The last few days when reading the Tampa Tribune I have again been struck by the juxtaposition of articles about war and weapons with those about such issues as same sex marriage, and environmental concerns.    It sometimes seems as if we humans are often more comfortable killing each other – in  the name of justice, right, God’s Will or whatever – than we are in loving each other.  This is not a new observation.  I have been noticing this for many years.   Back in the late sixties and early seventies on the campus of the very prestigious academic institution where I was working on a masters degree, some of we students replaced the decorated holiday tree with a silhouette of a bomb which we outlined with brightly colored holidays lights.  We also put up signs proclaiming that apparently the staff of the institution thought that  Jesus taught that violence is better than loving. For example, in looking at the investments of this  so-called Christian institution it seems that there was a disconnect between investments and their core belief system. In our mind we were forcing the institution to more honestly face this seeming inconsistency.

Daily, there are reports of violence in iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, France, Sweden, parts of Africa,  Ukraine, and Libya as well as on the streets, in offices and homes in the United States.  If one truly took in the pain which is associated with any of this violence, one would be immobilized. For every death a part of us dies.  For every limb or eye or brain function which is lost we suffer loss.  Yet, we must continue functioning and that means that we must not experience these losses too deeply.  Otherwise we could not go to work ,wash the dishes or take care of our children.  We would feel helpless and overwhelmed.  Therefore, we emotionally disconnect at some level much of the time.   

Many nations, including the United States, are increasingly using drones as a way to kill “the enemy”.  Of course, we have to know that “the enemy” will soon use drones also.  Drones allows us even more insulation from the shared humanness and allow us to feed our illusion that there really is an  “us” and “them”

In the state of Florida there is a lot of discussion about a current proposed legislative bill that we allow students and staff to carry guns on college campuses.    We will arm our students and teachers to kill the disturbed person or the person who seems as if he/she might be a threat.  We will also make it difficult for the police to tell the troubled individual from the students “who are exercising their right to protect themselves.”  Nearly every college president has spoken out against arming the students and staff. Still, it seems as if the measure has a good chance of passing.

Articles reporting the discourse about same sex marriage – most recently in Texas and Alabama  - seem to  suggest that these may  be even more emotional issues for some than the violence we are inflicting on each other.

Why is this, one might reasonably ask?   Why in the world would anyone care whether  people of whatever gender love and take care of each other?  One would think that those  legislators and others who worry about the “burden” of taking care of the “have nots” would be delighted with any law which legalized people taking responsibility for each other. Yet, for many that is not the case.  There is a high level of anger and fear associated with same sex marriage or other changes in what in what we find normal or moral.   This is true, not only in certain portions of the populations of the United States,  but in many other countries as well.   In some countries people are still put to death for engaging in a loving sexual relationship with someone of the same sex.   Frequently it is purported that Allah, God or the Higher Power in which that culture believes is deeply offended by such behavior – more offended than by the murder which we justify as self defense. 

Am I seriously to believe that the Deity is offended by what I do with my body parts for love or even just for fun.  Really?  How could that be?   Why would we humans envision a Deity which has nothing more to do that be concerned about whether I am restricting my sexual activity to the possibility of procreating or just having safe, intimate fun with another person of whatever gender? 

Why, we might ask, do we humans get so angry in the name of our particular Deity.  Surely our Deity would be more upset by us killing each other or otherwise harming each other.

Anger is an interesting emotion which we humans seems to use very liberally.   Just this morning I was talking with someone about the purpose of our anger.   We decided that most often the purpose of our anger is:

·      To help us avoid dealing with the discomfort of some decision or behavior of ours.

·      To help us avoid dealing with the discomfort of  fear.

·      To help us avoid dealing with the discomfort of having to let go of the illusion that we can clearly tell the good from the bad.

·      To help us deal with the discomfort of letting go of an attachment to some belief, hope or expectation.  For example, if I had decided that you were going to always be there for me and then you up and die, I might “find myself” being very angry and blaming you for “making me” face the future without you; for letting go of the belief that I can only be happy if you  live or behave the way I have decided you “should” behave.

It is very comforting when we can convince ourselves that our anger and even our violence is justified.  Surely despite the lack of weapons of mass destruction we, as a country, were justified in declaring war on Iraq and eventually killing the “bad man” who was head of the country as well  as many, many other Iraqi people.

It was very comforting to convince ourselves that our involvement in Vietnam and later Cambodia was to keep the bad people out of the country – the bad people being the Vietcong and not the French or other Colonial Powers.

It is very comforting when we think that we are morally superior for behaving in a certain way sexually  even if that sometimes means that we suppress and even lie to ourselves about our sexual feelings or behavior.   

As we age and if we are awake we cannot help but notice that just about the time we think we have figured out the rules for this life journey something or someone comes along to challenge those rules.  A hole get punched into what we thought was an airtight box ; a box in  which we placed all “the truths” or this life journey.

As in the case with sexual behavior we find that the original reason for the rule no longer exists.   For example, when  lots of children and mothers died in childbirth, when lots of people died young, when we needed as many people as possible to harvest or gather food  and we thought there was a limited number of sperm, it made sense to prohibit  the “wasting of seeds” by masturbating/pleasuring oneself,  or having sexual relationships with someone of the same sex or even someone of the opposite sex using birth control.  Also, there was even less understanding of sexually transmitted diseases and no treatment available.   We can now make more informed “rules” for sexual behavior consistent with what we know about disease and  with our plans regarding children or lack of same.

It seems that it is only when we face our fears that we can let go of our anger and begin to explore new ways of living in cooperative harmony with each other.  Perhaps we do not need to continue to make enemies out of each other or to punish others who see the world differently than we do.  Perhaps it is only when we face our fears that we can find the freedom of our strength; the strength of opening to new possibilities; of new truths.

Little bits of Jesus or Buddha or “The higher power of your understanding”

Since I have recently moved to Florida from the Wheeling/Pittsburgh area I am acutely aware of the  blessings of community.   I had probably forgotten how long it took when I moved to the Wheeling/Pittsburgh area to begin to feel at home and to have a sense of belonging to a community. 

In the meantime I am acutely aware of  my scattered community which coalesces  in my new home.   Whether it is listening to Anne Lamott’s “Plan B” which was a gift of my friend Julia,  seeing the many pieces of artwork done by friends such as Barbara, Pat, Liz, Diane and others, picking up one of the small gifts from Doreen, Vilja, Jamie my son, or a host of others, or reading a book by one of the many who have nurtured and challenged me through their writing talent,  I am reminded that I am loved.

On this first Sunday of Lent  in the Christian tradition I am aware of how much we humans complicate the simple messages of the Buddha, Christ, Allah or any of the other spiritual leaders.  There are all love; they are all reminders that there is not us and them; that we have a sacred relationship with mother nature; that we all have gifts to share with each other; that we have all the same pain and joy; that the source of our pain or joy may vary but it is the same. We know each other if we know ourselves.

On this Sunday I am reminded that I am always surrounded by little bits of Jesus or whoever or whatever represents our higher power. Love is not complicated.  We are all community.  Whether it was the friendly help of someone new at the gym this morning or the amazing welcome of the  organizers of the workshop on Animating for Social Change yesterday in Tampa, I am reminded that I do not have to search for love.  I do have to open my eyes and trust these simple “bits of Jesus” scattered throughout my walk on this journey of life.

The Creation of a criminal

As a mental health professional, early on in my education I was introduced to the term iatrogenic which basically refers to the illness or condition caused by a treatment. It frequently refers to the side effects of medication which then have to be treated with another medication which …  One quickly grasps this progression.

Sometimes there are no good options.  Taking blood pressure medication when exercise and other complimentary methods of treatment are not enough is a much better option than a stroke or other serious medical problem.  One of the side effects of many blood pressure medications is erectile dysfunction.  We now have a medication to treat ED.  For some, this is an enormous blessing.   My point is not that we can avoid all iatrogenic conditions, but that we need to be very cognizant of them and to avoid them when possible. 

We could, I believe, accurately use the term to describe the situation or condition, which is frequently happening in the so-called criminal justice system in this culture.  I could give many examples of this, but the one I want to address in this blog concerns the practice of labeling a wide variety of people in this country as sexual offenders – a designation that will have a negative impact on all aspects of their life for years and, in many states, for life.

In the United States over 747,000 people have been legally labeled as sexual offenders. This is a 23,2 % increase just since 2006.   The cost for identifying, processing them through the legal system, incarcerating them and monitoring them (often for life) are staggering. In Florida, the state where I currently live, the number of registered sexual offenders is 64, 831 (Google search which I cannot independently verify) the number who is monitored and supervised in Florida alone is 150,00.    

Many of these are or have been incarcerated at a cost of $20,553.00 per inmate per year.  This figure does not tell us how much taxpayers paid in lost wages, the cost for helping single parents whose spouse in in prison, the cost of mental health services for all those affected by the original sexual behavior, the personal cost for those who have been labeled as sexual offenders, the cost of legal officials, and the cost of all the law enforcement individuals involved.  This is just the monetary cost, which in itself is staggering. 

The cost in ruined lives of both those labeled as victims and those labeled as offenders is even more staggering and difficult to calculate.

Who are the sexual offenders?  When I ask most people they assume that most, if not all, sexual offenders are pedophiles – people whose primary object of desires or sexual conquest is a prepubescent child.  Among those labeled, as sexual offenders there are a small percentage who are pedophiles; individuals who, for whatever reason, are compulsively sexually attracted to young, prepubescent children.  These individuals have a dysfunction, which they did not ask for; which might require them to be put in a safe, protected environment – not to be punished, but to protect them and others.  Some of these can be helped with treatment and medication. Some cannot yet be successfully treated.

Many of those labeled and prosecuted as sexual offenders are like the young man whose story I read this morning in the St. Petersburg Tribute (February 14, 2015, pages 1 and 6). This is the story of Antonio who was convicted of impregnating his 14-year-old girlfriend when he was 23.  He was sentenced to community control and protection.  When he went with his father to get car parts, which was a violation of his probation, he was sent to jail for 90 days.  He was then released to live in an empty lot which was “one of the locations we put our homeless people at that time.”  When Antonio decided he could no longer live in this lot and went to live with his family, this was a probation violation for which he was sentenced to 10 years in prison for his “willful and substantial violation”.   “On Friday, the 13th of February 2015, the 2nd District of court of appeals reluctantly upheld Rivera’s punishment.”  Using the most recent statistics I could find it will cost the state of Florida $20,553 a year to keep him in prison. Thus, if could cost the tax papers of Florida $205,530.00 plus the cost involved in prosecuting him, putting him in jail, monitoring him on probation when he is released, prosecuting him for a technical probation violation, and paying all those involved in the appeal process. 

The justification for this enormous financial cost, to say nothing of the emotional cost, is predicated on the assumption that when he, at age 23 has sexual relationship with his 14-year-old girlfriend that behavior indicated that he was such a dangerous criminal that this cost was warranted; that justice for this “victim” require us to spend the time and money to ruin the life of this young man and to make the community pay a large amount of money.   I know nothing of the so-called victim or the child (assuming she carried the baby to full term and the baby lived) or who is fulfilling the role of father. 

Now, let me say before I say anything else, that, as a father, I do not want a 23-year-old child starting a family with someone who is a 14-year-old nor do I want my 14-year-old making such important decisions as having sex (and unprotected sex at that) and having a baby. Absolutely not.  Neither the 14-year-old nor 23- year-old individuals (even though the 14-year-old may be mature for her age and the 23-year-old may be immature) are ready for the adult responsibilities of raising a family. Obviously, many 23-years-olds do have a child and have to or need to assume these very adult responsibilities.  Yet, few are financially and emotionally ready for this most important of jobs.

Having said that, do I think a 14-year-old is capable of falling in love; of having strong love feeling and strong sexual feelings.  Yes.  In many cultures, and not that many years ago in our own society, it was common for 14-year-old females to marry someone well into his adult years. In fact many of these marriage were and still are, in some places, arranged. Young men and women have been crowned king or queen to head a country at age 14 or younger.    If any one of us dug into our family history closely we would find someone in the family who had married at 14 or married a 14- year-old and gone on to stay married for 50 years or longer.  Did this make for a difficult life for many? Certainly it did.  Did we tell the young woman that she was a victim and was permanently damaged?  No!  She was expected to perform her marital and maternal duties just as he was expected to perform his marital and paternal duties.

Is the case of Antonio an isolated one?  Are most people on the sexual offender list pedophiles?  In my experience a great many of the folks on the sexual offenders list are not a danger to others.  Let me list just a couple of examples of people/often clients I have personally known. (Names have been changed to protect the individuals whose cases I am discussing).

First, let us consider the case of Sam who, at 19 had a same-sex relationship with a 15-year-old Robert.  Sam himself was somewhat emotionally immature and probably emotionally close to the same age as Robert.  Robert was a very willing participant and secretly videotaped their sexual encounters. When adult family members found the videos, he claimed to be a victim. Staffs of organizations who interview and work with those who are suspected of being a “victim” of sexual abuse often testify on behalf of the individual in court.  In this case, the representative of this community organization, a social worker involved in the case and the parents all claimed in court that the “child”  (now 16) had been “emotionally damaged for life by this heinous crime. “ Heinous crime”?  I testified that the boys were emotionally the same age; that both enjoyed the sexual relationship and that the only damage was labeling this individual Robert a damaged victim and Sam a violent, dangerous, criminal.  Sam spent several years in prison and remains on the sexual offenders list of the state in which he lives.  This means he cannot work many places, cannot live close to schools, day care centers or anyplace children are likely to be living or playing.  His family-of-origin have been financially responsible for him and continue to support him.  

Do I think that a 19-year-old should choose a 15-year-old partner? No. Do I think a 15-year-old can be very sexually mature and very seductive? Yes.  Do I think enjoying oral sex at 15 has to damage someone for life?  Hardly.  In some cultures young people are expected to be introduced to sexual relationships by an older member of the community.   Do I think that the fact that this was a same sex relationship affected the decision to prosecute? Certainly. This took place in a very conservative community. 

Another client of mine has served time in prison and was labeled a sexual offender for 10 years (state laws vary) for having a sexual encounter with an underage prostitute who lied about her age.   We can argue the morals of professional sexual workers and those who use their services, but do we really think that this man is dangerous or so very unusual? Should we label everyone who has sex outside of marriage as a sexual offender? 

Another family I saw had a 15-year-old daughter who was dating a college man.  They did not approve but did not prosecute. Today the young woman is herself a college graduate and doing very well.

Yet, another man I saw brought someone home on more than one occasion with which he had sexual relationships. The visitor got on his computer and intentionally or unintentionally downloaded child porn among a lot of other porn. Through external tracking by law enforcement people it was determined that my client had child pornography on his computer.  The client was then charged with possession of child pornography. My client admitted to downloading adult porn. In this case I presented evidence that it is possible for someone to download material on your computer that you do not want.  We often view advertisements and other material on our computers that we did not solicit. Individuals can also do this with porn, including child porn.  Do we want to prosecute everyone who downloads pornography images?  Our jails would be even more crowded and our so-called justice system would be more broke.

Another client has been in prison in New Jersey for many years for having child pornography on his computer. There was good reason to believe that another person living in the same house downloaded that material.  As it happens my client has a history of being sexually abused and used by his mother starting at a very young age and, as an adult, did abuse young girls himself.  He had served time in prison, but not for the abuse of which he was guilty.  This man has not had a sexual relationship with anyone of any sex or age for many years, is very physically, ill, differently abled and not a danger to anyone. Yet, we are spending a lot of money to keep him in jail and treating his diabetes, his heart condition, his vision issues and other health issues. Why is he in jail?  There has been no evidence that he is a danger to anyone for many, many years.

Yet, another client is in prison in Florida for downloading pornography and fleeing the authorities when he was caught.   I think that this man may have deliberately downloaded child pornography.  I have no evidence that he even attempted to have sex with any children. Yet, he sits in prison. Can this man be “cured” of his desire to watch child pornography?  I doubt it. Is he a bad person?  No. Did he ask for this obsession?  Could anyone of us have such an obsession?  Could his obsession be treated? I am not sure, but I am confident he has not acted on his obsession. His only illicit sexual behavior of which I am aware, other than downloading child porn, was, as a younger man, exposing himself.   This was, I believe, an act of anger related to unresolved issues.  This is a very good man who does need some ongoing counseling. There is even the possibility that he might need to be in protective custody, although I have no evidence of that.

Should anyone be exploiting children and using them in pornography videos, films, books or photos?  Absolutely not.  Should children be kidnapped and forced to service adults.? Absolutely not.  Children have the right to grow up without being used as an object for any purpose.  All adults have the same rights.

If, in fact, we would focus our attention on treating and, in some few cases, retaining those few people who may present a danger to prepubescent children in a safe, humane place where they are treated with love and respect, we would spend much less money and we would quit creating criminals who become outcasts.  Why, a friend who was reading this before I published it asked, would we treat such people with love and respect.   There are at least two important reasons.  Reason one is that they did not ask for the particular sexual desires or obsessions.  Reason two is that treating people as if they are not worth anything or as if they do not deserve respect does not result in positive behavior.  Just as mistreating a hunting dog will not produce a flexible, dependable hunting dog, mistreating any of we humans will not produce positive results.

When we mistreat people whose behavior we do not like or whose behavior with which we are not comfortable, we create or increase emotional illness/dysfunction. Any of us who have been mistreated as children or adults knows how sad, frustrated, angry or withdrawn we can become if bullied or otherwise mistreated.  As I have discussed in other blogs, we know how to create people who are either very passive or very angry.  The study of the psychology of oppression by such learned colleagues as Dr. James Cone documents this process.  When we mistreat others, they become emotionally ill and/or dysfunctional. We often then blame them for being angry or emotionally unstable, even though the behavior is a reaction to the mistreatment.

It is long past time when we began to take a look at a judicial system that has created the careers of many politicians and law enforcement people at the cost of billions of dollars and at the cost of ruining the lives of perfectly good people whose behavior may not be consistent with our particular beliefs.

We, as a society, can change. Just today I attended a same sex wedding ceremony, which was officiated by the major of the community in which I am now living. In some parts of the world today and not long ago in this society, such an event could not have happened and, if it had, people would have been jailed, stoned to death or otherwise “punished” – punished for loving another person. Just recently people in another country were killed because of their loving and/or sexual behavior with someone of the same sex.

I have lived long enough to witness our ability as humans to change.  In fact, I have changed my thoughts and actions over the years and continue to change.  I know it is possible. I also know that fear often prevents many of we humans from being the loving people we essentially are.  The fear of not being enough, of being different, of not being considered moral according to the limited definition of some, or of not being respected can result in shutting down and doing nothing or striking out at others. 

Change usually begins with often-painful honesty. We are, with our current practice of labeling and punishing so many people as sexual offenders, creating criminals and blaming them. The “disease” is an iatrogenic one.  The cure is not to beat ourselves up for actively or passively condoning this unjust and ineffective practice,  but to recognize that is not working and to devote our time and energy to making meaningful changes; changes, which will help, create a more just and loving community.  We can then also use our limited resources to create a safer community for all of us.

I have long been aware of “rules”. For example I know that the rules of manly behavior do not include alternately crying and laughing/giggling while listening to the spiritual teacher/author/co-traveler on this life journey, Anne Lamott, read her book Plan B.  Her often funny, poignant, frequently irrelevant, nakedly honest recounting of her journey as a friend, mother, adult child of an alcoholic, recovering alcoholic, church school teacher, stone throwing  contemplating, neurotic, “overly sensitive” (meaning she cannot hide or filter her feeling through the sieve of the acceptable rules of “polite” society) evoke or awaken all those, not well buried, feelings in me.

Now I know  that if I want to be more a part of the team of manly men or seriously in shape women who work out  at the gym  every morning  I would not listen to Anne Lamott or other irrelevant teachers who speak to the likes me; who quickly break through any barriers I might have had to the tears and the laughter lying under the thinnest, porous layer of “skin”.    Yet, when else should I be listening?  I need something to divert me from the boredom of the exercises to which I religiously submit my body. 

I ride my bike home thinking that once again  I have “failed”.  A little later I sit down to read the newspaper where I read about such news as the decision of our government to sell armed drones to other countries, the lavish spending of tax paper money by the head of Israel, the leading cause of death in teenagers in South Africa being AIDS, ongoing fighting in so many parts of the world and that occasional heart warming story such as one about a guide dog  making it possible for a man to live independently for many years.   With still only the thinnest skin to protect me I again finding myself weeping over my eggs and muffin. At least here at home there is no one to observe such unmanly behavior.

Wait!  Why it is that tough  means being able to detach from one’s common core of humanity. In my experience it takes much more strength to experience what seems very natural and “right”.  Is it not moral and necessary to experience grief and laughter and a sense of shame for how much we humans alternately hurt each other and love each other.

I laugh as Anne Lamott conjectures about Jesus as a teenage going through hormonal changes and driving Mary and Joseph crazy while simultaneously  delivering such wise lessons to his elders in the synagogue.   Who is this child, they might ask? Surely not the bratty, sarcastic, inconsiderate, underwear showing child who inhabits our home?  Yet, of course, it is very same person just as it is the very same person inhabiting this body alternately loving unconditionally and then judging harshly and unkindly the next moment; the one who appears to have it together and falls apart; the one who wants no one to suffer as long as he can have an unequal share of the world’s richest. Yes, that very same one.

Perhaps I will get better at following the rules or perhaps as I approach my 75th birthday I can blame my behavior on aging.

Morning News – February 16, 2015

Back from the gym

I sit down to breakfast with the Tampa Tribune

I read

         Another Bibical Snowstorm

         Jews only safe in Israel, Netanyahu says

         Ukraine cease-fire holding

         Copenhagen gunman had violent history

         IS claims mass beheading of Egyptians Christians

         Obamacare’s unbroken skein of shattered promises

This last at first seems another slam at the idea of decent health care for all of us, but then I read on until I get to “Medical care doesn’t have to be a right before a great nation does the right thing the right way.”

Is it any wonder that I feel

         Overwhelmed with information

         Buried in emotions which threatens to paralyze me

Then I read:

         Poet laureate Philip Levine dies at 87

        

Part of “What Work Is” is quoted.

My trusted friend goggle retrieves what used to take me hours of searching among my disorganized  collection of books which I have promised myself to organize far too many times to count.

“What Work Is”

What Work Is

BY PHILIP LEVINE

We stand in the rain in a long line

waiting at Ford Highland Park. For work.

You know what work is—if you’re

old enough to read this you know what

work is, although you may not do it.

Forget you. This is about waiting,

shifting from one foot to another.

Feeling the light rain falling like mist

into your hair, blurring your vision

until you think you see your own brother

ahead of you, maybe ten places.

You rub your glasses with your fingers,

and of course it’s someone else’s brother,

narrower across the shoulders than

yours but with the same sad slouch, the grin

that does not hide the stubbornness,

the sad refusal to give in to

rain, to the hours of wasted waiting,

to the knowledge that somewhere ahead

a man is waiting who will say, “No,

we’re not hiring today,” for any

reason he wants. You love your brother,

now suddenly you can hardly stand

the love flooding you for your brother,

who’s not beside you or behind or

ahead because he’s home trying to   

sleep off a miserable night shift

at Cadillac so he can get up

before noon to study his German.

Works eight hours a night so he can sing

Wagner, the opera you hate most,

the worst music ever invented.

How long has it been since you told him

you loved him, held his wide shoulders,

opened your eyes wide and said those words,

and maybe kissed his cheek? You’ve never

done something so simple, so obvious,

not because you’re too young or too dumb,

not because you’re jealous or even mean

or incapable of crying in

the presence of another man, no,   

just because you don’t know what work is.

Philip Levine, “What Work Is” from What Work Is. Copyright © 1992 by Philip Levine. Used by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc.

Source: What Work Is: Poems (Alfred A. Knopf, 1991)

I am reminded of the luxury of contemplating ideas and massaging my emotions while much of the world stands in line for work; for basic bread; mourns their dead; dodges bullets or the swords which will behead them.

In the tradition of Walt Whitman Mr. Levine pens a reminder  which I read on this day we have set aside to honor the presidents of this nation; a reminder to see;  a reminder to really see.   Thanks.

Unforgiveable; Nothing Like Me

A few years ago I read the book by William Young, The Shack.   This book was widely read and discussed.  Given the central premise of the book I was surprised.  That premise of the book is that the main “human” character must forgive the person who raped and killed his young daughter.  It is not surprising that this character has a very difficult time with even entertaining the thought of forgiving “this evil” person; this person who has abused his young daughter and taken away her chance to live out this life journey.  Many or most of us would, I suspect, just refuse to even entertain the thought.  We might think to ourselves, “Are you kidding?  What is it you do not understand about how evil this man is.”   Yet in Mr. Young’s book God – portrayed as an African American woman who loves to cook and take care of people – Jesus the simple carpenter – and the Holy Spirit make it seem as if forgiving the man is the most natural thing in the world.

This teaching is, as many of us know, consistent with the teachings of many Buddhists.  My Buddhist teachers suggest that if we want to change the person who bullies or otherwise abuses others in order to feel more important or powerful we should realize that the person is acting that way because of the common human fear that he/she is not enough; that he/she needs to prove their worth by pretending to themselves and others that they are more than. Thich Nhat Hanh, the Zen Master states this principle as follows:  “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over.  He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”   That person needs to learn that they are worth loving just as they are.  If I truly want to create a more loving and just world I will love those who are the most abusive.  That advice seems to go against all that most of us have learned.  It may seem as if loving that person would be tantamount to condoning their behavior.  Many of us have been taught “an eye for an eye” approach to justice; truly convincing ourselves that justice demands that we punish the person who is hurtful.  There are many “scientific” reports that suggest that punishment/treating people unkindly/as less then does not result in healing or long-term positive behavioral changes.  Despite the fact that the United States incarcerates more people than any other so called developed nation, keeps people in prison longer, labels and treats them as bad people they do not get better.  On the whole, the United States  has the highest rate of people returning to prison for a second or third or fourth time.   Of course there are those who do heal in prison; who use the opportunity to examine and change their behavior while they are incarcerated. It may be that some change their behavior merely to stay out of jail. Later they may or may not change their behavior because they want to leave a more spiritual legacy.

Neither the Buddhist nor Jesus is suggesting that we label behavior, which is emotionally or physically hurtful as good behavior.  They are suggesting that we quit lying to ourselves by telling ourselves that the person is worse than or less than or different than you or I.    “Now wait a minute,” we might say.  I have never wanted to rape or otherwise hurt little children. I have never killed a child or anyone else.  That person is much different than I.”  It is true that the level of disconnectedness with the person who rapes or kills may be stronger than I have experienced. There is no way I know how to accurately measure that level of disconnectedness.    Certainly I have, at times, felt very alone and disconnected.  I have certainly, at times,  put my needs above those of another person.   

I have never met a person who deliberately decided that they wanted to be alone and disconnected and able to hurt others without feeling the hurt of the other.  I have met those who were so frightened of being hurt again or so convinced that all people would hurt them that they did all they could to turn off their heart and just survive without considering the needs of others. Some of these live among us. Some have moved to isolated or wilderness areas. I met a number of such people when I lived and worked in Alaska; people who were choosing to live far away from other humans.  If those same people had children they did not hesitate to try to contact the coast guard to help get their child to a doctor.  No matter how much they wanted to be separate,  they would. at times,  use the services of other people; usually with gratitude.

When I worked in prisons in New Jersey, Alaska, and Indiana I encountered many people who seemingly deliberately chose to disconnect, who had been so hurt or lived in violent institutions for so long that they had come to believe that the only way to survive was to cut oneself off from others and to hurt them if they did not behave in a way that was consistent with the other persons perceived needs.  Even then, there were moments when one could detect their soft spot; that part of them which still could connect with an animal or a person.     Once I was assigned as the junior chaplain/counselor to the tier in the New Jersey prison where they were housing the alleged leaders of prisons riots in other prisons.   This was clearly a tough bunch of people who were very angry and did not care for “the man” especially if the man was white. Yet, following a testing period to see if I could be trusted to treat them with respect, I was treated with enormous respect and kindness. 

There was a television show some years ago called The Sopranos.  Tony Soprano was a mob boss who was married and had children.  He clearly was able to order many people hurt.  For him much of the time power and money trumped people in terms of importance.  Yet, with his family and in the conversations he had with his “shrink” one could clearly see his soft side.  This did not surprise me.  I suspect that he did this the same way we train people to kill when they are in combat representing their government.  I have long known that one of the ways that we train people to kill others in the name of country or justice is to label the groups of humans we are fighting as non humans. We use terms such as “Japs, Spics, enemy, Viet Cong, Gooks, terrorist, insurgent, etc.  The reason we do this is to disconnect from the humanness we share with the so-called enemy. In basic training, it is not uncommon to have the sergeant order the troops marching to the chow hall to chant slogans such as “I want to kill Gooks (substitute whatever the current terms are)” In the war the United States has waged in Iraq and Afghanistan the most common terms have been “insurgent” and “terrorist. “  That seems to be anyone who does not agree with us or whom we think wants us out of the country or wants to kill us as much as we want to kill them.

In the concentration camps people were given numbers that were tattooed on them.   For many years we used the “N” word to refer to African-Americans or the word Dyke to refer to any woman who stood up for women’s  equal rights. (We made use of another prejudice; that against women who loved other women romantically).  In other words the labels help us fulfill the need to discount their common humanness.  


Almost anyone who has been in combat will tell you that it is very tough when one kills someone and then finds photos of a partner and children on the person.  It makes them too much like them.  At some very basic level we “know” that we are all a part of each other.

I thought it very interesting that even former Israeli Intelligence Chiefs have suggested that if we want peace between Israel and Palestine each side has to be willing to drop the labels and meet their brothers and sisters who happen to be Israelis or Palestinians.  Each side has to be willing to let go of their attachment to the need to be right. To be sure each side has suffered a lot and each side is fearful of being annihilated by the other. Each has witnessed such attempts as the holocaust.  (The reader is referred to the documentary film, “The Gatekeepers”).

When we witness such atrocious, cruel behavior as suicide bombs, beheading, rape, waterboarding or other forms of torture it is difficult to trust that the other has a “soul” or a “soft spot” or is one who deserves forgiveness. Yet if we want a more peaceful and just world that is exactly what William Young’s book, The Shack is suggesting; that is what Thich Nhat Hanh, Jesus and other spiritual teachers are suggesting.

In the 12 Step program it is suggested that if we want to heal/grow spiritually/recover we will have to practice the “HOW” of the program- Honesty, Open Mindedness and Willingness. This means that we must be willing to look deep into our own heart and soul and honestly face the parts of ourselves which are attractive and the parts which are unattractive, the part which has socially inappropriate lustful thoughts; the part that thinks the world would be better off if so and so were to die; the part that covets the possessions of one’s neighbor; the part that judges others. This principle is based upon the teaching that if we can honestly see ourselves we will see all of human kind; even the person who rapes and murders that child.

The other day I was at the meeting of a board of a professional, health care organization.  I found myself noticing that the board members seemed very judgmental and righteous.  I asked myself, “how can ‘these people’ represent and lead a group of health care professionals whose commitment is to care for others be so unfeeling and cruel. I heard some of them saying about colleagues who had done something unethical or illegal that they deserved to be punished. They seemed to talk about “these people”  as  bad people very different that the good people on the board.   Then, of course, as I “heard myself” using terms as “these people” and heard myself judging them for being judgmental I knew that the challenge on which I needed to focus was loving the board members as much as I wanted them to love those who were struggling and who may have committed some unethical or illegal action.  I needed to see myself in them; to practice being honest with the part of me which can be judgmental and to face the challenge of accepting and loving the part of me which seems unlovable; the part of me which handles suffering or fear by pointing the finger at others.

I have been working at this a very long time and, yet, I continue to be daily challenged to own and love that part of me which is no different from the character in Mr. Young’s book – the person who rapes and kills the little girl.    At times it seems as if I have not made much progress, but then I notice that I am quicker to acknowledge that I am judgmental of those I perceive to be judgmental.  This is perhaps a small step in my own spiritual journey.

All of we humans at times experience a feeling we may label as anxiety.  Some of us may also experience acute anxiety or even what we may term as panic attacks which we can experience as paralyzing.  We may know the cause of our anxious feelings.  We may be fearful of an academic test, an emotional test, a particular emotional or a physical situation.   At times, especially with panic attacks, we may not be able to identify the cause or etiology of our anxiety or fear.  One minute we are fine and the next we are paralyzed emotionally and physically.  We might even suddenly wake up with a feeling of panic even though there is no obvious cause or reason to be anxious/fearful.    If this happens with any regularity we may go to a physician who them does blood work and possibly other tests in an attempt to identify some possible physical cause.  We will also be questioned about what medications we are taking and any other drugs, including alcohol and caffeine, which we are taking/self-prescribing/administrating.  The physician will also ask us about any life situations which may be resulting in worry or fear.  

If the physician cannot determine the cause, we may be referred for psychological help to a professional counselor or psychiatrist who will explore in more depth the possible cause or reason for our distress and/or to learn techniques for managing the anxiety or panic.  If an alcohol or drug abuse problem is determined to be the issue we may be referred to an addiction counselor, a treatment facility or a 12 Step facility.    If withdrawal from a self-administered drug/alcohol, or a drug interaction is diagnosed one may be referred to the hospital or a facility which specializes in helping people detox or withdraw.    When one is having an allergic reaction then the appropriate medical regimen will be implemented.

If the cause is determined to be psychological, we may feel shameful or embarrassed because we often think of psychological or emotional as something we "should" be able to control.  We may have been taught to think that there is a clear distinction between physical and psychological reasons for an imbalance in our body.  After all, if we have a medical problem we go to a medical doctor and if we have a psychological problem we go to a shrink/doctor/counselor/therapist/counselor.  The fact that the "shrink" is a psychiatrist who has an MD or DO degree and license does not usually diminish the feeling that the problem is in our head and, thus, a problem we caused.

The truth, as scientists are increasingly able to demonstrate, is that all "diseases" and "dis eases" are the result of something physical.  If I experience fear or any other emotion something physical is going on even if the cause is as “simple” as someone pointing a gun at me.  In that case, I "know" that a person threatening to shoot me is a dangerous situation.  The feeling of fear/anxiety is the result of my brain running to my internal file cabinet, retrieving information about guns, pointing and danger, bringing that information back to my conscious mind and then signaling other parts of my body to take a defensive position/stance.  If I then discover that the gun is a toy gun which cannot harm me I will then have to run back to my internal file cabinet, retrieve information about toy guns and send that information to my conscious mind which then sends new instructions to other parts of my body.  This entire process may only take seconds and requires very little conscious thought.

What if, on the other hand, we cannot retrieve any information from our internal file cabinet about the "cause" of or reason for our feeling of anxiety and what is no amount of self talk seems to diminish the discomfort of the feeling?  We may be diagnosed as having an anxiety or panic disorder, prescribed medication, self medicate and/or sent to a "head" doctor!

Often the medications such as zanax, klonopin or some other one seems to be  a miracle cure.  The anxiety or panic may quickly diminish temporarily, but will return.   We can then take another pill and, again, the feeling of anxiety or panic will diminish.   It is a quick, easy solution. Sadly, however, if I continue to take some medications, I will become dependent on them and, in some cases, will build up a tolerance and have to increase the dose. With the increased dose the possibility of having serious side effects will increase.   The physician may then prescribe another medication to deal with the side effects.

Now, if one is only taking the medication for a couple of days or for a week to help one get through a funeral, to deal with one’s fear of flying while going to tend to a seriously ill relative or to take care of  another temporary situation, that is not usually an issue unless, of course, one has a history of addiction.  In that case there may be other, more effective ways to manage one’s fear/anxiety for that brief period.

If one has a chronic anxiety or chronic panic attacks which are not caused by any identifiable medical condition, then the danger of taking medication  - prescribed by a professional or self prescribed – is that every time we label the feeling as a big deal or as something which we cannot tolerate, we train our mind to be anxious about the anxiety or panic. When the mind then signals the body that there is a danger, it becomes tense and sends new messages to the brain.  Then the anxiety gets worse, feels more intolerable and seems to “require” a stronger response.  Then we may take more medication or restrict our activities to a small area which feels safe.   Soon we may find ourselves feeling anxious more and more often.   We now feel as if the anxiety/panic has taken us hostage.

What can one do?  How might counseling/therapy or other treatment help.  

First of all, let me say that the original cause of the changes in the chemistry of our body which produced feels of anxiety or panic may be a chronic condition which cannot be diagnosed and treated.  Just because some cause cannot be diagnosed does not mean that there is not some condition which no amount of counseling is going to eliminate.    Counseling can help with both what I call secondary anxiety (the anxiety about the anxiety or panic) and the anxiety or panic which is connected to an old message in one’s internal file cabinet, i. e. the current stimulus is triggering an old association with some aspect of a memory.  For example, let’s suppose that one got physically thrown by one’s partner against a particular type of coffee table.  Now, every time one sees that sort of coffee table one has an anxiety attack because one’s mind to taking one back to that dangerous situation and that part of the  mind thinks we are currently in danger. We are not.

In the case with the secondary anxiety if one quits labeling the original feeling as something terrible, unbearable, "big discomfort" then one will not keep increasing the anxiety. The goal would be to just notice the anxiety/panic and, as my teacher tells me, to then practice dropping the story line. The story line is “This is terrible.  This is a big deal.  I cannot cope with this. I am going to die. I am fragile.”  The truth is that this feeling is uncomfortable, but I will not die. I am not fragile. I do not need to tense up my body and prepare for a major battle. If I breathe and do not label the feeling it will pass and I will be fine. If I do feel faint I can sit down. If I am driving, I may need to find a safe place to stop the vehicle for a few minutes.
 Basically, I am telling myself that it is safe to relax and to continue on with my life. To be sure the feeling is a nuisance.   If, sometimes with help, I can identify the stimulus which is triggering an old memory or association I can learn to dissociate the stimulus from the old memory or association.   I can, for example, learn that I am no longer in combat and every noise does not indicate danger.  Some noises do indicate danger, but most do not.  I am learn that the former abuser and the coffee table do not always occupy the same space.  I may have to remind myself that “You are now safe. The coffee table did not hurt you. The abuser threw you against an object.  The abuser is no longer present. "One is no longer in a combat zone. It is safe to relax."  

Changing a habit takes a lot of work.  We will not immediately feel better or comfortable. We may never like certain situations but we may learn to tolerate a great many situations which allow one to function at home and in the community at large.

The more we challenge ourselves to systematically practice new thought patterns in situations which formerly resulted in crippling anxiety or panic, the more we will enlarge the world in which we can function.  We can learn to distinguish between the lies of the anxiety and currently dangerous situations.

There is one other cause of anxiety which most often affects we males, but can also affect some females.  When we have emotions that we decide we should not express or should not share and keep them to ourselves our body is going to feel overloaded.  The way that it signals our body is with feelings we often label as anxiety.  For whatever reasons we human are not designed to hold emotions inside without sharing them.  Whether we are sharing them directly by talking to another person(s), by painting, dancing, or playing music does not matter as long as we are identifying the feelings.  If, on the other hand, I am engaging in any activity to avoid the feelings than we are just going to feel worse long term.  If I am running and crying and screaming all those emotions I have been storing then I might feel better, but if I am running to stay busy so that I do not have to feel then my body is going to even more unhappy. 

Feelings such as anxiety are the body’s way of saying something is off balance; my body needs something.   Many of us are used to treating the symptom without identifying and treating the issues.  Sadly, some physicians are much too busy and will only treat the symptoms. It is up to us to make sure that the underlying issue is identified and treated.