Masks/Costumes
One day this week while meeting with a priest and a friend of mine I was reminded that the masks we humans wear come in all shapes, colors, styles, sizes and designs. Sometimes the mask is one that says, “I am important and belong to this clique and you do not.” Sometimes the mask says, “I am important and have a title. You will call me by my title.” Sometimes the mask is one of possessions that might be clothes, jewelry, houses, cars or other material possessions. That mask says, “I am more successful and, thus smarter and better than you. Sometimes the mask says, “I am more religious or pious or devout than you. God loves me more.”
It is very easy for many of we humans to take these masks and ignore or miss the underlying fear that without the masks a person would not be worthwhile or important, or worthy of admiration and certainly not love. Although we know about our own masks, we frequently think that other people are the masks that they wear. When that happens we seem to get defensive and put on our own mask. That mask may say, “You think I care about you and your importance?” I do not care. I am a better person than you for not having that particular mask.”
Perhaps someone will invent glasses, which see through the masks to the pain and the fear - glasses that leaves everyone emotionally and spiritually naked. (Blind people often “see” more clearly than those who us who are “sighted”.) What then? We will see our pain and fear as reflected in others. One would think that then it would be easy to embrace our neighbor and ourselves. That would seem to be a “natural’ reaction to pain and fear. Yet, if not careful, I could see we humans using this as another reason to cower in shame and disgust and then to project that onto our neighbor. On the other hand perhaps we will set out to destroy the messenger. That seems to be another common response when we ourselves are shameful and/or fearful. It seems we will do anything to avoid seeing the uncomfortable pain and fear. We may also get angry and demand a refund for our masks. Our masks should protect us from others getting close enough to “see” me or me having to “see” beneath the masks of others. After all, starting when we were young, we have been taught to hide that which is “dirty”, uncomfortable or unattractive. Many of us heard our parents say:
· Don’t get dirty.
· Wear nice clothes.
· What will people think if ….?
· You don’t tell other people our business.
· Cover yourself. Nakedness (a little or a lot) is shameful.
· You do not feel that.
In some families we are told:
You did not see what you saw. You imagined it.
If you behaved this would not happen.
Why did you make me yell at you?
Why did you make me hit you?
At the very same time our parents might have said:
I hate lying. Just tell me the truth. I told you about lying.
You are being punished for lying. You could have safely told me
The truth! (We know this is a lie.”)
Our parents might also say:
Think for yourself. You are an individual.
Why did you do that? Why can’t just do as you are told?
The advertisements tell us:
· Do not smell like a human. Smell nice.
· You must have perfect looking teeth.
· Successful people dress a certain way.
· Cool kids or adults look and act this way.
· This is what is pretty and if you do not look like this you are ugly.
· Cool/hip/successful people drink this drink (might be alcohol, unhealthy energy or caffeine drinks)
· If you are a good person, you deserve this big house or this expensive car.
Is it any wonder that we learn to feel shameful about our thoughts, our bodies, where we live, what we drive, how we act, the size of our breast, the size of our penis, or not looking like Mr. or Ms. Universe -muscle wise. Obviously there is nothing that is “right” or “good about us.
Too often even in Church, Mosque or Synagogue we hear about our imperfections, our sins and/or our need to earn God or Allah’s acceptance.
At the very same time many parents tell their children that they deserve only the very best. The best jobs. The best house. The best clothes. The best vacation. The best school.
We learn that we are entitled while also learning that there is nothing acceptable about our families or us. Seldom do we hear that it is important to get to know ourselves and to embrace our strengths while learning to live with our weakness without becoming our weaknesses. Seldom do we learn that costumes are just that – fun costumes. Some of us learn to “dress up” in various costumes as children. It was great fun. Must of us know we were playing a game and that we were not the costume? Mari Gras is fun precisely because one is encouraged to have great fun with costumes. We might even experiment with wearing a costume that lets us try being a more authentic self or just being the opposite of the mask we wear in everyday life.
Many of us have many costumes. This week I was meeting with a client who is used to seeing me in a suit and tie. Wearing a different costume – shorts, sandals and a tee shirt – make it difficult for them to initially know how to relate to me. Sometimes a health care costume can provide some temporary comfort to someone who feels as if he/she is falling apart. On the other hand, when we hide behind our professional costume most people will sense that also. So, except for one day when I was meeting with client and another professional and attending a funeral I have worn a very casual costume. I also, however, have farm costumes, bike costumes, and some just silly costumes. None of these costumes tell you much about me except that I can “pass” in certain social situations. If, for example, I am testifying in court as a professional counselor or as an expert on domestic violence I am going to dress in a way that court officials and, hopefully, the jury will see as serious and professional. Overall, in my new home area in Florida, the costumes are much more casual than they were even in Pittsburgh and Wheeling.
If I am tempted to puff up and confuse myself with my costume, one of my trusted colleagues or friends is sure to lovingly laugh at me. I value friends who are willing to do that. At times I have been in situations where some “accident” reminded me to not take myself so seriously. For example, once I was on a professional visit to a Marine Corps Office in the days when people smoked cigarettes inside. Someone had left a lit cigarette in an ashtray sitting backwards. When I leaved over the desk the lit part of the cigarette touched the crotch of my polyester suit pants melting the entire crotch! So much for taking myself so seriously. At other times when I have wanted to impress someone I have spilled something on my perfectly clean, pressed shirt or pants.
These are always helpful reminders that no one is their costume. I have no idea of what grief; hardship, fear or other pain is hidden behind that costume or large hours or fancy car, or “important” title.
I need reminded of this often. Of course, I would like to say that at this stage of my life I am able to almost always remember to see the sacred person beneath the costume, title or other camouflage. That would be a lie. I am more often able to do that but it is still easy to make assumptions on something, which tells me nothing.
Since I son is now 44, I hope that I am much better at not giving him conflicting messages. I know he is good about thinking for himself. Thank goodness!
One day this week while meeting with a priest and a friend of mine I was reminded that the masks we humans wear come in all shapes, colors, styles, sizes and designs. Sometimes the mask is one that says, “I am important and belong to this clique and you do not.” Sometimes the mask says, “I am important and have a title. You will call me by my title.” Sometimes the mask is one of possessions that might be clothes, jewelry, houses, cars or other material possessions. That mask says, “I am more successful and, thus smarter and better than you. Sometimes the mask says, “I am more religious or pious or devout than you. God loves me more.”
It is very easy for many of we humans to take these masks and ignore or miss the underlying fear that without the masks a person would not be worthwhile or important, or worthy of admiration and certainly not love. Although we know about our own masks, we frequently think that other people are the masks that they wear. When that happens we seem to get defensive and put on our own mask. That mask may say, “You think I care about you and your importance?” I do not care. I am a better person than you for not having that particular mask.”
Perhaps someone will invent glasses, which see through the masks to the pain and the fear - glasses that leaves everyone emotionally and spiritually naked. (Blind people often “see” more clearly than those who us who are “sighted”.) What then? We will see our pain and fear as reflected in others. One would think that then it would be easy to embrace our neighbor and ourselves. That would seem to be a “natural’ reaction to pain and fear. Yet, if not careful, I could see we humans using this as another reason to cower in shame and disgust and then to project that onto our neighbor. On the other hand perhaps we will set out to destroy the messenger. That seems to be another common response when we ourselves are shameful and/or fearful. It seems we will do anything to avoid seeing the uncomfortable pain and fear. We may also get angry and demand a refund for our masks. Our masks should protect us from others getting close enough to “see” me or me having to “see” beneath the masks of others. After all, starting when we were young, we have been taught to hide that which is “dirty”, uncomfortable or unattractive. Many of us heard our parents say:
· Don’t get dirty.
· Wear nice clothes.
· What will people think if ….?
· You don’t tell other people our business.
· Cover yourself. Nakedness (a little or a lot) is shameful.
· You do not feel that.
In some families we are told:
You did not see what you saw. You imagined it.
If you behaved this would not happen.
Why did you make me yell at you?
Why did you make me hit you?
At the very same time our parents might have said:
I hate lying. Just tell me the truth. I told you about lying.
You are being punished for lying. You could have safely told me
The truth! (We know this is a lie.”)
Our parents might also say:
Think for yourself. You are an individual.
Why did you do that? Why can’t just do as you are told?
The advertisements tell us:
· Do not smell like a human. Smell nice.
· You must have perfect looking teeth.
· Successful people dress a certain way.
· Cool kids or adults look and act this way.
· This is what is pretty and if you do not look like this you are ugly.
· Cool/hip/successful people drink this drink (might be alcohol, unhealthy energy or caffeine drinks)
· If you are a good person, you deserve this big house or this expensive car.
Is it any wonder that we learn to feel shameful about our thoughts, our bodies, where we live, what we drive, how we act, the size of our breast, the size of our penis, or not looking like Mr. or Ms. Universe -muscle wise. Obviously there is nothing that is “right” or “good about us.
Too often even in Church, Mosque or Synagogue we hear about our imperfections, our sins and/or our need to earn God or Allah’s acceptance.
At the very same time many parents tell their children that they deserve only the very best. The best jobs. The best house. The best clothes. The best vacation. The best school.
We learn that we are entitled while also learning that there is nothing acceptable about our families or us. Seldom do we hear that it is important to get to know ourselves and to embrace our strengths while learning to live with our weakness without becoming our weaknesses. Seldom do we learn that costumes are just that – fun costumes. Some of us learn to “dress up” in various costumes as children. It was great fun. Must of us know we were playing a game and that we were not the costume? Mari Gras is fun precisely because one is encouraged to have great fun with costumes. We might even experiment with wearing a costume that lets us try being a more authentic self or just being the opposite of the mask we wear in everyday life.
Many of us have many costumes. This week I was meeting with a client who is used to seeing me in a suit and tie. Wearing a different costume – shorts, sandals and a tee shirt – make it difficult for them to initially know how to relate to me. Sometimes a health care costume can provide some temporary comfort to someone who feels as if he/she is falling apart. On the other hand, when we hide behind our professional costume most people will sense that also. So, except for one day when I was meeting with client and another professional and attending a funeral I have worn a very casual costume. I also, however, have farm costumes, bike costumes, and some just silly costumes. None of these costumes tell you much about me except that I can “pass” in certain social situations. If, for example, I am testifying in court as a professional counselor or as an expert on domestic violence I am going to dress in a way that court officials and, hopefully, the jury will see as serious and professional. Overall, in my new home area in Florida, the costumes are much more casual than they were even in Pittsburgh and Wheeling.
If I am tempted to puff up and confuse myself with my costume, one of my trusted colleagues or friends is sure to lovingly laugh at me. I value friends who are willing to do that. At times I have been in situations where some “accident” reminded me to not take myself so seriously. For example, once I was on a professional visit to a Marine Corps Office in the days when people smoked cigarettes inside. Someone had left a lit cigarette in an ashtray sitting backwards. When I leaved over the desk the lit part of the cigarette touched the crotch of my polyester suit pants melting the entire crotch! So much for taking myself so seriously. At other times when I have wanted to impress someone I have spilled something on my perfectly clean, pressed shirt or pants.
These are always helpful reminders that no one is their costume. I have no idea of what grief; hardship, fear or other pain is hidden behind that costume or large hours or fancy car, or “important” title.
I need reminded of this often. Of course, I would like to say that at this stage of my life I am able to almost always remember to see the sacred person beneath the costume, title or other camouflage. That would be a lie. I am more often able to do that but it is still easy to make assumptions on something, which tells me nothing.
Since I son is now 44, I hope that I am much better at not giving him conflicting messages. I know he is good about thinking for himself. Thank goodness!
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