​Sunday Musings         July 30, 2017
 
Just in case the previous reminders that we are not in charge did not stay in the forefront of our minds Mother Nature sent several reminders this week. Forest fires, floods including twice in the local area, sudden deaths from heart attacks and other events visited us.
 
Contrary to all evidence to the contrary, President Trump’s tweet finger is not a force of Mother Nature nor is the vitriolic rhetoric from some members of the White House staff.   One also cannot blame Mother Nature for the fear of many in the military that they cannot depend on the promises of the representatives of its government no matter their allegiance to the oaths they swore upon entering the service.  One also cannot blame Mother Nature for the belief that the profit of a few should outweigh the right to expect access to health care from a society which actively pursues a path to a longer life span.
 
Yet, in the mist of all this negative turmoil and acts of nature one did not have to look far to witness the best of what us humans bring to each other and this universe.  On a local level neighbors brought tools, strong backs, and loving hearts to help clean up and rebuild following floods. The first public gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender PRIDE event took place in Wheeling, WV without any violent protests as far as I know.
 
On a more immediate personal level I enjoyed the luxury of four evenings with various loving friends, several of whom are also my personal mentors and heroes. My life is much richer because of their loving support and often their challenging example to live “an examined life” and to trust that we all have all that we need to be the very best we can be.     Extreme, overt racism, sexism, and even the hatred of the holocaust and the action of empire building countries has directly impacted the lives of some of those with whom I had spent time this week.   Yet, none of these friends have spent energy on hatred, bitterness or given in to hopelessness. They have all done much to help create a more loving, just community.
 
Another friend/acquaintance I briefly visited this week quietly opens his house and his heart to others who are struggling. His quiet actions do not elicit the attention of anyone other than a very few who are aware of all his kind actions.
 
This morning, while at the gym,  I listened to another podcast of Ear Hustle which is a program originating from San Quintin prison. Again, I was reminded of the strength and courage of those society has labeled as those deserving to be kept in solitary confinement or “The Shu” as it is called in some places for many years and otherwise treated as less than.
 
Obviously, there is no shortage of mentors whose example we can all emulate. What I look for in a mentor is a person who does not deny the intense pain and cruelty which often accompanies this life journey or the absolute stupidity which seems to be always waiting in our heads to make a cameo appearance but, at the very same time does not fail to celebrate our creativity, ingenuity, ability to love and to dance a joyful dance.  I have always been blessed with such mentors.   Often they arrive in the form of a child, a client, a homeless person, an inmate or someone else who has been labeled as the least of these. Yet, they can also arrive costumed as a community leader, an esteemed writer, artist or professional.  Just about the time I think I know where to look for these mentors one rises up from the alley, the gutter or the boardroom to embrace me.  
 
As I sit here on the porch typing the sun is playfully creating areas of light, darkness and all the thousand or more shades of green which provide the view from my perch.   It is a good day following a good week.  Now it is time to prepare for the new week.
 
Written July 30, 2017
 

​Letting go with love – Part II
 
Yesterday I talked about the willingness part of letting go with love.  Today I want to address our expectations in love relationships as well as other friendships.
 
Taking or accepting responsibility for my unrealistic expectations entails at the very least: 
 

• Accepting responsibility for loving another who cannot possibly guarantee that nothing will happen in the future to prevent them from fulfilling our contract (explicit, implicit or imagined in my own head).

 
Most of us form deep friendships, including a marriage/partnership friendship, with the intention and expectation that the friendship will grow deeper with time.  We also assume that the both parties are well aware that they are humans.   We cannot avoid knowing that humans get ill, died, have or are involved in accidents and are on an evolving journey.   Obviously, there is no reason to be surprised when a life event shows up to change or end the friendship.  Sometime the end of a friendship comes about because the behavior of one person triggered the feelings associated with the memory of a traumatic event which feels too painful to re-experience.   Sometimes the end of a friendship comes because one person is unavailable emotionally and someone else volunteers to be their emotional rock.  Sometimes one unexpectedly experiences a “call” to take their life in another direction.
 
Sadly, just because there is no reason to be surprised does not prevent one from being shocked, hurt, feeling betrayed, and suddenly experiencing hate where love may have resided just yesterday.  If not careful when this happens one “throws out the baby with the bathwater”.  In an effort to avoid the old pain one throws out or ends the friendship.  There is no discussion, room to negotiate or door left often to reconnect.  Just recently this happened with a couple I know.  The person who had been triggered plainly said that she felt no emotional connection with their partner at all even though shortly before being triggered she has professed her unconditional love.   
 
When someone behaves in this manner it is tempting to respond in kind.   Ironically A experiences the humanness of B who then experiences the humanness of A.   A is suddenly very conditional with their love. B responds to A’s conditional love with conditional love.  A has allowed B’s behavior to determine their response and B then allows A’s behavior to determine their response.    Each finds out that their love is very conditional.  
 
If A or B has been blessed with the ability to then stand back and observe their behavior from the vantage point of their core values (core values which include loving unconditionally) they may then be able to reconnect their behavior with their core values and accept that even though they are sad the person is the same human that they loved.  They may then be able to refocus on loving unconditionally.
 

• Accepting responsibility for my expectation that each of us will continue to grow emotionally and spiritually but only within the confines of what I understood to be my legitimate agreement/contract.

 
 
 
No matter what I tell myself the more deeply I love the more expectations I have.  If it is a love relationship I expect:
 

• The person I love will not change dramatically. They will not be hijacked by a new spiritual mission/goal, by another person or by some other mission which takes them away from our relationship.  They will, of course, grow but they will grow within the context of their commitment to our relationships.
• The person I love will not – I repeat will not – die before I do. Life, fate, the Gods must play fair and allow us both to die of natural causes within seconds of each other with no human assistance in dying.
• The person I love will not have an illness such as addiction which hijacks them resulting in putting our love second or third.
• The person I love will not develop a permanent, chronic condition which steals their ability to be nurturing, satisfy my sexual needs, share in the building and maintenance of the home and in taking care of children (if any). 
• The beautiful, sexy, physically fit, passionate person I love will not ever, for any reason, morph into this overweight, sloppy, unfit, sexless, exhausted co-parent or beer drinking, hang out with one’s buddies, slug of an unattractive person.

 
Sadly, if I dig deep enough I could dig up another ten, twenty or thirty expectations which limit what I am claiming is my unconditional love.    Although these expectations do not fit my perception of myself as this spiritually evolved person who is able to love unconditionally, the truth is the truth.  I may struggle to share my expectations with myself much less with anyone else. Yet, share them with myself I must if I am to quit blaming the other person for my conditional love.  If I am to move closer to unconditional love I must begin with this harsh, eye opening level of honestly.
 
Today I am not as conditional as I was even a year ago, but I am still more conditional than I want to be.   The main progress I have made is in this area is honestly which then leads to being able to accept responsibility for and focus on my limitations rather than holding on to the temporary insanity of acting as if I am in a place to judge others for their unwillingness or inability to love unconditionally.  As I move towards loving unconditionally I am more able to let go with love.    At first this may be mainly a cognitive process but like all other habits if I keep sincerely practicing it will take root in my heart.
 
 
Written July 29, 2017
 
 
 

​ 
 
Letting go with love – Part 1 - Willingness
 
Certainly, for many of us, one of the most challenging spiritual lessons, has to do with letting go (of a relationship) with love.  There are a number of steps involved in letting go with love.  Today I want to address the willingness components of this process. Tomorrow I will address identifying and letting go of expectations. First, the willingness which includes:
 
·      Willingness to allow for the possibility that I loved conditionally and not unconditionally.
Although I would like to believe that I have loved unconditionally, often I discover that I did have some expectation such as expecting my spouse/partner to stay committed to this relationship with me.  I will discuss expectations in more depth in tomorrow’s blog, but suffice it to say that I have discovered that no matter what I hoped I was doing, I find it very difficult to just love without expecting anything in return.
 
·      Willingness to practicing letting go of those expectations without shaming or otherwise berating self.
 
Part of the process of letting go once I have admitted that I did, in fact, have some expectations is letting go of the habit of shaming and berating myself when I find I have deliberately or unwittingly lied to myself.   Simply put, this is another step in accepting that I am human - a work in progress.  Negative reinforcement simply is not helpful if I want to change.  Noticing and admitting what I have been doing is helpful. Once I have taken that step I am ready to practice new behavior.
  
·      Willingness to notice the defense mechanisms one uses to block the pain of letting go.  
 
These defense mechanisms may include anger, judgements, blame, numbing oneself with substances, sex or other distractions.  This reminder naturally follows the last one. No one can cause me to use anger, judgment, blame, or numbing myself in an attempt to avoid the pain of letting go of my attachments.  I may have allowed myself to fall into the trap of believing that I can only have a decent life is person X does behavior Z.  I may have limited my fantasies or dreams of the future to a life with person X.  Suddenly they are gone because of sickness, death, or a “calling” by a different drummer.   The extent of my dreams and fantasies are, of course, up to me.  Often my anger or other defense mechanisms are because I do not want to have to dream a new dream or allow for a different reality.  I may rant and rave because it seems life is unfair (It may be unfair.) I played by all the rules and now…. The goal is to notice my defense mechanisms, label them for what they are, and then move on to the underlying feelings.  It will not serve any purpose if I get angry at myself or getting angry or judgmental for being judgmental.
 
·      Willingness to move beyond the defense mechanisms to experience pain connected with one’s expectations.
 
Not surprisingly, none of us like to experience pain – emotional or physical.  Yet, unless one is willing to face and move through the pain one cannot take the next step in healing.   Sometimes the first thing we must tell ourselves is that we are not fragile – we can experience the pain and survive.  It may not feel that way. We may have a habit of telling ourselves that we are emotionally fragile.  Yet, paradoxically it takes much more energy to avoid pain than it does to face it and go through it.  
 
·      Willingness to entertain the possibility that the other person is not responsible for one’s happiness, peace of mind or having a good life.  As long as one is making the other responsible for one’s happiness one is not letting go. One is, in fact, attempting to hold the other person hostage.
 
Some of us fall deeply in love.  Some of us have practiced telling ourselves that we can only be happy and have a good life if we have the partner of our dreams. Some of us believe that it is the responsibility of our partner/spouse – our significant other to give our life meaning – to reassure us that we are loved and are important.     If we are to heal we have to be willing to entertain the possibility that we can have a good life and be happy without “our true love”.   At first, it may just be that willingness to admit that theoretically one might be happy and have a good life without that person. One might always have that original dream tucked away in the corner of one’s mind, but one can begin to entertain a new dream – a new possibility.  To some, allowing for this possibility might feel like giving up.  In fact, it is a measure of one’s emotional and spiritual health.   Ironically, for many of us, the less needy a person is the more attractive they are.   Personally, I do not want to be responsible for the happiness/contentment/joy of another.   Certainly, I would like to add to the happiness/contentment and joy of others but I do not want the 24-7 responsibility for that other person. That feels like a burden and not like love.
 
For me there are levels of willingness. I may have been willing to let go with love if such and such were true but not if something else is true.  
 
Once I have begun to give myself messages of willingness I am ready to move on to acceptance.  In tomorrow’s blog, I will discuss the role of acceptance in letting go with love.
 
Written July 28, 2017 
 

​Tweedle dee, tweedle dum
 
Tweet this.
 
Tweet that.
 
Pres is having another of those days.
‘
He is lit like a blaze.
 
Jeffrey has made me mad.
 
Because he has been bad.
 
No more trans
 
Rights be dammed
 
Boy scouts must be taught
 
Bees can be bought
 
The king they must please
 
Or they lose their keys
 
Morals will keep one mired
 
And will get you fired.
 
Winning is all that counts
 
If the throne one is to mount.
 
Drain the sewer
 
Which rhymes with doer
 
Doer rhymes with feuer
 
Which rhymes with skewer
 
And then there is bluer
 
Tweeting hurts my head
 
Makes my brain dead.
 
Tweet, deep, meat, meet, leap
 
Far into the deep
 
Tweedle dee, tweedle dum
 
 
 
Written July 27, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​The Next Right Thing
 
I often hear myself saying to clients, myself and others, “Just do the next right thing.”  In theory, I frequently know what action to take if I want to be true to the values which I say that I strive to follow.  I do believe that wise teachers including Jesus, the Buddha and others were on to something when they suggested:
 

• Turn the other cheek.
• Love unconditionally.
• Love your enemy.
• Follow your heart.
• Do not allow others to dictate your behavior.
• Do not react, act.
• Give and do not expect anything in return, that is what lies at the heart of love.  (Oscar Wilde)
• The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. (Thomas Merton)
• The goal is to let go of attachments.
• Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
• You can only keep it by giving it away. (frequently heard in the rooms of the 12-step recovery program).

 
Yet, I have also head from other teachers:
 

• There are times when it is moral for a Christian to be violent.
• Justice sometimes demand tough decision.
• You have to stand up to a bully or he/she will just keep bullying.
• One makes moral decision based on the greater good for the greater number.
• It is just to punish the criminal or those who hurt others.
• There is evil and it is a moral imperative to stand up to evil.
• If someone rapes or otherwise harms your partner or your child you need to stand your ground even if it means killing the perpetrator of the violence.
• We are not gods and cannot be held to the same standards.
• An eye for an eye.

 
 
This list is, of course, is just a sample of the opinions of some of us humans about how we should behave.   If one googles types of justice one gets at a minimum:
 

• Commutative justice
• Distributive justice.
• Open justice
• Organizational justice
• Poetic justice
• Restorative justice
• Retributive justice
• Social justice

 
Clearly there are many possible opinions and beliefs about what it means for individuals and the community to do the next right thing.  If one is to thoughtfully and intentionally attempt to do the next right thing, one cannot be weak, fragile or feign of heart.  
 
This week I, as were most people, confronted with various situations which demanded some decision and action by the community. These include:
 

• A young person was murdered in the midst of a crime to steal to feed someone’s addiction.
• A person was murdered in a fit of passion.
• A person drove a vehicle while impaired and caused an accident which killed three people.
• A doctor sold prescription pain medications to feed his own addictions – power and/or drugs.
• A young child was sexually assaulted.
• Bombs were dropped from planes killing so called civilians and those assigned the label of enemy.
• The partner of a friend did something which violated the heart of their agreement.
• Someone was arrested for having child pornography on their computer.
• A man transported people attempting to come into the United states without a legal visa in a truck without air conditioning.  Ten people died.
• A president of a country with whom the United States has a historic friendly relationship encourages vigilante groups to kills those addicted to drugs and those selling drugs.

 
The list of ways that us human hurt each other is as endless as the list of the ways in which us humans are kind to each other.
 
The older I get the more I am forced to accept that life is over in a flash and, as I wrote, the other day, all we own is our integrity. Every day – sometimes every hour – I must decide the legacy I want to leave in the few seconds of this life journey.
 
Every day I am in danger of handing out Pollyanna sounds bites of advice or recommendations.  Well, that is not accurate.  Every day I hand out Pollyanna sound bites of advice.  Despite the fact that I may believe what I am advising, sometimes I must sound like a cold-hearted robot.  Without any attempt to list a fraction of the sound bites I have thrown out with apparent aplomb this week I can think of the following instances:
 

• None of us are in a place to judge who is the bigger sinner. Before you decide to end that relationship consider giving her and it another chance.
• Yes, help her no matter what how she has treated you.  It is the right thing to do.
• Love your addicted, adult child unconditionally.  Focus on removing the log from your eye.
• Ignore your feelings and do what is recommended.
• No matter what you do, do with love.

 
It might seem at times as if I have completely missed the fact that we are all human. Someone will suggest, “We are not Gods or saints. Come on. That person is just evil and deserves to be treated as evil.”
 
Once again I am reminded that it is easy for me to forgot the number of times that I have wanted someone to suffer for how much they have hurt me; the number of times I wanted to have a “coming to Jesus” talk with someone from my very self-righteous stance.   It is my goal to do the next right thing.  Sometimes I do think I know what that entails– at least for me.  Sometimes I have no idea.  Sometimes what I posit as a theory does not seem to work in real life.  Sometimes, my emotions rule and the result is not kind or pretty.  Sometimes the distance between what the legacy I want to leave and the one I do leave is very significant. 
 
Yes, I know that tomorrow I will again remind myself to strive to the next right thing.  Using all my external and internal resources I will make decisions, take actions, and pray that I have, on occasion, really done the next right thing.
 
It seems that this is the best I can do for today.
 
Written July 27, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​The power of the lie(s)
 
From the moment, one is born one begins to accumulate “truths” about oneself and the world. Some believe and some studies seem to confirm that one may even began to learn “truths” whileo one is still in the womb.
 
Most of one’s early truths are dependent on one’s immediate environment which may be quite small.  A parent or parents, possibly grandparents, other relatives, sometimes siblings, peers as one grows and the general environmental which comprises one‘s world are the source of these truths or at least the truths one thinks one is hearing or experiencing.  One may also enter this life journey with or without some parts of one’s brain which facilitate the development of one’s sense of worth, belongingness (to a tribe) and ability to begin to learn to function in this world.
 
Sadly, either one is not told or one is told before one has the ability to comprehend, that one needs to question all these truths.  As a result, one may decide one’s worth and much of one’s behavior based on these unexamined truths.   Some of these truths may be:
 

• You are not smart enough.
• You are not attractive enough.
• You are not strong.
• You do not have courage.
• You do not have a good heart.
• Life is too much for fragile you and, thus, you must find a way to numb yourself.
• You are not allowed to dream or to realize those dreams.
• You must stay in a tiny bubble to be safe.
• You are entitled to live “the good life” without having to work to obtain it.
• Money, prestige, position, education or something else outside of yourself will determine your worth.

 
If one is lucky, at some point in time, one realizes that one has the power to question all these truths.  One can then hire a therapist, find a trusted mentor, a 12-step program, or a spiritual guide to help one identify and closely exam these so-called truths. One will find that many of them are lies. Once one determines which ones are lies one can articulate new truths and then go about the very tedious process of practicing these new truths until they are a habitual way of thinking.  This is, of course, an ongoing process which we will be doing rest of one’s lives.  Every day, if one is lucky, one identifies a new lie that has been restricting one’s lives and a new truth which can enlarge one’s life.
 
Sometimes the first indication that one is living a significant portion of one’s life based on lies will one of the following symptoms:
 

• Chronic anxiety/fear.
• Chronic depression/feeling of hopeless. (This is not clinical depression which may require medication to restore a chemical balance.)
• Chronic nuisance medical issues which cannot be linked to a diagnosable illness/condition.
• Substance abuse and/or addiction.
• Other constant self-sabotaging behavior.
• Repeating negative habits or patterns of behavior which we learned from our family of origin and swore we would never, ever repeat.
• Frequent anger accompanied by victim statements.
• Frequent putting ourselves down- self-criticism.
• Passive-aggressive behavior.
• Hearing ourselves repeatedly saying to others “I hate you. Please take care of me.”
• Pushing others away every time they begin to show one love.

 
Although sometimes a physician can safely prescribe a medication which can help with restoring a chemical balance, if one does not work on changing one’s habits of thinking one will not be able to claim the life one deserves. One might feel a little better within the context of one’s tiny, safe world, but one will not be able to expand one’s life.  One will still be existing in a tiny world. In order to live and not just exist one has to find a way out of the that tiny world. The old adage “This truth will set one free.”  is indeed true.  This is not to say that one is suddenly going to change one’s basic introvert personality/life dance to one of extrovert.  One will, however, be choosing a life base on who they are and not on their fear or other lies.  One can dream and realize their dreams.
 
Written July 26, 2017
 
 
 

​Grandma says: “Own your integrity.”  or “Did I ask you what other children are doing?”
 
Of all of Grandma Fannie wise teachings some form of this one was heard often from her as well from other adults including my mother.   Perhaps that was because some part of my brain was not yet developed enough to accept that it did not matter what my peers were doing, wearing, or planning.  Surely I must have realized after the third, fourth or one hundred try to offer the example of my peers (accurate or not) as a justification or excuse for my behavior it was not likely to work.  
 
I would, of course, be much older before I began to appreciate the sometimes-painful wisdom of holding on to my integrity no matter what others said, did or did not do.  As a child and even as an adult I held on to the belief or perhaps hope that I could be excused if I made decisions about my behavior based on the behavior of others.   After all, if someone has mistreated, cheated, or deliberately attempted to injure me in some way I could not be expected to treat them with unconditional love and respect.  Anytime that I want confirmation that I am justified in treating “them” as I experienced “them” as “they” treat me, I do not have to look far. 
 
Likewise, any time I want to justify focusing on making money so I can be rewarded for my years of education and buy a bigger house, a more expensive car or take a more interesting vacation I only have to glance at the nearest magazine, billboard or television advertisement.   I deserve to be rewarded for my hard work and years of education. I deserve to be rewarded for being a responsible citizen. After all, I have a clean house, a neat lawn, and clean, fashionable clothes.  It is not my fault that other people are lazy, dirty, and irresponsible.  There is no shortage of people who will validate my arrogant, self-righteous arguments.
 
Grandma Fannie and some other adults in my childhood seemed to expect sainthood.  They would recite quotes attributed to Jesus. Later, some would quote Buddha or some other wise teacher.  
 
By the time I was an adult, although I had not come close to behavior resembling Mother Theresa or any of the other saints. Every time I strayed from those values which I had been taught as a child I felt off balance or not myself.  Every time, I heard myself judging another or reciting the “list” of sins of others as an excuse for mean, unkind, or withholding behavior I heard Grandma Fannie, mother, the pastor or some other voices which have taken up permanent residence in my head saying, “All you own is your integrity.”
 
When I first became familiar with the 12 step programs such as AA, NA and OA I often heard, “Do the next right thing.  Just do the next right thing no matter what.”  I would hear those in early recovery repeating my old refrain of “but”.  
 
Not surprisingly, other humans also struggle with focusing on doing the next right thing no matter what others do or do not do; no matter if those around one are fair or unfair;  or no matter what injustices one has suffered.  Whether it is the justification of killing because someone else has killed, the withholding of kindness because someone else has been unkind; the refusal to talk respectfully because someone else has been disrespectful it is easy to ignore the teachings which I say I believe; teachings such as “Love your enemy. Do not throw the first stone. Do not judge.”.  Yet, the other voice which has kidnapped my brain and may heart shout out at me, “You only own your integrity and the core of your integrity is doing the next right thing no matter what.”  
 
I keep thinking that soon it will always be comfortable just doing the next right thing. Yet, although it is less uncomfortable it is not yet comfortable all the time.   I often think of some of the letters of Mother Theresa when she was busy doing the work which has been determined to be saintly.  In those letters, she often expressed a range of emotions including doubt about God and her faith.  Yet apparently, she knew that taking care of the least of these was the next right thing no matter whether the God of her understanding existed or not.
 
I am certainly not a Mother Theresa,  a Pope Francis or even that homeless person who takes time to be kind to me. I do “know” that all I own is my integrity.  Still, perhaps this one time this little shortcut or detour would be okay.  “No?  But!”
 
Once again I am reminded that I still need Grandma Fannie to channel what every wise person has always know.  “All you own is your integrity.”
 
Thanks.
 
 
Written July 24, 2017

​Sunday Musings – July 23, 2017
 
Despite the ongoing turmoil in much of the world, my little corner of the world was very routine this week  Although I was consistently busy and, at times, challenged by how to deal with house issues (there are always issues when one owns a home) and by how to be helpful to clients, there was nothing which felt particularly stressful or worrisome.  
 
It was a good week for being reminded as Richard Carlson famously said, to not sweat the small stuff and it is all small stuff.   I am not sure why us humans so often need the reminder that life, at best, lasts five minutes (certainly seems that way) and we either deal with life issues as they arrive, panic about them, or try to avoid them.  No matter what we do life will indeed move on without us.  Very often comedians, such as one I heard on the Moth radio program this morning, will remind the audience that despite the fact that they are the center of the universe somehow the universe will, one day go on without their direction or even input.    Even though we are an integral piece of the whole, the paradox is that the whole will continue to exist whether we are actively engaged or not.  Obviously, the energy which was us continues to go on with or without our physical presence.  
 
Conceptually, I get this and, yet, I still, after all these years of meeting with clients, have a moment when a person brings up an issue and I feel a need to come up with a wise or at least cogent response. Often, however, I have no cogent response.   Just last night I was attempting to formulate a response to a client and my brain was devoid of any wise advice.  I frantically googled the issues the client had raised hoping I could find something helpful or wise to suggest. Before I was even finished my research the client had accessed that wise part of her mind.  The only role she needed me to play was to listen to her.   When we are sharing with another person the answer or solution often – not always, but often – comes to us. The answer may be that there is no good answer but that is also okay.
 
The same thing happened with a household plumbing issue this morning.   I had no idea what to do but I did find the manual and will either get the new parts myself and install them or ask for assistance from someone.  If it does not get fixed today it is no big deal.
 
I can think of hundreds of issues which have felt like big deals when they happened.  Often I would wring my hands, cry, make phone calls or take some other action only to find out that I had no choice but to accept the situation and to remind myself that I would survive.   Some events drastically changed the course of my life.  The plan I had so carefully crafted for the next stage of my life was filed in the “might have been” file. Life went on and eventually one event led to another which led to another which brings me to the luxurious place in my life today.
 
Occasionally, I feel bad that I no longer join others to march or demonstrate about issues such as health care, global warming, human trafficking, money for addiction treatment or a host of other issues.  I do sometimes donate money and occasionally sign petitions.   Am I abdicating my responsibility as a citizen because I am being lazy?  Perhaps I have become complacent or perhaps I am waiting for a more positive way to move towards change.   I tell myself that, in part, I address many issues in my writing and I donate a lot of hours to work with individuals who are attempting to claim their place in the community.  Yet, when I see photos or read a news story of friends standing up for a more just community I feel slightly guilty.  Another part of me feels that if we each do the spiritual work we need to do that the wave of spiritual change which is currently taking place in the larger world will grow exponentially.  
 
Once again I am reminded that without taking myself to seriously and without attending church I need to spend the Sabbath (Friday, Saturday, Sunday or whatever day I set aside) to review the week as a whole, to remind myself of my spiritual goals, and to attempt to notice how well I walked the talk this week.
 
Written July 23, 2017
 
 

​Who is in charge?
 
It seems easy for many of we humans to tell ourselves and anyone else that will listen that we would be fine if we just did not have so many demands on our time.  This may be true because we have locked ourselves into this prison of commitments.  The concept of choice may seem, at best, like a distance cousin who has little voting power in our lives.  The causes for this may be numerous including:
 
·      We have overcommitted ourselves and now feel a strong responsibility to honor those commitments.
·      We hate admitting to someone that we cannot do what we have previously committed to doing.  We may hate this because:
o   We do not want to burden the person upon whose shoulders the task will fall if we say we cannot do it.
o   We do not like admitting that we have limits.
o   We do not want to admit that we made a mistake.
·      We may have designed our life or a portion of our lives around a certain number of commitments. When something unexpected occurs such as death or the illness of a loved one we find we have left no room or energy to “fit” this unexpected event into our schedule.
·      We have divided our lives into tasks and relationships.  If we are doing a task the focus cannot be on the relationship.   For example, many people, including me, have been greatly comforted by the presence of others during the initial phase of grief.  In the midst of my grief I have shared tears, laughter and great joy.  Another  example may be a decision to visit with family while incidentally fixing dinner.
·      We find ourselves in an unexpected, isolated position such as, for example, our partner/spouse suddenly dies leaving us to raise five children all alone and there is not much life insurance, if any at all.  We have isolated ourselves and do not have the support system we now need.
·      We are working for a boss or a company which consistently expects a pound of flesh before morning coffee and the whole body by the end of the day.   Some of John Grisham’s early novels vividly portray the decision to sell one’s soul to a high-powered law firm for the so-called security of a high salary. Of course, not all of us have many choices regarding jobs.  We may, for a variety of reasons, only have the training or ability to perform certain jobs.
·      We have an enormous list of “shoulds.” For example, I should always have a clean house.  I should always fix gourmet, interesting, healthy meals for the family.  I should be a good friend to everyone I know. I should be an exceptional employee. I should have the perfect body. I should exercise for 1 ½ hours a day. I should keep the lawn perfectly manicured.  I should do volunteer work. 
I should satisfy my partner’s ambitious to live in a very expensive house.
I should make sure I send my children to an expensive private school.
 I should ….
Obviously, most of us could, I am sure, add to this list.  There are so many reasons why we feel as if we have no choices and life is now happening to us. In truth, there are situations where none of the choices to reduce the commitment seem like good choices.  I am sure that single parents who can only find a job which forces them to work the afternoon shift cannot think of any way to reduce their stress. There may not be relatives or close, healthy friends who can help.  If one is living in subsidized housing one may have many restrictions.  One did not plan one one’s partner/spouse dying, being an abusive person or having a chronic, progressive illness such as addiction.
 
Much of the time, however, we all have choices. These may include:
 
·      Being willing to sell our house, possibly at a loss, and reduce other expenses.  In other word, we may have to rethink our priorities.  The man and woman who started Habitat for Humanity gave up a high paying, stressful jobs, sold their expensive house and changed their entire story.
·      Setting clear priorities and letting go of some of the “shoulds.”   One may have to have a decently clean house which looks lived in and not one which is ready to be a show house all the time. 
·      Asking for help.
·      Quitting a volunteer job or community commitment despite the fact that one “promised” to get it done.
·      Asking for a job change to one which has less responsibility.
·      Allowing the children to attend public school or make other changes.
·      Accepting help from relatives even though one “swore” one would never do that.
·      Reminding oneself that one has and is currently making choices.
 
This last one is probably one of the most important reminders for all of us.   In most cases, we can decide what is important and the daily legacy we want to leave.  If we have a system for identifying the choices and we are making and re-examining them in light of our core values we will immediately feel less stressful. The prison in which we find ourselves may be one of our choosing.    Today I know, for example, that I have X units of energy.  I just agreed to see a client today and one tomorrow.  I may have other client calls or emails to which I want to respond.  If I have allocated all of the X units of energy already, I am going to have to eliminate some tasks form my list for today and tomorrow.   Then I may need to remind myself that based on my value system I am not going to get certain tasks done.  In my case, the house may not get a thorough cleaning or I change my menu for company for tomorrow.  If I try to do everything I may be a poor listener/helper with clients and grumpy with dinner company tomorrow.  Doing a poor job with clients and being grumpy with company is not acceptable in the value system which I have chosen. 
 
For me, there is a lot of freedom in knowing that I make choices.   When I blame other people, places or things for being overwhelmed or grumpy I am having no freedom because I have no control over others.
 
Today I will smile and remind myself that I am making choices based on my chosen value system.
 
 
Written July 22, 2017
 

​One potato, two potato, …
 
I had not consciously thought of the nursey rhyme “One potato, two potato” in many years. I have no idea why my aged brain suddenly decided to bring this previously stored rhyme to the surface this morning.  The rhyme has been used by children in many parts of the English-speaking world and I suspect in other parts of the world for many years and can a fun way to decide who is “it.” Usually, all the children playing put out their two fists. One child goes around tapping the other kids’ fist with his fist. The one whose fist he ends the rhyme on is out.   Eventually there is only one child left and he or she is “it.’    The full rhyme is:
 
One potato, two potato,
Three potato, four,
Five potato, six potato,
Seven potato, more!
 
For children, this can be a fun game although I am not sure of its competitive value in the days which now include video games, X –box and other far more interesting games.
 
Sadly, it seems, however, that many of us who are now expected to think or act like responsible adults use some version of his nursery rhyme as a decision-making model.   Instead of what my friend Rose called a moral compass or what I label as my core set of values or what some may refer to as “right, just, or fair” decision-making model, one makes decisions based on the immediate and often short-term reward principle or on what is the easier or least strenuous path. 
The one potato, two potato decision making-model may be very attractive to many of us humans because it essentially relieves us of the burden of responsibility or making a decision which may be uncomfortable.
 
Earlier today I was listening to an elected official talk about the facts that:
 
·      Some part of every day is spent on fund raising efforts with special interest groups.
·      Elected officials or representatives can only be effective if they retain some position of power.
·      Elections are enormously expensive.
·      When one initiates or votes on legislation one then has to think about how special interest people or groups may respond. Will special interest group B contribute more money to the re-election campaign?  If B is, will C by displeased?
It is easy to use politicians as an example of those who use the one potato, two potato decision-making model.  Yet, many of us in our own personal and work lives use a similar model.   We may ask ourselves:
 
·      One potato.  Is this decision likely to cost me money?
·      Two potato.   Is someone going to be critical of my decision?
·      Three potato.  What are the immediate and long-term financial consequences of this decision?
·      Four potato.  Who will know what decision I make?
·      Five potato.  Is there some immediate gain from this decision?
·      Six Potato.   The only person or company affected is a large one with lots of money they will not miss.
·      Seven potato: Everyone is doing it.
 
Just as important as what we are asking is what we are not asking. For example:
 
·      What does my moral compass say or what are my core values?
·      Am I going to experience a sense of spiritual peace or contentment following this decision?
·      If I am a parent, living or working with any other people, am I willing to recommend that everyone use the one potato, two potato model of decision-making or am I suggesting that I be allowed to use it but others should not?
 
Some might say that the one potato, two potato model is “just the cost of doing business and making money.”  Some might say that this model is it as just the cost of getting elected and staying in an elected position.  Some might say that it is the necessary cost of providing for one’s family.   This model may allow for a good, private school for one’s children who can then be trained to critically think when they are adults.  It may allow for those purchases which will ensure that one’s children or ourselves feel equal to the others who can purchase the latest X game, car, large flat screen home theater, or ….
 
If we are lucky, we all have people or situations in our lives which force us to articulate own our decision-making model.   This confrontation may leave us feeling very uncomfortable, frightened and, at times, alone.  Perhaps this is the necessary cost of using a moral compass or core set of values to make decision which we would openly and gladly leave as our moral footprint.
 
Written July 21,2017