I was thinking the other day about these ways of communicating. There have been those such as the late Robin Williams who could use sarcastic humor to make one think seriously about some important issues. Marc Maron is another who I think does this well. Although her style is different Ellen DeGeneres is another, which oils my brain in a way, which does not feel threatening. It seems to me that, at times, the lines between humor and sarcasm are very thin. Irony refers to an interesting coincidence and, thus, is an observation about two or more events, which play with one another. Perhaps I need to go to Dr. Good word’s Language Blog on AlphaDictionary.com. (why knew that there was such a site?) Here is what Dr. Goodword has to say on this subject.
William Hupy asked me today, “What IS the difference between sarcastic and sardonic? And while we are at it, how do those two relate to being ironic? Are their etymologies related?” It occurred to me that it might be a question on the minds of others. Here is my response.
Sardonic means “disdainful or playfully derisive, especially in facial or verbal expression.”
• Sarcasm implies a derision explicitly intended to hurt or offend someone.
• Sardonicism implies a cynical derision expressed either verbally or facially with no necessary intent to offend or cause emotional distress.
• Irony comes from an amusingly provocative disparity between any two seemingly incompatible things, expressed to amuse rather than to offend.
Sardonic remarks often follow ambiguous statements: “Joe is an unusual wit,” said Fred. “That’s true,” Marge remarked sardonically.” Sarcasm hurts: “Murray’s marriage proposal received a sarcastic, ‘Ask me again if you return from the dead’ from Eloise.” Irony comes from odd coincidences we bump into in life: “I just love the irony of Lois, the daughter of an obstetrician, marrying Ferdie, whose father is a mortician!”
Sardonic comes from Greek sardanios “scornful (smiles or laughter)” from sardane, a Sardinian plant (Sardinian crowfoot, Ranunculus Sardous) which makes you grimace when you eat it. Later Greek authors confused this word with sardonios from Sardo (Sardinia), which in French became sardonique, a term English could not resist usurping. Sarcastic comes from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein “to bite the lips in rage,” a verb based on sarx (sark-s) “flesh”, the same root we see in the flesh-eating sarcophagus. (AlphaDictionary.com/Dr. Goodword)
My primary interest in thinking about these words and the use of them was in terms of communication between friends or partners. It is my experience that often what is intended as sardonic or even humor ends up being received as sarcastic. In fact a partner, friend or even co-worker might seem to mask an angry, sarcastic response as humor or sardonicism. It seem that sarcasm, by definition, is designed and intended to hurt. This is not about sharing how some action or inaction affected one emotionally. It is about hurting the other with no goal of resolution. In this case, it is like a battle between nations or even smaller groups of people. Once one gets past just reacting defensively, one’s goal quickly becomes to hurt or punish, it has nothing to do with resolution.
Thus, if the goal is to have a healthier relationship with a partner, friend who is not a partner, or co-worker sarcasm is not going to achieve that goal. It is more of a “Got you!” cloaked in the innocence of a lamb. “I was just joking. You know I would never do anything to hurt you.” In the meantime one is thinking, “Take that you ….” Of course, being human one might fall into reacting with sarcasm. In that case it would seem best to fess up and tell the person what is really going on. Otherwise, it is like, “Oh I am angry at you but I am not going to share the reason with you. You should know why I am angry,” Oh my!
In one of his skits Robin William compares Jewish humor with Gentile sarcasm. It is very funny – find on You Tube. It is a wonderful example of the influence of culture in communication, which has been at least implicitly agreed on. If the gentiles do it about Jewish folks then it is received as derisive or mean. When Jews, gays, blacks or even we white people laugh at ourselves it can be very cathartic. The argument is sometimes posited that if a cultural group does it within the culture it should be okay for others to do it. That obviously is not the case and is a good example of laugh at rather than laughing with.
It seems to me that the basis of sarcasm or even humor can also be despair. Sometimes I wonder if this were true of Robin Williams. If used to mask despair, the intent may be to push away rather than to hurt. The result, however, may be to hurt. Certainly in a couple or other close relationship it is not going to enhance the relationship. It would, I think, be less damaging to say that I am not ready to share but I will share later than it would be to share without sharing. That is often what sarcasm does. It shares without sharing in a way, which does not enhance communication or lead to any resolution.
Sarcasm can also be masked as humor or one can attempt to communicate hurt through the use of humor. In my experience it almost never works because it comes across as false and not funny at all. It is one thing to say, “Gosh, we were like two chickens pecking at each other when we were so exhausted the other night – peck, peck, peck.” It is likely that the other person will be able to laugh by that time. One has to know one’s friend well enough to know if this is likely to be true. On the other hand, to start acting like a chicken during at the time it is happening is likely to be received as making fun of and will not be welcomed.
To point out ironies can also be fun. In the example, which Dr. Goodword uses, it is just an observation, which is interesting and not intended to hurt or make fun of anyone.
Again, in these musings I am reminded that I am to move closer to being the person I want to me I have to continue to practice to be very honest with myself. Sometimes it is very uncomfortable to admit even to myself that I am angry. My anger my feel and, in fact, may be petty, but it is there and I need to do something with it. Sometimes I just need to rest and it goes away by itself. I know when I am tired or “out of sorts” some action or situation upsets me, which would not upset me some other time. If I can be honest with myself before I communicate it is great. If I do not “catch myself’ until after the fact then I have a second chance to be honest with myself and the other person. If I defend my behavior and deny my angry sarcasm then I am going to have a lot more relationship repairing to do.
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