I have previously written about fear and the extent to which we allow fear and anger to control us.  I have not, it seems, had to deal specifically with living with fear and anger in one’s own home.

Early this morning while listening to one of the CDs, which I have downloaded on my phone, I was reminded of a story one of my favorite spiritual teachers had relayed.  The teacher is Dr. Dorothy Jones, a PhD psychologist, a professor, a wife, a friend, a well-known spiritual leader, and teacher in the Ohio Valley section of the United States.  Dr. Jones has played an important part in my life.  Although we did not know each other at the time, we were both at the University of Maryland at the same time. Later she hired me to work at a community mental health center.  Thus began, for me, a very powerful, loving and often challenging relationship. The challenge was not one in which we found it difficult to spend time with each other. The challenge was and remains one which forces me to think more widely and deeply about a variety of spiritual topics.  As is often true, some of Dorothy’s stories make a particular impression on me.  Of course, once I store a story it is, in a real sense, my story and not Dorothy’s. I can only tell a story the way I heard it and now remember it.  As is true for all of us, the story we remember may or may not bear much resemblance to what the original author intended.  At any rate, following is the story which popped up in my mind this morning. 

One evening, Dorothy was teaching a late class at a local college. At that time, the path to and the staff parking lot was not well lit and would have been fairly deserted at that time of night. Still, Dorothy was in a very spiritual, peaceful place.  As she was walking a man came up to her and was going to rob and/or accost her.  Because she was in a very strong, quiet, spiritual space she was able to look towards the man and say with enormous love, “You do not want or need to do this.”  He left without further bothering or threatening her.  Now, I am not suggesting and certainly Dr. Jones was not suggesting, that this approach is always going to work.  It happened that this man was not presently affected by active drug abuse or other factors. Thus he was able to hear the love in her voice.

Pema Chodron tells a similar story of a high school counselor who had advised one of his female students to move from her father’s house to her mother’s house.  The man who had lost his job as a police person for being overly aggressive in how he did his job was very angry.   When the father came to confront the counselor, he was very angry and immediately started verbally thrashing the counselor.  For whatever reason, the counselor who usually would have defended himself, just listened and then said the to the man, “You must really love your daughter.”  At that point the very angry man broke down and cried.

In my role as a counselor/therapist I had, at one time, a reputation for working for/with angry men with a history of physical violence.   When they would come to my office, they would often be very angry.   My goal was to “not accept the invitation” to the anger and to respond to that fearful and often painful place in their heart.  If I were consistent with responding to the pain in a strong, soft voice they would always calm down.  Of course, they were already in trouble with the law and usually did not want to get into further legal trouble. Sometimes, however, it did not matter to them. They were already feeling hopeless.  Still, 100% of the time, if they stayed in my office for the scheduled visit, they calmed down.

I do not want anyone to read this and think that I am saying that it is okay to be physically, verbally, sexually, emotionally, or otherwise abusive to another person.  We all deserve to be treated with respect.  This is true of the mother with whom I texted with this morning after adult son called her a four-letter word.  It is not okay for anyone to do that.  

I am suggesting that instead of getting angry, if this woman could learn to respond to the pain, which leads to his abusive, bullying behavior that her son would have to change his behavior or he would have to leave. As I have previously suggested, this is basic physics. All systems have to balance.   If someone is angry or bullying and the other person is calm, but strong, then the system in not balanced. The system can be balanced in the following ways:

·      The non-angry person can respond with anger – system now balanced with two angry persons.

·      Angry person can join non-angry person – system now balanced with two non-angry people.

·      One person can leave and system is balanced. (Sometimes there is a physical departure, but not a real departure and, thus, the dynamics can continue to be balanced with two angry people from a distance.)

Sounds simple and, yet, we humans find it terribly difficult to not respond to the anger with anger.  This is especially true if the current situation triggers memory of a similar situation in our past. (Some will remember that the triggering of former experiences and emotions is called Shenpa.)

In the case of the woman whose son was so inappropriate/abusive with her, the situation triggered:

•  Old memories of being bullied and abuse

•  Old memories of being a child and no one protecting her.

In other words the new situation becomes a re-creation of the a childhood traumatic situation.  She reacts as if she is still the helpless child by crying out or running away and hiding.

Such learned colleagues as psychiatrist and author, Alice Miller, and family therapists such as Murray Bowen have postulated that we will continue to relive the old traumatic situation until we realize, at a deeper level, that we are now adults and that the behavior of the other is not about us. We then have the option of not getting drawn into the drama of the other person.  We can also choose to respond to their pain while lovingly letting the abusive person know that their behavior is not acceptable.  That seemingly simple realization contains the seeds for a significant program for spiritual growth.  We will not achieve this growth overnight.  We all grow the exact same way – inch-by-inch or step-by-step. Of course, that is assuming we are practicing a program for spiritual growth.

Most of us would still prefer not to have to deal with any sort of abuse including the threat of abuse.  I agree 100%.  We should not have to live with abuse. On the other hand, even if we have a safe home, we will continue to encounter similar situations until we learn the basic spiritual lessons we need to learn.  This does not mean we intentionally invite them into our lives. It does mean that there is a lot of pain based anger “out there” and it will continue to trigger old issues until we work past/through them.

Dr. Alice Miller, A Swiss psychologist of Polish-Jewish origin who died in 2010, coined the term, “an Enlightened Witness” which she defined as:

“ . . . A warm, enlightened witness - therapist, social aid worker, lawyer, and judge - can help the criminal unlock his repressed feelings and restore the unrestricted flow of consciousness. This can initiate the process of escape from the vicious circle of amnesia and violence.”

(“The Essential Role of an Enlightened Witness in Society”, www.alice-miller.com)

The work of Dr. Miller has been used to help us understand the multi-generational cycle of abuse and the affects of traumatic events in one’s life in general.   Many years ago, Dr. Miller theorized that in order for healing to occur one has to both remember the abuse/trauma and has to share it with another “warm, enlightened witness”.   This witness provides them a safe place to remember the abuse/trauma and to “give vent to their feelings of rage, pain and indignation at what happened to them.” (www.Alice-Miller.com)

She has applied this theory to her understanding of why those who are abused often, but not necessarily always, end up being an abuser.    Those people who do not end up becoming abusers themselves always had some loving adult who was unable to protect them.   Thus, Dr. Miller does not maintain that everyone who was abused will become an abuser, but she does maintain that every abuser has a history of being a victim of a person(s) or circumstances.

Dr. Miller has proposed that we consider the thesis that if we want to stop the cycle of violence we have to lovingly help the victim remember and share their “feelings of rage, pain and indignation”.   Sadly, what we too often do is to further punish the victim because he/she has become the abuser. 

The 12-step program of recovery from addiction the steps and the traditions give one the opportunity to honestly look at their history as victims and abusers.  They then share that with another trusted person who may or may not be their sponsor.   Although the 4th step deals with a “searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves” my experience in working for/with individuals has been that once they begin this step of honesty they also begin to remember the ways in which they were abused or traumatized.   When they can allow themselves to share this with someone who will validate their truth without shaming them or casting them further into the victim role, they begin to have real adult choices.

When we do not have some understanding of why we are behaving in a certain way we will do our best to justify our behavior by blaming it on the other person, repeating learned prejudices, or finding some “learned” individual to agree with us.  

Although many who read the works of Dr. Miller understand her to be talking those individuals who suffered easily recognizable traumatic abuse, she is also talking about the abuse, which may not have been so blatant or so obvious to the average outsider.

Perhaps it is helpful to make sure that the reader and I are using the same definition of abuse.  In some of her notes, Dr. Miller addressed this issue. I am, however, going to use the definition of abuse, which I have been using in my work for a very long time.   I define abuse as any behavior, which the individual experiences that says directly or indirectly state or imply that one is less then. This is, of course, obvious with such acts as murder or rape.  In order to murder someone I have to consider that, at that moment, his or her life is less important than mine. If I plan a murder it is very obvious. If I am react impulsively it is less clear.  In order to rape someone, if one is “sane” one has to decide that the need for power is more important than the sacredness of the person being raped.  There are many other ways of behaving in a way which communicates that the person is less than/not as worth while, not deserving, or is lacking some essential because they are a bad/sinful person.  We have to consider acts of commission and omission.

Certainly most of us have had some experience of abuse.  If we were lucky we had a parent or other enlightened witness whom we could truthfully tell us that what the abuser said or did was not about us, but about his or her own issues.  It is not surprising then that, even in the case of rape when or other sexual abuse, when the individual immediately tells someone who is very supportive and keep reassuring them that they did nothing wrong and that the other person has some issue/problem then the victim of the abuse will essentially heal very quickly. They may, of course, have a scar which never goes away, but they will not be traumatized or later abuse others.    It is only when we internalize the “lies” of the abuser that we unable to heal and move on with our lives in a healthy way.

One of the reasons why Father Gregory Boyle is so accepted and trusted by the former gang members is that he listens without judging and without adding to the sense of victimhood.

It occurs to me that the essential message of the Dr. Millers and the Father Gregory’s of the world is one of hope.  By listening with love we validate both the abuse and the fact that we are not our abuse. We are not less than, not just an object, not deserving of abuse, not an anybody or without worth. We are somebody and who can move beyond reacting and we can then claim the life we deserve.

Just as important in my mind is that we not validate the belief that we are a victim who has been damaged beyond repair. I have seen numerous incidences of my colleagues, judges, attorneys and others who have, in an effort to win a case or be supportive, said over and over again in front of the person who was abused, “This person has been so heinously abused and has suffered so much that they can never have a normal, healthy life.  This, in my mind, because just another piece of the abuse. However well intentioned, the person has said confirmed that the person is a damaged goods and has no hope of healing.

The enlightened witness lovingly holds out his/her arms and says:  “Come home. You are the same wonderful person you were prior to the abuse.  We all have some scars. The person who abused you did not have the opportunity to heal. He/she does not know what to do with their pain except strike out in one form or another.  They are without hope. That is sad and about them and their journey.  It affected you but does not define you.  Express al the feelings you need to. I will not judge you or condone the abuse. I will show you that you are worthy of respect and love.”