Many of us got married both because we felt we wanted to live the rest of our lives with the person we married and because we consciously or unconsciously thought that they were going to fill up that void inside of us and would keep filling it up until “death do us part.” We may also have gotten married wanting to fill up that void that our partner had or the void we projected onto them . The dance might be “I will do many things for you. I will go to work,share my money, run errands for you and do a certain number of chores for you.. In return you will constantly praise me and tell me what a good person I am. You will not leave me alone to spend time with your other friends, to work overtime and pursue a career, to be active as a community member or do anything which leaves you unavailable should I need a charge or reassurance of my worth. It is not enough that you give me what Mort Fertel the author of Marriage Fitness calls love charges every day. You will be my only fuel station. In return I will reward you by doing favors for you”
There are a number red flags in the quote of this partner. If our partner is doing favors for us in terms of daily living chores he or she is not sharing those with us. The statement implies that they are my chores which my partner will “help” me get done. Since the partner is helping with my chores I need to be grateful that he/she is helping. Another red flag is the desire/need to have one all to oneself – to be constantly available to praise.
If one complains that their partner needs to get a life the partner might accuse one of being ungrateful for all that they do. They might say, “After all I do for you. You are so ungrateful. I have no life. I am here just to take care of you.”
It is easy to diagnose the basic problem. Somewhere along the line the needy partner learned that it was the responsibility of others to fill up his/her internal, emotional gas tank. They did not learn that it is their job to learn that they are enough; that none of us has to prove our worth. We are already worthwhile. Unless and until we learn that we are worthwhile without having to prove ourselves we will always be looking to someone or something outside of ourselves to complete us/to make us whole.
As is true with any other problem or condition, if we cannot accurately diagnose or identify the problem, no solution is going to fix us. The problem in this scenario is that the person never leaned that they were enough as they are. As a young child it is necessary to have unconditional love. By age 5 or 6, however, the child should begin to internalize a positive sense of self. By the time the person is an adult ideally they have completely taken over the job of reassuring the inner child that they are enough. Otherwise, no amount of reassurance from other person is even going to be enough. Only the person can do this for themselves.
Yes, we all need love from others. We all need reassurance at times. It feels good to be appreciated. We might even occasionally be very insecure and need a lot of support. For the most part, however, we do not want or need a partner or one other friend who is at our constant beck and call to reassure us. We do not need someone else to prove to us that we are worthwhile.
If one is the emotionally needy partner, one may be confused about why our partner is not grateful. One might say, “How can you be so self centered? After all I do for you, you want more. You want me to be here just in case while you go running off with your friends or pursue your career or vocation. You promised to love and cherish me. You are nothing but a self centered, selfish, ungrateful person.”
Oh my! Hopefully, before one gets married one identifies whether the person one is thinking of marrying can stand on their own and expect to continue to stand on their own but be available to share. If this pattern did not become evident until after we got married, a good therapist might be able to lovingly help the partner accept the “diagnosis” and get treatment to help them re-parent oneself.
If the partner refuses to get help or cannot “hear” from another person what needs to happen for them to be content, then it may be time to admit defeat and ask for a separation. Sometime the partner does not realize how exhausted or unhappy one is until that point. Asking for a separation might, in some case, be just what the doctor ordered. All of us have our blind spots and needs something really drastic to get our attention. That is okay. Do whatever it takes to start the healing process so that a healthy relationship is possible. Whatever one does, it is important to do it with love and not self righteous anger. Please do not allow it to get to that point.
We may also recognize this same pattern in non-romantic friendships. Someone may latch onto us and get jealous if we are not always available or if we are not their “best friend”. If, for example, this friend gets mad if we spend time with another friend or seems to attach oneself with super glue, that may not be a relationship which can be a true, equal friendships. This does not make the person a bad person. They just do not have what they need to capable of being a healthy friend. That is very sad, but we cannot wait until we are angry and worn out before we set limits. There is a good chance that if we set llmits/boundaries the person will end the friendship or at least threaten to end the friendship. One wans to do one’s best to stay loving while not giving in to the blackmail.
One may decide for a variety of possible reason to set aside some time and energy to give to the unhealthy person. It one does this, it is a gift with no expectations of getting anything in return.
Some of our relationships may be clearly healthy or unhealthy. In any friendship with another human we will have to explore setting limits and not trying to give more than we have to give..
Of course, in any friendship there will be times when one person in the relationship is particularly needy. The death of a family member, a divorce, a serious illness or other conditions or factors can leave one temporarily needy. The key is “temporarily”. The person gets better and moves on. The person who is still that very small child wanting to be constantly validated will not normally get better without some intensive help.
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