As is my habit, when I arrive in the morning and after shaving and making coffee, I sat down at the computer this morning, read the daily thought for the day, and thought about my spiritual goal for the day.
Lately I have been feeling as if I am not very productive or doing much to contribute to the world. For most of my life work has occupied the biggest part of my day. I have, for many, years, also done a small amount of volunteer work on a regular basis. Additionally I have made time for friendships, done the normal daily and weekly chores and taken advantage of cultural opportunities such as symphony concerts, plays, museums, and just wandering through the shelves at the library.
Since arriving at my new home in Florida last August, I have been seeing only a few clients, doing some writing, visiting with friends and exploring the area. Relatively speaking, in many respects it feels as if I am a living a very unproductive, lazy, self-centered life. I have not yet started volunteering anywhere although I have explored some options. For a time I did work part-time for a treatment facility as an addiction counselor. Since I quit my part time job I am also writing a daily blog. I started periodically writing a blog last summer when I knew I would be moving an making the transition to part-time work.
I spend a lot of time communicating with friends and with current and past clients. Most of my friends confirms that I have a very slovenly life. Many have returned to school, are doing mission work in the US and in other countries, raising grandchildren or other children and/or continuing to work at very busy professional jobs. Their correspondence confirms my slovenly status.
The truth be told, I have always been a bit lazy. As a child growing up in a home without indoor plumbing, running water or electricity and very little money, there was a never-ending list of chores. Still, much to my mother’s chagrin I could often be found (or not found) hiding in a tree or, if wintertime, under the bed (we only had a three rooms, no basement and no attic house which limited hiding spaces) with a book. It did not matter what the book was. It might be a history book, a science book or some novel, which was or was not age appropriate. Anything which occupied my mind and took me to places other than home and a worn out, unhappy mother was okay. Often I was reading about the adventures or achievement of others. I was early on fascinated by the seeming enormous accomplishments of such people as Thomas Jefferson, Huckleberry Finn, Florence Nightingale, Ben Franklin. I was also fascinated by President, Franklin Roosevelt who could run a nation from a wheelchair. I must admit that I was not as appreciative or understanding of my mother’s story as I might have been. She, a city woman, ran a household with none of the “modern” conveniences and little money while taking care of 5 children. This could not have been easy. She was not born into the manor as they say as a pioneering, farmwoman. Still, she managed. I did hear stories of the accomplishment of many of the women on both side of the family tree. Those stories seems to stand out more than the stories of the men in the family although, looking back many, including my father, were very talented, accomplished people in their own right.
Our spiritual education seemed to consist of learning not to sin or not to be bad. What I learned, however, was not to get caught sinning or being bad although I must admit I failed miserably at that goal since I seemed to get “caught” sinning or being bad on an hourly basis! I do recall wanting to be a good person and wanting to please my parents and, of course, not wanting God to be angry with me.
By the time I was a teenager I had been baptized and joined a Southern Baptist Church where I learned to be cognizant of even more possibilities of sin. We also learned to do mission work to bring the heathen to Christ and teach them about the many possible ways to sin or to make God angry.
Unbeknown to me, I was always practicing one half of the spiritual goal of staying present. I was very present to my sinful thoughts and desires and my fear of being found out. Of course, even I knew I was not hiding anything from God who was wasting a lot of His valuable time planning my punishment. God must have known that He did not really need to do this since I was already occupied in feeling guilty and fearful about my many sins.
Surely, with so many sins on my record I needed to think of doing something amazing to make up for all the wrongs I had done. I knew God was going to require me to do something outstanding such as bringing about world peace. This, in the age of “cowboys and Indians” surely meant a plan such as using the atomic bomb to kill all the sinful, bad people leaving only the good people which, of course, would result in peace. Simple plan. Right?
Many of us have been raised with such lofty expectations. Although the set design and the “furniture” have changed, the play remains the same. We are to be perfect, highly accomplished professionals or skilled workers, amazing parents, involved community members and, at the same time, maintain our perfectly manicured lawns which surround our perfect house, freshly painted inside and which is a spotless, well appointment home to the happy family. This happy family sits down relaxed every evening around a formal dinner table eating a nutritious, politically correct, organic meal while discussing their part in making a world a better place.
It is it any wonder that most of us feel inadequate. Many of my friends seem to accomplish all or nearly all of the above! They are always doing good deeds for individuals and the community. They seem to have learned how to set and achieve the spiritual goals I only dream about and at which I fail miserably.
Just this morning I had an email from a young man who wanted to know what I thought we needed to do to help create a world in which we quit using religious differences as a rationale for hurting each other. I responded that I think that in order to be able to truly learn to love others we need to practice loving ourselves as the very imperfect human being that we are.
One of my spiritual teachers, Pema Chodron, often reminds her students, including me, that we need to keep our spiritual goals simple and easily attainable. She says that a perfectly acceptable goal might be just to make and enjoy a good cup of coffee. Her point is that we need to be very intentional about setting very achievable goals as we move inch by inch in this journey of spiritual growth.
Thus, I am aware that I am not going to set myself up to fail by making world peace my spiritual goal for today! For today I am not going to volunteer at the homeless shelter although I may at some future point. I am also no going to teach at a local jail or prison or apply to be a foster parent to troubled teens. Obviously, all of those would be laudable goals. Still, I would be doing these tasks for, at best, mixed motives. I might do them partly because it is just a good thing to do. I would also, however, be doing them in hopes of erasing some of my sins points, which are recorded in “The Book”.
It is my understanding that I do not need to do “world peace” to earn my place at the table. It is from knowing that I deserve a place at the table that I can invite other to join me as equals. Otherwise I am just acting in a very patronizing manner, which is not going to feel good to anyone and is certainly not going to impress anyone, least of all those I am inviting.
In the New Testament the story of the Prodigal Son has been the basis for many lessons on the unconditional love of God. The wayward, sinful son asks to come home as his father’s servant and the father hosts a huge celebration. The father does not tell the son to atone for his sins, as the brother thinks is appropriate. The father does not scold the son. The father simply says, “Welcome home to my son who was lost and now is found.”
My spiritual goal for today is to accept the “welcome home” and to be present to the opportunity to assume my place at the table and then extend the same invitation to all with whom I come into contact. This does not mean that I will literally invite folks to my home for a feast tonight. It means that when I see the person on the street or the library clerk or the store clerk, I will look them in the eye with love as an equal. I will not rush into the store and impatiently stomp my foot while waiting in line eager to get on with my busy, important life. I will be intentional about slowing down, breathing and greeting the clerk as my brother or sister and incidentally make my purchase. Doing that throughout my day may or may not leave time for “volunteer work” done to prove my worth.
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