​Breaking up that old gang of mine
 
For those readers who are nostalgic or, old as dirt, or is the case with me both, the song “Wedding Bells Are Breaking up That Old Gang of Mine” will be familiar.   Many artists including The Four Aces and Gene Autry recorded it.
 
The song was composed by Sammy Fair and lyrics were written by Irving Kahal and Willie Raskin. It was published in 1929. The lyrics are:
 
 
Wedding Bells (are Breaking Up That Old Gang Of Mine)
 
Not a soul down on the corner,
That's a pretty certain sign,
That wedding bells are breaking up that old gang of mine.
All the boys are singing love songs,
They forgot 'Sweet Adeline,'
Those wedding bells are breaking up that old gang of mine.
There goes Jack, there goes Jim,
Down to lover's lane.
Now and then we meet again,
But they don't seem the same.
Gee, I get a lonesome feeling,
When I hear the church bells chime,
Those wedding bells are breaking up that old gang of mine.
 
I was thinking of this song recently.  I and many others are lamenting the fact that an era is passing.  Since 2001 for some and since prior to 1980 for others there has been a group of people who have gathered to exercise every morning at a very early hour – 5 a.m for some.   The original group were men who exercised at the downtown men’s YMCA.   I joined this group when I  moved to Wheeling in December 1980.  In 2001 the Ohio Valley Medical Center opened Centre Town Fitness Center across the street in what was then known as the Blue Cross Building.   Marjorie Mathieu oversaw the design and construction.  When the men’s downtown YMCA closed some of us moved over to new Centre Town while others joined the Stratford Athletic Club (I may be wrong about the precise name.).  Soon Stratford too was closed and some of the old YMCA group joined some the other old timers at Centre Town. Of course, Centre Town also had many new members - men and women.  Soon there was an expanded core, early morning group who welcomed the occasional new person or a relapsed person.   Sometimes, some of us would move away for a time but when back in town we were welcomed by staff and other members.
 
The staff which included  Nora, Barbara, George, Taylor,  Lee Ann and a number of others who were quickly adopted by the old gang. The old gang was adopted by the staff.  During the week Nora would  arrive early to greet and welcome those who could not wait for opening time at 5:30.  
 
Recently and without prior warning the staff and then we the other members of the family were informed that we had two weeks to gather our hearts and our things.   It was not a wedding but a financial decision which was breaking up the old gang and resulting in the loss of job and family for many.   It is true that times have change. Membership numbers are down. Blue Cross moved out of the building years ago. Rent for the space had increased.  Perhaps the finances of the hospital had changed and could no longer afford to pay the CEO and other senior staff livable wages.   I have no idea how much the senior staff made and no amount of googling revealed that information.   
 
It is also true that there is no longer a paucity of gyms in the area.  I am sure that most of us will find another gym and will continue to exercise.  I am equally sure that most employees will retire or find other employment.  The old gang will not, however, regroup all together.  It is breaking up.  Of course, we had lost members due to moves, illnesses and even death. Recently we gathered to celebrate and mourn the sudden death of Kevin.  We will probably still gather or make an effort to gather at funeral homes. Some will continue to see each other for breakfast or in other settings.  
 
In 2017 there are many  local, national and international issues which will  demand our attention. As Gloria Gaynor sang, “we will survive.”   Still, the old gang is breaking up and we are sad.  I suspect that for the hospital this was purely a business decision. Perhaps not.  For the staff and the members it was much more.
 
Administrative decisions – not wedding bells – are breaking up that old gang of mine.
 
Written January 26, 2017
 

​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 1 – Week 23
 
I continue to enjoy and to be educated by the first-grade scholars with whom I have  been meeting this academic year.  Each week either I or the students suggest a topic for all of us to discuss  with our families during the intervening week.  I am eager to hear what these very thoughtful young scholars want to say to the new President or the United States, Donald Trump.
 
They are arriving now.
 
Me: Good morning scholars.  
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies?
 
Me: No cookies this week but I will make sure we them next week.   I am eager  to hear what you want to say to  President Trump.
 
Tommy:  He is angry a lot.  I want to know why he is so angry. Mom and dad are always saying that it is tough to hear when someone is angry.
 
Me: What do you mean Tommy?
 
Tommy:  When mom or dad are angry I just want to leave the room. They say they feel the same when I am angry.
 
Me: It would be good for all of us to remember that.  Who else wants to share their question for President Trump?
 
Ahmes:  I want to know if he is going to make all Muslims leave,  even people like my mother who was invited here to teach? My father and siblings would have to leave too?  Why is he mad at us?
 
Me: That is another good question Ahmes.  Is it scary for you and your family?
 
Ahmes:  Yes Mr. Jim.  Mom and dad say that he makes it seems as if it is okay if everyone is mad at us and can be mean to us.
 
Me: That must feel terrible.  How about in this school Ahmes?
 
Ahmes: Everyone has been really kind here Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  I am glad.  You are very kind also.
 
Tara:  Is he going to make all of the Americas great Mr. Jim?  We looked at map and there are a lot of countries in the Americas. Is he going to make Mexico great?
 
Me: Excellent question.  Sometimes we seem to use the word America as if the United States is all that is important in the Americas.   These are all good questions.
 
Sue:  If my father loses his government job and we do not have health insurance can I still go to the doctor?  Can I keep my wheelchair? What if it wears out? That is scary?
 
Me:   Health care is very important for everyone. Sometimes if we do not need it today we forget that a lot of people need it every day.  I never know when I or someone I know will need to see the doctor or get a wheel chair.
 
Tommy: What if all countries make more bombs and other weapons?  How is that going to be peaceful?  When someone in the family is angry, as Tommy said, is does not feel peaceful.   If our country is a bully will that be better for everyone?
 
Me: Some people believe if we have more weapons there will be more peace.  Many people do not believe this. Your question is another very important one.  Thank you, Tommy.
 
Susie:  My mother says that he does not like females very much. How come he is not married to a man?
 
(There is a bit of snickering among the students.  I must admit I was also working hard not to snicker.)
 
Me: That is a great question Susie.  Sometimes we like to be close to someone even when we do not respect them much.  Humans can be funny that way.  I suspect your mother is saying that it does not seem as if he respects many women.  He has put some women in important positions.
 
Susie: Most are men Mr. Jim.
 
Me: That is true.  Who else has a question for President Trump?
 
Sam: My mom, dad and Uncle Jim tell Paul and me to think before we speak.   We are not allowed to tweet?  Does the President have to think before he tweets?
 
Me:  There are some who do not think so.  Are you suggesting that the same rules should apply to kids and adults Sam?
 
Sam:  Yes.  You and my parents say that is always fair except some things only adults can do.
 
Me:  Yes, that is what we say.
 
Steve:  My Aunt is from Estonia and is afraid that Russia will steal it again. They used to be in charge and it was very bad.  Does President Trump care?  My dad says it does not seem as if he does.
 
Me:  That is a question a lot of people are asking about all the Baltic states.  Let me remind everyone where Estonia is.    See here is Moscow which is the capital of Russia. Here is Helsinki, Finland which is the capital of Finland. The Baltic sea is between the two.   There here is Latvia and Lithuania, two other Baltic States which were taken over by the Soviet Union of which Russia was part of.
 
Since President Trump has questioned the value of NATO the people in those countries are afraid that no one would help them if Russia tries to take them over.
 
Sofia what is your question?
 
Sofia: Is the President smarter than his wife? I heard that she is very smart.  Would she be a better president?
 
Me: I have also read that she is very smart. That is a great question.  I am not sure we know much about what sort of President she would make on her own.  We might also have to ask if being smart is the same thing as being wise.
 
All of these are wonderful questions.  Would you like me to type them up and if your parents agree we could send them to the President?  We would first send them home to your parents to see what they think about that idea.   Between now and next week, discuss with your families about what we should do when someone is not doing well in school?
 
Steve, will you hand out the question to everyone please?
 
Steve does so.
 
Me: I will bring cookies. I loved your questions.  Thank you.
Have a good week.
 
Class: Goodbye Mr. Jim
 
Written January 25, 2017
 

​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 8 – Week 23 
Gender and roles
 
As I meet with these very impressive eight graders once a week I continue to be impressed with the fact that they are asking some basic questions about who they are or want to be in the context of the world they will soon inherit.  This week they were to discuss with their family members what it means to be a man or a woman? Does it matter who does what job? Should one parent stay at home when there are children? Is being a man or a woman different than being male or female?
 
I hear them arriving now.
 
Me: Good morning class.
 
Class: Good morning Mr. Jim. Cookies?
 
Me:  Not this week.  I will bring some next week.
I am eager to hear what you and your families think about the issues of manhood and womanhood.  Who will start the discussion?
 
Ann:  The women in my family have always been professional women.  My grandmother was a lawyer and her mother was a doctor.  Both my grandfather and my great grandfather on my mom’s side of the family were farmers. They were home a lot of the time but there was also live-in help.  Great grandmother even had a wet nurse.
 
John: What is a wet nurse?
 
Ann: When a woman wants her child to be  breastfed and cannot for any reason do it they hire a wet nurse or some other family member who becomes the wet nurse.
 
Tom:  I thought that only females who just had a baby could  breast feed.
 
Me:  Actually both males and females can use a breast pump  to start the lactating process and then breast feed.
 
Will:  No way! That is weird.  Is that really true Mr. Jim?
 
Me:  Yes, it is.    It does not happen often as far as we know, but it is possible.
 
Will:  But men cannot have babies because they do not have a  u…
What is it called?
 
Ann:  A uterus.
 
Will:  Yes. That is it.  I would not want to have to carry a baby anyway.
 
Me: So one of the differences in the ability to  be pregnant and to carry a baby.
 
Abdul:  Mom says that in some cultures a woman cannot work if she is pregnant but in many cultures, that has changed.  Some women have always worked when pregnant if they are healthy.
 
Ann:  My grandmother said that twice she went from her office to the hospital to have the baby and was back at work in a week.
 
Susie:  Aren’t  we females better at taking care of kids when they are born?
 
Paul:  My uncle stays home with the children.   My aunt says he is much better at being a stay-at-home parent than she would ever be.   She says that she also makes more money than he ever did.
 
Susie:  My dad says that generally parents start teaching girls to be parents very early  by playing house and playing with dolls.
 
Me:  So you all seem to be saying that it depends on the person and not if someone is male or female.  You also seem to be saying that often women are better at taking care of children but this may be what we teach young children.
 
Amena: My mother says that managing a home is like managing any other business.  Many men and women have good management skills.
 
Susie:  Many families do not have any choice. There is only one parent or one parent may be disabled.
 
Me: Great point Susie.
 
Tom: My dad says that there may be some individual biological differences in males and females but we are more alike than different.  He also says that all of us have different talents.
 
Abdul:  Even in the United States women can now be in combat roles.   
 
Amena:  My mom and dad said that being a man or a woman has to do with the kind of person we are and not about who does what job.
 
Me: That is a great point.  Have we used language to make it seem as if there is a difference?
 
Susie: What do you mean Mr. Jim?
 
Me: For example, a butler who is usually a man makes a very good salary.  A housekeeper who is generally a woman makes much less.  
 
Ann:  A cook makes less than a chef. Many women are now chefs.
 
Amena:  A tailor makes more money than a seamstress.
 
Will:  An industrial engineer makes more money than a house cleaner.
 
Me: It seems as if we use language to make it seem as if something is normal or okay. For example, the more money one makes the more power one has to take care of a family or oneself.  If women can only or mainly get lower paying jobs than they have to be the one who stays at home or who works two or three jobs to support a family.
 
Susie:  Mr. Jim.   What is that called when we make something true by making certain rules?
 
Me:  I think you mean self-fulfilling prophecy Susie.  That is when we say things such as only men can work outside the home for a decent salary and then we invent ways of making sure that women cannot earn much.  
 
Paul:  One of the questions was:  What does it mean to be a man or a woman?  What does it mean Uncle Jim?
 
Me: The question is not what it means to be a male or female.  That is a physical or biological issue.  Transgender people are physically male or female but feel very strongly as if they are the other gender.
 
Amena:  You are saying that gender is not the same as how we behave?
 
Me:  Yes, it seems as if most of you and your families are saying that the important thing is how we behave no  matter if we are male or female.  Some will be more nurturing and good at taking care of people and some are better at not having to deal with people very much.  Thus, the question we then have to ask each other and ourselves is what behaviors or qualities do we want to develop or encourage in children and even in ourselves?
 
Will:  Are women more emotional than men?
 
Me:  I wonder if that is the best question or if the best question is who expresses emotions more often and why?
 
Ann:  My mom says that women keep working while they are showing emotions and men cannot feel and work at the same time.
 
Me:  Another interesting  and important question.   We are running out of time.  Does everyone still have the list of topics. Next we are to discuss the question of whether young people will  want to run for political office. How will expense and the use of social media affect their willingness to run and assume community leadership?
 
Again, all of you did a terrific job.  Thanks.  Have a good week.
 
Class:  Goodbye Mr. Jim.
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Written January 24, 2017
 

​Grandma says: “Read, read, read. There is a world of thought.  It is written that Socrates says that:  True knowledge exists is knowing that you know nothing.” 
 
There is no way of knowing for sure what Socrates said. Much is attributed to him. Whether it was Socrates who first said that true knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing or some other wise person first said it does not really matter.  Certainly Grandmother Fannie was not the first wise person who recommended reading both as an antidote to one’s ignorance and as a way of identifying one’s ignorance.   In my mind, however, she was the first to say it to me although I have a strong sense that my fourth-grade English teacher, Mrs. Shepherd could have attempted to pound that bit of knowledge into our young and very hard heads.   As I have previously mentioned,  I do credit Mrs. Shepherd with telling our fourth-grade class in the country, regional school in rural Oklahoma: “Read.  I want you children to read. I don’t care if you read books, cereal boxes or those dirty little books I know  you boys read.  If you learn to enjoy reading the world will open to you.” (I am sure all the face of the boys in that class turned beet red as if Mrs. Shepherd not only knew of the existence of these little dirty comic books but could read our embarrassing and impure thoughts!)
 
Since spending countless hours reading Grandma’s very extensive library (for that time and the economic group to which she belonged), I did not need further proof that my only access to a larger world was by reading and listening to the oral histories which my elders were willing to share.  It would be many years before I would understand the full import of why she wanted her grandchildren to understand that, “True knowledge is knowing that you know nothing.”
It is only in approaching my eight decade that I have a modicum of understanding and acceptance of the profound wisdom this statement contains.    I now accept that as soon as I think I know something is the exact moment that I close off my mind to new “truths”, new opinions of the truth, new ways of viewing the truth or new ways of understanding what I took to be the truth or the facts.
 
I do not have to let my mind wander very far to be reminded that what I thought I knew at age 20, 30, 50, 60 or even yesterday is not what I think I know today.   I know that there may be multiple universes, that what I took to be the apex of mathematical facts is not even close to my current understanding, that what I thought I liked and understood about genres of music, food, or a host of other delights is vastly different than what I think today or what I hope to think tomorrow.
 
If I truly want to be humble enough to learn I must also suspend my judgment of public figure while  staying open to the dangers of power, no matter who possesses it. 
 
Obviously the first step in learning is humility.  Earlier this morning I was reading an article by Connie Schultz entitled “We’re All Under the Same Sky…’ which was printed in the editorial section of the Wheeling, WV newspaper, The Intelligence, Wheeling News Register.  Ms. Schultz talks about a conversation with former president Barack Obama.  She quotes him as saying;
 
“At a time when events move so quickly and so much  information is transmitted,’ he said, reading gave him the ability to occasionally ‘slow down and get perspective’ and ‘the ability to get in somebody else’s shoes.’ “
 
She also reports that he recently gave his oldest daughter “a Kindle filled with books he wanted to share with her.”
 
Grandmother would have approved of his giving his daughter a Kindle. I have  feeling that if she was alive today she would be regularly sending letters as she did when living, but now via email.  I have no idea  what she would have thought of Barack Obama or Donald Trump as a presidents,  but I am sure she would have had an opinion tempered with humility and the ability to laugh at her own lack of humility.
 
In the days to come or even in the next ten minutes I will be tempted to communicate my ignorance which will be wrapped and presented as “KNOWLEDGE”.  If I am at lucky this aged brain  will turn on the Grandma says memory chip which will remind me that “True knowledge is knowing that you know nothing.”
 
I smile.  I just got a text from a dear friend who often taps into my grandmother says memory chip with his sledgehammer to remind me  that I know nothing. Of course there is also that same memory chip in his brain. 
 
Written January 23, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Sunday Musings – January 22, 2017
 This is the first Sunday under the new president of the United States.  Here in Wheeling it is unseasonably warm and sunny.   Many of us are hoping that the weather is a metaphor for the  a new and positive chapter for this county.
 
It would be easy for me to allow myself to be dragged into the negative space of those predicting gloom and doom.  It would also be easy for me to fall into the negative space  of judging those I experience as judgmental.  When I sat down to write this morning my first words were judgmental of those who I perceive to be judgmental.  I was negative rather than focusing on what each of us can do to create an atmosphere which is conducive to positive, creative dialogue.
 
I loved the fact that so many people I knew joined women from around the world to demonstrate that women in all parts of the world are willing to work for - stand up for -  the right of women to be treated as equals members of the community who can determine what is best for their emotional, financial, and mental  health.   Every woman and man that I know who took part in this event wanted to be sure the message was clear – the message that they were not interested in taking away the rights of anyone to make choices which fit their needs and their core value system.  There may have been a few whose message was not so positive and in fact was more anti, but that was not true of the women (and men) I knew.
 
I am well aware that we need to talk about health care, racism and other forms of overt and covert discrimination, the judicial system, and the role of the all nations including that of the United Nations to bring about a more peace and just world.
 
I am also acutely aware that I am a very privileged white male.  I did nothing to attain that place and I need not feel guilty about being predominantly white and male.   I do feel an enormous sense of responsibility for using that position of power in a way which is consistent with eliminating the social construct of race and that of gender.
 
More than anything I am aware today that I want to practice being open to listening.  I “find myself” wanting to tell President Trump, other government  and elected officials, “Could you just listen to yourself and your cronies?”  That would be easy and accomplish nothing.  The more challenging job for me is to listen both to the words and to the underlying emotions which may make it difficult for them to hear me.
 
On this Sunday morning the challenge for me as a member of the body politic is to model what I say I want to hear from others. I say I want to hear more positive statements. I want to hear a message that reaches deep down into our soul and proclaims, “We are better than our most unkind, discriminatory, elitist, racist, arrogant selves.” I am better than my most unkind, discriminatory, elitist, racist, arrogant self.
 
As a mental health counselor who often works for/with individuals and families with chronic illnesses, I need to constantly remind myself that it is my job to do my best to create a safe place for individuals to continue their healing journey.  It is not my job to question whether they want to get well. It may seem as if they are coming to see me merely to get an employer, family member or someone else off their back.  That may be true.  Trying a new medication, letting go of an addictive drug, taking the risk of failing, letting go of a love relationship which has become abusive are tough, sad and frightening.  It is not my job to assume that “if they really wanted to get better” they would do X, Y or Z.”  It is my job to explore an option which might be more effective while not denying that the concerns and fears they have are real.
 
If I can do this for clients, can I also do it for my neighbor who disagrees with my approach to solving problems, my political views or even my core values?  Can I do this with elected and appointed officials?
 
All too often I “find myself” falling into the trap of being negative or judgmental of those “others” who are judgmental.
 
While I do not want to morbidly obsess about such issues today, I do want to face my own humanness with love and a sense of humor.  From that stance I might have more creative thoughts for the next right thing to do in addressing community issues which concern me and others.
 
Written January 22, 2017
 

​Is there a right to preach hate?
 The question of the right to practice and to speak out about one’s religious and/or ethical beliefs seems like a very simple one to address.   Yet, if speaking out instigates hate and endorses violence or has the appearance of endorsing violence then a society or community begins to question the line between individual rights and the rights of the community as a whole.    In the United States, we have many laws which limit our individual freedom when said freedom infringes on the rights of some in the community to live without fear of violence.  
 
Historically, in the United States, violence based on race, sexual orientation, gender and even nationality has been not only tolerated but codified into law or accepted practice.  The supreme ruling of 2003 in the case of Lawrence Versus Texas struck down anti-sodomy laws and, yet as recently as 2013 individuals in the United States were jailed for so-called crimes against nature.  There is a long history of lynching’s and using Jim Crow laws in the States to oppress people of color.
 
Many people commonly accepted a test which came to be known as the thumb rule test which allowed husbands to beat their wives and children with a stick no bigger than one’s thumb.  The myth is that this was a law but I can find no evidence that it was.  On the other hand, as late as the 1980s, when I would attempt to find spiritual counseling for a woman being physically abused, I and the wife were often told that if she was a better wife the beatings would stop. There were many laws which restricted the right of women to own land, vote, get degrees, or otherwise function independent of a husband.  It was also easy for a husband to incarcerate a woman in a mental institution if she wanted a divorce.  The history of medical treatment of women is rife with such terms as hysteria.
 
Often religions “doctrine” and references to “the word of God, Allah, or a deity called by some other name have been used to justify the mistreatment  and even death of those who some people or organizations  decide displeases the god of one’s understanding. 
 
The mistreatment of those who have an often uncontrollable urge to have sex with a minor child is codified and leads to not only prison time but inclusion on the sexual offenders list and subsequent mistreatment by communities, neighbors and others.
 
I have sat in many courtrooms where the judge has lectured a person on their reprehensible behavior and  told them that they are undeserving of any mercy or compassion.
 
In short, there can be no doubt that  the public condemnation or hateful speech against an individual or a group of individuals can and is used to incite violence against such individuals or groups.
Yet, we are loathed, for good reason, to make more laws which restrict the freedom of speech.  The rights of the individual except when it infringes on the rights of others has a long history in the United states.  Sadly, this right has often been applied to the chosen ones and used by that chosen ones to shame and attempt to emotionally destroy others.  Words which begin with the letters C, N, F and others can be as sharp and as lethal as a finely-honed blade. 
 
I was thinking of this history when reading a new article about the treatment of the gospel singer Kim Burrell.  She may have lost a job and been disinvited by some talk show hosts because of her preaching against the perversion of homosexuality.  The January 5, 2017 Huffington Post reported:
 
“Burrell, who appeared on tracks with Pharrell, Frank Ocean and others, made waves on New Year’s Eve when video surfaced of the singer delivering a sermon that spewed homophobic rhetoric and called gays and lesbians “perverted.”
“That perverted homosexual spirit, and the spirit of delusion and confusion, it has deceived many men and women. You as a man, you open your mouth and take a man’s penis in your face ― you are perverted,” Burrell can be heard in the above video saying. “You are a woman and will shake your face in another woman’s breast, you are perverted.”
 
Foxnews.com reported:
 
“Gospel singer Kim Burrell was given the boot from her radio show "Bridging the Gap" days after giving a sermon about her anti-homosexuality stance at her Houston, Texas church.
Texas Southern University's KTSU-FM did not give any reason for axing the program, but many have said the timing of the firing with Burrell's controversial sermon must be more than a coincidence.
"While Burrell's comments about the nature of homosexuality distorted Christian teaching and unfairly maligned LGBT persons, her view that homosexual activity is a sin is well within parts of the Christian tradition," Executive Director of Catholics in Alliance for the Common Good Christopher Hale told FOX411. "In general, people's private religious beliefs and practices shouldn't affect their ability for employment in the public sphere."
 
One can argue that such pubic preaching often fuels hate which leads to violence. The question is whether, as Cristopher Hale, suggested “ a person’s private religious beliefs and practices shouldn’t affect their ability for employment in the public sphere.”
 
As a gay man I am well aware of the emotional damage which such public, hateful pronouncements can  inflict on individuals which then affect those associated with that individual.   As a therapist I am well  aware of the power of language, especially that language which originates from a person  of authority.
 
There may be a difference from  a person who uses sexist locker room talk in private or even in the locker room (I am still likely to let the person know that I am offended.) and when the same language is uttered to a national or international audience which will includes those who will stone a woman to death in the name of the God of their understanding.
 
A short time after reading about the activity of Ms. Burrell I began to think about inviting her to my home for dinner. I would be happy to do that. I would be delighted to debate with her my understanding of the original Old Testament prohibitions against the ‘wasting of seeds” by  a man having sex with another man.  I would also be happy to respectfully listen to her opinion.   I have no need to convert her to my way of thinking or to convince her to change what I assume to be her sexual orientation.  I would happily defend her right to her religious beliefs and to be judged as worthy of love and respect.  I am not convinced that she has the moral right to use her public pulpit to encourage judgment which she must know will lead to hate which she must know will lead to violence. 
 
I do not believe I have the right to say anything negative about Ms. Burrell.  How could I?  I do not know this woman.  I have no facts to judge her (or anyone else) as more or less deserving of love and respect.  I do have the right to say that I have different opinion. I do not believe that I have the right to say that she is a bad person who God is mad at  and whose behavior deserves to be punished.  
 
Neither do I have the right to vocally or otherwise disrespect the President of the United States or the homeless man who is walking around with all their worldly possessions in a shopping cart.  I have no right to apply the term criminal to all illegal immigrants. 
 
There are moral/ethical rights and legal rights.  I am not in favor of more laws which result in more fines or more people incarcerated or shuffled about in the judicial system.  
 
I do have a responsibility to speak to the fear underlying hatred; to comfort those who are fearful beneath the shield of hate.  I do have a responsibility to see the mirror, look into that mirror and offer compassion.
 
My friend Becky was picking up her new eye glasses the other day. A woman came in and did not have the nearly $200.00 to get her glasses which were ready for her use.  Becky paid for the glasses. She did not ask why the woman did not have the money, for her  to give an accounting of her spiritual habits or to otherwise determine if she was worthy of this gift (or the right of decent sight).  She began with an assumption that this woman was deserving and that she, Becky, was blessed to give this gift without herself becoming homeless or having to do without her new glasses.  
 
Becky knew nothing of the private beliefs of the woman who needed help. She knew nothing of her nationality, education, sexual orientation, or spending habits. 
 
I know nothing about Ms. Burrell who knows knowing about the struggles of the homosexual who knows nothing about me who knows nothing about…
 
I believe I have no  ethical or moral right to utter words of hate. I do have an ethical and moral responsibility to speak words of compassion, to offer opinions and to listen to opinions of others. 
 
The goal is not to self-righteously  tolerate Ms. Burrell. The goal is to love her while modeling that we can disagree without inciting hatred and potential violence.
 
Post Script:  I must confess I love a good spiritual and might ask Ms. Burrell to “sing for her supper.”
 
Written January 21 2017

​Dance as if …   January 20, 2017
 
As a person who is often accused of imitating the habits of the energizer bunny and a person who has studied and uses movement therapy I think of all movement or even lack of movement as a dance.  Not moving is analogous to the negative space in a painting, the often loud and poignant silence in music, the pause in a play or the words we do not say.
 
Today the 45th President of the United States took the oath of office and will begin the dance with Congress and with the citizens of the United States as well as with the leaders of other nations.  The choreography of this dance will move from sound bites, tweets and promises to the reality of what it means to actually lead. All of us reading this blog have experienced what happens when one moves from training, education or other preparation to the actual game day when we are expected to accept that our actions affects more than what letter or numerical grade we are assigned.
 
Personally, I cannot imagine waking up to the responsibility of facing each day with the morning briefing and being expected to gracefully begin that day’s dance. Will it be the considered, precise movement of a traditional Tchaikovsky ballet or the more open moments of Martha Graham?  Perhaps the arms and hands will lead as they do with the electric dances choreographed by Balanchine or perhaps it will be improvised dance to the sounds of jazz. Then there is the possibility of the talent and showmanship of the break dance or the precision of the movement to rap music.  Whatever dance is chosen it will continue to send waves of vibrations and patterns of light throughout the world.  Each recipient will then have to choreograph a response which in turn will lead to …
 
It seems very difficult for humans to accept that the dance we choose will  be experienced around the world and will be responded to with a dance which will be experienced around the world.   In my head, as I write,  I am picturing various possible dances.  If only the dance could just be booked at Carnegie Hall or some other performance hall and the audience were able to absorb the dance before beginning their reactionary dance.
 
Humans, at some level, seem to grasp the concept of the six degrees of separation or to understand that a building, a bridge, a car or even the environment is interactional within a total system.  Yet it seems as if we have a very difficult time accepting that:
 
·      We have a choice of dances.
·      Our dance can be an action or a reaction.
·      Nothing happens in a vacuum.
·      One is affected by the dance of others.
·      One is responsible for one’s dance  - others are not responsible for one’s choices.
·      Others choose a dance because of their history and belief systems.
 
Thankfully I am not the President and do not have to choreograph and perform my dance from the White House of the United States. Still, I must choose my dance based on my core values with an acceptance of the fact the I am an integral part of the overall dance of the United States.  If my dance is a life affirming, positive one I will do my part in creating a more vibrant life affirming dance of my community, my state, the United States, the earth and the universe(s).  
 
Written January 20, 2017
 
 

​The high cost for the illusions of justice – the high cost of anger
 
All of us who are parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, or professionals working with children would like to believe that we can protect all  children from being taken advantage of or abused by someone in positions of authority.  When someone in a position of authority does take advantage of the position of power with one of our children, it is understandable that we get angry.   The anger may be directed at ourselves for not being able to protect the child and it may be directed at the person who was not able to honor that position of trust.  Often it seems that this anger is the primary motivator in deciding how to deal with the person who violated that trust and/or our lack of ability to protect the child making a decision which we feel they are not mature enough to make.   We get especially upset when the violation of trust includes sexual activity or putting the child in a life-threatening situation.   We are quick to judge and act when it is obviously that a child’s life is in imminent danger or when sexual activity may be involved. 
 
Increasingly, it seems, the legal system is involved with insuring that children are not mistreated.  I recall reading about the case of a young child of a single parent who wandered out into the street. This parent had fallen asleep and the child did what most children do, it went off to explore without having any way of knowing the dangers  such as traffic.  Someone rescued the child and then called the police who called child protective services.  The mother was accused of child neglect.  There was no report in the newspapers  about the fact that this single parent worked two jobs attempting to care for her children and could not afford child care both for the time she was at work and then time she  needed to be sleeping.   
 
Another time I had a client who had a child who kept finding ways to start fires and putting the life of the entire family in jeopardy. This man was a single  father who made every effort to ensure that there were no matches or any other way for the child to start a fire and, yet, the child kept finding ways to start fires.   He went to local service agencies asking for help and no one provided any child care, counseling or other help.   Yet, when the man tied the child to a chair so he could safely take a shower he was charged with child abuse and the child was removed from his home.
 
Recently I heard about a former police officer who was a security guard at a private school.  He and a 17-year-old student developed an attraction for each other and fell in love.  The man was charged and convicted of being a sexual offender based on the fact that he abused his position of authority.  He was sentenced to two years in prison which was suspended as long as he obeys the rules of probation and the rules of those on the sexual offenders list on which he will remain for ten years. He is not allowed to have any contact with the young woman, now 18 even though both he and the girl state that they are formally engaged and want to be married.   As I recall, he is 43 and she is 18. The father of the young woman is convinced that justice has been served and that she will  move on with her life although there has so far been no public evidence that she desires to do that.
 
As a father, I can certainly understand that the father/parents of this girl would like to see her have an opportunity to go to college or otherwise  take time to prepare to be self-supporting to and explore her talents. She was, after all, attending a very pricey private school that prepares students to go on to college before taking their place as leaders of the community.  Certainly, many of their graduates have followed this path.  Yet, clearly this young woman and the former security guard are in love.  It is, of course, easy to say that she is too young to make this sort of decision.  After all, she might have been flattered that an adult showed interest in her – an adult in a position of authority.   She may have been of legal age but the differences in positons did not allow her to make a rational judgment.   
 
We adults cannot seem to make up our minds about when someone is an adult and allowed to make adult decisions.  If a young person under 18 commits certain crimes such as murder which we consider are “adult crimes” we seem to have little hesitation in trying them as an adult. This can vary with the state, the prosecutor and other community members involved in the case.   
 
We often send those who sell drugs or those who are caught with drugs to prison.  We certainly send folks who steal to support their habit to prison.   Sometimes attempts are made to distinguish those who have a drug addiction from those who have an addiction to power, money or somethings else.  Yet, success is often achieved by  being addicted to power or money no matter how many lives are adversely affected by that rise to power.  We may laud the person who takes a multi-million-dollar salary while charging very high prices for a lifesaving drug.
 
We, as a community, get very angry when someone does not operate within the accepted norms that have been established for those who may be hurt by addiction to power.  We just elected a president who brags about becoming rich by knowing how to use the system to declare bankruptcy and avoid taxes. A person who mistreats employees and then donates a lot of money to a charitable cause is lauded as a kind and generous person and may get a building or a wellness center named after him or her.
 
Much too often the question is not about what might be best for the individual or the  community in the long term.  The question is what will make us feel better for the moment or what will temporarily assuage our anger.
 
We have locked up people for homosexual acts, for marijuana use or growing, for exposing themselves or a myriad of other behaviors which we might find personally offensive  but which are not dangerous or a threat to society.  
 
There are millions of people on the sexual offender’s list who do not present a danger to anyone.   The man (or woman) who unwittingly hires an underage prostitute, the 70-year-old physically disabled person who was attracted to sex with children as a younger person, the person who  urinates in pubic, the person who is seduced by a teenager, or the person who sells sex as a way to pay for a drug habit may have engaged in behavior which we personally find offensive and which may have involved some sexual activity.   Yet, the primary questions we must begin to ask ourselves are:
 
·      Does the person present a future danger to others?
·      Can the person be a responsible, tax paying member of the community without presenting a danger to others?
·      Can mental health treatment or behavior modification treatment help the person safely be in the community?
·      Is the primary purpose of “punishment” to make us feel as if we are doing something even if it does not deter future “crimes?”
·      What is the cost of criminalizing someone or some behavior – financially and emotionally?
·      Is the “criminal behavior” dangerous or just personally offensive?
·      Is everyone treated equally or is “justice” dependent on how much money one has for an attorney(s)?
·      Is society as a whole better off after spending billions of dollars to prosecute and keep an alarming number of people in jail and/or on probation or parole?
·      What is the price for the illusion of control over our  teenage children?
·      How easy is it for individuals to get safe, affordable, quality help?
·      Can a potential sexual offender get help without risking incarceration?  Should they be able to?
 
An April 2016 White House Report entitled “Economic Perspectives on Incarceration and the Criminal Justice System” (whitehouse.gov) states that the current system may cost up 270 billion  and is ineffective in a majority of cases.  (There are those who get well in spite of the system and perhaps occasionally because of it.) 
 
To be fair, there are communities which have made a very concerted effort to offer addicts alternatives to incarceration. I have talked to a number of people who have been able to reclaim a healthy life because of such programs. The programs are too few, too understaffed with highly trained staff, and may have waiting list.    Also, too few individuals accept that addiction is a chronic illness which may require ongoing or repeated  treatment.  One expects relapses with chronic illness such as addiction, other mental illness and diseases such as diabetes. 
 
In all our actions, as individuals or as a community, we would do well to examine our motive and  the result we want or expect.
 
Written January 19, 2017
 

School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 1 – Week 22
 
Last week the first grade scholars reported on  their family experiment with listening and learning that we interpret  the sound waves with our brain. This week they and their family members were experimenting with  interpreting the light wave patterns with their brains.  I had suggested that they and another family member observe something such as a television show or something in public and then act as if they are a reporting what they think they saw.
 
I hear the scholars arriving now.
 
Me:  Good morning class.
 
Class: Good morning Mr. Jim.   Cookies! 
 
Me:  Yes we have cookies.    Sofia and Tara would you pass them out please.
 
As usual, the cookies are quickly inhaled.
 
Class: Thank you Mr. Jim
 
Me:  You are welcome.   I am eager to hear about your experiment with reporting of what you were seeing.  Who wants to be the first reporter.
 
Steve:  I was not a very good reporter Mr. Jim but neither was anyone else in the family.  We decided that we would sit in the place at the mall so that we all saw the same thing. We would agree where to look and then mom would  time us for 10 seconds. 
 
Me:  That is a great way to do it. What happened Steve
 
Steve: We all saw different people and even if we saw the same person what we wrote down was not the same . We had to write down three words which described the person. 
 
Me:  That is a well designed experiment Steve.  What did and your family decide was the reason.
 
Steve:  Mom suggested that we see what we think we will see or what interests us.  I saw someone who looked a little like grandma.  I said she was wearing the same outfit grandma was for Christmas.    Dad was taking photos and the photo showed her wearing different clothes. My sister and I argue over stuff like that all the time, but now I know why dad always says that you are both right and you are both wrong.
 
Me:  Wow Steve, that is impressive.  You learned a lot. How about some of the rest of  you young scientists. What did you discover.
 
Ahmes:  I get mad when people say that I look like a terrorist.  Mom suggested we sit in the mall and pick out people we thought could be terrorists.  I picked out people who looked like me.
 
Me: Was there any evidence that any of them were terrorists.
 
Ahmes:  Mom and dad asked some of them if we could talk to them. We told them what we were doing.  They were really nice people. Then we talk about how we get angry when people think we are terrorist just because we look like  we come from the Middle East.
 
Me:  That is a wonderful experiment.  You learned a lot Ahmes.
 
Sofia:  Our family watched 5 minutes of a news program and then turned off the television.  Then we wrote about what we saw on the television.  Everyone saw and heard something different but we all knew we had watched a television news program.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Tara, Sam, Ahmes (Egypt mother a porofessor), Sue, Tommy, Sofia, Steve, Susie
 
Susie:  Our family decided that we would go to the art museum and look at one painting.   We would all look at the same painting and then write down two sentences about what we saw.  We all saw something different. 
 
Me:  I am so impressed.  These are wonderful experiemnts.
 
Sue: I always worry that everyone just sees me as someone in a wheelchair.   Dad suggested that we as Dr. Mary if we could go to a place on the hospital where there are a lot of kids in Wheelchairs.    Mom said we would each write down one word about every kid we met or saw.  We knew that they were in Wheelchairs but we saw kids who were funny, smart, pretty, strong and all sorts of things.   I was not convinced then we asked Dr. Mary what she saw. She knew I and other kids were in Wheelchairs but she never used that word. 
 
Me:  Did this convince you Sue?
 
Sue: I am not sure. I used to be sure.
 
Me: That is a lot of progress Sue. Sometimes we just need to allow for the possibility that not everyone sees what we see or what we fear they see.
 
Sam:  Our family decided to go to the zoo and describe what we saw.   We all saw the same kind of animal but we all used different words to write about them.
 
Tommy:  How do we know what is real Mr. Jim?
 
Me: That is a great question.  If there is an accident which 20 people saw, there may be 20 different version so the story.  Everyone will probably agree  that there was an accident but they have seen a very different accident depending on the angle and distance they were from the accident, what experience they have had in seeing accidents previously – even on television, and other factors.
 
Tara:  if my brother is right and I am right and neither of  us are right what will we argue about?  How will I show how dumb he is?
 
(Everyone laughs.)
 
Me:  From what I know you and your brother are both very smart as are your parents.  I do not think that is a secret Tara.
 
Tara: I guess not but …
 
Me:  Goodness, the time is nearly up.  Tommy and Steve would you pass out cookies please?
 
Tommy and Steve pass out the cookies.
 
Me:  Mr. Trump becomes president this week. How about next week each of  you talk with your families about the one thing you would like to say to then new president.
 
You did great today.  Have a very good week.
 
Class: Bye Mr. Jim.
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
 
Written January 19, 2017
 

​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade  8 – Week 22
Patriotism?
 
Since last meeting 8th grade students have been discussing the concept of patriotism with their families.  I am eager to hear  what they think about this important topic.
 
I hear them arriving.
 
Me:  Good morning class.
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim. Cookies!
 
Me: Yes, I have cookies.  Ann and John, will you please pass them out to your classmates?
 
Ann and John do just that.  It only takes a minute to distribute them and even less time to inhale them.
 
Me: It seemed as if the more recently presidential campaign went on or a very long time.  Often, during the campaign it seems as if there were direct and indirect statements made calling into question the allegiance or patriotism of the candidates by their opponents.   There has, during the same period of time, been a lot in the news regarding the enormous number of refugees fleeing such countries as Syria and a lot about “illegals” entering the United States from Mexico and other countries.   Additionally, during this same period of time Great Britain voted to leave the European Union.
 
Most of you and many of we adults know people who have, for various reasons, left the country of their birth and become citizens of other countries.
 
Most of us are also aware that we are an increasing having to accept that one religion, race or culture does not clearly define a country.  The United States is increasingly a country of people who are moving towards brown. Many of us live in communities which includes people originate from many countries, religions and cultures.
 
You and other young people have increasingly asked me and other adults: What does it mean to a citizen of a particular country if one has the option of leaving that country and requesting asylum or even citizenship in another country, if race, religion or cultural background does not distinguish one country from another what does?
 
What came up in your family discussions?
 
Paul:  In our family we started by looking up the work patriotic in our Oxford dictionary.  It says:
         Having or expressing devotion to and vigorous support for one’s country:
 
We then looked up patriot:
 
         A person who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against enemies or detractors.
 
Origin
Late 16th century (in the late Latin sense): from French patriote, from late Latin patriota fellow countryman, from Greek patriōtēs, from patrios of one's fathers, from patris fatherland.
 
 
In this country, we can be very critical of our country.  Mom says that when you love someone or something you accept that it is not perfect.  If it is something you try to make it better.
 
Abdul:  I really like that about this country. One can be critical. On the other hand, sometimes people assume if our family is Muslim we cannot be patriotic.
 
Tom:  My uncle said that when he criticizes the Vietnam war  or even our war against Iraq, some people some people say he is not patriotic and tell him “Love it or leave it.”  He gets upset because he feels as if he is being a good citizen when he talks about ways he thinks it can be better.
 
Will:  Even though Martin Luther King thought we had that needed changing he thought of himself as patriotic.
 
Amena:  My friend has a difficult time with  The Pledge of Allegiance because he does not think that there is liberty and justice for all. My dad says that when we say The Pledge of Allegiance we are saying what our goal is and not what we are.
 
Susie:   My mom thinks that being patriotic means that we are like a large family who is not perfect but all love each other.
 
Ann:  But do we all love each other.
 
Me:  Is there a difference between loving and liking each other. Sometimes in our family we do not like each other but we love each other.
 
Will:  I know  that Mr. Jim.   I do not like my cousin when he acts as if he is more important than the rest of us in the family, but I do not like it when someone else is critical of him.
 
Me:  That is a good point Will. I know a lot of people who still love the country that they came from but they also love the United States.
 
Tom:  Can someone be a citizen of two countries?
 
Me:  Yes, many people hold dual citizenship
 
Tom: What if those two countries start fighting with each other.
 
Abdul:  That is a very tough question Tom. A lot of people our family knows are citizens of this country and also of countries where we are fighting.
 
Paul:  But are we fighting other countries or a group of people in this country.
 
Ann:  We used to fight Germany but we were really fighting the Nazi’s.
 
John: Are we ever fighting a country or are we fighting what it leaders have convinced them to do?
 
Me: Great question John.
 
Susie:  People in Europe want to be part of the European Union and citizens of their country.  Now Britain has decided it does not want to be members of the European Union. Some people thought they were losing their identity as Britain’s.
 
Paul:  But some wanted to stay part of the European Union.
 
Me:  I wonder what it means to each of you to be a citizen of the United States and a citizen of the world. Can one use the term patriot for both?
 
Tom:  It seems we have to choose Mr. Jim.  What happens if one group of citizens starts mistreating another?  What does it mean to be a patriot then Mr. Jim?
 
Me:  That is another great question.  If we could make the United Nations more effective than the majority might decide that the fighting had to stop.
 
Paul: I thought that we already tried that and it often does not seem to work.
 
Me: Could it work?
 
Will:  What if Martin Luther King Jr. had been  head of the United Station?
 
Me: Great question. He was determined to find non-violent solutions to conflict.
 
Susie: We want to a talk last night as part of the Martin Luther King Jr  birthday celebrations.  The speaker said that we have to be strong enough to face hate with love.
 
Me:  I heard that talk also Susie.  Many people think that is a very weak way of responding.  Some would say that those who are not realistic cannot be very patriotic.   The make the country weak.
 
Tom:  This gets very confusing Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  Yes it does. What is the value of even asking these questions?
 
Amena:  My mother says that if we do not even ask these questions we will never learn to live in peace.
 
Me: Thanks. That is a powerful statement.   Sadly, it is time for the bell.
 
I am sure that we will return to these questions. Next week we had agreed to discuss what it means to be a man or a woman.  Does it matter who does what job? Should one parent stay at home when there are children?  Is being a man or a woman different than being male or female?   If anyone does not have their list of issues, see me and I will give you one.
 
Paul and Amena will you hand it the cookies please?
 
Have a good week.
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Written January 17, 2017