“Living the questions”
 
I have attempted to read Rainer Maria Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet with an open mind and heart many times.  Each time I hear something new.   Now his admirers have an exciting new translation by Joanna Macy and Anita Barrows.  Krista Tippett, host of On Being podcast invited Ms. Macy and Barrows to join her June 24, 2021 for a conversation about their new translation. 
 
Other individuals might be intimidated by the daunting task of unearthing new gems in a work which has been so thoroughly studied.  Yet these two women have managed to do just that.   This morning when I listened to the podcast for the third time, I was struck by the phrase “living the question” and by their translation of what Rilke has to say about gender. “One day, the girl and the woman who don’t define themselves in masculine terms but as something in themselves, female humans, will require no other completion. This enormous shift will transform the character of love, which is hampered today by the resistance of men, and generate a relationship from human to human, not from man to woman…the love that consisted of two solitudes that protect, border, and greet each other. “(Page 59,60)
 
 
One must remember that Rilke was a 27-year-old young man when writing these letters nearly 120 years ago.  Yet, as if true for all prophets, he was confident it is the questions and not the answers which are responsible for the life force we call creativity and euphemistically call gods.   Ms. Tippett uses the phase “living the questions”. 
 
So many of us humans find a temporary solace in the illusion of answers.   We know what the gods demand of us; who is worthy and unworthy; which “sins’ are criminal, and which are permissible if done with authority. These answers also define the limits of gender, love, and all human relationships.   They assign neat, socially constructed chains of labels such as gender. Gender is often confused with sex -whether someone is male. female or non-binary.  The socially constructed chains of gender take on the sacredness of the gods and, as such, are protected with the sword of righteousness enforced by such organizations as churches,  the NRA, and the manufacturers of lethal weapons.
 
As Ms. Macy and Ms. Barrows obverse during the conversation with Ms. Tippett it has been tempting for females to take on the socially constructed masculine role rather than in Rilke’s terms to be “female humans”.   It seems to me often we males, to shed the chains of masculinity, have also taken on the chains of socially constructed femininity.
 
Any time one sets aside the question and settles on an answer one risks the danger of slipping on a costume which hides or camouflages the authentic self;  the self which is always in the process of becoming.  The question, for example, of who is one’s best is an ever-evolving process of opening to one’s possibility as one greets and encounters the day.  Once freed from the chains of gender one is free from a thousand other imposed socially constructed labels meant to define or, perhaps, control one.  
 
Regardless of whether one is male or female one can claim the talents and behavior which creatively adds to rather than subtracts from the creation of community.   Only then can an authentic community be realized; one which values each contribution as equally important.  This is reflected in in the sharing of talents and resources.  The nurse, surgeon, janitor, IT person, cook/chef, comedian, teacher, childcare provider, and prophet are not viewed as more or less than.   Gone are the social constructs of gender, sexual orientation, formal education, or other labels.  Gone are the answers. The only question is:  :What is my best contribution to this collective dance today?”
 
When I arrived in the community of Hoonah, Alaska David, one of the elders, said to me, “I will teach you.   You cannot possibly know anything.”  He was not insulting me.  Even though I was then 31 and had a graduate degree he knew that I could not know anything.   David knew that whether carving a fishhook, picking berries, fishing, fulfilling his role as an elder or any other tasks he had to be open to the community of people, animals, the wind and all the forces of nature - the choreography of the gods.    As was equally true for my Buddhist teacher the primary question is:  “What do I need to do this moment to be more fully open to this collective dance.”
 
Rilke talks about generating relationships from human to human.  Although he is writing to the young poet who is initially thinking in terms of romantic love one has the sense that Rilke understood that once one focuses on the questions and not answers one allows for the possibility of unlimited love which can blossom, die and continually be reborn.
 
Written June 29, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 ​

Sunday Musings - June 27, 2021
Grandma Fannie  reminds her children “We have all sinned and fall short the glory of God.” (Paul’s letter to the Romans, 3:23) or “You are getting too big for your britches.”
 
This week I was particularly aware of the tenuous relationship with fear that many of us continue to have.  Of course, I know this is nothing new. We have a long history of being fearful of those we designate “the other” or of being designated as “the other”.
 
In this country it is no secret that we have a history of systematic racism, sexism and other forms of oppression - of convincing ourselves that our self-worth has to be built on the backs of others.  Yet, at the same time, we want to be considered people worthy of respect and love.  Thus, if someone says that “Black Lives Matter” we may hear “White lives do not matter.”  It is very clear that the assertion that Black Lives Matter is in response to the history of treating the lives of black people as if they do not matter or they matter only in so far as they serve the needs of white/Caucasian people (white males especially). The real issue seems to be that our ego strength is so weak that many of us cannot accept that we have directly or indirectly benefited from the ongoing history of racism. We become fearful that others are saying we do not matter.  It seems we can only think in terms of dualities; of a hierarchy of importance or worth.  It has to be either/or.  It cannot be both. 
 
The fierce objection to the teaching of what has euphemistically been termed critical race theory seems to be grounded in this fear.  Talking about systemic racism, gender bias and other “facts” of our history seems to be heard as a threat to treat the white man as badly as he has treated others.  It is not surprising that legislative bills prohibiting the teaching of history of racism/white privilege also outlaws the teaching of the history of gender as a social construct.  
 
Related issues are much in the news:  the unequal distribution of wealth or rather the fact that many must live in abject poverty in order for the 1% to steal much of the financial wealth, using a environmental and social destructive amount of the resources while paying a smaller percentage of taxes and sometimes no taxes; the very profitable firearm industry and promotion of the use of firearms to protect “stuff”; the belief that stuff equals worth and has equal or greater value than the life of our brothers and sisters whose “stealing” from those who legally steal is criminal. 
 
I am not defending stealing. I am suggesting that if you want to stop illegal stealing then one should stop legal stealing of money, opportunity and worth. 
 
One cannot deliberately create an us/them system and then expect “them” to be grateful for the crumbs thrown out in the snow.
 
If we deconstruct racism, sexism, homophobia, or other forms of oppression we cannot hold on to an us/them mentality.  
 
It is noteworthy that many of the brothers and sisters who are so fearful of such deconstruction are the same individuals who will attend worship services and mouth the words of Paul and other prophets such as Grandma Fannie.  When Grandma Fannie says “You are getting too big for your britches.” she was not referring to the fact that in fact, as children, we might have been too poor to quickly replace the britches which were flood pants - too short for the growing legs. It was her down home way of teaching the lesson she had heard in church or read in her well-worn bible, “ We have all sinned and fall short the glory of god.”  The greatest sin for Grandma Fannie may have been self-righteousness - a forgetting of the fact that we are all equally human and, thus, equally deserving of Grace.  Many other teachers before and after Jesus would teach the same lesson which their students may have heard without hearing.  The primary message of that teacher, Jesus, who, for some was/is God incarnate, was Grace is the birthright of all.  Despite the fact that religious leaders, in all their humaneness, attempt to divide brothers and sisters into the deserving and undeserving; into the saved and unsaved, the message of equality and equity is clear.  
 
This is the paradox.  We are all human. We make grave mistakes, have flaws and shortcoming, are wonderful, hurtful, silly, wise, funny, mean, and loving.  Despite sophisticated programs such as excel and numbers we cannot construct a scientific system of measuring the relative worth of each of us; a system for assigning a point value to all the ways we uplift each other as well as the ways we hurt each other.
 
Grandma Fannie reminds us: “It is okay to admit that we have our moments of being too big for our britches.  It is okay to be the humans that we are.  Glory, hallelujah we have all sinned and fall short the glory of God.  We all deserve Grace.  We all have a place at the table.”
 
Written June 27, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 ​

The pursuit of honesty


Recently my spiritual intention for the day was to be honest with myself which, at this stage of my life, should be simple.  I cannot think of anything about my life or activity which, if shared, would trigger shame or even embarrassment.   I have not developed the social medial habit of sharing intimate moment by moment details of my life since there are many details of my life I do not share just because they are private and uninteresting. 


That having been said, I have long had the habit of keeping secrets from myself.  For example, I was, at an early age, brain washed to believe that I could only be loved by God if all my sexual desire were heterosexual.  I also needed to remain a virgin until I was married. So, despite all evidence to the contrary, I convinced myself that if I remained a virgin and married a woman at age 25 I was heterosexual.  Obviously, being desperate to have a sexual relationship was not a reason to get married even to someone I truly loved.  Eventually I had to confess to myself that my primary sexual attraction was not to people of the opposite sex even if I was attracted to and deeply loved a person of the same sex.


As a child I often lied to my mother if I thought I could avoid a beating.  I would use my seemingly intuitive awareness of her prejudices or biases to craft a lie I thought she would believe.   Then i would feel very shameful and pray to the God of my then understanding for forgiveness.  My earlier memory of consciously doing this was at age 5.  I knew full well what i was doing.


Later, I would learn to more effectively lie to myself about any behavior which I thought would be displeasing to others or to the God of my understanding.  Since I “knew” that God knew all I could only convincing lie if I clearly believed the story I told myself.  If a lie or “an alternation of the truth” was “known” to me I was ineffective at convincing others of it.  My mother instantly knew because it was revealed by my shifty eyes and guilty look. Soon I learned to attempt to keep secrets from myself which then allowed me to tell her “the truth” which, of course, was not the truth.


I have since learned that lying to ourselves is a common trait of us humans. The good news is that we want to the person who others and perhaps the God of our understanding will respect and love.  Thus, the Nazi’s had a licensed doctor (obviously not a physician/healer) sign the death certificates of all who were murdered in the gas chambers.  The doctor who agreed to do this told themselves that one had to look at the state as one looked at individual humans. Sometimes with individual humans one has to amputate a limb to save the life of the person.  Sometimes, one has to “amputate” certain individuals in order for the state to live (J. Lipton, The Nazi Doctors).  I am fascinated by the need of us humans to convince ourselves and/or others that one is a good/moral/ethical person and thus can be understood and respected by others. 


The motivation for many of the lies we tell ourselves and which become the truths we tell others is because we may believe that it is they only way we can have or retain the love and respect of others or is the only way to gain what we “need” to prove our worth.  This is different that the intentional lie we tell others to avoid their displeasure.  We teach children from an early age to tell intentional lies.  As parents we often ask the “why” question knowing full well the answer.  For example, a parent might ask as child, “Why did you eat a candy bar when you knew it was dinner time?”  The child might  lie and say, “I forgot.”   The child knows that if they tell the truth they will get in trouble.  The truth might be, “I rather have candy than supper.”  Why questions frequently are intended to elicit a lie but then we punish the child for lying.


Any action, feeling or behavior which does not align with the story we want to believe about ourselves and which we may not want others to know, can be a “reason” for lying to ourselves. The motivation for doing so is very understandable.  The sad results are, of course, two fold:


·       We do not get to know and love ourselves for who we are.


·       Others do not have the opportunity to get to know and love us for the humans that we are; humans with a variety of thoughts, actions and feelings; humans who are always in the process of becoming.


Honestly with self is on ongoing journey for all of us. Just for today I will remind myself that it is safe to be me with all my human thoughts, feelings and emotions. Just for today I will peel back another layer of self-deception.


Written June 24, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org

​Mastering anxiety
 
Many individuals have internalized the belief that one should be in control of persons, information, situations, or objects.  The truth, of course, is they are not in control.  Yet, the belief persists resulting in a feeling of frustration and anxiety or even panic when one is forced to face not being in control.
 
Some may have grown up in a home or a community situation which was not predictable or safe. They learned to be constantly on high alert since one never knew when emotional and/or physical danger might be present.  They may have decided that it was better to be on high alert than to be relaxed and caught off guard.  This can be true for those who have or are living with an active addict, a mentally ill person, someone with post-traumatic stress syndrome or for those who have lived in a community which not safe because of war, systemic racism, sexism, homophobia, religious intolerance or other forms of oppression. 
 
If one lived for any period of time in any of those conditions one may find one continues to experience chronic anxiety or have panic attacks any time it feels as if one is not in control or does not have a way of making sure that the situation or people are predictable and safe.  One may self-define a safe zone which is limited to a room, a house, a community or some other defined area.   One may decide that going outside that safe area provokes extreme anxiety/panic and require one have a weapon of some sorts.   
 
Obviously, this is an unhealthy and stressful way to live.  Not only will the individual be anxious but may infect others in the home or community with the generalized fear/anxiety. They may  become fearful of what the anxious person might do if something or someone might trigger an extreme defensive action.
 
Many folks have become dependent on anti-anxiety medications which may have to be periodically increased resulting in some negative side effects including increased anxiety requiring even more medication.
 
Some individuals may be born with a low tolerance for processing incoming stimuli.  Even they can be trained to more effectively filter or block out much of the noise which most of us naturally ignore.   Most with chronic anxiety and/or panic attacks can learn to safely just notice anxiety and let it pass. Even if one has been chronically anxious for many years one can learn that it is safe to relax most of the time.  The advice one needs to give oneself are simple:
 
·       Remember one has effectively dealt with life on life terms for many years.  There is scientific evidence that one can quickly and effectively respond to any new situation.   My experience is that when something or someone is important and there no time to think, 99% of us handle what comes our way.
 
·       Remembering that one is not one’s anxiety, panic or fear.  One has a relationship with it.  One can remind oneself one is stronger than fear, anxiety or panic.  It may not feel this way but this is the truth.
 
·       Practicing nostril and deep breathing,  I highly recommend the book.   Breath: The Lost Art and Science of Our Most Essential Function by James Nestor.   Many of us forget to breathe when we get anxious or fearful.  We unconsciously hold our breath.  We also learn to breathe through our mouth.  Mr. Nestor details the benefits of breathing in and out through our nostrils.
 
·       Daily set new goals broken into small achievable steps.  Each step is designed to go slightly past one’s comfort zone.  It does not matter how small the step. Progress is consistently moving forward.  The most common mistake is to get impatient or busy and quit setting and achieving new goals.   Changing one’s relationship with anxiety is no different than changing one’s relationship with any other habit such as nicotine or unhealthy nutrition.   Intermittent reinforcement or feeding the old habit intermittently ensures the behavior will eventually always “win”. Allowing that to happen cannot be an option. 
 
·       Practicing holistic health habits is imperative.    It takes energy to make changes.  Attempting to changes on empty gas tanks will never work.   Healthy nutrition, exercise, emotional support and spiritual support are all ways of filling one’s gas tanks.  If one has medical conditions they also need treated.   In fact, I always recommend starting, if possible, with a compile physical exam, checking for thyroid function and base health indicators which can affect one’s energy level. 
 
·       If affordable and available, use of a coach or therapist can be helpful in keeping one moving forward.  Some therapist my use techniques such as EMDR.  In most geographical area there are competent coaches/therapists who will negotiate an affordable fee if one does not have insurance coverage or cash to cover the cost. 
 
·       Ensuring one is living in a safe home even if that has to be a temporary shelter for abused people.
 
            Giving up is not an option.  Step by step change is deserved and is possible
 
Written June 22, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

Sunday Musings - June 20, 2021


Today in the United States it is the day set aside to honor the important role of fathers. It is also the birthday of my sister, Bonnie.  In our family, as is true in many families, there were multiple pairs. The first pair was Bonnie and I; then Ed and Pat, and finally the surprise arrival of Tamara.  I love all my sibling.  Bonnie is closest to being my twin although she might take umbrage with that characterization.  In many ways our lives have traveled different paths and, yet, “the better angels of our nature”  - our core values - guide many of our actions.  I like to think that the better angels of our nature includes Grandma Fannie whose loving wisdom is often the subject of my writing.


All my siblings and I share the same biological father whose first and middle name I carry in  reverse order.  He was Floyd Jim and I am Jimmy Floyd.   Our brother Ed and perhaps our sister Tamara most closely carry in their DNA the better angels of his nature; especially his creative talent.  Ed is an amazing artist of sculptures and all manner of creations which feed the soul; designer and all-around creative man. Tamara is also a creator although many of her creations are magical rebirths.  She bears witness to the “bailing wire” magic of our farm background.  (For those readers not raised on the farm bailing wire was the duct tape of yore!)


As I think about our father and his descendants, I am acutely aware of all the men who have been my mentors.  I have been blessed with many teachers, some of whom were identified as female and some as male.  I seem to write more those who materialized as females in this incarnation, but many males have also had a profound impact on how I live this journey. 


I am reminded that it takes a village to bring out the better angels of our nature.  The myth in the United States is this can be accomplished in the context of our often isolated nuclear families.  Fortunately, some of us are surrounded by a village.  My friends Lisa and Barry bear witness to this reality as they regularly gather as a large extended family.  Grandma Fannie, Grandpa Ed, Uncle Harold, Aunt Pleasie and, to a lesser extent, the seemingly multitudes who often gathered at Grandma Fannie’s were members of my village.  Later, Sid, David and others joined the village.  David who is frequently present in my head reminds me that I cannot possibly know anything.  This is imparted as a simple truth, not as criticism.


I also have a son, Jamie, who chooses to find what he needs from mentors such as his partner Karen and others, especially those who impart their wisdom in books. I know he also carries all his ancestors with him. I carry the image of fatherhood in my mind to which Barry, Wendell and others I admire bear witness to. That image does not describe my relationship to Jamie.  I am well aware of the painful journey he has traveled and the fact that I have had a role in creating that pain.  I am not aware of why we have been unable to talk about and somehow incorporate that pain into a close relationship.   At times it felt as if we have delighted in each other. At other times, he has clearly let me know that his only need from me was financial support.  


I was thinking about this as I listened to a recent episode of the podcast Hidden Brain with host Shankar Vedanta and his conversational guest psychologist Charlotte Witvliet.  Their conversation was focused on the subject of forgiveness; the potential benefits to the person who hurt and the person who has been hurt.  My first thought was, “What can I do to convince my son Jamie that I am sorry for my sins of commission and omission as a father?”   My second thought was, “What do I need to do to forgive and accept Jamie’s decision of the past year to “end all contact with me.”   Once again, I am reminded that while I must be accountable for my sins of commission and omission no amount of praise, financial help, or number of visits has ever permanently repaired that relationship.   From the day his mother and I found out he was to join us on this life journey it was made clear to me that my attempt to be the father I envisioned was not to be.   Loving him unconditionally requires that I accept that reality while remaining available; trusting that as I parent/mentor other young men and women, he can find what he needs from others in his village.   


It is easy for me to fall into the trap of focusing on the actions of others rather than keeping the focus on my actions.   I have the power to accept my own humanness and that of others.  I have the power of keeping the focus on my actions and practicing what I want others to practice toward me. I was in my mid-twenties before, at least on a cognitive level, I realized these truths. These many decades later I am still kicking and screaming my way to acceptance of them.


Happy Father’s Day to all male and female village members who love and guide our children, especially we often rather emotionally challenged males.  Many thanks to all who love, mentor and guide my son.


Written June 20, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Addicts as prophets
 
Recently I attended a very well organized and presented conference for professionals working with those who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs.  There was recognition that one might also be addicted to food, sex, or even people, places and things but very little was mentioned about the extent to which addiction is the baseline for how we in the United States and those in  many other countries function.   While it is true addiction to alcohol and other drugs is more immediately dangerous and even life threatening, addiction to food, sex, power, money, position/status, possessions or an unhealthy relationship also results in physical, emotional and spiritual death.  All addictions begin with and result in an inability or, at best, a difficulty in experiencing a shared reality.  
 
Research studies of recovery programs confirm that the 12 step programs and others that rely on individuals forming and working together as a community are the most successful.  Consistently, individuals report that when they become part of a recovery group program it is the first time they have felt at home; as if they belonged.   Most report that regardless of relative success academically, in sports programs or as professionals they felt different and not like other people.  Although those in recovery program may get a lot of praise or affirmation for “becoming a productive member of society” their beginning sense of self-worth emunates from being treated with love and respect by others in group recovery programs.  They may later report gratitude for being accepted by biological families and employers.  Certainly, they also report relief and satisfaction with being able to have a home with all the amenities, transportation and a stable, loving relationship.  They may even express pride in being a productive member of society.  Yet, many eventually realize that the society of which they are now invited to join requires an attachment to power, money, things, sex or other people.   Attachment may be a term one is used to thinking of as a spiritual or psychological term. Attachment implies one needs x in order to function; to be a success or to experience happiness.  It is not surprising that those recovering from alcohol and other drug addiction often then fall into the trap of becoming attached or addicted to sex, relationships, money/gambling, possessions, food, the biggest house, body building or something else only to find that,  as was true with alcohol or other drugs, “one is too much and a thousand not enough”.  If lucky, they realize that they cannot fit in or belong  with that group of people who continue to search for/strive for “enough” outside of themselves; that the society as a whole is based on an addictive model.
 
What if part of the solution to reducing physical and spiritual deaths related to addiction is to get honest with ourselves and deal with our overt and covert support of such a culture?  What if those who fall into the prison of addiction to  substances, food,  and sex are, in fact the prophets who recognize that there is a systemic spiritual issue in our culture?  What if we are attempting to repair a hangnail when a heart transplant is needed? 
 
I am not suggesting that avoiding life by destroying oneself is a healthy way to refuse to participate in a culture which needs major surgery.  I am suggesting that if we want those who are addicted to life threatening substances such as alcohol and other drugs to recover we have to validate their prophecy and invite them to help create a culture which acknowledges the intrinsic worth of all; a culture based on sharing our time and talents to create a community dance which is inclusive and just.  I have no idea of what form such a culture will take but I believe there is enough creative talent to make manifest such a culture and community.
 
Written June 17, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

​Decision making models
Most of us have heard the term core values even if that is not the term we use for the criteria which we say we want to use to form the foundation of our decision making model. Sadly, many of us work for a person or an organization using a different set of core values thereby resulting in a conflict between two or more of our core values.   For example, a core value might be to “bring home my share of the. bacon” so that I and my family are housed, clothed and fed.  Another of my core values might be to do my best to attempt to treat others with love and respect.   If I determine that the person or organization for which I work is requiring me to sell a product to a customer which is not the best or right product for them there is a conflict between two of my core values.  I might then decide to respectfully let my boss know I cannot do what is being asked of me, the result of which might be to be fired. Before I talk to my boss I could request a family meeting and decide to abide by the decision of the majority of the family.   Making family decisions on all issues which affect the family might be another core value.
So far, I have mentioned three core values:
1.    Do my share in bringing home the bacon.2.    Treat all others with love and respect.3.    Make decisions as a family.
Some of my other core values might be:
4.    Take daily responsibility for my holistic health and support the health of my loved ones.5.    Be a responsible, considerate steward of the community.6.    Be a responsible, considerate steward of the environment.7.    Accept that honesty with self is a process but commit to do my best to make this a priority8.    Be humble and open to learning in all areas of life.                  9.    Do my best to be empathic and to not judge others.10. Avoid, whenever possible, labeling events or people - drop the dualities.11. Accept that, at times, I am going to be forced to choose between two core values.
If I am to attempt to use a decision-making model which includes these core values I am going to frequently be faced with 11. I am also going to have to respect that others are also faced with that issue.  For example, my commitment to respecting the environment may conflict with being empathic and not judging others.  Consider the coal miner who is asked to participate in mountain top strip mining.   He or she may live with their family in a community which has no other decent paying jobs.  Various other core commitments may prevent them from moving.  They might have children who are doing well in a local school system or who have a coach who is preparing them for the Olympics or to get a sports or academic scholarship to college.   What is the most moral or ethical decision? 
Daily, thoughtful, good people are faced with such moral or ethical conflicts.  If we view the results of their decisions from our safe distances, it may be easy to judge them. If we want the mountain top removal coal miner to make decisions based on core values with which we can live we need to do our part to create a community which has designed ways of taking care of ourselves, our family, the community and the environment. The coal miner has to have realistic, viable employment options. If we want the people to purchase only organic produce or meat from free-range animals it has to be affordable.   It is easy to be judgmental and self-righteous when one has the privilege of real choices.
I am fascinated and sad about the fact that many individuals, regardless of college degrees and other education, cannot begin to articulate their core values and, thus, the source of their dis ease. This has to be the starting point.  I think most of us know we are out of balance with each other and the earth, but many of us do not have a decision-making model which can clearly identify the issues.  Teaching decision making models based on core values needs to be the first step in our educational systems.  Learning skills which do not lead to being able to design a fulfilling life journey is not helpful or kind.   Studies reveal a majority of college students say they are attending college to make money with no ability to identify or articulate the kind of world they want to build and in which they want to live.  We have the power as the elders to help them envision and make manifest such a world. 
Written June 14, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
             

​Sunday musings - June 13, 2021
Pretty as pretty does


The President of the United States is currently embarked on a trip overseas with the primary mission of repairing what many world leaders perceive as broken relationships.  It could be an opportunity to begin to establish more honest, mutually respectful relationships.   It could be an opportunity to present the United States as a nation made up of humans with a history of teenage like arrogance; a history of suggesting that if all nations and people were as righteous as the United States all would be well on this planet.   True, the United States has, at times,  been a kind and helpful neighbor; sometimes because it was the right thing to do and often because the intent was to benefit the United States or to point out to other nation how bad they were and good we were.   We in the United States have contributed much to industrial operations, the arts and education.  Yet, if we are honest, we have achieved much of our success on the backs of indigenous people, imported slaves, and, immigrants who were fleeing injustice, poverty and oppression. As is true with others in the larger world we have created universities, libraries, museums, and symphonies with the money of people (mostly men) whose wealth was created in a system dependent on what is now euphemistically referred to as the one per cent.  It is true many people managed to craft what is termed a middle-class life; often while supporting a system which overtly and covertly supported racist and sexist policies.  This system has given many of us central heat, air conditioning, dishwashers, automatic washing machines, indoor plumbing, an extensive wardrobe, and access to some of the best stocked refrigerators in the world. Success has often been defined as more without acknowledging the cost to human relationships.


News coverage now broadcast our more complex history to all the world. Despite political rhetoric of “America First” or “Restore America” our nakedness is daily seen by the entire world.  We are simply one more nation of very flawed humans.   Many of us continue to attempt to hide that fact while others are sincerely ready to face the discomfort of working a 12-step recovery program as communities: to face that the emperor has no clothes


Grandma Fannie was fond of saying, “Pretty is as pretty does.”   While Grandma Fannie enjoyed getting “gussied up” in her Sunday going to church clothes as much as any other person all knew this was the same woman who wore homemade “house dresses” most of the time.  She was the woman who welcomed the stranger, fed the multitudes who showed up for  extended family gatherings, and poured coffee from the  seemingly self-replenishing coffee pot.  Grandma Fannie liked pretty things and kept them in the closed off formal living room when in their later years she and Grandpa Ed built a house which housed such a room. Yet she knew she was still just a hardworking, quilt making, egg collecting woman who canned the food with which she would feed the multitude.  


I am not suggesting that Grandma Fannie was challenging Jesus or The Buddha.  She was quite aware of her own shortcomings, but her resolve to live “pretty is as pretty does” was the center of her daily prayer.


I as an individual and we as a country could do no better than to take the next step in humility  andx clarity of purpose by joining others in a human experiment to be pretty as pretty does.


Thanks again Grandma Fannie for nudging us forward.


Written  June 13, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Homo bonding


Since it is pride month in much of the United States and some other countries it seems appropriate to think about the fear of homosexuality among many religions, cultures and individual men.  One might think because of the amazing advances in the legal acceptance of the LGBT+ community in many places the fear of perceived differences in oneself and others might be relegated to the history books.  Yet it seems, especially among we men, there continues to be significant fear of same sex relationship or any behavior which does not fit neatly into the roles which many cultures and religions assign to males and females.  As most of us know, the fear of same sex relationships always had to do with the fear of we men that we have no intrinsic worth; that our worth has to be measured in perceived power over rather than power with.  In order to feel as if we are worthwhile we males have to be more powerful than females and other males.  Historically we have measured power by the social constructs of  gender, money, tribe, race, goods, size, titles and a host of other superficial characteristics.  (It is also true that many women have been taught to complete with other women, but on the whole, women do much better with working with other women.)


Even those who profess a belief in a God which assumes an intrinsic human worth, as did Jesus, the concept of intrinsic worth remains elusive.  The belief in being the “man of the house” and having “wives submitting to husbands” can be heard in subtle and not so subtle ways throughout most cultures.


With relatively few exceptions, even the language we males use for our important friendships reflect the fear of not being enough.  We men “bond”.  Women nurture, take care of each other, play together, are affectionate with each other, cry and laugh with each other with little concern they are going to diminish their worth if their love for other women is obvious.  Friendship of women for other women is seldom suspect as sexual except by males. 
Women will just hang out together.  We males frequently need an activity to justify our spending time together.  Thus, we meet for golf, a drink, a men’s religious breakfast gathering, a volunteer activity, boating, skiing, poker, or some other activity.  Seldom will we hear a man say that he and his male friend are spending time together for emotional reasons.  In fact, we males may avoid situations which would naturally evoke a strong emotion such as gratitude, fear, love, or grief.


Often we men delegate the selection and purchasing of gifts, cards and other symbols of nurturing to the women in our lives. 


Gay or trans males do not have the option of delegating the nurturing tasks to women unless, of course, they are still living with a female friend or relative.  While it may be true that some gay relationships (as well as lesbian relationship) divide the relationship dynamics into traditional male and female tasks, for the most part, they recognize there are just tasks to be done.  (It must be admitted that there are gay males who choose a male partner who is much younger so they can continue to prove their worth by being the dominant partner. However not all gay relationships which have a significant difference in ages are chosen for that reason.)


Most of us are not particularly interested if a person is actually bisexual, transsexual or asexual but in the power dynamic between particular persons.  Most gay males are not intimidated by a female boss or a female who makes more money. Healthy males do not work out at the gym to prove their physical superiority to men or women.   We just want to be as healthy as possible. 


A friend of mine recently remarked that there seems to be a trend for GLBT+ pride events to become simply celebrations as if the fight for GLBT rights was just about being able to openly love each other. It is important to be able to openly love and care for each other.  Yet, homophobia has never been about how or who we love. It has been about how we prove our worth as men; about economic systems and how we care (or do not care) for each other; about how resources are shared; about how we interact with Mother Earth; about what gives us worth as humans living in harmony or disharmony with all other life.   My friend remarked that the danger is that we only celebrate and forget to march; that we act as if GLBT+ rights is about just loving each other rather than creating a more just and inclusive world; about repairing the fragile egos of us humans, especially we males.


Written June 11, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Sexual behavior and laws


All living creatures reproduce.  Many creatures reproduce without direct contact with each other or at least without a physical act having to take place.  Plants may have an intermediary such as the bee or a bird.  Many creatures enjoy intimate sexual connections without regard for reproduction or even gender.   Only humans seem to have a plethora of rules about sexual contact although, to be fair, some creatures are programmed to limit sexual contact. There are a few creatures which are programmed to die after sex and/or feeding their young. Some, such as the eel, have managed to keep their sex lives secret even from research scientists.  We humans are sexual from birth although puberty does not arrive until age 9 to 14. Our desire to physically connect and to experience a release is clearly not limited to the need for procreation.


Us humans seem both obsessed with and frightened of our sexual desires. There was a time in human history when many groups had a relaxed attitude towards sexual interaction while maintaining a deep respect the right to not be forced to have unwanted sexual connections or any physical contact and were committed to community responsibility for child rearing.    There were those who believed that males had a limited number of sperm and, thus, given the rate of deaths during childbirth, same sex behavior and masturbation was prohibited.  Once microscopes and other scientific instruments were invented the abundance of male sperm for most males was discovered.  Yet, the same lies about masturbation and same sex behavior was promoted; often by religious groups.   


Age of consent for sexual behavior has varied and continues to be different in various states of the United States and in various countries.   Some states have complicated rules proscribing when teenager can legally have sex with each other. 


Many factors affect what rules are in effect regarding sexual behavior.  These include:


·       Ability to give consent including age, mental/impaired state.         
·       Attitudes and beliefs of adults responsible for/guardians for those who are not of legal age to decide.
·       Personal belief systems and the extent to which politicians and religious leaders can impose their beliefs/fears on the community at large.
·       Power relationships and the beliefs about how long the dynamics of those power relationships last.  For example, some professional health care organizations and academic organization have a rule that a professional always has dominant power position even if 5, 20 or 50 years have passed.  Other specify a time period following the structured professional relationship.
·       Personal likes or dislikes of politicians and other community leaders. In most states of the United States sex for pay is illegal but in Nevada there are licensed sex workers,   In some states or communities sex clubs are quietly tolerated.
·       Views about where and when one can engage in sexual activity or view pornography.  In the United States one can be arrested and put on a sexual offenders lists for watching what is defined as child pornography.   This might include watching any pornography involving pre and post pubescent children.
·       Sexual contact which is physically forced or sex which is cohered in any manner - physical force, date rate pills, being drunk, or power inequity.
·       Sexual contact with an underage person who lied about their age.


           
A few facts:


·       Depending on what one reads, 90% or more of forced sexual  relationships are with a family member or other known person.
·       While it may be true that if there were no viewers there would be no child pornography the fact that it is such a huge financially successful business means that something is at the root of this attraction and/or definition of child pornography.  Us humans seems very fond of viewing symptoms and not looking for root causes.
·       The definition of child or consent varies from state to state and country to country.No one consciously or intentionally has a compulsive need to sexually be attracted to or use very young children and infants.  The primary diagnosis is mental illness and not criminal behavior.
·       Some cultures successfully honor the sexual nature of children and develop safe, proscribed rituals to honor those feelings.
·       The United States publicly uses reference to sex and sexual fantasies to sell food, autos and ,any other products in this culture.
·       We design, create and purchase clothes which deliberately sexualize young children and adults.
·       Sexual addiction is not primarily about sex although it affects people sexually. It is about addiction and needs to be treated as such.  Addiction to pornography and other sexual behavior can be successfully treated although we are in early stages of the treatment of all forms of addictive behavior.
·       With over a million people on the sexual offenders lists in the United States and billions more buying and watching all forms of pornography we need to identify what is truly harmful  as well as  the etiology of the widespread, worldwide attraction to what is broadly defined as child pornography.
·       Current sexual offender laws do not distinguish between behavior which is truly dangerous and that which one may dislike or disagree.An extremely large percentage of those on the sexual offenders list pose no danger to anyone in the community.
·       Treating people as pariahs/throwaways has not proven to decrease dysfunction or undesirable behavioral.


            The results of the few studies which have been conducted to evaluate the effectiveness of the sex offender laws and registry indicate that they do reduce recidivism rate or if they do it may be by a very small percentage.  It is difficult to evaluate the studies because I could not locate studies which whose algorithms differentiated type of offenses and other factors.


            As near as I can determine, the annual cost of maintaining a sexual offender registry (may only be a fraction of the total cost to locate, prosecute, punish, and monitor) has not been widely studied and/or published.  The figures I did find approximated at least a billion a year.


The obvious conclusion is the emotional, public safely, financial and moral cost of our current policies and practices regarding what is labeled and treated as illegal and/or immoral sexual behavior needs to be examined from the scientific perspective of what sexual behavior is harmful to individuals and the community at large. 


Written June 9, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org