​Quieting the chatter
 
Many of us have very active minds which, at times, can be delightfully creative.   At other times, however, they are either full of negative chatter or fliting from thing to another to another.  At such times it seems as if it is impossible for us to focus enough to accomplish a task or to relax and get some much-needed rest.   There can be many reasons for the chatter including:
 

• Excitement about upcoming events such as a wedding, the beginning of  school, a new job or an upcoming trip.
• Thoughts for a new book, a new piece of music or ideas for other creative projects.
• Worry about upcoming event or potential upcoming event over which we may have no control.
• Wanting to avoid some painful feelings about a past or future event.

 
We may try many techniques to quiet the chatter.  We may, for example:
 

• Talk back to the chatter reminding ourselves of the serenity prayer.
• Feed the chatter by attempting to be logical with it.
• Write down a succinct outline of our thoughts so we do not lose them.
• Try to numb self with excessive exercise, alcohol, other drugs or mindless video games or television.

 
No matter what we try, the chatter often seems to act independently of us.   We may attempt to meditate. The chatter gets worse.  It is as if the chatter is a separate person who has a will of its own.   I am reminded of a saying which one may often hear in 12 step programs, “Do not give up just before the miracle.”    The habit of chatter – of one’s mind taking over to wander around with no positive goal in mind – is like every over habit.   The more one tries to control or change it the more it seems to take over.   My spiritual teacher uses a simple example of having a habit of taking a bath at exactly 10:00 p.m. every night.  If one decides one is not going to take a bath at 10:00 p.m. one night is likely one gets very uncomfortable.  The same is true if one decides to quit caffeine, nicotine or some other habit.  Even though there will be some physiological changes which are uncomfortable most of the discomfort comes from attempting to change a habit.  Habits are associated with time, place, person or object.  If that association is present there is a strong desire to engage in the habit  Not doing so can result in acute discomfort.  It is natural to want to avoid the discomfort.   Yet, if one sits with the discomfort and focuses, for example, on one’s breath (particularly breathing in and out only through one’s nostril) at some point one will notice that the chatter has stopped.   As soon as one’s notices the chatter has stopped one’s focus is back on the chatter and it may start up again.  Just notice the chatter.  Do not engage with it. Return to the focus on the nostril breathing and “do not give up just before the miracle”.  It is that simple.  It is true that the more one has practiced feeding a particular habit – including the habit of chatter – the more discomfort one will experience when one stops feeding it. Yet, if one is patient and has trusts the process, the chatter will stop.
 
Written September 30, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 

Do not feed the dragon

For many of us anticipated change - positive and negative - can result in anxiety which ranges from mild to acute.  Some anxiety is, on the whole, positive.   We are eagerly awaiting a future event and very hopeful that all will go as planned.   Some anxiety is, on the other hand, very negative.   We anticipate all that could possibly go wrong.   We build the worst possible scenarios in our minds.

The irony is, of course:


            Change is inevitable whether we anticipate it or not.
            Control is an illusion

The pre-Socratic philosopher Heraclitus famously said, “You cannot step into the same river twice.”   Obviously the water, and sides, the debris, and the floor or bottom, of the river are in a constant state of flux.  It  might be true there is something which we all agree to call a river.  I live next to what all have agreed to call the Ohio River.  On any given day one can point to it and almost everyone is willing to name it the Ohio River. Unless the water level is particularly high or low it will appear to be the same.  Yet anyone who daily navigates the river will be acutely aware that it is a constantly changing phenomenon which one needs to respect if one wants to be safe,

Daily I make a schedule knowing that it is tentative.  I must be prepared to deal with what commands my attention at any given moment.   I “know” this to be a fact and, yet, for the most part, I act as if I am in control.   I may even schedule time to return phone calls or attend to other matters which are not on the “fixed” schedule.  I know that clients may or may not show; a session with a client may or may not go well; the power may stay on or go off;  or I may suddenly get ill or get a phone call summoning me to the bedside of a loved one or some other “emergency”.  I can trust myself to deal effectively with life on life’s terms. I have a long track record of doing that.  I may have a lot of grief and mourning when a loved one dies, particularly when unexpected.  I may be very sad when my son decides to cut off contact.  I may tell myself I am heart broken when my “forever love” runs off with someone else.  I may get concerned about finances when suddenly I have a large unplanned expense.  I may temporarily feel overwhelmed when the basement floods or a semi side swipes my car causing $5500.00 in damages.   Yet, for 80 years and  some months I have dealt with everything life has thrown at me. 

Clearly, there is no logical “reason” for anxiety over present or future events.  Most of us know or our record will attest to the fact that we are well equipped to handle life events. This may mean asking someone else for help or hiring an expert.

The paradox is that as soon as  I accept that I am powerless - that I have no control - the quicker I can relax and access what I need to deal with life on life’s terms.  In other words, I gain power by accepting my powerlessness. 

Some anxiety is that free floating sort which just appears for no apparent reason at all.  It may arrive as a general declaration one cannot hand life on life’s terms; that one needs to fearful of life in general.   It is important that one still treat it the same as one does anxiety which is triggered by a specific event.  Whether or not there is any evidence that one is in danger one needs to remind oneself that one can and will deal with life on life’s terms. It is safe to take a break and focus on breathing while reminding oneself that the feelings are lying about one’s ability to deal with anything life presents.   On may not want to deal with certain situations but one can do so.   Every time one allows the anxiety to be in charge one is feeding it and guaranteeing that it will be stronger next time.  One must not feed the dragon of anxiety. 

Written September 29, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Random equals justice?​

One of the podcasts to which I frequently listen is Hidden Brain hosted by Shankar Vedanta.    He consistently challenges his listener to think about how our human brain works.  The September 21 podcast is entitled “The Halo Effect:  Why it’s So Difficult to Understand the Past” 
One of the examples he uses in this podcast is of a man who, after having some drinks,  has an accident in which three people are killed.  He is charged with vehicle homicide while driving under the influence, is convicted and sentenced to prison for 15 years.   Shankar asks, what if the man has left the bar a little earlier or later; what if he had been stopped  and charged with driving under the influence prior to having an accident; what if he had not stopped at the bar?  What if he had hit a car other than a Ford Pinto whose gas tank was vulnerable ?  What happened is that he drank, was responsible for an accident and people died.  If he had been stopped for a DUI prior to the accident he would have been viewed as someone who was irresponsible, paid a fine, lost his license for a time and possibly ordered to take a DUI class.  Shankar correctly reminds the listener random events had a large part in the outcome of the case.  Because of the outcome he is convicted as a criminal, is harshly criticized and even demonized by many.    The question, of  course, is what makes this man different than the person who was distracted by texting, something he or she sees off to the right or left, or like this driver was reaching for his cigarettes , is drunk and does not have an accident.   One is labeled a very bad man.  Another may be labeled as stupid, careless or unthinking.  The randomness of the outcome calls into question our system of so-called justice.  I certainly think:
•      The outcome when someone is badly injured or killed is tragic.
•       No one should drive if impaired in any way.
•       We should all be cognizant of the fact that a vehicle is a lethal.
•        All vehicles should have devices which check for potential impairment prior to being able to start and operate a vehicle.
I also think that while I love the convenience of private vehicles, we should seriously consider more mass transportation where the driver and/or the system is regularly checked for safety just as we do with train conductors, pilots, bus drivers and others who operate a public transport.

The randomness of some, if not most events, is seldom taken into account when deciding whether someone is a criminal.  There is, of course, the attempt to establish intent as a measure of the severity of the crime and subsequent punishment.  Even that can be a slippery slope.  If one “intends” to get money for his or her drug addiction, intends to rob someone, but is not in a state of mind to intend or not intend to harm someone should they be more culpable than the person who intends to mislead someone about a piece of merchandise which subsequently injures someone?

Obviously all of us need to do our best to “play the tape through”  - to consider the potential long-term effects of a decision.  On the other hand, one cannot have the hindsight to predict random events which may impact the outcome of one’s decisions.  Random events are just that - random.  Are we routinely punishing people at great financial, emotional and spiritual expense for the outcomes determined by random events which one could not predict?

How should we,  as a community, respond when one or a series of decisions results in harm to a person, persons or object. Sometimes a person is stopped for a DUI ten or more times.  Eventually he or she’s is likely to have an accident and kill or badly injure others.  Taking their license away may or may not deter them from future driving.  Is their behavior the result of addiction to alcohol or other drugs? Are they mentally incapable of making future decisions about driving based on a shared reality or probability? 

Often, in the past, I have made decisions based on probability.  On a long trip, knowing I was getting tired, I have elected to keep driving until I reached a convenient location to rest or until I got through city traffic or until ....  As a very young man I recall waking up seconds before I crashed into the back of a semi.  The decision to keep driving was potentially lethal for myself and others.  That was a stupid, irresponsible, unthinking decision. 

In future blogs I will continue to ponder the concept of justice and the role of fate or randomness in how we design and implement our current judicial system.

Written September 28, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday Musings - September 27, 2020


For what shall we pray today?

Today it would be easy to focus on the attempt of representatives of both political parties to “slay the dragon” as they demonize each other’s views and proposed policies.  It would be easy to fall into the trap of doom and gloom.   Certainly there are serious concerns about how we treat each other in local communities, on the state level and on the national level.  There are also concerns about Mother Nature and the extent to which climate change caused by humans is responsible for some of the acute changes in the climate.  Certainly no one can disagree that we have had less than a respectful relationship with the environment. We continue to act as if the ecosystem will function regardless of how often we invade and overtake the habitat of other species of beings and of vegetation.  

It confuses me when others talk about the “natural” order as if humans had not long ago abandoned the notion that Mother Nature should be in left in charge.   Genetic engineering of crops, the killing of certain insects, the destruction of wetlands, the creation and use of medicine and other medical procedures, the use of certain fossil fuels for vehicles and manufacturing plants, the creation of myriad tons of non-bio- degradable materials, bombs and a host of other “inventions” have all had a profound effect on the so-called natural order.

Yet, I talk to many good people who remain convinced that we need to maintain the “natural order”; we need guns to kill people, cruel prisons,  to resolve not to terminate a pregnancy even when there has been a rape, and reserve sex solely for procreation no matter what science says about how many children would be wise. Those same people often act as if natural selection decides who will have access to health care and to vacant building which could house the homeless; who deserves to go to college or learn a trade; who deserves a safe home; which diseases deserve to be treated and which deserve punishment.

Obviously, there is no such thing as returning to “natural order” whatever that was.  We have made far too many changes to even consider that option.   When I lived and worked in Alaska many families would live in remote places off the grid but they still wanted access to material to home school children, to certain material provisions, and to fast boats and planes to take family members to medical care by people who were not living off the grid.   This is not a criticism but merely an observation about the fact that it is impossible to return to the “natural order”. 

Often it seems what is expedient for the political process, for a limited group of individuals or for religious institutions is to propagate the myth that a return to the natural order is possible.   Too often, it seems as if the real agenda is not to return to a natural order, but to promote and maintain the power positions of certain institutions and groups. 

Today I will not pray to return to the “natural order” but for the awareness that every decision I make affects the working of the whole.  Today I will pray for the courage to be more honest with myself about my motives for every action. Today I will pray to see with clearer eyes and hear with a more open mind.  Today I will pray that I can let go of my attachments to my privileged position.  Today I will pray that I can use my privilege and gifts to help restore a new balance to the earth. 


Written September 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Mum’s the word
I am sitting at the table on my covered porch on a beautiful fall day in Wheeling, WV.  Directly in front of me reposing in the center of the table is a perfectly shaped light purple (or is it deep rose) chrysanthemum.  I have no idea how it got so perfectly shaped into a round ball.  The ones I grow do not approach this perfection.    Wikipedia tells me that chrysanthemum “are flowering plants of the genus Chrysanthemum in the family Asteraceae.  They are native to East Asia’s and northeastern Europe.  Most specIes originate  from East Asia and center of diversity is in China.”   I wonder if the plants carry generational history as do us humans.  If so, what tales could this chrysanthemum sitting on my table in Wheeling, WV tell.  I think about the fact generations of these plants have grown in soil which contained the dust and, thus, the energy of wise ancestral elders.  What is it that they want to teach?

The one sitting on my table have blossoms which seem to be 1/2” to 3/4”.  Not only is the plant nearly perfectly rounded but there are hundreds of blossoms coming of age at the same time.  Fortunately the blossoms have no need of social distance and are keeping each other close company on this fall morning in air which is cool enough to lightly tickles one.

The blossoms make no sounds or at least none I am capable of hearing.  Yet, i know that all living matter have their own communication system.  We know, for example, trees and the surrounding neighbors communicate and make adjustment to stay in balance with each other.
Does this mum sitting in a pot on my table have anything to say to other potted plants on this porch or to the nearly lilacs, forsythia, heather, and various herbs?    What might they say to the Lenten roses

How do the blossoms feel about the emissions from the many vehicles on the nearby  highway?  Are they angry or sad about the mean spirited political words which various ones are hurling at each other? 

The air is rife with fear of the opinions of others; of the fear of some that this nation is not immune from extinction; of the fear there are too many children being born; of the fear there are too few children being born; of the fear that there are too many guns; of the fear that someone night make it more difficult to kill each other; of the fear that we have to share resources more equally with each other; of the fear that good people will not have a private bath for each bathroom; of the fear that one will not know one’s worth if one cannot be more than, better than, richer than, more powerful than, more righteous than or ...?

It is good us humans are so evolved - so superior to the lowly Chrysanthemum - that we do not  need to consider such issues as balancing the needs of all matter.  It is good that us many of us humans hold the homeless in distain, are committed to owning land, private vehicles and stuff so plentiful that we need storage sheds.  It is good that we have little pyramids known as caskets which prevent us, even in death, of sharing our dust.

What might the Chrysanthemum say if I had the courage to listen?  What if even covid-19 could not keep stop school from being in session right here on the porch sitting at the table which belonged to my friend Mary?  What if Mary chimes in?  What might she say years after her human death?

Mum’s the word?

Written September 26, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org












 

Touching the soul
 
My father playing a polka accordion,  my cousin playing and singing country music, my son’s mother playing the piano while singing, private symphony performances in some of the homes  of Washington, D.C.,  free concerts at the National Gallery of Art, the magic of dating an opera singer and her friends in NYC, the musical caress of an male opera singer in Pittsburgh, the rich, passionate voices of the members of the church choir whose pain and hope combined to grab and sometimes pierce one’s heart and soul.
 
Jazz, Blues, folk, classical, operatic, disco/dance, the beat of a drum, the heart wrenching sounds of taps, the songs of the birds or the evening crickets all touch a deep part of me and, I suspect, all of us.   No matter the spoken or written language of the composer no translator is needed.
 
It is not surprising that even in the death camps while waiting for their turn for the gas chamber which would end this life journey the prisoners found a way to make music.  The body of work known as the holocaust music is a tribute to the need to share the depts of our connection with all that is.
 
When I am struggling with powerlessness, with grief that threatens to crack open my heart, or with joy which aches to cover the entire universe, only notes of music can sprout wings and carry the depth of the emotions.
 
We all have a song to share;  No matter that we may sing a bit off key or possess little talent for playing a musical instrument, it is necessary that we find a way to share our song. 
 
As little children we are not fearful of sharing our song. We know it is ours.   As adults we much garner the courage.
 
Written September 24, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 

​Bigga deal
 
My friend “J” often experienced the start of the fall semester at the school where he was a beloved art teacher as the occasion for acute anxiety – a paralyzing fear at times.    Another friend is in the process of  attempting to let go of a behavior which only brings him acute anxiety and feeling bad about himself.   He is very serious about letting go of the anxiety which results in more anxiety.
 
“J” learned to say to the anxiety “bigga deal” and laugh.   This did not immediately dispel the fear, but it was a step in remembering that every year he survived the opening and had a fantastic year.   “J” was well aware that using such techniques as color, depth, perspective and light one could birth a new reality to potentially challenge the soul of the viewer.  He gave these gifts to many over the years.   Yet, the anxiety/fear continued to try  to convince him  he might not  be an effective teacher.  No amount of experience to the contrary entirely kept this feeling at bay.   Yet, he learned he  could stand up to it, laugh and say “bigga deal”.
 
We frequently encounter  the painful reminder of the reality of mother nature and  of us humans toward ourselves and one another.  We often go to great lengths to avoid dealing with this reality.   We may decide if we stay numbed out with alcohol, other drugs, sex, power, degrees, possessions or food that we can avoid this reality.  Yet, nothing we do works for more than a short time,  If lucky, some eventually  accept that “one is too many and a thousand is not enough and learn to laugh at the fears and say: “Bigga deal.  Bring it on.  I can face  life on life’s terms.” 
 
Preparing for the new year of teaching, gathering all we need to complete a major project, getting through college or other training, facing the death of a loved one – even a child -  accepting that a marriage is over and it is time to move on, facing the emotional and economic fallout of covid-19 reminds us that “the best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men Gang aft a-gley (often go awry) (Robert Burns – “To a Mouse”)  No matter what,  life shows up and we either face it head on with a sense of humor or we live with  constant agony
 
 In ancient Greece the word humors referred to the belief in the balance or imbalance of the four fluids  in one’s  body which dictated one’s temperament and overall health.  Most of us use the word humor today to refer to a potential response to one’s nervousness or an attempt to rebalance ourselves or a situation.    Those of us who take the arrival of life on life’s terms too seriously are likely to experience an imbalance in our bodies which could lead to serious medical issues and a sour temperament.  Humor can be a method of restoring balance in our life dance.   If one has a sense of humor one does not use it to avoid dealing with life on life’s terns , bur to get enough distance  to problem solve. 
 
We often experience this life dance very seriously and may become Immobilized as a result.  If we laugh at our own seriousness  we can begin to accept ourselves and life on life’s terms.
 
One does not want to confuse the use of humor with the action of belittling or making fun of someone .   Laughing at someone is never helpful.  Laughing with someone or ourselves can be a very healthy and healing act to restore balance (humors).
 
Thanks “J” for the reminder
 
Written September 22, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett, LPC, AADC
 



 

Making magic

A friend emailed me yesterday saying that  other than house chores he and his wife would enjoy spending time with their infant son. They are delighted to be parents and I am sure their son is delighted with them.   Seth Godwin’s recent blog stated that instead of saying “It’s time to get back to work...we’d be better off saying, ‘I need to get back to making magic.’ Because that’s what we’d actually like to be getting paid to create.” My friend Becky emailed me “I have been using the phrase ‘making magic happen” with the members of the organization of which I am president.

Oxford dictionary defines magic as a noun meaning “The power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces...”

A friend of mine who has a Phd  spoke at an NA meeting the other evening about how his life has been transformed from one controlled by the addictive/compulsive use of certain drugs which led to jail, loss of children and loss of self to one of helping others, to being on the road to regaining parental rights and the repair of his relationship with his partner. Another friend just celebrated 49 years in recovery from active addiction.

When my friend Becky uses the word magic she is referring to making the seemingly impossible happen; thinking outside the box; imagining a dream and making it manifest reality.  Whether it is deciding how the organization of which she is president can provide practical help to the teachers and students in her area, creating in her kitchen, or infusing a friendship with hope and possibilities which might have seemed impossible she works magic.  Her positive presence is like a zephyr covering miles.  Often it seems she lives the line from the Robert Frost poem Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening “And miles to go before I sleep.”

I believe that we have the power to make magic happen in all our relationships with people, places or things.   With regards to people this may mean letting go of one’s attachment to the outcome.    Perhaps a relationship needs some breathing room; a hand up or the humility to acknowledge a shared humanness. Perhaps it needs accountability or silence.  Perhaps it needs a listening ear.   Perhaps less is more when creating something in the kitchen, designing a house, running a political campaign, or being the channel for a new symphony.  Perhaps magic is as simple as letting someone who is struggling know that you are thinking of them. Perhaps magic is creating a quilt full of memories, deciding that violence is not an option, resolving that instead of destroying a homeless camp the community provides decent tents and even utilities. Perhaps magic happens when a community decides to see what happens if all people have a guaranteed income.   Perhaps magic happens when a politician decides to listen instead of verbally attempting to dehumanise one’s opponent.

One might ask where magic comes from. One may wonder if indeed it is a supernatural force taking control.  I personally think magic happens when I reclaim the belief that I merely have to reach for the stars; that I only have to catch what comes my way.   It does seem as if  the creative muse visits when I “get out of the way”; when I let go of all my expectations or preconceived idea of what should happen.    Often, when writing, I just start with whatever words arrive. Eventually a coherent sentence appears.   If I want to draw I begin with doodles.   Magic happens when I allow myself to be open to the unimaginable.  This is why magic seems supernatural.   It is closing one’s eyes and grabbing the invisible stardust, slowly kneading it and letting it cover the earth.   Who says that color cannot visit another color?  Who says that a note cannot stand alone or visit an entire chord? Who says that telephones are not possible; that the horseless carriage cannot exist; that a positive political campaign is not possible?

One cannot envision magic because it is magic.

Rather than attempting to dream the impossible dream we could allow the dream to visit.  Then we will experience magic.

Written September 21, 2010
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Sunday Musings - September 20, 2020
 
Foremost on my mind this Sunday morning is the death of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Supreme Court Justice of the United States, a vocal advocate for the rights of women as well as all others, a woman who had first hand experience of being treated as less then because she was a female; a basically shy person who did not hesitate to use her voice and her pen to defend her understanding of the constitution of the United States.  Although her personal experience led to her becoming an expert in the discrimination of females,  she was a jurist who was trusted by all whose voice many would silence.
 
Her death has left me not only intensely sad, but curious about how we can imbue those who feel disenfranchised and those who are privileged with both the chutzpah and humility to echo the spirit of the Ruth Bader Ginsbergs and the Sonia Sotomayors who believe the Declaration of Independence and the 14th Amendment to the Constitution of these United States are the common commitment and law of these United States of America.  How can we convince all citizens that it is in their best interest to consider the best interests of all the citizens and all those seeking refuge; that basic physics axiomatically establishes that every action (and thus every inaction) affects the entire universe; that there is no real freedom or safely for anyone unless it is guaranteed for all?
 
How do we imbue the spirit of Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm Boyd, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Bigger Thomas (chief characters in Richard Wright’s Native Son) into the hearts and minds of all our children?  Children are not born believing that some are more or less deserving; that it is wrong to speak their truth; that it takes courage to say, “That is stupid.”.  Children are born with a voice via words, music, dance or painting/drawing.   The do not know or believe that one form of voice is better than another; that one color of skin is more deserving ; that their particular chromosomes which identify their gender determine their worth or their talents.  They learn this.  Every addict for/with whom I have worked or with whom I have talked learned hopelessness, weakness, shame, a sense of not belonging.   They were not born believing that they were less than; that they did not or should not have a voice. The learned this.
 
Many today are worried about who will replace Ruth Bader Ginsberg as the new Supreme Court Justice.  I, too, am concerned about that, but I also know that unless we begin to do more to help our children hold on to  the spirit of the Ruth Bader Ginsbergs of this planet we are destined to have a nation which continues to be ruled by fear.    I never had the opportunity to talk to the Ruth Bader Ginsbergs who sat on the Supreme Court, but I have talked to many who held on to that spirit; that chutzpah; who did not need to numb themselves; who knew that this life journey is only 3 seconds at best; that in those three seconds nothing matters except how well we speak what should be obvious to all of us; our skin pigment, cultural background, gender, sexual orientation, age, or different ability should not limit our right to what is guaranteed by the Declaration of Independence, the 14th amendments and the natural laws of physics.
 
Ruth Bader Ginsberg very clearly, even from this summer’s hospital bed,  claimed her voice.  We must all do our part to claim our voices and own our responsibility as a  village to ensure that our children know their voice is their right and their responsibility.
 
Rest well Ruth Bader Ginsberg on this Rosh Hashanah, May your spirit guide us in this new year.


Written September 20, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Change without shame


When I was growing up I often attended a church which seemed to focus on the fact that we were sinners demanding we constantly ask for forgiveness.   The good news was that forgiveness was always available.  The bad news was that it seems as if I just kept sinning and thus, I needed to spend most of my time in confession and asking for forgiveness.    The situation seemed pretty hopeless.  I was obliviously a serial sinner and the possibility of dying and going to hell for being a bad person was pretty certain.  Despite the gift of forgiveness, I constantly felt shameful knowing I failed the god of their understanding time and time again.

When I was an intern working in a New Jersey prison I was introduced to the 12 -step recovery program created by Dr. Bob and Bill W who were greatly influenced by the Oxford Group.    I was impressed with the fact the 12 steps said nothing in the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous about shame. The program did and does emphasize a belief in the God of one’s understanding who accepts  that addiction is a chronic illness and not a failing of the person.   While it does talk about character defects it does not do in a shaming manner.

Whether the god of one’s understanding is Jesus, Buddha, Allah, all the pieces of the universe which function as a whole, or a group of like minded people determined to be one’s best selves, does not matter although this is not always obvious from the use of certain prayers at many meetings.  Sadly, the use of prayers associated with the Christian church are a trigger for shame for many individuals.    In large cities there are recovery programs which are not so Christ or Christian centered. 

Us humans are very creative.  We can easily use the idea of humanness,  unlimited forgiveness or that of chronic illness as a justification for repeating behavior which is not consistent with emotional and spiritual growth.  Since it is not helpful to shame oneself or to expect perfection some think it is okay that one keeps repeating the same behavior.  Those same individuals might suggest it is not until one gets to the 6th step of the 12 step program “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” that one can expect to let go of certain unhealthy/destructive behaviors.  Until then one will continue the unhealthy behavior.   One “Works” the first 5 steps and then waits for the God of their understanding to remove the unhealthy behavior.   If this does not happen it is because one is not allowing the god of their understanding to remove these defects of character, god is on vacation or one has somehow not worked the first 5 steps as thoroughly as is needed.

The goal, as I understand it, is to accept that certain substances and behaviors are addictive. Once one takes a drink, uses another unhealthy drug, uses others as sexual objects, or engages in other unhealthy behavior the compulsion or obsession to keep engaging in that behavior is triggered.   My friend S who works in a treatment center for addicts says that one most be clear no matter what one cannot safely engage in that unhealthy/addictive behavior; that one can never do just one drink, other drug or sexual conquest.  One always leads to another.  

This is not about shame.  This is about accepting that if one feeds the obsession/addiction one will never compete the steps of the recovery program.  The obsessing and the ensuing  behavior will continue until one stops feeding it. Whether one thinks of the god of one’s understanding as removing it or one thinks of the science of changing the habit of certain thoughts or behavior the obsession will only stop when one refuses “no matter what” to engage it the unhealthy behavior.

Step one in the 12 step program is about powerlessness; the powerlessness once one engages in the addictive thought or behavior.  it is because one surrenders to the fact of powerlessness  one can move on to steps 2 through `12.   One does not wait to get to step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11 or 12 to  surrender. If one notices one keeps repeating the same behavior one does not shame oneself but one does go back to step 1.  There is no shame in the need to do this. It is, however,  true that insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results.

It is the absence of shame that allows one to go back to step one as often as one needs to.   Unlike many religions the 12 step program is very solution and not shame focused..

Written September 17, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org