​Visiting
 
Yesterday I had an appointment for routine maintenance on my vehicle.   Since the arrival of covid-19 I have not driven nearly as many miles and, thus, seldom see the folks working at the service place.  It was good to visit with them while incidentally getting  my automobile serviced.    I had taken my laptop and as I was typing another friend who was there to get his automobile inspected  joined me for a visit.
 
Often we fall into the trap of having the goal of crossing items off our to do list. This may mean a stop for groceries (often for many now just an order pickup), a stop at the gas station (no need to go inside if one is using credit or debit card) , a trip to a home improvement store, a stop at the green grocers, and a stop at the post office.  
 
Years ago, I worked a 4-day work week and set aside Friday for visiting in the Squirrel Hill section of Pittsburgh where I was then living.   First I visited the staff at the green grocer and incidentally purchased fruits and vegetables; next a stop to visit the butcher from whom I also purchased meat; next the book seller where I visited and where  I might purchase a new book; and last the florist with whom I visited and also bought flowers for my home.  Some weeks I also visited the cobbler, the hardware store clerk, folks at other retail establishment, the  staff at the public library and others,   The day might also include a bike ride to the strip district of Pittsburgh where I visited with other people while I incidentally also purchased some items.
 
When my wife and I lived in Princeton, New Jersey one had to be referred to the butcher and the wine store clerk or owner.   Once one had a relationship with the butcher one could call, and he would season a roast and cook it for you if you had late classes or other commitments.   The wine seller would lovingly and carefully choose a $5.00 bottle of wine which lasted the two of us a month.
 
I had a note from a friend of mine the other day whose hair dresser had an opportunity to work closer to his family.    If it was not so many miles from her home she would continue to visit him and incidentally get her hair done.  She is not unhappy with the new hairdresser but misses her visits with the former one.
 
When I am working as a professional counselor/therapist I frequently remind myself that the time together is first and foremost a relationship between two humans one of whom (or both)  may be living the last week, day, moment of their life.   Certainly, just as I have very clear responsibilities as a parent, I have responsibilities as a clinician which are clear to me and the client. The professional organization which issues my license and certification remind me of my professional duties and the boundaries which need to be maintained.         
These are important but, at the same time,  it is a relationship which deserves mutual love and respect.  As Father Greg Boyle asserts when he is meeting with individuals coming out of a Los Angeles gang experience his role is to facilitate returning the person to himself/herself while, they, In turn return him to himself.    While it is important for the person in the professional role to make the time together  about the needs of the client/patient - to not  make the time about what one needs – it is important to remember that the client/patient/person asking for help also brings a sacred gift of themselves to the relationship.
 
Many relationships, including many aspects of parenting, are time limited.  It is our job as parents to guide and love unconditionally.  It is also our job to let go and let the adult child choose his or her journey and the space to live that journey.  Some adult children may decide their journey mandates no contact which may feel very hurtful, but the healthy parent honors that choice while continuing to stand at the ready.  Time limited relationships are no less sacred.
 
Whether in the board room or the convenient store I hope that all of us can be intentional about visiting and taking care of each other while we also remain committed to accomplishing certain tasks or responsibilities. 
 
Written July 30, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 

Choosing a mate


I often chat with other adult males about how we select the people we date.  So often we internalize the message the we males should look for a mate who merely“ turns us on sexually/chemically”.  Of course, by the time we are old enough to date we have also have received thousands of messages pairing gender, a certain physical appearance which changes to reflect current cultural and social values and opportunities, and other qualities which we think might make a good mate for our career, social position and perhaps one who has learned the behavioral rules for the group to which we aspire to belong.    Of course, there are those lucky few who instinctly look for a good friend or soul mate whom one later comes to romantically love.  

Sadly, many of us males also look for a mate who other males are going to “approve of”, find attractive and acceptable and who they will envy.   We worry what other males think.

Romantic messages arrive via marketing videos, billboards, books and magazines (often beginning with children’s books) and other forms of advertising.  Thankfully, some of those messages have become more inclusive but, on the whole, what counts as success has not changed much.  Money, power, ownership, appearance and status still often dominate.

When I am talking with other males I may ask who their heroes are or what people they most admire.  Often, they may say their mother, a male who has been a mentor, occasionally a father, a character in a movie, play or book, a sports  figure or a teacher who has been very influential.  Some might name Martin Luther King, Jr., Mya Angelou or some other well-known person.   I will then ask what qualities this person or these persons possess which they admire.  Frequently, they might name such qualities as courage (emotional and spiritual), trustworthiness, honestly, passionate beliefs, and a commitment to walk the talk.  I will ask how many of those qualities are a romantic turn on or what they look for in a potential mate.  All too frequently there is very little correlation.  They do not date or look for a romantic partner who they respect in the same manner they do their heroes or their close friends.

I suspect all of us have looked at a stranger and thought they were sexy.  Certainly it is fun to be feel sexual towards a stranger. We may even flirt a bit. It may be that person also possess all or most of the qualities which we look for in a mentor or a best friend.    The person may, however, be merely another art object.   I love art but I never go to an art gallery or a museum hoping to find my mate or even a good friend in a piece of art.   I own art I clean and take good care of, but I never set it next to me at dinner or on the couch which I want to have a meaningful conversation.   Sometimes, however, we  look for a mate as we would an art object while having  a completely different set of standards or qualities we want in a friend.

Perhaps we would fare much better if we looks for people to date who have the potential of being good friends; of being those we admire and respect.   We may find that the romantic attraction follows.  If it does not we still have a good friend.

A physical sexual attraction can lead to great fun, but that will fade if we find that we do not like or respect the person over time.   After all, if we are living with a person very little of our time is spent connecting sexually.  We work, do house chores, contribute to the community, nurture other friendships and perhaps raise a family. If mutual respect is not present over time one will find one does not care to make time and space to nurture the romantic part of the relationship.  Being treated like an art object is not a sexual turn on for long in most relationships. There  needs to be an underlying respect and genuine passion for who the person is - how passionately they walk the talk.

Perhaps we need to be more intentional about how we teach our male children to connect romantic attraction to core values; to who the person is and will remain for the next 70 years.

Perhaps we need to be more intentional in allowing love to mature and select a mate who can be a partner emotionally, spiritually, and romantically.

Written July 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​The courage of love
 
Twice in the past two days the subject of physical fighting came up in conversations.  Well, actually three times if one counts some text messages regarding strong feelings of some about destruction of property and the destruction of the United States Flag.     The subject of violence was also addressed at length in a rebroadcast of a 2013 conversation between On Being host, Krista Tippett and the recently deceased John Lewis.  John Lewis was a member of the United States House of Representative for many years, an author, a civil rights leader who was jailed at least 40 times for his work, a survivor of a brutal beating by those opposing the goals of the civil rights workers, a firm believer in the power of non-violence and in loving  those who hurt you physically, emotionally, financially and otherwise.   He was non-violent but not passive.  He maintained that love is not a feeling but an action.  “It is a way of being.”    He claimed to not have hate for or resentment of those who beat him.   His understanding of the teaching which is attributed to Jesus to love one’s enemy was that there was no exceptions to this commandment.    He would have, I think, agreed with Father Greg Boyle that behind every bad behavior is pain.    Thus, it is always safe to follow the advice of the persons who trained him and others in the power of non-violent protests.  The advice was, when physically possible look lovingly into the eyes of the person who is abusing you.   This may not stop the immediate violence, but it will have a lasting impact on the violent person and it will force the one being abused to touch the humanity of the abuser.
 
John Lewis also strongly believed that one should envision a future of love and act as if that future is already the present.   If one envisions a United States which celebrates the sacred humanity of all its citizens and honored guests it will be easy to not only walk tall and proud but to greet all with love.
 
Occasionally, as I did this morning, I receive a message conveying anger at those burning the United States Flag or those destroying buildings in protest of the ongoing violence against people of color.  Even though I am a United States Naval veteran I do not feel anger at those who see the flag of the United States as a hypocritical symbol of freedom and equality. We are a country which has “miles to go” before the dream is manifest reality.  There are those who daily  experience the brutal violence of racism, sexism, homophobia and other forms of oppression.  The flag is not a symbol of freedom or equality for them.   I understand their anger and frustration.  It is my responsibility to respond to them with love.  It is also my responsibility to respond to those veterans who feel dishonored by the burning of the flag; those who feel their sacrifices are being mocked by the burning of the flag,  with love.
 
I talked with another man this morning who was the victim of violent bullying at this workplace.  He was also exposed to many racist statements which were not directed at him but were in earshot of a person of color.    The challenge for the man who was bullied because of his non-violent, non-drinking way of being and which mauy be threatening to some of his colleagues is to respond with love to the pain beneath the bullying – to look into the eyes of those who are bullying him with love.   This is not easy.  The young man with whom I was talking has been bullied all his life.  He has a lot of pain. He also deserves my unconditional love.  He will have to decide if he will respond to the bulling with love while standing tall and proud.    If he cannot do this the bullying will escalate.   It may temporarily escalate no matter how he responds, but if he refuses to react with anger and negativity the bullying will eventually stop because it is not working.
 
Today I can choose to follow the example of John Lewis, Gandhi , Martin Luther King Jr., Jesus and others or I can feed hate and violence.  Today I can choose to act as if I know that we are all brothers and sisters no matter what costumes of fear, pain and violence others are wearing.  Today I can choose to own my courage to look into the eyes of all others with love.
 
Written July 24, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 

​It don’t matter
 
Years ago, someone told me the story of the man who was shopping at the lingerie  store for a bra, panties and slip.   The clerk attempt to sell him  items which were sexy and expensive.   The man kept saying, “It don’t matter.”   The clerk tried her best, but the man kept giving the same response, “It don’t matter.”  Finally, he explained that the items were for his deceased wife as she lay in her coffin.  He wanted her to have nice things as folks gave thanks for her journey, but he also recognized it did not matter.
 
A friend is attempting to quit smoking and gets very discouraged and mad at himself when he gives in and buys another pack of cigarettes.   He is smoking very little but knows that he is an addict and if he continues to smoke will soon be back to a pack or more a day.  I said to him, “I would love to see you quit, but at another level it don’t matter.  Life is only ten minutes long at the most.  Whether you smoke or not does not change what I love and admire about you – your loving, kind heart and your courage to keep growing emotionally and spiritually.  It is never either or.  It is always both and neither.  When you make not smoking such a test of your character, you get more stressed and are likely to smoke more which leads to more self-recrimination which ….    Whether you stop smoking or not you are going to die in a very short time.  We are all.  Not smoking could make it easier for you to enjoy these few minutes of life but you will still die.  Relax, do your best and just notice the outcome.  It don’t matter and yet it matters.” 
 
Holding two opposing thoughts in one’s mind at the same time takes practice.  We can all learn to do it.  It seems to be part of our human nature to set goals or have expectations of ourselves and others.  If we are not careful we make attainment of those goals or realization of those expectations a test of our character or moral worth or a test of that of others.  I often quote Ram Dass, “We are all just walking each other home.”   Not much matters and all matters. It mattes a lot to me that I do my best to be a loving friend, father, brother, uncle, therapist, person today.  Yet if I die in the next ten minutes it does not matter.   If I live another 20 years that is okay too,   All I have to do is to do my best to accept my humanness, the humanness of others, and mother nature as she is this moment.   My best today may fall way short of my own hopes and the expectations of others.   My best today my exceed my hope and the expectations of others.  Either way it will be my best.  
 
I was in a museum yesterday.    One of the displays was tracing the history of this piece of the earth for millions of years.   I love being reminded of this perspective.   Over a span of millions of years not much matters and yet everything matter.  Every action  or inaction of mine affects the entire universe at some level and yet, over millions of years the effect is undiscernible.
 
Just for today I will remind myself the more I relax and accept these opposing truths the better my best.
 
“It don’t matter.   It matters a lot.”
 
Written July 23, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org



 
 

​Seriously,
 
Early in the AIDS epidemic those of us with the illness were described as dying with AIDS.   As the GLBT community and many others began to take charge of dealing with this unwelcome visitor the description was changed to PLWA – people living with AIDS.   Local tasks forces were created, a buddy system was born, and political activists demanded that those living with AIDS – no matter what their income status, sexual orientation, age or gender – be treated with love and respect.   Politicians and clergy were often the last to come on board.   We did not wait for them.
 
Covid-19 presents some of the same challenges.   A friend of mine just shared her concern about how many she knew  seemed to have stopped living with Covid-19 and are waiting for cure, a vaccine or to die.  No matter what the challenges we can decide to live with Covid-19.  Yes, we need to wear masks, demand our political leaders take the lead in how we are going to live in the midst of this pandemic, gather to make the best possible decisions regarding schools, how to support health care workers and how to support those who are without work and, thus, without food or rent money.   Just as with AIDS and other challenges WE must support each other in living with covid-19.   We may have to change many habits, but no one can stop our dance of life; not even covid-19; not even politicians; not even pharmaceutical companies who may try to overcharge for medication or vaccines when they are available. 
 
Seriously we are going to take covid-19 seriously as we learn to live and not die with it.  Even those in ICU units are still living and deserve the very best care we can together provide.  
 
We are here. We are living. We are going to keep dancing as long as we are living.   Seriously.
 
Written July 21, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

Who are we men?​

One might hope by 2020 we males would have evolved to accept what most females have always known.  We humans are social beings needing connection to survive and thrive.   In fact, we could posit that males and females have the same basic needs.  Yet, we continue to feel a need to prove our manhood to other adult males and sometimes even to our male children.  It is no secret to most females that most of our behavior is designed to impress other males.  It often seems as if other males, not females, have the power to determine our worth or lack of same.  This is true of heterosexual and gay males. Heterosexual males often spend enormous energy attempting to attract females for sexual intimacy while looking to other males to determine their worth.  

Males recognize at some deep level that bonding/having an intimate relationship has very little to do with sex or sexuality.  Intimacy is about being accepted; being a part of.   Given our history of sexism the most important relationships of even most heterosexual males are the ones with mates at school,  those with whom they serve in the military, with whom they hunt or fish, or with whom they work.   Although there may be competition and attempts to prove oneself if one can be part of group or team of males, one will feel good about himself. The term “good old boys” usually refers to a very tight knit group of males who all know the rules for acceptable behavior and hold on to the power base.  Many men often claim they do not understand the thinking and behavior of women.  The stereotype is women change their mind, are open with emotions without allowing them to keep them from completing a task, are more likely to make relationships and not tasks primary, physically can endure not only pregnancy and childbirth but breastfeeding, little sleep, maintaining a home, working as a professional, and remembering to pick up the cleaning.  They will walk thousands of miles with young children to protect children and/or to escape abuse and often keep a positive outlook.  

We men, on the other hand, unless forced into these care taking roles, are near death when we get a common cold or some “minor physical injury.  We are fearful of many of our emotions (even our anger often frightens us), need our play time with the boys and expect the females in our lives to be responsible for remembering and purchasing gifts for birthdays and other important dates.   Often we men will make our toys a primary item in the family budget and complain to other men about the controlling nature of female partners.

Obviously stereotypes are very limiting and dangerous.   Many males are emotionally strong, loving, sharing individuals who want and expect a partnership with the women or men in their lives.   On the other hand, many females in their attempt to be given fair and equal treatment have fallen into the trap of adopting behavior which copies the traditional masculine role.

We males have a responsibility to explore with each other who we are and how we want to be in relationship with males and females in our lives.  We need to help each other identify the questions, the answers to which will help us raise males whose internalized self-esteem is based on accepting the strength of vulnerability, the power of working as partners with the females and males in our lives, the courage to identify and own our strengths and talents and to appreciate the same in others.   We need to learn that vulnerability is strength, that sex is an expression of love and not a shortcut to intimacy without having to connect emotionally.     We need to believe that it takes courage and strength to reject the idea that we need to be better than, physically stronger than, richer than, and have phallic symbols whose size determine our status.    We need to accept what all the rest of nature seems to know; it is enough to be us.

Obviously our daughters need to be taught essentially the same.  They need to be taught that do not need to compete with other females, do not need a man although they do need the sperm of a male if they want children, deserve equal pay for equal work, and do not need to be competitive to earn a living or to be good managers.

We all need to learn that child care is a job which is worth a very good salary; that we do not need stuff or a large house to be a showcase for our stuff; that entertaining family and friends worked well in the farm kitchens of some of our grandparents, that we are part of a global economy and increasingly a universal economy, that we do not need to wait for retirement and, in fact may not need to retire; that there are no shortcuts to a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.

Written July 20, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
C oachpickett.org
 

Shared reality and problem solving
 
A lot of my role as a counselor/psychotherapist/mental health worker is to  invite individuals, families, couples and sometimes groups of people to envision a new reality.  Sometimes we call this new reality creativity or vision.  Sometimes we call it a shared reality.
 
Us humans have always lived in tension with each other. Frequently the  possibility of even an approximate shared reality seems elusive.   Religious groups, political groups, and even medical individuals and groups often offer many opposing realities.  The last several decades in the United States has brought many of us technology which make it impossible to ignore the fact that our reality is one of many.  One might think that knowing there are many different realities would ensure that we accepted that our particular reality is formed by many factors including:
 

• Light, the angle of one’s vision, the nuances of sound wave one’s ears can process, and even the what smells and tastes one records.
• The experiences and stories stored in one’s brain.
• How a individual brain is processing incoming stimuli in

a moment.

• What one expects or hopes to see or experience.
• One’s emotional, spiritual and political attachments to versions of reality and how this intersects with one’s sense of worth,

 
Given all of the above, it is understandable that seemingly simple issues such as whether or not citizens in the United States should be wearing a face mask when they are in a public space become not only a matter of debate but passionate disagreement.  What may seem to many to be a simple matter of current thinking of the majority of professional medical experts becomes a matter of individual rights versus the authority of business owners, local and state governments, and federal governments. 
 
If two or more people cannot agree to make decisions based on some shared base or reality then there is little point of attempting to have what some might refer to as a rational debate.  Using the same example as the requirement to wear a mask in pubic spaces: One governor has forbidden any government bodies in the state to require the wearing of masks.  His argument is that such a mandate in unenforceable.  Other argue that the mandate supports medical facilities, business establishments and other public places from allowing unmasked people to enter their space.   Passionate words are flying.  The governor and those disagreeing with him are using different and opposing decision making models based on different realities.  If all were using the same reality base, I. e. current medical thinking/evidence then the debate would be a much different one.
 
No matter what the issue it helps to determine areas of shared reality.  For example, I am sure that the all governors in the United States want to prevent themselves or their family members from being infected with covid-19.   Sometimes it might take a lot of dialogue to identify a shared reality, but I am confident that if we are committed and open we will be able to do so 99.999% of the time.  That base becomes the starting point for problem solving.  Often that is all that is needed to move towards a larger area of shared, agreement on identifying the issue and then proceeding with a  problem solving.
 
Written July 17, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org