The Leader

This morning I met Abdel for a visit over morning refreshment at Panera’s.   Abdel is from Egypt and is now living here in Florida with his wife and 4 children while serving as leader or the imam of the local mosque.  He “gives talk”, leads the prayers, teaches classes and does counseling.  Of course, there are also many administrative duties.  He must also be a scholar in the truest sense. While it is commendable that he has memorized the entire Koran/Quran, what seem to me more important in he role as leader as well as his roles as son, father, husband, brother and friend is that he presents with an open heart. That is how he came to my attention.  I was drawn to his heart – to his embracing, inclusive love.  Initially I did not know or care that about his religious framework or where he was from geographically.  Obviously, I do want to know these things about him because I am interested in him and his life journey but they are not what drew me toward him.

In this historical period in which we find ourselves living, it seems to me to be particularly important that we learn as much as possible about each other and our different cultural backgrounds.   We humans continue to have the tendency to judge each other based on the behavior of a few people who act under the guise of a particular religion, culture, or country.   Whether we are talking about ISIS, fundamentalist Christians, radical Palestinians, right –wing Israeli, or any other self identified group of individual who purport to be speaking for that group or even for a deity such as God, it is always important that we not be so vulnerable to the possibility of confusing the vested interest of a group of people with the teachings and beliefs of the larger culture.

I certainly cannot claim to be a scholar of the Muslim religion.  I do know what I have read and what I have understood to be the base and the teaching of Muhammad.   That limited understanding has been that both Christians and Muslims have the very same base.  While there may be some difference of opinion on the relationship between God and Jesus, the Koran/Quran is clear about the divine role of Jesus, and the virgin birth of Mary. I did not realize until Adel told he that one of the books/stories of the Quran is the story of Mary/Maryam.

I digest. The point is that if I want to do my part to end prejudice, miss-conceptions, and all those lies which lead to injustice, war, and a fearful world, I need to assume that I know nothing about another person, group, religion, or even political party.  Only then can I be open to learning and getting to know that which I share with every other human being.  I also need to do my part of learn about the religious beliefs of others.

Leaders such as Abdel can help me do that as long as I am willing to be led or taught.   I was thinking about the word leaders and looked it up in Dictionary.com.  I found the following brief offering:

Noun

1.

A person or thing that leads.

2.

a guiding or directing head, as of an army, movement, or political group.

3.

Music.

a conductor or director, as of an orchestra, band, or chorus.the player at the head of the first violins in an orchestra, the principal cornetist in a band, or the principal soprano in a chorus, to whom any incidental solos are usually assigned.

I like the example of a leader being a conductor or director because it describes an international process.  I assume that one of the characteristics of an effective teacher is that he or she is open to learning; that they are confident enough to express an opinion or an understanding of  certain so called facts, but, at the very same time, they know that the leader is the student and the student is the teacher.

In my life journey  thus far, I have been blessed with many teachers or mentors. They have all been enormously patient, kind, wise men and women.   Abdel is another of those from whom I expect to learn or with whom I hope to form a loving relationship in which we can learn from each other.  It would be enormously sad and a disservice to myself and to Abdel if I assumed we were somehow essentially different human beings.

With folks such as Abdel it seems relatively easy to stay open to learning.  What happens if I have an occasion to spend time with a so called “fanatic” such as a right-wing Christian or a member of ISIS.  Will I have the willingness and the courage of listen with an open heart?  That is my intention, but I know that I must also have a loving relationship with that part of me who can be intimated or fearful when meeting certain people.  I must be willing to embrace that part of me while not allowing it to control me.  I would, of course, like to say that I have reached a place in my spiritual journey that I can stay open without absolute faith and not fear.  I know that would be a lie. At the moment, sitting in my safe, comfortable home it is very easy to know that it is safe to keep my heart and my critical mind open no matter with whom I am talking.  In reality, the very human part of my can still gets anxious and fearful.

Changing how we think of someone – Letting go of prejudice

Last night I was finishing a novel while eating my dinner. If I am eating alone I frequently read a novel. I almost never read anything serious while eating although that is not quite true. It is often in novels that the author has the character speak some profound truth.   The novel I was finishing last night was The Murder Man: A Novel, page 369.   The chief character, Max Wolfe, says of his ex-wife, “…there is no greater stranger than someone you used to love.’’   Why is that? We might ask.   It seems to me that for me, at least, when one learns to love someone romantically or non- romantically one create a story about that person in one’s head based upon what one thinks one has observed and experienced.  One may see with a limited vision. Well, actually, I suppose that we always see with a limited vision. All my prejudices, my emotions and my hopes can create this person in my head. This person I create may or may not have much resemblance to the actual person. Still it is my truth and this is the person whom I learn to love. In some cases this may be romantic love and we might even have a commitment ceremony (legal marriage or otherwise) professing our willingness to be there for and with each other in good times and bad times.  We think that we can predict no only what we will do when times are bad but what the other person will do.   In the case with the character of Max Wolfe in the novel by Tony Parsons the person is his ex-wife and the mother of the daughter he is raising, Scout.  His ex-wife- fell in love with another man, has children with than man and pays very little attention to her first child Scout who is being raised by Max.   Max is never quite able to wrap his head around the fact that this person who helped to co-create this wonderful child; this person who promised to be there in good times and bad; this person has very little time, energy or heart for their daughter Scott.  This person his ex-wife Anne is now seems to bear little resemblance to the person that he married and with whom he had a child. What is this woman? Certainly she is not the woman he had created in his head; the woman he thought she told him she was.  Can people change that much? Could this be the same person or have they essentially changed who they are.  Certainly, even Max is not so naïve as to think that just because one is married stops one from ever noticing an attractive person and even creating a little fantasy about what it might have been life to have an affair or a life with this other person.   For Max, however, those sorts of momentary fantasies do not determine behavior. He is committed to his wife and to all those others that he loves. He would never end a relationship because of some little fantasy person.   Thus, he cannot conceive that his person to whom he is married could do this. Yet, he is well aware that she did do it. She is gone. She has a new live new children with this other person and has little time or energy for their daughter Scout.  

Max is detective. He knows that we humans are often not what we seem to be.  He very psychologically sophisticated.  Yet, he expects some people and things to be stable, even if intellectually he does not think that is reasonable.

I have often said about such situations that I have no place to put certain new information about a person.   It does not fit.  Certainly following my divorce from my son’s mother I discovered things about her, which did not fit into the picture I had formed of her. I am sure that she felt the same about me.  To a lesser extent this was true of my second wife also.  This has certainly been true of many of the extremely close friends I have and have had over the years.   If they do something that is completely unexpected for the person I have created I do not know what to do with that information or how to relate to the person.

The bottom line is that it is very difficult for this human, even knowing what I know as someone trained in clinical psychology, to let go of his pre-conceptions of who a person is.   This includes the prejudice or “truths” I may have learned at a very early age about myself, other individuals and other groups of people.    I learned many things about gender differences, racial differences, cultural differences, class differences, mental health difference, intelligence differences and religious differences, among others starting at a very young age.  Yet, I was not that old before I began to learn that others did not universally believe what I had been taught.  This opened the door for me to begin to think differently. That was a beginning and at least insured that I would have a difficult time using the same justifications for my prejudices/habits of thinking, which I had learned as a child.  Yet, here I am at 75 years of age, many, many decades later, still finding making assumptions about people or situations based on my old beliefs.  The assumption may be as “simple” as immediately thinking male when someone mentions truck driver or some other profession. Yet, I have known female truck drivers since I was a very young man.  A friend of mine from Oregon was a truck driver when she was a very young woman. She drove a logging truck.  I knew other women who drove all sorts of vehicles on the farm.  The cognitive part of my brain has had the new knowledge firmly in place for a very long time.  

The fallacy of the people and groups I create in my head is that I can know another person or group of people.  I cannot.  Surely, as a social scientist I can form some conjectures or chart some typical patterns, but I cannot “know” another person or another group of people.  Yet, if it is very convenient to act as if I can know that and to make broad assumptions about that person or group.  Occasionally my predictions are true.   When I visit a prison I will find that most inmates have learned to be very guarded.  Yet, as any person who has been really present with inmates in any prison will tell you they are a very diverse group of people who do fit one’s preconceived notions.    One of the reasons that   folks serving in a war situation do not like to find or seem family photographs or photos on a phone of an “enemy” is that it makes them seem to much like them.   This is the same reason we systematically teach folks getting ready for combat to call “the enemy” by such names ask “kooks”, “insurgents’, “Japs”, “Knouts” or whatever – anything to make them seem non-human and, thus, like us.

Last night I had a lovely note from a young man who was thanking me for never giving up on him.    I wrote back that giving up on him would have been the same as giving up on myself and all others that I know. I further stated that my belief  we are all interdependent; that we need each other to believe  in us; to believe that we are more than we appear to me.

In that sense there are no real strangers. There are just people who  show more of who they are whether it is comfortable for me or not. Sometimes I am the person show me that I am more than I thought I was!

I was thinking about shame or shaming as a response to those who continue to use race or other characteristics to discredit and/or physically harm those who they perceive to be different.   This morning I read an article in Today’s Tampa Tribune by Dr. Roy Kaplan, former head of the Tampa Bay Chapter of the National Conference of Christians and Jews and an adjunct professor at the University of South Florida entitled “A Post-Racist United States:  Sadly we’re still not there”. In this article, Dr. Kaplan was responding to both the recent hate response President Obama got on his Twitter account and the growth of hate groups in the United States since the election of President Obama.  He went on to point out that according to figures compiled by the Southern Poverty Law Center the United States has nearly 800 and Florida nearly 50 such identifiable groups.

Dr. Kaplan is recommending that the members of these hate groups “be exposed and held accountable for their incivility, rudeness and crudeness.  Publish their names, addresses and places of work so we can peel away the veil of anonymity they hide behind.” (Tampa Tribune, May 28, 1015, p 9). 

It seems to me that what Dr. Kaplan is proposing is to shame them and to expose them to possible hateful response in payment for their hateful behavior.  

First of all I want to thank Dr. Kaplan for his many years of leadership in exploring ways to create a more just and mutually accepting community and for taking the time to insure that we are aware of the extent to which some (too many), in this country, continue to use hate or some form of oppression as a way to boost their own self sense of self worth.   Obviously, those who claim that racism is not longer an issue in our culture needs to know that current research does not support this claim. 

Obviously, if individuals such as Dr. Kaplan do not force us to face the reality of ongoing racism we will not do what we need to be doing in our educational systems and in other parts of our society to end this terrible excuse for oppression.

I am not, however, convinced that Dr. Kaplan’s solution is going to be helpful or effective.

My initial response was that Dr. Kaplan is recommending that we publicly shame the members of hate groups as well as others who are promoting hatred.   As if my habit I checked the definition of shame and found in Wikipedia:

Shame is a negative, painful, social emotion that can be seen as resulting "...from comparison of the self's action with the self's standards..."[1] but which may equally stem from comparison of the self's state of being with the ideal social context's standard. Thus, shame may stem from volitional action or simply self-regard; no action by the shamed being is required: simply existing is enough. Both the comparison and standards are enabled by socialization. Though usually considered an emotion, shame may also variously be considered an affect, cognition, state, or condition.

The roots of the word shame are thought to derive from an older word meaning "to cover"; as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a natural expression of shame.

This definition fits with my understanding of the concept of shame or the act of shaming one.  Obviously, the hope of Dr. Kaplan is that by publicly exposing those who are promoting hatred they will compare “the self’s action with the self’s standards”.

With few exceptions I am not convinced that, among those who are members of or supportive of hate groups, that there is that disparity. I think the action often matches the standards or values of the individuals.  Thus, it is not possible to shame those who believe that their behavior is the right or moral course of action. 

I think what Dr. Kaplan is proposing is similar to the approach in the United States to other behavior or alleged behavior, which is contrary to the values of the majority.   We have, for example,  been publishing names and addresses of convicted sex offenders for some time with seemingly little decrease in the sexual abuse of minors or others.  First of all let me remind the reader that many on the sexual offenders lists are not and have not been sexual predators.   We have lumped together those who have unwittingly had sex with an underage prostitute, those who expose themselves, those who unintentionally had child porn on their computer and those who her accused of sexual crimes by angry spouses in the midst of an angry divorce but who did not have a good defense attorney.  Secondly, my personal experience in working with/for those on the sexual offenders list is that, as a result of their names and address being publicized, they were cursed, physically threatened and, at times, physically attacked, and verbally abused.  This did not help them heal, change their behavior or motivate them to treat their abuser with loving-kindness.  Often they then responded with self-loathing and/or anger.  Sometimes they just internalized the abuse they exploded and/or engaged in some self-destructive behavior.

As I have repeatedly suggested, punishment does not work.  If we humans are treated badly we tend not to be motivated to “rise above’ and respond with loving kindness.  Yet, that is exactly what we need to do.  Dr. Kaplan uses another term. That term is accountability.   I am choosing, for the purpose of these comments, to ignore the fact that Dr. Kaplan seems to use the term accountability in a way, which seems synonymous with shaming.  That is not my understanding of the word accountability.   My understanding is that that accountability is done with empathy and love and not more hatred.  

It seems to me that the goal of shaming is to make the person feel bad enough that they want to change.  This works only if the individual themselves feel bad about their behavior and want to change it.  Even then if they use shame to scold or to punish themselves they are not likely to change their behavior.  They will, in that case, find themselves repeatedly engaging in the same behavior.  If they want to change their behavior they have to change their thinking and give themselves other behavioral options.  If I, for example, have a sexist or racist thought, I want first of all to notice it and to notice that it is inconsistent with my current values.  I will then replace that thought with one, which is more consistent with my current values.

If I want to help create an atmosphere, which is more likely to promote change, then I have to (1) make other ways of thinking attractive in some way and (2) make sure that the person knows that they can safely “confess” to themselves and me without any fear of being rebuked or punished.

I am well aware that if I am talking to a person who is a member of a hate group, I am not going to change them by running up to them, giving them a big hug and a kiss and telling them that I love them.   That would be very naive at best and stupid at worse.    I am going to do what I can to tune into the pain, which underlies the need to hate; the pain, which says that one needs some way of proving one’s worth.  If that way of proving one’s worth is by convincing oneself that one is superior to another, then I am not going to change them by telling them that they are a piece of crap.  I am going to say to them in every way that I can that they are worthy of love and respect; that we do not need to put others down to feel good about ourselves.  I may, at times, be able to talk about how all of us feel unworthy at some level and look to something outside of ourselves to feel better about ourselves. 

In the world today there is increasing concern about the proliferation of hate groups and individuals who are terrorists.   All of the studies I have read lead me to believe that one is more likely to adopt the beliefs of a hate group or a terrorist organization if one is already feeling lost, disconnected and without a sense of purpose.  Those organizations or individuals who have had some success in attracting these individuals to explore another way of thinking have done so by offering them another very concrete option for feeling as if their life has meaning/a purpose which translates into the person beginning to belief that they have purpose or a sense of worth based on doing something they could consider positive.  

Terrorists, racists, and extremist are not different than you or I.  We all want to have a sense of purpose, to believe that we can make a difference and to be loved and respected, if not in this life, in the next. 

It is my belief that until we come to terms with this essential “truth” we are not going-to-going to create a more just and loving society. As long as we are convinced that one could never be like “that person” or “that person” has nothing in common with us, we will not see long-term positive change. 

Simple changes such as  “We humans have a tendency to feel good about ourselves by convincing ourselves we are more than or better than.” as opposed to “You people have a tendency to.”   It is never a you.  It is always a we!

I can obviously understand why none of us want to look at the part of us who can be a racist, a radical terrorist, a right-wing fundamentalist, or a drug addict, but until we can accept this essential truth we will think in terms of ‘the other” and will react to “them” rather than embracing the mirror image.

 Out Out Damn Spot

Doctor:

What is it she does now? Look how she rubs her hands.

Gentlewoman:

It is an accustom'd action with her, to seem thus

washing her hands. I have known her continue in this a quarter of

an hour.

Lady Macbeth:

Yet here's a spot.

Doctor:

Hark, she speaks. I will set down what comes from her, to

satisfy my remembrance the more strongly.

Lady Macbeth:

Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then

'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky.—Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and

afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our

pow'r to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to

have had so much blood in him?

Macbeth Act 5, scene 1, 26–40

“Lady Macbeth, as has become her wont, sleepwalks through the royal castle. As her waiting-woman and her doctor listen in, she mutters fragments of an imaginary conversation that recalls the night she and her husband conspired to murder King Duncan [see A SORRY SIGHT]. The hour is two o'clock; she upbraids her husband for his bad conscience; she insists that there will be nothing to fear once they've grabbed the crown; she marvels at how much blood Duncan had to shed. As Lady Macbeth replays this scene for the eavesdroppers, she not only incriminates herself, but also reveals the pangs of conscience she had ridiculed in her husband.” (Enotes.com/Shakespeare quotes)

This morning I was reading yet another article about the terrible shortcomings or the complete failure of the Affordable Care Act, otherwise referred to as Obamacare.  This particular article was decrying the burden the rules of this program has put on many employers who have, for example, been forced to pay for health insurance, reduce the hours of employees to less than 30 per week or reduce the number of employees to less than 50.  The intent of the author of the article seems to me to be to convince the reader that the employer  is one who only wants to do good by earning a living and providing jobs.  Yet, it seems as if this author and the authors of many similar articles I have read offer no viable alternatives to the Affordable Care Act. 

No, I personally, think that the Affordable Care Act has many flaws, primarily the failure of to establish a national health insurance plan (a single payer plan)  into which everyone pays. This would, of course, have to include provisions for regulating the profit of pharmaceutical companies, as well as provisions for covering the cost of medical school, which would reduce some of the argument for why many physicians need such high incomes (generally this means specialists and not primary care doctors.)

Actually the real problem, as with King Duncan, is that the poor exist.    Well, perhaps, it is not that they exist, but that they are not as robotic as we would like them to be.   I am now living in Florida where there are a great many of we old people living in condos or villa which are part of associations which hire lawn care service. Not having to worry about outside maintenance is, of course, one of the advantages of condo living.  It is one of the luxuries, which will allow many of us to live in our own home well into our dotage.   I recall years ago visiting a friend in Florida who lived in a private home and was thrilled that she could pay a relatively low amount for lawn and pool maintenance.  It seems then and it seems now as if many of the individuals who perform these functions are immigrants, refugees or undocumented from other countries.  The average pay for a lawn care worked varies a lot.  Those working for a government entity seem to fare the best. Those working for a company who provide very intensive lawn and landscaping service also seem to have more skilled and better-paid employees.    It was interesting that when I was researching average wage of law care workers I ran across some blogs or other sites where perspective employers could ask questions. One of the questions that seem to be of concern was, “How do you locate dependable, good workers for $300.00 a week.”   (See my blog of May 27, 2015)

The point is that it seems as if many of we humans have an appreciation for the service which poor people can provide.  We all benefit from the fact that farm workers have historically made a relatively low income and, thus, have done their part in keeping the cost of farm products affordable for many of us.   Although a good, highly trained butler in this country may make an average of over $100,000.00, the average house cleaner does not make nearly that.  Also, most house cleaners do not get paid health insurance, paid vacation, a retirement plan or other benefits.  They may get our discarded garments or other things we no longer need, but then only if they are appropriately grateful.

It seems as if our relationship with “poor” people is a very complicated one.  We want and need poor people to take care of us and do the jobs we do not want to do or for which we do not have time.  On the other hand, we would, it seems,  prefer that like the blood to which Lady Macbeth is referring, we they disappear when they have needs such as health care.   We are full of contradictions. We love giving to the victims of a “disaster” but find it very disturbing and a nuisance to worry about those “lazy” people who have the nerve to have children that they cannot afford, televisions when they could be saving for health care, smart phones when they could be getting an education so that they are no longer poor. But then, if there were no poor people, who would take care of us while we do the important work?

Jesus is purported to have said, “The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me.” (The books of the New Testament, Matthew, Mark and John all have a version of his quote which is attributed to Jesus.” ) Unfortunately this statement is often taken out of context and used also as an excuse for keeping people poor or justifying having the poor among us.  One must read the entire sentence to understand what Jesus is trying to communicate.

I suspect that another “problem” we have with the poor is the knowledge that, for many of us, it would not take much to put us in that group who is dependent on the Affordable Care Act and/or other government (local, state or federal) “assistance” We are just a job loss or “crisis” away from needing help.

Of course, there are those who those who find it relatively easy to hold on to the illusion that they could never be one of “those” poor people.    Just this morning I was reading about some of the salaries of the top paid “media moguls”.  (St. Petersburg Tribune, Business section, May 27, 2015)  For example, David Saslav, head of Discovery Communications, was compensated in 2014 $156.1 million!   The average salary of the CEO of for profit hospitals is between $400,000.00 and $600, 000.00.   Presidents of 36 of the most prestigious colleges made over one millions dollars while others averaged around $400,000.00.  Of course I will not even list the salaries of coaches for major college sports teams.  The national average income for the top one percent is a mere $380,000.00 (I goggled each of these categories. One must be careful with these figures, but the point is that there are those who seem relatively immune from worrying about become one the poor who is always among us.)

The bottom line is that we seems to need to find a way to insure that we have poor people who do the low paying jobs and quietly go off to die when they are no longer useful while holding on to our hope or belief that, with few exceptions, people choose to be poor, We want to be the seem as the most democratic and generous nation without having to give up any of our privileges. 

We convince ourselves that any other system then the one which creates such disparity between the haves and have not’s would just insure that everyone would be a have not which would not help anyone.

Perhaps we will one day build affordable robots that do all the tasks we now consider menial. When they break down we can press the “decompose” button and the robot will dissolve into reusable residue.   We will, in effect, be able to say “Out, out, damn spot” and produce more effective results than Lady Macbeth was able to produce.

It seems to me that,  from my limited perspective, every time that there is any public discussion about raising the minimum wage there are a number of editorials or letters to the editor which predict economic disaster if employers are forced to pay a certain proposed minimum wage.    One of the reoccurring arguments is that once you raise the minimum wage to a certain amount, employees who are already at that level, will resent getting same amount as lowest level workers and will demand an increase.  If they do not get an increase they will quit and go elsewhere.  The further prediction is that the employer will have to raise prices for its services or products and will face the real possibility of going out of business.

The current proposal in many cities  which is already the law in some major cities such as Seattle,  is for a minimum wage of $15.00.   So far, in Seattle, there has been no reports of the wholesale closing of companies because of this change which, I understand, is being phase in.   Still, I do not want to just discount the fears of those who are predicting such disastrous results.  If these fears come to fruition then, of course, no one wins.  If companies do actually go out of business then the employees are not making any money once unemployment runs out.

First, let us take a brief look at how one would live on a wage of $15.00 an hour.    One can check on the median  or the average amount an individual or a small family of four pays for essentials. One can also get information on approximate taxes and the earned income credit. 

 The gross pay for someone making $15.00 an hour, assuming they work 40 hours a week and are paid for 52 weeks a year  would be $31,200.00.     Approximate expenses would be:

         Housing:  Average is 962.00 per month  or  $11,544.00 per year.

         Food:  Cheapest  I found was 66.00 a week which I think is

                     unrealistic even for a person of one. Annual at that

                    rate is  $3465.00

         Taxes:  FICA – assuming no state/city taxes  $15.3% =$ 4773.6

         Earned income credit- depending on size of family. With two

children a family could actually get credit slightly above the $4774.6  A single or married couple with no children would not get any Earned income credit.

         Auto:  Cheapest car payment I could find was $149.00 a month.

         This is $1788.00 a year.

         Car Insurance:  Minimum of $1200.00 a year.  

         Might take public transportation in certain cities and save

         a lot. In most cities  that is not a viable option.

        

         We are now have spent a total of $22770.00 if there is no

         earned income tax credit.    This leaves a balance of $8430.00   

         for car maintenance, house maintenance, clothes (assuming

         one is not living in a nudist colony year around!), home owner

         insurance, personal care and miscellaneous expenses.  That

         is $162.00 a week.  If anything in house breaks and one needs

         service or if something breaks on car or if there is any

         medical expense which is not covered the small balance is going

         to be quickly used up. I have not allowed anything in the budget                

         for cable or any other entertainment.  There is also

         nothing for such possible expenses as birth control. Of course

         we expect the poor to refrain from sexual activities.

The response to all this might be that the person made choices which resulted in a low income job or  perhaps the person is in school and can live at home therefore getting parent(s) to assume a lot of the

living expenses. 

Obviously we cannot, from our privileged position. assume that a particular person had the means, encouragement, or health to train for a profession or skilled job. Besides, someone has to do the low paying jobs. Some of us were lucky enough to have to do them only while training or going through college.  When I went to college I was also, once I used up the GI bill, able to make enough money to pay for tuition and other school expenses. Today, I could not do that even at my current income.

The person who is so frightened of raising the minimum wage might still retort with, “All this is fine and dandy but if the employer has to shut down the business because it cannot afford to pay the minimum wage none of it matters.  How realistic of a fear is this? Are their businesses which might have to shut down?

First, let me confess that,  until last August I had a small business which only employed 2 part time employees. For a time I had one full time and one part time employee as well as some contract employees.  My business was a counseling business which had a policy of  providing service to anyone who needed it regardless of ability to pay. We did accept insurance payments. Some insurance companies paid decently. Many did not.   The office manager who was full time for several years and then part time for the past 10 or so did, when I closed the business, make $15.00 an hour  and was given prorated vacation  and sick time. She also got small bonuses when possible.   The person who cleaned got a little less money and only came in for 4 hours every other week.

The goal was to insure that all of us had a family income that allowed us to live decently. The office manager and the part-time cleaning person were married and their spouse had an income.  I was single. If the office person had become single for any reason without inheriting a significant amount of money then the commitment was to insure that we both got a livable wage. If that meant dividing the profit down the middle , then that is what we would have done. If we could not do that and pay other expenses we would have together explored other options.  

All of us thought that we were very blessed with a decent living and did not want for anything essential.  In other words we did not feel deprived.  We did have vacations – not luxurious –but very pleasant.  The office manager had health insurance through her husband’s employer and I had coverage through the VA.  Previous employees were provided health insurance.

If indeed the office manager had found a better paying job or one that  was closer to her home or provided some other benefit than I would have been pleased for her.

It may also be important to note that, whenever possible, we did business with those who were known to treat employees with equal respect. The bank we used and the office equipment company we used treated all their employees with great respect and paid them decently.

Of course, if I had many employees we would have had to look at other options.  I also assume that gross income would have been more if I had other employees.  The bank which we used  was owned by those working at the bank. 

For years I have made it a point to talk to small business owners who seemed to treat employees well.  A local restaurant near my former office paid all it staff well and had always provided paid vacation and sick time to all of its regular employees.   The atmosphere of the restaurant as well as the food drew many steady customers.  If one has ever talked to or read about employees of Trader Joes, one knows that people work there because they like working there. As a customer I love going there not only to purchase products but because the atmosphere is so positive. I feel good when I leave there. I am not a person who loves to shop, but I love spending time at places where employees are happy and feel good about working.

Does this mean that if one raises minimum wage that all employees are going to be happy that everyone is getting paid decently and that on one will complain if an entry level worked is making the same as a seasoned worked? No, it does not.  It is true that, in general if we humans are treated well we will, as a whole, respond with a positive attitude and be happy if others are also doing well.   It is also true that if folks are treated with disrespect then they are not going to be happy at any wage.    A good example were steel companies  and other companies who were asking most employees to make “sacrifices” while a few top employees got enormous increased benefits.  Even thought the wage of the average worker was still very decent, they did not feel respected  or treated equally.

It is true that there are going to be some humans who suffer from depression and/other mental and emotional illnesses who are not happy no matter how they are treated.   It is also true that there are folks who bring a history of unhappiness to work and cannot shake that off.  Bless them. I would not wish such despair or unhappiness on anyone.

Many studies will, at the same time, support the conclusions that companies who treat everyone with respect, including paying a living wage esperience:

·      Less turnover.  Turnover is very expensive – cost of hiring, training and waiting for new employee to reach their potential is very expensive.

·      Fewer sick days.

·      Employees are more efficient.

·      Employees are willing to work as a total team and not as likely to refuse to do a job  because it is not their job.

·      Less employee theft.

·      Less “shirking” of duties which, of course, makes co-workers unhappy which affects overall production.

·      Employees become the best marketing tools.

·      Customers will like doing business with a happy, efficient organization.

I suspect that we could identify other benefits.   One also should consider that the better employees are paid, the more they spend in the general economy which make it possible to pay employees of other organizations well.   

In fact, if one looks at the larger picture it is difficult, if not impossible to find a downside to treating all people with respect. This includes a wage on which one can take care of their family.  $15.00 is not the end goal, but it is a huge improvement from the current minimum wage - $5.15 (one state’s minimum) or even the Federal 7.25.  Just try making a budget on 7.25. which comes out to $15,080.00 a year.   Use the figures I quoted above for basic housing, food, and transportation.  What would one cut out of the budget.  After housing and food one has no money.  At this level there are, for some family, some assistance available, but it seems as if every year the money allocated to help those  who live at the bottom level of our income floor is less and less. In this country many seem to think in terms of the poor feeling entitled which translates all to often as lazy or bad or ….

Really!

  

I was thinking yesterday morning of my an emerging friendship with someone at the gym where I daily work out; of my friend Jeremy who has a birthday today; of my friend Kurt who sent an email offering an opinion which challenged an opinion I previous held; of my friend Becky which whom I correspond daily via email and who is also the editor of these blogs; of my visit last weekend with various family members in Oklahoma including my brother-in-law Carl of whom I wrote one day this week.  Various other new and old friends – some living and some now physically dead - have visited my mind the past couple of days.

All of these friends have something in common. They all love me unconditionally and they all tickle my mind – directly or indirectly challenge me to think outside the tiny boxes and labels into which I frequently put myself and/or others that I know.

It is interesting to me that one of the first questions we humans  - at least in this period of history – frequently ask each other after meeting is “What do you do?” as if that is going to tell us something important about the person.  Of course, it does not tell us anything at all. A person might say that he or she is cleric of some religion.  That tells me mothering important about the person.  We all know clerics who have struggled with addictions and other conditions, which keep them from being present to their God, themselves or anyone else. Most of us have had the experience of a door person, a cleaner or a store clerk giving us a smile that changed a depressing or drear day to one in which we could see the rain as my friend Becky says, is liquid sunshine.

Some company employs my friend Jeremy, but I always forget exactly what they do.  How then do I know who Jeremy is? He is a person who happens to be male, who is passionate about how he loves, how he writes and how he plays/performs music.   He is a good friend on whom I can always count.

My friend John was a professor and head of a drama department at a university. Now he works as a legal editor.  His vocation is as an actor. Who he his is a very loving man who has a courage to grow emotionally and spiritually, to really enjoy good food and traveling.

My friend Becky has a PhD, has worked at the college level, has worked as a principal and then head of a private school and for the past six years has written, taught and been a full time Aunty Mom. We email with each other daily, visit when we can and constantly challenged each other to think. She is a dear friend on whom I can always count.  She places love and friends about all else.

My earliest friends and mentors were authors who I only met through the books they wrote.  I lived in an otherwise very tiny world. I attended a country regional school, which was many miles from where we lived.  We occasionally visited neighbors but the closest ones  required a considerable walk.  I would also occasionally get to visit my grandparents or my favorite aunt and uncle.  Authors comforted me and challenged me.

I could go on and on about the many good people in my life – both living and dead.  If I talked even a little about all of them I would end up with a book length blog!

I wish I could say that I have always appreciated them and honored our relationships no mater how often I moved or how far away I was geographically.  Sadly, there were periods in my early life when I did not appreciate and honor all my friendships over time.  Sometimes there was such emotional turmoil in my life that I “forgot” to keep in touch.  I have gotten better with than in later years but ….

All my friends and mentors have some qualities in common.  They love well and have the courage to step outside of their comfort zone.  They are also not fearful of challenging me to look at what I am thinking or doing.  I never feel criticized or rebuked by them. They challenge me in a way which directly or indirectly allows me to know that they know and accept that we are all humans and that no matter how bright we are on the IQ scale we can be incredibly stupid.  At least this human and all my friends can have sudden onset stupidity!    That is not a big deal as long as we are willing to step back and learn from our “dis ease” of  “temporary stupidity”.

Clearly, in my mind, who we are is not the same as what we do.  Perhaps the more important question is how we live our life no matter what we are doing.

A friend of mine was recently in the hospital for a month. Most of the floor staff, whether they be paid to be a doctor, a janitor, a nurse, a care worker, a physical therapist, a worker in the cafeteria, or some other functionary were loving healers.  A few were functionaries and missed showing up which led to decisions which were not helpful and which undoubtedly prolonged her stay in the hospital.  Sadly, some of the least present staff were the ones who had the authority to make important decisions.     One of the arguments I have had with colleagues over the years concerns a statement I have heard often among health care workers and others.  The statement is, “He (occasionally she) is a good doctor but they do not have a good bedside manner.”  That statement makes me crazy because it makes no sense to me.  Part of being a good doctor is being a physician.  If one looks up the work physician one finds in med.uottawa.ca:

         In order to explain the meaning of physician, we must begin with the Latin word, physicum or physicus, and the French word, physique. All of these words mean remedy. In 1212, the Anglo-Normans appropriated these words to coin the word fisike or physic. Even though it is rarely used today, physic can still be found in any English dictionary to define medicine or remedy… "Medic" refers to healing.  Mederi is to heal in Latin.  Medicus was the Latin word for doctor; medicina was both a medication and healing.

When I think of physician I think of the terms remedy or healer.  Both of these imply to me being able to be present to the person one is going to treat.   That mean, at a minimum, they are meeting with a person with a history, a personality, and a body, which will speak to the physician. If the doctor is rushing from one person to the next he or she will not be able to make an accurate diagnosis or devise a helpful treatment plan. The failure to do this is, I think, costing the health care system in this country a lot of money.

If we want to correct a problem we have to diagnose it. Pretending as if a person who has an MD or a DO degree and has passed a licensing exam is a physician is not helpful or healthy for the patient for the doctor. Often the nurse, the orderly or the janitor is a more effective diagnostician or healer.

The physician who has treated me for a serious chronic illness since 1985 or 1986 is a deep spiritual man who is always present.  It is his presence, which enable him to know me and to work with me to formulae an approach to treatment.

The person at the gym with whom I am building a friendship is culturally and religiously much different than I. Yet, we are the same man.  We both are willing to embrace the other and to risk being emotionally and spiritually present to each other.  If we based our relationship on shared religious beliefs or cultural backgrounds we would be very distant and might find it easy to be critical of the other.

My commitment is to continue practicing being present and staying open to who a person is and not treating them as a functionary.  In other words my commitment is to take the risk of getting to know someone as this sacred person who worth loving.   Of course, I am going to sometimes hear myself asking the standard question, “What do you do?”  I hope I do this much less often than I used to and I hope that I catch myself sooner.  Once again, I am reminded that I am a work in progress.

Following my silliness yesterday I wanted to pay due respect to our ancestors on this day which, as I noted yesterday, was originally set aside following the Civil War as Decoration Day – a day to decorate the graves of veterans. In 1971 it was renamed Memorial Day and declared a national holiday.

Ancestors and the spirits of ancestors have been worshiped and celebrated since at least the beginning of cave drawings (hieroglyphics).  In some cultures the ancestral gods took on many of the characteristics of we humans. In fact, “Ancestor worship includes all of the attitudes and acts usually associated with the worship of nonancestral gods and spirits. According to some scholars and theorists, ancestral spirits are anthropocentric conceptions similar to other supernatural beings; that is, the spirits have the qualities of personality and the capabilities of man, to which supernatural potency is added. The spirits see, hear, feel, understand, and communicate with the living; they make moral judgments; they are wishful, willful, joyful, angry, stern, permissive, kind, cruel, and sometimes capricious; and they have all the other emotions and traits of human beings.” (Google ancient Greek ancestor worships which then takes one to the site of cyperspace.com/religion)

In modern day cultures ancestors worship or even ancestor appreciation appears to diminish as our concept of community shrinks. Other scholars seem to think that this correlates with the emphasis on the nuclear family, which is certainly prevalent in the United States, although much is being written about how the concepts of individualism and nuclear family are transforming cultures and tradition in such countries as China and Japan.

In the United States certain ancestors are honored with monuments, the naming of a building or school at a university or occasionally with a biography, a presidential library or other “suitable” remembrance.   Halloween is a commercial holiday in the United States. Much of the original connection to ancestors has been ignored or lost.  Perhaps our Christian and Jewish heritage concept of a jealous God makes us particularly cautious about  honoring ancestor Gods.

I am old enough that when I was young, our extended family – at least on the paternal side of the family – would gather on Memorial Day at the cemetery where many of our ancestors were buried.    Graves would be cleaned and decorated while “ancestral” history was shared.  All the women would have packed a lunch of fried chicken, potato salad, desert, ice tea and other goodies.    I think that tradition ceased when my paternal grandmother got too old to continue although I am not sure since I left home at 18 and was never again home for Memorial Day.  Two of my sisters, Bonnie and Pat, continue to insure that the graves are tended.   There used to an association to which I would periodically donate money to help maintain this cemetery but I must confess that I have been lax in checking to find out to whom I should be sending money.

In many communities there will be small flags placed by the tombstones of all those buried in National Cemeteries.  In some communities there will be speeches by politicians and representatives of veterans groups.  We also have set aside a day in November to honor veterans.

Given that this is memorial day in a presidential election year, there will also be many discussions or, in some cases, pronouncements about such military actions by the United States as our invasion of Iraq.   In fact in the May 24th issue of the Tampa Tribune, page 10, there was an article by Rebecca Santana of the Associated Press, detailing the frustration of Iraq Veterans by debate on the Iraq war.  “Some veterans say they long ago concluded that their sacrifice was in vain…” Although there is also some debate about our invasion of Afghanistan, it is certainly not as widespread as that about our invasion of Iraq.  As we know, there is no longer any illusion that we have created a more just and stable country in Iraq.   Those of us who are old enough will recall many discussions and much mistreatment of many of the Vietnam War veterans.  (Although I am a veteran of that era I did not serve in any combat situation.)  There are also those veterans such as Mara Keown.  “Marla Keown, who drove trucks in Iraq for a year during her time in the Army reserves, said its taken too long for politicians to admit the mistake of a war that killed, 4, 491 U.S. Troops and left countless Iraqis dead.  Its heard to see the good in war in general-let alone a war that everyone just now is realizing that we shouldn’t have done …”(quoted in afore mentions articles by Ms. Santrana)

Another article in the Tampa Tribune on the 24th was by Joe Brown  entitled “Honoring Greatest Generation”.   He is referring to World War II about which there is less controversy although there are those who argue that  if we want to take a scholarly look at World War II we need to carefully examine the history leading up to creating conditions in Germany which allowed for the “success of Hitler”.  (For example, read the works of Vera Britain, the English writer.  One can also read the works of Dr. Alice Miller.)

Goodness!  What are we to make of this holiday? We could join the majority of community and family members who will focus on enjoying their immediate or extended family with little thought or discussion of ancestors, the ethics of various wars or other serious subjects. We could also, of course, join the legion of people who will take advantage of the shopping bargains.

Another option might be to join those relatively few who will gather in places of worship to pray for the souls of the ancestors and/or to call upon their god to watch over those fighting for democracy or “The American way”.  In many of those places of worship it will be difficult to determine whether we are calling upon our red, white and blue God or a more universal God.

Still another option might be to consider the possibility that we set aside blame or praise for being  “right” in our actions as individuals, communities and a nation.  Instead we could focus on the fact that we can learn from our ancestors without degrading or criticizing anyone for past actions.  As I have mentioned in previous blogs we could, as a nation, learn from the 12-step program, which originated as a program to help alcoholics reclaim their lives and now helps those addiction to various substances and behavior.  That program very clearly advocates that we complete a “fearless moral inventory” if we want to recover.   This is done without any need for shame, rebuke, or punishment.  This is done with the sole intent of healing and moving forward.  Healing requires a diagnosis. A diagnosis requires that I look at what is working and what is not working.   It may be that we humans have failed in our attempt to force peace or other behavioral changes.  If we determine that is the case we can perhaps begin to explore alternative approaches.  This does not dishonor those who, in good faith, fought in a particular war or battle.

What would our ancestors say about this approach?  Judging by the comments of such individuals as the former heads of Shin Bet, the Israeli Intelligence Service as recounted in the film, “The Gatekeepers” they might say that it takes courage to honestly examine our past behavior, learn from it, and move forward with a new approach.

Of course, those readers who follow the teachings of Jesus or the Buddha will have heard these recommendations every time they read the words of these teachers.

One of my ancestors if my grandmother Fanny Pickett.  She died a number of years ago, but until she died, she learned a new word every day.  She was also a vociferous reader and letter writer.  When staying with her she insisted that we spend a portion of every day learning. I was not surprised that she wrote me a letter the day before she died but which I did not receive until a  week after her death.

My thinks to my father, my grandparents, my Aunt Pleasie and Uncle Harold and my many valued friends, who have left a piece of their spirit and, thus, their wisdom with me.

It is Memorial Day weekend here in the United States.  This day was originally set aside a few years after the Civil War as Decoration Day – a day to decorate the graves of veterans. In 1971 it was declared a national holiday and renamed Memorial Day.   Since then, it is been designated by the merchants and consumers of the United States as a national weekend for shopping, the gathering of people who do not particularly like each other and for pissing off our bodies by overeating.

Since it is a national weekend for shopping and many of us will be gathering with people who we may not particularly like, we need to have some fun with our costumes for the family gathering.  I am going to suggest that we go shopping for a costume which will allow us to flaunt our inner (Who are we kidding. It is very evident!) Drama king or queen.  Actually, no mater what delusions we live with; it is always drama queen regardless of our gender!

There are several possibilities for this costume, all of which allow us to take center stage as does the little events in our lives which we give the status of full fledged operas worthy of production by the Metropolitan Opera of New York City for which people fork over hundreds of dollars per performance.

Let’s consider possible options.  Once we narrow down the choices we can scour the Sunday newspapers, identify the sales, and plan our shopping expedition.  Of course, one will want to take along a good friend who is skilled in costuming.  I suggest an over the top “queen”, a Southern woman, or an in your face John Wayne, swaggering “real man”.

So now, we have studied the ads to find out where the sales are, our friend has arrived and off we go.    Let’s first look at the “queen” options.  Actually there are at least two very distinct options depending on your particular body.  Consider the following options:

1.   The Wallmartian – If in doubt about possible Wallmartian costumes there are plenty of You Tube videos to guide one in these trashy options.  Personally I would consider too small pink tights, a sequined halter top, plastic 5 inches heals and a ball cap.

2.   The Drag Queen – if you have never been to an over the top drag queen shows you will need a friend who has.  Off to the retro store you go for a tight fitting, low cut (if male the more chair hair cleavage the better), slit up to the hip bone, panty hose, jeweled heels, and an over the top, foot tall, well coiffured wig.

The Southern woman option. Fortunately this one is pretty standard.  Find a You Tube video of the Kentucky Derby or just google “Kentucky Derby women’s costumes” or “Kentucky Derby Hats”.  If you have a friend who is Southern and who has any style at all they will be happy to be your consultant. Don’t forget that attitude takes practice. For the male costume any Southern, cigar smoking, dandy can advise.  One does not want to mistake the white linen suit and bowler hat for a zoot suit!  (Come to think of it that might be another option).

The John way option is easy. Boots, a very practiced swagger, a low pitched voice which utters short, clipped phrases and, well worn, tight jeans (not too tight), a western shirt and at least a day’s beard growth should complete this costume.  For the female John Wayne equivalent, think New York City, in your face, mussed hair, and little makeup (you think I have time for such crap You want a meal or you want fashion?) sensible shoes, and 500% of in your face “f… off” attitude.  Actually, I found very little on You Tube or google to help with this one. Thus, if you do not have a native New Yorker consultant or have not yourself had a lot of experience with this persona, I would forget it.

Sadly, if you have no prior experience with any of these personas, you will be up all night Sunday night practicing and your consultant will be there with you critiquing your performance.  If the consultant fusses you can practice your drama queen role with him/her.

Lastly, but not least, if one is going to be a drama queen (or if too sensitive to own it, the drama king) one should have some fun.  Being a drama queen and being serious about it is much too exhausting otherwise. Also, remember that for the seasoned drama queen any little issue will do.  For example, “You bought that that cheap a…  brand of hot dogs.  You probably are saving the better ones for cousin Louie.” Or “ Oh my God, you have not idea.” Or. 

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

While talking to a friend this morning I was reminded of how easy it is for many of us to allow someone else to not only rent space in our heads, but to also become the lead speaker.   What happens in our head is: We will start thinking about or playing over the tape of what another person said or what we “heard” them say.  Then, before we know it, that message or that other person in our head had taken over and now assumed the false role of the wise guru.

Of course, “we” know better, but apparently there is a part of us, which continues to question US!  Mercy!  How many different people are we? There is “I”. There is the I, which is observing. There is the me questioning.  No wonder we “find myself” sometimes exhausted although, on the surface, we have not been doing much except sitting here typing. 

What is going on here?  Have we suddenly gone from legally sane to a multi-personality who desperately needs hospitalization and lots of medication?  There seems to be just one physical body.  Thankfully, we are not seeing two or more of us when we look into the mirror. Still….

I have just said to my friend that we both know what a good person he is. “He” is a bright, competent, sane, courageous young man. Yet, within the past few days “He” has allowed someone else to determine his worth.  “He” has worn himself out having internal arguments with this other person, trying to prove to the other person that he does his job and deserves to be treated with respect.  This man, a recently hired colleague, does not know my friend. He could not have any sort of informed opinion about my friend.  Yet, this man has been able to have an enormous impact on how my friend feels bout himself this week.

How does it happen that we take seriously a person who barely knows us and who we barely know, to say or do something we experience as negative about us?  Why do we give them credibility? We can go from being in a very upbeat space to contemplating falling on a sword to rid the world of this useless piece of crap – us!   Does this sound a little dramatic?  Yes, it does.  At the same time many of us, if we are honest, will admit to having this sort of experience. Some of us have had this experience frequently.

What is happening?  Several things could be happening but it primarily  has to do with what spiritual teachers such as the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, calls shenpa.  Shenpa is a Tibetan word commonly translated as attachment, hooked,  or triggered.   When I think of Shenpa I picture a large file cabinet or a special CD, which can hold a record of all my past experiences. These experiences are stored along with the record of what my senses recorded at the time. Thus, seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling as well as other details might be stored with this past experience. Obviously, the details have little to do with any sort of objective reality.  They are, however, part of my memory of what happened.  Something in my current experience – a word, a color, a sight, or a sound triggers the memory of the past experience. Initially there is this sudden intake of breath, which I imagine as the opening of the file stored on the CD, memory stick or in the file cabinet. Then I connect with the emotions stored with that experience.  Lastly I identify with the messages stored with that experience.  This does not have to be a negative memory.  I might have a memory of the first time I fell in love. When something triggers the process which opens that memory file, I can go from being this very adult, reasonably healthy and together man to being a gooey, love sick, star centered, grinning fool right in the middle of the business meeting!

It could be a memory of one of the many times I was bullied or told how bad or worthless I am. When that sort of memory gets triggered I can go from being this very competent, professional, high functioning person to being this lowly piece of crap who will either attack someone or something or dissolve into this this inept, bungling, needy person who can only reclaim his/her adult status if reassured by the person who is, at some level, responsible for the disappearance of the bright person.  Of course, that person is seldom going to do that.

The question is, of course, how I get this adult, competent person who knows that “he” is worthwhile back.  First, it is important to recognize what is happening. Now I might just say to myself, “Shenpa” without no hint of judgment or any other commentary.  Then, I do my best to refrain from reviewing the old story.  The old story is just the old story, whether it be positive or negative.   If positive, I might be in a position to just enjoy the feelings for a moment.  If negative I want to remind myself who “I” am today; not who I felt like I was a year ago or who I believed I was 20 years ago. I am a bright, competent, work in progress, human, good person.  I do not want to allow anyone to convince me of the opposite. Yet, it is easy to fall into the trap and take that other person’s comments/actions seriously.  I want, if possible, to prevent that.  How? If a supportive friend is available and is able to reassure me of who “I” am, I can then let that person know I need support (I may just ask for what I call a reality check.)  I may do this in person, via voice phone, text or email.  That friend will remind me what is happening and to not reinforce the old message which has been triggered.  If I keep getting support and practice the new “truth” I will soon shut down the rental unit! 

I may also find it helpful to play CDs of one of my spiritual teachers. I have several such recordings on my phone and often listen to them while working out.

.

If the Shenpa is particularly powerful or if I am confused about why I am suddenly gone from being this positive, I can do anything, sort of person to this limp pasta, ineffective person who basically says to someone:  “Paint me blue and I will be blue.” I may need some more intensive help in reclaiming myself.  This may come from a therapist, a counselor, or a life coach.

I will want to learn to be careful about distinguishing the “I” from the other versions of me.  There is the me associated with the old, negative belief. There is the me knows that I am a strong, competent, good person. There is also the me who is the observer. That last “me” has a very important job. The observer has no vested interested in the old or new story.  The observer just notices what is going on and if “he” says anything at all, will just say, “Isn’t that interesting.”

The end goal is always the same. Do not feed, buy into or otherwise reinforce the old negative message. 

What if the message is that I made a mistake? Then from a place of strength I can admit my mistake, take responsibility for it and do what I can to correct or make amends for it. It is not a big deal.  An old message might sneak in and say, “This is a really big deal.”   “I” need to reply, “No, it is not a big deal.  We humans make mistakes. That is all it is. A mistake.”

The headline on the front page of the St. Petersburg Tribune on May 21, 2015 read “Gyrocopter pilot indicted – Ruskin postman returns to U.S. Capitol to face prosecution.”  Douglas Hughes, a Ruskin mail carrier,  last month decided to land his gyrocopter on the Capitol Lawn  in order to deliver 535 letters  calling for campaign finance reform.  He did not get to deliver his letters.  The newspaper article goes to report that he has been indicted by a grand jury on:

·      Two felony counts of operating an aircraft without a proper licenses or permits.

·      Three misdemeanor counts for violating national defense air space.

·      A misdemeanor charge of operating a vehicle falsely labeled as postal carrier.

The article also reports that he “could face up to 9 ½ years in prison.”

Oh my!   The “facts” of the case seem to be:

·      Mr. Hughes has no criminal record or any history of being associated with any revolutionary or terrorist organizations.

·      There were no explosives being carried on the plane.

·      There is no record of mental illness.

·      His attempt to focus attention on campaign finance reform ended up focusing attention on a gap in the security of the Capitol.  In this respect he did everyone in this country a favor.

·      One can agree or disagree about his method of attempting to draw attention to an issue about which many of us have concerns. 

I am not suggesting that any of us should be operating any sort of aircraft without the appropriate license and permits although I can find no evidence that  his skills at operating this vehicle are being called into question.

In short, I would not personally want to suggest that others try a similar method of bringing attention to any issue which we think Congress should be addressing  as our very well paid public servants.  On the other hand, I fail to see what real harm was done. Perhaps it would be good to fine someone a modest amount when he or she disobeys licensing and permits rules. That is what we do when someone drives a car without a current license.  Instead we are going to spend a significant amount of money on building a case and prosecuting this man.  (I could not locate any data on how much this might cost).  Then, if convicted we (you and I)  could end up spending as much as  $290,885.57 on incarcerating this person (based on the federal register 2014 estimated cost of $30619.85 of housing a federal prisoner).

Why in the world would we do this?  Possibly the same reason  why law enforcement has spent billions of dollars incarcerating individuals on marijuana related charges.  (The total currently spent on  housing inmates for drug-related crimes and as an alternative to residential treatment of mental illness is an enormous amount.). If we counted  the amount we spent at the Federal, state, county, and local incarceration costs paid for by we taxpayers it is a huge amount.  There is also the emotional and financial toll on the individual and the family of the individual.  We do this, I suspect, because  we have somehow created a culture in which (1) it feels as if we do not have time for each other, (2) we are used to creating the illusion of a culture into which we can separate the good people from the bad people, (3) we feel a need to protect ourselves from a certain level of intimacy with ourselves and each other, and (4) it is a self perpetuating system in which millions of jobs and local economies are dependent on the current system

Sadly, we are a society which has come to increasingly rely on laws to punish behavior which could be handled with a  metaphorical “slap on the wrist.”   Yes, it is good that this gap in security in our National Capitol has been identified. No, it is not good for licensed or unlicensed pilots to be making decisions to violate the air space of  the home of our Federal government.  No, in my humble opinion it is not good that the original concern, campaign finance reform, has been largely ignored. Mr. Hughes’ very dramatic attempt to  draw national attention to this important issues, has not worked well. If I, as a professional mental health counselor were asked to diagnose this issue, my diagnosis might be:  Dumb Ass Attack.

When I was getting referrals to evaluate individuals because their employer has some concern, a professional employee assistance program would  schedule an evaluation and deliver the results to the employers.   There were times when my assessment was that the individual had serious anger issues, a mental illness, or an addiction issue.  Often, however,  I might get someone whose college or high school friend had come to visit and they had decided to drink more than was healthy or they had decided to smoke a joint for old time sake.    I would diagnose  them as having a “dumb ass attack.” Without exception they knew that they could be drug tested and approximately how much time has to pass before they could be sure of getting a negative test.  They “should” have been more careful in light of company policies. On the other hand, were they “sick, addicted, or a danger to themselves or anyone else?”  The answer in these cases was no. They did do something “dumb”  but they did not need treatment or other intervention. Invariably, however, the company handing the concern wanted  a formal diagnosis and a formal treatment plan. If I refused to submit such a diagnosis and treatment plan, they got very angry. It was clearly in their best interests to show the contract they had with the company was paying dividends.   They were helping to insure that dangerous employees were identified and deal with. Hello! Really!

I could give many other examples of common sense taking a vacation. Take, for example, the case of the three-year old who was  charged in Piedmont, Oklahoma with urinating in public. This little incident cost the mom $2500.00. Consider the case of the man in October of 2014 who got arrested for urinating in his back yard.  Oh my!.   Do we really need to be concerned about these incidents.   I suppose that one could surmise that a three-year old was peeing although one certainly could not see the genitals of this three-year old without a magnifying glass.  Even if the adult male was urinating in his back yard in broad daylight, how visible was his penis?  We are talking here of an average of five to six inches of skin which one has to look hard to see.   Then there was the case of the mother whose toddler got out of the house and was on the sidewalk of a busy street. The mother was a single woman who was tired and/or trying to get some chores done.  Did the neighbors say, “Oh, she probably needs a break. We should offer to help.”  No, she was arrested and charged with child neglect.

There are numerous cases of zero tolerance schools suspending a child for very normal behavior.  It may be behavior that the teachers or administrators want to address but sending a kid home and making a big deal out the behavior is neither appropriate or kind.

There have also been numerous cases of a parent getting questioned about a nude photo of a very small child.  We parents have been taking cute photos of our infants bathing for a very long time.

My point is that we humans can attempt to codify all behavior. We can do so  through diagnostic manuals approved by medical associations, school systems, community, county, state, and federal laws.  If not careful, nearly every behavior will  now be labeled and we directly and indirectly will spend an inordinate amount of money enforcing the laws and punishing our neighbors. 

How about a little common sense?  I really do not care if a three-year old urinates in the front yard or even if an adult does so.   I might say to my neighbor that perhaps it would be better to only expose one’s genital inside the house or in one’s back yard.

Actually, there are many behavior which, while I might not personally engage in, do not really affect my well-being  or the well-being of my family.  It is fine, in my humble opinion, to decide some behavior is not consistent with my comfort or beliefs,  but do I really need to impose those standards on others and make a law which allows us to prosecute those whose behavior does not fit neatly into what I have prescribed as okay for me?

I am more upset with the behavior of the Capitol Police and the U. S. Attorney’s office than I am that of Mr. Hughes.   I might recommend to Mr. Hughes that he go to his room and  write an essay stating why his choice was not an acceptable one for  the community at large. At the same time, I would have to thank him for helping to identify a gap in the system for securing the space around our Nation’s Capitol.

I do not want to arrest little children, single parents who are working very hard to be a good parent, prostitutes (let’s make it legal for goodness sake and insure that they are healthy), people who expose themselves (a simple response such as “Is that as big as it gets?” frequently stops the behavior), having porn (even child porn which can be put there by someone else) on one’s computer.   I do not want to give a label to every “dumb ass attack” or every behavior which I do not like. As much as I would like to be non-judgmental I find that I can still be very judgmental.  On the other hand, do I want anyone using my tax money to jail someone who does not cover what appears to be a very unattractive beer belly? Do I want to arrest everyone who seems to have no “taste?”.

What I am suggesting is that we need to quit using the legal system to  avoid dealing with each other as neighbors.   I think the most frequent “dumb ass attacks” are with those who use the legal system  in the way I have been describing.  I am merely suggesting that we dig deep into the recesses of our minds and retrieve a little common sense!