​Mothers - The next right thing
 
I go up this morning feeling a bit off center
 
as if mind, body and spirit had not yet decided to speak to each other.
 
Made coffee, did morning meditation and responded to emails.
 
Began exercise program although each appendage was clearly
 
operating independently.
 
The women in my life come to mind.
 
Each day they got up, did morning absolutions.
 
First stoked and fed the wood stove.
 
Sent a child to fetch water.
 
Fixed breakfast
 
All the while in her best drill sergeant voice
 
instructing the rest of the family to hop to it.
 
Making tea and toast for her husband, our father.
 
Carefully instructing a child to butter all the corners lest he gruffly
 
demand a redo.
 
He went off to work.
 
She stayed home
 
            Taking care of children
            Washing clothes by hand and later with a modern wringer washer
            Cooking          
            Tending to the garden
            Mending
            Cleaning the three room house
 
Not tiredness, illness, pregnancy, or sadness prevented her
 
from doing the next right thing.
 
The next thing on the long list of chores.
 
We wondered why she was tired and angry.
 
After all, it was dad who went off to work.
 
Unless he was, again, between jobs because he had not been treated
 
fairly.
 
There were moments when she threatened to leave but not before
 
the list was checked off.
 
Always to return to, once again, do the next right thing.
 
The women in our family did not always stay home
 
but worked day jobs as ministers, administrators, clerks,
 
or factory workers, but still found the energy and time to
 
cook, clean, mend, do laundry, supervise homework and all else on the
 
list.
 
Their art appeared in quilt patterns, needle points, letters,  perhaps in
 
the elaborate lattice pie crusts or in the miracle of feeding 20 from a
 
seemingly empty icebox.
 
There were, of course, those unable to do the next right thing.
 
Those who lives were stolen by addiction, depression and other
 
dis eases.
 
Then a grandmother, aunt, or sister gathers \up the
 
children.
 
They are still gathering up the children.
 
Doing the next right thing.
 
Tired, heart sick,  feeling like resigning.
 
Yet, the next right thing calls and she answers.
 
“Lordy, I am tired.” she pleads.
 
Praying as she does the next right thing.
 
 
Written April 30, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Freedom to; freedom from
 
I do not recall when or under what circumstances I was challenged to consider the difference between  the terms freedom to and freedom from.    My memory tells me it was in an undergraduate political philosophy class.    This was in the sixties when many of  us were adamant about asserting our freedom to – freedom to oppose the Vietnam war, question the universities and other institutions about their investments in companies which treated employees cruelly, have sex with whom we pleased and engage in other activities  which ignored the teaching of  parents and other adults.   Often we engaged in these freedoms without questioning our own self-righteousness or the effect of our behavior on others.  We also often brought with us the same racist, sexist, homophobic behavior which we might have been protesting.
 
It seems we were very focused on the freedom to while ignoring the issues of freedom from.  Our concept of freedom to was focused on the freedoms for the individual.  Although we were often focused on how the behavior of our country and the institutions with which we were associated affected others, we did not always consider how our freedoms affected each other or people outside of our group.
 
The question of freedom has frequently been in the forefront of economic, political and religious dialogue in this country; perhaps never more so than in recent years.   Most recently the questions of freedom from and freedom to have once again come to the forefront of our thinking.  
 
Since the visit of Covid-19 began the question of what freedoms should be curtailed for the individuals so that there may be long term freedom of the majority to be healthy and to live has been passionately debated.   Some assert that all should have  maximum freedom from potential infection.  Some assert that the freedom to salvage their business and to freely move about trumps the rights to be free from potential infection.   The  President of these United States has just this week decided that the freedom to have access to meat trumps the rights of employees of the meat packing plants to be safe from infection.   It would seem the freedom to eat meat, even though there are other sources of protein, is more important than the freedom of employees of meat packing plants to be free from infection. 
 
Often freedoms of individuals collide.  In my professional life this is evident in the laws we have enacted to protect the privacy of the individuals; often at the expense of the fact that people live in family systems.  Even if one is not physically living with family members the freedom to privacy may ignore how individual decisions affect other family members.
 
The gun rights laws in this country seem too often focus on the freedom to own and carry a gun no matter how it affects the right to be free from the potential irrational behavior of the person with a gun.
 
In this and many other countries the questions of freedom to and freedom from are clashing with each other. Communities have to consider the freedoms of individuals, businesses, children, adults, governments and many other entities.   We all want to be free from potential infection but many are willing to risk being infected so as to enjoy the freedom to operate our business; just to be able to eat at a restaurant or get our hair done.
 
 
As with most important ethical questions there are no easy answers.  We do, however, have the option of considering how freedom to affects freedom from;  for ourselves, our families and every other person at every level of community.
 
Written April 29, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

Throwing out the baby with the bathwater
 
I am not sure when I first heard the advice, “Do not throw out the baby with the bathwater.”   It may have been from Grandma Fannie or someone else.   It was a common enough saying that one could also find  a question about its meaning on intelligence tests.
 
Yesterday I was scrolling through the ne​ws and happened on an item regarding advice from an on line advice site to a wife who is concerned about her husband’s worsening anger.   The wife did not indicate that the husband has been or was threatening physical violence toward her or the child.   She was, however, appropriately concerned about the affect his anger was having on the child and the tension it was creating in the very air of their home, especially now that they are both working from home.  I was saddened by the advice offered to this wife who said that he was overall a great father and a thoughtful husband.  The advice columnist said:  “He is not a ‘great father’ and he is not a “very thoughtful husband,” and I think when it becomes remotely feasible, you should have a consultation with a divorce lawyer.”  If he rouses himself to enter some serious anger management therapy, and you see meaningful changes, great. You cannot raise a child with someone you have to constantly walk on eggshells around.”
 
This responds disturbed me a lot for the following reasons:
 

• Someone can indeed be a great  parent,  a very thoughtful partner and also have  very serious issues which need addressed.
• Divorce does not have to be the first or only option.

It is true:
 

• The behavior needs to change.  Anger is a serious issue.
• The wife needs to lovingly and firmly let husband know that he is not a bad person and that help is available.
• The wife need to determine if husband agrees on core values and corresponding behavior which they want to model and teach their child.

 
In over 50 years of doing counseling – of working for and with those who want help understanding and changing behavior  - I have not met anyone who needs to be thrown out with the bathwater.   I have certainly met those who tried to understand their own behavior and may blame it on other people, places, events, or situations. They may honestly believe others cause them to be angry and to behave in a very abusive manner.
 
I have and do work with those who have a mental illness including addiction which prevents them from considering the needs of others.   I never advice anyone to live with an active addict or those whose serious mental illness has not been or cannot be treated.  This  is especially true when there are children in the home who need and deserve a safe place to live.   I do not, however, suggest divorce as the first option.   While it may be necessary to physically separate I know that change is possible. 
 
I am reminded of Father Greg  Boyle who works for/with those who are ready to consider leaving the very violent of life of Los Angeles gangs:
 
“you stand with the least likely to succeed until success is succeeded by something more valuable: kinship.  You stand with the belligerent, the surly, and the badly behaved until bad behavior is recognized for the language it is: the vocabulary of the wounded and of those whose burdens are more than they can bear.”
 
For many years I worked with local domestic violence programs.  I have also worked in prisons with very violent men.  I have certainly met those for whom I did not find a way to create a safe enough space for them to share the pain beneath the anger. I have also met and worked for/with those who wanted help letting go of their abusive behavior and dealing with the underlying pain.    Many of my friends who are also my colleagues have specialized in helping men who have been violent towards those they love reclaim themselves.
 
I have also worked for/with spouses and children of those who are living with domestic violence.  When nothing else worked I have helped many connect with the local shelter or find another safe place. 
 
I always assume that barring untreatable mental illness and other diseases affecting the brain that change is not only possible but that if shown the way - if given the support  - we can all reach deep within ourselves and heal our wounds.    I “know” that there is a kind, loving person there desperate for loving connection. 
 
It is also worth knowing that even in the age of Covid-19  counselors are working and many, including me, will see a person for the amount they can afford to pay if they do not have insurance which covers the cost.
 
None of us are ever just angry, violent people.  We can be angry, even violent, and a great parent and thoughtful partner.  If however we cannot let go of the anger the damage will drown the desire to be a loving parent and spouse/partner.
 
Let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater.
 
Written April 28, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The walking wounded
 
The good news is that we are all human.  The bad news is that we are all human.  The good news is that parents are human.  The bad news is that parents are human.  The good news is that children are human.  The bad news is that children are human.
 
I was reminded this morning that most children, especially when very young, are very self-centered.  When something positive happens in their tiny world it is because of them.  When something negative happens it is because of them.  If mom or dad are in a bad mood, suddenly absent or in a good mood, it is “obviously” because of who the child is or what the child did or did not do.   If we do not know better we continue to make the same assumption as adults.   If someone is unkind, distant, mean or even abusive in some way we assume it is because of what we said or did – intentionally or unintentionally.   Later we may find out that the person was sick or going through some very stressful time; that they were simply unable to be present in a loving or kind way.
 
Of course, it would be very helpful if we could always let other people know what was going on with us so they knew that our behavior was not about them even if it affected them.    We would not have to say exactly what was going on but simply that it has nothing to do with them.   That would require that we had previously established a trusting relationship with them.
 
Sometimes, of course, it is our intention to be very hurtful to others because it may seems as if they are responsible for our emotional or physical pain.  We may be determined to ensure that they hurt as much as we do.  At some level we know  they reacted from a wounded place within them which was touched by our action or the action of someone else.   When we inflict emotional or physical pain on them, the new pain is piled on top of the old pain. 
 
In recent years the members of a church in Charleston, South Carolina quickly forgave the young man who  shot people in the church.   Following the shooting at a synagogue in Pittsburgh,  the members declared , “We will not respond to hate with hate.  We will respond with love.”    The author, William Young, in his novel The Shack, requires the dad of the little girl who was kidnapped, raped and killed to forgive the man who committed the horrible acts.   I found it telling that the book and later the movie were so popular.  As a society we are often very unforgiving of someone who rapes and kills a child.   At one level that is understandable.  After all, we feel responsible at some level since it is our job to protect our children.   Forgiving the person may mean we have to deal with our own guilt; it may mean we believe the God of our understanding allowed this terrible act to occur or it may  feel as we are condoning the killing and raping of children .  
 
There are a few people who so mentally ill they are unable to consider the needs or rights of others.  These few people may need to be in a secure place but not treated as criminals.  They simply have a malfunctioning brain.  They are a victim of that condition.
 
What if everyone is both a victim and a perpetrator?  What if our focus was on healing and protecting that child within us?   What if we were all taught from an early age that the behavior of others is not about us?  What if we all had the tools for healing that hurt child within us? What if we had the power to set safe boundaries.
 
We have all been the abused and the abuser.  We need to find a way to hold each other accountable but without punishing or judging.  Clearly there are consequences for hurtful behavior.  The end goal of that consequences could be healing for the one who is hurt and the one who did  the hurting. 
 
Written April 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 

Sunday Musings - April 26k 2020                                                                                                                                                                                         
Life on life’s terms
 
Most who know me are aware that I frequently work for/with those individuals and families who are struggling with addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, power and other people, places and things.   Often addictive behavior begins with a desire to avoid being with ourselves.  Few of us have learned what Stephen Batchelor has entitled his book, The Art of Solitude.   Those using a 12 step program or some other contemplative program to reclaim themselves and, thus will be told they have to learn to face life on life’s terms.  They will also be told that if they want to have a healthy relationship with others they must first have a healthy relationship with themselves.   Many arriving at recovery’s doorstep, have spent a lifetimes  avoiding being alone with their emotions and thoughts.  Their experience is that when they attempt to be alone with themselves they are alone with self -doubt, fear, all the criticisms and hurtful acts, mistakes and slights they have experienced to date.   This lovely man with whom I was sitting and speaking the other day told me about the 45 plus years of shame and guilt which has haunted him; about the voices he has needed to silence with alcohol and other drugs.    When he was by himself he was never alone; he never experienced solitude.   He brought with him the legion of those who had told him in word and deed that he was not worth loving; that he was merely an object to be used and discarded. He did not know how to access the emotional and ethical intelligence or perhaps how to trust what Stephen Batchelor  calls our emotional and intellectual intelligence.  I am fascinated by  the fact this very same man could tell his child or even another adult that they are not responsible for the abuse of someone else; they cannot cause other person to behave in a certain manner; the person who is abused needs loved and protected.    That very same voice would say to a person who has been abused, “You stumbled on a way of taking care of yourself which worked temporarily for a time even if it did result in behavior which brought new layers of shame and guilt.”  My experience is that most of us, although not all of us, have access to this wise part of our voice.   That part of our brain knows that it is safe to be with that hurt person and to do what Pema Chodron calls “holding them in the cradle of loving kindness”.
 
When we cannot access that wise voice for ourselves we never get to experience solitude.  We experience loneliness.   Dealing with life on life’s terms in this time of sheltering in place because of covid-19 means, for many depression, loneliness, fear and shame. 
 
Stephen Batchelor when talking about the art of solitude talks about “refining our ethical intelligence.  It has to do with refining our capacity to see where our impulses are coming from, to what extent these impulses are just driven by conditioning and habit and fear, and to what extent we can somehow open up a nonreactive space within us from which we can respond to the world – respond to our own needs, too – but in a way that’s not driven by familiar habit patterns, which are often rooted in attachment and fear and other things. So solitude, the practice of solitude, is the practice of creating an inward autonomy without ourselves, an inward freedom from the power of these overwhelming thoughts and emotions.”
 
Solitude then become that ability to be with us as we were before we learned shame, fear and to take on the issues of others.   As we let go of these lies about us and our worth; as we accept our own humanness and the fact that we have done the best we could with the tools in our spiritual, emotional and intellectual tool boxes we are free to embrace ourselves.
 
The paradox is, as Mr. Batchelor and many others have reminded us, once we can be just with ourselves and not all those other critical voices – we are able to be with others without anger, shame, or fear.
We are able to deal with life on life’s terms.   The move from fear and loneliness to solitude is often a painful, rocky one but one which can lead to a joyful and contented peace with oneself and the world.
 
Written April 26, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 

​Who is listening?
 
I have been sharing the healing journey of individuals,  families and organizations for nearly 50 years and I have  not yet learned how to know how well I listened and if I “heard” what was essential or important.   Often those who I think are making great strides in  returning themselves to themselves are the ones who may suddenly quit coming and then experience a setback which may for some ends in death. On the other hand,  those who I fear are not moving forward in their journey  often end up being the strongest and healthiest role models in their community.  I never know whether I have done or said anything which was helpful.   Occasionally I get a note, a phone call or an email informing me that something I said or did - perhaps something I did not say or do  -  was the one word or statement which connected the dots for a person, couple or organization.    Yesterday I received an email from someone I saw in 2012.  Today he has achieved goals he did not think possible including his dream job and his dream partner.
 
This morning I replied  to a long email form a person who indicated that nothing I have been saying or doing is lessening their pain.  Not only does this  person have the pain she had the first time we communicated, but she now has the pain of feeling she has not been heard by me.   Right after that I had a text from someone who assured me that many years ago when she was feeling unheard and was also a very angry person another part of her brain was registering an alternative reality which I had suggested she consider.  I had no way of knowing this.
 
Soon it will be spring here in Wheeling, WV and I will plant seeds and some young plants.  Some will survive and some will not.   I  will have no way of knowing which was which.  I will not be able to take any credit or blame if I carefully do my part in correctly planting each according to directions.  This is equally true of all the people I will encounter today and the days to follow.    Whether it is seeing individuals in my professional role,  making an effort to leave a smile with a store clerk, playing it forward with the person behind me in the  line at the grocery store  or telling a parent who is caring for children what a good job he or she is doing, I never know what a difference it makes.   Likewise when I get self-absorbed and do none of those actions, I have no idea of what negative impact that had on others and all those with whom he or she interacts.
 
It is not my place or job to know how much difference – positive or negative – I will make in the lives of all those I  encounter today.  It is my place or my job to be very intentional about listening with love and acting with love with all I encounter.  I am responsible for planting seeds, watering them, keeping the weeds from taking all the nutrients and doing what I can to protect them.
 
Written April 24, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org\
 
 
 
 
 

​Our life. An opera?    
 
All of us have worked with, perhaps lived with, or  attended school with individuals who seem to be able to accept life on life’s terms with aplomb.   They may experience and express surprise, disappointment, sadness or even hurt.   They give off the impression they know they will do what needs to be done and move on with life in a confident and overall positive manner.  We also know those individuals who experience many life events with over the top emotions – positive and negative.  They seem to be auditioning for an operatic performance sans grand costume, orchestra and amazing singing talent. 
 
Personally, I love attending a professional opera performance.  It happens that I live near a city which hosts one of the top opera companies in the country and perhaps the world.   Whenever I have an opportunity I attend their performances.
 
For the most part the story line of most operas is not in and of itself interesting.  In most famous, classical operas, greed, jealously, power and sadistic plots dominate.  If one was just interested in the story the opera is portraying one merely has to observe much of the day to day life of teenagers and a segment of the adult population.
 
By definition an opera is a dramatic composition in which all parts are sung and accompanied by an orchestra.  The singing  includes arias, choruses and recitatives (spoken passages) .  A musical play, on the other hand is usually singing plus dialogue.  
 
The distinction between a modern opera and a musical might be a bit narrower than with classical opera.  Some might have been lucky enough to attend performances of modern operas such as Nixon in China,  Powder Her Face, Atalanta, Dead Men Walking, Jackie O:  The Opera or Alice in Wonderland.
 
Personally I love opera.   I love the sets, the costumes and the singing.  It does not matter that I might not be able to understand the words although I try to be familiar with the work prior to attending.  Often the words are projected on a screen during production.    If I had to just listen to or watch the story I would get bored pretty quickly.   The dramas which unfolds in the lives of we humans are not very creative or interesting.   The same stories have been unfolding since the arrival of we humans and probably before.
 
Yet it seems that many of us humans  seem to think that if we dramatize our life events others will find them as interesting as they do.   Not so!   In and of themselves our stories are not very interesting or nearly as dramatic  and original as we might think.
 
It seems as if some of us early in life learn to trust our emotions to tell us how to experience our stories.   If our emotions tell us that some event is a big deal, some task is overwhelming, or that we are fragile and “just cannot handle life on life’s terms” we believe the emotion and, thus create a self-fulfilling prophecy. One then feels a need to share this “opera” sans orchestra, costume, staging and amazing singing talent with whoever can be cornered or trapped into listening.   I am sure all the readers will have experienced being thusly trapped.  A few might have noticed themselves as the star opera performer.
 
Often those living with the disease of addiction, anxiety or depression  may not have learned to differentiate between the performance at the Met in New York and their personal stories sans music, singing, costume and staging.    Without realizing what they are doing they reinforce the operatic intensity/passion of their life experience and “just cannot handle life on life’s terms”.   They then attempt to recruit unpaid cast member in this dully presented opera.
 
If one must share an operatic version of their life dance I do hope one remember to hire an orchestra, obtain grand costumes,  create an amazing set and perfect the talent of  a Jessie Norman or a Luciano Pavarotti.    The alternative is to remember that we are well equipped to handle life on life terms; to remember as the author Richard Carlson reminds us,  Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It Is All Small Stuff.       
 
Written April 23, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickettt.org
                       
 
 
 
 

​Inclusion and health care
 
Two events this week, seemingly unrelated,  reminded me of the necessity of always thinking in terms of systems.   An oft repeated phrase comes to mind “Nothing happens in isolation.”    Many wise people have spoken and written about what Paul says in 1st Corinthians “We are many parts but one body.”   Likewise we are one planet, universe(s), community, state, nation, association of nations with many parts. 
 
I often remind myself and those for/with whom I work that every action (inaction is also an action) affects the entire universe.  
 
Usually I  read the local newspaper on line while eating my breakfast.  Reading the local newspaper is one of the means I have for staying connected to the local community.    I also get notices on various social media sites and from friends and colleagues which keep me posted on what is happening and what I need to do to fulfill my role as citizen and neighbor.   A digital version of the newspaper containing the main stories,  obituaries, and editorials has been available for free.  This week I discovered I could read the abstracts of the front page articles and the names of those who died as well as the list of editorials including the beginning sentence or two but access to the entire article, obituary, or editorial was limited to those who have a paid subscription at a minimal cost of $20,00 a month for the digital version ($5.99 for the first month).   I do, of course, know that print and digital newspapers have been financially struggling for some time.   Many people get their news elsewhere and advertise elsewhere.  I also understand that unlike public radio which gets some help  from government bodies and has donor fund raising drives, newspapers are dependent on selling subscriptions, advertising and notices such as obituaries.    I know we live in a capitalist society ; when expenses exceed income something has to change.  The owner of the newspaper expects and needs to make a profit.  Thus, although I have not budgeted $225.99 to pay for a subscription that is what I must do if I want to use the newspaper to help me function as a member of the community.    I could also, in non-pandemic times, read the newspaper at the local public library.  I have options even though I would have to make some adjustments to exercise those options.    For many, however, an extra $225.99 a year or finding time daily to go to the library is not an option.   
 
I found myself wondering why the owner of this newspaper and his board were making this decision at this time.  While I appreciate the fact that advertising revenue might be down and daily newspaper sales might be down during this time of shelter in place, it seems as if the timing is designed to further isolate a certain segment of the population.   Of course, I may sound paranoid.  It is possible that the systemic effects of the timing of the action were not considered.
 
The second event which was designed to remind me that none of us exist in isolation was the guest appearance of my friend and colleague, Dr. Marvin Mcgowan on the Pittsburgh television program, The Lynne Hayes-Freeman show.   Dr. Mcgowan is a physician at Central Outreach Wellness Center in Pittsburgh.   Dr. Mcgowan reminded Ms. Hayes-Freeman that there are many social determinants of health. This is  true in the time of Covid-19.   A large number of factors affects the overall health of an individual and specifically how the immune system of the body functions or does not functions in the presence of temporary and chronic stress (one can google that interview).  The social determinants for health include access to health care, the neighborhood in which one lives, economics of the individual, family and community, education and educational systems, access to healthy food, nicotine and other drug use, health of relationships, structural racism, discrimination, sexual orientation, gerrymandering, access to gyms and a host of other factors.     All these and more factors  either add to or decrease the stress on individual, family and community systems.  This accumulated stress affects both the messages sent out to the immune system and the rest of the body and the corresponding messages sent back to the brain which in turn affects the messages sent to the rest of the body by the immune system.  Obviously well-functioning immune systems are necessary to fight Covid-19 and other pathogens.
 
Some of the most thorough studies of the effects of chronic stress have been done on those living or serving in combat areas.  The studies demonstrate how the various organs and all parts of the body very predictably and systematically break down as a result of chronic stress until eventually the entire system breaks down.
 
Our body is a system.  Our family is a system.  Our community is a system. Our state is a system.  Our nation is a system.  Our planet is a system.  Our universe(s) is/are a system.  Health care exists as part of a system.    All systems are interactional. This is basic math; basic science; basic morality.   “Nothing happens in isolation.”
 
Written April 22, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Empathy
 
I have previously written about the fact that it is impossible to put ourselves in the shoes of another whose experience is different than our own.    Recently I wrote about the dismantling of homeless camps by representative of the city of Wheeling, WV.   The reasons given includes the fact there is  disorderly behavior by some, criminal activity by some and creating and leaving a mess by some.   I was reading some comments on the Facebook page of the Wheeling Intelligencer this morning.   Some who left comments think  criminal activity, creating a mess, and disorderly conduct as undesirable behavior which simply needs to stop.  Obviously, many city officials and many others in the community, including some of those responsible for caring for those who are homeless, seem unable to imagine that any of those whose homes are being destroyed could include their friends and relatives.   Some seem unable to imagine that tomorrow or later today they too could be one of those homeless people who are creating a mess,  breaking laws by taking what they need from others or engaging in disorderly conduct.    Understandably, none of us like to think that we are that vulnerable; that we could lose our ability to think well enough to care for ourselves or to have the funds to care for ourselves. Even in the midst of a pandemic when millions of people in this and other countries have lost the ability to pay their rent/mortgage, buy groceries, make a car payment, or pay for auto and home insurance  none of us like to think that we could be part the community of homeless creating an encampment without running water, central heat, indoor plumbling;  without access to our refrigertors and a ready supply of ice cubes.  
 
None of us like to think that our drinking could get out of control as we sink into hopelessness and powerlessness; that our brain could sink into clinical depression, panic attacks, or even delusional thinking.    Most of us like to think we have free will which allows us to make healthy decisions no matter what the circumstances.  We like to think that we control our ability to share a reality with “healthy” people.
 
We want to think the way  our individual minds perceive and process reality must, of course, be reality.   It is very difficult to accept that  what seems obvious to us is not obvious to everyone else.
 
Empathy is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as “The ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Today, at this moment, I know that feelings do not necessarily connect me with a shared reality.   It seems obvious that my feelings are only a slice of my reality.    On a cognitive level I know that there is a tiny line between my shared reality and the potential of a delusional reality.  I am not in control of that line as much as I like to believe that I am.  
 
Empathy – understanding and sharing the reality of others – is not a possibility.  Allowing for that fact might then allow for the possibility that I can forego judgement of those whose reality is not shared with mine.  I might be willing to imagine how I would want to be treated when/if I am living in an encampment for the homeless; I might be willing to hear the stories of the fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, nieces, nephew, grandparents, and neighbors whose home  is in the encampments which are being destroyed. 
 
Perhaps we would be better served if we let go of the delusion of empathy.  Perhaps that would be a more humane starting point in communicating with our brothers and sister in the encampments for the homeless.
 
Written April 21, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 

​Human Purpose
 
It is interesting that us humans are always searching for a sense of purpose or attempting to prove that we have a purpose.   It seems most of us  are encouraged to:
 

• Decide what one wants to be when he or she reaches adulthood.  This is generally a question about profession.   
• Discover how to be better than, more than, better looking than, smarter than, or richer than.
• Control our emotions and/or be very gender specific about doing so.
• Look for some esoteric purpose for our life journey.

 
Many of us spend our life journey doing all we can to be more than being us.   We cannot envision or entertain the possibility that the simplest flower, the smallest insect, the seemingly unenlightened animal or fish is more spiritually evolved that the human with several graduate degrees in theology or those who has spent years meditating, contemplating, or otherwise searching for the meaning of life.
 
Social scientists continue to spend  time asking and researching our basis nature.  “Are we social creature or are we meant to be more independent?  Are we the only creature who have a sophisticated language? 
 
Certainly we are the only creatures who build skyscrapers.  We are the only beings on this planet who create vehicles which can carry us to the moon.  No other creatures seems to be have central heating, air conditioners and skilled worker to keep them functioning.  Any of us could easily write down a long list of inventions or creations which only humans have created.   We clearly are, in many respects, very advanced.   Yet, we continue to search for happiness; for some way to  shut down these over active minds.  We have refined such practices as Yoga, Tai Chi, other martial arts, retreats, and a host of others to help us attain a sense of peace/contentment.  We make alcohol and other drugs which can temporality take us out of  ourselves.   We have religious rituals and dogma which purport to prepare us for the time that follows this life journey.
 
Since the beginning of recorded history we have had teachers who have suggested that the simplest bird or blade of grass has all the wisdom we need for this life journey.  The blade of grass is seemingly very happy being a blade of grass growing, dying, reacting to and with the rest of nature.   I often listen to flowers in my small garden.  I have yet to hear any of them complaining that other flowers are prettier, more valuable or more important.   I have yet to hear the yellow rose saying they want to be red or white,  I never hear the chickens saying they want to be cows.  Seemingly they are perfectly happy being exactly who they are for whatever time they exist.  
 
Perhaps our purpose is to be more fully us; to embrace and enjoy this life journey as the humans we are with various emotions, talents, and abilities.  Some of us are not very social.  Some of us function better in community.  Some of us play music.  Some of us design and build buildings.  Some of us do well as physicians and other health care workers.   Some of us need lots of assistance and some of us do well with limited assistance.    Some of us are amazing parents and some of us are better suited for other roles.
 
All of us will have a relatively brief life span and then die.   No exceptions.    We will either be miserable attempting to prove our worth and, in the process, make all we encounter miserable or we will embrace being the best us we can be.  Some of us will insist that this is too simple.  Some of us will smile and continue our very simple dance.
 
Written April 20, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org