The H” of the How

For many years I have been in awe of the wisdom contained in the seemingly simple 12 step program. Although I have not officially been a member of any 12 step group, as a person who is on a healing journey and a counselor/therapist who works for/with individuals and families dealing with various addictions, I have often attended meetings and been the beneficiary of the wisdom of those experiencing the miracles of the program.

Often, others who are working a 12 step program,  tell me that one of the first assignments given them by their sponsor is “to write on the HOW of the 12 step program.”  The HOW refers to “honesty, open mindedness and willingness”.   The primary challenge of the honesty part of this trinity is  finding the courage and the faith to be honest with who one is as a human.  We humans seem to have a terrible time accepting that it is enough to be who we are;  that it is enough  to be on a journey of learning/growing spiritually.  The assumption of this program is  that we have not yet arrived; that we are far from God like or Buddha like or Allah like.   At some level we all know that we are far from perfect; that we make mistakes, are hurtful to ourselves and others, and often have thoughts or act in a way which is not consistent with being who we would like people to think that we are.

My favorite master teacher, the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, tells the story of  “losing it” with her 6 year old granddaughter who she adores.   This child,  no matter how much she is adored,  interrupts the normal routine of this woman  who typically spends many hours a day alone meditating. Her system is not used to being  stimulated as only a healthy, active six year can do.  Pema has to admit to herself that she is not only losing it with this child, but that she finds herself having thoughts of bargaining with this child, “Don’t tell anyone about grandma.”  Grandma, after all, is a famous teacher who writes and speaks to millions of people about learning to be lovingly present.  Yet, here she is losing it. What will this do to her credibility is obviously a question some part of her mind is asking? What if people knew that she was so inept at dealing with this six year old? Would people still want to come hear her or buy her books or CDs?  These are old questions which come out of her internal file cabinet. That part of her struggles with being enough. She knows, however,  that if she is going to grow spiritually she has to be honest about losing it and she needs to practice  sharing who she really is as a human.  She is not this Buddha like or Christ like or Allah like person.  Yet, she is more advanced than many of us in that she is daily practicing being honest with who she is as distinct from who she wants to be or who she  is on her way to becoming.  Today she can be more honest with how human she is.

One of the ways which our lack of honesty affects others is our tendency as humans to judge others because we need to think we are better than, more spiritually advanced than, more moral than, more Christian or Buddhist or Muslin or Hindu or ……

One of the steps of the 12 step program asks that one make a “searching and fearless written moral history of yourself.”  The  step following that one asks one to share this moral history with another person who is often a sponsor.  The reaction of the sponsor is a very important part of the process.  The sponsor’s job is to listen without judgment and, if the sponsor is honest, identify with what the person is telling him/her.  The fact is that nothing the person has said, done or thought is worse than what anyone else has said, done or thought.  When we avoid ourselves by finding some way to numb ourselves or to try earning our worth  (getting one more degree or the corner office or a bigger house) it is because we have some fear about facing who we are.  What we find when we do begin to be more honest with ourselves and with another person is that we are not unusual or special or worse then.  The job of the sponsor, the teacher or spiritual leader is not to judge,  but to encourage the person to be accountable for the ways he/she can hurt themselves and others.  The person never shames or judges the person sharing their moral history.

Sometimes, for those of us who believe in a higher power, we even think we are hiding our true self from our higher power. We may try convincing ourselves and our higher power that something or someone else is to blame for our behavior rather than accepting it is simply a part of us; a part of our humanness.

The paradox is, of course, that the more we are able to accept our humanness, the more we are able to be present to the core of who  we are  - a loving, non-judgmental, embracing human who longs to be unconditionally loved and to love unconditionally.  On the other hand,  the more we shame ourselves and punish ourselves the more we run. When we are running we do not, as Maslow the famous psychologist would say, have the luxury of considering the needs of others or considering how our behavior affects the whole of creation.

Although  honestly implies open mindedness and willingness in future blogs I will write about my understanding of the other parts of this trinity.

Blog- August 29, 2014

The Language of Healing

Language has always been a favorite subject of mine; how it is used or not used to communicate with others and with ourselves.  

It is curious that, at some level, we are aware of talking to ourselves, but seldom seem to be intentional about what the “I”  says to the other parts of self.  Another way of saying this is that we do not ”hear”  our internal conversation.  Often my work as a coach or therapist is to simply actively reflect back to the other person what I hear him or her saying. 

We humans often seem unable to remember that the words we use act as directives from the brain; instruction as to how the rest of the body will function.  We may, for example label something as “terrible” rather than a nuisance. If we label an event as terrible we send  a messages to the body to focus our energy on reacting to this “terrible” event.  The body is now tensing up to fight or protect itself from this event or situation we have labeled as terrible.  If we hold that position for any length of time, the body becomes acutely stressed.  We may begin to experience physical symptoms of that stress.  If this happens with any regularity, we may then go to the doctor who prescribes medication for the symptoms. That medication may help, but if we keep labeling events as terrible we keep repeating the process until our body begin to break down  to such an extent that it cannot repair itself.

It is also important to remember that the body is constantly sending signals/messages to the brain which the brain then uses to decide what orders to give the body.  Simply, it is an interactional system.

There is no denying that some events are very sad or require immediate action. For example, if I notice that the house is on fire, it is important that that I and others are out of the house as quickly as possible. We must also call the fire department if we are in a geographical area where that is an option.  Is this a crisis?  No.  Is it a nuisance?  Yes. Is it sad? Yes!  It is especially sad if I have lost all family photos and/or if I have no insurance  and no money to rent or buy another place.   One could give many other examples of events or situations which require quick action but which we do not need to label as terrible or as a  crisis. 

We all know people who experience much of their life as one ongoing crisis after another.  If one  suggests to these people  that just relabeling events as a nuisance will have a significant impact on one’s physical, emotional and spiritual health,  those same persons may be highly offended because they think we are discounting their symptoms.

Throughout my professional career I have often wondered why some people can endure events  such as combat and stay relatively healthy. Others experience events which were , in my mind, much less stressful  and end up very unhealthy.     What is the difference?  The difference seems to be how folks label events and whether they focus only on the negatives.   Soldiers, nurses, doctors and others  who end up emotionally scarred, but relatively healthy consistently report: (1) they do not use drugs or alcohol to relax since that would put them at more risk since they might not be able to respond to a situation which requires immediate action; and (2) when they have a moment they take time to experience a sunset, a moment with a friend, a letter or email from home, a decent meal or something else positive/enjoyable. 

It is interesting and noteworthy that every major spiritual program or system talks about the need to practice being present in the moment without all the labeling or chatter in our brain. The more we are able to just be present and to respond in a calm, rational manner, the more we will feel  at peace and, not surprisingly, the better our physical health.

I suggest that all of us be more aware of how we are labeling ourselves and events which we encounter. If we notice that we are labeling in a negative manner much of the time then we might experiment with simply changing the label.  We may not notice any immediate  significant change in how we feel, but I can promise you that, over time, you will notice that life is more enjoyable and that your body is giving you fewer signals that it is overworked or over stressed.

A friend and colleague of mine, Dr. Becky Johnen (check out our blog) who is graciously acting as a proofreader and editor for the blog articles questioned  whether I needed to give an example of what event or situation would constitute a crisis. Crisis is a Greek word “krisis” which generally defined as “any event which is expected to lead to an unstable or dangerous situation affecting an individual, group, community or whole society.” (Wiktionary)  In another place crisis is defined as “a situation of a complex system when the system requires immediate action but the causes of the dysfunction are not known”.  When we do not know the cause of a situation it is difficult to formulate a plan of action. We humans like the illusion of believing that we have a modicum of control and can predict that if action A is taken it will result in B.   For example if I regularly have my car serviced I am not likely to have a breakdown or if I get regular  health checkups and take care of myself I am not likely to be surprised by some advanced stage of an illness. Certainly, there is value in doing preventive care whether it is to a house, person, or machine such as a car.  On the other hand, no amount of preventive action will guarantee that I will never have to deal with a situation which was not expected. 

Technically the word crisis is a perfectly appropriate and useful term to use to describe certain situations. The problem arises because of our history of getting anxious or going into panic mode when we label an event or situation as a crisis.  

From a mental health and a spiritual perspective I  know or believe that I will get through whatever situation presents itself.  I will formulate some response  even if the response  is to get away from the situation.  As I look back over my 74 years of life I cannot think of any situation or event with which I did not cope.  At the time of the event or situation I might have become very anxious and felt as if I could not cope or something terrible would happen if I could repair or fix a situation.  The truth is I got through all of them and I am sitting here typing.  Certainly, I have made decisions which had many negative consequences, but I always learned something.   My spiritual teacher suggests that I practice just noticing what I am observing with myself.  If a term I use causes anxiety or other symptoms of extreme stress then I may want to just notice my action and consider stopping the chatter.  The chatter is often something on the order of, “This is terrible.  I cannot deal with this. Something terrible will happen if I do not make the right  decision.”   If I simply notice the situation or my reaction to it without any of the labeling or chatter I can then make the best possible decision about how to react to it. I know, however, if I get so stressed or anxious that I cannot think clearly I will not be able to make a decision.  Obviously, I want to be alert enough to be present and notice the situation without becoming acutely anxious or panicky. 

In future blogs I will explore in more detail how labeling affects the various parts of the body.  For now, the suggestion is to be simply a little more aware of  how each of us uses labels. The goal is not to label ourselves for labeling, but simply to notice, without judgment, how often we use positive or negative labels.