Embarrassment
I have been thinking a lot about the experience of being embarrassed. In my experience, if I or someone I know is saying that they are embarrassed, it usually means that they are fearful that they have done something which may appear foolish, dumb, or inept. It may also mean that someone else – usually someone they are with or will be perceived to be with does something which may be perceived to be socially unacceptable. I suspect our feeling of embarrassment, when it is the behavior of the other person or ourselves, may arise from (1) wanting to shield the other person from the feared reaction of others, (2) somehow being responsible for the behavior of the other (3) being perceived to be equally fooling, dumb, inappropriate, or just inept. I am at the age where I know a number of people who have a family member or a close friend who is experiencing age-related conditions or diseases such as dementia. We know that this condition affects how the mind works or does not work. The person may increasingly say or do things which would not normally (in a healthy person) be considered socially appropriate. No matter what we might have said to other people – other people – who have had similar experiences, when it is our family member we may find ourselves ashamed to be seen with them or wanting to make sure that everyone knows that their family member/friend has a serious medical condition.
We may also find that even if we are not with a person who is exhibiting symptoms of dementia or other conditions which result in behavior which “stands out” in social situations but simply observing them, we get embarrassed for that person.
Oxford dictionary’s primary definition of embarrassment is: “A feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.”
Just this past Sunday I saw a production of the play, “Nerd.” In this play, Rick Stedman saved the life of Willum when they were serving in Vietnam. In the play, Willum is initially excited when he learns that Rick is coming to his 34th birthday celebration which will also be attended by his soon to be ex-girlfriend, his good friend, a movie critic, and a man, his wife and out-of-control son who has hired him to design a hotel. Willum’s excitement soon turns into fear and embarrassment when it quickly becomes obvious that Rick has no idea how to behave in a social situation. Willum is embarrassed for Rick but also for himself. He is fearful that Rick’s behavior might somehow jeopardize his contract to design the hotel.
I found myself wanting to take Rick aside and tell him how to behave. I felt bad for Rick and was embarrassed for him or at least this is what I told myself. This is a common feeling for me when I see a production or even if observing someone I know or do not know in a social situation. I suppose one might say that I over identify with the character and want to protect him or her - make sure that others know that the person who is being inappropriate cannot help themselves and are not to be made fun of.
These feelings frequently arise even while I am telling myself that I am not responsible for the behavior of the other; that I am not responsible either if the folks who act as if the person is dumb or less than in some way. After all, everyone knows that we are all human and, thus, vulnerable to not being able to control speech, behavior, movements, or even other body functions. If we are not now wearing our humanness for all to observe we could be at any moment. If other folks are too frightened of being “like that” or have somehow convinced themselves that only “other people” will ever behave in that way that is not something I can change. I may, in one of my unkind moments, hope that they lose control over some function in public so that they know what it feels like but that is not a thought of which I am proud.
What can we do in these situations? They are going to happen. God willing that we live that long, these situations will happen to most of us as we age. Either we or someone we care about will begin to lose control mentally, physically, or both. Unless we are going to hide away or hide our loved one away, we are going to have to decide how to deal with our feelings of embarrassment without constantly stressing ourselves which will affect our own health.
While at the play this past Sunday, I practiced “just noticing” the feelings when they arose. One of my esteemed teachers, Pema Chodron, explains how most of us are in the habit of feeding the story we are in the habit of telling ourselves. For example, I may be overtly or covertly telling myself, “This is terrible. I need to protect this person. What will people think? I am so embarrassed.” The negative messages we give ourselves feed the original feeling of embarrassment, which, of course, then makes it worse. What Pema advises and what I advise myself and others is to (1) breathe (focus on breath in and out) and (2) say to myself, “That is interesting. Or How interesting.” Now I am not labeling my behavior as good or bad. I am not telling myself that I need to do anything. I am not judging the behavior. I am just noticing it. “How interesting. Hummm.” When I do not feed the story I am telling myself, the original feeling and accompanying thoughts will always die a natural death. If, on the other hand, I feed them I will feel worse and worse – get more and more stressed. Then, if not careful, I am likely to say or do something which is not consistent with my values.
The bottom line is that I am going to be human no matter how much I “know” that we humans and our ability to function are very fragile. We never need to apologize for our humanness. “Hello. I am so sorry I am human” is much different than, “Excuse me/us.” Excuse me simply implies that I know that my behavior affected another. It does not imply that I am ashamed, embarrassed, or worthy of being shot at sunrise. It is simply “excuse me.” No big deal.
If not feeding the story of embarrassment or shame, I may still be left with a feeling of sadness as I see my loved one less and less able to function. I may also get tried, impatient , frustrated, and sad for myself. That is okay. Again, I just want to notice those feelings without feeding them or the thoughts - without fussing at myself or otherwise commenting on my feelings or thoughts.
I have been thinking a lot about the experience of being embarrassed. In my experience, if I or someone I know is saying that they are embarrassed, it usually means that they are fearful that they have done something which may appear foolish, dumb, or inept. It may also mean that someone else – usually someone they are with or will be perceived to be with does something which may be perceived to be socially unacceptable. I suspect our feeling of embarrassment, when it is the behavior of the other person or ourselves, may arise from (1) wanting to shield the other person from the feared reaction of others, (2) somehow being responsible for the behavior of the other (3) being perceived to be equally fooling, dumb, inappropriate, or just inept. I am at the age where I know a number of people who have a family member or a close friend who is experiencing age-related conditions or diseases such as dementia. We know that this condition affects how the mind works or does not work. The person may increasingly say or do things which would not normally (in a healthy person) be considered socially appropriate. No matter what we might have said to other people – other people – who have had similar experiences, when it is our family member we may find ourselves ashamed to be seen with them or wanting to make sure that everyone knows that their family member/friend has a serious medical condition.
We may also find that even if we are not with a person who is exhibiting symptoms of dementia or other conditions which result in behavior which “stands out” in social situations but simply observing them, we get embarrassed for that person.
Oxford dictionary’s primary definition of embarrassment is: “A feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.”
Just this past Sunday I saw a production of the play, “Nerd.” In this play, Rick Stedman saved the life of Willum when they were serving in Vietnam. In the play, Willum is initially excited when he learns that Rick is coming to his 34th birthday celebration which will also be attended by his soon to be ex-girlfriend, his good friend, a movie critic, and a man, his wife and out-of-control son who has hired him to design a hotel. Willum’s excitement soon turns into fear and embarrassment when it quickly becomes obvious that Rick has no idea how to behave in a social situation. Willum is embarrassed for Rick but also for himself. He is fearful that Rick’s behavior might somehow jeopardize his contract to design the hotel.
I found myself wanting to take Rick aside and tell him how to behave. I felt bad for Rick and was embarrassed for him or at least this is what I told myself. This is a common feeling for me when I see a production or even if observing someone I know or do not know in a social situation. I suppose one might say that I over identify with the character and want to protect him or her - make sure that others know that the person who is being inappropriate cannot help themselves and are not to be made fun of.
These feelings frequently arise even while I am telling myself that I am not responsible for the behavior of the other; that I am not responsible either if the folks who act as if the person is dumb or less than in some way. After all, everyone knows that we are all human and, thus, vulnerable to not being able to control speech, behavior, movements, or even other body functions. If we are not now wearing our humanness for all to observe we could be at any moment. If other folks are too frightened of being “like that” or have somehow convinced themselves that only “other people” will ever behave in that way that is not something I can change. I may, in one of my unkind moments, hope that they lose control over some function in public so that they know what it feels like but that is not a thought of which I am proud.
What can we do in these situations? They are going to happen. God willing that we live that long, these situations will happen to most of us as we age. Either we or someone we care about will begin to lose control mentally, physically, or both. Unless we are going to hide away or hide our loved one away, we are going to have to decide how to deal with our feelings of embarrassment without constantly stressing ourselves which will affect our own health.
While at the play this past Sunday, I practiced “just noticing” the feelings when they arose. One of my esteemed teachers, Pema Chodron, explains how most of us are in the habit of feeding the story we are in the habit of telling ourselves. For example, I may be overtly or covertly telling myself, “This is terrible. I need to protect this person. What will people think? I am so embarrassed.” The negative messages we give ourselves feed the original feeling of embarrassment, which, of course, then makes it worse. What Pema advises and what I advise myself and others is to (1) breathe (focus on breath in and out) and (2) say to myself, “That is interesting. Or How interesting.” Now I am not labeling my behavior as good or bad. I am not telling myself that I need to do anything. I am not judging the behavior. I am just noticing it. “How interesting. Hummm.” When I do not feed the story I am telling myself, the original feeling and accompanying thoughts will always die a natural death. If, on the other hand, I feed them I will feel worse and worse – get more and more stressed. Then, if not careful, I am likely to say or do something which is not consistent with my values.
The bottom line is that I am going to be human no matter how much I “know” that we humans and our ability to function are very fragile. We never need to apologize for our humanness. “Hello. I am so sorry I am human” is much different than, “Excuse me/us.” Excuse me simply implies that I know that my behavior affected another. It does not imply that I am ashamed, embarrassed, or worthy of being shot at sunrise. It is simply “excuse me.” No big deal.
If not feeding the story of embarrassment or shame, I may still be left with a feeling of sadness as I see my loved one less and less able to function. I may also get tried, impatient , frustrated, and sad for myself. That is okay. Again, I just want to notice those feelings without feeding them or the thoughts - without fussing at myself or otherwise commenting on my feelings or thoughts.
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