​To trust or not to trust!
 
Many individuals have been deeply hurt because someone has violated what they thoughts of as a sacred trust.  Some individuals may have been born into a family which was unable to provide a safe, trusting home.    Some may have been left alone because of the death of one or more family members – parents, spouse, or siblings. 
 
Often those who have experienced the violation of trust (intentionally or non-intentionally) decide the safest course is to not trust anyone.  Not trusting anyone entails staying emotionally disconnected.  This is a very lonely space.  Often, a person will use cynicism, anger, or depression/flat disconnected affect as defense mechanisms/walls.
 
If the person who has seemed to betray one is oneself then one may feel even more isolated and lonely “Mental illness”, addiction and many other illnesses which affect how our brain works (or does not work) and can result in behavior which is contrary to one’s core values.   It can be very frightening when it seems as if one is not able to make and execute decisions.  If one cannot trust oneself, it can be very frightening to consider trusting someone else. 
 
Healing from active addiction, mental illness, other diseases and “dis eases” of the brain require that one first began to trust that one is worthy of love.  Often sharing with others in a healing group setting, a therapist or oned other person can help one begin to see that they are not essentially different than others. We have all taken care of ourselves the best way we believed that we could.
 
Once one has claimed some self-love and self-respect one will begin to feel stronger and begin to trust that one is much stronger than one may have believed in the past. 
 
From that position of strength, one can begin to trust others until one has a reason not to trust.   If and when one discovers that a person is not heathy enough to be trusted one can, with love, set some realistic boundaries.  I suggest one do so with love and humility.
 
I am suggesting that, from a position of strength, it is always safe to trust until one learns that it is unsafe to trust.  This is the opposite dance of starting from a position of mistrust and waiting for the person to prove that they are trustworthy.  When any of us feels as if our worthiness is being tested we may refuse to be tested and just back off thus proving that we cannot be trusted.  Obviously, this is a self-sabotaging dance.
 
My experience is that most people can be trusted as long as I am okay with our shared humanness.   I do not have to take every behavior of others as personal and, thus, as an excuse for judging and pushing them away.   Of course, I should not set others up to fail the test of trust.  If someone’s untreated mental illness, addiction or life circumstances are such that they do not have the luxury of considering the needs of others, I am not going to expect that they are present enough to have a healthy, equal friendship.  This does not mean I am justified in judging or shunning them.  They are simply not able to be present enough to consider my needs. 
 
The better I am able to take care of myself the stronger I will be. The stronger I am,  the safer it is to take the risk of trusting others.
 
Written May 30, 2018
 

​“Choosing curiosity over fear”
 
This past week the podcast On Being is a  July 7, 2016 rebroadcast of a conversation between the host, Krista Tippett and the author Elizabeth Gilbert. Ms. Gilbert’s best known book is Eat Pray Love. Her most recent book is Big Magic:  Creative Living Beyond Fear.
 
Ms. Gilbert talks about her own battle with depression, with having to claim her own identity as a woman who had and has an ability to move beyond fear to curiosity.  Ms. Giblert defines creativity as “choosing curiosity over fear.”  She contrasts curiosity and passion.  Curiosity is a much quieter, gentle, perhaps even plodding way to move forward with one’s dance
 
It is obvious that we live in a world in which we have learned to be fearful.  Instant and continuous news about wars around the words, angry words being tweeted by world “leaders”,  mass killings in schools, violence of and about drugs, and the challenge of claiming our own identify all contribute to the dance of fear.  
 
If one is one of the lucky ones to have stumbled onto curiosity, heard and heeded its call, or born into a place and time where answering the call was supported and perhaps encouraged, then one knows its rewards.
 
I recently received a note from a nephew thanking me for a graduation gift.   The note said in part, “I am glad you are a part of my mother’s family. I think it’s great you’re a gay man who is comfortable enough in who you are….  I greatly appreciated his note and his honesty,
 
Certainly there was a long time when I heeded the call to fear; when despite my curiosity about my sexual orientation, my beliefs which conflicted with many of the Southern Baptist Southern beliefs with which I had been raised, and my fear that I was not intellectually bright enough to attend college I choose to do my best to feed my curiosity in all areas of my life dance.  A part of me needed to open those forbidden doors; needed to satisfy my curiosity.
 
Ms. Gilbert reminded me that there is something within me which has propelled me forward in spite of the fear.  Today, much of the time, fear is a distant or squeaky voice.    As is true for all of us, there are times when I think I might allow the fear to take charge and forego potential criticism or disagreements.  Yet, most of the time, curiosity takes over. Such is the case with writing this blog.  Many days fear tells me I have nothing important to say.  Fear tells me that a line directing readers to the On Being Podcast or some other source which has gently tickled my curiosity is all I need to write.   Yet, I seem unable to allow that fear to be in charge.   I am eternally curious to see what will emerge on this page as I write.
 
Written May 28, 2018

​Honoring those who have served and those who serve today
 
In the United States this day has been set aside as Memorial to honor those who have died while serving in this country’s Armed Forced.   It has, it seems often morphed into a day to remember all those who have served in the armed forces and all who have served others.  I recall, as a child, gathering at the cemetery on Memorial Day. Grandma and other women in the family would have cooked fried chicken, potato salad, homemade pickles, deviled eggs and other goodies which somehow did not become dangerous to eat after sitting in the Oklahoma sun. Graves would be cleaned and stories told to honor all those who had been laid to rest in that space.  Some of those honored were indeed those who had died in the armed forces.  Of course, there were many whose bodies did not come home to be buried in this common resting place.
 
Today, as I think of friends and families who have died serving in the military and serving day-to-day on the home front, I think of many battles which we continue to wage against each other and against ourselves.   I am aware of those I know who have served in combat and the many scars – internal and external –  with which they live each day.  
 
I am aware of all those suffering great hardship as they flee – often with young children – the war machines which make it impossible to safely live in their home country.   I am aware of the many families who open their homes and hearts to these brothers and sisters who are labeled aliens or immigrants and who are seen by others as a burden or as illegals.   My heart is sad just thinking about them.
 
I am also aware of all those who struggle with an internal war which often leads to the loss of hope; which leads first to the death of spirit and then the death of body. Addiction often accompanied by another illness such as depression has left empty plates at many family gatherings today.  On this Memorial Day let us also honor and remember those who have been killed by this internal war. Let us remember the many families who are grieving a loss as deep as those who have lost someone in active combat.
 
This loss of hope in the possibilities of faith in each other which leads to active wars; this loss of hope which leads to this attempt to out bully each other; this loss of hope which results in each side creating more weapons; this loss of hope which leads individuals and nations to feed upon power, greed, hate and other bitter and destructive weapons of mass destruction; this lost hope must be found if we are to survive; this hope in our better selves; this hopes in the better selves of those we call enemies; this hope that we do not have to keep give our family members to addiction; this hope that we can all find our better selves.
 
On this Memorial Day let us celebrate hope and the courage to trust in the creative power of love.
 
Written May 28, 2018
 

​Sunday musings – May 27, 2018
 
Some days I sit down to write and I do not show up emotionally and spiritually.  I may then check in with some individuals via email, text or Facebook messenger. I may start the tasks which are on the to do list for that day.  Sometimes, as we as true for this morning, I respond to a phone call. Before long it is time to go to the gym.  On Sundays, since the gym opens later, I first enjoy breakfast.  Once at the guy, I begin my work out and listen to NPR news or a podcast.  On some Sundays, such as today, there is a new podcast of Ear Hustle. Today I listened to Episode 17 – The Row.   Ear Hustle “is a partnership between Nigel Poor, a Bay Area visual artist and Earlionne Woods, currently incarcerated at Sn Quentin State Prison, and was cofounded with fellow inmate Antwan Williams.” 
 
“The Row” refers to death row.  San Quentin houses the 700 (give or take a few)
California inmates waiting on death row to be executed.  Although no one has been executed in California since 2006, in 2016 the voters of California were asked to decide between speeding up the process of appeals of those on death row or to do away with capital punishment. They voted to speed up the process It is 12 years post-election and there have not been any executions.
 
Ms. Poor and Mr. Woods were able to send out a letter in the Prison newspaper asking folks on death row to share their story.  Although Ms. Poor and Mr. Woods were not able to contact the men on death row the men were then able to call into the podcast recording studio. They got very few responses. Not surprisingly, those few who did call in were men who have found a way to treat their time on death row as an opportunity to grow spiritually.  One man remarked that as was true for many great spiritual leaders, being on death row can be like going off to the wilderness to be by oneself to find meaning. Some of those inmates, such Steve, ask “Who am I? What is my purpose?  Will, I choose to wake up happy?”   One of the death row inmates who called in remarked that in some ways it is easier on death row to find or make time for what I will call spiritual growth. There are no responsibilities of children, house chores, or a full-time job. One is not focusing on spiritual growth to gain time off for good behavior or to impress someone else.  The only motivation and reward is internal.
 
There are many examples of spiritual teachers going off to the wilderness by choice or force. Dietrich Bonhoeffer chose to resist the Nazi, went to prison and was eventually executed.  Nelson Mandela was imprisoned. Jesus periodically went off to the wilderness. Many friends of mine have chosen extended silent spiritual retreats. Many I know daily decide to be spiritually intentional.
 
On this Sunday morning, I am acutely aware that I can choose to focus on all the insanity and injustice of the world. I can focus on all the ways that I have actively and passively strayed from my spiritual path this past week. I can focus on all those local, family and world situations over which I have no control or I can choose to focus on a positive spiritual goal/purpose for this moment.  
 
It may seem ironic that today my most powerful teachers are a few men on death row in California. Obviously, once again, I could beat myself up for the thousands of ways I have actively or passively hurt others; for the many ways I waste my time, or neglect to appreciate my freedom.  I could choose to judge my “crimes” as less than those of those “murderers” on death row.  I could also choose to hear the wisdom of the spiritual teachers coming my way via Ear Hustle.
 
Written May 27, 2018
 
 

​Learning to love?
 
Do we learn to love or we born open to loving and learn not to love?
 
It seems to me, baring neurological disorder which may prevent one from connecting with parts of self and others, humans are born open to loving - themselves, others, and the world in general.   Early on we learn that certain things are not safe to love – fire, prickly branches, things that cut, or behavior that cause injury such as hitting finger with a pot or, sadly, being hit or shunned by another person. 
 
I spend a lot of time observing infants, children and adults.  Most infants are curious about everything. They touch, smell, and taste. They explore the concept of gravity long before they know the word. They study stress by pulling on or pushing objects or hair of another person or animal. 
 
Infants are curious about and explore their own bodies – what they feel like, taste like, and how they move in relationships to themselves and the rest of the world.  They freely emote with laughter, sadness, pain, joy and wonder.  They do not know the rules for being male and female although as soon as a blanket color is assigned they are handled differently.
 
Very early, even in today’s world, babies begin to learn the rules for relating to their own physical, emotional and intellectual bodies.   By the time that they are five or six most children can articulate many of the rules for the role they have been assigned because of gender, appearance, race, culture, religion, status or other factors. Many of these rules dictate that one should dissociate from or deny many parts of oneself.  Many boys of most races will have learned not to share emotions other than anger.  Lack of emotions is considered being tough. Needing to touch in a loving, non-sexual way is considered “weird” or inappropriate for a person who is labeled as a male
 
By the time a male reaches puberty he has learned more rules about loving himself and others. Although some boys today find it easier to openly love themselves event when they may not fit the stereotype of the heterosexual, tough males, most boys by puberty are learning that they should be sexually desirous or turned on by most females especially those who fit the prevailing standard of sexy.  Serious time and serious discussions are still mainly with other males and not females.
 
Boys are learning that touching other than the high five, the fist, arm or shoulder bump is connected with sexual activity or the hopes of sexual activity with someone of the opposite sex.  Exceptions are reluctantly made for mothers – in private.  Girls are also learning their own rules. For example, they are learning what is considered desirable or sexy in a male. All too often they are leaning that sexy/attractive/mate material is that male who, as a partner, will be emotionally unavailable and will expect most touching to occur during sexual activity.  The need of males to connect has not changed since they were infants, but the range of activities during which they are permitted to touch is primarily limited to sexual activity and depending on the culture to certain rituals such as religious activities, funerals, and combat.

Countries dominated by males or masculine rules use physical and military power, bullying and threats of same as primary tools of intimacy with other nations.
 
If we, as a culture/country/species are serious about exploring sexual abuse, including sexual harassment, we will want to explore what we are teaching males and females about loving – about intimacy with self and others.  If we truly want loving, safe and non- abusive relationships we will want to give non-sexual options for intimacy.  If we want sexual relationships to be celebrated it has to be mutually agreed upon and safe.  If we want to honor innate human need to touch and be touched we need to look at what we are teaching about safe, acceptable ways to meet that essential need.
 
In other words, as is true for most issues, sexual abuse including sexual harassment is a systemic issue in which all of us as parents, teachers, and other mentors have a role.
 
Written May 26, 2018
 
 
 
 

​Magic – Fairy Dust
 
No matter how often I travel from one place to another - across a town or across an ocean – I continue to be fascinated that I can be I can be here and then quickly there.   Last Thursday at this time I was on my way to Oklahoma City via a plane.   My flight from Pittsburgh first took me to O-Hara Airport in Chicago.  Once in Oklahoma City I was soon installed in the rental car which I would drive to Canton, Texas where my brother and his wife live.   Saturday, I drove from Canton to the home of one of my sisters who lives near Sapulpa, Oklahoma.  By Monday night I was back in my home here in Wheeling, WV.   Yesterday I was in Pittsburgh most of the day and today I will be in my home office much of the day although. I was at the gym earlier and later will go to the local post office.
 
I have friends who travel often for their employer.  Their travels may take them across town or someplace as far away as China.
 
I often wonder about the trail I leave in every place that I visit whether that be for an hour or for years. I am sure that I have left a trail at the gym this morning.  I will also leave parts of myself with everyone I meet at places such as the post office.  What will I leave? I will leave:
 

• Pieces of me which contain not only my history but the history of all my ancestors.
• Energy – positive or negative. Perhaps neutral.  Is neutral really possible?
• Thoughts – spoken or unspoken.
• Hope perhaps.
• Love, hate or indifference
• Sometimes an object – graffiti, a sculpture, music, a painting, a dance, or ….
• A symbol of my thoughts or feelings.

 
The possibilities are endless.   Humans who travel in space sometimes leave objects on the far away planets they visit.
 
Here on this planet we now talk of the carbon footprint we are leaving each day.
 
If I am truthful I am often thinking of what others are leaving or not leaving me and not what I am leaving.  I may be thinking “they” could have been nicer, more spiritual, more loving, less self-centered, more honest, less arrogant, more kind, or more considerate.    I may be worried about how someone is going to treat me rather than focusing on how I want to treat them no matter they do or say or do not do or say.
 
The magic of travel –across a room, a city, a country, a continent or planets – is an opportunity to leave a footprint of love, strength, courage, hope, or just gratitude which I suppose is a part of love. I could think of travel as an opportunity to spread what some – especially children – might call fairy dust.
 
Today I will be more intentionally mindful of how what I am leaving in all the places and with all the people I visit.  When I notice myself focusing on what others are leaving or not leaving, doing or not doing I will bring my focus back to what I am leaving. I know that when I do that I will always also pick up something positive which I will bring back to pass on to others.  That may be courage, hope, a smile, joy, courage or fairy dust. I will attempt to not bring back mirrors of my darker side.
 
Written May 24, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Costuming and Sexual Intimacy
 
Sometimes I hear myself channeling my ancestors, especially Grandma Fannie.  I recall them saying:
 

• Young people have no respect.
• This generation is lazy.
• The way young people dress is shameful.
• This is the most negative political campaign I have ever heard.
• Doesn’t anyone know that money does not grow on trees?

 
It is helpful for me to remember that older people (including me) have been making the same observations and comments for a long time.  Probably forever.  Yet, I do think that some things have changed.  Consider, for example,  how acceptable dress and grooming has changed.  When I was young:
 

• One dressed for church, flying, and most indoor social occasions in rather formal clothes – suit, dress shirts and ties for men; dresses, hats and heels for women.
• One had few costumes.  Growing up I had a school costume which also doubled as church costume, a chore/farm work costume, and a sleep costume.  One had tiny or no closets, but then one did not have enough clothes to fill a closet.
• Divorced or other single women wore dresses which might merely hint at legs and figures.
• Widows wore black for a ““respectable” period of time.
• Women could not wear pants even if their job dictated such a practical form of dress.
• Women did not wear curlers in public!
• Unless a woman was aristocratic and dressing for a ball, one did not show cleavage. Perhaps an ankle but not cleavage.

 
Now acceptable dress includes:

• Shopping in curlers, nightclothes, halters and even tee shirts which leave beer bellies exposed.
• Cleavage to one’s navel and shorts revealing one’s pubic hair.
• Swimwear revealing bare butts, a lot of cleavage, and the clear outline of male and female crotches.
• Whatever seems comfortable, irrespective of appearances, for church, shopping, airports and even business places.

 
There does continue to be a different standard for men and women.  With the exception of comments regarding the hair “style” of the current president of the United States, only the physical appearance of a woman is open to criticism no matter what her role.
 
Other costume related changes include:
 

• Dressing to be as sexually present as possible.
• A flexibility which allows for ease of travel. Thus, if traveling, it is okay to attend a symphony even if one has not brought a dressy costume.
• Permission, even if one has willing de-costumed, to say no to sexual advances/invitations.

 
It may seem as if we old people keep yearning for the simplicity and formality of what we remember.  Could it be that aging changes our perspective?   Perhaps the concerns and questions about costuming has a lot of do with sagging or disappearing body parts, the redistribution of body hair, other adjustments and not just with “letting it all hang out, over suggestively”.  Yet, this old man wonders as if more circumspection in costuming kept the lines a little clearer.
 
I also wonder if the current costuming trends blurs the communication about when it is okay to initiate the mating dance which is necessary for the survival for this human species.  Let me be very clear about what it is I am asking. Both males and females need to be treated with respect no matter what job or role they are performing.  It is never okay to treat someone as a sexual object.  At the same time, I am wondering if the manner of costuming sends conflicting messages.  I also wonder if this can be intentional.   If I see a man or a woman in a professional setting – a classroom, courtroom, or business setting – dressed as if they are ready for a night of trolling at a singles bar – it is more difficult for me to focus on their professional role.  While writing I am sitting in the waiting room of a medical facility.  The dress of the staff clearly indicates that I am to relate to individuals as doctors, nurses, other medical personnel or clerks.   No one’s dress hints at an invitation to anything other than a business/professional relationship.   I am also dressed in a costume – button down shirt, dress slacks, and freshly showered – which hopefully communicates that I am here as a patient-partner in my own health care. 
 
 
Written May 21, 2018

​ 
The wolf of addiction
 
Scientist now document that addiction changes how one’s brain is able to process incoming stimuli including internal information/signals. Many drugs including alcohol either numb one out so one does not get appropriate pain cues or they make the body hyper sensitive to internal and external stimuli.  It may also be that many addicts experience those stimuli more intensely prior to experiencing brain changes caused directly and indirectly by drug use or other addictive behavior.  It is no wonder, that those who live , work with or otherwise have contact with addicts experience them as overly dramatic. Some might think of them as drama kings or queens.  What others view is pseudo emergencies, the addict experiences as emergencies or crises.
 
During the active addiction and even after the addict gets into recovery, the family members, friends and co-workers have learned to numb themselves to what they might consider the wolf calls.  Thus, it is easy for them to ignore or discount genuine emergencies – even life threatening ones.    The addict whose self-esteem is already non-existent or at a very low point – even the recovering one – may begin to feel as if it does not matter to anyone if they live or die.
 
This is just one of the many reasons that it is important for the addict to (1) get into recovery and (2) get help from other recovering addicts who understand why everyone seems numb to the physical and emotional issues of the addict.  Other recovery addicts can be both empathetic and provide a reality check for dealing with life on life’s terms. The addict in recovery learns that  issues such as the death of a loved one, accidents, financial issues, and even intense physical pain are “normal” life events that most people just deal with. This does not mean an absence of emotion.  It does mean that family members, friends and co-workers do not stop their lives every time life shows up.  In fact that they act as if there are no life crises.  There is just life showing up.  If the newly recovering addict discovers that he or she is experiencing a serious life issue folks may or may not provide some practical assistance.   After all, others have jobs, bills to pay, lawns to mow, friends to nourish, and their own health care to which they need to attend.
 
One of the paradoxes of this life journey is:  “All is important and nothing is important.”  While we may love and care for each other, no matter what we do or do not do this life journey is very, very brief.  Certainly,  I do not want my son to be homeless,  to allow my homeowners insurance to lapse, to have friends deal with chronic pain, or to see children or adults abused.  Yet, these and other events will come and go.   In just an instant we all end this life journey.
 
I hope that most of us can learn to access that internal dialogue which allows  us to take a deep breath and remind the drama voice that we can and will deal with the life event which the other internal voice is labeling as the crisis de jour.
 
Written May 21, 2018
 
 

​Examining our motives
 
There is no doubt in my mind that:
 

• Sexism is immoral.
• Sexual harassment is immoral.
• Sexual abuse- sex forced by position and/or physical power - is immoral.
• Physical abuse is immoral.

 
Unless some one of us have been kept in a protective bubble all of our lives we have learned how to mistreat each other. If male, we have learned that women are to be treasured but not necessarily respected as equals emotionally and intellectually.  We have also learned that, as males, we should sexually desire and use women (or another man if not heterosexual) to satisfy our need for closeness.
                                                                             
It is, of course, true that all of do better physically and emotionally if we are unconditionally loved and accepted.  Emotional and physical touch is necessary for our overall health.  Having a romantic or sexual partner is not necessary.  Many men continue to expect a woman (perhaps more than one) to provide all the emotional and physical intimacy they need and to believe that sexual intimacy is the primary way of satisfying that essential need.
 
When I am deciding what level of support I can give the MeToo Movement I need to consider the above plus other factors which contribute to a climate of looking the other way when mistreatment occurs.   Everyone deserves to be validated as more than an object to be used and abused.    Everyone deserves to be able to use their gifts and talents to do the best job at the highest level of which they are capable no matter their gender, age, race, religion, physical appearance, sexual orientation or their sexual appeal.
 
If I mistreat someone by treating them as a sexual object I need to be accountable for my actions. I also need to do all I can to ensure that work or any other environment is made safe for everyone. 
 
Sometimes the goals of movements such as the MeToo Movement are not clear to me.  Possible goals are:
 

• Public acknowledgement of a problem.
• Formulating a plan to correct the problem.
• Articulating how to create safe environments and to continue to learn how to honor individual worth independent of sexual desires or attractions.
• Honoring our need and enjoyment of our sexuality in a positive, affirming manner.

I am not convinced that accountability equals punishment.  
Just as I believe that it is immoral for me to view another as just a sexual object whose purpose is to satisfy my needs/desires, I believe it is immoral to treat the person who has crossed the moral line as just a bad or immoral person.  In other words, we are all more than our worst deed.
 
I am well aware that some individuals have repeatedly harassed and/or otherwise mistreated others.  Some of these individuals may need treatment for addictive and/or compulsive behavior.  A few may be unable to benefit from treatment and may need to be in a safe, life affirming, protected place.   Some may have no tools for identifying their actual needs and finding healthy ways of meeting those needs.  Some certainly need to be relieved of their position of power unless and until they are able to consistently respect others. 
 
Shaming and punishing does not lead to a safer and more loving society.   While I need to be empathetic, and even sad/remorseful if I cause harm to someone else, everyone is best served if my energy is spent focusing on doing what needs to be done to change my behavior. 
 
I would hope that all of us can be committed to supporting a movement whose goal is to do all that is possible to create a safe society.  Treating those who have learned to treat others as less than or those who have a compulsive and/or addictive disorder as less than does not benefit anyone long term.  If a movement, for the moment, has power they use to mistreat others who have mistreated others then as soon as the power dynamic changes further mistreatment will take place.
 
Another way of stating this is that oppressing the oppressors does not end oppression.  I believe the goal needs to be to end all forms of mistreatment of ourselves and others.
 
Written May 21, 2018

​Sunday Musings – May 20, 2018
Building a friendship
 
I am in Sapulpa, Oklahoma visiting my sisters and some of their family today. On Thursday, I flew into Oklahoma City, rented a car and drove to Canton, Texas near Dallas where my brother and his wife live.   My sisters, Bonnie and Pat, and Bonnie’s husband, Carl, had already driven down from Oklahoma.   We visited until Saturday afternoon and then drove back here.  I will fly back to Pittsburgh tomorrow.  
 
While we were visiting another school shooting happened – in Texas this time – a royal wedding took place, and violence continued in homes,  workplaces and between countries.   No matter what any of us are doing or not doing life show up.  Sometimes it seems as if in this day of instant and continuous news reports it would be easy to become discouraged about the future of us humans.  Yet, there are always moments of beauty and love.  As was true even in the death camps, moments of friendship, music and art are always available.
 
I was thinking of that fact this morning when I started listening to this week’s podcast of On Being with host Krista Tippett. This week, May 17, 2018, her conversation was with Derek Black and Matthew Stevenson.   Some readers may know Derek Black as the godson of David Duke and the son of the man “who founded the web’s first and largest white power website.  Black spent the first two decades of his life as an enthusiastic aid to his family’s activism, running a political campaign, a radio network and organizing conferences.”
 
When Matthew was at college he hosted a weekly Sabbath dinner in his dorm room.  He decided to invite Derek and let his friends know that they were not to verbally criticize or attack him.  For two years Derek joined Matthew and his friends for Sabbath dinner at which they visited and discussed a variety of topics but not “the topic” of Derek’s white nationalist beliefs. 
 
Two years is a long time to allow the ingredients of a friendship to meld together.  Few of us have that sort of patience and, yet, this story confirms what most of us intrinsically know and what research tells us.   Name calling and otherwise attacking each other does not lead to mutual education or the ability to hear each other.   Derek eventually came to a place where he was able to “listen” to how he was misusing statistics and other information.  Eventually, he was able to renounce the views of white nationalism which had seemed so set in stone to him.
 
There have always been those who are determined to approach each other as humans who are no different despite religious and political labels they have inherited and/or adopted.   Palestinians and Jewish family have sat together for many years. Many African Americans and white nationalists have sat together and taken care of each other for years without affecting their public political and even religious views.
 
We know how to move toward peace.   It always begins with the patience to build something solid based on what two or more people have in common.
 
Even though I am very intentional about not treating others as labels I can be very inpatient with others and with myself. I can easily focus on wanting to change the viewpoints of others rather than what we have in common and learning from each other.
 
As Derek and Matthew both point out speaking out against hate, injustice and all forms of violence is often necessary and powerful, but only when done in love and with enormous humility.
 
Today I will remind myself to listen with love, humility and patience.
 
Written May 20, 2018