During my brief visit to Wheeling and Pittsburgh this week I was able to attend the funeral of Rod Monroe.  We had known each other for many years and had formed a relationship, which was close enough to know we loved each other and close enough to aggravate each other at times. Actually, I was more likely to be one who aggravated Rather than vice versa. 

Having now lived 75 years and having lived through such historic times as WWII, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, the Iraq and Afghanistan war, the devastation of AIDS “ and normal” deaths such as Rod’s, I am used to saying goodbye and dealing with the reality of the fact that no matter how many human years we live it is only a blip on the calendar.

Knowing and accepting this does not mean that I am unemotional when a friend dies or immune to the “feelings” that what we consider old age should be the natural end of life.  It does mean that I know that each death is a reminder to not waste a moment with anger, resentments, or other negative feelings. 

Rod, as are all of us, was an easy man to love as long as he showed up.  Sometimes, the “disease” of looking to something outside of himself to fill that inner void stole moments just as it does with all of us.  Of course, in order for me to experience Rod’s love I also had to show up emotionally and spiritually.

The last several months (I have no idea of how long) I texted Rod every day. Often he would return the text. Sometimes he was the first to text.  At the funeral one of the Vineyard ministers said that Rod talked about being healthier the last six months of his life than he had ever been. I think what Rod meant by that statement was that he found it easier to stay clear about what was important and what not important.  While it was important that he had followed his dream of owning and raising Greyhound racing dogs, the fact that he was financially more successful than some and had, thus, managed to buy some stuff, did not tell us anything important about him and his life – the dot between the years he lived on this earth.

We possibly could say that Rod experienced a lot of healing during the last months on his life despite being very sick with the cancer and the cancer treatment.  I suspect that sometimes we humans confuse healing with being cured.   Although at times we can speak of a cure in the sense that there is no longer any evidence of a certain disease in our body, we may still be emotionally and spiritually miserable. Thus, we might say that we have not healed. We may now just be miserable with less physical pain.

It would seem that Rod took an accelerated course in healing the past six months or so of his life. This does not mean he never stumbled. He was, after all, still very human.

At the funeral, all who spoke reminded us to learn from Rod’s example and do our best to show up and love just for today.

So today, hats off to Rod and the circle of love, which he helped to form.

Thanks Rod.

The other day, while continuing to read and think about what Father Gregory Boyle has asserted in his book, Tattoos on the Heart –The Power of  Boundless Compassion, two statements he made stuck with me for days.  One was a statement in response to the man who came by the church he had attended as a child. This man noticed that the church is now surrounded by gang members, homeless men and women, people on their way to a 12 step meeting and ESL classes, drug addicts, and the undocumented among others. The man says ,“This used to be a church.”  Father Gregory replies, “You know, most people around here think it’s finally a church.” (page 73).

Later he says, “Compassion isn’t just about feeling the pain of others; it’s about bringing them in toward yourself. If we love what God loves, then, in compassion, margins gets erased.  “Be Compassionate as God is compassionate,” means the dismantling of barriers that exclude.”(p74).   On page 74 he asserts, “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded.  It is a covenant between equals.”

As I go about my daily life , reading or hearing the news of how often we humans do something really kind and how often we find reasons to hurt each other, accuse and punish each other, I am particularly aware of my personal relationship with those people  with whom I have a coaching relationships or a relationship which begins with my agreement to counsel or coach them as they explore a healing/recovery from active addiction.  I am also aware of both my history in my role as a father to a young child and now to an adult man who is 44 years old.

I like the concept of covenant which Father Gregory uses to describe the mentor/counseling relationship – a covenant between equals.  Anyone who regularly reads my blog will know the next thing I did.  I googled the word convenant.   Not surprising there are many hits but most say basically the same thing. It is an agreement or contract.  Synonyms  mentioned include:  Contract, agreement, undertaking, commitment, pledge, promise, bond, warrant.

What is this agreement between equals?  From my view point it is a commitment to:

·      Keep the needs of both parties sacred.  This mean my needs are never more important than that of the other.  It also means that the needs of the other is never more important than mine. 

·      It means that if I am to honor the other as equal I cannot take advantage of their vulnerability  or pretend that I am helping when I am just satisfying my need to feel powerful, or my need to have them like me or know how wonderful I am!

·      It means that I agree to listen to my equal – to take what they are saying seriously without getting sucked into the drama  they might be experiencing.

·      It means that I will not invite them to my sense of drama.

·      It means I will not ask them or recommend  that they do anything I am not willing to do. 

·      It means that as equals we are both vulnerable to making a mistake and, if we do, to be honest about that mistake and not blame the other.

I was thinking of this as I read stories of heroism and of heartache this morning; of a man jumping onto subway tracks to help another man who fell; of people bombing others; of a man murdering family members, of a physician who works hard to promote healthy play grounds for children; of a 34 year old ex-police person sentenced to six years in prison for having sex with a 17 year old.

I want the example of this ex-police officer as a way of exploring the application of the concept of compassion.  The brief article did not contain any information about how they met.  It did say that on at least 8 occasions they had sex in his home, her home or in his car.  The mother overheard a conversation and reported him.

In Florida the law says that the age of consent is 18 except a 16 or 17 year old may consent to have sex with someone who is up to age 24.  Furthermore, in Florida, there is a law nicknamed the “Romeo and Juliet” law which states that a person who was no older than 18 and sex with someone no more than 4 years difference may petition the court to have their name removed from the sexual offenders list.

The age of consent varies from state to state and country to country.  In some countries the age of full consent is as young as 12 years of age. In some places it is as old as 21.

This means that in Florida and many other states and countries a person might be old enough to go to war (younger than 18 usually requires parent(s) giving written permission),but is not old enough to agree to a sexual relationship, to vote or to purchase alcohol.   This makes no sense to me.  Can one take advantage of someone who is 17 or younger or older?   Certainly.  If one ask a person who is 17 whether he/she was forced by an authority figure, might they lie.

It is much simpler to enact laws which considers arbitrary ages and conditions, i. e. below college level teacher and student.   It is easier to  decide if the covenant was broken if we have a list of very ckear rules. Thus we have rules, ethic agreements, and other standards which determine when and if the conditions of a covenant have been terminated.   Or do we?  What we actually have are rules, contracts or laws which assume that there was a relationship beteen a “relationship between the wounded and the healer “ or between the teacher and the student. 

As soon as we define a person by the role or label we have excluded the possibility of compassion as Father Boyle and others have defined it.    If, however, we ask whether a convent between equals has been violated then the question of possible abuse of the relationship becomes more complicated.   We would then have to ask if the principles I earlier proposed had been violated and, if so, what can be done to repair the convent, to show compassion and to facilitate the healing of one or more persons.

There are, of course, those individuals (and organizations) who are  emotionally existing at the bottom of the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs that  are unable to consider the needs of others.  If Maslow is accurate they are not able which is much different than saying not willing.  There are those people whose physical brain is unable to consider the needs of others.  We have to then ask for both of these groups of people what it means to be compassionate.  Obviously, we considering the concept of equal we cannot assume equal ability.  Equal sacredness is not the same as equal ability.

I have often worked in prisons and am currently corresponding with several men in prison.  They are all good men deserving of my  compassion.  If I were to enter into a covenant with the ex-policeman now serving six years in prison, what would a covenant between equals looks like, smell like, sound like? 

As with most questions or issues when it comes to living by Father Boyle’s definition of compassion, there are not clear, easy rules.  In fact the questions often leads to a very messy, confusing situation. 

For the Chirstian, the Buddhist or a person who lives under the umbrella of any religion it would  be much easier to be able to label the good people and the bad people. The man who said to Father Boyle, “This used to be a church.” is advocating compassion of labels.  Father Boyle is advocating that we enter the messy, confusing,  risky world of equals; that we live compassion.    This is a very challenging invitation.  Each of us in her personal and “professional” life must consider  which road we will take.