Who is the domestically violent person?
Sadly, I have known many children and adults who are or were victims of domestic violence. They will carry the scars (physical and/or emotional) of that abuse for the rest of their lives. If the violence is directed against a group or the community at large we now often call the behavior domestic terrorism. If we want to reduce domestic violence and domestic terrorism we must understand and treat those who commits acts of violence as sacred human beings who deserve to heal. We, in the United States and other countries, have a long history of labeling those who are violent as criminals and bad people. We then try them in a court of law and, if found guilty, send them to jail or prison. Generally, there has been little concern about what caused them to be violent unless they fit a very narrow legal definition of insanity. Even though many who are violent have an illness called addiction, we have been slow to recognize addiction as an illness who needs treatment.. Although there may be some people who heal in spite of being punished and treated as a bad person, punishment in and of itself never heals. Neither adults or children become wiser, kinder, more respectful people because they are treated as less then. We need to look more carefully at who the abuser is.
What are some of the factors which may contribute to a person becoming abusive?
We, as a community, are conflicted about the use of violence to solve problems:
In short we cannot pretend that we do not understand why many people of all social classes, professions and incomes fall prey to the temptation to use physical and psychological violence. We might like to think that we know where to draw the line but the statistics do not support that assumption.
Our next step will be to ask, “How do we help individuals not cross that line? How do we, as a community, begin to be honest about our conflicting messages about the use of violence?”
Written April 30, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Sadly, I have known many children and adults who are or were victims of domestic violence. They will carry the scars (physical and/or emotional) of that abuse for the rest of their lives. If the violence is directed against a group or the community at large we now often call the behavior domestic terrorism. If we want to reduce domestic violence and domestic terrorism we must understand and treat those who commits acts of violence as sacred human beings who deserve to heal. We, in the United States and other countries, have a long history of labeling those who are violent as criminals and bad people. We then try them in a court of law and, if found guilty, send them to jail or prison. Generally, there has been little concern about what caused them to be violent unless they fit a very narrow legal definition of insanity. Even though many who are violent have an illness called addiction, we have been slow to recognize addiction as an illness who needs treatment.. Although there may be some people who heal in spite of being punished and treated as a bad person, punishment in and of itself never heals. Neither adults or children become wiser, kinder, more respectful people because they are treated as less then. We need to look more carefully at who the abuser is.
What are some of the factors which may contribute to a person becoming abusive?
- Addiction which can drastically affect the ability to be the person to process incoming stimuli and make decisions to respond in a way which is consistent with the rights of others.
- Some other medical condition or illness affecting the ability to act rationally.
- Low self -esteem which a person deals with by attempting to control others or being more powerful than others.
- Low self -esteem which a person deals with by internalizing sexist beliefs, I. e. men are the head of the family; men are superior.
- Sexism which is often taught and becomes a part of one’s core beliefs.
- Low self-esteem blaming others for their failures.
- Neurological inability to be empathetic.
- Fear of vulnerability, of allowing others close, to one’s emotions.
- Shame/fear that others will discover their secret(s).
- Learned behavior that the socially constructed group of which one is a member is superior and, thus, more deserving than others.
- Need to impress other men – 90% of heterosexual male behavior (beginning as pre-teens) is designed to impress other men. Again, fear and low self-esteem play a role.
We, as a community, are conflicted about the use of violence to solve problems:
- Violence against one’s spouse or children is wrong although in some countries and culture it is still legal and/or considered a moral duty. Until fairly recently the rule of thumb rule was either codified into law or used as a commonly accepted practice. That rule said a man could not beat his wife or children with a stick larger than the man’s thumb. There are those who maintain the rule of thumb is a feminist myth in terms of codified law. Regardless the idea that it is a man’s duty to discipline his wife and children is still accepted and practiced by many. Frequently, I hear men wax on about the duties of the wife and the husband using religious beliefs as justification.
- The belief in punishment, including capital punishment, is still a dominant belief in the judicial system in the United States. Many have pointed out that our jails are filled with people whose behavior is a result of mental illness, addiction or is illegal because many in the community are mad at the person being incarcerated. The concept of restorative justice, while more frequently mentioned, is still not widely used . Drug courts can be a step in the right direction. However, the prevailing belief is one should punish behavior that is illegal or displeasing. The approved use of corporal punishment of children is less prevalent in “polite society” but is still supported by many.
- The school system has historically used punishment rather than teaching despite all scientific evidence to the contrary. There is some movement to change that approach.
- Many victims of violence do not feel that justice has been served unless the perpetrator has been severely punished.
- As leaders of countries the use of violence has been soundly justified or defended by many including the leaders of these United Stated. We still have one of the largest defense budgets of any nation.
- The United States is a culture which has used the second amendment of the constitution to justify the sale and ownership of handguns. In recent years the open carry laws have been passed in many states. Hand guns are justified as a defense against violence; the use of violence to stop violence or to stop intruders in one’s home even if the intruder is not armed.
In short we cannot pretend that we do not understand why many people of all social classes, professions and incomes fall prey to the temptation to use physical and psychological violence. We might like to think that we know where to draw the line but the statistics do not support that assumption.
Our next step will be to ask, “How do we help individuals not cross that line? How do we, as a community, begin to be honest about our conflicting messages about the use of violence?”
Written April 30, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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