Moving on’


A 1974-1976 television series entitled “Movin’ On”. Staring Claude Akins and Frank Converse depicted two men in a big rig hauling loads for and otherwise helping folks they meet on the road. 


This week I listened to a Fresh Air interview with Terry Gross  talking with Stephen Colbert.  He talked a lot about loss; the loss of his father and siblings when he was young, the loss of President Biden’s first wife and daughter in 1972 and later the loss of his son.  Mr. Colbert also talked about his personal losses as well as the losses most of us feel related to the pandemic and the loss of a certain innocence related to the false history many of us were taught.


Both Stephen Colbert and President Biden have historically been able following acute losses to find the strength to put one foot in front of the other and have move on to the next stage of their life journey.


Once again, I found myself seeking the key to what allows one person or family to move on and another to become stuck in grief and, thus, unable to move on.  Many of my friends have found the strength and courage to move on. Yet, I have known and know many individuals who get permanently mired in the grief stage and who are unable to move on to the mourning stage. Of course, no one ever completely moves through the mourning stage.  Most of us periodically visit that “what if?” place in our minds.  What if we had found a way to make a marriage work? What if we had been able to find that miracle which allowed our child to live? What if a cure for addiction had been found and all those who have and continue to die of this terrible illness could be resurrected?  What if a loved one had never been on that plane?  What if a loved one had delayed their automobile trip by 5 minutes. What if I had been exactly the parent my son or daughter needed?  What if my brain and mouth had not taken a leave of absence and my job or personal relationship could be restored?


President Biden, I and many others would say, “I just put one foot in front of the other.”  Many, such as Hunter Biden, do get into a recovery program for addiction and go on to lead lives which have deep meaning and purpose.  Many parents who have lost a child continue to experience moments or periods of intense grief but are able most days to put one foot in front of another and even to reach out to comfort others.  Many children are able to forgive their parents of the most egregious “sins” and move on to a loving relationship, albeit one devoid of the innocence of many parent child relationships.   Others are unable to move on.


The question is what might help that person stuck in grief, anger, resentment, unfairness or hopelessness move on from grief to morning.  Platitudes are not comforting and do not work.
Many persons feel unable to put one foot in front of the other and “move on”.  What causes such immobility?  Some possible causes might be:


·       Clinical depression or other mental illness which is not responding to treatment or is
            untreated.


·       Some other neurological condition.


·       Another medical condition such as a thyroid dysfunction or low iron which acutely affects one’s energy level.


·       A spiritual crisis; not being able to imagine a life without a particular person (s); loss of
            faith in a benevolent god.


·       Feeling/believing as if the anger is all that is protecting one.


·       Shame or fear of reaching out for help.


·       Habit of feeding false beliefs.


·       Overthinking rather than acting.


If one has been unable to move on, one first needs a thorough medical exam including extensive blood work.  If a treatable condition is identified, one should begin treatment if at all possible. One may also find that counseling/psychotherapy can then help one identify and change those beliefs which are preventing one from moving on.  Often, just being “heard” by a therapist and, in the process, hearing oneself is helpful.  Shopping for a therapist can be frightening and exhausting. Keep trying.  Enlist the strength of a family member or other friend if available. Each step will take very intentional movement of those leaded feet but one step at a time we can all move forward.


Written April 30, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett


oachpickett.org

Witness , observe or comatose


I have often suggested a healthy person is both an observer and an actor in this life journey.  Observing is, in my opinion, the action of attending in detail to what is happening.  If one is both the observer and the actor one might notice that one is non-judgmentally noticing whether one is acting or reacting; whether one’s behavior is consistent with one’s core values; whether one’s action is a result of giving power to another, whether one has accepted an invitation from another to a negative space.  One of my primary spiritual teachers suggested that if the goal is to grow spiritually - to more consistently act in accordance with one’s core values or spiritual goals - one will not judge an action as good or bad but merely lovingly notice.  I understand this to mean if the action/thought is not one which one wants to repeat one’s energy needs now to be available to being more intentional in the future.   Judging  consumes a lot of energy and, paradoxically, is more likely to result in one repeating an unwanted thought or behavior.


One might observe one’s own behavior, that of another or that of some other animal, plant or event.  An anthropologist or other scientist is usually dispassionately observing and recording what happens.  They are not normally seeking to establish an intimate relationship with what they are observing. That would change what they are observing.


The author/contributor of wikidiff.com suggests to witness an action or event “is to furnish proof of, to show.”  Many of us have frequently been observers, but not witnesses to acts of oppression.   The history of the United States is rife with incidences of, at best, observing, but not witnessing.  Lynching’s, for example, were often treated as a social event.  The fact that the primary history of lynching are the postcards depicting them attests to this fact.  The fact that Jim Crow laws were and are allowed to continue attests to this fact.  The fact that females continue to often earn less than males for the same work attends to this fact. The fact that school funding is all too often local attests to this fact.  The fact health care is considered a benefit one has to earn and not something which all of us deserve attests to this fact.


People of color have historically in the United States born witness to racism - acts of oppression.  The Black Lives Matter movement consists of those determined to bear witness to murder of black males by police as well as other overt acts violence. The rage which erupted and continues to erupt in many places in the United States bears witness to the murder of George Floyd and others; to the attachment of many in these United States to the use of lethal force as if many individuals and communities are disposable.  The more recent insistence that officials in Tulsa, Oklahoma finally acknowledge the massacre of the people of Greenwood and the destruction of the community is an act of attempting to bear witness.  


Poems, music, dance and other creative acts bear witness; furnish proof of how we treat each other and Mother Earth.


Many people in these United States are no longer willing to be passive observers but are committed to bearing witness.   A witness insists on meaningful change.  A witness is present to the pain and the joy of all they observe.   A witness cannot be dispassionate.  One cannot endlessly absorb the pain, joy, confusion, death, hurt or ecstasy of another without passionate eruptions.  Anyone who has participated in “church” in the African American Community; in a native dance; in a wake; in a Greek wedding knows they will experience all the intense emotions which are stored in each of us.   A witness demands one’s attention.


For too many of us are not observers or witnesses.   We do not notice much less bear witness.  We craft a life which blocks out sight, sound, emotional energy and the taste of anything which  might change the channel portraying the world we want to believe is the one and only “real” one. We are then are shocked when it is no longer the winner of all they Oscars. 


Written April 27, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings - April 25, 2021


Since the jury found Derek Chauvin guilty there have been six more fatal shootings by police in the United States.  Some of the those killed were alleged to have weapons.  In all cases, the police had lethal weapons.  Each case may have presented a dangerous and complicated situation.   I am not suggesting that we have given the police easy tasks.   As many have already stated, public safely requires experts in various fields who are trained to diffuse potentially dangerous situations.   We cannot just tell the police to not use lethal force.  We have to provide realistic options.   Some options which have been suggested by community members, elected and appointed officials, include:


            Do not foot chase alleged violators of various laws.  Many foot chases are going
            to result in more violence than the original concern.


            Do not car chase alleged violator of various laws.


            Decriminalize all drugs use. Follow Portugal’s example for drug dealers.
We do not go after pharmaceutical companies with guns although we may pursue them       in a court of law. 


            Change federal laws to regulate gun manufacture.


            Tighten laws about who could own guns not used to hunt for food.


            Behavioral change - teach non-lethal ways to problem solve.


            Religious bodies quit making assumptions that only some lives are worthwhile.
           
            End capital punishment. (Quit asserting that killing is the only viable way to problem
            solve.)


It is way past time to decide in this United States of America that:


            All lives matter.


            People are more important than property. It is never okay to kill to defend property.


            Punishment does not work.   Behavioral change does. If we treat people as less than
            sacred they are not going to trust that they can become a valuable part of the
            community.


Close all jail/prisons.  We may still need some secure places for those who are unable to consider the needs to others.  This is not punishment and are not “snake pit” mental
            illness warehouses.


            Tell the truth to ourselves and others. Do not pretend to care about the rights of others
            while passing new Jim Crow type laws.


            Do the next right thing because it is the next right thing and just because one is
            frightened or otherwise uncomfortable.


            As humans accept that it is okay to be imperfect, fumbling, stumbling, fragile, strong,
            creative, limited, fearful, courageous creatures.


           
All readers could, I am sure, add to this list.  If we truly want to stop violence we must take responsibility for our active or passive roles in supporting verbal, physical, emotional and spiritual violence.   This morning I listened to a new podcast entitled Resistance hosted by Saidu Tejan-Thomas Jr and Courtney Vance. The episode to which I listened was entitled “F... Your Water Fountain.  For the younger viewer who may not have lived with more blatant Jim Crow laws, not that long ago in many places in the United States there were public water fountains, bathrooms, hotels, and other facilities which were designated as “whites only”.    I am old enough to remember these in the area surrounding our nation’s capital. If I went anywhere with a black friend we could and were denied access to basic facilities including public restrooms and restaurants. The clear message was and still often is that some are more worthwhile or deserving of basic human rights.  Every positive change which has occurred has occurred because many have stood up (often non-violentently) and said “F...Your Water Fountain.”    


If this life journey has any meaning or any purpose beyond survival then daily we must, with love, be willing to say at work, in the public realm, and in legislative bodies, F... “Your Water Fountain.”


In the Christian tradition this requires one to say that Grace - God’s unconditional love - applies to all.  It cannot be something we just mouth.  All of us have to be willing to metaphorically say in the walls off church/synagogues/temples, “F...Your Water Fountain.” No matter the form the white only, heterosexual only, republican only, male only, young only, a participant cultural heritage only, Israeli only, Arab only, United Sates only takes we must say with love - not guns - “No more. No More. No more. F... Your Water Fountain.


Written April 25, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org






           

Both and


Us humans often seem to get caught in the attachment to one opinion, one view of reality, or one way of doing something.   This phenomenon is particularly noticeable in the body politic, whether with legislative bodies, church organizations or other institutions.  Of course, most of us have also born witness to this reality in our family of origin and family of choice.


I was reminded of this phenomenon while listening to a journalist on public radio reporting on the history of how we in the United States dealt with the HIV epidemic. In the beginning it was the AIDS epidemic. Many of us spent an inordinate amount of time in the funeral homes or shouting, begging, demanding that someone in a position of authority even utter the word AIDS and epidemic; someone in a position of authority acknowledge that sons and some daughters were dying of what was then euphemistically known as the gay plague. In the midst of this anguish several things happened:


Activists  - many of whom were members of the LGBT community  - began to talk about those living with AIDS versus those dying with AIDS.


            Communities began to organize AIDS tasks forces which helped find access to health
            care, supplies meals and hold hands.  They also began the buddy program which
            assigned a volunteer to help with practical issues including cleaning, grocery shopping
            and tons of loving support.


            The AIDS quilt project started when biological and intentional family members created
            quilt squares to memorialize those who had died of AIDS.   The initial quilt pieces were
            often angry shouts saying  “Notice our brothers and sisters.”  Eventually many mothers
            began to donate quilt pieces denoting many happy memories with symbols of the
            achievements of the child they had lost.


The community often operated as one and, as is often true for any family also fought over what action they should be taking.   Even with the quilt there were those who thought the message needed to be consistently angry and not one of happy memories.


One can hear the same chorus of opinions about the covid pandemic.  “Blame the Chinese. Don’t trust the vaccine.   Take covid seriously.  It kills. Don’t worry, it is no worse than the flue. Lockdown.  Don’t lockdown.  Wear masks.  Don’t wear masks.”


One can observe the same dynamic towards a variety of other issues including:


            Immigrations or refugee?  Criminals or victims?  Givers or takers.


            Mental illness or taking responsibility.  


            My reality vs your reality.


            My religion vs your religion.  Our religion vs their religion.


            Race versus social construct.


            Sexual orientation choice versus accepting who one is.




I am sure all the readers of this blog could add pages of items to this list.
Very often one finds that in any setting we can move to problem solving if we are willing to  acknowledge two or more versions of the truth.  Even with such emotional issues as racism it is easy to get caught in an argument.  A friend of mine says, there is no racism in this community.  It is true that in her world and in her mind there is a no admittance to racist views or other action.  It is equally true that in my world and my mind I cannot go 24 hours without personally witnessing an example of behavior I experience as racist.   Both realities are true.  If one keeps one’s world small enough one may not witness racist attitudes or behavior.  The same is true for a host of other issues.  


Although it is true that none of us can truly walk in the shoes of another, we can invite and accept invitations to walk with another.  The emotions depicted in the AIDS quilt demonstrate this.    The angry quilt panels screamed “notice that people are dying.  Do Something.  We are  worth saving.”  The seemingly happy panels cried, “This was my child who laughed, played, sang, dances, loved, cried and brought joy to our hearts. Please quit erasing his or hyper humaneness because of who he or she loved.”   This was essentially the same message as the angry panels depicted.


We often talk about victims and perpetrators and, yet social science studies consistently validate that most  perpetrators are victims and most victims will go on to perpetrate in some manner.  It is true that some perpetrators  - perhaps even most - are not consciously aware of the relationship between their arrogant righteous anger and their pain.  Those still in active addiction may only know they “must” find ways and means to get more;  to feed the compulsion in their head.  They may not know the source of pain which may have led them to seek numbness or disconnectedness.


Perhaps our modern technology invites us to gingerly step towards a world which is not “either or” but “both and”.


Written April 19, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org






           


           

Sunday Musings – April 18, 2021
Be safe


Daily I talk with individuals who are well into their adult years, but who are still reacting to life events as if they are a helpless child depended on a parent or parent figure who are unable to protect them.  When a stimulus is repeatedly paired with a sound, feeling, sight, object or smell one learns to react to that stimulus in a self-protective manner.   War veterans, those who have lived with a violent spouse, or another emotionally and/or physically violent person have learned to be very self-protective.  Often the stimulus becomes generalized to a wide variety of triggers. 


Additionally, there are those who maintain that all of us carry historical trauma in our bodies. If one lives with current trauma this just adds to what is already stored.  Resmma Menakem discusses this in depth in his book My Grandmother’s Hands.  In this life journey we can experience more trauma which is the direct result of the behavior of others.   Four months into this calendar year in the United States there have been 150 mass shootings in the United States resulting in 148 deaths and 485 total wounded.  This does not include the combat related deaths, those who live with daily domestic violence, addiction, mental illness, racism or a host of other traumatic situations.  Recently I talked with a person whose mother would lock he and his brother in a room all day with just a bucket for a toilet. He learned that home was not safe, adults were not to be trusted and showing vulnerability was not allowed.   He does not know the history of trauma his mother brought to her role as parent.


I have never talked to a black man in this culture, regardless of education, professio who has not experienced being harassed by police and learning the police are to be feared.  I have never talked to a black parent who did not daily worry about the safely of their child.


It is no wonder that so many feel as if they cannot bear the pain of this life journey.  It is a wonder that so many of all races and backgrounds manage, in spite of their history of trauma, to walk tall and proud; to  create safe and loving homes for their families;  to become creative change agents for the community.


The good news is that most of us can create a loving circle of healing people who encourage each other; love each other unconditionally and share resources such as the exercises therapists such as Resmma Menakem recommend.  


We are all the walking wounded but not everyone knows the source of their  wounds,   Many have perfected the art of arrogance, ignorance, numbness, isolation, or angry self-righteousness. Many are attached to these masks under which they hide their pain.  


I saw a video of a police officer harassing and physically threading a black man whom he said did not belong is his neighborhood. Yet,  I also noted I know nothing of the pain and fear which the police officer carries in the cells holding up the well-toned muscles.  The manicured lawns  and well-tended houses in the “nice” neighborhood and his role as a police officer told us nothing of the fear of not being enough which underlies his racism.     Many of us carefully mold our worth on the backs of the myths we feed ourselves. Trauma and fear often lead one to believe that they only have worth if they are better than, stronger that, have more guns than, live in a more polished cage or have perfected the art of superior distain.


I said to the young man who was abused as a child.  “We are adults now.  We can creates our safe healing circles of love and healing.  It is safe to trust until we find a reason to not trust. It is safe to let loved ones see our pain and our joy.  


We can create safe havens regardless of religious beliefs or other constructs which provide a sense of community.  We do not have to keep enslaving each other in the stored traumas. In  safe havens we can be unconditionally loved and cared for.    a Not everyone is going to hurt us.  If one is black one may not be able to find a safe haven on the streets or even in many churches, but one can create new institutions which welcome the god of one’s understanding or no god but the goodness of love and healing.   We can create a dance which releases the pain.  We are adults. We can claim our freedom. We are. We are. We are.

Written April 18, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​

The myth of working class


In some political circles there seems to be a lot of discussion about the vote of “the working class”.  Although part of me has a general idea of what politicians and commentators intend to imply when they use this term, on another level, it is very confusing.    I think what is intended to imply is the group of people who do physical labor for which one may be highly trained and reasonably paid but does not require a college degree.    Working class often have jobs which are directly and quickly affected by changes in overall economic conditions and  environmental concerns. They are often compared to the middle class or upper class who may also work very hard but which are differently affected by general economic factor and environmental concerns.  One of the misnomers regarding the difference in class is that formal education separates them.  The working class is often thought of as less educated.  Another myth might be that they are easily swayed by appeals to patriotism and sticking to their own kind.  The myth is also the are more likely to listen to music which promotes an either or message  and a simple concept of a Christian God. There are many mythical stereotypes of the working man or woman.


In physics work is defined as the energy transferred to or from an object via the application of force along a displacement.  Using this definition whether one is using the force of one’s mind and voice  to teach or persuade someone or the force of one’s body to move an object one is working.  


What then is the purpose of positing a difference between the persons who works in a coal mine, a road project,  plowing a field or presenting a case in a court of law? The purpose seems to ensure that a person align himself or herself with a particular group which then must be in opposition to other socially constructed group.  If various social constructed groups are fighting with each other they will not be focused on the  fact that their interests and needs are the same.  Those with a vested interest in creating this dynamic so they can gain or maintain power will do all they can to feed the socially constructed differences.


What if we agree we all working class?  What if our basic needs and wants are very similar?  What might those wants and needs be?  I suspect, regardless of the type of work we are doing, hunting in the woods or the supermarket; driving a sports car or a pickup; wearing suits, overall, pants, dress or jeans, we share the same basic goals. We all want:


            To be loved and respected by others - spouse, parents, siblings, children
            To be considered worthwhile- to be admired or valued.
To leave a positive legacy.


Sadly we all too often fall victim to the temptation to prove our worth by comparing ourselves with each other;  believing that we have to be more than, better then, or richer than . We may decide we have “the answers” and others are wrong with their answers.   We buy into the social constructs of race, class, age,  looks, nationality, religion or some other. We get fearful and desperately reach out to grab onto such constructs as the working class person vs the non-working class person.  We may decide that we need to prove our worth by having more than which means that we much make sure others have less.   There are a myriad of ways that we fall victim to “us vs them”. 




The use of language is a particularly effective way of convincing many of us to compete with each other rather than joining together as a community.  We will act as a community if we do not allow politicians and others to convince us that our goals are only achievable if we accept the social constructs which are designed to ensure a few others obtain or maintain a power base. We can assist each other in being more conscious of the use of language to create or enforce an us versus them.  We can refuse to fall victim to this attempt.


Written April 14, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Dance


One of the existential questions for all or certainly most of us humans is:  “How do we balance the imperative to do our part to daily contribute to the functioning of this universe(s) with the obvious truth that this life journey is very brief and, in the long run, all our attempts to create rule books which please or displease the god or gods of our understanding do not seem to help very much.     


Many teachers, including Jesus, have suggested that “Unless you change and become as little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”   (Matthew 18:3)   Whatever might this mean?  Obviously, most of us have responsibilities which little children do not have.  We have jobs, home responsibilities, community responsibilities and responsibilities to friends and extended family.  We have bills to pay, laundry to do and a host of other chores which little children do not have. Little children, unless they are immobilized by constant fear, not getting their basic needs met, or have physical or neurological issues, are free to explore their abilities; to touch, smell, taste and physically interact with all they encounter in their world.  They get delighted , frightened, easily hurt, reach for support, cry, and quickly recover most of the time. They are both very dependent and independent which is just fine with them.  They are vulnerable and amazingly resilient.  As far as we can determined they do not have the capacity to endlessly analyze their feelings or thoughts. 


Children grow and age in a culture in which comparison is the norm and where there are many tests to determine if one is worthy; whether one has crossed all the ‘Ts” and dotted all the ‘Is”; or have seriously pondered if one has pleased or displeased the gods. As adults we often learn to avoid exposing our human vulnerability and to label events or experiences as good or bad, desirable or undesirable.  We construct copious books of ethical rules and moral imperatives while, often simultaneously, hiring teachers to practice meditation, yoga and other exercises to relearn how to just be present.


In short we become very serious creatures.  We may then attempt to find activities such as sex, professional advancement, collection of things/stuff, alcohol and other so called street or  recreational drugs, or prescription drugs to temporarily avoid the discomfort of our seriousness.


Then along comes the Buddha Jesus and other teachers who says drops the dualities, just show up and notice. 


As adults we have the capacity to understand and respect the space of others, to procure our own food, even to have some measure of independence while appreciating our interdependence.  We can do all these and related activities without over analyzing.  We can eat, dispose of waste products, make love while also being responsible regarding diseases and pregnancy.  We can refuse to accept the social constructs of race, many aspects of gender, age and so called sexual orientation.  We can play with abandon and still perform adult tasks, all without seriously thinking about them or checking page 93 of the rule book.  We can seek and give comfort when needed.


We do not need an enormous books of rules.  We do need to know our behavior either enhances the functioning of the whole or detracts from it. It behoves us to know that our vehicles can quickly become killing machines or some substances such as lead are not beneficial if mixed with our drinking water.   It is helpful to appreciates how oxygen feeds fires or that fire can bring needed warmth and danger. We are born.  We live a short while.  We return to Mother Earth.


We can read books such as Immanuel Kant’s Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals, the Critique of Reason or Critique of the Power of Pure Reason  and experience them having fun in exploring some life questions and issues or we can drag ourselves through each serious book.


Showing up with love is, I believe, very important. Analyzing whether to show up with love for hours on end does not seem very helpful or fun.


Sharing our grief and mourning is very necessary for good health. Wearing our grief and mourning as a required school uniform is depressing and boring. 


We can dance with abandon; dance with honesty; dance with the pain; and dance with the laughter.


We can dance.


Written April 6, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org