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Sunday Musings - May 28, 2023

5/27/2023

Sunday Musings - May 28, 2023
Memorial Day Weekend

Tomorrow is the official Memorial Day holiday in the United States.  As I have previously noted this holiday originated following the civil war to honor those who died in the service of their country.  It became an official United States holiday in 1971.

I am a veteran and have many friends and acquaintances who are veterans. Many have served in combat roles.  I am acutely aware that today many from the United States and other countries are voluntarily continuing to put themselves in harm’s way.  Many others will be responsible for tending to the physical and psychological wounds of those who have been injured while still others will need to provide comfort and practical help to the family members who are left.  The casualties include those so-called civilians, many of whom are now refugees without a physical home or means of support.  The causalities also include all the infrastructures which create a village, town or city or supply services to the nearby farmers and ranchers.

Obviously, there are no winners - only losers- in war.  Even though there may seem to be a temporary winner militarily, when we destroy each other and our homes, no matter how seemingly rational or necessary our justifications, some part of us dies.

I could easily posit a detailed argument against participating in violence even when I am only “doing my duty” as a law enforcement person or a member of a legal military force.  I could just as easily posit a detailed argument in favor to justify using violence to oppose the violent action of a person or country.

There are many who posit that all life is sacred, but who speak with forked tongue.  Some may sincerely believe from the moment of conception abortion is immoral while also believing that justice demands killing those convicted of certain acts.  Often this duality is justified by suggesting that a fetus is sacred while an adult who commits certain acts is non-human evil.

There are those who hold that all life is sacred while also maintaining it is moral to pay someone a non-livable wage while paying others millions of dollars a year.

Some believe the killing and eating of any animal by humans is immoral because animals too are sacred while acknowledging that the killing of animal by animals is not a choice but a survival instinct built into the genetic makeup of some animals.

Ethicists or moral philosophers such as Peter Singer suggest that it is moral or even kind to allow a doctor and parents to decide to pull the plug on a baby who can never have what is a considered a quality life - a life of other than assisted breathing with no cognitive ability.  Dr. Singer might also maintain it is moral to allow those adults who have no hope of a qualitative life to control the timing and means of their death while denying the logic of those who are responsible for such acts as  the gas chambers of WWII.

I have previously referenced the offering of gratitude by certain so called primitive tribal people to the Gods or Mother Earth for the substance provided. The ritual of gratitude might entail the sharing of a drink or other forms of substance with mother earth.

Some believe prayer is always about gratitude no matter the nature of the God or Gods of one’s understanding. Gratitude seems to suggest:

An appreciation of grace which suggests humility. Grace in my understanding in an unearned gift; a belief that one is no more or less deserving than others.

Being present to the moment; being conscious of the interdependence of all existence.

An obligation to use the rewards of our gifts to be our best selves. Being our best self might suggest living out the beatitudes or the equivalent to the best of our ability.

I regularly listen to a podcast entitled “The Gray Area” whose host is Sean Iling or another seeker who knows there are indeed many gray areas.

I have a suspicion if, as I metaphorically visit my ancestors this Memorial Day weekend, they would suggest if we want to aspire to a moral life that we practice humility and gratitude in equal portions; that we attend to the gray areas the acknowledgment of which might need to be the basis for all our decisions whether those be in our immediate family or in the halls of congress.

Today I offer gratitude to those who live in the gray areas. Today I suggest we respond to each other, including those of us who are veterans, with humility and gratitude.

Written May 28, 2023
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

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Sunday Musings - May 21, 2023

5/20/2023

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SUNDAY MUSINGS - MAY 21, 2023

A FRIEND RECENTLY REMARKED THAT I SEEM TO BE ATTENDING A LOT OF FUNERALS.  IT IS TRUE.  JUST IN THE PAST YEAR IN MY CLOSEST CIRCLE OF FRIENDSHIPS DAVID, DENIS, GREG, SISSY, KATHRINE, VILJA, BEVERLY, BOB, JOHN AS WELL AS OTHERS HAVE COMPLETED THEIR LIFE JOURNEY.   SEVERAL OTHERS IN THE NEXT CLOSEST CIRCLE HAVE ALSO COMPLETED THEIR JOURNEY.  STILL OTHERS I KNOW STAY CLOSE TO THE EDGE AS THEY LIVE WITH CANCER, ADDICTION, DEMENTIA AND OTHER ILLNESSES.  AT 83, MY CONTEMPORARIES ARE CLOSER TO 100 THAN THEY ARE TO 20.

THOSE OF US WHO LIVED THROUGH THE TIME WHEN AIDS WAS A FREQUENT VISITOR SOMETIMES ATTENDED SEVERAL FUNERALS OR MEMORIAL SERVICES A WEEK. IN MORE RECENT YEARS THOSE OF US WHO LOVE THOSE WITH ADDICTIVE DISORDERS HAVE HAD MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS.

INTELLECTUALLY I HAVE LONG KNOWN THAT THIS JOURNEY IS TIME LIMITED; THAT WE ARE PROMISED ONLY THIS MOMENT.  THEOLOGICALLY, IN THE RELIGIOUS TRADITIONS IN WHICH I WAS RAISED, THIS TEMPORAL LIFE IS A PRELUDE TO WHAT IS REFERRED TO AS “ETERNAL LIFE”. FROM THOSE PERSPECTIVES I SHOULD NEITHER BE SURPRISED NOR SADDENED WHEN SOMEONE COMPLETES THIS BRIEF LIFE JOURNEY. LIFE COMES AND LIFE ENDS. IT IS THE NATURAL ORDER OR PROCESS.

WHAT ARE THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS WE MIGHT ASK OURSELVES AS WE FACE THIS REALITY HEAD ON?  THEY MIGHT INCLUDE:

HAVE WE LOVED AS UNCONDITIONALLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE?

HAS OUR HUMAN TENDENCY TO COMPARE AND JUDGE KEPT US MORE DISTANT THAN WE NEEDED TO BE?

HAS OUR EGO HELD ON TO RESENTMENTS AND OTHER SHIELDS THAT WERE NOT NEEDED?

HAS OUR ATTACHMENT TO PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS, MONEY, OR OTHER THINGS PREVENTED US FROM BEING AS PRESENT TO OUR FRIENDSHIPS AS WE MEANT TO BE?

HAS OUR FAILURE TO MAKE OUR OWN HEALTH CARE A PRIORITY PREVENTED US FROM BEING AS PRESENT AS WE WANTED OR INTENDED TO BE?

HAVE WE FALLEN PREY TO THE DELUSION THAT THERE IS ALWAYS TOMORROW?

OBVIOUSLY, WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE PAST.  WE CAN, OF COURSE, LEARN FROM IT.  EACH DAY IS A NEW OPPORTUNITY TO CLEARLY AND SIMPLY STATE OUR SPIRITUAL INTENTION FOR THE DAY AND TO CHECK IN WITH THAT SPIRITUAL INTENTION THROUGHOUT THE DAY; NOT TO JUDGE OURSELVES BUT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE HUMANS CAN EASILY AND QUICKLY GET OFF TRACK.

VERY FEW OF US HAVE CHOSEN THE LUXURY OF DAYLONG PRAYER AND MEDITATION. WE ARE BUSY MAKING A LIVING WHICH ALLOWS US TO PROVIDE THE BASICS SUCH AS FOOD AND CLOTHING FOR OURSELVES AND OUR FAMILIES, CARING FOR OUR CHILDREN, MAINTAINING OUR HOME, OR PERFORMING ANY OF A THOUSAND OTHER CHORES OF DAILY LIFE.   OUR BOSS MIGHT DEMAND WE WORK OVERTIME. THERE MAY BE A THOUSAND AND ONE DEMANDS OR REQUESTS FOR OUR TIME AND ENERGY.

WE MAY MAKE TIME WHEN CALLED TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM OF THE HOSPITAL OR WHEN A LOVED ONE IS SCHEDULED FOR A POTENTIALLY LIFE-THREATENING MEDICAL PROCEDURE.  WE MAY OFTEN MAKE TIME FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY, GRADUATION, ANNIVERSARY OR OTHER CELEBRATION IF THE TIME AND PLACE IS NOT IN CONFLICT WITH OTHER DEMANDS OR REQUESTS.

WHEN WE ARE YOUNG IT SEEMS AS IF WE HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO NURTURE OURSELVES AND EACH OTHER. 70 X 365 IS 25, 550 DAYS TO DO “WHAT IS IMPORTANT” IN ONE’S FREE TIME. YET, SOME GRINCH COMES ALONG AND CONDENSES THOSE 25, 550 DAYS INTO AN HOUR OR FIVE MINUTES.  SO IT SEEMS.

IT IS NO EASY TASK FOR WE HUMANS TO ACCEPT DEATH AS  “NATURAL” IN THIS JOURNEY.   AT SOME LEVEL IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE THAT A VIBRANT LIFE SHOULD JUST STOP; THAT A LIVING, BREATHING, WARM PRESENCE SHOULD SUDDENLY BE DEVOID OF THE ABILITY TO SHARE A HUG, TICKLE THE MIND AND HEART, OR SHARE EVERYDAY JOYS AND SORROWS. WE MAY BE TEMPTED TO SAY TO THAT COLD CORPSE OR, INCREASINGLY IT SEEMS, THAT CONTAINER OF LIFELESS ASHES: “ENOUGH. I AM NOT FINISHED WITH US.”

WHEN A LOVED ONE DIES AS THE RESULT OF A MOMENTARY DECISION TO HAVE ONE MORE DRINK BEFORE ONE GET BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A VEHICLE, HAS AN EMOTIONAL REACTION AND KILLS SOMEONE, EVEN SEEMINGLY WORSE, PLOTS THE MURDER OF SOMEONE OR DIES IN THE INSANITY OF WAR WE MAY CRY “FOUL” AND CALL OUT THE UMPIRE WHOM WE MAY ENVISION AS THE GOD OF OUR UNDERSTANDING.

NO MATTER WHAT THE CAUSE OF DEATH WE CAN CRY OUT: “ONE MORE HUG.  ONE MORE APOLOGY. ONE MORE…”

OUR CHOICES ARE TO ALLOW SOME TIME FOR GRATITUDE, WEEPING AND WAILING AND THEN MOVE ON UNTIL WE ARE AGAIN FORCED TO CONFRONT THAT WE ONLY HAVE TODAY, WAIT FOR OUR DEFINITION OF JUSTICE OR, DEPENDING ON OUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, FOR A REUNION IN “ETERNITY”.   WE MIGHT “KNOW” THAT “LIFE COMES AND LIFE GOES” BUT, EMOTIONALLY WE MAY BE SHOCKED AT THE REALITY OF DEATH.

WE MAY CALL UPON THE SPIRIT OF THE POET, DYLAN THOMAS, SHOUTING, “DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT.”

WRITTEN MAY 21, 2023
JIMMY F PICKETT
COACHPICKETT.ORG

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Sunday Musings - May 14, 2023

5/13/2023

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Sunday Musings - May 14, 2023

I have long been aware, at some level, of the mystery of love; romantic/erotic or nonromantic.  One meets someone and one’s heart beats a little faster.  One may become tongue tied and a babbling idiot. It is no surprise that some have compared this state to that of a temporary state of insanity.  One may lose all sense of logic or reason.  In this state of temporary insanity one can overlook the most glaring flaws in oneself and the other person. One can convince oneself love will wash the most soiled canvas of experience clean allowing the two to sail off into the sunset paragons of virtue and bliss.   The fact that others may see the flaw of this insanity is obviously due to their jealously of one’s bliss.

Perhaps even more mysterious is the unselfish devotion to a treasured friend who becomes mentally and/or physically disabled.  Long after the blush of love has faded; long after any ability to perform intellectual or sexual acrobatics; long after even the ability to share a reality something remains resulting in the tender 24-hour care of one’s once vibrant friend.

I have long been awed by such relationships.  I have sat with couples married nearly 70 years who could not wait to visit at the end of a long busy day.  I have enjoyed time with those whose soul mate has been deceased for 20 or 40 years who still carry the spark of love with them. That very same spark may be one of the motivations for embracing life even as transition time draws closer. I have close friends who I know are available whenever I say I need them.

Perhaps the strongest ties to a friendship - romantic or non-romantic - is the openness to what one wants to learn from that person and what one has to offer that person; the knowledge the other has something that one wants/needs if one is to grow into the next stage of one’s journey.

People have approached me and said, “I will teach you.  Come sit with me.”   Such was the case with David, the Tlingit Indian elder who embraced me as a student, I was a male whom he knew was much too young at age 32 to know what it meant to be a man.  Nearly every day i would sit with David while he carved beautiful creations some of which would later be found in museums. While he carved, he shared ancient stories to illustrate what it meant to be at peace with oneself and all that exist.

I continue to be blessed by teachers, some of whom ignite the spark of romantic love.  Often, I cannot distinguish between romantic passion and a passionate attraction which I know has accompanied us on many life journeys of brother, sister, mentor, mentee, lover, parent, boss, subject or some other role.  Recently I spent a weekend with a woman who continues to prod me to focus on what can be and not the apparent obstacles.  Many of my teachers have been such powerful women who were ready to use a metaphorical blow torch to ignite a passion or passions within me. Occasionally those teachers were, for a period, romantic partners which grew into deep, passionate friendships, the framework of which became a lifelong graduate seminar.

As I age, I feared passion would subside.  Yet, just as I think I might focus on the miles i have yet to walk before I sleep for eternity, I am a young teenager who is filled with the excitement of new possibility.  Perhaps the new teacher is a man, a woman, a flower, another animal, or the artist which is Mother Earth. Perhaps the spark feels intensely erotic. More often it goes unlabeled; experienced as an awakening of every dancing cell in my body.  For a moment, an hour, a day, or eternity I am brought to the apex of a flame which could cut through the densest of material.

Those who manage to keep passion alive in a romantic or non-romantic friendship for 60 or 70 years cannot wait to visit and learn from each other at the end of each day.  They know they may “have miles to go before they sleep.” (With gratitude to Robert Frost). They also know they only have this moment to embrace life.

Passion is the impetus for conception.  Wise people know that passion fuels all creation.   Some would suggest that passion and awe are kissing cousins. I tend to agree.  Each experience we encounter can awaken that sense of awe.

As we in the United States celebrate Mother’s Day perhaps, we could open to embracing the mothers in our life with an expectation of possibility and awe.  The awe might be an appreciation for their survival strength despite addiction, mental illness, abuse, poverty, or other hardships. Perhaps we know we cannot know what it has been like to walk their path. Perhaps we can withhold judgment and see what is invisible, hear what is silent, feel what   a is numb. Perhaps we can love without fear or expectations.

Written May 14, 2023
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

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Sunday Musings - May 7, 2023

5/5/2023

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Sunday Musings - May 7, 2023

“Fact checking.”

From the moment we are born we humans began to learn “truths” or “facts” about ourselves and the world.  “Truths or facts” may or may not be intentionally or directly  communicated to us. More likely they are based upon our limited ability to fact check the information we think we are receiving.    We may learn these “truths/facts” long before we have acquired language.   We may not, for example,  know the words “safe” and “unsafe” and, yet we know when our primary parent or parents consistently feel tense, angry, or welcoming.  When that happens, we may decide:

         All big people are unsafe.
         All big people are safe.
         The world is mine to explore.
         All males or females are unsafe.
         All big people who smell a certain way are safe or unsafe.
         I am lovable.
         There is something wrong with me.   I am unlovable.

There are, of course, many other possible “truths” or “facts” one may deduce. When young our world is small and contained.  First the womb and then mainly the immediate family with some extended family contact keep oneself self-centered - interpreting the world through a tiny lens. It may seem as if one is responsible for what happens to one or the feelings of those responsible for one’s care. It may seem as if one has no responsibilities at all; that adults take care of themselves.

One can go one’s entire life living as if these “truths” or “facts” had been fact checked and found to be accurate.  One may even live in a way which seems to prove these early “truths” or “facts”.  One may, for example, be unconsciously drawn to people who recreate one’s family of origin. One may associate love with kindness or mistreatment.  One may unconsciously still be attempting to win the unconditional love of someone who is unable to give it. One may push away others who attempt to show love.  One may keep one’s world very tiny thinking that is the only safe possibility. One may assume all people and situations can be trusted.

It is unlikely that anyone tells one that as one approaches adulthood it is one’s responsibility to write all these so-called facts down on 3 x 5 cards, place them on a large table and one by one fact check them.  One may use the assistance of guides such as a therapist and/or support group to begin this process.  One can also use resources such as books which address issues such as growing up with addicted or otherwise ill parents.  There are many books for Adult Children of Alcoholic/addicts or those who have grown up with mental illness, other trauma, or in an overly very protected environment.

Research scientists always begin with a null hypothesis and set out to test that hypothesis.   For example, one might posit that most gowns/outfits worn at the Met Gala, May 1 were inexpensive.  Research would probably indicate that, in fact, most gowns/outfits worn to that gala cost a lot of money.

If our adult null hypothesis is that most alcoholic parents are healthy then research would show that, in fact, alcoholism is a chronic illness which affects the brain and, thus, affects thinking and behavior.   If our null hypothesis was that young children do not cause adult parents to be addicts research would prove that this is true.  No one causes a person to be an addict.  It may be true that if one is raised by addicted biological parents, one is more likely to be addicted because of both genetics and role modeling.

It may be that if one grew up in an unsafe home that it was important to walk on eggshells and/or to have the anxious radar on when in that home.  It is not true that as an adult one should need to recreate that unsafe home or keep their anxious radar on all the time.

It may be true that two parents who acutely disliked themselves and each other called their relationship loving but that is not the definition of love as most of us understand love.

Whether we are looking at families of origin, adults with a particular agenda, religious leaders representing a particular religion, a news station whose lens are progressive, conservative, or fueled by some vested interest we need not base our understanding of “truths or facts” on what a small groups suggests.  We need to do our own research and rely on those who can prove that they have conducted research with an open heart and mind.

So called facts and “truths” can be very fragile constructs based on very limited and/or skewed information.

Claiming the adult life which one deserves and not passing along the old lies to our children may not initially “feel” comfortable.  Often what is unfamiliar, even if healthy, is uncomfortable.   It may be uncomfortable to break the unspoken family rules with which we were raised.  That discomfort is temporary.  We can soon find ourselves breathing and  relaxing.

If and when our untreated unhealthy parents or other family members visit, we may need to lovingly let them know the “rules” for our home.   If they are unable to follow those rules, we may decide to limit brief visits to outside our safe and healthy home.  This can be done with love and not judgement.

All we parents do the best we know how.  We may find, at times, we are good at teaching our children how to discern their adult truths; how to fact check or think critically about a range of issues. At other times, we fall short.  None of us are perfect parents or had the perfect parents.  We are humans.  All of us, as adults, can fact check our internal file cabinet of “truths and facts”

Written May 7, 2023
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

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Sunday Musings - May 28, 2023

Sunday Musings - May 21, 2023

Sunday Musings - May 14, 2023

Sunday Musings - May 7, 2023

Jimmy Pickett is a life student who happens to be a licensed counselor and an addiction counselor. He is a student of Buddhism with a background of Christianity and a Native American heritage.

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