If only i were as good as the illusion which hides how worthless I feel
Robert Enright in his book Forgiveness is a choice , A Step by Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope reminds the reader that forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving; that holding on to anger and hopelessness for self, a relationship or the community does not improve the emotional, physical or spiritual health of anyone. Sadly us humans are a species who often:
The 12-step program reminds its members: “None of these were sufficient.” and “We always take us with us.” All too often that “us’ is angry, resentful, numb and just plain miserable. Us is miserable to ourselves and to others. When one is holding on to this us one may feel as if one is covered in so much dirt and grime no number of showers with a GI wire brush will be sufficient to cleanse one. Yet, simultaneously one may expect others to see a body covered in diamonds.
If one is sick and tired of being sick and tired; if one is exhausted from carrying around anger and resentment; if one has worn out the self-flagellation leather whip on oneself then it may be time to try on some new “truths”. For example:
At some point in my young adulthood I had an eureka moment. I realized that I could spend a lifetime waiting for certain people to give me the unconditional love I needed to prove I was worthwhile or I could give to others what I wanted. Of course I had known of “the golden rule” since I was a young child, but still I had waited for others to act the way they “should” act before I would release them from my anger and resentment. At the same time I would withhold unconditional love from myself until others gave it to me. My first experiment was treating those with whom I was angry with unconditional love. The second experiment which took a few more years was to treat myself with whom I was angry and resentful with unconditional love. All that dirt and grime began to wash away.
Of course, being the human I am I still have moments of anger and resentment toward others and myself but there is always that loud, internal voice reminding me it is safe, sensible, and “moral” to let go of anger and resentment and replace with unconditional love. This does not ensure that others give unconditional love back but it does give me the internal peace I crave. Internalized anger and resentment are very destructive to self and to others. Indeed “Forgiveness is a choice.” It is also a gift to ourselves as well as others.
Written July 31, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Robert Enright in his book Forgiveness is a choice , A Step by Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope reminds the reader that forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving; that holding on to anger and hopelessness for self, a relationship or the community does not improve the emotional, physical or spiritual health of anyone. Sadly us humans are a species who often:
- Expect others to validate their worth.
- Hide their own insecurity by devising a complicated system for assigning sin/bad/immoral/wrong points to the deeds of others.
- Put on a costume of wealth, power, things, clothes, body augmentations, or toughness to disguise insecurity.
- Hide behind a drug or psychological induced numbness.
The 12-step program reminds its members: “None of these were sufficient.” and “We always take us with us.” All too often that “us’ is angry, resentful, numb and just plain miserable. Us is miserable to ourselves and to others. When one is holding on to this us one may feel as if one is covered in so much dirt and grime no number of showers with a GI wire brush will be sufficient to cleanse one. Yet, simultaneously one may expect others to see a body covered in diamonds.
If one is sick and tired of being sick and tired; if one is exhausted from carrying around anger and resentment; if one has worn out the self-flagellation leather whip on oneself then it may be time to try on some new “truths”. For example:
- All of us humans have much more in common than differences.
- If one wants unconditional love one has to give it.
- One is not more than or less than.
- The deeds of others are not responsible for one’s unhappiness.
- The expectation that the behavior of others determines one happiness or contentment only adds to one’s own misery.
- All humans are equally deserving of love and acceptance.
At some point in my young adulthood I had an eureka moment. I realized that I could spend a lifetime waiting for certain people to give me the unconditional love I needed to prove I was worthwhile or I could give to others what I wanted. Of course I had known of “the golden rule” since I was a young child, but still I had waited for others to act the way they “should” act before I would release them from my anger and resentment. At the same time I would withhold unconditional love from myself until others gave it to me. My first experiment was treating those with whom I was angry with unconditional love. The second experiment which took a few more years was to treat myself with whom I was angry and resentful with unconditional love. All that dirt and grime began to wash away.
Of course, being the human I am I still have moments of anger and resentment toward others and myself but there is always that loud, internal voice reminding me it is safe, sensible, and “moral” to let go of anger and resentment and replace with unconditional love. This does not ensure that others give unconditional love back but it does give me the internal peace I crave. Internalized anger and resentment are very destructive to self and to others. Indeed “Forgiveness is a choice.” It is also a gift to ourselves as well as others.
Written July 31, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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