If one researches the concept and etiology of nuclear families, one quickly realizes that there is a significant amount of disagreement about such issues as:
· What constitutes a nuclear family?
· Did nuclear families begin with the industrial revolution or around the 13th century in some parts of the world?
· Are they an effective model for modern society?
· How long should parents be responsible for adult children? Does conception of a child automatically make them legally and morally responsible for the child for as long as they live?
· Are adult children responsible for their aging parents?
· Who assumes responsibility for a differently abled adult child when the parents are no longer able to take care of them?
· What are the rights of the child?
· What are the rights of the parents?
· Who is responsible for aging, impaired adults?
· When the parents are no longer living together who is responsible for the impaired adult children?
In my practice as a family therapist and a life coach I daily deal with parents and children who are struggling with impaired adult children or adult children who are struggling with needs of their aged or otherwise impaired parents. If both parents are living in the same home there is often disagreement over the extent of the responsibility for adult children. Even family therapists disagree about when it is helpful to provide financial and emotional support for adult children when the adult children are actively addicted, living with a chronic mental illness, or an impairing physical illness. If the parents feel as if the adult children are getting the care they need and will stabilize at some point, it is usually easier to accept responsibility. When it seems as if there is no end in sight and the adult child is unable to get help, they may be demanding, destructive and not able to participate in family life. The same situation can occur with parents who are living with adult children.
In the United States, partly because of past abuses and partly because we value the illusion of individual choice, it is very difficult to force someone to get the treatment they may need to stabilize their health. An alcoholic or other addict whose thinking ability is affected by their illness may be demanding, blaming, angry, distrustful, and generally disruptive of any normal routine of the family. Often one parent is ready to tell the adult child that they cannot live at home if they are unwilling to get help and the other parent is unable to agree to forcing the child to leave the home until they are ready to get the help they need. It is very difficult to force a child to leave if one knows that they are going to be homeless. Once a child or adult parents are stabilized they may be eligible for housing or other assistance. Of course, they have to agree to get that assistance.
As anyone knows who has worked with programs serving the homeless, a great many individuals and families do end up homeless. Sometimes, individuals and families qualify for and can accept help with housing and other needs. Sometimes they cannot.
In general, we are a society, which depends on people being able to support themselves and live independently. If someone had earned a decent income and then can prove that they are now disabled they may qualify for a decent disability payment and be able to live decently on their own. Some may qualify for and be able to enter residential treatment programs. Frequently, even if someone qualifies and is willing to accept that assistance then there is a long waiting period before a vacancy is available. In the meantime, the individual may get so desperate that they do something, which results in new legal or medical issues.
As we, as a society, are able to keep older people alive longer, diseases such as Alzheimer’s may make their care very difficult at best and impossible if one is working. Again, there may or may not be the funds or the availability of a residential living facility where they will be given the level of respectful, competent care that they need.
Frequently the adult children attempting to take care of aging, mentally, or physically disabled parents, or the parent(s) attempting to take care of a mentally or physically impaired adult child because exhausted, frustrated, and angry. In their effort to make sense of the situation or to find a solution they may result to blaming the ill person or, if living with a partner or other family member, they may blame that person. The truth, of course, is that there is no one who is at fault. No one deliberately sets out to be emotionally or physically ill.
Despite what it may seem no one asks for an addictive disorder. Most people can drink, even experiment with some other drugs safely, take prescribed pain medication, or engage in other behaviors without becoming addicted. We have all been complicit in either designing or going along with a cultural system which is often unworkable.
In many older communities and in some other animal communities, it is accepted that the entire community is one unit; all people in the community share responsibility for each other. There may be rules and rituals for sharing responsibility for ill or otherwise impaired individuals. In intentional communities such as the Bruderhof, all people are the responsibility of the entire community. As long as one agrees to live within the boundaries of the belief system, all needs will be taken care of and provided for. (www.bruderhof.com) There are a number of other intentional communities in the United States and other countries but they comprise a very small part of the overall population. If one wants to learn more about these communities one can goggle intentional communities. Most of these communities will allow visitors. Some such as the Bruderholf will allow visitors. Generally one pays for housing and food by agreeing to do a certain amount of work while staying there. At the Bruderhof, for example, when I was visiting I worked in the top factory making wooden blocks.
There are also intentional communities, which combine the concept of nuclear families with the concept of shared resources and shared responsibilities. Many cities have such communities.
For those active in larger religious communities there may be shared resources and shared help again combining the concepts of nuclear family and shared responsibility.
Most of us, however, are not living in such a community. At some point we may be forced, for a number of reasons, to explore options other than the isolated nuclear family. For now, we need to be more honest, as a community, about what is working and what is not working in our current system. We might want to consider, at a minimum:
· Allocating more resources for those who are differently abled. This may mean allocating resources differently. Currently we are spending a lot of money to house mentally ill and addicted individuals in jails.
· Revisiting laws, which allow mentally impaired individuals to be involuntary committed to treatment.
· More public support of experimental housing and living alternatives.
· Letting go of the illusion that we all have “free will” and that someone has to be blamed if a family member cannot function and cannot allow themselves to get the treatment they need.
· Being more realistic about the use of resources, including housing.
· Exploring application of the concepts of differently abled vs. disabled to our current programs such as social security.
· More open discussion of what is working and what is not working in our current system; letting go of the public illusion that all good people live in a functional nuclear family and can take care of each other without outside assistance.
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