I believe and “know” that life is very brief and that all that really matters is how well we love others and ourselves in this moment.
Theoretically, knowing that, “should” make it very easy for me to let go of whatever agenda/list of tasks I have set for the day and to give my complete attention to the person who is present or has just called, texted, or emailed me. Of course, if I am driving, I will wait until there is a safe place to stop and respond. Why it is, then, that I sometimes feel so anxious when I choose to attend to a person rather than a task? I have given a lot of thought to what I believe is important and am very clear that most tasks are not that important. Naturally, some tasks such as attending to driving, getting others and myself out of a burning building, or out of incoming traffic are very important. I would also, of course, like, if at all possible, to board the airplane on which I have reservations. Usually in those situations I can complete the tasks and then return a call, text, or email or make plans to be with someone.
I have sitting in front of the computer since I returned from the gym about 7:30. It is now 10:09. My agenda included responding to email, posting today’s blog, and writing the draft of another one. So far, in addition to these few words, I have responded to some unexpected email, talked to someone struggling with addiction, and talked to my good friends who called from Chicago.
I am very happy with the choices I have made this morning. None of the tasks on my morning post-gym list are that important – writing, posting blog, replanting part of garden destroyed by rain and summer heat, and cleaning. There is no “reason” for me to be anxious about making new decisions about how I am going to spend my morning. After all, if today something happened to prevent me from ever again communicating with one of these people I would feel sad for the next 12 life journeys at least!!!
So what is that other voice within me that nags me about completing the list of tasks I had written down for today. That voice is a part of me. The voice, which reminds me of my values, is also a part of me. Then there is another voice, which says, “For heavens sake, Jim, just stop it.”
Last night the very bright, educated clients who are not mentally ill, said to me, “I want to do X. I do not want to do X. I both want to do X and do not want the consequences of doing X. I know what I would tell my daughter.” Mercy! So many different characters and, yet, they are all speaking with the same voice and coming out of the same body.
I could say, “I want to complete the task list. I do not care whether the tasks get done or not. I want to be true to my chosen values. I am confused.”
Who is ‘the I?’ Who is the real/true Jim? Well, Jim is all of these voices and, yet, Jim only has one voice. Jim is the adult person who has carefully and prayerfully adopted a set of values/beliefs which he wants to use as his daily/hourly guide. The voice, which says that your chores/tasks have to get done, is my mother and dad whom I loaded onto a memory stick and keep plugged in. On this memory stick are the parents who did need help with many chores including fetching water from the well, cutting and bringing in wood for the stove on which we cooked and which provided heat in the winter, seeing to the care of the chickens, and maintaining the outhouse to name just a few. Then there is another memory stick of early teachers, which suggested other priorities. There are also memory sticks for the teachings of the very conservative, Christian church I attended as a child. This last one is loaded with all the messages reminding me of what a terrible sinner I am. Some of the memory sticks have all the talks, lectures and readings I did on the thinking of Plato, Aristotle, Kierkegaard, Kaufman, the Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi and other explorers for ethical and moral truths.
If I choose to use the pronoun “I” for all the various voices on these memory sticks, I will feel very anxious because I am not doing what Jim tells me to do. This constant struggle between the various voices causes a lot of internal anxiety. Yikes! A lot!
Doing the next right thing – the task/activity, which Jim the adult has decided is the next right thing – will frequently cause some temporary anxiety. The other voices will compete with ‘Jim,’ which causes some internal stress. I label this stress as anxiety.
Not doing the next right thing will also cause a lot of stress long term.
The question is whether I am willing to be with the short-term discomfort or will opt for the long-term consequences of ignoring the “Jim” voice.
I now can usually laugh at myself when I ‘hear’ this internal struggle. I can also remind myself that any discomfort I feel will pass. Sure, as is true for the woman who wants X (really wants X), there may be some long term sadness over not getting X, but there will also be long term internal peace knowing she did the next right thing.
She and I may need to remind ourselves that we are strong and that we have a clear faith that we are not alone - that friends and our higher power will give us the strength we need to keep doing the next right thing. If we stumble we can just notice and do the next right thing at that moment.
Written September 5, 2015
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