As unfair as cliques are, there is frequently some tiny amount of truth which forms the basis for the original offhand comment. Such are the source of jokes about mother-in-laws. In my experience, most of the women I know who are mother-in-laws are much too busy with their rich, full lives to be busy protecting their son or daughter from their spouse. Such was not the case with my mother-in-law. Grace was a woman who could be delightfully generous and, at the same time, devoted to extending a helping hand to those of us who obviously were not prepared to follow her example as a paragon of virtue. I recall her visiting in our suburban Maryland home when I was working and in school. Her daughter, my wife, was working very hard in a local bank. Not long after she arrived Grace could be found inspecting the set of family china which she had given to my wife. If we were visiting her in Pittsburgh a typical morning might start out with me saying, “Good morning mother F. Did you sleep well?” to which she would reply “Of course I slept well. I have a clear conscience.” One then could spend time in prayerful mediation asking for forgiveness for sins of which one was aware and for those only Grace and possibly God knew about.
Grace, bless her heart, has been dead many years as has my marriage to her daughter. In fact, although for a time I sent cards, I never heard from Grace once her daughter and I divorced. I did and still hear from other members of that family, but never from Grace or her husband Harry.
I do not often these days give much thought to Grace or try to add to the plethora of mostly unkind and unfair mother-in-law jokes, but she came to mind recently when the owner of the company for which I had been temporarily working was visiting the work site. Little did I know that the day was going to offer such rich opportunities for spiritual growth. I should expect and be prepared for such opportunities.
This was the second visit of this man since I had been working there. Other staff members of this center attempt to be very attuned to the particular preferences of this man and many seem to nervously prepare for his arrival and hoped for praise. This man owns other treatment facilities which have witnessed the miracle of recovery from addiction (mostly alcohol and other drugs) for many, many people. It is no small wonder that many are so grateful to this man and want to please him.
In my 40 plus years of working as a health care provider I am used to being fussed at for ignoring some of the rules although it is known that I nearly always chart the fact that I broke a rule and why I thought it was necessary in the healing process for a particular client. Clients and colleagues trust the fact that I am going to do all I can to provide them the very best treatment whether or not the treatment protocol fits neatly into the current structure of the program in which I am working. Let me be clear here that I do not have sexual relationship with my clients. I do not hire them. I do not expect them to take care of me in any way. I am there to facilitate their healing. If I need something for myself I will go to a friend or hire someone who is not a client to provide that service. No, the rules I break might be related to such issues as seeing a client after their insurance company has said they should be well, the extent of family involvement in treatment or some other rule about treatment protocol which I have decided, usually after consultation with a trusted senior colleague, needs to be bent.
So it was that I arrived at work recently expecting a pretty routine day and not particularly focused on THE VISIT. I did not even think much about it even after one of the clients came in ready to leave because he had been (in his opinion) scolded for planning on going with his sponsor to a meeting even though he had only been at the treatment facility a short time. Not surprisingly, I had signed the pass approving this time with his sponsor. Now, in this case, I did not knowingly break the rule although I thought it was a good idea for him to spend time with his sponsor. I suggested to the client that the important point is that he is getting better and well on his way to being able to practice a solid recovery program. Not going to the meeting or being fussed at was not going to prevent him from being the man he wants and can be.
Not much time passed before I was the person being fussed at for breaking other rules- behavior I hax done deliberately and which the clinical director had advised me not to do. I always explained to the clinical director why I have not done it or why the client does not want it done. The next week I might get yet another email from the clinical director explaining that the owner wants this done. Thus, it should not have come as any surprise when the owner came to my office to soundly scold me and to explain to me as if I was a new clinician why I needed to obey this rule. As much as I felt able, I explained to him why I disagreed. It was clear, however, that was not meant to be a discussion. I was meant to see the errors of my ways and correct the behavior.
Part of me was again feeling like a small child who has misbehaved. The more adult part of me was wondering to what extend I sometimes “taught” in this very scolding manner or to what extent did others hear me as this scolding “mother-in-law” type of person. How often did my behavior trigger old, hurtful memories in the person(s) to whom I was talking?
As the day moved on I was aware that I was not the only one who had received such opportunities for spiritual growth. Some of the staff went home early because they were so upset.
I am sure that the triggering of old painful memories or “scolding” people was not the intention of this person. He is a man deeply and passionately devoted to providing a rich opportunity to as many individuals as possible to heal from the terrible disease of addiction.
No, it is never the behavior of the “mother-in-law” which is the issue. It is always the gift of the fact that the behavior of the other person mirrors what I may do or could do. I can choose to either be very defensive, hurt and angry or I can choose to focus on what I want to learn from these mirrors. The question is whether or not I am wiling to lovingly use these mirrors to help me take another step in becoming the man I would like to me.
It is a temptation for me to focus on and criticize the behavior of others. I have often done that and certainly many other humans I know do that. My goal, however, is to focus on myself and what I can learn from the mirror. I also want to be kind to that part of me who gets so “hurt” and/or self critical. I want to quit treating myself the way I experience the other person as treating me. It is really me that is so hard on me; that finds it difficult to accept my own humanness?
So, thank you Grace. Hopefully you are at peace and resting after your long, arduous years of being the mirror for many people.
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