"​Sunday Musings, June 30, 2019 - "Allah carte"
 
Recently I was listening to Fresh Air host, Terry Gross, interview the comedian ‘Ramy’ Youssef.   As  a young Muslim he must decide whether he will  allow his Muslim elders to dictate the rules which they believe God requires Muslims to follow or whether he will make decisions based on what makes sense to him.  He humorously called the decision to choose  and follow those which make sense to him “Allah care”.    Today, as I was driving from Canton, Texas to Dallas, Texas I was listening to an episode  of Hidden brain on which host Shankar Vedantam talks with Psychologist Hal  Herzog about the question of why we eat some animals and have others as pets.   Dr. Herzog discussed the fact that our decisions often elude scientific examination.   For example, the life of the chicken which will end up  as a meal is most often filled with physical and, we must assume, emotional pain while the life the animal used for cock fighting which has been outlawed in the United States and elsewhere is often qualitatively much better.   The cock rooster is often treated with great love and respect even though it is also trained to fight.    Dr. Herzog offers many more examples of the contradiction in our ethical decisions which we will often defend even knowing, at some level, that our defense cannot pass the simplest scientific test.
 
If we make decision based on what makes scientific sense we are often ridiculed and labeled as sinful, immoral or unethical. If we are choosing to not follow a religious rule which does not make sense someone may quickly remind on that the God of their understanding is not going to be pleased and many even punish one for all of eternity.   For example, “Ramy” Youssef chooses to not drink alcohol but does choose to have responsible/protected sexual  relationships outside of marriage.    
 
I am well aware that I pick and choose the religious or ethical rules which either make scientific sense to me or which I justify because I am no yet ready to give up a practice I enjoy.   I do, for example, choose to eat chicken, pork, beef and fish even though I am fully aware that I may be participating in or supportive industries  which  mistreat those animals   Although if given the choice I will choose free range chicken over industry chickens and other meat products from a local farmer,  I also know that I  make compromises when the choice is not affordable or easily available.   I am also aware that I choose to be a pacifist while honoring the decisions of veterans and, as a veteran, taking advantage of the medical services of the Veterans Administration. 
 
I suspect most of us are A la carte shoppers which it comes to our ethics.  Sometimes our choices are carefully thought out based on our understanding of what makes the most sense given what we now know.   Often our choices are based on what is most comfortable for us or perhaps the least offensive.    I choose to use Apple products.  In fact, I have probably been heard to say “I love my Apple products.”  Yet, I have also been heard to say that “I attempt to buy products from  companies whose ethical treatment of employees is good as far as I can determine.”   Truth be told I know that Apple has not always put the needs of workers first.  I am currently not sure how much they are policing contractors and sub-contractor’s employee policies and practices.
 
There was a time when many of us believed that we could “know” what companies were treating employees with respect, but we soon found out that if we were going to live on the grid we were deluding ourselves.
 
Living off the grid is not an option I am pretending to choose today.  Although, in the past, I lived in intentional communities where it was easier to make some decisions about how much to participate in the larger economic and social community, even then we were making choices about medical care for our children or the use of other services based on our immediate comfort and convenience.
 
Once again, I am reminded that spiritual growth is a process and not a destination.  I am also reminded that I need people in my life who challenge the ethics or morality of my decisions based on my professed beliefs or intentions.    I am well aware that I have  no answers but do have some goals of humility and honesty.   I would like to find ways to live  more harmoniously with other people and mother.  I would also like to be less judgmental of the choice’s others are making.   As Robert Frost would say, “I have miles to go before I sleep.”
 
Written June 30, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
Coachpickett.org

​Being present with love in the age of intense divisions
 
I was recently reminded of the story of  an epiphany of Thomas Merton.  He is reported by his biographer William Shannon ad others to have said, “In Louisville, at the corner of Fourth and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district,  I was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all those people, that they were mine and I theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers.  It was like waking from a dream of separateness, of spurious self-isolation in a special world, the world of renunciation and supposed holiness…The sense of liberation from an illusory difference was such a relief and such a joy to me that I almost laughed out loud…There is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun.”  (spiritualtravels.com).
 
Thomas Merton has long been one of my spiritual mentors.  The wisdom of his words has long challenged me.  I have felt particularly in need of that challenge in an age of acute political divisions which strain cherished friendships.  At times the strain threatens to create open wounds which mimic diabetic physical wounds which will not heal.
 
The fact that I choose to share opinions – often strongly held opinions – in a blog which is published on my web page, personal and business Facebook pages and often  passed along in written form to those for whom I work  leaves me open to the critique of those who are convinced that “my truth” is uneducated, uninformed and worthy of being dismissed as “horseshit”.   My intention is to listen to these critiques with an open heart and mind and, yet, I find myself “hearing” a presentation of what is considered “the truth”.   Obviously, it is entirely possible that my way of viewing the world and corresponding  opinions about who we are as humans and what it means to take care of each other ignores some essential universal truths which my small mind cannot contemplate.  Yet, I cannot agree to what does not make sense to me.   As does Merton, it seems to me that when we function as strangers; as if we can act in a way which does not affect the universe(s); as if we can dismiss some as evil or undeserving of love; as if we can safely ignore the needs of all that comprises the universe (s) we are acting against the our essence.  Still,  I cannot dismiss the very divergent opinion of others without being correctly accused of being arrogant and self ri1ghteous.  
 
The challenge is how do I recognize and honor that all others “are mine and I theirs” while not accepting “truths” which I am currently incapable of understanding.    I “hear” many of those who are anti-immigrant, who think that some people are “just evil”, who believe that it is okay to bully and threaten other individuals and countries; those who honesty believe that no form of sharing resources more equally is workable; of those who believe that one race is superior; as those who  can easily decide my opinions are dangerous and need to be silenced. I am “called” or “challenged by Merton to take the teaching of Jesus and others to love one’s enemy seriously.  I am challenged to keep an open mind, to do all I can to engage others as the level of the heart, to not back off from those “who are mine and I theirs”.    This is my understanding of the central teachings of the Buddha, Jesus and other spiritual teachers.  Of course, perhaps I am blinded by own narrow history.  Perhaps, like Merton, I will  be walking the streets of Louisville, Pittsburgh, Tampa, or Dallas and have an epiphany which changes my sight and my hearing.     Until then I will risk being naked with my thoughts and willingly open myself to the opinions of those who see and hear different truths while holding close to a believe that we belong to each other.
 
Written June 29, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Gathering
 
There is an old Christian hymn written by Robert Lowry in 1864 and which is included in many Christian hymnals.   The song, “Shall we gather at the river?”  goes on to suggest: “Where bright angel feet have trod, with the crystal tide forever flowing by the throne of God?”
 
It is not surprising that humans have often posited the idea of angels and eternal life; of eternally gathering with loved ones.  Social scientists tell us that humans have always been social animals and do better when they gather to work and play together.  Especially as we age we have to face the fact that our time of gathering is very limited.   Today I am gathering with my brother.  his wife, two of our sisters and my brother’s step daughter.   One person who would normally be gathering with us is my brother-in-law, Carl, who died nearly a year ago.  Of course, there are many other living and deceased family members who are gathering with us.  We bring our history with us to the gathering just as we bring all our ancestors from the beginning of time which we are now told was in Africa.
 
My one sister informs me that she was recently at the cemetery where the remains of many family members are buried including  her husband, our parents and paternal grandparents.  She and another sister have graciously assumed the responsibility for checking on the cemetery and often being the ones to mow, week eat and clean off grave stones.    Prior to that I was Grandma Fannie Pickett would command a gathering  at the cemetery on Memorial day.
 
My siblings and I are at that stage of life where it may often seem as if the main gathering place is now the funeral home. In fact, that has been true for some of us for some time.  I was a relatively young man when I was invited to gather with others facing the grim reaper of AIDS which ended the life journey of many.  Each time we gathered there was fewer living people in that crowd.  AIDS brought not only grief but the constant reminder of many of those same religious leaders who sang, “Shall we gather at the river?” that AIDS was the judgment of God for those who loved someone of the same sex.  For many years it was assumed that it was a gay disease even though statistics and science told us differently.
 
Now I am nearly twice the age when I first faced at least weekly gatherings at funeral home.  In recent years, in addition to the “normal” deaths of peers we often gather because of the death of sons, daughters, spouses, lovers, and siblings.  The opioid addiction continues to be very non-discriminate in its selection of victims.    At this stage of life there are also the “normal” deaths of aging although “normal” does not describe the feeling that no matter what the calendar says death has arrived much too quickly.    We may at times be thankful that death has released a loved one from chronic pain, but even then we are not ready to gather, once again at the funeral home.    We remember fonder gatherings in kitchens laughing, teasing, cooking and co-parenting whatever children were present.
 
The gifts of aging are many, but the primary gift may be that it is time to let go of petty worries, resentments, concerns about money (assuming the luxury of having enough to eat and house oneself), things and what others might think or say.   We are also of the age where we have heard the dire predictions of the end of life as we know it by various politicians.    Some of us add concerns which Native Americans have reminded us for years; our need to remember the sacred relationships with mother earth and all the animals, trees and the soil in which our ancestors live and “breathe”.
 
Gather at the river could be a metaphor for the sacredness of all the connections we have with the sun, moon, rocks, water, insects, animals, other other humans.   No matter where we are or what we are doing or where we are gathering “the bright angels have trod”.
 
Written June 28, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
  
 
 

The isms of oppression
 
This morning I was listening to my son’s podcast on GiantPanda.   This week he is interviewing the novelist Amber Smith whose more recent young adult novel is Something Like Gravity,  a story about Chris and Maia.  Maia has recently come out as transgender.  Ms. Smith is herself  is queer.   As I listened I, once again, found myself thinking about the fact that although  in some parts of the world there is not only tolerance but acceptance of those who have been traditionally thought of as less than or the other,  many people remain fearful of those who are unlike them.  Whether the difference is race, gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, nationality, or political beliefs many, if not most of us, continue to show a preference for those who are most like us.    Recently research has shown that even when seeking medical care, we are more likely to listen and take the advice of those with whom we most identify.    Some would argue that this phenomenon is, in part, related to our historic need to relate to and be concerned about our tribe.   That may be true, but I also know that fear of the other continues to be taught  to and internalized by many.   Sadly, religious leaders are often the most powerful teachers of oppression.   Recently I reported the statements of some Southern Baptists theologians who continue to teach that  only the male voice is intended to preach “word of God”.    Daily I hear direct or indirect expressions of racist, sexist, homophobic or nationalist beliefs.    Although my informal and relatively small sample size is very unscientific, as a whole I am more likely to hear such expressions from males.   Yet, I know (and love) many females who are equally selective in who they accept as equals. 
 
It is easy for me to dismiss such expressions as ignorant, uneducated, or related to the undeveloped ego.   To some extent my assumptions are correct.  Study after study reveals that the more comfortable one is with oneself, the more likely one is open to knowing another and discovering that they have more in common than they have differences.  Yet, I know very bright, seemingly mentally healthy individuals who continue to find “reasons” to justify oppression based on gender, race, sexual orientation race, and other perceived and experienced differences.
 
In fact, the United States has a president who continues to talk about women, immigrants,  GLBT individuals, and people of various religions as if they are less than.  There is justification for some white nationalist males who claim President Trump as one of his own.  Yet, he would accurately argue that he has women, people of color and people of various religions working for him in high level positions.   One might ask why anyone who appears to more closely resemble  or identify with a group or tribe that the President regularly treats as less deserving of respect and basic rights would work for such a person.  On the surface it is very confusing.  Yet, the answer is very simple.  We humans have a long history of creating or positing differences in order to  convince ourselves  that we are superior. The perceived need to feel superior is, of course, about the need to feel worthwhile; to not feel less then.   Thus, we convince ourselves that in order not to feel less then we must be more than.  We must have more titles, positions of power, prestige, money or possessions.
 
Once again, we must face the fact that oppression in any form is about power and power is about the need to prove our worth by being more than or better than.   When we truly accept our own humanness, we are more able to relate to the humanness of others and to accept them as equals.   If President Trump came to see me for counseling I would want to treat him as the sacred person that he is based solely on the fact that he is essentially no different than I.  His worth s based solely on his humanness.   It is not about his ability to make a deal, have money, possess political power, the alleged size of his genitals, the physical beauty of his wife, his talents as a bully, his loud tweets or any factors other than his basic humanness. 
 
Until we fully accept that all forms of oppression are about power, we  will not be able to design educational programs which will help children and adults be free to be themselves and, thus, negate the perceived need to oppress.  
 
Unless and until our political candidates learn or internalize the truth of the dynamics of oppression they will continue to use their power to prove that they are more than.   When candidates refer to the desire to “Make America great again. they are implying that we, as a nation, have to be more than rather than a partner with other nations.  Even the use of the term America to refer to the United States  is an example of an artificially inflated ego.   The United States is one of the Americas not “America”.
 
Written July 27, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Surviving tough times
 
I recall having a difficult time communicating with the mother of our son.  As we all know, at our best, we may find it difficult to find the language which approximates the experience of the person with whom we are attempting to communicate.  Since each of us has a very personal history with each work or concept even if in the same basic language such as English, It may seem as if we are speaking the same language, but, in truth, we are speaking two different languages.    The surprise is not that we have difficulty “hearing” and “understanding” each other.  The surprise is that we ever manage to hear and approximate an understanding of each other.
 
 I recall that one reoccurring  example of miscommunication concerns a life lesson we both wanted to teach our son.    I wanted him to be able to honor his tears and the accompanying feelings of fear, sadness, or feeling weak without allowing those feelings to determine his decisions about facing and dealing with tough issues.  His mother heard me saying that  it was wrong for boys to cry.  She may also  have heard me saying t​hat his feelings did not matter.       At some intuitive level she may also have realized that he suffered from the same depressive illness which haunted her.  This, of course,  made the feelings of fear, sadness or feeling weak ten times more intense than those who do not have a depressive illness.
 
He did learn to deal with very tough issues.  Treatment for his depression may  also have helped him experiences some feelings a little less intensely. 
 
In my chosen profession as psychotherapist, counselor or coach I continue to struggle with approximating the language which a client or clients speak and understand.   One of the reoccurring issues is the same one which my son’s mother and I struggled with; to honor all the emotions  and, yet, not to allow emotional to define one’s experience of oneself or one’s belief in one’s strength.  Over the years this life lesson has morphed into:  “In our relationship I am willing to give all he hugs and positive encouragement one wants or needs, but I am not willing to give any pats on the head.”    Pats on the head seem very patronizing to me essentially communicating, “There, there you are just too weak and fragile to face life on life’s terms.”   For me that does not seem or feel respectful or helpful.   On the other hand, a hugs says, “This issue or situation is really tough.  I will work alongside of you as you face and deal with it. Together we can get through this.”
 
We are often in danger in our culture of not appreciating or achieving the  precarious balance we can achieve with a hug.  We seem to often be saying, “You are worthless, not deserving of any support.  You are just a weak, sniveling little aunt which I can crush with my rules or judgment.”  or we are say, “You are  just too fragile to handle life on life’s terms.   It seems to me that neither approach is honest, respectful or helpful.
 
I think that the truths are:

• We are all stronger than we feel.
• We all function better with some support.
• We do not need someone doing our job for us.
• We may have a depressive illness or some other condition which does make situations and tasks more difficult for us.
• None of us needs a pat on the head.
• Communication is tough. It is important to keep trying until we approximate each other’s experience of the language being used.

 
 
Written June 26, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

"Who shall we “see”?
 
This morning while at the gym I was listening to Terry Gross, host of Fresh Air , interview Ava DuVernay filmmaker whose Netflick series “When They See Us”.  The series tells the story of five young man who came to be known as the Central Park Five were “manipulated into confessing to a brutal rape they did not commit.”    They spent many years in prison until a person confessed to the crime.  The Central Park Five eventually won a lawsuit and were awarded several million dollars to share.  Of course, the money does not restore the years they lost.  During the interview Ms. DuVernay points out how the police and the prosecutors unwittingly perhaps created a scenario which led to the young men confessing to a crime they did not commit.    
 
It is easy to understand how and why a person, especially a young person,  might get so confused, weary and overwhelmed that they would confess to a crime they did not commit.     It is also easy to understand or to attempt an understanding of the pressure under which  all levels of law enforcement personnel in this system fall victim to doing anything they can to convince the public that they have solved a crime and that the perpetrator(s) have been taken off the streets and are safely locked away.  The prosecutors are elected and often kept in office only if their number of conviction of the “bad people” warrant it.  I do not want, in any way, to excuse the action of those responsible for the oppressive and cruel treatment of the Central Park Five.    I do want to suggest all of us share some responsibility for the system of so-called justice in this country (and many others) the end goal of which seems to be the illusion of creating a safe and just community.    While it may be true that some of those who end up being convicted and incarcerated in our inhumane prisons are indeed incapable of considering the needs and rights of others, very often even those are victims creating more victims.  
 
I also want to suggest that, as a society, our law enforcement personnel do not  attain their positions free of the heritage of racism, sexism and other forms of oppression.   There are those law enforcement personnel who work hard to identify and let go of internalized beliefs which continue the oppression.  Yet they work in a system which is designed to reward those with money and connections.   While not always true more often than not  money will buy one an attorney that will know how to deliberately and skillfully create that doubt in a jury which will insure a lack of conviction or a lesser sentence.   Judges too are not immune from brining their biases or being swayed by a “sincere”, articulate, smooth talking, captain of the college debate team.    Expensive attorney will also bring in experts to help select the jury and/or to monitor the jury and identify who has to be targeted by attorneys.
 
We know that systems such as restorative justice work for many and  lower the recidivism rate. We also know if individuals are given an accurate diagnosis of mental illness, addiction or some other condition affecting one’s ability to make healthy decisions  and treated for their core diagnosis that they are less likely to be repeat anti-social behavior.
 
Our current system does a lot to create illusions; illusions that we are doing something to solve the problem of crime; doing something to make our communities safer.  In fact, our very expensive system often does just the opposite; it creates hardened and career criminals who will continue the pattern of victims creating more victims.
 
Who shall we see?  Who shall we see when we look at those pressured to “confess’; at those police officer and other officers of the law who are given often conflicting mandates; at those prosecutors who are evaluated by numbers’ at those judges who must get convictions to stay in office, at those attorney who make the big bucks to  win cases; at those victims of crime?  Who shall we see when we identify those who made decisions to not offer treatment to the victims of abuse and other traumas; who shall we see when we look the homeless veterans or the millions of other homeless people. Who shall we see when we immigrant fleeing violence and poverty is labeled a criminal? Who shall we see when we look in the mirror?
 
I am not suggesting we can create a perfect society. I am suggesting that we can quit pointing fingers and take come collective responsibility for exploring alternative view of justice; for a more realistic and  clearer mandate for our law enforcement personnel.   I am suggesting that being able to afford a talented orator should not determine guilt or innocence.   I am suggesting that we look seriously at such concepts as restorative justice.
 
Written June 25, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Sunday Musings – June 23, 2019
The many shades of green
 
Yesterday my friend Annie and I were returning from Pittsburgh where we had enjoyed a fun and extremely well-done performance of the Sherlock Holmes play, Speckled Band, following by a pleasant dinner visit with our mutual friend John.  As I was  headed home I asked Annie how many shades of green she could see.  It has been a very rainy spring  which, although a cause of much angst for those experiencing flooding and mud slides, is also the reason the foliage in mid-June is so lush.  I am not an artist but am often attempting to paint this luscious landscape in my head.   I am acutely aware of the seemingly hundreds, if not thousands, of shades of green I will need for this painting.  Of course, as the earth spins around the sun or the clouds provide a shield, the shades of green change and play with one another.
 
The shades of green seem to me a metaphor or perhaps even a mirror for the many shades of me and the many shades of all the amazing people I encounter as I continue this life dance.   Many times, we are tempted to allow others to define us by one characteristic or one behavior.  Sometimes we are tempted to define ourselves by a medical diagnosis.  I recall when the AIDS epidemic first arrived, heath care professionals and other talked about people dying with AIDS.  Some brilliant individuals suggested that we begin to talk about people living with AIDS. That proved, for many to be a huge paradigm shift.   Even now we are tempted to label others or even ourselves as immigrants, addicts, a cancer patient,  a criminal, an athlete, a person with a particular gender.  While those labels may or may not describes part of one’s history or one aspects of one’s body or life, they do not tell us who the person is. They do not tell us the many shades of green each of us is.
 
All of us are much more than the labels we accept or others assign us. We have unlimited possibilities.    Each part of our life dance can allow us to stretch and grow into another shade of green; to discover a new talent, a new level of empathy, a new level of joy.
 
One of my dearest friends was just diagnosed with spinal osteoporosis.    She remarked that one of the challenges is to not dwell on the diagnosis or to allow her life to be defined by this diagnosis.  This transition will be a learning curve but given she is aware of the danger of becoming one’s diagnosis she will learn to live with her new dance while doing all the exercises and other self-care which will minimize the restrictions.
 
Given the culture in which we live it is easy to fall into the trap of labeling others or ourselves as one shade of green.  We will all benefit by  noticing when we do this and gently reminding ourselves that all of us are many shades of green.
 
Written June 23, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

​The “truths” by which we live
 
Some of us very early in life learn that the people who  we depend on to take care of us are not able to do the job.  In fact, there are times when they not only ignore their caretaking role, there are times when they blame the most vulnerable in the family for their unhappiness.   If we are unlucky enough to be raised in such an environment,  we quickly decide that those adults cannot be trusted.  Since our ability as very young children to do a scientific study is limited one may decide all adults are untrustworthy.  We may then go through this life journey using the results of one’s very unscientific study angry, withdrawn, self- abusive and abusive of others.  In other words, we remain convinced that we are still this child who must kick and scream while maintaining emotional distance from everyone.   Our posture will reflect this very frightened, defensive dance.
 
As children, we may arrive at many universal truths about ourselves, others and the world based on the limited sample size of the adults with whom we “landed”.   Some of us may have been raised by  parents, other relatives,  foster parents, group home staff or detention center staff  none of whom were able to provide the nurturing environment we needed to thrive. We may feel that our sample size was quite adequate.  In point of fact our “sample” composition from a scientific standpoint was skewed and pitifully small. 
 
Some of us may be use the results of  scientific studies to make decisions in our professional life.  We may even be very scientific when selecting schools for our children or  even what brand of soap we purchase and use.   Yet,  we will continue to arrive at relationship truths, spiritual truths, and even political/community truths based on our very unscientific childhood studies. 
 
If we want to have a healthy relationship with ourselves, with a potential partner, with our children and even our community we must  identify the “truths” we learn about ourselves,  others and the world.   We must then lay out those truths on the dining room table and subject each one of them of the rigors of an adult scientific mind.  Some of the “truths” we may find in that pile of the dining room table which will not stand up to the rigors of an adult’s scientific mind are:
 

• No adults can be trusted.
• No other children can be trusted.
• Heathy people do not cry or express other emotions.
• Trust has to be earned rather than withheld only if there is evidence it is not safe to trust.
• Only people of a  certain gender, color, race, religion or sexual orientations can be trusted
• All people are self-centered and out to get what they can from one.
• My “sins” are more numerous and worse than those of others.
• I am not worthy of love.
• I am a sexual object.
• My choice of vehicle defines me.

 
We will find the list is endless.   We will need to spend the rest of our life identifying and subjecting these truths to the rigors of adult scientific studies.     This is a journey and not a destination.
 
Some of the new truths may be:
 

• Most adults can be trusted.  Some cannot.
• Most children can be trusted including that child who lives inside of me.
• Healthy, loving people care deeply and have a variety of emotions, including tears which they openly share.
• Trust can be safely given until there is a reason not to give it.
• Gender, color, race, religious and sexual orientation are not used by healthy people as the basis for trust.
• Most people want to be good people and to have healthy relationships although not all are able to allow them.
• Our “sins” are not worse then, more interesting than, or more numerous than others.  We are all equally human.
• We are all worthy of love if we allow it from those healthy enough to give it.
• We are not a sexual object.  We are sexual beings but that is not the totality or even the center of who we are.

 
We can all benefit from being more rigorous scientists when it comes to identifying the truths by which we live.
 
 
Written June 22, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org.
 

Know thyself
 
Most of us would like to think that we are pretty flexible; that we are open to change; open to new ideas , new situations and now opportunities.  Yet, we may find that we are a lot more fixed and rigid in our thinking than we wanted to believe.
In fact, we may have many preconceptions of who we are or what others experience when they interact with us.    We may think we are kind and patient most of the time; that we are skilled at remembering that other people have issues and schedules which affect us but which have nothing to do with us.    We may like to think that we know that our way of thinking is not the right way and that we are open to hearing what others think is right and the truth.  We may even like to think that we a team player and open to team decisions.
 
Other people may let us know that their experience of us is very different than  how we experience ourselves. We may find, for example, that many others experience us as controlling, rigid, demanding and as one who expects to be the center of the universe.  We may find that some others experience us as conditional in our love and acceptance.   We may also find out that others experience us as much kinder than we give ourselves credit for.
 
Spiritual and emotional growth demands that we open ourselves to looking at ourselves through the eyes of our partner, children, co-workers and others who interact with us.  Our intentions may have been to be that ideal person we had hoped and imagined that we could be.  The ideal person who lives in our head may have  been trapped by fear, old trauma, lies about what it means to be a strong, capable person, or other shields.    Freeing that ideal person will require that we face all those unresolved feelings as well as identify and correct the lies we may have internalized about how we are or should be as a human.   We may have learned to believe that we are a person without emotions who does not need the love of others. We may have told ourselves that our experience in combat did not leave any scars.  We may have told ourselves that we have forgiven the person who sexually abused us and find our way of dealing with that abuse was to convince ourselves that we are asexual and do not want or need a romantic relationship.
 
We may have told ourselves we are non-violent  while blaming others for our vile, violent temper.  We may also tell ourselves that verbal is just words.
 
Very few of us, if any, ever consciously and deliberately decided to lie to ourselves.  We may, however, tell ourselves that we just cannot deal with some aspect of ourselves or some situation.   We may invent a new version of reality to cover up the one we think we cannot face.  We  probably do not label it a lie but a lie it is no matter how nicely we dress it up.   If we tell ourselves a new reality enough times we may begin to believe the lie.
 
Philosophers, theologians and wise teacher have suggested that that we “know ourselves” if we are to become the person we want to be; if we want to be in the process of becoming that person.
 
It may seem as if it takes great courage to get to know ourselves and, in fact, in some ways it does.  It is only by getting to know the good, bad and ugly parts of our humanness that we can make the choice to be free to be our best selves which, in turn, allows us to assume our sacred place in the whole which some choose to call God, I am, the divine or just the whole. 
 
Jimmy F Pickett
June 19, 2019
coachpickett, LPC, AADC

The deadliness of all “sins”
 
In my work with and for those struggling with learning how to more effectively cope with mental illness including addiction, other family issues, recovery from trauma or variety of other issues, one issue seems to come up more than any other. This is the issue of believing as if one has to or can do this life journey alone.    There are several beliefs which seem to be connected to this core belief.  They are:
 

• It is weak to ask for help.
• I should not bother others.
• It is not safe to be vulnerable.
• What is going on with me  is no one’s business. 
• No one else would understand.  My issues are unique.
• My behavior, including my decisions, do not affect others.

 
I am sure that there are many other messages us humans often tell ourselves but these are the ones which I seem to most often hear.   Not surprisingly, as a young man, they are the same messages I told myself.   It is interesting to more closely examine these beliefs or assumptions.
 
It is weak to ask for help.   
Actually, when one fails to ask for help whether one need practical, physical, or emotional support one uses up a lot of energy.   One also isolates oneself – at least emotionally – and is unavailable to others.   Strong people ask for help and are then able move on with life as part of a “we”.
 
I should not bother others.
It does not feel good to have others make decisions for one.  All of us can decide for ourselves whether someone is a bother.  If indeed, someone is asking for more than one is able or willing to give one can communicate and set those boundaries.  Secondly, it does not feel good if one is always the receiver and not the giver in a relationship.  All of us like to feel as if we have something important to offer whether it be time, presence, or something else.  It makes for a feeling of a more equal and respectful relationship.
 
It is not safe to be vulnerable.   
This one may or may not be true.  Some of us may have previously decided that we can only share our story and get support from people who have no support to give and will only take advantage of any information we share.  There are also a very few issues which need to he shared with people with a proven track record of being able to keep a secret and are in a legal position to do so.  Sponsor in a 12-step program are always safe.  If, however, one is in an abusive relationship with a child or in immediate danger of harming oneself or other person one needs to know the potential consequences of sharing specific details.   Certainly, if one is thinking of harming oneself or another one  needs to be willing to commit oneself  for psychiatric care or allow a loved one to do that.   Sharing information about ongoing abuse of a child will likely result in legal consequences but needs to be done.   Sharing our fears, joys, shame, sadness and other feelings with another safe person will allow  one to be the strong person one is.  Not sharing as if one is an independent rock will leave one weak, alone and unable to help others.
 
What is going on with me is no one’s business.  
What is going on with any of us at any time is not likely to be particularly interesting.  Given the exceptions of the examples I gave in the last section, the detains of what is going on are not likely to be unique and of great interest to anyone. Our feelings including our fears and shame messages are of interest to those who love us – those we have allowed in our “we” .  When we do not share our isolation and our use of those shields may be directly hurtful to others and will keep us unavailable to be supportive of others.
 
No one would understand.  My issues are unique.  
I have been doing this work for nearly 50 years. I have lived many more years than that. I have had my share of what I thought were unique or interesting issues.  Personal and professional experience has taught me that there are no unique issues. There are just common, ordinary, human issues.  Some may have been very hurtful to ourselves or others.    Us humans are certainly capable of a wide range of behaviors which are exceedingly kind and exceedingly cruel.  We do not want to excuse cruel  behavior but, on the other hand, we cannot change the past. Sometimes we can make amends. We must put the past behind us.  Holding on to the believe that we are the worst sinner or the most tragic victim will not allow one to heal and move on.  Mentors, sponsors, spiritual directors, or therapist can help us learn to accept our humanness and our human experiences so that we can move forward with our life.
 
My behavior, including my decisions, do not affect others. 
The truth is active, passive, positive and negative actions affect the universe.  A smile or a frown can get passed on to an average of 10 people who may pass it on to 10 people each of whom will pass it on to an average of 10 people and so forth.   As much as we have learned or decided we can live in a bubble on an island, the truth is that we are always part of  an interconnected we.
 
What is the deadliness of “sins”?   I suspect it is self-centeredness – thinking we are an “I” and not a “we”.  It is deadly not only to ourselves but to the universe.
 
Written June 18, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org