In the mid-1970s, mood rings were briefly a fad. The color of the setting in the ring changed when the body temperatures changed. According to Wikipedia.org:

A mood ring is a ring that contains a thermochromic element, such as liquid crystal that changed colors based upon the temperature of the finger of the wearer. The ring included a color chart indicating the supposed mood of the wearer based upon the colors indicated on the ring.

The mood ring was created in 1975 by two New York inventors, Josh Reynolds and Maris Ambats, who bonded liquid crystals with quartz stones set into rings.‪[1] They initially retailed for $45 for a "silvery setting" and $250 for gold, and first sold at Bonwit Teller,‪[2] rapidly becoming a fad in the 1970s.‪[3]         

As is true with most fads, mood rings quickly went the way of the pet rock.   The idea, however, of communicating our mood to each other, especially those closest to us at home or at work, is one worth considering.  Sadly, many of us do not even take time to check in with ourselves to see what our mood is and the possible internal reasons for it being positive or negative.   Thus, we may “find ourselves” feeling grumpy and negative.  Situations or habits of people, which may not generally bother us, become a “reason” to utter prayers that the God of their understanding will quickly call them home.  Why is this?   Generally, when I am feeling this way it is because I have empty gas tanks.  Twelve-step programs often talk about HALT meaning “hungry, angry, lonely, tired” which is a time when folks with an addictive history are most likely to relapse.  Folks in recovery will be encouraged to notice when they are in HALT to reach out to their sponsor or another close person in recovery for support.   This is very sage advice.  Actually, I suspect that the anger and even the lonely is often a response to empty physical (lack of food, illness, exercise), emotional (lack of nurturing or recent loss), or spiritual (a loving connection with higher power, other people, and self) gas tanks.  Some of us have a history of pushing away rather than asking for support when we feel out of energy or needy in some way. It may feel as if allowing closeness involves more responsibility than we can deal with at that time.   One of the most common and often effective ways of pushing away is the use of anger.  The anger may seem to just suddenly appear and it may seem as if our co-worker, our boss, our partner or some other family member has undergone a metamorphosis since we last saw them and is causing our anger.   Our partner whom we adore and could not wait to spend time when we left in the morning has morphed, during our absence,  into this haggard, complaining, demanding, object whom we cannot stand.  Mercy!  What has happened to our lovely partner?   Did the poltergeist visit and take over their body in our absence. Probably not.  What is probably true is that one or both of us had a very stressful day using up everything in our gas tanks – even the reserve tanks – and everything seems negative and too much.

It really does feel as if the problem is the other person.  The truth is that it probably is not the other person although both of you may be on empty and not even aware that the main change is how you perceive other people, places, and things.

What are our options when the world seems so negative?  Should we apply for aconcealed gun permit to protect us from these terrible people in our lives?    Should be go to the local bar and get drunk or use some other mind-altering drug?  Perhaps we could go to the gym and work out the tension although one could end up overdoing it and pulling a muscle or otherwise injuring one.  Perhaps we should stop by the lawyer’s office. If the problem seems in our mind to be our boss, we could file a lawsuit against our boss or the company. If the problem seems to be our partner, we could file for divorce.  Perhaps we could just visit the AshleyMadison.com site and hook up with someone sexually.


We could, of course, do any of these things, but they all very likely cause new problems and a lot of regret later on.

There is a healthy, simple solution, which I recommend to clients, others and myself. Actually, I need to give credit to my good friend, Vilja, who first alerted me to her solution and alerted me to the fact that I was doing something similar.  Sometimes I was seeing Vilja, a psychiatrist, at the end of what had been an exhausting day for her or on a day when her other gas tanks were empty.  I would ask how she was and she would say, “I am mean tonight” or “I am feeling mean tonight.”   I soon learned that this was shorthand for, “I have no energy left.  Do not ask me to make any decisions or to discuss any important issues. Only talk to me if you stumble on a dead body in this house or the house is on fire.”   I realized that she was doing the same thing I had been doing when I would announce, “I am not doing humans today.”  This was basically the same sort of shorthand for letting someone know that if you bothered me with anything short of death, a fresh quart of your own blood, or the building in which we are standing being on fire, I am likely to non-violently (I am a pacifist!) find a way to make you disintegrate.   Poof!  You are now a small pile of dust which I can vacuum up! Oh well!

Seriously, the point is  take a moment throughout the day to check on the level of gas in our internal tanks.  It may take a little practice to  made a fairly accurate guess about how much gas we have to deal with the remainder of the day.  If we are at work and have a reasonable boss, we might just let him or her know that we are feeling out of sorts today  and would like to just work on  project X in our office rather than having that scheduled brainstorming session or whatever.  If we are at home, we can talk with our partner/spouse (even the children) about some fun ways of letting each other know our gas tank levels.   One of the benefits of doing this is that without needing to get angry or do something else destructive, we are  getting some support.   Our boss (in a healthy work environment) or our family members can then let us know how they are.  If my partner, co-worker, or boss is having a low-energy day  and I am having a high energy day, I might offer to take care of decisions for that day or evening.   Obviously this will not work in all office or work situations. I might just have to hide out for the day in some work situations.  I recall that there was a time when I was first getting ill that I was so exhausted I would nap between clients. Since  I still had higher than normal number of billable client hours and I had a private office with a lock, I could get away with this.  

In our relationships with family members or close friends with whom I was going to spend the evening, if one of us has a pretty full gas tanks  we might offer to take charge for that evening meaning we would get necessary chores done, take care of dinner plans, answer phone calls, and tend to the children if there are children who need attending.

To summarize the steps:

1.   Stop and check level of internal gas tanks. (be honest)
2.   Make educated guess at levels.
3.   Let important people know.

Obviously if I am the one who has empty gas tanks every day for a prolonged period of time, I may need to:

·      see a doctor to determine if I have a medical condition which needs attention
·      look for a new job
·      talk to partner about couples counseling
·      talk to individual counselor
·      have an honest look at pattern of alcohol or other drug use

This is an interesting word. What could it possibly mean?  My understanding is that there is a reaction for every action.  Merriam-Webster defines it as “something that happens as a result of a particular action or set of conditions.”

Every day all of us probably break some federal, state or local law. We are a nation of laws.  How many laws is anyone’s guess.

In an example of a failed attempt to tally up the number of laws on a specific subject area, in 1982 the Justice Department tried to determine the total number of criminal laws. In a project that lasted two years, the Department compiled a list of approximately 3,000 criminal offenses. This effort, headed by Ronald Gainer, a Justice Department official, is considered the most exhaustive attempt to count the number of federal criminal laws. In a Wall Street Journal article about this project, “this effort came as part of a long and ultimately failed campaign to persuade Congress to revise the criminal code, which by the 1980s was scattered among 50 titles and 23,000 pages of federal law.” Or as Mr. Gainer characterized this fruitless project: “[y] one will have died and [been] resurrected three times,” and still not have an answer to this question. (Blogs.loc.com March 12, 2013 by Jeanine Cali)

The above article is referring to federal laws.  Consider the following.
Politifact.com

Ron Paul says 40,000 new laws were "put on the books" on the first day of 2012

By Meghan Ashford-Grooms on Friday, April 27th, 2012 at 4:12 p.m.
A quick Google search led us to the likely basis of such a figure. In a Dec. 27, 2011, press release, the National Conference of State Legislatures said U.S. states and territories passed more than 40,000 bills and resolutions into law in 2011. Yet, the release also said, laws do not always take effect at the start of a year.

For juveniles there is also what is called status offenses. 

Juveniles and Age ("Status") Offenses

A number of activities are deemed offenses when committed by juveniles, because of the their age at the time of the activity. These are called "status" offenses. Examples of status offenses include:

◦   Truancy
◦   Possession and consumption of alcohol
◦   Curfew violations, and Purchase of cigarettes. (Criminal.findlaw.com Juveniles and Age ("Status") Offenses)

I have previously written about punishment and why I do not believe that the research supports its use if the goal is to change behavior. Yet, in an article in the St. Petersburg Tribune on July 29, 2015 an esteem colleague reported on a recent Polk County Grand Jury (Florida) report stating that the state’s rehabilitation model relies too much on a nurturing philosophy and not enough on strong discipline behind bars (page 1 and 9).  Ms. Kathleen Heidi, a mental health counselor and criminology professor at the University of South Florida said “the report was spot on…I agree in spirit with all the recommendation…There have to be boundaries and there have to be consequences.”

The implication is that the current system which focused on rehabilitation and which has reduced the recidivism rate from 46 % to 42 % is not working.   Earlier I had heard a report on NPR that although fewer juveniles are being put on probation instead of being incarcerated, they later incarcerated because of relatively minor probably violations.

A more careful study of various adult and juvenile institutions in the United States reveals various levels of care and attempts at rehabilitation which cost up t $60,000.00 a year in some states. Pay for workers can also vary a lot. In the privately operated facilities in Florida for juveniles the above mentioned article indicated that many are paying their “front-line staff between $8.00 and $10.00 an hour” out of a total contract amount of “$40 million over a five year stretch to run the Highlands Youth Academy in Florida.   For a corrections officer the Bureau of Labor reports the median pay is $39,970 per or $18.74 per hour

The bottom line is that a lot of lives are affected (experience a consequence) by our current system of so called justice.  This includes:

·      Those adults and juveniles who are charged and found to be guilty of a crime.
·      Families of those charged with crimes  - emotional and financial affect.
·      Attorneys and other employees of law firms/offices.
·      Judges and other employees of the court
·      Maintenances of court facilities.
·      Probation and Parole officer and expenses for their offices.
·      All the employees of a prison or jail.
·      Those who supply equipment, clothes, vehicles and other supplies to prisons and jails.
·      Weapons manufactures
·      Social workers, counselors, therapists and physicians who treat offenders, family members and victims.
·      Pharmaceutical companies owners and employees.
·      Direct or contract employee who build and maintain jails, prisons, etc.
·      Victims of criminal activity.
·      Local, state and federal law enforcement

I have undoubtedly left off some people or group of people. The bottom line is that we are all affected by the current system, which seems in the United States to increasingly rely of a myriad of laws and a systems, which directly and indirectly affects all of us.  As I have also previously mentioned, the United States continues to incarcerate more people per capital than any other so called developed nation and continues to have a higher recidivism that other so called developed nations.

Everyone seems to agree that the system is broken. Some such as the Polk County Grand Jury advocate more punishment. Some advocate diversion program.  A few, such as Ron Paul, advocate fewer laws.

It seems almost everyone is in favor of insuring that people who get caught and convicted of breaking the law pay a consequence or price. One of the problems is, of course, that we are all paying the consequence of the current system.   Occasionally there is a realization that the alleged offense is no one’s business. Thus, some laws have been changed or eliminated.  In most states individuals are not being locked up for possession of small amounts of marijuana while in others it is legal to sell and purchase marijuana.  Formerly homosexual acts were a criminal offense as they still are in some countries. For every law that we have eliminated, it seems we have added a host of new ones.   For example, if one is a single parent working a minimum wage job and fall asleep while caring for your child and the child wanders outside you are likely to be charged with child neglect at the very least. If lucky a neighbor might still notice that one needs help and not report one, but all too often you will be reported or charged. 

One could list the possible offenses for which one could be charged.  For example the woman was did not want to get out of our car when stopped for a minor traffic violation recently and went to jail certainly had not intended to break. Of course, there are serious offenses, which we do need to address as a society.  What I am suggesting is that we could entertain the possibility we could often redefine the problem(s).

For example, a few years ago there was an experiment offering a philosophy class of a group of homeless people. The goal was to invite them to explore the fact that one can learn to think differently about one’s approach to problem or one’s life journey overall.  The program was successful for many.   It was not successful for everyone.  Acute mental illness, addiction and other medical conditions needed to be effectively treated. 

My point is that just saying as the Grand Jury members and my esteemed colleague did that there needs to be “consequences” is not very helpful.  There are consequences for every behavior.  Of course for those “caught” and convicted the current thinking often is that the consequence needs to punishment. The thinking seems to be that the person does not know or care that they committed a crime, but if they know and the consequence is punitive enough the person will change and want to do their best to not break the same law at least. (I have already established that it is impossible not to break some law.) The problem is that that if a person is not able, for whatever, reason to care about themselves or others, we need to address that lack of ability to care – often a sense of hopelessness or disconnection.   We can continue to spend billions of dollars on making people worse or we can begin to redefine the problem and then explore solutions.   The problem, according the professed religious beliefs of most is not that some humans are less then or worthless.  From my understanding of a Christian, Buddhist, or Muslim perspective all of us are worthwhile.  Many of my Jewish friends would agree.

For those people who do need to be in a secure place would it take less money if they were treated with dignity and respect? Perhaps? This would also be a relatively small number compared to the group we now incarcerate and/or on probation or parole.

Let’s have some dialogue about consequences but let’s do with the loving knowledge that we are potentially talking about all of us. Let’s wipe the slate clean so to speak and approach the issues as “we” issues and not issues about them and us. It may sound simplistic but instead of a nation of laws perhaps we need to be a nation of neighbors.

Secrets

Secrets have been much in the news since it became known that the records of Ashley Madison’s website whose slogan is “Life is short – Have an affair” was hacked.  The fact that this site specifically caters to married people – both men and women – may have come as a shock to some.  It may have been shock to some that millions of married people use a myriad of social media sites to hook up sexually with someone other than their spouse. Although we men have worked hard to earn our reputation as sexual animals who often cannot seem to restrict our sexual life to one spouse/partner, the myth which many may have bought was that women are less likely to engage in extra-marital sexual relationship.  Of course anyone who watches television, reads literature, including the works of Shakespeare, knows that many famous women have looked outside of their marriage for sex or love.  In fact, most of us know that it is only in fairly recent history that marriage has been more than a social or financial arrangement rather than a love relationship.  Marriage was, in many respects, a very practical social institution allowing for the promulgation of the human race, the creation and maintenance of a home base, the raising of children and often the merger of two powerful families.  It may or may not have been true that the “common” man or woman did not often engage in extra-marital affairs because they were so busy with survival that they did not have the energy, time or place to entertain even the thought of an affair.   This does not mean that the “common person” who was focused on survival did not have secrets. The secrets might have related to behavior, thought, or fantasy. It could also have been related to finances, fears or some other factors.

For many years, one of my “secrets” was that I knew that I was retarded and the fact that I had been admitted to respectable academic institutions did not do anything to dispel the reality of my limited intelligence!    Another secret was related to the content of some of my sexual fantasies/desires.   As I now know is common, I started collecting secrets when I was a small child. The earliest secret I can recall was using my mother’s racism to try to evade punishment.  At age 5 or so I had smoked a cigarette made out of some weeds with a neighbor boy who was African American.  When my mother found out I blamed it on the neighbor because, even at age 5, I knew that she would always take my word over that of an African American.  For many years this was a secret, which caused me significant guilt. As I have previously mentioned in a blog, it was not until I confessed my secret as part of any assignment of the racial justice committee of the YWCA that I discovered that all of us had internalized prejudices and biases beginning in very young ages.

Despite the secrets and fears I managed to keep functioning and, in fact, completed college and went to work.  I could “justify” my secrets by telling myself that everyone had secrets. They did not keep me from performing my duties.

One could ask, “What is the big deal about secrets?”   As a psychotherapist I often worked with individuals using the 12 step programs such as AA and NA to recover and reclaim their life.  One of the common sayings or truisms, which is relayed to everyone using a 12-step program for recovery is “You are only as sick as your secrets”.  The recovery person will be strongly encouraged to work the steps of the program which will include being honest with oneself, sharing one’s secrets with another trusted sponsor and eventually, if it would not cause additional harm, making amends with those one has cheated or hurt in some other way.

What about keeping secrets is so dangerous or will prevent one from staying clean or sober, having a successful relationship with oneself or having a successful/healthy relationship with someone else?  What is the difference between secrets and those bits of information, which we do not need to share?  Obviously, for those who follow such social media sites as Facebook, Twitter or another, one cannot help but wish that many individuals would share much less. Do I really want to know every detail of the movement or thoughts of another person throughout the day?  I do not.  Knowing or not knowing these details of the activities and thoughts of another is not going to affect my relationship with that person.  Actually, that may not be entirely true. I might begin to avoid a person who has a perceived “need” to share every detail of their life.

Do I need to know when some clergy person, politician or other well-known person has a sexual affair? I do not. If they have a partner that information might be important to the partner.  If a politician is being blackmailed or voting a certain way out of fear then it is important that the individual either remove themselves from their position or take the risk of coming clean regardless of possible consequences.  Coming clean publicly might be as simple as stating that the person needs to quit for personal reasons. Obviously, if the person has a partner or other to whom they are responsible, more may need to be shared.

Sadly there are many other consequences of keeping secrets. For example:

“Keeping secrets can cause illness.

Keeping traumatic secrets can result in excessive stress and guilt for the person carrying the burden of knowledge, even when that silence is thought to be the best possible option for all concerned. Physical symptoms such as anxiety, headaches, backaches, and digestive problems often can occur when disturbing secrets are internalized, rather than shared, especially over a long period of time. Persons harboring such discomfort often turn to alcohol, or other addictive substances, to mask their pain. It is important to remember that both the person keeping the secret, as well as those who live with the secret-keeper, including young children, can experience similar physical and mental health issues.” (Suzanne Handler, Med, Five Reasons Keeping Family Secrets Could be Harmful on psycentral.com)

More specifically, keeping secretes causes stress, which in turn affects every aspect of the functioning of one’s body.  In an article entitled “Stress Affects Your Heart, Muscles, nervous system, Digestion and Even Sexual Drive” on medialdaily.com, Lecia Bushak states:

The nervous system is a delicate balance of several features — there’s the central nervous system, which includes the spinal cord and brain, as well as the “peripheral division” which involves the autonomic (ANS) and somatic nervous systems. The autonomic system, meanwhile, is divided into the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The SNS is responsible for creating the “fight or flight” response during stressful times, which braces the body to fight off a threat or danger. Essentially, the SNS is responsible for causing all the above changes to occur in your various bodily systems — from the release of stress hormones to an increased heart rate and digestive changes. This is why chronic stress can be such a long-term drain — the constant ups and downs of stress responses can take a toll on your body.

In other words important secrets cause stress which in turns affects all aspects of how the body functions.  When we are stressed and our body is busy just trying to keep alive, we are not able to be very present in our relationships with significant others. When we feel “safe” we may be able to function pretty well. For example, I have a secret which I do not want my partner/spouse to know but which would not affect my professional life I may function well at work for a bit not so well at home.

The amount of discomfort one has as a result of an important secret makes one more vulnerable to engaging in behavior which may temporarily relieve the stress. This could be sex, gambling, alcohol or other drug use, more work or withdrawing into depression. Often then one collects yet another secret in this manner. 

A partner, spouse or even a close colleague might notice that we are distant. Often they may ask, “What is going on?  Is something wrong?”  One may respond, “No, I am just tired or I had a difficult day.”  Another lie and another secret. One feels very alone and distant. The partner, spouse or colleague will  “know” that one is lying but repeated denials may make them begin to doubt their own perceptions.   They might say, “Maybe it is me. I am not feeling well. I am sorry.” Still, at some level, they “know”.

Secret behavior is, thus, never free or even cheap. The other night someone said to me, “My girlfriend would never suspect me of having a relationship with another man. She will not know.”  I responded, “She may not guess the issue,  but she will know something is wrong. Whether or not she finds out, she will sense something. Besides you will know and you have already said that you would not tolerate the same behavior is she was doing it.  Trust me, this will affect your health with yourself and with your girlfriend.  Eventually it will also affect your work performance. I have noticed now you are gambling and trying to fill the void with other people, places and things.”

He continued to try to convince himself that his behavior would have no negative consequences. Perhaps I will again hear from him when it does. Perhaps not.

We may seem to “successfully” keep some secrets for a very long time. Eventually they destroy one inch by one inch. 

“What about skilled sociopaths?” one might ask.  Hopefully none of us are skilled sociopaths but that is a legitimate question and possibly the subject of another blog.

This morning I was chatting via text with my friend Sue whose mother is living the last stage of her life.  Her mother has not always been the easiest person to take care of or to be with.  Bless her heart.  Sue mentioned that her son called his grandmother who said to him, “Your sister always is the only one who ever loved me.”  Sue said to her son, “It is probably the drugs.”  A part of Sue knows that this probably partly true, but she also know that although she is the one who has always been there to take care of her parents, she is not her mother’s favorite. Neither is her son the favorite grandchild.  Sue is like the unpaid Cinderella.  When Sue moved to another state she found a nice place near she and her husband for her parents to live out their remaining years.  She and her husband have always done whatever needed to be done to insure that her parents are as well taken care of as possible.  Sue has a sister who is also not very appreciative of all that Sue and her husband do.  In short it is quite obvious that Sue is not even close to being the favorite child.   I reminded her that every family has at least one favorite child. This is frequently the child who takes no responsibility for the care of their parent(s); swoops in occasionally for a brief visit bringing gifts and runs back to their sanctuary.  This child is wonderful. They are kind and always agree with the parent(s). They do not push for their parent to stop driving the tank like car when they no longer have much eyesight or hearing ability.  They do not push for the parent to move to assisted living or, God forbid, a nursing home. They come in, cover the parent with kisses put on their wings and fly away. 

They do not go visit for the 10th time on some days because the parent cannot find something such as the television remote or cannot see the put the thermostat back where the dutiful child left it.  They do not cart the parent to the doctor or make sure that the pills are counted out.  They call once a week or whenever, say loving, sweet nothings and quickly hang up because explaining that as the successful child or grandchild they are just so busy!  They are wonderful.   In the meantime Cinderella or Cinderella in drag dutifully steps in to serve the exalted parent!

I know that one needs to be very thankful that one’s mind is able to work in a way that allows one to do what is morally right for their parent(s).  It is not the fault of the “favorite” that they are like the prodigal son in terms of how they think and behave.  They do not sit down and pray, “Please God, help me to be self centered and unappreciative of what my sibling or mother does in taking care of the parent/grandparent.” No, for whatever reasons their synapses fire a little differently.   They drew the short straw and won the position of favorite child.

I was remembering the poem by Emily Dickinson,

I'm Nobody! Who are You?
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Literature Network » Emily Dickinson » I'm Nobody! Who are You?

Online-literature.com/Dickinson/448/

This made me smile.

I was also reminded it is important not to take the behavior of the favorite or the behavior of the parent personally.  I really do not believe that anyone decides that they will be self centered and unable to be empathetic.  I do not believe that one was issued the Cinderella role at birth although it may seem that way.  I like my value system and the fact that I am able to think the way I do. I do not envy the favorite. Well.  Okay.  Perhaps I do envy the favorite at times.  At times it seems as if it would be nice to be able not to feel responsible or not to feel guilty for not   being the one who is there to take care of the parent(s).  

I know that there is a reason why that Jesus fellow said to Peter to forgive seventy times seven times. Forgiveness is an acceptance of our shared humanness – of the fragility of the human mind and our inability to understand how all the factors come together to make synapses in the mind fire or not fire in a certain sequences.

Dr. Ellen Libby in an article entitled “The Favorite Child:  unraveling This Pervasive Dynamic” says:

Did you know that there are favorite children in every family? Did you know that favoritism impacts every family member for life? In my 30-year practice as a clinical psychologist, I have observed, on a daily basis, the effects of favoritism on favorite children, overlooked children and unfavored children. I elaborate on this never-written-about topic in my book The Favorite Child. I describe how favoritism is alive in every family and impacts every member.

Favorite children affirm their parents or fill a void in their lives. As a reward, these children believe that they are adored more than anyone else in the family, that they have won the quintessential prize of being the most cared for in the family by this important parent. Holding this belief, children feel confidence and power. They grow up trusting in their abilities to impact positively on the world and to take on important challenges, such as solving the problems of hunger and disease, or excelling in literature, sports, or the arts. Usually parents are unaware -- first, of looking to children for verification or fulfillment, and second, of favoring children in exchange.

Huffingtonpost.com

In short the favorite child has the important job or profession. They make a difference.  Cinderella is merely doing the survival chorettes.  Her/his name is not in the newspaper. Oprah or the hosts of The Today show do not interview them.    They are not elegantly dressed and toned. Forget the prince and the magic ball gown.  It just ain’t going to happen.

But then Emily reminds us:

“How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!”

Kitchen Floor Politics

At some point in my past, I think I coined the term kitchen floor politics. I say that I think I coined it because I know, at this age, that I might not be remembering accurately. I could have borrowed it from someone else.  At any rate, for me the term came out my experience of living in community with other folks who were interested in sharing money, ideas, and friendship while we sought to do our part to create a more just and loving community.  Although these were rich experiences, it sometimes seemed as if some of us were very articulate when it came to the rhetoric of creating a world in which each person was treated with love and respect.  When it came to how we lived and took care of each other we seemed to often be much too busy with “important matters” to tend to the daily tasks of maintaining a home or noticing when one of us was having a difficult time.  The symbol for this seeming inability to practice what we so eloquently articulated came to be for me the status of the kitchen floor. Did anyone notice that the kitchen floor needed mopped, the garbage taken out, the bills paid, the tears of a housemate wiped or a child needed attention?  In other words, it seemed to me that the real struggle for us was learning to live as if we valued each other.  Too often it seemed as if the women and  “gay men’ were the ones who seemed to notice that we needed to move beyond rhetoric if our words were to mean anything.   The term kitchen floor politics came to symbolize whether or not someone was trustworthy as a partner in keeping the machinery of a home operating for everyone, including the children.

I still find that it is often the women and a few men in my life who notice when the mundane tasks of life need some attention.  For example, at the YMCA there is one man who always seems to be the one trainer who notices that the paper towel dispenser is empty, the sanitized container needs refilling or some piece of equipment needs to be put back where it belongs so that no one trips over it or cannot locate it.    Actually, I have a number of male and female friends who are very good at noticing when something or someone needs attention.  I am very grateful for these people in my life.  I also, however, continue to be aware that it is often the women I know who are doing the tedious work of committees, taking care of aging or sick relatives, sending birthday cards or otherwise doing those tasks which nurture others or make it possible for the “important work” to get done”.   In some ways it seems as if we men, as a whole, but with wonderful exceptions, have a lot to learn. Perhaps if we were the ones who had to live with a pregnancy, birth a child and nurse a child we would be more attuned to the practical tasks which make it possible for “important” work to get done. Perhaps!  Perhaps not!  Having just said this even my women friends who are not carried and birthed a child seems tuned in to the practical needs of those around them.

I was thinking of this while working out at the gym Sunday morning and listening to a 2010 interview Krista Tippett on “On Being” did with Elizabeth Alexander, the poet and scholar.   Some of you might best know Mrs. Alexander as the person who wrote and delivered the poem for the inauguration of President Barrack Obama in 2009.  

A Poem for Barack Obama’s Presidential Inauguration

By Elizabeth Alexander

Each day we go about our business,

Walking past each other, catching each other’s

Eyes or not, about to speak or speaking.

All about us is noise. All about us is

Noise and bramble, thorn and din, each

One of our ancestors on our tongues.

Someone is stitching up a hem, darning

a hole in a uniform, patching a tire,

repairing the things in need of repair.

Someone is trying to make music somewhere,

With a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum,

With cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.

A woman and her son wait for the bus.

A farmer considers the changing sky.

A teacher says, Take out your pencils. Begin.

We encounter each other in words, words

Spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed,

Words to consider, reconsider.

We cross dirt roads and highways that mark

The will of some one and then others, who said

I need to see what’s on the other side.

I know there’s something better down the road.

We need to find a place where we are safe.

We walk into that which we cannot yet see.

Say it plain: that many have died for this day.

Sing the names of the dead, who brought us here,

Who laid the train tracks, raised the bridges,

Picked the cotton and the lettuce, built

Brick by brick the glittering edifices

They would then keep clean and work inside of.

Praise song for struggle, praise song for the day.

Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,

The figuring-it-out at kitchen tables.

Some live by love thy neighbor as thyself,

Others by first do no harm or take no more

Than you need. What if the mightiest word is love?

Love beyond marital, filial, national,

Love that casts a widening pool of light,

Love with no need to pre-empt grievance.

In today’s sharp sparkle, this winter air,

Any thing can be made, any sentence begun.

On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp,

Praise song for walking forward in that light.

Praise song for walking forward in that light.

Ms. Alexander says it so much better than I could.  She reminds us that love is a verb and not a noun.  She reminds us that we must pick the cotton, built a home brick by brick, mop the kitchen floor, shop for groceries, darn the socks (does anyone still do this?), keep track of birthdays and send a card or pick up the phone, wipe the tears, celebrate the victories, and share the grief.

It is not surprising that during that same interview Ms. Alexander remembered a poem by Gwendolyn Brooks, “Kitehenette building”

We are things of dry hours and the involuntary plan,

Grayed in, and gray. “Dream” makes a giddy sound, not strong

Like “rent,” “feeding a wife,” “satisfying a man.”

But could a dream send up through onion fumes

Its white and violet, fight with fried potatoes

And yesterday’s garbage ripening in the hall,

Flutter, or sing an aria down these rooms

Even if we were willing to let it in,

Had time to warm it, keep it very clean,

Anticipate a message, let it begin?

We wonder. But not well! Not for a minute!

Since Number five is out of the bathroom now,

We think of lukewarm water, hope to get in it.

I must admit that I had not heard this poem of Ms. Brooks previously. I am delighted that this gift simple made an unexpected appearance.

Just this past Saturday I sent in my entry for the September 11 sermon contest which Trinity Church in New York City is sponsoring. The assigned title is reconciliation. For me the challenge of the sermon was acknowledging the horror of the events of September 11, 2001 while, at the same time, allowing for the possibility of the miracle of reconciliation.  Although I did not think of it until I heard Mrs. Alexander and Ms.Brooks speaking through their poems, reconciliation is much like a poem.  It is that miracle which, without much ado, arrives in the midst of living “life”. It is that dream made manifest.

Sunday morning I had a message from a good friend who has struggled with addiction. He told me that he has been having a difficult time the past couple of days but he is using his spiritual tools to do what he needs to do.  This is a miracle. Today his life today is a poem well lived.

Ms. Alexander mentioned that the brevity and the succinctness of the poem made it possible for busy women to give voice to their experiences, hopes and dreams (my words).  Much like the quilt which takes material which is already present and which is also something this is needed for survival, women learned to use the canvas of the quilt to create art that often male artists later put on canvases and for which they got the credit.

It seems that poems sometimes have to wonder around for a bit, but often unlike prose, they sneak in between the seemingly, mundane smells and sounds of life.  They give voice to her grief, our joys and are amazing ability to dream – to make love manifest.

Thanks to all the women in my life and particularly to Ms. Alexander and Ms. Brooks.

                                                                                       

On paper I am an educated person.  I am in possession of two graduate degrees.  That means that depending on what statistics one believes I am one of 6.9 to 11 percent of the United States population with one graduate degree. I could not find any statistics for the percentage of the United States Population with two graduate degrees. At any rate, one might think that I could read and understand most newspaper articles and most personal utility bills. Yet, I find that I am unable to do either with any degree of proficiency.  For example, on Saturday, July 25, 2015 I was reading an editorial in the St. Petersburg Tribute by Mario Lopez entitled “Officials should fight for affordable energy”.  In this editorial the author raises important questions about the ability or inability of low-income families to pay basic bills including energy bills.

The authors is concerned in this editorial about the financial impact of the “Clean Power Plan” which the Environmental Protection Agency is set to finalize next month.  This plan is going to be the primary or perhaps the sole reason that utilities costs become affordable for many in the United States.  The author states, “According to the EPA’s own climate model emulator, the regulation would have a negligible impact on the environment-just 0.018 degrees over the next 85 years.”

The author does not raise the questions:

·      How are the current energy rates determined by the energy companies such as Duke Energy? (I am using Duke because it is the energy company my condo association uses. They do not seem that different than other energy companies with whom I have done business.)

·      Do the companies currently make a profit?
·      What are the salaries of the top executives of the energy companies?
·      What can be done about the banning of solar sales in states such as Florida, which is where I am currently living?

Since I had just paid my Duke Energy bill I again looked at the confusing bill.  It reads in part:

Energy charge                                8.76

         First 1000 kWh                      66.58
         Above 1000 kWh                   20.85

Fuel charge

         First 1000 kWh                      43.23
         Above 1000 kWh                   13.48

Total Electric Cost                          153.24

         Gross receipts tax                     3.93
         Municipal franchise fee             9.82
         Municipal utility tax               11.85

Total current bill                           183.85*

*Cost for my relatively small two-bedroom villa/condo.

Apparently energy charge does not cover fuel.  What does it cover?  The delivery of energy without the use of fuel?   The fuel charge when fuel is much cheaper covers what and is arrived at how? What is the customer charge, which is separate from energy charge and fuel charge?  A franchise fee is not the same as a utility tax which is different that a receipts tax?

My, oh my!  My head is spinning.    Perhaps I should realize that the employees, including the top executives are making barely enough to eek out a decent living.   I did check and the line employees seem to me making a very decent income but not an outrageous one.   The top five executives, on the other hand, are making the following amounts:

Name/title           Cash           Equity        Other                  Total

Marc Manly          926,616     1,175,619  154, 381    2,256,616
Ex VP and President

Lynn Good           2,236.215  5,290.357  331,574     7,948,146
Vice Chair, President and Chief Ex Officer

Dhiaa Jamil          1,037,634  1,273,601  89,910      2,401,145
Ex VP and President

Steven Young      827.913      771,522   50,296      1,649,731
Ex VP and CFO

Lloyd Yates          1,927,827  1,107,076  272,487     3,305,390
Ex VP and President

NYSE-DUK -  71.67     +.13

52 week low 69.47

52 week high  89.97

Market cap : 50.76B

How does one make sense out of all of this? Duke energy is paying its executives rather well. To be sure there are companies, which pay higher salaries to its top executives and those that pay lower.  The average pay of Duke’s professional and non-professional employees is very respectable. The Duke stockholders are making a profit of an average of .78 to .79 per share.  

I compared my bill from May of 2014 to the July 14, 2015 bill.  I discovered that:

KWH energy charge was down slightly for the first 1000 hours and slightly up for over 1000 hours.

KWH fuel charge was up for the first 1000 hours and up for over 1000 hours.     Basically the overall charge was about the same.

I am not attempting to single out Duke Energy but it does seem pretty representative.  My concerns are that:

1.    How is it possible that the entire problem is new EPA Clean Power Plan? How can they be responsible for both the current high rates and for future higher rates?
2.    Should the suppliers of basic necessities have the option of paying obscenely high salaries to their top executives – high salaries, which mean poor people as well as others, have to pay more for a basic need?
3.    How is it possible that we have a law in Florida – the sunshine state – prohibiting the use of solar energy?  Who does this benefit other than the suppliers of fuel to the energy companies?

4.    How much education should one need to make sense out of a monthly utility bill.

Of course, it is possible that I am missing something obvious.  Perhaps we, as a country cannot afford clean energy?  Perhaps there are people who need what seems to this simple man as obscene salaries to live a decent life. Perhaps it does not matter if there are people who cannot afford basic utilities? It is, after all, Florida.  If everyone would just go naked, bathe in the oceans or rivers, and cook on open fires we could just do away with utility companies.

Perhaps as a professional counselor I should have been breaking down my bill so that it reflects my various costs.  I could list the cost of paper and other supplies, the time I spend on the Internet or other ways of researching various health issues, the food it takes to supply energy to talk to clients, equipment, and other expenses separately.   Then I could add a surcharge for the time and money I spent analyzing the cost of various items, which would, of course, be in addition to the basic counseling fee.  Of course the fact that this would make people crazy and thus force them to return to counseling would be beside the point!

While I deeply appreciate those community members such as Mr. Lopez who take the time to attempt to explain to my wee brain why we cannot afford clean energy, I am going to have to admit that I feel crazier after trying to make sense out of what he is saying.  Perhaps I am just not capable of understanding why we should change the clean energy policies instead of challenging the manner in which utility companies do business. 

Perhaps I am the only one who gets so easily confused or who feels that something is terribly wrong when we cannot find a way to make clean, affordable energy available to all of us.  Perhaps I am the only one who does not understand why we need to pay such high salaries/compensation to those very important executives.  Perhaps I also do not understand why only one of the five top executives of Duke is a woman.  I am sure that is just accidental.

Hearing and “hearing”

Frequently I am reminded that what I heard and what I do not hear compared to what others think that they are communicating to me or not communicating to me are often very different.  Recently, I also was again reminded that what others “hear” political candidates saying is also very often very different than what I hear.    Sometimes a phase which means one thing to me means something totally different to someone else. Despite the differences I have to assume or I choose to assume that there is no “objective truth” in either case.  Some may, for example, think some Presidential candidates are speaking a truth, which needs to be heard even if that truth is not pleasant or   comfortable.  Upon hearing the same thing I may think that the Presidential candidate is making assumptions based on arrogance or failure to be able to put themselves in the shoes of another. Who is right?  I have to assume that in terms of what we are hearing we are both right.  In terms of what the candidate is saying I have no idea who is right.  While some “truths” do not make sense to me those “truths” make perfect sense to some other people. Debates or arguments are normally about which truth is THE TRUTH. Sometimes the debate can become very comical and even silly.  For example my partner at work or at home might say to me:  “I told you X.”  I say in retort, “You did not tell me.”   You say, “You never listen when I say something. How would you know if I said something?  I should have known when you showed up on the wrong day for our first date 30 years ago.”     (If this is a heterosexual relationship, and the woman is the one most likely to bring up a 30 year old incident one has to wonder about the results of some recent research which indicates that women lose memory faster than men as we age!)

Obviously, the simple solution would be for the partner to say, “I am sorry. I meant to tell you. I must have just thought it.” Or for me to say, “I am sorry. I must have forgotten or was not listening as carefully as I could have been.”  Then we could move on to problems solving or attending to whatever needs attention.  Often our “egos” will jump in and not allow us to do that.

I was thinking of this phenomenon as I was reading the morning newspaper.  Many of the articles in the newspaper were about various proposed solutions to the concerns which demand our attention: more guns or fewer guns, more collective responsibility or just bigger border walls, a stronger (more powerful) stance with Iran or an acceptance that treating another nation as less then will not result in justice or peace, more highways or more public transportation, more government or less government, more competition or less among health insurance companies, free market for pharmaceuticals or price controlled, death penalty or life imprisonment, more access to abortions or less access to abortions, more individual sexual freedom or more laws, more regulation for cabs or more options.  Plainly even the way that I phrase these issues affect how one might “see” or “hear” them.

There was also an article in the morning paper about an announcement by NASA of a discovery. To wit:

“Using NASA's Kepler Space Telescope, astronomers have discovered the first Earth-size planet orbiting a star in the "habitable zone" -- the range of distance from a star where liquid water might pool on the surface of an orbiting planet. The discovery of Kepler-186f confirms that planets the size of Earth exist in the habitable zone of stars other than our sun.

While planets have previously been found in the habitable zone, they are all at least 40 percent larger in size than Earth and understanding their makeup is challenging. Kepler-186f is more reminiscent of Earth.”  (Nasa.gov)

The article goes on to suggest that such a planet has possibility of having life forms.  Of course, I am well aware that some very bright, educated people have maintained for some time that so called aliens already are present on this earth.  In fact that are those who claim that Aliens have been working with a secret government of humans for some time.

One can only imagine what such aliens think if they are able to understand the languages used to communicate on Planet Earth. Let’s suppose for a moment that they can pick up the morning newspaper in any major city on the planet earth and read some of assertions about each side of the arguments/debates that I have referred to earlier in this blog.  Perhaps they are even able to access the internet and read more about some of these debates or counter claims.  What would they say about the arrogance of each side?  What might they say about our use of weapons or our penal systems?

Another aspect of listing is deciding whether I want to listen with my so called “mind” or my “heart”.  Although I know that the sound waves enter my body through my ears or the light waves enter through my eyes it makes a huge difference whether I am focused on “winning” the debate or argument or open to loving the other whose words are as valid as mine.  Am I more concerned about winning/being right or about honoring the sacredness of the other person?  Is it possible that I am listening with a patronizing attitude?

Earlier this morning someone I love and respect used a word which I always have difficulty hearing or understanding.  I decided to again look up this word. This search led me to thinking about the changing meaning of words from one time and one culture or sub culture to the next. This then led me to explore the many possible translations of a passage from the book of Ezekiel. There are translations by various Christian scholars by Jewish scholars and by many other learned people.  Who is right?  While I have the sort of mind, which can have great fun with exploring all the possibilities, how much does it matter?  It matters a lot if I am using certain words or documents to decide who is worthy of our love and God’s love and who is unworthy.

What if I accept that I am not in possession of THE TRUTH on any subject?  What if I always allow for the possibility that I am wrong or in possession of a partial truth or it does not matter who is right?    What if I took this approach in the personal and my professional parts of my life?

What if I could teach my six-year-old friend, Sam, to approach all learning in this way?  What if the goal of education was learning the art of critical thinking rather than memorizing facts and doing well on tests? What if I did not need to be “right” with my boss or my partner or my close friends?  What if I could, without being patronizing, actually listen with an open mind and an open heart? 

Well, first of all I would have to be honest about the fact (this is a fact) that listening with an open mind and heart does not come naturally to me.   If I am going to practice I might have a lot of bite marks on my tongue.  I might have to frequently remind myself, “Breathe in, breathe out.”  I might find myself smiling a lot as I very slowly released the tension, which I carry around while I try to prove to you that I am “right”?

My laptop mouse has, once again, decided to come to life and operate independently.  Various programs and functions keep playing with each other with no regard for what I am attempting to do. It was working fine earlier and then it decided it was bored and would play with me for a bit. Of course, I was in my goal-oriented mood and not ready to play.  The mouse, which is as emotionally advanced as a child, has no empathy for my very important work.  At one level I am perfectly aware that this is another rich opportunity for me to practice the art of patience and acceptance of the reality over which I have no control.  Another part of me has decided that it is very important that I hold fast to my self-imposed schedule of completing a blog a day. In order to do that I need the mouse to behave itself.

Obviously, I am under no illusions that posting another blog tomorrow is going to have a significant impact on the world, particularly if I cannot practice what I preach.  I often talk about the gift of spiritual lessons which appear in our life-usually, quite uninvited.   I do believe this. At the same time I am quite aware that I can be a very goal driven man and, if not careful, get so caught up in some task that I miss an important opportunity to grow spiritually.

While attempting to do the draft of tomorrow’s blog I am also been attempting to have a discussion, via my blog comments, with my good friend Jennifer about issues which I raised in today’s blog.  The mouse does not care about that conversation either.  In its way the mouse has reminded me that it is important to listen and not focus on trying to be right or win a debate.   Jennifer is one of those heroes I talked about in Thursday’s blog.  She is enormously bright, compassionate and has a clear vision of the values she wants to guide her in her life. I know that I can count on her to love me unconditionally and always be there if I need something. If I arrived sick on the doorstep of the home she shares with her husband and two children they would welcome me, feed me, and nurse me back to health.  There are true friends. 

One of the other qualities, which I so admire about Jennifer, is that she will debate an issue with me in a loving and respectful manner. This ability and willingness has nothing to do with the fact that she is an attorney although these qualities do serve her well professionally.

This is one of the gifts of writing and sharing the blogs in a public space.  Folks such as Jennifer will continue to challenge me to think outside of my little box. For this I am enormously grateful.

Of course, I must also admit that I am not always comfortable with being so strongly challenged.  There is that part of me which continues to hold on to an old lie that I have to prove my worthwhileness by being right or being smart or knowing something.    Yet, I also know that if I am not uncomfortable on a fairly frequent basis I am not growing.

Another friend has been challenging me to think way outside my normal limits of comfort about our role in the universe and the possibility that we are not the only life forms in the various universes and possibly the least advanced life form.  I want to claim that this is just too much for my wee brain, but I know that it is not a matter of the size of my brain.  It is a matter of opening to the possibility of thinking very differently about our place in the universes.  Yikes.  My head hurts!

Something Jennifer said made me think about the folks who used to drift over to my office when I was located next to the Catholic Community Center.  One of the homeless folks might be seeking shelter on my covered porch, especially in inclement weather. Sometimes one or more would join me for a cup of coffee.  Often I would steal a few minutes and hang out with them in the common room of the center.  Frequently, one of them would say just what I needed to hear.  One day, for example, I was in a rush and threw my briefcase along with my car keys in the trunk of the car before quickly slamming it shut.  (In those days one needed the key to unlock start the car!)   One of the men said to me, “It is so easy to get so busy that we forget what we are doing.” He was right! I was not very present to myself or anyone else. Another morning, during the Anthrax scare one of the men said to me “I don’t have to worry about getting no anthrax in the mail. If you do not have a home you do not get mail.”   He was not angry or bitter.  He was just stating a fact. There are many other examples of the sacredness of the affect that these men and women had on my life.  They were homeless for a variety of reasons.  Some had serious mental health problems. Some had been living on minimum wage and suddenly lost their job. Some were living with addiction or other illness.  Some had just lost hope and any sense of purpose.  All treated me with love and respect and all had something to teach me.

So it is that I have to make peace with my mouse. At the moment, although not back to normal, it seems to be working better. I am sure, however, that I will again get busy with my important work and forget what is important. My friend, the mouse, my human friends such as Jennifer, or the person from whom I least expect to bring  a gift will bring me gold, frankincense and myrrh.  It may be wrapped in plain brown paper, an old newspaper or in a rusty bucket and not in an elegant gift basket.

One of the recent news stories about presidential candidates has stirred the emotions of a wide variety of people. As reported by Phillip Bump in an article in the Washington Post on July 18th, presidential hopeful Donald Trump said that John McCain, a decorated veteran and a former POW was not a war hero.  Mr. Trump is quoted as saying, "He's a war hero because he was captured," Trump said. "I like people that weren't captured."

Now I am not quite sure if Mr. Trump believes what he is saying or if he or his advisers decided it was a good way to get press coverage.  If he said this for either of these reasons I am very sad.  Regardless of what one thinks of John McCain politically or where one stands on the question of the history of the military interference in the affairs of other nations by the United States, it would seem really low and insensitive to say that about someone who survived being a prisoner of war and made a successful life rather than allowing that experience to destroy him.  In that respect Mr. McCain reminds me of a lot of other people that I admire. 

This statement which is attributed to Mr. Trump and which he has not denied or said he did not mean to say exactly that also reminds me in some ways of the age-old practice of blaming the victim for getting abused.  For many years, and still sometimes today, women who were abused by their spouse, dating partner, or some stranger, were blamed for the abuse.  Still today, it is it women’s responsibility in many countries to dress and act in such a way that it is not even obvious that they are an attractive female.  If they break this rule and they get sexually abused it is considered their fault. That makes no sense to me at all.  True, I do not think it healthy or appropriate (I am old enough to get away with saying this!) for men or women to dress in a sexually provocative manner. Even so no one deserves to be abused sexually or in any other way. No one causes another person to abuse them.

This statement also stimulated my thinking about who I consider a hero or what qualities I admire in others.   As a child I grew up with standard heroes such as Theodore Roosevelt, Jesus, The Long Ranger, John Wayne, Huckleberry Finn and some very personal ones such as my Uncle Harold, Aunt Pleasie, Grandmother Pickett, and Aunt Marie. Later I would add such people as Eleanor Roosevelt, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and Joan of Arc.  More recently I  have added such individuals Pema Chodron, Vilja Stein, my son Jamie, my oldest sister, Bonnie, Barbara Bonenberger, Julia Payne, Dr. Marv McGowan, Terry Bicehouse, Don  Youse, Denis and Paulie Darsie, Kurt Colborn,  Dee Flaherty as well as some more famous individuals such as Sonja Sotomayor, Janet Reno, Father Gregory Boyle, Rami Nashashibi, Wayne Dyer, and Oprah Winfrey.  (Actually, I could list many more individuals who I personally know as well as more famous individuals.  I hope no one is offended if I left them off the list.)   This, of course, challenges me to think of the characteristics that these people seem to have in common.  First, what they do not have in common are the same opinions and beliefs that I do.  If fact many of these individuals would strongly disagree with what I think about a range of subjects. Those that I personally know do not hesitate to strongly challenge me to think outside of the box I seem to have created for some person, subject or object.

When I am to attempt to make a list of the characteristics which would all the people I admire have in common it would include:

·      They love deeply, passionately and unconditionally.

·      They have a passion for life and learning.

·      They are not afraid to fail or if they are afraid the fear does not control them.

·      They are aware that they have been given gifts and often give thanks for those gifts.

·      They often use life hardships as an occasion to learn.

·      They are aware  that their behavior affects other people.

·      They think outside the box even when it is uncomfortable.

·      They are compassionate and not patronizing. They know or believe that everyone deserves love and respect.

·      They laugh a lot.

·      Most seem to really love food.

·      They work at being present.

·      They do not think their beliefa are the only possible beliefs.

·      They are deeply spiritual which may or may not have a religious framework.

If one goggles “characteristics of heroes” one will get a number of hits  including the following in an article by Donald Milller on storylineblog.com:

6 Characteristics of a Hero: How Many Do You Embody?

by Donald Miller

I’ve been studying story for a long time now but have only recently given a lecture or two about the characteristics of a hero. I created the lecture in response to a speakers series in Minnesota and greatly enjoyed delivering the content.

I enjoyed it mostly because, well, a hero looks nothing like you’d think. And in a way, I found the revelations quite comforting.

Admittedly, this is no scientific analysis.

I basically studied a bunch of movies and tried to find common characteristics of the character that “saved the day.” What I found, though, whether it was Luke Skywalker in Star Wars, Tommy in Tommy Boy, Indiana Jones in Raiders Of The Lost Ark or Bridget Jones in Bridget Jones Diary, is that heroes are not exactly what they seem.

I created the talk because intuitively we all understand ourselves, or rather experience life, as the protagonist in a story. Stories resonate with us, then, because they are cleaned up, clear versions of the dynamics of a human life.

We all want things.

But we face resistance, and we have to risk and fight to make those things happen. It’s comforting to see romanticized, hyped versions of these plots play out on screen.

That said, what does it take to be a hero?

Here are 6 surprising commonalities of movie-screen heroes:

1. They are flawed…

2. They are filled with doubt…

3. They seek a guide…

4. Heroes are lazy but get forced into action …

5. Heroes change

6. Heroes experience pain …

Everyone can come with their own list, but of all the lists I read on various web sites, I did not find one which indicated that not getting captured in a war qualified as a hero characteristic.  Of course, both sides in a conflict are going to do all they can to avoid capture. Some may even commit suicide to avoid capture.  If one does get captured how does one use the experience in a positive manner.  Perhaps Nelson Mandela and Dietrich Bonheoffer are two positive role models in addition to John McCain for people who got captured and used their time to grow spiritually.

I am really confused by the number of people who seem to admire Mr. Trump. Perhaps my prejudices and close mindedness is keeping me from seeing his hero characteristics.  I will challenge myself to look deeper into the story of this man. I do know he knows how to fail and to come back financially. I do not have a solid sense of the values, which allow him to achieve financially.  I do believe that he is beloved by God and I believe that fact has nothing to do with how much money he has made or lost.

Six year old Sam asks about ‘affairs’

The day started boringly routinely enough.  Actually I was quite happy with boring. It is, however, summer and I was delighted to see my six-year-old neighbor, Sam, at the kitchen door.   After getting the requisite glass of mild and muffin (freshly baked of course), Sam announced that her mother had sent her over saying “Go ask Uncle Jim” Her parents have the habit of sending her over to ask Uncle Jim when there is a question they would rather not have to answer.  It is always an “interesting question” which challenges me in more ways than one.

This morning was to be no exception. 

As is often now part of her morning routine Sam, who is proud of her precocious six-year old reading habits, reads the morning paper with her folks.  Tuesday morning, July 21, she happens on an article in the St. Petersburg Tribune about the hacking of the web site, “Have an Affair.com”.  Her question had to do with the very simple word affair. She already knew the word hack. I told you she is precocious!

Oh my!  It was tempting to give a stock answer dredged up from my childhood memory of one of my mother’s favorite responses, “Ask me when you are an adult.” Or “Go ask your father.”   With Sam I knew neither of these would work.  I have promised that I will always try to answer her questions.

Thus started the conversations about affair(s).

Me: I wonder what the dictionary says.  Shall we ask our friend Merriam Webster?

Sam:  Here it is.  (She had already learned how to goggle a definition. Gone are the days when my grandmother would tell me that if I could carry the huge Webster Dictionary over to her we could look it up.  This technique bought her a few years of not having to answer uncomfortable questions. Also, even that big dictionary did not contain all the information which modern on line ones do.)   It says:

Affairs: work or activities done for a purpose: commercial, professional, public, or personal business

: A matter that concerns or involves someone

: A secret sexual relationship between two people

Oh!  It could mean something I do like homework or what you do at the office?


Me:  Yes, Sam. That is very good. That is exactly what it means.

Sam:  Let’s see (wrinkled brow):  “a matter that concerns or involves someone.” 

Me:  You know when an adult says, “it is none of your business.”  They could say, “It is none of your affair.”

Sam: Okay. I think I understand. My parents say that a lot.

What about the last one? “A secret sexual relationships between two people.”  What is sexual?

Me: When two adults like your mom and dad love each other they have a way of getting very close and sometimes creating a baby. Then the baby grows in the mother’s stomach for nine months.

Sam: Oh I know that.  That is sex?  We are very close and love each other Uncle Jim.   Is that sex?

Me:  No Sam. You are not an adult and besides we are related. We would never create a baby together. You have seen the pictures of Rip Van Winkle.   When you are old enough to have a child, reven if we were not related, I would be as old as Rip Van Winkle. I would be too old to help raise a child.

Sam: That would be gross.

Me:  Yes, I agree.

Sam: So why would two people have a secret sexual relationship?  Is it a secret that mom and dad get real close and make a baby?

Me.  No Sam. Everyone knows that your mom and dad got very close and created you.

Sam: Then where does the secret part come in and how does getting on a web site help people get close.

Me: There are very good questions. (I am obviously stalling for time.)

Sam: If I get very close to little Tommy in my class who I really like and send him text messages is that a secret affair?

Me:  Sort of but you and Tommy are not going to do anything which needs to be a secret.  Are you?

Sam:  I guess not.  Although he did try to kiss me the other day. It was yucky! It that what you mean?

Me:  Sometimes adults ignore each other and one of them decides to find someone else to get close to without telling their husband or wife. It is a secret because they have promised each other not to do that.   You know how your mom and dad always have breakfast and dinner together and then sometimes they get dressed up and smell real good and go out.  You come over here for a pizza party.  The make sure that they do not let the other get lonely.  Neither of them would have a secret affair nor go to that web site.

Sam: Can we go to the park now? 

Me:  Yes, let me change shoes and then we can go.  (This is always Sam’s way of letting me know that she has learned all she wants to learn about this subject right now.)

Later I read more about the hacking of “Haveanaffair.com”. I must admit that even though I knew about adult dating or even hookup sites, I did not know that there were sites, which specifically cater to married people who want to have an affair.  I was not shocked.  I just had not thought about it.   I identified over 140 sites, which cater just to married people who want to have an affair. Some of them claim to have as many as 21 million members!  I even found one site, “no1reviews.com” which listed the top ten such sites. They are:

AdultXXXDate.com

AdultFriendFinder.com

Passion.com

XMatch.com

Gettingiton.com

Socialflirt.com

Sexsearch.com

SDC.com

Fling.com

Hornymatches.com

Apparently many folks share a lot of personal information and often very explicit photos.  This is big business and a field ripe for hackers who want to blackmail the individual who are using these sites.

There are also many sites for married men who want to have a homosexual affair, sites for couples that want to swing and I am sure a variety of other sites.  Even if the number of members is exaggerated and even if there is a lot of crossover membership, it is obvious that a lot of people are looking for something, which they are not getting in their current marriages or partnerships.    There are those couples that have an open relationship and, thus, cannot be blackmailed. Even these individuals might prefer not to have their most private sexual habits and body parts shared with their current or potential boss, parents or others in their life.

I do not think that the Internet has brought new sexual behavior although it has brought new possibilities for exchanging information, meeting each other and procuring ‘sexual aids’ or toys.   It is not going away. We are going to have to continue to examine what is motivating so many people to take personal and professional’s risks on these sites.  We can then begin to explore how we as a culture want to deal with our intimacy needs including our sexual needs.  We also need to keep in mind that it is very easy to explore such sites, which I think is another argument for children only having the Internet available in a common area of the house and for parents installing the appropriate blocks on the phones of our children. I am well aware that many of our children figure out how to unblock quicker than we learn to block!  Still, it is incumbent on we parents to do all we can to know what are children are doing on the internet.