Balancing the budgets
 
Most of us know how to balance a financial budget although many may experience a deficit balance much of the time.   This is especially true of some of the unemployed who do not qualify for the stimulus bonus or whose unemployment amount is so small that even with the stimulus bonus is not enough to meet essential expenses.  There are also those who do not qualify for any unemployment checks and those who continue to work for minimum wage. Others who have worked hard and have retirement benefits are living with a stock market which daily or even hourly fluctuates.   Knowing how to balance the financial budget does not mean one is able to do so.
 
There is another budget when many have a difficult time balancing even though they know full well the basics of doing so. This is the energy budget.   This was often tough even before covid-19 arrived to add not only financial hardships but increased responsibility as daily child care provider, at home teacher, chief entertainment officer, chief cook for 3 meals a day and tending to the symptoms of strained nerves while shelter at home orders keep away potential physical and emotional support.  There are     amany families who have or had one or more sick members or even had to face the death of a loved one without the in-person support of family and friends. If one felt compelled to watch or read about the news one might have the visceral experience of hearing the hiss of the last bit of air sucked out of one.  On top of that if one had a sick family member and a significant co-pay or deductible (assuming one even had health insurance) there was additional stress.   A financial deficit can, for many, also means an emotional, physical and spiritual deficit. 
 
One could easily see that a there may be more emotional, physical and spiritual energy going out than is coming in.   Symptoms of a such a deficit might be physical exhaustion, anger, taking behavior of others personally, triggering of PTSD symptoms, intestinal issues, poor appetite, changes in nutrition, increased caffeine and alcohol use and the worsening of pre-existing medical conditions.
 
Clearly it is time for the family to gather and brainstorm ways of balancing the energy budget.  One might be surprised at the creativity of adults and children once they begin to own and address the deficit.  Suggestions might include
 
•   Power off times - no television, smart phones, or other devices
•   Bring out the board games.
•   An outdoor picnic if weather and space permits.
•   An indoor picnic - bring all the house plants together and gather the picnic supplies.
•   Finger painting or other creative times.
•   Family discussion about the emotional, physical and spiritual budgets.
•   Physical exercise or even chair yoga if some family members are physically challenged.
•   Communicate with friends via zoom or other apps, face time, email.
•   Laughter, laughter and more laughter.
•   Family discussions about reducing financial budget issues.
•   Limited news.
•   Time out to nurture oneself.
•   Recognizing symptoms and calling a family meeting for support.
•   Permission, if space permits or safe outdoor space permits, to have “I am not doing humans.” for the next two hours or other agreed upon time period.’
•   If religion or spiritual practices are part of family customs be intentional about sharing such time.  For example, share spiritual intentions daily with each other.  Keep such intentions simple and achievable.   For example, one friend decided that her spiritual intention was to be fully present to savor a cup of coffee for 15 minutes.

The mere recognition that all budgets have to be balanced or approximate balance as much as possible can initiate the process of moving closer to balanced budgets.

Written June 30, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

 Sunday Musings - June 28, 2020
All except​

Although I begin each day inviting myself to be present and attempting to do so without judgment or expectations, Sundays invite me to gather all the emotions and thoughts of the preceding week and more intentionally weave them into the fabric of who I am.
 Yesterday Carnegie Museums of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania invited us back.  One had to make a reservation, commit to wearing a mask and maintain social distance.  There were also signs on interactive or normally touchable exhibits to refrain from touching.   This felt safe and seemed to work well.  

One of the exhibits was entitled “On Contested Terrain” by Vietnamese photographer An-My Lê.  My experience of her work was being invited to view the humanity of all those involved in every war and war related experience against the backdrop of what has been present long before the conflicts and will be present long after them.   I was struck by the titles which also invited one to view the whole from a new perspective. 

Additionally, for the third or fourth time I visited the exhibit featuring some of the works of the Pittsburgh journalist and photographer, “Tennie” Harris.  He viewed Pittsburgh, particularly the Pittsburgh of those identified as black and, thus, subject to all that racism and survival entails.  Many of his photographs seem to say “We are here, and we are choreographing our dance among and in the midst of your walls.

On this Sunday morning I am reminded of another dance, that of Jean Och, a local artist (and long time friend) whose life dance was ended after a span of 90 years when she was struck by an automobile while she was jaywalking; perhaps sketching a new painting; not paying close attention to the traffic.

Yet another dance which comes to the forefront of my mind today are of those who believe that they live in a vacuum which should allow them while living in the midst of the visit of covid-19 to move about without masks and not having to practice social distance.  Some of these would use violence to assert their right to potentially infect  others.

A final dance which is in the forefront of my thoughts and weighs heavy on my heart this Sunday is that of a recently defrocked priest Henry Foxhoven who is serving 9 years in prison for “3 counts of sexual battery” He impregnated a 17-year-old young woman.   The news article I read was focused on his being defrocked by Pope Francis and Bishop Monforton.  I have no idea if Henry Foxhoven has a compulsive sexual addictive disorder, if he and the young woman fell in love and had consensual sex (arbitrary age of consent not withstanding) or anything else.  I have no idea of his demons or his historic understanding of the sacredness of all people regardless of age, gender, or other social constructs.   I hope that the hearts of Pope Francis, Bishop Monforton are heavy because they see this man and the young woman as sacred children of the God of their understanding; the same god who instructs to love your enemy; to judge lest you be judged; and advises those without sin to throw the first stone.

All of these life dances; all these reminders we are temporary caretakers of each other and Mother Earth; that our lack of faith in our own sacredness makes it possible to mouth a set of beliefs to which we daily make exceptions; to not judge except for; to love except for; to posit a God who makes exceptions; to think that one person, community, state, country or empire is more deserving of grace; more deserving of the resources of the universe; is more deserving of forgiveness.

As always, I use these observations to be more aware of how often I fall into the trap of acting as if I am more deserving; of acting as if I can be unaware of my white privilege; of acting as if I am in a position to be judgmental of those I perceive to be judgmental.  An-My Lê and the other dancers remind me to view and dance a larger reality. 
 
Written June 28, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 

​Refraining
 
Pema Chödrön in her book When Things Fall Apart talks about the very simple concept of refraining.  She says:
 
“Underneath our ordinary lives, underneath all the talking we do, all the moving we do, all the thoughts in our mind, there’s a fundamental groundlessness.  It’s there bubbling along all the time.  We experience it as restlessness and edginess. We experience it as fear. It motivates passion, aggression, ignorance, jealously, and pride, but we never get down to the essence of it.
 
Refraining is the method for getting to know the nature of this restlessness and fear. It’s a method for settling into groundlessness. If we immediately entertain ourselves by talking, by acting, by thinking-if there’s never any pause -we will never be able to relax.  We will always be speeding through our lives.  We will always be stuck with what my grandfather called the jitters. Refraining is a way of making friends with ourselves at the most profound level possible. We can begin to relate with what’s underneath the bubbles and burps and farts, all the stuff that comes and expresses itself as uptight, controlling, manipulative behavior or whatever it is.  Underneath all that, there’s something very soft, very tender, that we experience as fear or edginess.” (pp 32-33 in paperback edition)
 
Suggesting to myself and others that one just stop and breathe while noticing the chatter or activity without comments sounds very simple and yet, it can feel like the most difficult action one can imagine.
 
All of us who work on spiritual growth know that it can feel very unsettling and even fearful when we practice just being present to our feelings, We know that we can get temporary relief by engaging in some activity which allows one to avoid facing the discomfort of being with our feelings.  We may have engaged in such avoidance behavior for so long that our muscle memory automatically picks up the phone, googles a porn site, takes that drink, calls one’s drug connection, eats that chocolate, or calls that unhealthy person to make a date.  Perhaps we do something productive such as cleaning our home or cleaning out the closet.  Obviously, cleaning or cleaning out the closet are worthwhile activities but if we are doing them to avoid facing our fear or other uncomfortable feelings when we finish we still have the same uncomfortable feelings to face.  On the other hand, it may be that cleaning is a meditative activity which allows one to settle into the fear or other uncomfortable feelings.
 
As is true for most individuals there are mornings when I arise feeling very comfortable being me. On those morning I engage in my normal routine of bathroom ablution, brewing coffee, doing emails and text messages for an hour or so before doing an hour or more of physical exercise.  Other mornings I drag myself out of bed not feeling at home in my body or my home.  If I refrain from feeding those feelings, I can then still set about doing my normal routine.  Normally, at some point I will slip into feeling at home in my body no matter what the underlying feelings.
 
We can only begin to experience the comfort of being grounded or at home with ourselves and in the world when we refrain from running or avoiding our discomfort.
 
I tell clients (and myself) that none of us are fragile.  No matter how fragile one feels, one has all the courage, strength and heart one needs to deal with whatever life present.    We may often need to remind ourselves of the wise reminder of “The Wizard of Oz”.  Dorothy merely had to click heels to get home to Kansas.  The lion already had courage; the scarecrow a brain,  and the tin man a heart.   We all have all we need to deal with life on life’s terms. Support from other is also helpful and is always available if we are open to it; sometimes from the most unexpected people.
 
Written June 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I feel silly​

The habits which we form early in life are very powerful.  Many of these habits are very useful. We learn how to feed and dress ourselves, how to attend to personal hygiene, to navigate in social situations and to perform many other tasks of daily living.  If lucky we also learn other skills which  become part of our muscle memory such as reading, writing, basic math, cooking, cleaning and others.  These prepare us to function as adults.  Sadly, many of us  also learn that it is not possible to trust or relax around others. Often if one goes to the doctor with these symptoms one is given a mental illness diagnosis and prescribed medication.   The medication may help to calm one’s anger and generalized anxiety and thus to function temporarily  in social situations.    If lucky one may be referred for counseling.  The counselor may teach one how to manage the symptoms.  They should also validate the anger, anxiety and distrust of people as necessary survival habits when one was a child or an adult living in emotionally unpredictable and/or abusive situations.
 
I often work for/with individuals in my counseling practice who have lived as children, adults or both with those whose own traumatic history, addiction or other mental illness did not allow them to be loving caretakers or otherwise safe.    Their mental illness symptoms may have led to explosive anger, name calling, and lack of ability to provide food or shelter or other necessities.  One may have needed to be constantly on high alert prepared to deal with the next explosive outburst or desertion.  Many with addiction or other mental illness are shameful and do not want others to know they cannot provide for or not safe for their children or their partner.  They therefore do all they can to isolate the individuals who are living with them.   

If very lucky the child or adult in those situations does not become addicted or develop other debilitating mental illness. They may be seemingly high, well-functioning professionals.  Even then they may remain anxious, frightened, often angry and distrustful of all others.   Their muscle memories tell them they are still helpless and living in an unsafe situations.  Sadly, some have, as Murray Bowen the family therapist predicts, duplicated the unsafe family dynamics over and over again which, of course, just reinforces the survival skills they have already learned. 

Medication may take the edge off of some of these symptoms  and, thus, can make it possible for the individual to use resources such as counseling to reprogram their bodies.    Essentially, individuals need to use their adult power to provide a safe and nurturing home, surround themselves with loving, healthy people who can and do treat them with respect, and give themselves the holistic care that all of us need to thrive.   Sadly, it takes a lot of care and new messages for the individuals to override the muscle memory which says that anxiety, fear, anger, emotional numbness and social distancing is necessary.   One may feel silly having to affirm oneself and one safeness.  The way that the counselor phrases the exercises may make it seems as if one is still a child.  It can be difficult for the counselor to find the language and the practices which work for one.  Obviously, we counselors need to be very sensitive to that fact. Change is uncomfortable.  The muscle memory of the body; the thousands of occasions when it was proved that it was unsafe to relax and trust others; the underlying pain which it was never safe to express; the sense that one is unsafe does allow themselves or anyone else to touch the rawness of the accumulated pain leaves one feeling as if they will, like Humpty Dumpty, fall into a million pieces which cannot be reassembled.

All of the people I have met who have survived such trauma are enormously strong, resilient, capable people.    Many of the survivors are professionals who are helping others in a variety of ways.  Yet, the old, negative lies may continue to attempt to dominate.  Giving oneself and allowing oneself to “hear” positive messages may feel fake or even silly.   As my therapist told me, “keep on pretending.  Keep on faking it until it feels right or accurate; until it clicks.”   It will happen. As wise people have said, “Don’t give up just before the miracle.”  Healing is a right to which we are entitled.


Written June 25, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

​Religion, spirituality and the social contract
 
Every religion has a sacred text which is alleged to be authored by those who had a direct and personal relationship with the God of their understanding.  The ensuing conversations between this God and the authors then often become the sacred commandments of this God which one dare not disobey.  Generations of individuals are then fed this text in hope that they will feed it to their children.   Since it is now sacred, keepers of this covenant have to prohibit new information from contaminating this covenant.   Therefore, debates about these issues are theoretically impossible although there are volumes of theological works on every detail of the original text.  Despite the fact that in many nations or states there is no official religion and there may, in fact, be a constitutional requirement that church, and state remain separate., the sad truth is that many laws and “accepted norms” are based on historic religious beliefs.
 
Daily in my counseling practice and in the larger community I am confronted with the psychological pain which is a direct result of these narrow beliefs about the nature of god, what pleases or displeases god and the human impossibility of fitting into and remaining in the narrow parameters of these beliefs.  Throughout history my colleagues have not only codified behavior they considered aberrant or sinful but has (and in some cases continue) participating in the punishment of those who are unable to stay in the assigned boxes which may have originated from religious beliefs
 
Law and social mores based on religious belief are not in and of themselves, moral or effective in achieving goals of the body politic.
 
Laws and mores based on solid scientific evidence or at the very least based on our best scientific evidence to date will more likely achieve a goal which benefits the society long term.    For example, a transgender person who knows that they were assigned or born with hormones and genitals which do not fit for them is not able to function at their best.  It makes sense to support their transition.    An immature 19-year-old having consensual sex with a 15-year-old does not, as many of my colleagues would assert, damage the 15-year-old for life.  Raping a 15 or 19-year-old does cause acute psychological damage. The person who obsessively desires and forces sex on a 5-year-old child has a mental illness which may or may not be treatable, but that does not mean we have to treat the person as if they are a criminal.  No one decides they want to have an obsessive, uncontrollable urge to harm others.   No one decides that they want to be an addict and ruin lives. They may decide to experiment with alcohol and other drugs and in the process discover they are vulnerable to the disease of addiction.   No one decides that they will have such low worth that they come to believe they have to try to prove their worth with power, money, things or sex. 
 
There may be many behaviors which I do not personally find appealing or even acceptable. Very few of those need to be the object of the judicial system, Certainly there are those who are unable to consider the needs of other.  They are not evil, bad, worthless or even repugnant.  Some of them may need to be in a secure location and treated with love and dignity. 
 
The desire of most spiritual seekers and of most religions is laudable; to make sense of this brief life dance and to seek direction in how to create safe, cooperative, creative, loving communities.    Yet, just because they are asking the right questions does not mean they have the best answers for all of us.  If their answers work for them that is great.  Let’s do refrain from imposing our personal religion-based values on others.  Let’s do allow the results of our best scientific research to date to determine how to organize and maintain the body politic.
 
Written June 23, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 

Debate or sound bites

I have been blessed since I was quite young to have mentors who guided me.  At times my immature mind heard sage perspectives as attacks.  Often, it seems, it was only later that I was able to open to the new perspective   As a young man, I did not understand that my self esteem and worth did not depend on “knowing” something.   I now shutter to think how often I missed an opportunity to learn.

I am not skilled at debating in the moment.  I admire those folks who can do so.  It seems to be that debating requires the ability to quickly suspend one’s beliefs or opinions while actively listening to the beliefs or opinions of another person or group. This requires that one first listen with the goal of hearing the other person.  Too often I notice I am not actively listening. i am thinking of how to defend my position even while the other person or persons is still talking.    I now know hearing requires that I am actively listening and considering what the other person is saying.   Unless I do this I will then hear myself saying things that are not reflective of what I actually believe .  My friend Barbara will then remind me that I am speaking in sound bites.  Sound bites involves throwing out discounting words or phrases intended to act as bullets with a soft point which spread out when it hits the target.  Sound bites are intended to strike down what they other person is saying.  They are not intended to offer additional information or perspectives.  Sound bites do not invite a conversation or suggest a shared reality.  Sound bites are:

•   Attacks on character or intelligence
•   Appeal to the emotions.
•   Are neither true nor false; are often tautologies
•   Create good headlines instead of carefully thought out analysis
•   Do not allow for the possibility of alternate opinions or facts.

It is easy to use sound bites to respond to sound bites.  Young children who have not had the opportunity to develop a solid base of self esteem or to articulate a point of view often use sound bites such as dummy, bully, race based words, gender based assignations, physical threats or words meant to question one heritage.  Teachers, parents and others are responsible for teaching or building self esteem so children are not so vulnerable to attempts to feel better than or more than.  Sadly, it seems easy for us adults to  fall back into this immature mode of relating to each other.   We now have access to instant and continuous so called news coverage. Many of us have access to many so called news sources:  television, the internet, the radio, print and even Alexa or Google assistant. Much of this news coverage is designed to appeal to what makes sound bites handy and even popular.  Many of us can mistake such sound bites delivered by seemingly personable, bright, attractive, and educated looking individuals for information or facts.   These individual may, in fact, have all those qualities, but are compelled to deliver what can be absorbed in an instant/on the run.  There are, of course, those individuals who continue to be investigative reporters but making a living as such is not easy.  Many of us also find ourselves too busy, too tired or too overwhelmed to read or listen to the reports of these investigative reporters.

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we should be better educated and more articulate on the all the events and issues behind the sound bites.  This is not possible for any of us.  There may be those who have much more reading time than I do.  There may be those who are speed readers and can absorb, analyze and integrate a great deal of information on a daily basis.  Most of us, however, can absorb only a tiny bit of new information in a day.

It seems to me that every mentor i have respected and treasured was “specialized” offering to teach me about one subject or more likely a tiny slice of that subject.  They were individuals who found it comfortable and easy to say that they could not have a cogent debate or discussion about a wide variety of issues.  For today, I can practice being truthful with myself and others about the fact that I am not and never will be well educated on a wide variety of topics. 


Written June 22, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings - June 21, 2020
Parenting

Today in the United States the day is officially set aside to honor the role of fathers in raising children.  Those of us who are parents know that is the toughest and most important job we will ever do.  We only get one opportunity to get it right.   We know that we are going to make many mistakes.  We also know that we hold our children tight so that we can let them go. If we are very fortunate our children learn to be very accepting of their own as well as our humanness.
As parents we also know that that there are many factors other than our teaching and influence which will affect their development; other mentors, mental illness, accidents,  abusive acts by peers and adults, teachers (near and far), so called natural disasters such as floods, hurricanes, fires, and tornadoes, war and a host of other people and events.  The same factors affect the tone and shape of our parenting. 
As a licensed counselor I have frequent contact with parents whose children have died of the direct result of the disease of addiction, murder, or an accident.   There is no grief to match that of the parent whose child has died “before their time” (not in the natural order) no matter what the cause.   Perhaps it is impossible for a parent whose child has died to avoid feeing as if they have not done their job as well as they might have.    After all, us parents believe it is our job to protect our children no matter how old they are or no matter how much we knows they must follow their own path.

We may often be told that we are too permissive, too controlling, too generous, or to withholding.   There is always someone who knows better than we what we should have done.   A part of us is always self critical while perhaps attempting to justify our action or lack of action.

We long for that perfect family we see in movies or read about in books; that family in which the children are traditionally successful, safe, adoring and grateful.  They want to come home for holidays, special birthdays and will be there to nurse us through our last days.   The children in that perfect family are forgiving of all our mistakes and never blame us for their bad decisions.  There do seem to be some of those families. I am very happy for them.   Most of us, however, are very appreciative of the comedian who describes our less than perfect family; the family where children blame, disown, feel entitled, and are very black and white thinkers.   In this family one strike and you are out or at least out until the child needs temporary shelter, money or both. We long for that family in which the addicted child gets treatment and becomes a community mentor for other “at risk” youth; that child who returns as the prodigal son or daughter for whom we kill the fatted calf and prepare a pre covid-19 feast.

If we knew the parenting job was going to be tough perhaps we would never be parents.   We fathers would go to our local vet to be “fixed” as soon as we reached puberty.  We would never be arrogant enough to think we could do this job even moderately well. Yet, intentionally or “accidentally” we become parents and determine to do a better job than our parents.  We will often finding ourselves repeating the same mistakes.

Having confessed up to all that one might ask what is my hope for us fathers.   My hope is that we can approximate unconditional love of our sons and daughters; that we can accept responsibility for doing a very imperfect job and make amends if allowed; that we can respect our children’s decisions to live life distant or close; that we will not compare them to other children.  In short my wish is that we can be at peace with doing our best.

Written June 21, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Our story
 
My spiritual intention today is to remember that all my decisions and actions affect others; help to create the tapestry of this moment.  On this June 19, 1865 General Gordon Granger announced in Galveston,  Texas that all slaves were free.   This was 2  ½ years following  the Emancipation Proclamation.   In many places in the United States June 19 is now celebrated as Juneteenth, Freedom Day or Jubilee Day.  Yet, neither the Emancipation  Proclamation nor General Granger’s announcement freed most Caucasian citizens of the United States from the story they had told themselves about their black brothers and sisters or about who they were to and with each other.  It is telling, of course, that not even the distorted, cruel story they told themselves halted the sexual and love relationships which, in reality, created a story which was shared at the most basic of levels.  In some places in the United States the alleged percentage of black blood determined whether one was to be a free Caucasian or someone whose story was intended to enrich or validate the story many of us Caucasians wanted and to this day continue to want to tell ourselves.  History books all too often, validate the “white man’s story”.  The story of the courage, faith, creativity, and strength of those who were not and are not considered Caucasian is increasingly available for those who have the courage and the humility to hear it.  Yet, there will be a rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma today; not to mourn and remember those black citizens who were murdered ad whose homes were burnt May 31 and  June 1, 1921 but to celebrate policies which often seem to me to promote exclusion, hatred, and division.  If any of the reports are accurate thousands will write another chapter in the history of Tulsa, Oklahoma and this nation.   
 
My last two years of high school were spent at Will Rogers High School in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I do not recall one mention of the mistreatment of Native Americans, the Tulsa massacre, Jim Crow Laws, or the laws restricting the rights of females, gay, lesbian, bisexual or Transgender folks, white male privilege or any of the stories which would shape the stories of most of us graduating from Will Rogers High School would continue to create.  The one high school reunion I attended a few years ago did not acknowledge the effect of those stories on our stories. 
 
It is my responsibility to know the commissions and omission which have shaped my story; to educate myself and, thus, change the story I create today and the days to follow.    It is my responsibility to join those who are inviting me and others to strive to learn and tell a more honest story; to strive to avoid the trap of self-indulgent self-pity or self-flagellation; to learn a more accurate story and build a new story
 
The story of this nation is one of fear, courage, beauty, ugliness, cruelty, strength and love.  It is us to us to separate the wheat from the chaff and to move forward  to create a story with in fact celebrates the reality that “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men (people)  are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
 
Written June 19, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 

Prequntas de larga vida
Long live questions
 
As I have previously shared, I begin the day with an attempt to articulate my spiritual intention for the day.  I then share it with several people.   This morning my spiritual intention was to remember that the questions are more important than the answers.  I had begun the day with a note from a mother whose son had recently died of a drug overdose.  There are no answers which will bring solace to this grieving mother and all others who loved this young man.   Of course, she wants to understand or make sense of how this disease of addiction kidnapped and killed her child.   She also wants to know how she “can help the next mother trying to avoid burying her child”.  Obviously, there are no simple answers.  There are the technical answers about how drugs and other addictive substances and even thoughts change the brain chemistry making it impossible to think logically or to think in terms of a shared reality.   There are also the answers which remind all of us of basic scientific laws such as:  “We either move forwards or backwards.  We can never stay in one spot.”   It is easy for us humans to fail to appreciate the fact that we need to be daily fed emotionally and spiritually; that the price of not being fed is emotional and spiritual death followed by physical death.  It is very human to allow oneself to get busy with life and “forget” to emotionally and spiritually feed ourselves, our families, our neighbors, and our coworkers.    
 
We stress the tools which will allow our children to navigate the logistics of today’s world – reading, writing and arithmetic – but it seems that we too often neglect to take seriously their questions about the purpose of these skills.  Children ask the same questions that Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Nietzsche, Jesus, the Buddha, Descartes, Hume, Vera Britton, Eleanor Roosevelt, all the poets, painters and others have asked: 
 

• What is our purpose?
• What is going to happen in buildings that we design and build?
• Where are the roads and bridges going to take us?
• How will we relate and take care of each other when we get there?
• Why do we use punishment as our chief judicial tools when we know it does not create better neighbors, sons daughter? and spouses and.?
• Why get clean and sober if we have to join the rat rate of  being better than or more than?
• How did sharing resources equally get such a bad rap?
• Why do we say we worship Jesus if we think his commandment to love our enemies is stupid?
• Why do we tolerate war games and the threat of our military might while teaching children to love each other?
• Why are we so obsessed with sex while failing to learn how to love?

 
Us humans have been running from life on life’s terms; from celebrating our shared opportunity to create and maintain a synchronicity in the universe for as long as  we have been recording history.  We now live in a society where it is very difficult to avoid the reality of the lies which have often kept the questions of the majority of the population from receiving the attention they deserve.
 
What are the questions we need to be asking?  Our children will tell us if we are listening. As our children grow the questions may be hidden in a statemen such as:  “This is crap.” or “You hate your job ?   You don’t even like each other?”
 
Every addict to whom I have every talked told me they always knew they were different or they did not fit in.  What If this is because they are the new prophets asking the questions which need to be asked?  Are we listening?
 
Prequntas de larga vida
 
Written June 18, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org
 
 
 



 

​Repeated traumas
 
I am not sure if anyone else has observed that many us humans:

• Think our mistakes/sins/ways of hurting others are worse than others making us less deserving of love and forgiveness.
• Reserve the right to judge the behavior of others and to tell them how they ought to behave.
• Mistake particular behavior for the person who is engaging in the behavior.

 
In my roles as a licensed professional counselor, a masters level addiction counselor and all around human I am often saddened by the level of self-hate and self-punishment by us humans over behavior committed while one’s brain is not functioning well because of a drug to which one is addicted or some other mental illness.  Although folks do not bring actual leather whips into my office they might as well given the level of pain inflicted on themselves.   Of course there are also those who arrive in my office still using the standard defense mechanisms of arrogance and rationalization.
 
Sadly, my observations is that many of those whose damaged brains have healed seem the least likely to refrain from judging others whose damaged brains are making decisions which are unhealthy for themselves and others,  Often it seems that they see only the symptoms and not the illness.    I have long noted this phenomenon with those in recovery from active addiction to alcohol, other drugs, or other compulsive behavior; folks whose damaged/addicted brains often directed the person to engage in hurtful and destructive behavior.  Yet it is not restricted to those individuals.  It seems many with undeveloped  or ill brains have a tendency to become self-righteous and judgmental looking only at symptoms and not the damaged or ill brain.
 
In health care professions in recent years we have become more respectful and understanding of the effects on the brain of repeated physical and psychological trauma.  Repeated concussions, for example, may result in acute, negative effects on the brain and other parts of the body.  Repeated physical and emotional abuse, multiple combat tours, lifetimes of oppression  related to race, sexual identity, gender, religion or other social constructs will result in symptoms which are reactionary and even self-destructive.   Most of us  who are professional heath care providers or scientist are not surprised at the effect of repeated traumas.  We know there are limits on the number of traumas  which the human body, including the brain, can tolerate.  Many of us use the ACE (Adverse childhood Events) questionnaire as a guide to determining the extent of potential damage a person has suffered. 
 
Traumas come in various forms and severity.   Being consistently treated as less them, knowing one cannot trust the police to treat one with respect, growing up with addiction,  long term incarceration, being repeatedly watched  in stores as protentional thieves,  being guarded at work as if one is going to make grave errors or not perform will,  expecting to be both a professional and a sexual object are just a few of the conditions which will result in acute stress, repeated stress.   Acute and repeated stress will damage all part of the body eventually resulting in the inability of various parts of the body to function.
 
Bottom line is if we want to function as well as possible; if we want others to function as well as possible; if we want less anger, less destructive thoughts, we have to keep the number of traumas to a minimum.
 
Judging the behaviors of others who have been repeatedly and consistently traumatized is itself another trauma.   What is it about the effects of mistreating others that we do not understand?   What is it about we humans that makes us think that we should be forgiven  our “debts” when we cannot or will not forgive the “debts” of others?  
 
Spiritual teachers have long warned against judging and otherwise mistreating ourselves and others.  It is time that we took seriously the long term symptoms of repeated traumas to the body and souls of ourselves and our neighbors.   It is time that we ‘judge not less we be judged”. It is time we were accountable for inflicting traumas and work together to reduce them to ourselves and others.
 
Written June 17, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org