Therapy or life coaching

  • Choosing Therapy or Life Coaching
  • Fees
  • Privacy
  • JImmy Pickett - About
  • Blog

To trust or not to trust

5/30/2018

0 Comments

 
​To trust or not to trust!
 
Many individuals have been deeply hurt because someone has violated what they thoughts of as a sacred trust.  Some individuals may have been born into a family which was unable to provide a safe, trusting home.    Some may have been left alone because of the death of one or more family members – parents, spouse, or siblings. 
 
Often those who have experienced the violation of trust (intentionally or non-intentionally) decide the safest course is to not trust anyone.  Not trusting anyone entails staying emotionally disconnected.  This is a very lonely space.  Often, a person will use cynicism, anger, or depression/flat disconnected affect as defense mechanisms/walls.
 
If the person who has seemed to betray one is oneself then one may feel even more isolated and lonely “Mental illness”, addiction and many other illnesses which affect how our brain works (or does not work) and can result in behavior which is contrary to one’s core values.   It can be very frightening when it seems as if one is not able to make and execute decisions.  If one cannot trust oneself, it can be very frightening to consider trusting someone else. 
 
Healing from active addiction, mental illness, other diseases and “dis eases” of the brain require that one first began to trust that one is worthy of love.  Often sharing with others in a healing group setting, a therapist or oned other person can help one begin to see that they are not essentially different than others. We have all taken care of ourselves the best way we believed that we could.
 
Once one has claimed some self-love and self-respect one will begin to feel stronger and begin to trust that one is much stronger than one may have believed in the past. 
 
From that position of strength, one can begin to trust others until one has a reason not to trust.   If and when one discovers that a person is not heathy enough to be trusted one can, with love, set some realistic boundaries.  I suggest one do so with love and humility.
 
I am suggesting that, from a position of strength, it is always safe to trust until one learns that it is unsafe to trust.  This is the opposite dance of starting from a position of mistrust and waiting for the person to prove that they are trustworthy.  When any of us feels as if our worthiness is being tested we may refuse to be tested and just back off thus proving that we cannot be trusted.  Obviously, this is a self-sabotaging dance.
 
My experience is that most people can be trusted as long as I am okay with our shared humanness.   I do not have to take every behavior of others as personal and, thus, as an excuse for judging and pushing them away.   Of course, I should not set others up to fail the test of trust.  If someone’s untreated mental illness, addiction or life circumstances are such that they do not have the luxury of considering the needs of others, I am not going to expect that they are present enough to have a healthy, equal friendship.  This does not mean I am justified in judging or shunning them.  They are simply not able to be present enough to consider my needs. 
 
The better I am able to take care of myself the stronger I will be. The stronger I am,  the safer it is to take the risk of trusting others.
 
Written May 30, 2018
 
0 Comments

"Choosing curiosity over fear"

5/29/2018

0 Comments

 
​“Choosing curiosity over fear”
 
This past week the podcast On Being is a  July 7, 2016 rebroadcast of a conversation between the host, Krista Tippett and the author Elizabeth Gilbert. Ms. Gilbert’s best known book is Eat Pray Love. Her most recent book is Big Magic:  Creative Living Beyond Fear.
 
Ms. Gilbert talks about her own battle with depression, with having to claim her own identity as a woman who had and has an ability to move beyond fear to curiosity.  Ms. Giblert defines creativity as “choosing curiosity over fear.”  She contrasts curiosity and passion.  Curiosity is a much quieter, gentle, perhaps even plodding way to move forward with one’s dance
 
It is obvious that we live in a world in which we have learned to be fearful.  Instant and continuous news about wars around the words, angry words being tweeted by world “leaders”,  mass killings in schools, violence of and about drugs, and the challenge of claiming our own identify all contribute to the dance of fear.  
 
If one is one of the lucky ones to have stumbled onto curiosity, heard and heeded its call, or born into a place and time where answering the call was supported and perhaps encouraged, then one knows its rewards.
 
I recently received a note from a nephew thanking me for a graduation gift.   The note said in part, “I am glad you are a part of my mother’s family. I think it’s great you’re a gay man who is comfortable enough in who you are….  I greatly appreciated his note and his honesty,
 
Certainly there was a long time when I heeded the call to fear; when despite my curiosity about my sexual orientation, my beliefs which conflicted with many of the Southern Baptist Southern beliefs with which I had been raised, and my fear that I was not intellectually bright enough to attend college I choose to do my best to feed my curiosity in all areas of my life dance.  A part of me needed to open those forbidden doors; needed to satisfy my curiosity.
 
Ms. Gilbert reminded me that there is something within me which has propelled me forward in spite of the fear.  Today, much of the time, fear is a distant or squeaky voice.    As is true for all of us, there are times when I think I might allow the fear to take charge and forego potential criticism or disagreements.  Yet, most of the time, curiosity takes over. Such is the case with writing this blog.  Many days fear tells me I have nothing important to say.  Fear tells me that a line directing readers to the On Being Podcast or some other source which has gently tickled my curiosity is all I need to write.   Yet, I seem unable to allow that fear to be in charge.   I am eternally curious to see what will emerge on this page as I write.
 
Written May 28, 2018
0 Comments

Honoring those who have served and those who serve today

5/28/2018

0 Comments

 
​Honoring those who have served and those who serve today
 
In the United States this day has been set aside as Memorial to honor those who have died while serving in this country’s Armed Forced.   It has, it seems often morphed into a day to remember all those who have served in the armed forces and all who have served others.  I recall, as a child, gathering at the cemetery on Memorial Day. Grandma and other women in the family would have cooked fried chicken, potato salad, homemade pickles, deviled eggs and other goodies which somehow did not become dangerous to eat after sitting in the Oklahoma sun. Graves would be cleaned and stories told to honor all those who had been laid to rest in that space.  Some of those honored were indeed those who had died in the armed forces.  Of course, there were many whose bodies did not come home to be buried in this common resting place.
 
Today, as I think of friends and families who have died serving in the military and serving day-to-day on the home front, I think of many battles which we continue to wage against each other and against ourselves.   I am aware of those I know who have served in combat and the many scars – internal and external –  with which they live each day.  
 
I am aware of all those suffering great hardship as they flee – often with young children – the war machines which make it impossible to safely live in their home country.   I am aware of the many families who open their homes and hearts to these brothers and sisters who are labeled aliens or immigrants and who are seen by others as a burden or as illegals.   My heart is sad just thinking about them.
 
I am also aware of all those who struggle with an internal war which often leads to the loss of hope; which leads first to the death of spirit and then the death of body. Addiction often accompanied by another illness such as depression has left empty plates at many family gatherings today.  On this Memorial Day let us also honor and remember those who have been killed by this internal war. Let us remember the many families who are grieving a loss as deep as those who have lost someone in active combat.
 
This loss of hope in the possibilities of faith in each other which leads to active wars; this loss of hope which leads to this attempt to out bully each other; this loss of hope which results in each side creating more weapons; this loss of hope which leads individuals and nations to feed upon power, greed, hate and other bitter and destructive weapons of mass destruction; this lost hope must be found if we are to survive; this hope in our better selves; this hopes in the better selves of those we call enemies; this hope that we do not have to keep give our family members to addiction; this hope that we can all find our better selves.
 
On this Memorial Day let us celebrate hope and the courage to trust in the creative power of love.
 
Written May 28, 2018
 
0 Comments

Sunday Musings - May 27, 2018

5/27/2018

0 Comments

 
​Sunday musings – May 27, 2018
 
Some days I sit down to write and I do not show up emotionally and spiritually.  I may then check in with some individuals via email, text or Facebook messenger. I may start the tasks which are on the to do list for that day.  Sometimes, as we as true for this morning, I respond to a phone call. Before long it is time to go to the gym.  On Sundays, since the gym opens later, I first enjoy breakfast.  Once at the guy, I begin my work out and listen to NPR news or a podcast.  On some Sundays, such as today, there is a new podcast of Ear Hustle. Today I listened to Episode 17 – The Row.   Ear Hustle “is a partnership between Nigel Poor, a Bay Area visual artist and Earlionne Woods, currently incarcerated at Sn Quentin State Prison, and was cofounded with fellow inmate Antwan Williams.” 
 
“The Row” refers to death row.  San Quentin houses the 700 (give or take a few)
California inmates waiting on death row to be executed.  Although no one has been executed in California since 2006, in 2016 the voters of California were asked to decide between speeding up the process of appeals of those on death row or to do away with capital punishment. They voted to speed up the process It is 12 years post-election and there have not been any executions.
 
Ms. Poor and Mr. Woods were able to send out a letter in the Prison newspaper asking folks on death row to share their story.  Although Ms. Poor and Mr. Woods were not able to contact the men on death row the men were then able to call into the podcast recording studio. They got very few responses. Not surprisingly, those few who did call in were men who have found a way to treat their time on death row as an opportunity to grow spiritually.  One man remarked that as was true for many great spiritual leaders, being on death row can be like going off to the wilderness to be by oneself to find meaning. Some of those inmates, such Steve, ask “Who am I? What is my purpose?  Will, I choose to wake up happy?”   One of the death row inmates who called in remarked that in some ways it is easier on death row to find or make time for what I will call spiritual growth. There are no responsibilities of children, house chores, or a full-time job. One is not focusing on spiritual growth to gain time off for good behavior or to impress someone else.  The only motivation and reward is internal.
 
There are many examples of spiritual teachers going off to the wilderness by choice or force. Dietrich Bonhoeffer chose to resist the Nazi, went to prison and was eventually executed.  Nelson Mandela was imprisoned. Jesus periodically went off to the wilderness. Many friends of mine have chosen extended silent spiritual retreats. Many I know daily decide to be spiritually intentional.
 
On this Sunday morning, I am acutely aware that I can choose to focus on all the insanity and injustice of the world. I can focus on all the ways that I have actively and passively strayed from my spiritual path this past week. I can focus on all those local, family and world situations over which I have no control or I can choose to focus on a positive spiritual goal/purpose for this moment.  
 
It may seem ironic that today my most powerful teachers are a few men on death row in California. Obviously, once again, I could beat myself up for the thousands of ways I have actively or passively hurt others; for the many ways I waste my time, or neglect to appreciate my freedom.  I could choose to judge my “crimes” as less than those of those “murderers” on death row.  I could also choose to hear the wisdom of the spiritual teachers coming my way via Ear Hustle.
 
Written May 27, 2018
 
 
0 Comments

Learning to love?

5/26/2018

0 Comments

 
​Learning to love?
 
Do we learn to love or we born open to loving and learn not to love?
 
It seems to me, baring neurological disorder which may prevent one from connecting with parts of self and others, humans are born open to loving - themselves, others, and the world in general.   Early on we learn that certain things are not safe to love – fire, prickly branches, things that cut, or behavior that cause injury such as hitting finger with a pot or, sadly, being hit or shunned by another person. 
 
I spend a lot of time observing infants, children and adults.  Most infants are curious about everything. They touch, smell, and taste. They explore the concept of gravity long before they know the word. They study stress by pulling on or pushing objects or hair of another person or animal. 
 
Infants are curious about and explore their own bodies – what they feel like, taste like, and how they move in relationships to themselves and the rest of the world.  They freely emote with laughter, sadness, pain, joy and wonder.  They do not know the rules for being male and female although as soon as a blanket color is assigned they are handled differently.
 
Very early, even in today’s world, babies begin to learn the rules for relating to their own physical, emotional and intellectual bodies.   By the time that they are five or six most children can articulate many of the rules for the role they have been assigned because of gender, appearance, race, culture, religion, status or other factors. Many of these rules dictate that one should dissociate from or deny many parts of oneself.  Many boys of most races will have learned not to share emotions other than anger.  Lack of emotions is considered being tough. Needing to touch in a loving, non-sexual way is considered “weird” or inappropriate for a person who is labeled as a male
 
By the time a male reaches puberty he has learned more rules about loving himself and others. Although some boys today find it easier to openly love themselves event when they may not fit the stereotype of the heterosexual, tough males, most boys by puberty are learning that they should be sexually desirous or turned on by most females especially those who fit the prevailing standard of sexy.  Serious time and serious discussions are still mainly with other males and not females.
 
Boys are learning that touching other than the high five, the fist, arm or shoulder bump is connected with sexual activity or the hopes of sexual activity with someone of the opposite sex.  Exceptions are reluctantly made for mothers – in private.  Girls are also learning their own rules. For example, they are learning what is considered desirable or sexy in a male. All too often they are leaning that sexy/attractive/mate material is that male who, as a partner, will be emotionally unavailable and will expect most touching to occur during sexual activity.  The need of males to connect has not changed since they were infants, but the range of activities during which they are permitted to touch is primarily limited to sexual activity and depending on the culture to certain rituals such as religious activities, funerals, and combat.

Countries dominated by males or masculine rules use physical and military power, bullying and threats of same as primary tools of intimacy with other nations.
 
If we, as a culture/country/species are serious about exploring sexual abuse, including sexual harassment, we will want to explore what we are teaching males and females about loving – about intimacy with self and others.  If we truly want loving, safe and non- abusive relationships we will want to give non-sexual options for intimacy.  If we want sexual relationships to be celebrated it has to be mutually agreed upon and safe.  If we want to honor innate human need to touch and be touched we need to look at what we are teaching about safe, acceptable ways to meet that essential need.
 
In other words, as is true for most issues, sexual abuse including sexual harassment is a systemic issue in which all of us as parents, teachers, and other mentors have a role.
 
Written May 26, 2018
 
 
 
 
0 Comments

Magic - Fairy Dust

5/25/2018

0 Comments

 
​Magic – Fairy Dust
 
No matter how often I travel from one place to another - across a town or across an ocean – I continue to be fascinated that I can be I can be here and then quickly there.   Last Thursday at this time I was on my way to Oklahoma City via a plane.   My flight from Pittsburgh first took me to O-Hara Airport in Chicago.  Once in Oklahoma City I was soon installed in the rental car which I would drive to Canton, Texas where my brother and his wife live.   Saturday, I drove from Canton to the home of one of my sisters who lives near Sapulpa, Oklahoma.  By Monday night I was back in my home here in Wheeling, WV.   Yesterday I was in Pittsburgh most of the day and today I will be in my home office much of the day although. I was at the gym earlier and later will go to the local post office.
 
I have friends who travel often for their employer.  Their travels may take them across town or someplace as far away as China.
 
I often wonder about the trail I leave in every place that I visit whether that be for an hour or for years. I am sure that I have left a trail at the gym this morning.  I will also leave parts of myself with everyone I meet at places such as the post office.  What will I leave? I will leave:
 
  • Pieces of me which contain not only my history but the history of all my ancestors.
  • Energy – positive or negative. Perhaps neutral.  Is neutral really possible?
  • Thoughts – spoken or unspoken.
  • Hope perhaps.
  • Love, hate or indifference
  • Sometimes an object – graffiti, a sculpture, music, a painting, a dance, or ….
  • A symbol of my thoughts or feelings.
 
The possibilities are endless.   Humans who travel in space sometimes leave objects on the far away planets they visit.
 
Here on this planet we now talk of the carbon footprint we are leaving each day.
 
If I am truthful I am often thinking of what others are leaving or not leaving me and not what I am leaving.  I may be thinking “they” could have been nicer, more spiritual, more loving, less self-centered, more honest, less arrogant, more kind, or more considerate.    I may be worried about how someone is going to treat me rather than focusing on how I want to treat them no matter they do or say or do not do or say.
 
The magic of travel –across a room, a city, a country, a continent or planets – is an opportunity to leave a footprint of love, strength, courage, hope, or just gratitude which I suppose is a part of love. I could think of travel as an opportunity to spread what some – especially children – might call fairy dust.
 
Today I will be more intentionally mindful of how what I am leaving in all the places and with all the people I visit.  When I notice myself focusing on what others are leaving or not leaving, doing or not doing I will bring my focus back to what I am leaving. I know that when I do that I will always also pick up something positive which I will bring back to pass on to others.  That may be courage, hope, a smile, joy, courage or fairy dust. I will attempt to not bring back mirrors of my darker side.
 
Written May 24, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 
0 Comments

Costuming and sexual intimacy

5/24/2018

0 Comments

 
​Costuming and Sexual Intimacy
 
Sometimes I hear myself channeling my ancestors, especially Grandma Fannie.  I recall them saying:
 
  • Young people have no respect.
  • This generation is lazy.
  • The way young people dress is shameful.
  • This is the most negative political campaign I have ever heard.
  • Doesn’t anyone know that money does not grow on trees?
 
It is helpful for me to remember that older people (including me) have been making the same observations and comments for a long time.  Probably forever.  Yet, I do think that some things have changed.  Consider, for example,  how acceptable dress and grooming has changed.  When I was young:
 
  • One dressed for church, flying, and most indoor social occasions in rather formal clothes – suit, dress shirts and ties for men; dresses, hats and heels for women.
  • One had few costumes.  Growing up I had a school costume which also doubled as church costume, a chore/farm work costume, and a sleep costume.  One had tiny or no closets, but then one did not have enough clothes to fill a closet.
  • Divorced or other single women wore dresses which might merely hint at legs and figures.
  • Widows wore black for a ““respectable” period of time.
  • Women could not wear pants even if their job dictated such a practical form of dress.
  • Women did not wear curlers in public!
  • Unless a woman was aristocratic and dressing for a ball, one did not show cleavage. Perhaps an ankle but not cleavage.
 
Now acceptable dress includes:
  • Shopping in curlers, nightclothes, halters and even tee shirts which leave beer bellies exposed.
  • Cleavage to one’s navel and shorts revealing one’s pubic hair.
  • Swimwear revealing bare butts, a lot of cleavage, and the clear outline of male and female crotches.
  • Whatever seems comfortable, irrespective of appearances, for church, shopping, airports and even business places.
 
There does continue to be a different standard for men and women.  With the exception of comments regarding the hair “style” of the current president of the United States, only the physical appearance of a woman is open to criticism no matter what her role.
 
Other costume related changes include:
 
  • Dressing to be as sexually present as possible.
  • A flexibility which allows for ease of travel. Thus, if traveling, it is okay to attend a symphony even if one has not brought a dressy costume.
  • Permission, even if one has willing de-costumed, to say no to sexual advances/invitations.
 
It may seem as if we old people keep yearning for the simplicity and formality of what we remember.  Could it be that aging changes our perspective?   Perhaps the concerns and questions about costuming has a lot of do with sagging or disappearing body parts, the redistribution of body hair, other adjustments and not just with “letting it all hang out, over suggestively”.  Yet, this old man wonders as if more circumspection in costuming kept the lines a little clearer.
 
I also wonder if the current costuming trends blurs the communication about when it is okay to initiate the mating dance which is necessary for the survival for this human species.  Let me be very clear about what it is I am asking. Both males and females need to be treated with respect no matter what job or role they are performing.  It is never okay to treat someone as a sexual object.  At the same time, I am wondering if the manner of costuming sends conflicting messages.  I also wonder if this can be intentional.   If I see a man or a woman in a professional setting – a classroom, courtroom, or business setting – dressed as if they are ready for a night of trolling at a singles bar – it is more difficult for me to focus on their professional role.  While writing I am sitting in the waiting room of a medical facility.  The dress of the staff clearly indicates that I am to relate to individuals as doctors, nurses, other medical personnel or clerks.   No one’s dress hints at an invitation to anything other than a business/professional relationship.   I am also dressed in a costume – button down shirt, dress slacks, and freshly showered – which hopefully communicates that I am here as a patient-partner in my own health care. 
 
 
Written May 21, 2018
0 Comments

The wolf of addiction

5/22/2018

0 Comments

 
​ 
The wolf of addiction
 
Scientist now document that addiction changes how one’s brain is able to process incoming stimuli including internal information/signals. Many drugs including alcohol either numb one out so one does not get appropriate pain cues or they make the body hyper sensitive to internal and external stimuli.  It may also be that many addicts experience those stimuli more intensely prior to experiencing brain changes caused directly and indirectly by drug use or other addictive behavior.  It is no wonder, that those who live , work with or otherwise have contact with addicts experience them as overly dramatic. Some might think of them as drama kings or queens.  What others view is pseudo emergencies, the addict experiences as emergencies or crises.
 
During the active addiction and even after the addict gets into recovery, the family members, friends and co-workers have learned to numb themselves to what they might consider the wolf calls.  Thus, it is easy for them to ignore or discount genuine emergencies – even life threatening ones.    The addict whose self-esteem is already non-existent or at a very low point – even the recovering one – may begin to feel as if it does not matter to anyone if they live or die.
 
This is just one of the many reasons that it is important for the addict to (1) get into recovery and (2) get help from other recovering addicts who understand why everyone seems numb to the physical and emotional issues of the addict.  Other recovery addicts can be both empathetic and provide a reality check for dealing with life on life’s terms. The addict in recovery learns that  issues such as the death of a loved one, accidents, financial issues, and even intense physical pain are “normal” life events that most people just deal with. This does not mean an absence of emotion.  It does mean that family members, friends and co-workers do not stop their lives every time life shows up.  In fact that they act as if there are no life crises.  There is just life showing up.  If the newly recovering addict discovers that he or she is experiencing a serious life issue folks may or may not provide some practical assistance.   After all, others have jobs, bills to pay, lawns to mow, friends to nourish, and their own health care to which they need to attend.
 
One of the paradoxes of this life journey is:  “All is important and nothing is important.”  While we may love and care for each other, no matter what we do or do not do this life journey is very, very brief.  Certainly,  I do not want my son to be homeless,  to allow my homeowners insurance to lapse, to have friends deal with chronic pain, or to see children or adults abused.  Yet, these and other events will come and go.   In just an instant we all end this life journey.
 
I hope that most of us can learn to access that internal dialogue which allows  us to take a deep breath and remind the drama voice that we can and will deal with the life event which the other internal voice is labeling as the crisis de jour.
 
Written May 21, 2018
 
 
0 Comments

Examining our motives

5/21/2018

0 Comments

 
​Examining our motives
 
There is no doubt in my mind that:
 
  • Sexism is immoral.
  • Sexual harassment is immoral.
  • Sexual abuse- sex forced by position and/or physical power - is immoral.
  • Physical abuse is immoral.
 
Unless some one of us have been kept in a protective bubble all of our lives we have learned how to mistreat each other. If male, we have learned that women are to be treasured but not necessarily respected as equals emotionally and intellectually.  We have also learned that, as males, we should sexually desire and use women (or another man if not heterosexual) to satisfy our need for closeness.
                                                                             
It is, of course, true that all of do better physically and emotionally if we are unconditionally loved and accepted.  Emotional and physical touch is necessary for our overall health.  Having a romantic or sexual partner is not necessary.  Many men continue to expect a woman (perhaps more than one) to provide all the emotional and physical intimacy they need and to believe that sexual intimacy is the primary way of satisfying that essential need.
 
When I am deciding what level of support I can give the MeToo Movement I need to consider the above plus other factors which contribute to a climate of looking the other way when mistreatment occurs.   Everyone deserves to be validated as more than an object to be used and abused.    Everyone deserves to be able to use their gifts and talents to do the best job at the highest level of which they are capable no matter their gender, age, race, religion, physical appearance, sexual orientation or their sexual appeal.
 
If I mistreat someone by treating them as a sexual object I need to be accountable for my actions. I also need to do all I can to ensure that work or any other environment is made safe for everyone. 
 
Sometimes the goals of movements such as the MeToo Movement are not clear to me.  Possible goals are:
 
  • Public acknowledgement of a problem.
  • Formulating a plan to correct the problem.
  • Articulating how to create safe environments and to continue to learn how to honor individual worth independent of sexual desires or attractions.
  • Honoring our need and enjoyment of our sexuality in a positive, affirming manner.

I am not convinced that accountability equals punishment.  
Just as I believe that it is immoral for me to view another as just a sexual object whose purpose is to satisfy my needs/desires, I believe it is immoral to treat the person who has crossed the moral line as just a bad or immoral person.  In other words, we are all more than our worst deed.
 
I am well aware that some individuals have repeatedly harassed and/or otherwise mistreated others.  Some of these individuals may need treatment for addictive and/or compulsive behavior.  A few may be unable to benefit from treatment and may need to be in a safe, life affirming, protected place.   Some may have no tools for identifying their actual needs and finding healthy ways of meeting those needs.  Some certainly need to be relieved of their position of power unless and until they are able to consistently respect others. 
 
Shaming and punishing does not lead to a safer and more loving society.   While I need to be empathetic, and even sad/remorseful if I cause harm to someone else, everyone is best served if my energy is spent focusing on doing what needs to be done to change my behavior. 
 
I would hope that all of us can be committed to supporting a movement whose goal is to do all that is possible to create a safe society.  Treating those who have learned to treat others as less than or those who have a compulsive and/or addictive disorder as less than does not benefit anyone long term.  If a movement, for the moment, has power they use to mistreat others who have mistreated others then as soon as the power dynamic changes further mistreatment will take place.
 
Another way of stating this is that oppressing the oppressors does not end oppression.  I believe the goal needs to be to end all forms of mistreatment of ourselves and others.
 
Written May 21, 2018
0 Comments

Sunday musings - May 20, 2018

5/20/2018

0 Comments

 
​Sunday Musings – May 20, 2018
Building a friendship
 
I am in Sapulpa, Oklahoma visiting my sisters and some of their family today. On Thursday, I flew into Oklahoma City, rented a car and drove to Canton, Texas near Dallas where my brother and his wife live.   My sisters, Bonnie and Pat, and Bonnie’s husband, Carl, had already driven down from Oklahoma.   We visited until Saturday afternoon and then drove back here.  I will fly back to Pittsburgh tomorrow.  
 
While we were visiting another school shooting happened – in Texas this time – a royal wedding took place, and violence continued in homes,  workplaces and between countries.   No matter what any of us are doing or not doing life show up.  Sometimes it seems as if in this day of instant and continuous news reports it would be easy to become discouraged about the future of us humans.  Yet, there are always moments of beauty and love.  As was true even in the death camps, moments of friendship, music and art are always available.
 
I was thinking of that fact this morning when I started listening to this week’s podcast of On Being with host Krista Tippett. This week, May 17, 2018, her conversation was with Derek Black and Matthew Stevenson.   Some readers may know Derek Black as the godson of David Duke and the son of the man “who founded the web’s first and largest white power website.  Black spent the first two decades of his life as an enthusiastic aid to his family’s activism, running a political campaign, a radio network and organizing conferences.”
 
When Matthew was at college he hosted a weekly Sabbath dinner in his dorm room.  He decided to invite Derek and let his friends know that they were not to verbally criticize or attack him.  For two years Derek joined Matthew and his friends for Sabbath dinner at which they visited and discussed a variety of topics but not “the topic” of Derek’s white nationalist beliefs. 
 
Two years is a long time to allow the ingredients of a friendship to meld together.  Few of us have that sort of patience and, yet, this story confirms what most of us intrinsically know and what research tells us.   Name calling and otherwise attacking each other does not lead to mutual education or the ability to hear each other.   Derek eventually came to a place where he was able to “listen” to how he was misusing statistics and other information.  Eventually, he was able to renounce the views of white nationalism which had seemed so set in stone to him.
 
There have always been those who are determined to approach each other as humans who are no different despite religious and political labels they have inherited and/or adopted.   Palestinians and Jewish family have sat together for many years. Many African Americans and white nationalists have sat together and taken care of each other for years without affecting their public political and even religious views.
 
We know how to move toward peace.   It always begins with the patience to build something solid based on what two or more people have in common.
 
Even though I am very intentional about not treating others as labels I can be very inpatient with others and with myself. I can easily focus on wanting to change the viewpoints of others rather than what we have in common and learning from each other.
 
As Derek and Matthew both point out speaking out against hate, injustice and all forms of violence is often necessary and powerful, but only when done in love and with enormous humility.
 
Today I will remind myself to listen with love, humility and patience.
 
Written May 20, 2018
 
 
0 Comments
<<Previous

    Jimmy Pickett is a life student who happens to be a licensed counselor and an addiction counselor. He is a student of Buddhism with a background of Christianity and a Native American heritage.

    Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.

    Archives

    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014

    Categorie

    All
    12-step Program
    12 Step Program For Everyone - Overview
    Aa And God
    Abigail Washburn
    Abraham Lincoln
    Absolute Truths
    Abuse
    Acceptance
    Accountability
    Aclu
    Adam Gopnik
    Adam Grant
    Add
    Addiction
    Addiction And Medical Ethics
    Addiction As Chronic Disease
    Addiction Counseling
    Addiction Recovery Help
    Adult Children
    Age Of Consent
    Aging
    Air Jordans
    Albert Einstein And Rules
    Alcoholism
    Alice Walker
    Amae
    A Man Called Peter
    Amends
    Amends Vs Apology
    America
    A Nation Of Laws
    Ancestors
    An Explosive Issue
    Anger
    Ann Hamilton
    Anthropology
    Anxiety Post Recovery
    A Perfect System - Human Body
    Appalachian
    Apple Care
    Arms Dealers
    Arrogance
    Art
    Asshole
    Assualt Rifles
    Assumptions
    Atomic Bomb Regrets?
    Attachments
    Attachment To Guns
    Attitude
    Bacha Bazi
    Balance
    Banjo
    Bartok
    Beams Of Love
    Being Right
    Being With And Not Doing For
    Bela Fleck
    Belgim Battles Terrorists With Cats
    Betrayal
    Bipolar Depressive Illness
    Bon Jovi - Because We Can
    Boundaries
    Bowe Loftin Rewared
    Brain
    Bruderholf
    Buckle Up
    Buddhism
    Carrie Newcomer
    Catherine Bateson
    Cecil The Lion
    Celibate Vs Chasity Vs Abstience By Priests
    Challenging Self
    Characteristics Of Heroes
    Cherish
    Chicken Little
    Christianity
    Christianity And Violence
    Christmas Vs Holiday
    Church
    Civil Disobedience Of Public Servants
    Coaching
    Cognitive Dissonance
    Colorado Shoorter
    Colorad Shoorter
    Commone Sense
    Communication
    Communist Manifesto
    Community Systems
    Compassion
    Complicity
    Connoting
    Consequences
    Context Of Historyical Events
    Contradctions
    Contradictions
    Coral Reefs
    Cortisol Levels
    Cost Of Prison
    Cost Of Professonal Conferences
    Costumes
    Costuming
    Couples
    Courage
    Courage To Learn
    Creating Victims
    Creativity
    Crocheting
    Cultural Differences Vs Moral Issues
    Culture
    Cured
    Daily Spiriutal Inventory
    Dakini Bliss
    Dance - Hands
    Dance Of Life
    Dancing With The Wolves
    Daniel Silva
    Dan Price
    Dan Savage
    Dark Energy
    David Blankenhorn
    David Russell
    David Whyte
    Death Penalty
    Decision Making Models
    Decisions
    Decisions With Heart
    Defects Of Character
    Dementia
    Democratic Socialism
    Denis Darsie
    Denoting
    Dependent
    Depicting Prophert Muhammad
    Descrates
    Detaching
    Detroit
    Disabled Vs Differently Abled
    Divergent Thinking
    Doc Watson
    Does God Care About Church Attendance?
    Doing The Next Right Thing
    Domestic Violence
    Donald Trump
    Dorothy Day
    Doug Gertner
    Douglas Huges
    Dr Alice Miller
    Drama Queen
    Dr. Ben Carson
    Dr. Christopher Howard
    Dream
    Dream King
    Dreams Are Made Of
    Dreams Vs Shared Reality
    Dr. Ellen Langer
    Dr. Ellen Libby
    Dr. Gary Slutkin
    Dr. Goodword
    Dr. Kelly McGonigal
    Dr. Lisa Randall
    Dr. Lynn Hawker
    Dr. Michael Rose
    Dr. Nancy Cantor
    Dr. Rachel Remen
    Dr. Rachel Yehuda
    Dr. Rex Jung
    Dsm 5
    Dualities
    Dylann Roof
    Ecological Stewardship
    Ecology
    Ed Mahaonen
    Education
    Educational Goals In Us
    Education Means?
    Education Models
    Either Or Thinking
    Elementary My Dear Watson
    Elizabeth Alexander
    Ellen Degeneres
    Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church
    Embarrassment
    Embedded With
    Embrace
    Embracing Pain
    Emily Dickinson
    Empathy
    Enlightened Witness
    Entitlement
    Entitlements
    Epigenetics
    Essence
    Essence Of Education
    Eternal Sins
    Ethics
    Euphemisms
    Evil
    Evils Of Sharing
    Existential Life Issues
    Extremism
    Fallacy Of Easy Answers
    Fallacy Of Not Livable Wage Bad For Business
    Falling In Love
    Family Rules
    Famiy
    Famous People Who Quit School
    Fannie
    Father Gregory Boyle
    Fatherhood
    Father Of Jesus
    Favorite Child
    Fear To Kindness
    Feminist Languate
    Ffree Will
    Fired Up For A Wedding
    Fluid
    Flummoxed
    Forgiveness
    Forty Rules Of Love
    Frank Garrity
    Frege
    Friendship Is Not
    Fundamentalism
    Galriel Allon
    Genetic Engineering
    Genevieve Von Petzender
    George Docherty
    Gift Of Letters
    Giving Up
    Glenn Beck
    Goals
    God/Allah And Violence
    God And Violence
    Gods
    Goodness
    Gospel Of John
    Gottop Frege
    Government Assistance
    Grace
    Grace Lee Boggs
    Grateful Dads
    Gratitude
    Gravity Payments
    Gregory Bateson
    Gun And The Hippocratic Oath
    Gun Control - Quit Making Non- Hunting Guns
    Gwendolyn Brooks
    Habits
    Halloween
    Hampden-Sydney College Of Virginia
    Happiness
    Harey Milk
    Harmonious Community
    Harmony
    Harry Cliff
    Hate Vs Right
    Healer
    Healing
    Hearing
    Heaven
    Hippocratic Oath
    Hiroshima
    Hisrory Of Adult Males Taking Young Male Lovers
    Historical Lessons
    History No In Vacuum
    History Or History
    Holocaust
    Holocaust Music
    Home
    Homeless
    Homelessness
    Homeless Veterans
    Honesty
    Human System
    Humble
    Humility
    Humor
    Humor And Spirituality
    I Am Nobody
    Iatrogenic
    If Only
    If - Poem By Kipling
    Imam
    Iman
    Immigrants
    I'm Nobody
    Income And Happiness
    Income Inequality
    Independence Day
    Independent
    Independent Catholics
    Indio Girls
    Innagural Poems
    Inner City Muslim Action Network
    Insanity
    Institute On Race And Proverty
    Intentional Commuity
    Intentional Communities
    Intentional Community
    Intentional Families
    Inter Connectedness
    Inter-connectedness
    Interdependent
    Intimacy
    Irony
    Isis Irrelevant
    Is There Evil?
    Jack Macfarland
    James Homes
    Japanese Culture
    Jean Vanier
    Jenni Chang
    Jewish Repair
    Job Of Public Schools
    Job/profession As Identity
    John Adams
    John A Powellb6a6f49282
    John Macdougall
    John Mccain
    John Odonohueb641dfa1dd
    John Wayne
    Jonathan Rauch
    Jon Stewart
    Joseph Archer
    Joy
    Joy Of Reading
    Jrf94783f2b0
    Judge
    Judge Carlos Samour
    Justice
    Justified Anger
    Juvenile Status Offenses
    Keep It Simple Stupid
    Kim Davis
    Kinship
    Kipling
    Kiss Principle
    Kitchen Floor Politics
    Kitchen Table Wisdom
    Kkk
    Knowledge
    Kurt Colborn
    Lamentations
    Language Of Healing
    Language Of Math
    Larche4d5c25de21
    Laughing At Selves
    Law Of Contradiction
    Laws
    Leader
    Learning
    Lectio Divina
    Legal Definition Of Insanity
    Leonard Bernstein
    Let Go And Let God
    Lies Our Mothers Told Us
    Life Coaching
    Lisa Dozols
    Listening
    Livable Wage
    Living One's Faith
    Living Our Professed Values
    Living Past Abuse
    Louder With Crowder
    Louis Newman
    Love
    Love Is Mess
    Loving Wihtout Expectations
    Ludwig Wittgenstein
    Lynne Tuchy
    Male Tears
    Man Up
    Margafet Mead
    Margaret Wertheim
    Mark Maron
    Marriage And Guns
    Marriage/partnership
    Martin Sheen
    Mary Docherty
    Mary Oliver
    Masks
    Mass Shootngs In The Us
    Masturbation
    Matthew Sanford
    Medea
    Mein Kamp
    Meister Eckhart
    Melissa Mccarthy
    Memorial Day
    Memorization Or Learning To Think
    Mental Health
    Mental Illness
    Mentoring
    Mentors
    Mercy
    Metaphysical
    Minimum Wage
    Miracles
    Mirrors
    Mistakes
    Money
    Mood Changes
    Mood Communication
    Mood Ring
    Moral
    Moral Constructs
    Moral Imperative
    Moral Imperatives
    More War
    Mother Theresa
    Movie
    Mr. Holmes
    Mrs. Sheppard
    Mt Olive Correctional Complex
    Mt Olive Correction System
    Muslim Mercy
    Muslin
    My Grandfather's Blessings
    Nagaski
    Naomi Shihab Nye
    National Guard
    Native Americans And Animals
    Natural
    Natural Born Bullies
    Nature Versus Nurture
    Nazi Symbols
    Negagive Space
    Nick Ortner
    Nikki Giovanni
    Nirvana
    Nuclear Families Vs Community
    Nuclear Weapons Truth
    Null Hypothees
    Occupational Psychologist
    Ontological
    Open Mindedness
    Oppoairion Defiant
    Orderliness Of Fundamentalism
    Our Story
    Owen Labrie
    Owning Ourself With Pride
    Pacifist
    Paleoconservatives
    Panera Community
    Panera's - Office Open
    Parental Role
    Parenting
    Parenting Adult Children
    Parker Palmer
    Parlor
    Parlour
    Patience
    Patrick Buchanan
    Pay It Backwards
    Perception
    Perils Of Immediate Gratification
    Peta
    Peter Marshall
    Philosophy
    Philosophy - Classic Education
    Phyaixl Ca Mental
    Pico Iyer
    Pink Triange
    Pissing Contest
    Placebo
    Playing It Forward
    Play It Forward
    Pleasie
    Pleasure
    Poland
    Pope Francis
    Porn
    Post Traumatic Stress
    Power Games
    Powerlessness
    Prayer
    Prayer Of Contrition
    President Obama
    Priorities
    Prison
    Prisons
    Problem Of
    Processing Speed
    ProDad.com
    Professional Elitism
    Prostituting Ourselves
    Punishment
    Purpose Of Humor
    Pyschologiy Of Oppression
    Quit Manufacturing Guns
    Quran
    Racism
    Racism And Police Work
    Raf Casert
    Rain Forest
    Rainfow Flag
    Rami Nashashibi
    Realistic Goals
    Recipe For Contentment
    Redifining Humanness
    Refugees
    Refugees -children
    Reinhold Neibuhr
    Religion
    Religion Vs Spirituality
    Religious Behavior
    Religious Freedom Laws
    Remaking Detroil
    Remembered Wellness
    Rendition
    Rental Space
    Repair
    Repairing The Damage
    Resentments
    Respect
    Right Versus Right
    Robert Enright
    Robin Grille
    Robin Williams
    Rod Monroe
    Ron Hubbard
    Ronnie Green
    Rules
    Rumi
    Rutgers University
    Sacredguests
    Salaries University Of Missouri
    Salt And Pepper
    Sam Tsemberis
    Sanity
    Sarcasm
    Sardonicism
    School Bells
    School Dress Clothes
    School Uniforms
    Science Of The Rain Forest
    Scientific Method
    Scientology Church
    Self Centerness
    Self Consciousness
    Self Fulfilling Prophecies
    Self-help Groups
    Self-Portrait
    Self Righteousness
    Selling Arms
    Serenity Prayer
    Setting Up Children To Lie
    Sex Education
    Sex Offenders
    Sexual Abuse Response
    Sexual Addiction Help
    Sexual Beings
    Sexual Conduct
    Sexual Conduct Of Priests
    Sexual Dress
    Sexuality - Claiming
    Sexual Offenders
    Shaespeare
    Shaman
    Shame
    Sharing
    Shenpa
    Sherlock Holmes
    Shots On The Bridge
    Silence
    Sin Points
    Siri
    Slavery
    Sloth
    Slovenly
    Social Construct
    Social Ineractionsts
    Socialism
    Social Progress
    Solid
    Song Of Song
    Sonny De La Pena
    Sorrow
    Space Consciousness
    Spirituality
    Spiritual Values
    Sponsors
    Stages Of Development
    Step 10 Of 12 Step Program
    Step 11 Of 12 Step Program
    Step 3 Of 12 Step Progrm
    Step 5 Of 12 Step Program
    Step 7 Of 12 Step Program
    Step 9 Of 12 Step Program
    Steve Jobs
    St. Francis
    St. Thomas More
    Stupid
    Success
    Sufficating Relationships
    Suicide
    Synappes
    System Which Is Our Body
    Taking Behavior Of Kids Seriously
    Talking About Anger With Six-year Old
    Tapping
    Teach
    Team Building
    Team Player
    Tears
    Ted Talks
    Tenderness
    Terrorist
    Terry Bicehouse
    Terry Gross
    Teshuvah
    Test Scores
    The 12 Step Program And Healing Nations
    The Complicity Of All Of Us
    The Dragon Of Inrernalized Lies
    The Gatekeepers
    The Grateful Dad
    The Journey
    The Lie Of The Cathoic Church About Sexual Activity Of Clergy And Lay People
    The Many
    There Is No Figate Like A Book.
    The Sky Is Falling
    The Wandering Mind
    The Way To Happiness
    The Wold Of The Soul
    Thinking Outside The Box
    This God Thing
    Thomas Merton
    Thomas Moore
    Time
    Tjhe Power Of The Word
    Tlingit Indians
    To Clothe Or Not To Clothe
    Tolerance
    Tops And Bottoms
    Torture
    To Whom Much Is Given Much Is Expected
    Transgender
    Treaty With Iran
    Trust
    Truth Expectations
    Truths
    Tyler Perry
    United States
    University Of Missouri
    Using Our Gifts
    Using Sex To Sell Material Goods
    Values
    Vengeance Vs Forgiveness
    Victim
    Vioence Begets Violence
    Violence As Infectious Disease
    Violent Video Games
    Vocation
    Vocation Vs Job
    Walter Palmer
    Walt Whitman
    Wants Vs Needs
    W. D. Auden - Erotic Poem
    Weapons Of Destruction
    Weapons Sales
    We Are Heartily Sorry
    Welcome Home
    Welcoming Stress
    Wer
    What If
    What Price
    Wheeling. WV
    Who Are We
    Wif
    William Blake
    Winning And Losing
    Winter Poem
    Wisdom
    Women Psychologiss At Harvard
    Wonder
    Wtf Radio Program
    Wv Div Of Corrections
    Yemen
    Yin And Yang Of Life And Death
    Yon Kippur
    Zen

    RSS Feed

PWeb Hosting by iPage