​Who is the domestically violent person?
 
Sadly, I have known many children and adults who are or were victims of domestic violence.  They will carry the scars (physical and/or emotional) of that abuse for the rest of their lives.  If the violence is directed against  a group or the community at large we now often call the behavior domestic terrorism.   If we want to reduce domestic violence and domestic  terrorism we must understand  and treat those who commits acts of violence as sacred human beings  who deserve to heal.  We, in the United States and other countries, have a long history of labeling those who are violent as criminals and bad people.  We then try them in a court of law and, if found guilty, send them to jail or prison.  Generally, there has been little concern about what caused them to be violent unless they fit a very narrow legal definition of insanity.   Even though many who are violent have an illness called addiction, we have been slow to recognize addiction as an illness who needs treatment..  Although there may be some people who heal in spite of being punished and treated as a bad person, punishment in and of itself never heals.  Neither adults or children become wiser, kinder, more respectful people because they are treated as less then.  We need to look more carefully at who the abuser is.
 
What  are some of the factors which may contribute to a person becoming abusive?

• Addiction which can drastically affect the ability to be the person to process incoming stimuli and make decisions to respond in a way which is consistent with the rights of others.
• Some other medical condition or illness affecting the ability to act rationally.
• Low self -esteem which a person deals with by attempting to control others or being more powerful than others.
• Low self -esteem which a person deals with by internalizing sexist beliefs, I. e. men are the head of the family; men are superior. 
• Sexism which is  often taught and becomes a part of one’s core beliefs.
• Low self-esteem blaming others for their failures.
• Neurological inability to be empathetic.
• Fear of vulnerability, of allowing others close, to one’s emotions.
• Shame/fear that others will discover their secret(s).
• Learned behavior that the socially constructed group of which one is a member is superior and, thus, more deserving than others.
• Need to impress other men – 90% of  heterosexual male behavior (beginning as pre-teens) is designed to impress other men.  Again, fear and low self-esteem play a role.

 
We, as a community, are conflicted about the use of violence to solve problems:
 

• Violence against one’s spouse or children is wrong although in some countries and culture it is still legal and/or considered a moral duty.  Until fairly recently the rule of  thumb rule was either codified into law or used as a commonly accepted practice. That rule said a man could not beat his wife or children with a stick larger than the man’s thumb.    There are those who maintain the rule of thumb is a feminist myth in terms of codified law. Regardless the idea that it is a man’s duty to discipline his wife and children is still accepted and practiced by many.  Frequently, I hear men wax on about the duties of the wife and the husband using religious beliefs as justification.
• The belief in punishment, including capital punishment, is still a dominant belief in the judicial system in the United States. Many have pointed out that our jails are filled with people whose behavior is a result of mental illness, addiction or is illegal because many in the community are mad at the person being incarcerated.   The concept of restorative justice, while more frequently mentioned, is still not widely used . Drug courts can be a step in the right direction.  However, the prevailing belief is  one should punish behavior that is illegal or displeasing. The approved use of corporal punishment of children is less prevalent in “polite society” but is still supported by many.
• The school system has historically used punishment rather than teaching  despite all scientific evidence to the contrary.  There is some movement to change that approach.
• Many victims of violence do not feel that justice has been served unless the perpetrator has been severely punished.
• As leaders of countries the use of violence has been soundly justified or defended by many including the leaders of these United Stated. We still have one of the largest defense budgets of any nation.
• The United States is a culture which has used the second amendment of the constitution to justify the sale and ownership of handguns.  In recent years the open carry laws have been passed in many states. Hand guns are justified as a defense against violence; the use of violence to stop violence or to stop intruders in one’s home even if the intruder is not armed.

 
In short we cannot pretend that we do not understand why many people of all social classes, professions and incomes fall prey to the temptation to use physical and psychological violence.  We might like to think that we know where to draw the line but the statistics do not support that assumption.
 
 Our next step will be to ask, “How do we help individuals not cross that line?   How do we, as a community, begin to be honest about our conflicting messages about the use of violence?”
 
Written April 30, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday Musings – April 28, 2019
 
On this Sunday morning in the Eastern time zone of the United States, one-week post Easter for some and, for others, Easter, I am acutely aware of the commandment of Jesus to love your neighbor as yourself. I am also acutely aware that many of us do not make it easy to forgive and love us.  We may handle the basic lack of ego strength by attempting to bully and criticize others.  Many of the individuals for whom I work are struggling to reclaim a life after living in active addiction for a long time.   As is common knowledge addiction forces one to engage in behavior which deeply violates one’s core values.  Many other factors can leave any of us feeling desperate and compelled to engage in behavior which is unkind or even cruel.
 
While it is easy, if one allows oneself, to imagine being driven to that desperate state, at times it is difficult to respond to the worst moments or behavior of others in a way which honors this commandment of Jesus.   Of course, all of us would love it if others responded to our worst moments with love.  Yet, some of us might decide we are  undeserving and reject the offered love.  While listening to the Ted Radio Hour at the gym this morning I was reminded of the power of secrets – secrets about which we feel  shameful or secrets for which we fear others would shame us if they knew.  When one is convinced one has to hold on to such secrets one often sets up a shield of anger, judgment or false ego.   This takes up a lot of energy and does not accomplish anything positive.   Releasing the secret, especially to one who will not shame one, can free up a lot of energy and allow others to love one. 
 
Frank Warren has an ongoing art project PostSecret.com where he posts some of the secrets shared with him via postcards. Many individuals share their secrets by writing a post card and sending it to him.    He reads them all.  Those secrets which he feels are too dangerous or private to share he puts in a brick like bundle and stores in his basement.  Many people are eager to share their secrets and may not have a therapist, trusted friend, a religious cleric or sponsor with whom to share.   Yet, they share with Frank Warren.
 
The man who reminded us to love our neighbors as ourselves knew no secret was too shameful or too unusual to share.  His love was unconditional. His treatment of others told them that they were worth loving.   In turn they often were the able to release themselves to love themselves and others.  The bully is simply a man or woman with a secret; often a secret of fear that they are not worth loving.  Our job is to quit taking the behavior of others personal and to love them -  secrets and all - as we would like to be loved. This process begins with accepting that we are worth loving ; that our secrets do not define us; that it is safe to share them with the God of our understanding; to share with those who stand in for the God of our understanding – the Frank Warrens.


Written. April 28, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 

​Supporting the person who is in an abusive relationship.
 
Often in my role as counselor/therapist who has  worked for/with those living in an abusive relationship I get the following questions from concerned friends and family members:

• Why won’t the abused person leave abuser? I gave her/him all the information about the local women’s shelter.
• Should I call Child Protective Services?
• What else can I do?

 
Obviously,  if there are non-adult children living in the home then the first consideration is whether they are in danger of being physically harmed.  Witnessing physical and emotional abuse is very harmful long term. Experiencing the emotional abuse of a parents or sibling  is also harmful.  Living in a home which has the potential of physical harm because of threats or use of guns, the presence of a meth amphetamine lavatory or some other activity which poses immediate physical threats requires action.   One does have to be careful, however, because often the partner of the dangerous person will be too frightened on losing their children or too protective of their abusive  partner to validate what the children are saying or what other evidence is present.  Sometimes a family member such as a grandparents will remove and take care of the children.  If there is a local shelter for abused people then they will have someone who can educate about the  legal options or challenges. If the children are the step children of the person being abused or the abuser the other biological parents might or might not be a safer option.    For some very good reasons it is not easy to remove a child from a biological parent(s).  it may also be true that there may be few foster parents or other options available.
 
If there is no immediate danger to children and someone reveals that they are in an abusive relationship my advice is:
 

• Listen with love and not judgement to the  abused person.
• Be patient.
• Make sure the abused person knows how to reach the nearest shelter which is likely to have a bed open.  Often I have asked a staff member or volunteer with the shelter to join a client and myself (with permission of the client of course) during a scheduled appointment.
• Be patient.
• Do not pretend as if it is a simple manner to leave the abusive person.   Practical, financial, emotional and religious factors can affect a person’s decision.
• Do not tell the person what to do.  This may remind the abused person of the person abusing them.
• Be patient.   The average person living in an abusive relationship has to leave 7 times  before they are able to stay away.
• If the person does not talk to a shelter worker or read  information on line remind them to;
  • If being threatened try to stay close to an exit. (One cannot stop the abuse but one may be able to influence the place in the home of the abuse.)
  • If possible hide car key outside where it is readily available.
  • Keep purse/bag with phone,  keys, I.D., credit cards  and money if possible in place where it can be easy to grab if one needs to leave.
  • If abused person has access to car and money tell them to keep gas tank full and have nearest safe place programed into phone or car GPS.
  • Do not wear high heels, tight skirts or any other article of clothing which might make it difficult to move quickly away from the abuser if he/she is near or could be near.
  • If safe keep extra clothes, toiletries, medication and other essentials in car or some other safe place.
  • If they are able , read literature on leaving an abusive relationship. (Do not leave information anyplace the abuser might find it.)
• Be aware that the abuser might have hidden cameras in the guise of a security system or other recording devices inside or surrounding the house.
• Advise the abused person to get rid of guns or ammunition if it can be safely done.
• Listen with patience.
• Never be critical or judgmental of person no matter how often they leave and return to abuser.
• Do research on housing, potential jobs, day care, access to affordable attorneys, and contact information on counselors who are trained in working for/with those who have experienced the trauma of domestic violence (if none available through nearby shelter).
• Remind abused person that abuser is not a bad person but, like all humans, uses whatever tools they know to deal with their fears and corresponding anger; that they cannot change merely by wanting to.  They have to shop for and learn how  to use other tools to deal with emotions and beliefs.
• Be mindful that abused person, even if wealthy, might not have access to any financial resources.
• Do not post any information on social media or leave any info in search history of phone, computer or other devises.

 
Written April 27, 2019
Jimmy F. Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 

​Understanding domestic violence
 
Domestic violence comes in many forms. Clearly the most immediately dangerous is physical – hitting, pushing,  cutting, or physically threatening someone.  Just as dangerous long term is systematically convincing someone that they are useless and/or helpless.  Lenore Walker in her seminal book  entitled The Battered Woman discussed learned helplessness.  If one can convince another person that he or she is unable to take care of themselves and if one withholds all means of doing so – money, car, education, reputation– then one will likely be convinced that one is indeed unable to care for oneself.  Perhaps the most insidious lie of all  is being told by a clergy person or other person with moral or legal authority that one is responsible  for domestic abuse.  Obviously, one cannot make another person be abusive.  One may be difficult to live with because of illness such as addiction, Alzheimer’s or some other condition but that still cannot cause someone to be abusive. In most cases if one is unable to muster up the energy to care for someone in a loving way there are other options. I do realize that sometimes the options are, at best, limited.
 
My purpose today is to address  the abuse of an adult by one’s partner.   The abuse of a child by as custodian or other person with authority presents different options than the abuse of an adult. 
 
There are three major questions about domestic violence which I, as a counselor, often gets asked by others:
 

• Why do adult individuals stay in an abusive relationship?
• Why does a person become abusive?
• How can one help the family where abuse is occurring?

 
Why do  adult individuals stay in abusive relationships?  The answers are as varied as they are for getting married/agreeing to be a couple.  They include:
 

• Love.  The belief that the person one fell in love with is still there.  It matters not that the person may never have been able to be a loving partner.,
• The honeymoon phase – following abuse the abuser promises to change and may try to make up for being abusive by purchasing gifts or being more loving in general.
• Addiction – the person only becomes abusive when they have been drinking or using other drugs.  Partner may know that once the abuser is in recovery abuse frequently stops.
• The abuser has some other medical condition such as Alzheimer’s or a brain tumor. One believes it is immoral to leave a sick person.
• The abuser is controlling all money, car keys, internet access and phone calls.
• Shame- abused person is shameful believing that they caused the abuse; that the abuse says something about them; that they made a mistake in choosing this partner, or the partner will reveal some other secret about them.
• Power – the abuser is a judge, attorney, doctor or other respected member of the community who everyone loves and respects. No one will believe the abused person who may  have the power to obtain custody of the children.
• The abuser occupies a role in the community which confers an equally prestigious role on the abused person.  The abused person may be attached to the role or the belief that they can only help other abused persons if they hold on to that role.
• The abused person is attached to the money and/or status of the abuser.
• The abused person thinks that leaving would make life too good or easy for the abuser.  (The abused person is too angry to leave.)
• The abused person is a respected professional who no one will believe is  trapped in an abusive marriage.
• The abused person believes that they cannot make it on their own and no one would want such damaged goods.
• The abused person believes the lies of the abuser and believes only the abuser can validate their worth or correct those lies.
• Stopping the abuse is a test of one’s faith, ability or worth.
• The abuse has left one too exhausted and/or depressed to take action.

 
Not all abuse is committed by males, but much of the abuse which is immediately physically dangerous is committed by males  Women can, however, be physically and emotionally abusive;  often for many of the same reasons as males are abusive.
Tomorrow  I will briefly address the question of how we can help the person being abused. Following that I will address  helping the abuser heal..  Obviously I have merely stated some of the facts which result in abuse and in people having a difficult time leaving an abusive relationship.  The reader may note that I have not stated or even suggested that either the abused or the abuser are bad people. They are both victims of their own belief systems and/or an illness affecting the functioning of the brain.
 
Written April 26, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

Pride goes before destruction
 
Since one of my graduate degrees is in clinical psychology, I have a license as a professional counselor, am an approved supervisor/trainer and am a certified addiction counselor one might assume that I know something about mental illness;  what it is and what it is not.  Anytime the firing of many neurons in the area of the body commonly referred to as the brain leads me to the hubris of thinking I know what I am talking about I am reminded of Proverbs 16:18  “ Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”  Those who take on the tasks of sponsoring someone who wants to use the 12-step program to heal from active drug addiction or other addictive behavior will find themselves reminding their sponsee “Your best thinking kept you in active addiction.”  Another of echoing the words of the prophet.


In undergraduate school I was introduced to a book which had been published several years prior to my subjecting my mind to the study of the  stimulation of or formation of neurons and their chemical firing. The book was The Myth of Mental Illness by Thomas Szasz.  The author argues that speaking of mental illness involves a logical or conceptual error. One should instead be talking of a lapse in ethical or legal deviation and teaching personal responsibility.  Later I would be introduced by the American Psychiatric Association to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of. Mental Disorder (DSM)  which purported to be the definitive manual of mental illness and in rather lofty terms included such behavior as same sex liaisons as mental disorders which was in line with  laws of the times.   There is now the DSM V which now purports to list the continuum of mental illness although presented a little less arrogantly than the original.
 
Since the coining of the term mental illness scientists have  made great strides in accepting the complexity of the thought process which involves “the orderly synapse of neurons firing in a. sequence and in parallel synchronization forming a coherent way of energy which was released by the interaction of electro-chemical synapses that gives rise to the currents of awareness we feel in our mind.” (neuralmachines.com)  One can should ask the question, Which comes first thoughts or firing of neurons.  The answer is one cannot have one without the other.  Scientists at Stanford remind one that deep brain stimulating devices used to treat medication resistant depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder can change the thinking and thus the behavior of some individuals. (neuralscience.standford.edu)
 
Anne Harrington, professor at Harvard, has written a new book entitled Mind Fixers: Psychiatry’s Troubled. Search for the Biology of Mental Illness.  Gary Greenberg has an excellent review of the book in the April issue of The Atlantic.  Terry Gross also interviewed. Dr. Harrington on a recent podcast of Fresh Air.
 
Dr. Harrington raises more questions than she gives answer.  Among those questions is an age old one of why placebos work.  Some have suggested they work because when the human mind thinks it is taking something or doing something which will help some discomfort the mind begins to send well messages to the rest of the body.  Hence the term remembered wellness.  Yet, this placebo affect does not happen for everyone.
 
We do know that the chemical balance in our body greatly affects how all parts of the body, including the brain, work.  We also know that genetics, nutritional intake, environmental factors, certain medication and “emotional factors” affect the production, distribution and balance of the chemicals or at least this my understanding.   Dr. Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle and many others have suggested and seem to offer proof that if one changes one’s thoughts one can change one’s behavior.  Yet this approach is certainly, at best, not sufficient to relieve the acute distress of everyone.
 
In some respects the distinction between mental and physical is confusing and, in many respects, inaccurate.  Yet, to claim, as did Dr. Szasz, that  mental illness is a myth is not kind or helpful.
 
Not surprisingly, it is the wisdom of the Prophet (who spoke in the language of many religions) that is our best guide for those of us who are research neuroscientists, practitioners, or  companies developing and marketing pharmalogical treatments, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”  We do not yet know what we do not know.
We must tread lightly with open minds and hearts.
 
Written April 25, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett,org
 
 
 
 
 

​It is personal
 
I was listening to a podcast of This American Life while at the gym this morning. The episode to which I was listening was about a politically conservative town which voted for President Trump partly because of his promise to build a wall and keep illegal immigrants out of the country.  To many in the town, including the religious leaders, it seems to be a simple choice of allowing criminal into the country or find a  way to keep them out. For many of the people in this town it seemed axiomatic that breaking the law creates a criminal.  Criminals are undesirable as neighbors, co-workers, co-worshipers, friends, playmates for one’s children and as future leaders in all areas of community life.    One must, after all, provide a safe, moral, community in which to safely raise one’s children.   Who could blame a person(s) for wanting such a community? 
 
Given the above assumptions about truth and morality it is not surprising that a majority of the residents supported President Trump and the goal of ICE to round up and arrest the criminal illegals.  Apparently, they had not imagined that a significant number of their neighbors who worked at the local plant, whose children who were classmates of their children,  and some of those sitting next to them at church or other community events were these “criminal illegals”.
 
It may seem difficult to believe that the local clergy did not know that “the least of these” to whom Jesus referred were those same neighbors and church members.  It may seem difficult to believe that most of the legal citizens did not know  the system of getting and receiving a work permit or becoming a citizen is an incredibly difficult and expensive process for the average person.  It may seem difficult that good people who are at least average intelligence – some of whom had college or even graduate degrees – could not know or even imagine what it was like to not be able to feed one’s family without taking the risk of being an illegal with no rights.   It is difficult to imagine and, yet we humans, are very adept at using labels around which we spin stories without needing to know the real human being who seems to hide beneath that story. 
 
When ICE came and loaded up many neighbors, co-workers who were needed,  mates of their children, worshipers of the same god the residents of this town were forced to confront the truth of their kinship.   Those arrested could no longer be kept in the box of criminals, illegals, drug runners or whatever other labels were used to create the mythical world which makes good political coverage on the evening news.  Suddenly, the labels became real people with whom they had a connection.  Suddenly the labels became persons.
 
In every age and in every place it is not until we sit down to break  bread together, share parent hopes, and share vulnerabilities that we realize all those labels are about real people with whom we have much in. common.  We must break bread together, cry and laugh together, and share parenting hopes and dreams if we are to move beyond the labels of black, white, immigrant, Jew, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, criminal, law abider, Palestinian, Russian, socialist, sexual offender, male, female, gay, transgender, politician, farmer and many others. 
 
The “least of these” are us with broken hearts, loneliness, mental illness, poverty of spirit, food challenged, immigrants, and even those whose live in a gilded cage of the mega mansion or palace.  We are all, at some time in some way, the least of these. It is very personal.
 
Written April 24, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 

Attachments
 
It seems that us humans can easily become attached to person, places, and things. I was thinking about this issue this morning as I was listening to a news report of some of the concerns of the voters in India. Religion and religious symbols are a factor for some people in that nation.  In Great Britain attachments to an earlier way of living or to an openness to change are clashing in many places.  Attachments can be very similar to addiction even resulting in physical symptoms when one is faced with the loss or the possibility the loss of the person, place, situation or object to which one has become attached.  One can also become attached to the need to be right or the need to have others think you are right about some particular issue.
 
Perhaps the most common attachments are to particular people, nations or places.  I know many who have a very strong association with a particular house or community; so strong that they cannot imagine having a good life if something happens to a house or community.  Often natural disasters such as fires, floods, tornadoes, cyclones, and hurricanes suddenly steal a house or even an entire community.  Often folks get attached to rebuilding in a community even if there is a high probability they will face another similar loss in the future. 
 
The most difficult attachment to let go might be the belief that we are meant to outlive our children. When a child dies some parents give up any hope or belief that they can have a meaningful life.  Not only do they grieve the loss of their child they grieve the loss of a belief “in the natural order of this life journey.”  Healing insists that one give up the attachment to not only sharing the life journey of their child but to the belief in the natural order.
 
As a father I have had to own and face many attachments head on.   I begin fatherhood with very clear ideas of what it meant to be a good father.  This included raising our son in an intact, healthy marriage and ensuring that our son had a stable, enriched environment in which to blossom.  Illness, divorce and many other factors intervened and forced me to keep letting go of my attachments.  While I never let go of my attachment to being a good father, I had to let go of my attachment to having even the illusion of control over how his mother parented or even my access to parenting him.
 
I avoided many of the common attachments.  While grateful for being a citizen of the United States I have never felt fierce attachment  to the belief this nation is better than many other nations.  I do not feel an attachment to it being more than the imperfect country than it is. I am never formed an attachment  to a state, a community or a particular living space. I am attached to creating a home.
 
Although I was ordained a Presbyterian minister I was never attached to being a Presbyterian or believing that the Presbyterian church or even the Christian religion is the only possible container for one’s relationship with the God of one’s understanding.
 
I am strongly attached to being the best possible friend.
 
All my friends will attest to the fact that I can get very attached to completing my list of tasks, keeping the house and car clean and my personal hygiene   I am  attached to learning but not to titles or degrees
 
I have struggled to let go of my attachment to lies I learned or was told about my worth and abilities.   Today I have more self-confidence but still need to be intentional about owning my strengths while not denying my weaknesses.
 
All of us who actively work on spiritual growth will continues to have to work at identifying and letting go of attachments until finally we will let go of our attachments to this life journey.
 
Written April 23, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

​Sticks and Stones
 
The phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is first recorded “in 1972 where it is presented as advice in Tappy’s Chicks: and Other Links Between Nature and Human Nature,  by Mrs. George Cupples(Wikipedia)
 
We live in a time which allows people all over the world to hurl words at each across long distance.  In just seconds it is possible for words to travel thousands of miles.  Words used to travel at a much slower pace. Whether or not words hurt us may depend on the power or authority we have given the ones hurtling words. Often parents, teachers, clergy, a partner,  lover, or a boss may be able to imbue their words with tiny daggers which slice through our heart strings.  It may be that one already has a history  with a particular word or a particular authority figure in which case the extent of the damage may be severe.   One may “know” that the word itself or the coating of the lie with  dripping sarcasm, disdainful pity or other nuances of speech can be a trigger to switch on  lies one has formerly internalized but feel powerless to stop the damage.
 
Many of us humans believe that one word or phrase can tell the world all they need to know about ourselves  another human being,  a marriage or  a family.
Some very wise and educated souls are keenly aware that a word which masquerades as a seal box tells us very little about that the history of a person. Seldom does one know what experiences has instilled such fear of the other in the person who speaks in boxes. I joined my wise and educated friends Rich and Meta at their home for Easter dinner   Something moved Rich to share that he believes he does not have the insight or knowledge to judge  the opinion of anyone. He acknowledged that even among those present for dinner were a variety of political, religious and moral opinions.  All are welcome and loved.   In my experience few of us are as accepting and wise as Meta and Rich.  I have never known either of them to use words as judgmental boxes or to refuse to share their table and their home with someone whose experiences led them to form opinions which are different than theirs.
 
For me, as I recently wrote, Easter is a time to celebrate new birth as each of us struggle to choreograph and dance this life journey.  We would do well to be as  circumspect as Rich and Meta in choosing words which can float and, as they land, gently nurture or lovingly challenge, but never hurt.
 
Written April 22, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 

​Resurrection
 
For some whose framework is the Christian religion today is celebrated as Easter- the day when, according to tradition, Christ rises  from the dead.
For others it is a secular holiday which celebrates, in some parts of the world,  the resurrection of the plants which have been dormant much of the winter.  In other parts of the world  the plants are getting ready for their winter rest and meditation.
 
The words resurrection is from the Latin word resurrectionem – a rising from the dead from the past participle stem of Latin resurgere meaning to rise  or appear again.
 
The word Easter has many possible origins or explanations.  It is possibly related to the Anglo-Saxon Goddess Eostre. the mythical  goddess of the sunrise and the spring or the Teutonic goddess of the dawn. The direction of the sunrise is named for her.  Eastre is believed to be an ancient word for spring.   In Jewish tradition Pesach- the Passover – is a celebration of  the day God delivered them out of Egyptian bondage.   There are many other traditions celebrating spring or new life.  Although us humans can be dense at times it seems that we have always been awed and grateful for the cycles of life. Death always brings new life.
 
In many cultures, particularly those in which the majority of the people live close to the earth, there is an acute sense of gratitude  to all forms of life which share their substance.   Whether one is eating a plant food,  the wine of juices, the egg of an animal or fish, or the meat of an animals there is a ritual of giving thanks and a  sharing with Mother Earth or the God(s).  For many of us the connection with the earth and the animals can be very distant as we hunt with shopping carts instead of weapons in the aisles of our local grocery store.  Even the resurrection  reminder of the dough which rises for the second or third time when making bread is unfamiliar to many.
 
The death of loved ones has been somewhat sanitized.  Seldom do I attend a funeral of a person whose body has been prepared by family or others close community member, viewed and buried with a reminder of dust to dust to life to dust.
 
For many of us on this Easter Sunday there is little experience of the daily resurrection which surrounds us and which must take place if we are to provide new life to all we encounter.  I am reminded of the last step of the 12-step program – “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” a  reminder not only the recovering addict but to all of us that resurrection is a daily process.  Daily this human gets off center – loses or gives away parts of himself – and needs to reclaim himself.  Father Greg Boyle when working with men and woman coming out of Los Angeles gangs says that when he meets with someone he is helping to facilitate the person returning himself or herself to themselves even as they help him return himself to himself.
 
This is the resurrection – returning ourselves to ourselves.  This is not only the hope but the promise of Easter – of new life – of new beginnings.
 
Written April 21, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 

​Holy Saturday

As the story goes, after the crucifixion of Jesus,  his followers held a vigil for the forty hours until his resurrection.   The authors of the Apostles’ Creed and the Athanasian Creed refer to this day as the Harrowing of Hell, when  they maintain Christ descended into hell to free all the souls who had died since the beginning of the world and allowed the trapped righteous souls to reach heaven.  Whether or not this is true it is not the story which commands my attention.  Perhaps because I have just spent time with a delightful 9-year-old young man and his dad discussing who we are as men and exploring the question of how we nurture important relationships I am drawn to the story in Mark 15:46-47 in which it is reported a man named  “…Joseph brought some linen cloth, took down the body, wrapped it in the linen and placed it in a tomb cut out of rock. Then he rolled a stone against the entrance of the tomb.  Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joseph saw where he was laid.”
 
Nothing seems to be known about this man named Joseph although there is no shortage of conjecture.  I am not sure it matters. I do know that in many religions there are specific people who are assigned the task of washing and preparing the body for burial.  Most accounts tell us the task is always done with much love and reverence.  In this account of the story it is one lone man, not one of the disciples or apostles, who takes down the body and wraps it in linen before placing it is the tomb.  It is not recorded whether he washed the body as would happen in the Jewish tradition.  The chevra Kadisha, the Jewish burial society, collects the body and respectfully washes and  prepares it for burial. Males prepare males and females prepare females.
 
Sometimes it seems that we males wait until death to express our love and affection for each other.  It seems as if we males expect females to do most or all the direct expression of tenderness and affection for the living – male and females. In many cultures we seem hesitant to express our affection for the living males we love.  In death it is okay.  If, however, we are preforming as a soldier or in some college or professional sports we males are confident enough of our masculinity to express our affection.   We are also okay with showing affection to infants,  but we soon decide that we need a manlier relationship with our sons and other young men.
 
Jesus seems to have  no hesitation in showing affection to other men or to women. In fact, his general demeanor was one of tenderly listening, embracing or otherwise comforting others.  He consistently demonstrated unconditional love and affection. It is not known whether he had any sexual relationships but his day to day relationships were often affectionately nurturing.
 
Perhaps on his Holy Saturday this is one of the lessons to which we males need to attend.  Although we are very sexual beings we can learn to lead with our hearts. We can practice treating each other with the same love and respect that Joseph showed to the dead body of Jesus.  We can cry for and with each other, laugh with each other, caress the wounds of each other and embrace each other with no other agenda; no need to use, abuse, or otherwise treat each other as objects.  If we risk doing that we will, I believe, be obeying the commandment to love one another just as Jesus loved us. It really could be that simple.
 
Written April 20, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org