I was reading a poem by Wendell Berry today entitled, “How to be a Poet” and the lines,
Of the words that come
out of the silence, like prayers
prayed back to the one who prays,
make a poem that does not disturb
the silence from which it came.
I often think of the luxury of a friendship which allows for reading separate books together. The silence between the communication – a look, a word, a thought which creates a felt presence – is often, for me, more powerful than any words one might say to the other. Spiritual teachers, including people such as Eckhart Tolle, talk about the space between words. Artists talk about negative space – the space not filled in with an object. Wikipedia defines negative space as: “Negative space, in art, is the space around and between the subject(s) of an image. Negative space may be most evident when the space around a subject, not the subject itself, forms an interesting or artistically relevant shape, and such space occasionally is used to artistic effect as the "real" subject of an image.”
My experience is often that I am so busy filling in the spaces with thoughts or spoken words that I miss what is really being said or communicated. That is often true when someone else is speaking, I am looking at something and not seeing, smelling something and not noticing the scent or feeling something and not connecting.
My goal, of course, is to be more present. This requires allowing my mind to quit filling in the spaces of sight, sound, smells or sensation.
This does not come easy or naturally to me. It seems much safer to hold on to my illusion that I have experienced the other person, object or sensation and have a nice label for that experience. Yet, I “know” that when I hang on to that illusion I miss the possibility of what might be or what might have been. Pretty soon, if I am not careful, I will be getting anxious if anything disturbs my illusion of control or of “knowing”.
Hanging on to his illusion is not the way to grab hold of the poem; of the possibility of what might be; of what could be. Yet, as long as nothing disturbs my illusion I will slowly dissolve into the nothingness of my safe existence. I will, at some level, not allow myself to know that I am dying inside bit by bit. There is a certain lack of anxiety in this process - an absence of feeling.
If not careful I will not connect the dots. I will not allow myself to know the high price I am paying for ignoring that which is not yet - that which has not been filled in. I will become one of those who is quietly dead but seeming to have the good life – a house with a neatly manicured lawn, a car which is washed every weekend, a partner who looks good but is slipping away from me or a poem which is never heard. I will feel a sense of missing something, but will remind myself to be grateful for this nice, safe, predictable life, which will be the envy of all who look at me. I will hardly notice that I have become this robotic like person who can easily be replaced at work, at home and in the community.
How shall I draw this person who is without negative space; this person who has become a non-person but who still appears to be? I must be careful to fill in all the negative space. I do not want any new “truth” to sneak in. When the storm arrives I will be quickly carried away from the walls, which are not!
Obviously, this does not have to describe my life journey. I have the theoretical choice of not allowing this to happen. Who is that I will allow to penetrate this wall that I have built? Perhaps I will push away all who suggest that I have changed or that I have disappeared and am now merely this shell who might seem to look like the same person albeit a bit older.
I said to my nephew today that all of my close friends tickle my brain and my heart. They love me unconditionally and they challenged me to think outside my safe little box. Often they make me so uncomfortable that I become irritable for a moment. I want their challenge without being made to feel uncomfortable!
Yet, I know that to keep growing I need to be uncomfortable. I need to embrace the anxiety which comes with stretching the protective shell. Only in this negative, uncomfortable, unpredictable space will I grow and thrive. Only there will I access my passion and find the courage to take the next step in moving toward that passion.
Again I am reminded as I experience the discomfort to breathe and just notice my breath. When I hear myself saying that I cannot do this or this is too stressful or someone will not approve or “what if” I will come back to the breath. If I need a point of focus I will count 10 while breathing in, hold for a count of ten and breathe out for a count of ten.
RSS Feed