In the wake of Gay Pride events this past weekend and the supreme court decision last week striking down laws which defined marriage as between one man an one woman, I should not have been surprised by the some of the strong adverse feelings and beliefs expressed by many individuals. I also should not have been surprised by the seeming self-righteousness of many. I expected some so called conservative Christian church leaders to predict the ire of God. I expected some of the traditional argument such as, “God created Adam and Eve. He did not create Adam and Steve.” Apparently a significant number of people continue to believe that the God of the New Testament as well as the God of the Old Testament is an angry, punishing God of rules with a limited view of who he/she/it created. I do wonder that if God did not create Adam and Steve, where they come from. Surely there is very little dispute these days about the fact that sexual preference or orientation seems to be something with which one is born although as a greater percentage of the population gets more comfortable with sexuality in general, we are finding more and more people who claim to be “fluid” in their sexual attractions and desires. This does not negate the fact that, as Masters and Johnson found out some years ago, most people have a preference for opposite or same sex behavior. On the other hand, the younger generation might be the first to be more comfortable with allowing themselves to be open to being “fluid” as it is being called.
Some people this past weekend purported to be concerned about the spread of sexually transmitted disease. Certainly, that should be a concern for everyone who is having sexual relationships outside of a long term, absolutely monogamous relationship. Thankfully we know how to prevent most sexually transmitted illness. Most, with the exception of HIV, are easy and inexpensive to treat. Still, no doubt it is better to practice safe sex.
In heterosexual relationships there is also concern about unplanned pregnancies. We also know how to prevent those although nothing is fail-safe.
Certainly, in many religions, it is maintained that sexual relationships are only for the purpose of conceiving or attempting to conceive a child in a legally and spiritually committed relationship. Sadly many of the leaders of the religious institutions who have been most adamant about these rules for sexual behavior, have often been the ones who were found to be violating theses rules. In the Roman Catholic Church the priests and the nuns are considered themselves to be married to Christ. While there are those who manage to honor those marital vows without “straying” a significant number of very spiritual men and women find themselves unable to refrain from sexual relationships. In fact, in my experience as a counselor and as a member of the gay community, it is common to find priests who are seeking out sexual relationships and/or in committed sexual relationships. I also know of a number of nuns who are sexually active although they tend, in my experience, to keep those relationships more private than men do. We all also know of the history of sexual abuse of children by priests and other religious leaders. All people I know work to protect children from any abuse. It is difficult to believe that church officials do not know something of the extent to which individuals and couples (members and clergy) in the church are sexually active. Despite the Roman Catholic prohibition of its members using birth control other than abstinence or the “rhythm” method, there are many surveys indicating that most Roman Catholics use other methods of birth control.
The bottom line is that we humans, with few exceptions, seem to be created with a very strong desires to have physically, intimate relationships which sometimes involve our genitals. No matter how much we change our cultures to delay the financial and emotional beginning of adulthood, children continue to be sexually mature enough to conceive and bear a child at very young ages. Their strong sexual feelings seems mostly unrelated to an urge to conceive and bear children. They sexual feelings lead them to self-pleasure and pleasuring each other no matter how many prohibitions we adults recommend and try to enforce.
Most of the world is not concerned about a paucity of new births. In fact most of the world is struggling to feed, house and care for the children, which are born.
We now know that the reason that the Old Testament focused on God’s creation of Adam and Eve was that it was important to conceive as many children as possible so that a few lived and were able to help in food production or gathering as well as other chores. Given the absence of microscopes, it was impossible for a long time to dispel the belief that there was a limited number of sperm. Had they only known that there was million of them ready to swim upstream, we might have had a different understanding and acceptance of both self-pleasuring and same sex unions.
Still, in this and many cultures we remain very uncomfortable with overt reminders that we are sexual beings while, at the same time, using sexually provocative clothes, pictures and suggestions to sell a variety of products from underwear to cars. Is it any wonder that we confuse even ourselves? We desire to look sexual and want or allow our children to dress in a way which I obviously sexually provocative while, at the same, time refusing to give clear guidance about how to have safe, fun, sexual contact. We somehow think if we ignore it nothing will happen. Perhaps we mental health professional just want to insure that we insure our job by promoting sexual guilt which people come to us to talk about! Really!
I am sure that the popularity of the recent trilogy of “50 Shades of Grey” had to do with the fact that the author was leading the characters through an understanding of what appeared to be a sexual addiction as a reaction to childhood trauma. The fact that there were numerous descriptions of consensual Sadism and Masochism did not, I am sure, have anything to do with the popularity of the book. Also, it is clear that the porn industry, the sex toy industry and the number of Adult Book Stores are supported by a very few individuals who must be worth billions since these industries are making a lot of money. Could it be possible that there are a significant number of people who are secretly (more or less) enjoying a more varied and active sex life than we want to admit or even know about?
It is not surprising that events such as Gay pride parades are upsetting to many people. If the primary rule is to hide one’s overt sexuality and all the costumes, which we privately and secretly use in our sexual play, then many of the individuals who participate in Gay Pride events violate every rule of the larger dysfunctional family. During gay pride events, individuals who have often grown up with shaming messages come together and using the safety of numbers proudly let it “all hang out”. These events are advertised and generally well enough publicized that anyone who does not want to observe them and/or are offended by their honesty does not have to look at them. Obviously no one is forced to participate in these events.
At the same time no one participating in gay pride event is going to be offended by anyone who chooses to refrain from participating or from limiting their sexual activity to opposite sex, missionary style, vanilla/joyless sex for the sole purpose of procreating or attempting to co-create.
Gay Pride events or the organizers of them are not promoting any sexual activity. They are not condoning abuse of any sort. In fact, many gay pride events organizers are active supporters of organizations, which work with victims of all sort of domestic violence and exploitation. Between such Pride events often-local bars or other gathering places for the LGBT community host fundraisers for CASA and similar organizations, which work with victims of abuse.
So, be offended in one wants. Hold on to one’s personal choices of sexual behavior. Work for the protection of any who are in any sort of abusive relationship. At the same time, how about we quit acting as if we know what God personally likes or does not like sexually. Personally, I have no idea of what the God of my understanding likes or does not enjoy sexually. At least with the Greek Gods we had a better idea. I do know what the God of my understanding is loving and accepting of all of us. I know that He/She/It is concerned about how well we treat ourselves and each other; how accepting we are, and how honest with we with ourselves. I also think that He/She/It is going to love those who enjoy vanilla and all the more colorful flavors of sexual play which are possible as long as they are safe, mutually respectful and fun!
The God of my understanding is very concerned about all forms of discrimination, oppression, war and all forms of family, community, national and international violence.
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