As I stated in the overview, the 12-steps program was originally conceived and written by two men – Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith – as a guide for those wanting to free themselves from the chains of alcohol addiction. I find the 12-steps a useful guide for my own spiritual growth. For me, each step reminds me of what of concrete action I can take to do to achieve what I understand to be spiritual growth.
Today, I want to focus on Step 1 which is:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Although I do not have an issue with alcohol taking over my life, I am daily – sometimes hourly – confronted with the fact that I have no power over people, places, and things which are important to me. This is the most apparent in reference to the people in my life. Whether my concern is my son, my aged mother, some other relative, a friend, a client, or some stranger, I have absolutely no control over what they do or do not do. Oh, I suppose that when my son was an infant it was easier to have some feeling of power over his care. I could feed him, clothe him, and love him as long as I was present and healthy enough to be able to do that. It was not long after we brought this beautiful child home from the hospital that I realized that I was helpless to prevent all of his discomfort or to always protect him from getting hurt. Day by day this wonderful child blossomed into being his own person which I could have easily accepted or be miserable. Unfortunately for us both this lesson/truth did not come easily or quickly for me! Early on, it became clear that he would have his own opinions whether that was regarding his diet, when he was going to sleep, or who could comfort him. Of course, knowing this did not stop me from attempting to hold on to the illusion that I could help him make “the right” choices, keep him out of harms way, or even insure that he did his homework. I recall a time when he was caught in a power struggle with his math teacher. He would do his homework and tell his teacher he had not done it. He would have torn it up just to make sure I did not find it and turn it into the teacher.
Even prior to becoming a parent and before I knew anything about spiritual growth, I had come to terms with the fact that I would never be a tall man (not even average), that my parents would be who they were going to be, and that I would be that overly sensitive child who was bullied at school. I could not control that my parents were poor, that certain family members were perpetually angry with other family members, or that my older sister learned easier than I did.
Still, I held on to some illusions that I had some control. For a time I believed that I had control over whether or not I was a the perfect student, the perfect person who never had a “sinful” thought or never committed a “sinful” deed. I was determined to prove that I could be the person I thought others and God needed and wanted me to me. Of course, daily, I knew that I had failed but that did not stop me from being more determined the next day. I was sure that if I just did whatever those in authority or those to whom I gave authority told me to do. I would be a person deserving of love and respect. Yet, I kept failing or falling short of the impossible standards I had internalized.
Eventually, I began to come to terms with my own humanness and to accept that the God of my understanding already knew that I was human and was, thus, never going to be perfect. I accepted that I was going to make mistakes, although I still held on to the belief that I “should” be able to greatly reduce the number of mistakes which I made. I was still second guessing my behavior and chiding myself for what I did or did not say or do.
Well, that is not entirely true. I decided first to become a minister. I got a masters in divinity, was ordained, and became pastor of a church. I decided I would be this wise, loving person who guided people to be more like Jesus and all-inclusive in their love. Well, so much for that theory. Okay! I decided I would get a masters in clinical psychology and become a therapist who healed people by fixing them. I would simply tell them what they needed to do to be healthy and they would get well and live happily ever after or something like that. Drats! That did not work either. Other people, places, and things kept behaving a certain way no matter what I did. Just yesterday a client called to say that he had relapsed again. After months or years of working with/for him, he is still not working a daily program of recovery. Just this morning someone texted to say that her addicted son has another medical problem and she is so sick and tired of dealing with this young man that she is vomiting again and her husband is belching frequently again (a symptom of his dis –ease). I have obviously failed to help these parents and I have failed to get the young man to work a recovery program even though I daily text him, pray for him, and let the God of my understanding know that He/She is falling down on the job!
I have no control over other people. I cannot even control the bottle of cleaner for my electric stove top. Just this morning I was attempting to squeeze out some of the liquid onto the cleaning sponge and it suddenly erupted to cover the stovetop, the wall, the coffee pot, the cords to the coffee pot and the coffee grinder, etc.. Mercy!
It is raining this morning. I am sure that I had notified the God of my understanding that I planned to replant some of the garden which was destroyed by the excessive rain and later the summer heat. So much for plans. Besides that, the person I had tentatively committed to spending some time with today has not responded to my texts. And then….
One gets the idea. What I do have control over as long as my brain is free from dementia, brain tumors, or other “dis eases” is whether or not I keep bringing myself back to my breath and gently reminding myself that today I can love my son, friends, and clients. I can let go of or work on letting go of any conditions or expectations for that love. I can remind myself that all I have to do is to show up with love for myself and for others. I can accept that this too is a process which I am not going to do perfectly. I can write on step 1 – again and again and again!
Today I am powerless over my feelings, other people, places and things. Today I can focus on my breath, on being grateful, and getting ready to write on step 2 which is: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Oh dear! Sanity?
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