It is a Sunday morning and I am looking forward to a visit from my six-year-old adopted niece. Frequently she pops over for a visit on Sunday morning knowing that Uncle Jim will fix waffles with fresh berries and whipped cream. Ahh. I see her walking over from next door now. She has on a pretty fall sweater. The temperatures are just cool enough to enjoy having a sweater snuggle close to one’s body.
Sam: Good morning Uncle Jim. Are we having waffles?
Me: Good morning Sam. Yes, I have the ingredients here. You can help make the batter. The blue berries have been unfrozen. Remember when we went to pick them this summer and then we washed them good before freezing them?
Sam: I remember. I was all blue from eating as many as I put in the bucket! Mom and dad laughed at me. For weeks my brother called me the blue thing. I am not a thing!
Me: No you are not but brothers and sisters like to tease each other. You like to tease Paul just as much as he likes to tease you.
Sam: (Smirking). Well, kinda! Can be make waffles now?
Me: Let’s put on your apron and get the stool for you to stand on. I am so glad we got this really sturdy stool for you to stand on while we cook.
Sam: Me too. (She jumps up on the stool.) Let’s see. 1 cup flour. (She scoops out one generous cup of flour and pours it into the big mixing cup.) Okay what is nex?. Oh I see. Backing powder.
Me: Baking powder Sam.
Sam: Oh yeah.
We continue to put in the rest of the ingredients and then Sam takes the big wooden spoon and begins to stir while I brush the waffle plates with oil.
Sam: Uncle Jim, why do we get angry? The other day during recess, two kids were screaming at each other and saying really mean things. Then the teacher got angry when the kids would not quit fighting. One of them kicked the teacher which made her really mad and they both had to go to the principal’s office. It was scary when they were fighting. I saw some pictures on the television of some fighting somewhere on the streets. I think it was the people who wear the little hats on the back their heads and the Palistinians.
Me: Yes. We humans do seem to get angry a lot don’t we? Sometimes you and I get angry. The people on the television were the Jewish and the Palestine people There are a lot of people fighting each other all over the world. Sometimes people get angry and shoot each other don’t they?
Sam: Oh, I don’t like to think about the shootings at schools. That makes me sad.
Me. Yes. It makes me sad also. Why do you think we get angry? I suspect that there are many reasons.
First, shall we pour the batter on the waffle iron?
Sam: Yes, but you better do that. The big cup is too heavy for me.
Me: Okay. (I pour the batter and Sam closes the waffle iron.)
Me: Remember the other day you and Paul were doing your homework over here because mom and dad were both busy. You could not remember how to do something, got mad, and threw the “stupid” pencil? Why do you think you did that?
Sam: Because it was a stupid!
Me: Actually, I think I have noticed that sometimes when one of us cannot do a task we get frustrated and then angry. Why do you think that is Sam?
Sam: I don’t know. It sounds stupid when you say it like that.
Me: Yes, it does. I wonder if we think we should be able to do tasks that we think others like us can do and feel dumb when we cannot.
Sam: I sure feel dumb when I cannot do part of my homework.
Me: But, we know you are not dumb even though there are many things neither one of us knows. You know that you often show me how to do something on my new phone.
Sam: But Uncle Jim that is different. You are old!
Me: Oh really! What difference does that make?
Sam: Well, you know. Old people did not grow up with phones.
Me: Well, we did have phones but they were not this complicated. They did not have apps. We just used them for calling and only then in emergencies.
Oops. The steam has stopped. Must be time to take out the waffles.
Sam: Yummy.
I put half of the waffles on her plate and then add blueberries and whipped cream.
Me: How is that?
Sam: Really good. I like the way the blueberries sort of pop in my mouth and I love whipped cream.
Me: Me, too. So, Sam, it sounds like sometimes we get embarrassed when we do not know how to do something and, yet, we know that we are all learning all the time. What would happen if we did not get embarrassed Sam?
Sam: (Tries to talk with mouth full.) Imm gass wee wood nut git angreee.
Me: I think I missed some of that. Why don’t you finish that yummy mouthful and then tell me what you said.
Sam chews and swallows.
Sam: I said, I guess we would not get angry!
Me: I agree. When else do we seem to get angry Sam? Can you think of other examples.
Sam: If mom is trying to take care of Paul, cook, the phone is ringing, and I tell her I need a snack now, she gets angry.
Me: You mean that when we have too much to do we get angry. I wonder why that is Sam?
Sam: I don’t know Uncle Jim.
Me: I think what happens is that we get too many things coming into our brain at once that it feels as if there is a traffic jam. See. What if these blueberries were all tasks requiring our attention? Using the example you just gave me, one blueberry is what your mother needs to do for Paul, another is one pot on the stove, another for what is in the oven, another for the ringing phone, and another is you wanting a snack. That is a lot of blueberries in one place. That is what happens in the brain. We get too many things coming in at once and it is like we cannot quickly decide what to deal with first. We call it getting overloaded. When we are overloaded, we sometimes use anger to try to keep any more stuff from coming into our brain. Think of it this way Sam. If five people started to rush toward you all wanting something, you would probably do what Sam?
Sam: I would try to push them away.
Me: Exactly Sam. Do you think anger pushes people away?
Sam: I don’t want to get close if mom is angry.
Me: Me neither. I wonder if we do that with things to do; when it feels like we cannot do everything at once?
Sam: That makes sense Uncle Jim.
Me: So, if we could just learn to say, (in my best British accent), “Oh my. I rather think I am experiencing an overload. I am going to take a break and reduce the incoming stimuli” then I would not need to use anger to push away people or stuff.
Sam: You are funny Uncle Jim.
Me: So anger has two purposes: (1) to avoid saying we feel embarrassed and (2) to push away people or things when we feel overloaded. Do you think that their might be more purposes Sam?
Sam: My brain is tired. Can we stop now.
Me: Sure. We can continue this discussion another time. How were the waffles?
Sam: I loved them, and I made them mostly by myself!
Me: Yes you did Sam and you did a wonderful job. Thank you.
Sam: You are welcome. I think I better go get dressed for church before my mother and dad get angry!
Me: Good idea Sam. See you later.
(Sam gives Uncle Jim a hug, takes off her apron which she throws on the chair and runs off.)
written October 18, 2015
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