In my previous blog I talked about the H of the HOW of the 12 step program– the honesty. Today I want to address my understanding of the O of the HOW of the program – the open mindedness.
In The Big Book Sponsorship Guide it suggests that the sponsor put the following question to the person he/she is sponsoring: “Open mindedness: Will you lay aside any prejudices, experience the program and access the results for yourself (yes-no)?”
This is basically the same question which I “hear” Jesus asking the disciples; which my Buddhist teacher guides me to ask; which every philosopher and other teacher I have studied has suggested. They are all asking whether I have the courage to identify and begin the process of temporarily suspending all the “truths” I have learned about myself, others and the world. I know that at an early age, I had already internalized truths based on size, race, gender, age, nationality and many other artificial differences. I did not learn that I was supposed to question what others were telling me, but some of the time I did question what others were telling me. Actually, another, less active part of me, wanted to openly question much of what I was being told, particularly about other people. Thus, I know for a fact that by age 5 I had already amassed a host of “labels” which I could apply to people and situations. At a very young age, I knew that these labels were limited at best and often hurtful at their worst. Knowing that there was something “wrong” did not stop me from using them on myself or others in a very negative manner. I “knew” that being attracted to people of the same sex was wrong. I knew that being part Native American was not something I wanted to share. I knew that when my mother said that “those people were just as good as we were as long as they stayed on their side of the tracks,” that it was very strange that the tracks divided the good people or worthwhile people from the less worthwhile people.
I learned many “facts/truths” about women; about very specific people, about my own lack of worth; about “those people!” “Those people” were always “not us.” They were a different color, had more or less money, drank and fell down in public, were not “American. …” The list was and is endless. In the midst of this I remember being told that I was to “think for myself” but every time I did, I was told that I was bad or wrong.
Much later, I found out that others were also filled with fear and anxiety because of the prejudices they had learned about themselves and others. It made sense to me that we humans would try to find ways to avoid thinking about issues which provoked such anxiety and fear. I learned to lose myself in books. I also believed that if I got enough education people would begin to love and respect me (at least respect me). Education became my addictive behavior. It was also what I enjoyed and it did not seem to hurt others unless I got so immersed in studying that I ignored the humans’ cries all around me.
When I began to study philosophy in college, for the first time I was rewarded for questioning all the previously learned “truths.” I did not, however, question the “truths” I had learned about myself even though my world view did expand.
I did not have a sponsor, but I had wonderful mentors and teachers who constantly challenged me to “lay aside any prejudices, experience the program, and access the results for yourself.” In my case, the program was not the 12-step program, although I was introduced to it by one of my mentors. The program was the graduate course which did nothing except question the definition of justice; it was the time I spent with the Tlingit Chief, David, questioning what it meant to be a man; it was the time I spent in therapy questioning how much of myself I was running from; it was the time I spent writing papers as part of the racial justice committee asking how I learned to be racist (not whether I had, but how ….).
My Buddhist teachers have invited me to just notice, without judging myself, how often I label myself and others and to practice being present without the use of those labels or without justifying the use of those labels.
When I began to more seriously study the 12-step program because I was referring others to it, I was told about the “O” in the HOW of the program. I would attend meetings in which someone would read something which started that the only requirements for membership was a desire to stop using or to find a new way of life; that they did not care what or how much one had used, who one’s connections were, what color or race or age or gender or sexual orientation one was; just whether one wanted to explore a new way to live. To me that meant letting go of the ego; letting go of the labels I use to limit myself and others.
In my mind, the invitation to be open minded is an invitation to open oneself to exploring another way of taking care of oneself; another way of being present (or just being present). For me learning is only possible when I have the courage to be open to new ways of looking at myself and the world. Whether it is the steps of the 12-step program or some other system of beliefs, I have the opportunity and the freedom of just being present as me. The danger is, of course, that we let go of one set of beliefs only to allow ourselves to be imprisoned by another set of beliefs. That is why the sponsor suggests that one “access the results for yourself” and not just accept someone’s word.
In the next blog I will explore my understanding of the third part of this trinity – the W or willingness of the HOW of the 12 step program.
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