甘え
I found a reference to the Japanese term Amae on page 90 of Father Gregory Boyle’s book, Tattoos on the Heart – The Power of Endless Compassion. He says, “The Japanese speak of a concept called amae, living in a deep sense of being cherished, of raising kids lovingly.” Andrew Hammond in thinkjapanblog.com states that amae “means to depend on anothers kindness….Japanese pride themselves on being dependent. . .This is why many Japanese people come across as energetic and grateful, because they strongly appreciate when something is done for them, and they often feel giri, or obligation to return the kindness. This obligation is often the beginning of a relationship… Amae is instinctive to Japanese, and it is key to keeping a strong, communal relationship in Japan, and maintaining the Japanese sense of respect, humility, and spirit.”
Father Gregory seems to maintain that when you do something for someone you are communicating to him or her that they are important; that they are cherished. That would seem to be consistent with his overall theology.
I read many other interpretations of the concept of Amae. It was interesting to me that so often the term dependent was used to describe the resulting relationship. This was frequently made to sound negative. I would use the term interdependent. If I am obligated to do something for you because you depend on that for survival and, in turn, the other person(s) are obliged to both return the kindness and to initiate it with others then the result is an interdependence, which forms a system in which, of course, one would feel cherished.
I want to briefly discuss this concept without explaining the glaring examples of the Japanese not practicing amae towards each other or others outside of their country/culture. I am not going to deal with the aspect of the Japanese culture, which has been very violent and has not always been free of sexism or other behavior which has not left everyone feeling cherished. Certainly, we humans can also cite examples of the disparity between what we say we believe and our behavior on a daily basis. For those of us who comes from a Christian or a Buddhist tradition, we are very aware of our shortcomings, of our failure to live up to our stated beliefs about how we should treat all other people.
In my experience I need a goal to which to aspire. If I aspire to practice amae, I will daily look for ways to reach out to do something helpful or kind without any expectation of that person giving back to me. (What some entitle random acts of kindness). I may, however, have a hope that the other person will, as they say, “play it forward”. In fact my reading of the results of research on individual and group behavior is that, indeed, if we are treated with kindness we are more likely to treat others with kindness.
The work and life of Father Boyle is predicated on the belief that we are essentially good. Father Boyle, ask Miguel, “How do you do it? I mean, given all that you’ve been through-all the pain and stuff you’ve suffered-how are you like the way you are?” Miguel replies, “You know I always suspected that there was some goodness in me, but I just couldn’t find it. Until one day, “he quiets a bit-“one day, I discovered it here, in my heart. I found it…goodness. And ever since that day, I have known who I was.”
I am goodness. You are goodness. This is at the heart of the work that Father Boyle has done with the LA gang members who have often led a life of crime, violence and abuse of others in every way imaginable. His assumption, much like the assumption of Mother Theresa, is that in all of us there is some goodness. If we practice amae there is a possibility of that goodness being released from the internal safe in which it has been locked because of fear and grief.
I spent time with my friends Dana and Jennifer and their two children last evening. I have known these children since they were born. They have been cherished from day one. They are goodness personified. Being cherished also allows them to pass through the normal developmental states. Young Dana is a very precocious 11. He is exploring his dance and his voice. At 11 one does not always act with kindness or appreciation. His parents will lovingly guide him through this developmental stage as they will his sister Cecelia They may get stern, frustrated, exhausted and emit significant sighs at times (they are human), but the kids know that they are cherished. I also know that I and other “family members” adore and cherish them. There is nothing they could do which would cause them to not be cherished. They could and probably do exasperate their parents. Thank goodness there is two parents so that can trade off parenting just as one of them is about to lose it.
Sadly this is not the experience of many, many people. This is not how we treat each other when one of us makes a mistake. If we break one of the millions of local, state or federal laws normally we will be punished when caught. Time after time I have sat in a courtroom and listened to a judge tell a person- often a young person – how worthless they are; what an irredeemable bad person they are. To be sure I have also witnessed wonderful exceptions when the judge says to a young person, “ I know you are a good person. I know you need help and not punishment.” That is not our normal modus operando.
We are a nation which historically has prided itself on our ability to delude ourselves into thinking that we are independent and do not need other people or nations. We can do it. It is difficult to reach out for help; to acknowledge that we need another. We would often rather pay for temporary comfort of a massage, sexual pleasure, or a maid so that the contract is clear and once we have paid our money we owe the other person/functionary nothing.
I was certainly one of those who grew up believing that I could only depend on myself and could only blame myself if I did not do well. I started recording and filing my “sins” at a very early age. I was not going to need anyone or anything. Yet, later when I looked back I could see that many who provided me with a lot of help cherished me. It might have been my favorite aunt and uncle, an older woman friend who would always find/make time to listen, a teacher who always said loving, encouraging things to me or a host of others. They gave without me asking. This was juxtaposed against the behavior of those, including the minister, who told me how bad or sinful I was. Although I was not homeless and I did not have to resort to stealing or violently proving myself, I, as did Miguel, have to discover the goodness within me. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the work of the Father Boyles and Mother Theresa’s of this world unlocked the door behind which lives that truth; the truth and wisdom of amae.
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