Loving without expectations

For a long time, I have been thinking about the meaning of love.  Many of us use the word a lot.  Sometimes, we use the term to describe what we feel as parents - that amazing connection which occurs for most of us. Sometimes, we use the term to describe that combination of lust/desire  (Eros) we feel for someone with whom we have or are developing sexual/romantic/lustful feelings.   Sometimes, we use it to describe that enormous sense of gratitude for and closeness with another person who we think of as a non-romantic friend.   We even use the term to describe our relationship with a certain food, a pet, an inanimate object such as an article of clothing, a house, a car, a sunset or something we think is particularly fun, attractive or, in some way adds a lot to our life journey.   We also use other terms,  such as hate,  to refer to people, things and situations. 

There seems to be a paucity of words in the English language to describe that variety of emotions,  although to be fair to the English language, it is not as bereft of subtleties as our use of it would often indicate. The Greek language has four words to make the distinction:  agape (spiritual love), Eros (passionate love), philia (mental love) and storge (affectionate love).

Spiritual teachers and philosophers have often suggested that true love (of all types but especially that between or for people) to be valid or real needs to be unconditional.  It is an action and not a reaction.  It is an acceptance of what is and not what  we want, expect or demand.  Most of us wince at hearing that a parent has disowned a child because of their addiction, their sexual orientation, their religious affiliation or their political affiliation  Some of us have been shocked or greatly disappointed to learn that the forever love of our partner/spouse was conditioned on us earning a certain amount of money, maintaining a youthful appearance, or being physically abled.  I certainly know we parents can fall into the trap of expecting our children to be a professional person or to dress in a certain way. We may inadvertently communicate that our love is dependent on them following our rules. Obviously, often our children do not follow our rules or adopt our beliefs.  My friend, Doug, recently wrote about the fact that his teenage son often explores his gender identification by dressing in different costumes.  Doug and his wife are very supportive of their son's exploration.  Many parents would not be as supportive.   Some of us have been shocked to discover that we have biases and prejudices which we thought we had permanently burned with the trash; prejudices and biases which affect our ability to care about or love another.

As a parent I have had to confront the fact that I had/have  many expectations of my son.  Of course, I am too "enlightened" to say that my love of my son is conditioned on him fulfilling those expectations.  Yet, over the years I have found feelings of resentment, disappointment, and fear regarding my son's choices.   At one time, I thought that as soon as he reached the age of 18,  I would be able to more easily just love him and be supportive or at least not be critical of his choices.  Well, the  truth is I wanted to just be present in love and honor his life journey, but I kept coming up with "concerns" about his lack of health insurance, his money management, or any number of concerns which any loving parent might have.   Right!   Wrong!   Spiritually I knew it was and is his journey.  He has a right and even a moral obligation to take ownership of his life journey.  I, as a parent,  have a "right" and an obligation to  honor his decisions and consequences of his decisions.  If I choose to help him financially or in some other way and he accepts that help that is fine. It certainly has never been my intention to “blackmail” him into having to earn my love by behaving in a way which seems best to me.  Yet, my behavior may have left him with that feeling.

At some point I "knew" that in this brief life journey, I am only responsible for how and when I love.  If I make my love dependent on how another person, company, or the universe responds then I am making choices based upon my expectations of what I will receive as a result of my action. That is not love.  It sounds more like a business contract.  I will give you love if you give me “x”.

Unconditional love/loving for the purpose of loving seems very simple.  All I need to do to enjoy a peaceful life is to just show up with love.  Other people or the universe will do whatever they feel or think that they need to do.  Their decisions have nothing to do with me although they may affect me.  If, for example, someone slugs me because they think (are fearful) that I have romantic or sexual feelings for their spouse/partner my only responsibility is how I choose to respond to their fear.  Being human I might get angry or slug back or I might be in a very spiritual space that moment and respond with love.  No matter how I respond, I want to practice taking responsibility for my decision or reaction and, I want to do that with love for myself as a human.

Well!  Mercy me !  I have been practicing loving without expectations for a very long time and I have been guiding, coaching others in their efforts for a long time.  I "should" be very good at this.  Right?  The truth is that in some ways I am good at this.  As soon as I start to feel a resentment or, in any way, to blame others or the universe for how I am feeling the healthy part of me "knows" better.  My goal is to non-judgmentally just notice what I am feeling or thinking, i.e. "Jim, isn't that interesting.  You are unhappy because so and so (person, universe  God) is not behaving the way you decided that they should."   I do not say "for goodness sake, you should know better by now. I am going to take you to the woodshed".  I just notice. At least that is my goal.

I recently closed my business and moved a 1000 miles to another state where I know few people.  Friends and acquaintances have been enormously kind and supportive.  Yet, at times, I find myself expecting them to have the time and energy to constantly reassure me of their love (I certainly would never say that to them).  I do not want to feel lost or lonely.  Do I expect them to be responsible for what I’m feeling by calling, writing, or visiting when I need nurturing or cheered up?  Surely not!  I am at a stage of my journey when I know more clearly than I ever have ever known that nothing and no one keeps me from being peacefully present.  Yet, I question why someone has not called or written.  After all, I wrote them an hour ago!  

I continue to discover that I am still a work in progress.  I have been given many new opportunities to practice love - love which does not ask for nor expects anything back; love which stands on its own as an action and not a reaction.

Just hours ago, I  rewarded myself with a smoothie in Starbucks. There was a man there who was talking very loudly on his cell phone about his videos, lectures and workshops.  He even mentioned how much he charges while seeming to brag how little he paid for some technical support.  Listening to him I was not thinking, “Oh my. This man must have experienced a lot of pain to feel such a need to prove his importance.”  I was not thinking, “I wonder if he is so loud  because of a hearing problem despite his apparent youth.”  I was thinking unkind, judgmental thoughts. Yet, I quickly “knew” that by judging him I was avoiding that part of me which at times in my life has acted on the basis of my own insecurity. Despite that many people have treated me with love and support. I had no idea of what this man truly felt or what it was like to be him.   I “noticed” all this to myself  as well as the fact that an hour earlier, I had been working on this blog about unconditional love and, yet, I fell into the trap of judging this man which, in fact, was judging that part of me which can be very needy of approval.

As I said, I have made progress in recognizing how difficult it is to love unconditionally but,  I have much left to learn. There is no danger of anyone, least of all me, mistaking me for a Buddha or Christ  or another totally enlightened person.  I am a work in progress.  We all are. The more I am willing to accept that the more I will be able to love.

Opening Our Minds and Our Eyes to Potential 

I have long been intrigued by what painters call negative space which, as I understand it, is the space which is not painted or is not part of the image which is being portrayed.   There are many famous examples of what happens to the image when one focuses on the negative space instead of the intended image.  Then the negative space becomes the positive space and vice versa.     

Jo Ellen Parker, the new president of Carnegie Museums of Pittsburgh says that one of her most prized possession is “The Gift," a four foot-high sculpture of a Buddhist monk holding an empty space between outstretched hands.  “The space he offers – the gift he carries – is pure potential.” explains Ms. Parker (quoted in the Fall 2014 Carnegie Magazine).

Eckhart Tolle talks about the space between words; about the goal of being present to the person or situation without attending to the content of the words.  He calls this space consciousness.

Still others talk about learning to be present to the moment in an open way without the restrictions of labels.   As soon as we label something, a person or a situation, we limit our experience.   I once attended a weekend spiritual retreat with about 30 other people – all males.  None of us had previously met each other. The assignment was to get to know each other without revealing age, education, type of work or career, ethnic background, cultural background, sexual orientation, health status (other than something one could not hide such as loss of limb or being in wheelchair), roles such as father, partner, husband, son or any of the other labels we usually exchange with each other when we first meet. This was quite a challenge and, yet, by the end of the weekend we felt as if many of us had gotten quite well acquainted.

Certainly, I am not suggesting that we could function without any labels.   I am, however, suggesting that if I want to grow spiritually I have to be less dependent on the labels to tell me how to experience a person or a situation.  Often an artist such as the Chilean artist, Sebastian Errazuriz, sees an ordinary object morphing into a completely different object. For example he takes a stuffed duck and creates a flexible lamp.   I suppose one could say that all creative people nurture their ability or their willingness to focus on what is not said, hinted at, or portrayed.   

Whether we are starting over because of a divorce, the loss of a career, a change in our health, or because we need to find a more effective way of functioning, we have to be willing to take what the philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard, calls the leap of faith.  There is an exercise which I sometimes invite others who are "stuck" to try.  I ask them to close their eyes and scribble on a piece of paper until they are done.  Then when they open their eyes, I ask them to quickly outline with a colored crayon whatever lines stand out.  Next, just as quickly I ask them to give the new object a title.  100% of the time the object which stands out is representative of something which is unconsciously going on with the person.   We have to temporarily suspend our defensive judgments and labels and be willing to be open to what we are experiencing.   

The space between the hands is, in my experience, what we have to open to if we are going to find what is possible.  We already know how to limit ourselves, how to run from ourselves or a situation, or how to react in fear.  I wonder what would happen if we spent even five minutes a day being open to the potential in ourselves, another person or a situation; even, for example, the positive potential in someone I have labeled as my enemy.  I am reminded of Mother Theresa suggesting that if we want to see God to look at those we have labeled the unlovable, for example the tough looking, tattooed, man in prison for murdering another, the person who has sexually abused a child, the often hurtful, bumbling, ineffective human that I am.  How is this possible one might ask?   We have to see the potential of what appears to be not there - the negative space.

This morning when I arose I noticed that I had accidentally moved the iPad last evening resulting in it becoming unplugged.  I plugged it back in to charge.   Two hours later it was still only 17% charged.  I had noticed the past week or so that charging the iPad was very slow.  

I did what I so frequently do – actually, several times a day – I petitioned Google to tell me what to do.  Indeed, Google quickly told me that one of the common problems was using the iPhone charger which is not the same as the iPad charger.  Sure enough, I found the iPad charger and in 40 minutes or less, it is forty per cent charged.  

That got me to thinking about how indebted I am to Google.  It is not just that Google can often help me problem solve a plumbing issues, locate the etiology of a word, tell me what might help with getting my printer on a network, or how to prepare some food item, it tells me something very important about humility.    In my mind, humility is a positive term indicating that I need not be more than I am.  As is true for most of we humans there was a time when it seemed as if I was less knowledgeable or less competent or  less of something than most other people.  As was true for many of we males, I was very reluctant when a young man, to ask for directions or any kind of help. I certainly did not want to reveal the depth of my ignorance or ineptness.  

Certainly I “knew” the term humility and what I thought the Christian Church taught about humility.   I heard the term as a another slap. Not  only was I not smart enough or competent enough, I was not humble enough.  I did not hear the term as I would later come to understand it. Now I use the term to think about my shared humanness. Google has been a daily reminder of that fact.   Even at my worst, I was not arrogant enough to think that  some group of people or some person (the almighty google team which is always at work) was working around the clock just to make sure I have constant access to all this information. If an answer or at least a discussion of an issue can be googled then others must have the same question or issue.  In fact, I can safely assume that many other people have the same issue or question.

Despite the fact that I have  been best friends with  all manner of books including reference books, self-help books, do-it-yourself books, and philosophical books since I was a young child, somehow I did not quite learn or accept that I am no better or worse, no smarter or dumber than other humans.  Sure, I have my own particular talents or skills but so does everyone else.    The person or animal who might test very low on the IQ scale often forces me to accept the simplicity of being spiritual. I tend to really complicate  what it means to be spiritual.   On the other hand, I might know or be able to do some things that that person or animal might not be able to do.  We are both equally valuable; both worthy of unconditional love.  We really do not need to compare apples and oranges

So, on this Sunday morning, I am feeling very grateful to Google who continues to challenge me to accept that I am enough.

For those of you who have been following my blog you know that the two most recent blogs have to do with the H and the O of the HOW of the 12-step program.    In the first of this trinity I talked about honesty and in the second,  I talked about my understanding of open mindedness.

Again, in this writing I want to share my thoughts about my understanding of the willingness part of the HOW of the 12-step program.   If you are working a 12-step program with a sponsor,  it is important to ask your sponsor to explain their understanding of willingness.

If one googles willingness of the HOW of the 12-step program, one will find many references to the step six of the program. That step states, ‘We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”  In my mind this could also be stated as the willingness to trust that if I honor the sacred human that I am, I will not need to run from myself; I will not need the shortcuts/the running behavior which keeps me from being the person I was created to me.  What the program is calling defects of character I think of as all the ways I try to avoid the issue of my humanness. As I have previously stated, somewhere along the way, most of we humans decide that we are not enough; that we have to be more than  others  - richer, larger, stronger, more prestigious, or whatever.   Often we know that these methods of trying to prove our worth are not working long term.   We are deeply saddened or frightened when we realize this.  We are very uncomfortable.  Thus , we seek some way of avoiding that discomfort:  alcohol, other drugs, sex, anger, working, trying to be perfect, blaming, focusing on what others do wrong all provide some temporary relief. Many of these behaviors affect others in a negative way. When the 12-step program talks about defects of character it is generally interpreted to refer to that behavior which harms others and, thus, separate us and harms us.  My belief is that any behavior which keeps me from treating myself, others, and the rest of creation with love is harmful and, thus behavior which I want/need to let go of.     It is frightening to let go of what we are used to doing even if we do not like the results of that behavior.  It takes great courage to sit with the discomfort and be willing to forego behavior which gives us some momentary relief or comfort, but which leaves us separated from our true self and the rest of creation.

 I am reminded of a version of the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi which I just reread today.  It is by Timber Hawkeye in his book Buddhist Bootcamp (p. 46).  Take the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi, for example, as I understand it:

“Where there is hatred within, train your mind to sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. Do not seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand;  to be loved as to love; for it’s in giving that we receive; it’s in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is by letting go of the concept of a separate “self” that we are born to eternal life.”

 If the only prayer you even say in your entire life is “thank you” it will be enough.  – Johannes Eckhart

 I think we are designed to strive to live as St. Francis suggests. Any behavior which is contrary to that is what the program is calling a defect of character or we could call it sin or addictive shortcut or avoidance of self.   You see, I believe that we are designed to be loved and as simplistic as that sounds, I think that love heals or cures all. Will it cure cancer?  Not necessarily.  We are not designed to live forever.  Whether we die of cancer or something else does not really matter.  Certainly I am in favor of medication which helps we humans to live more fully for whatever time is possible. On the other hand, I do think that living just to live with no quality of life is a gift.

 All the behavior which has not allowed us to feel connected to what is best within ourselves -  to what is best in others -  is behavior which leaves me feeling defective.   I want to be willing to take the risk of letting go of behavior which is not consistent with who I am designed to be; to be that person who is a spiritual work in progress – far from perfect but willing to risk love as a way of life.   Yes. This will take great courage and a willingness to trust that together we can do our part to create a loving world.

In my previous blog I talked about the H of the HOW of the 12 step program– the honesty.   Today I want to address my understanding of the O of the HOW of the program – the open mindedness.

    In The Big Book Sponsorship Guide it suggests that the sponsor put the following question to the person he/she is sponsoring:  “Open mindedness:  Will you lay aside any prejudices, experience the program and access the results for yourself (yes-no)?”

This is basically the same question which I “hear” Jesus asking the disciples; which my Buddhist teacher guides me to ask; which every philosopher and other teacher I have studied has suggested.  They are all asking whether I have the courage to identify and begin the process of  temporarily suspending all the “truths” I have learned about myself, others and the world.   I know that at an early age, I had already internalized truths based on size, race, gender, age, nationality and many other artificial differences.  I did not learn that I was supposed to question what others were telling me, but some of the time I did question what others were telling me.  Actually, another, less active part of me, wanted to openly question much of what I was being told, particularly about other people. Thus, I know for a fact that by age 5 I had already amassed a host of “labels” which I could apply to people and situations.  At a very young age, I knew that these labels were limited at best and often hurtful at their worst.   Knowing that there was something “wrong” did not stop me from using them on myself or others in a very negative manner.  I “knew” that being attracted to people of the same sex was wrong. I knew that being part Native American was not something I wanted to share.  I knew that when my mother said that “those people were just as good as we were as long as they stayed on their side of the tracks,” that it was very strange that the tracks divided the good people or worthwhile people from the less worthwhile people.

 I learned many “facts/truths” about women; about very specific people, about my own lack of worth; about “those people!”  “Those people” were always “not us.” They were a different color, had more or less money, drank and fell down in public, were not “American. …”  The list was and is endless.  In the midst of this I remember being told that I was to “think for myself” but every time I did, I was told that I was bad or wrong.

 Much later, I found out that others were also filled with fear and anxiety because of the prejudices they had learned about themselves and others.  It made sense to me that we humans would try to find ways to avoid thinking about issues which provoked such anxiety and fear.  I learned to lose myself in books. I also believed that if I got enough education people would begin to love and respect me (at least respect me). Education became my addictive behavior. It was also what I enjoyed and it did not seem to hurt others unless I got so immersed in studying that I ignored the humans’ cries all around me.

 When I began to study philosophy in college, for the first time I was rewarded for questioning all the previously learned “truths.”    I did not, however, question the “truths” I had learned about myself even though my world view did expand.

I did not have a sponsor, but I had wonderful mentors and teachers who constantly challenged me to “lay aside any prejudices, experience the program, and access the results for yourself.”  In my case, the program was not the 12-step program, although I was introduced to it by one of my mentors.  The program was the graduate course which did nothing except question the definition of justice; it was the time I spent with the Tlingit Chief, David, questioning what it meant to be a man; it was the time I spent in therapy questioning how much of myself I was running from; it was the time I spent writing papers as part of the racial justice committee asking how I learned to be racist (not whether I had, but how ….).

 My Buddhist teachers have invited me to just notice, without judging myself, how often I label myself and others and to practice being present without the use of those labels or without justifying the use of those labels.

When I began to more seriously study the 12-step program because I was referring others to it, I was told about the “O” in the HOW of the program.  I would attend meetings in which someone would read something which started that the only requirements for membership was a desire to stop using or to find a new way of life; that they did not care what or how much one had used, who one’s connections were, what color or race or age or gender or sexual orientation one was; just whether one wanted to explore a new way to live.    To me that meant letting go of the ego; letting go of the labels I use to limit myself and others.  

 In my mind, the invitation to be open minded is an invitation to open oneself to exploring another way of taking care of oneself; another way of being present (or just being present).  For me learning is only possible when I have the courage to be open to new ways of looking at myself and the world.   Whether it is the steps of the 12-step program or some other system of beliefs, I have the opportunity and the freedom of just being present as me.    The danger is, of course, that we let go of one set of beliefs only to allow ourselves to be imprisoned by another set of beliefs.   That is why the sponsor suggests that one “access the results for yourself” and not just accept someone’s word.

 In the next blog I will explore my understanding of the third part of this trinity – the W or willingness of the HOW of the 12 step program.