​Creatures and Monsters
 
A person writing an editorial in a local newspaper used the words “creatueres” and “monsters” to refer to individual who have been convicted of abusing a young child.  The person writing the editorial was decrying the fact that in the state in which these individuals were convicted the maximum sentence the judge could impose was eight years.  The fear seems to be that that they could remain capable of abusing other children when they are released in a mere 8 years.  This is a possibility.  As long as the diagnoses are “creatures” and “monsters” there is little hope of a treatment protocol which could be effective in eight or thirty years.  
 
Obviously, the diagnoses of “creatures” and “monsters” is not helpful, accurate or kind.   These diagnoses are not designed to be helpful, accurate or kind.   What then is the purpose of such diagnoses?  I suspect that there are multiple purposes including:
 

• To ensure that they are perceived as different than us “normal, healthy” people; to show there is no chance we could abuse a child.
• To justify the current “eye for an eye” mentality which masks as a system of justice.
• Ironically, to provide an answer or response to the abuse which is treats the symptom but not the issue. I say ironically because it is likely that the abuser was reacting to a symptom rather than an accurate identification of an issue which led to the abuse.

 
It is understandable that all of us would like will wrapped, concise, easy answers to such complicated issue as child abuse and other harmful behavior.  It is also understandable that most of us would like to pretend that those who abuse others are so different from us that we could never be in their shoes.  Yet, at the same time, we are very selective about the types of abuse of which we approve or do not approve. Many forms of financial abuse are considered laudatory, the price of capitalism or good business.    Sacrificing others to feed our delusions by labeling  some people as good or bad as if one simply ordered up the brains for helpful or hurtful behavior from the Amazon is reinforced by those vested with religions or legal authority.
 
We live in an age which allows us to view photos of the brain and to record aspects of the functioning of the brain under the influences of various factors. We know that that free will is a misnomer.  We do have some limited ability to make choices, but so many of those choices are dependent on factors which one has to attribute to fate, luck or the decisions of the Gods.  We are blessed to live in the age of science and, yet, we continue to label people as good or bad – symptoms referring to acceptable or non-acceptable behavior.  We have accepted  that brain tumors, diseases we now label as dementia, and illness we call mental illness can render someone incapable of accessing moral  or community rules. We excuse behavior which our educated guess or modern equipment tells us is to a condition over which the patient had not control.
 
In short labeling a person because of symptoms  and spending billions of dollars to treat people as “creatures” or “monsters” when, it factm, the treatment asures a merely a self-fulfilling prophecy,  is not good science or, in my limited thinking,  moral by any standard.  We do not need to now label those who label the symptoms as “creatures” or “monsters” but we do need to challenge this unscientific thinking and behavior.
 
Written January 31, 2019
Jimmy  F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 

​HOMO – PHOBIA
 
 
The word homo strictly means “a genus of hominids including modern humans.  The origin of the word is Latin translated as man.   The term phobia is usually translated as intense and/or irrational fear. Thus, someone might have a strong and irrational fear of man.  The term homophobia has come to mean a fear of someone who is romantically or sexually attracted to someone of the same sex.  The source of the fear is generally not physical.  If someone is fearful of being forced to have sex with someone of the same gender in prison, one may not be primarily fearful because it is someone of the same gender although that may be some of the fear.  No one likes to be forcibly used sexually by another person no matter what the gender.(consensual S and M activity is not the same as being forced).
 
In general males are more homophobic than females although there are certainly females who strongly believe any same sex activity is sinful and/or disgusting. 
 
If most homophobia is not related to the physical fear of being overpowered and raped, what is the source of the fear?  Most heterosexual males who are homophobic do not mind being approached sexually by a female who is not their partner.  Assuming they have an exclusive and committed romantic relationship with a female they will simply say no thank you.  If a boss or someone in authority is attempting to coerce someone most are going to be very upset.
 
In the Old Testament times when the belief was that there was a shortage of sperm and there were no microscopes to confirm or deny this, it was important, given the high childbirth death rate (mothers and children), ) the prohibition was against wasting seed. Thus, both masturbation and male same sex relationship were prohibited.  We now know most healthy males have a significant number of sperms.  Over the years the prohibition morph into same sex relationships and masturbation.
 
At some point in human evolution gender role patterns became rules which were incorporated into religious dogma. Depending on which dating techniques are used by social scientists early society were either matriarchal or patriarchal.  The answer becomes important to many even though there may have been many factors for how tasks were shared in various cultures.
 
Many hundreds of years ago it would seem that patriarchy was born.   Perhaps, at some level, we males always knew that our arguments for patriarchy were very weak.  Thus, we legally and religiously justified and codified gender roles.    One could temporarily set aside the rules if the need during wartime became acute enough. In more recent history Rosie the riveter became the symbol of the female “temporarily” taking over the “male” jobs.    What exactly makes some jobs masculine or feminine? It is clear in the human species that the female biology is designed for incubating the child and giving birth. It is also clear that male penis may be the most efficient “natural” method for delivering the sperm to the egg.  Otherwise,  individual strength and skills determine who can best do a task.   Just because there is a lexicon of gender specific words to justify unequal pay and status does not mean  the tasks requires female or male anatomy.    Consider words such as tailor and seamstress, cook and chef, house cleaner and janitor (now domestic engineer) and a host of others. One term indicates a professional status deserving of a decent wage and one indicates a job done by a house person, traditionally often a female with no direct pay or not enough pay to be independent.
 
One might make a cogent argument that homophobia is related to an acute fear that one’s masculinity will not be validated by other males; that the homophobic male has very little confidence or trust that he has any intrinsic worth until and unless it is validated by  other males (and some females).
 
Homophobia has nothing to do with sexual orientation.  One is somewhere on the continuum of sexual identity.   One might only be sexually turned on by people of the same or opposite gender.  One is more likely to be somewhere along the continuum.  Most of us have a decided preference.
 
In future blogs I will further explore this topic.   Others individuals,  such as the West Virginia  Radio Journalist Trey Kay on his Us and Them series, are exploring this topic.  His current  episode is “Cave men, the Patriarchy and Fairytales”. Many academic scholars and organizations such as Men Against Sexism have been exploring this and related topics for many years.  I urge the reader to listen to Trey Kay’s podcast and to explore some of the articles and books on this topic.
 
Written January 30, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

​Redemption
 
Ear Hustle is a podcast originating from St. Quentin Prison and is produced by now former inmate Earldonne Woods and Antwan Williams.  Recently, perhaps partly because of the podcast which invites listeners to attend to the truth that inmates are not their crime and are not their label of criminal,  Earldonne Woods was pardoned by the departing California Governor Jerry Brown.  Governor Brown subsequently granted an interview with Earldonne and Antwan which was, in part, aired on the podcast. During that interview Governor Brown stated “Redemption is the essence of humanity.”    He said this in the context of a discussion about doing away with the three strikes rule/law in California as well as other changes in the California penal system.
 
Redemption according to Oxford dictionary is:
 

1.  The action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil.
2. The action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment.

 
It is, of course, no secret that we humans often commit acts which are hurtful to people, places and things.   It is also no secret that when we hurt others we also separate ourselves and, thus, hurt ourselves.  Some ways of hurting others are more immediately destructive or dangerous.  The ultimate hurt is, perhaps murder although there is much disagreement about how to rank order the hurts we cause each other. Yet, we do rank order them and have laws which define whether a hurt is  minor or major- misdemeanor or a felony.   
 
Some behavior which may not seem hurtful to another may be designated a crime because it is considered “unnatural” or “immoral” by some citizens.   In this country and many others there has been some attempt to distinguish between the laws which are hurtful and those which may “merely” offend someone’s private beliefs.   Homosexual behavior between consenting adults is an example of behavior which was previously labeled a crime in this country  and is till labeled a crime in some countries. Yet, it hurts no one.
 
Governor Brown seems to be implying that there is no act which cannot be forgiven.  If redemption is” being saved from sin, error or evil” then Earldonne has been declared redeemed or saved from being defined by his past behavior.   I believe the teachings of both Buddha and Jesus assert that anyone can be forgiven.  When Jesus tells the disciples that the person without sin – without having hurt another – is to throw the first stone he is implying (1) there is no distinction between sins and (2) we are all worthy of redemption.
 
Governor Brown seems to be saying that what distinguished humans from other animals is that we are capable of understanding all humans are imperfect; that there is no basis for judging one person worse than another.  We can make educated guesses about whether or a person is now capable of considering the needs of others prior to acting.  Just because a person is incapable – has a brain which, for whatever reason, cannot consider the needs of others – does not mean that person should be punished.  They may need to be restrained and held in a safe place. That person is still deserving of our love, respect and forgiveness.
 
What if we only restrained people who are incapable of considering the needs of others and what if the goal was to treat these people with love and not punishment?
 
I belief there is no reason to restrain anyone just because we do not like their behavior or it violates our religious rules or beliefs.  We are a diverse people with diverse backgrounds, cultures and beliefs. We can honor our shared humanity and accept that not everyone has to behave in a way which is pleasing to us.  
 
Perhaps redemption is the essence of humanity.
 
Written January 28, 2019
 
Jimmy  F Pickett
 
 
 

Sunday Musings – January 27, 2019
 
It seems as if I always get the reminder I most need.  It arrives via an email, in a letter,  in a book, via a podcast or in some other form.  Just yesterday I reminded someone else  “when the student is ready” the teacher appears.   The past week or so I have received many reminders that. it is often as I settle into solitude that I connect with the universe.  Often, I start off feeling lonely and as if I need to connect with others. Perhaps the feeling is that I need someone else to assure me that I am wanted or needed in this universe. Yet, if I seek out that connection I am always soon again feeling empty. 
 
It is only when. I allow myself to settle into the space beneath the loneliness that I am able to reach the quiet place of solitude.  Then and only then am I able to truly connect  and experience that I am a part of.
Then I am ready to be with others which is much different than seeking out others hoping to steal their soul to make mine whole. 
 
Frequently, we or those we know talk of being in a room or city full of people and feeling alone.  We live in an age where many people live in urban areas in close proximity to each other. Many of us have access to and daily use of the internet to connect with others. In the small community in which I live there are many occasions to gather with others.  Yet so many report feeling lonely and alone.   I often communicate with people in jail/prison who feel very much alone even when they are suffocating from being amongst so many other people.  Yet, they are not connected in any meaningful way,  I sometimes hear from those in jails/prisons who like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr., Diedrich Bonhoeffer and many others are able to find solitude and, thus connection in prison;  to know what it means to truly belong; to be a part of.

One-week post Martin Luther King Jr. birthday remembrances and celebrations in the United States; one week post stirring reminders by such erudite voices as the Rev. Dr. Kelly Brown Douglas who spoke at Wall Street Trinity Episcopal Church; one week post when the voices of the youth in West Virginia spoke so eloquently on the teachings of Martin Luther King, Jr.; one week post bitter cold peace marches in many places; one week post shaming and discrediting those seeking asylum in the United States the voice crying in the wilderness reminds us to be still.   It is in that stillness that we shall find comfort.
 
On this Sunday morning when here in the United States of America there is a very narrow window of time for elected leaders to agree on a Federal budget.   If suddenly the Congressional leaders and President Trump appeared in my office I would first remind myself, “Be still and be present.” and I would remind all in the room to enter the solitude  in which  we will find the connection which will allow the embracing of all the Americas.    The United States cannot be a great nation by itself. We are part of a larger body of nations.  Our problems are their problems and their problems are our problems.  No nation or person will feel a connection with the bully.  No bully will feel a connection with others.
 
This process begins always with me.  Sometimes families arrive in my office creating a lot of noise and discord.  I have to remind myself to just sit quietly and find my place of solitude.  When I do that the family members begin to join me.  The noise stops. 
 
Today I will welcome the solitude which leads to connection.
 
Written January 27, 2019
 
Jimmy F Pickett
 
 
 

​Big girl and big boy pants
 
As a counselor I think a lot about how to inspire and help others claim their strength and power without confusing that process with putting on the costumes of the stereotypes of masculine and feminine.  All who know me also know that I attempt to explore this process with a large dose of humor.  It is my experience that us humans are amazing, dumb, brilliant, strong, cowardly, weak, fearful, and courageous. Often, we are different people in different roles.  We may even have a costume for each role.  I am no exception.  I have a gym costume, a work costume, a chore costume and many more.   Each costume accurately reflects a part of me, but none define me. If I begin to confuse my costume with who I am I will feel weak, empty, disconnected and lonely.  I may attempt to blame other people, places and situations for my “dis ease”.
 
I was thinking about this topic before I listened to this week’s podcast of On Being featuring host Krista Tippett, Olympic soccer medalist Abby Wambach and writer/activities Glennon Doyle. The title given to this podcast is “Un-becoming”.   Mrs. Doyle and Wamback have fascinating individual stories and stories of life as a married couple who are raising children.  Their stories are about  the courage to keep growing; the courage to let go of shame; the courage to face new challenges. I urge the reader to listen to the podcast.  Listening to it fed my thoughts about what I am referring to as putting on big girl and big boy pants; what these women call courage or the process of claiming our courage.
 
Ms. Doyle is a person in recovery for addiction to alcohol. Her early experience with courage took place first in deciding to recover and then in claiming the often seemingly opposing qualities of courage and vulnerability. Mrs. Wambach had own demons although, on the surface as an Olympic star she may have seemed to have it all.
 
The first step of the 12-step program is about claiming the courage to admit that one is powerless over alcohol, another drug or some other addictive substance or behavior.   Ironically by claiming that one is powerless one takes the first step in becoming powerful.  
As one then proceeds to the next steps of the 12-step program one discovered that reclaiming one’s life/one’s personhood requires that one claim the courage to be vulnerable – to be naked.  Coming to terms with one’s pain and often the feeling of shame for some of one’s past ways of hurting oneself and others; for just being oneself,  is a major step towards claiming one’s strength.
 
My mother, bless her heart, was extremely shameful of the fact that we were poor and we children often wore patched or even homemade clothes. Her shame often led to anger which led to attempting to prove that she was worthwhile or a good as others.  In her case, she did accomplish a lot.  In many respects she was an amazing woman.  Yet, her anger and attempt to prove herself left her vulnerable to being alone and lonely.  Had she been able to let go of the shame she would have enjoyed quiet strength and felt the love she so deserved and wanted.
 
When I am working for/with clients my goal is often to support them in facing their pain and their shame so that they can more fully claim their strength.  When I suggest they put on their big girl and big boy pants I am attempting to reassure them that beneath the shame and the vulnerability of being human is the strength to claim the dance which is theirs alone to choreograph and dance.  Fortunately, one does not need to go shopping for these pants. We all have them. We only need to courage to be vulnerable enough to wear them.
 
Written January 25, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
 
 

​Compromise
 
 
I am sure many people in the United States have been attempting to “walk in the shoes” of those who are currently serving terms as Senators and Representatives in the Congress of the United States.  All readers will, I am sure, be aware that the United States is experiencing a partial government shutdown which has left over 800,000 without  pay while countless others are not receiving assistance and other benefits.    The President, Republicans and  Democrats are under increasing pressure to arrive at a compromise regarding a budget.   The heart of the issue is whether to spend billions of dollars for a border wall. On the surface both sides may seem to present cogent arguments for their position.   One side posits that many of the immigrants attempting to enter the United States are criminals and that a border wall will help stop the flow of illegal drugs into the United States.   I have yet to find any evidence that a majority or even a substantial number of potential immigrants are criminals although, by definition, if one enters the country illegally one is automatically a criminal.   
 
The other side assert that most of the immigrants seem to be fleeing poverty and other forms of violence.   Second, most illegal drugs come in at legal ports of entry. Even though I believe reports  that both of these assertions are true, I am sure that there are many who believe the opposite.
 
Compromise obviously means that one or both groups of people agree to something which they do not support in order to achieve a more significant goal.  If I was a member of Congress what would  or could I do to become part of the solution?  First ,I must  accept:
 

• Facts have little to do with this very emotional argument.
• No matter what is decided a large number of people are going to be unhappy.
• Building or not building more of a border wall is not going to have a significant impact on drug deaths in this country, the overcrowding of prisons, or the recidivism rate of individuals released from prison.
• Building or not building a border wall in not going to reduce poverty or other forms of violence in the country of origin of those attempting to immigrate.
• Many individuals legally profit from the current drug epidemic and would profit from the wall proposal.  This includes those who supply raw materials and finished products to build  and maintain prisons as well as those who provide food, clothing, and other supplies.  Jails and prisons are big business in the United States.  A significant number of law enforcement personnel, attorneys, and, yes, treatment staff benefit from the current epidemic.  
• Many would profit from building a wall and/or from other material and personnel to increase security at  the borders.
• Many profit from housing immigrants and handling their applications for asylum and potential citizenship.
• We must find a way to reopen government services and to pay workers.

 
The first point is the most important in this situation.   This argument is not about facts.  It is about who can muster the most emotionally charged support for their position.  It is, as many have noted, a game of chicken. In this case whoever gives in loses political support from some and gains from others.
 
All of us have been in situations where an argument is unwinnable.  No matter what is decided no one wins.  No solution on the board is going to have a significant impact on the immigration system, the drug epidemic or the political, economic or social problems in the countries from which most immigrants originate.  None of the core issues are on the table.  Even if the Dreamers get a three year reprieve their future is still undecided.
 
What would I do if I was in a position to cast a vote in the Senate or House?  Of course, I cannot say for sure but I suspect that the best comprise is to:

• Agree to the money for a wall.
• Work hard to carefully define the core issues.
• Work hard on the next election to present practical solutions to the core issues -treat the electorate as adults.  We can deal with the facts.
• Accept responsibility for allowing the current situation to come to this state,  We have all played a part.

As stated a compromise is not a win-win for anyone.  All can, however, when presented with a need for a compromise, think more long term.
 
 
Written January 23, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Stand up – Stand up
 
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter”.   This was the quote from Martin Luther King Jr. which 1-12 school age children in West Virginia were invited to discuss in an essay, film or song for 2019 Martin Luther King Jr.contest.   The winner in each age category were then invited to attend a breakfast and awards ceremony on January 21 at the YWCA in Wheeling, WV.  This is, I think, the 30th year that the YWCA has sponsored  this contest.  The only change has been adding the categories of song and film.    There are 1st, second and third place winners.  For a variety of reasons most of the winners are of a race other than African American.  I am sure that this is true, in part, because:
 

• West Virginia has a low percentage of African Americans.
• The results of implicit and explicit racism

 
Other Martin Luther King celebration events may have a slightly more diverse attendance.  Religious services tend to attract more African Americans and have, over the years, gradually become more inclusive of different religious traditions.
 
The young people who did submit essays, films and songs were articulate, thoughtful, sincere and creative. Their families and some of the teachers were enormously supportive. Clearly some schools and some teachers seemed more able to attract and support students In these creative efforts.   Family members and teachers who did attend the event had to have time off work, the funds to travel and today a safe car to make the journey on snowy and icy roads. 
 
I forgot to ask Ron Scott, the person currently in charge of the program the total number of entries and what percentage of  1-12 age student were represented.  
 
There is currently no way of knowing the percentage of students in all of West Virginia schools who are regularly invited and challenged to write essays ,make films or use other artistic talents on such important moral and ethical topics as those often addressed by leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr.  If the behavior of many of our so-called leaders in politics, religion, and other  areas of our community and work life are typical it would seem that we have not been challenging them or ourselves to think cogently and creatively about moral and ethical issues.  Clearly, “pouring” some ethical or moral rules into the heads of children is not helpful nor effective in creating leaders who are adept at thinking inclusively and out the box. 
 
Of course, challenging our children means first challenging ourselves.  In order to have the luxury of being able to do that we, as a society, must, at a minimum:
 

• Have national health care which is inclusive. Do we doubt that heathy people have healthier minds?
• Insure that all people have access to healthy food, safe and affordable housing, and a means of earning a decent living.
• Insure that parenting is treated as a valuable job 24 hours a day.
• Have teachers who are well trained, have a passion for teaching/learning and a decent income.
• Insure that all schools are treated equally.  In many cases this means that they are equally funded.
• Insure the emotional, academic, physical and mental needs of the children are met.
• Insure teachers and parents are able to design program which meet the needs of diverse students
• Provide one on one mentors for students who do not have access to healthy, available mentors in their family of origin.

 
I am not suggesting that we can insure that all children grow up to be free of mental illness or emotional problems. We certainly are not at that point in our evolution.   We do have power over many of the factors which will make a huge difference for the majority of children who will soon be adult leaders and mentors.
 
If we want to move a step closer to the dreams and ideals of Martin Luther King Jr we have to raise children whose self-esteem is independent of the need to discount the sacredness of others. We know that  all forms of bullying, oppression and discrimination are related to a need to prove one self worth at the expense of another person(s) or socially constructed group.
 
These are not unrealistic goals.  We can elect leaders who care enough to ensure that we allocate the resources needed to raise children who are emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually healthy adults.  We can raise children who become adults  committed  to creating communities where the ideals of such leaders as Martin Luther King Jr. are the reality; communities where we are not silent about what matters.
 
Written January 22, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
 
 

Sunday Musings - Manifest Reality – January 20, 2019
 
From where cometh manifest reality?
 
Who decides?
 
Must we wait for the Gods to descend from the Mountaintop?
 
For Moses or Martin Luther King Jr.?
 
Do we really need a prophet to tell us that
 
we are one family?
 
To remind us that the original master communicator
 
was not the magical computers of today which will
 
excitedly chat with each other around the globe.
 
No!
 
Did we forget?
 
Energy is neither created nor destroyed.
 
Do we really think the molecules out of which each being
 
evolved was selectively chosen for past race, sexual orientation,
 
gender, religion or membership in some elite group?
 
We are Moses.
 
We are Jesus.
 
We are Joan of Arc.
 
We are Mother Theresa.
 
We are Rosa Parks
 
We are Martin Luther King Jr..
 
We are the homeless.
 
We are the immigrant.
 
We are the dreamers.
 
We are the artists, the scientists and the poets.
 
We are!
 
We are!
 
We are
 
 manifest reality.
 
Written January 20, 2019
Jimmy F. Pickett
 
 
 
 

 
 
 

​Claiming our dance -Claiming our dream.
 
Many humans and perhaps most at one time or another describe feeling a deep hole within themselves. This hold leaves one feeling different than/disconnected from oneself, others and the universe in general.  Many attempt to fill the hole with power, sex, or things.   Others attempt to numb themselves so they do not feel.
 
If one is lucky/blessed one eventually discovers the paradox that the only to heal and, thus, feel connected is to embrace the hole; to go down into it and from its core begin the dance of freedom.  If one is suffering from clinical depression, a thyroid dysfunction, a brain tumor or other medical condition which will not allow one to begin the dance one must first get those conditions treated. If one is  actively addicted to alcohol or other drugs one must seek help detoxing from those drugs and begin the recovery process.
 
What does it mean to go down into its core and  begin the dance of freedom?   For many of us it is important to draw, paint, visualize or musically imagine the dance.  Some might be fine with an acute sense of the dance. 
 
Perhaps one has noticed that when one is feeling disconnected one also feels very small and has unconsciously manipulated one’s body to make oneself as small as possible.  Perhaps one’s legs are close together, one’s arm are tucked inside of one’s body, one’s breath is shallow (starting in the chest instead of the abdomen) and one’s face is scrunched up into a tight ball. 
 
Imagine oneself inside of the internal ball of disconnection.  Now take out one’s water color paints and begin to paint the interior of the ball.  Notice as one does so that there are points of light showing through .  Let your legs and hands touch the sides of the now brightly colored ball.  You begin to expand until there is only this ball.  You continue to expand and soon fills first the room, then the building and eventually the universe.   You are now intimately connected to the universe. You are the universe just as all of us are the universe.  
 
On this weekend in the United States as we celebrate the work and life of Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks and the host of others who have dared to dream and to claim their universal selves we can begin the process of dreaming and claiming our universal selves. 
 
When we are at peace we are truly one; not one with the world but ONE.
 
Wherever we are let’s begin our dance. It is brightly colored, powerful and all encompassing.  We are the universe. The universe is us.  Together with the spirits of all our ancestors we will dance the dance of connection; of freedom.
 
Written January 19, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
 
 

​Stress?
 
I suspect if we listen to ourselves, our family members and our work mates we frequently hear the words stress or stressful.   A few minutes ago, I was reading an email from a friend which said, “Today I start out and deal with many stresses in my business and my life.”  What makes a situation or relationship stressful?   What are we meaning to convey to ourselves and others when we use that term?
 
Oxford Dictionary defines stress as:

1. Pressure or tension exerted on a material object.
2. State of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.
3. Physiological disturbance or damage caused to an organism by adverse circumstances.
4. Emphasis given to a particular syllable or word in speech,…

 
I am particularly interested in the second definition because that is how I believe we often use the term.  I suspect that we might experience less “mental or emotional” stress if we used the first definition.
 
Often many of us exert pressure on ourselves by telling ourselves
 

• We have to complete a task perfectly.
• That it will be a crisis if we are not able to fix a person or a situation.
• That we have to please a boss, friend, partner, or child.
• That we can avoid unpleasant discussions if we lie – overtly or covertly – but then are fearful that the lie will be discovered.
• That we are not lovable as the humans that we are.
• That we can spend money which is not in the budget and depend on no unexpected expenses.

 
I am sure all of us could add to this list.  My point is that I have observed for myself and others that when I exert pressure on myself or accept pressure others are putting on me I tense up, begin to feel overwhelmed and run the risk of not doing a task well because very little of my focus and energy is available for the task at hand.  I “know” that I only have to do my best for today. There are days that I am not able to complete a task because some other task is more important or I do not have the mental or physical energy to do it.  For example, I wanted to complete this blog yesterday but was unable to do so.  The goal was a self-imposed goal and, thus, easily open to change.
 
It may be that the task is one imposed by a direct or indirect boss such as a customer.  I may at times need to tell my boss that I am unable to complete a task I had previously said that I could.  If the boss is not okay with the new target date than I may need to look for another job or customer.   I know that I am willing to take on job other than the one I am licensed to do.   I existed prior to this license and will continue to exist and even to thrive even if I have to take another job at less pay.
 
Not everyone has to love or approve of me.   I once had a supervisor who said something I heard as negative and which many do consider negative.  I began to tense up and put pressure on myself as I proceeded to verbally beat myself up. Later I came to terms with the fact that she was correct and that the characteristic to which she referred was one in which I took pride even though some label it as negative.  Today I am pleased with whom I am as a work in progress.  As folks in the 12-step program are often heard to say, “progress and not perfection.”
 
I am not fragile.  I do not have to lie and avoid sharing my decisions, thoughts or feelings with another.  I may, at times, tell a person I am not ready to discuss an issue but that I will at such and such time. Obviously, I do not have to tell everyone every detail of my life but I also do not need to lie when doing so violates a core value in the relationship.
 
I do, of course, have to live with the consequences of my decisions some of which may not have been consistent with my long-term goals and values.   This does not have to be a big deal when it means I have to now sacrifice other goals, wants or desires. 
 
We have all known that person who seems very skilled at trusting that all they have to do is their best for today. They seem to have a secret way of accepting themselves and life as it is today.  They are always going to  focus on problem solving rather than tensing up and worrying about what they did or did not do in the past. They are not cavalier about past mistakes especially if they adversely affected others, but they know that it is safe to relax and move forward.
 
I am certainly not suggesting that we can or want to lead a stress-free life.  I am suggesting that we can accept that stress is almost always -perhaps always – an internal factor  which I have the power to change. I cannot change the past or what others are doing or not doing. I can change my response and the extent to which I accept the invitation to the drama being extended by another person.
 
Written January 18, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett