​Existential Angst of Expectations
 
I have previously written about the difficulty this human has with letting go of expectations.  I seem to understand the concept quite well.  When I am directing my frustrations at other people, events or situations I want to correctly diagnose the problem as my expectations which is the only part of the process over which I have control.  If I let, go of my expectations then I will not be frustrated and can relax and trust that I will deal with whatever the outcome.  It sounds very simple and, indeed, it is simple. On the other hand, I seem to be unwilling or unable to practice this very simple process.  I “find myself” getting frustrated and then ranting and carrying on about what others have done or not done; what has happened or not happened.
 
Theoretically I accept and even believe:
 

• My way is not the only way or even necessarily the best way to accomplish a task.
• I am not the center of the universe.  People have other commitments and obligations in addition to the ones they have made to me.
• The world does not have to operate on my rather compulsive, rigid time schedule.
• In the long run all situations or events seem to resolve themselves. I make whatever adjustments I need to make.
• I have no control over other people, places and things.
• The world will not obey my idea of what is fair or just.

 
In practice I expect others
 

• To function the same way, I perceive myself to be functioning. For example, I return phone calls and respond to letters the same day that I receive them.
• To be paragons of organization and never, ever lose or misplace some document which requires action.
• To compulsively take care of issues as they arise.
• To do what they say that they will do in the time frame they said that they would do it.
• To make my issues or concerns a priority.
• To let me know if something prevents them from honoring our agreed upon time frame.
• To be fair, just and other centered.

 
Both of these lists could be much longer, but the reader will, I am sure, forgive me for not expecting them to read through pages and pages of expectations and core beliefs.  The bottom line is there is a wee discrepancy between what I theoretically accept and what I, in practice, expect.  Such a glaring discrepancy will often result in existential angst.  Well, okay!  It is more than a wee discrepancy!  It is a wide, wide chasm.
 
 
I know that I am not alone in living with such discrepancies and the resulting existential angst.  Sadly, when I am experiencing existential angst I feel compelled to share with those “others” who are not living up to my expectations.   That results in their experiencing confusion, hurt, frustration and other symptoms of the existential angst I have dumped on them.    Frequently, as soon as this happens I feel another level of existential angst caused by my overwhelming burden of guilt.  At this point in my emotional and/or spiritual developments I am quickly aware of what I have just done and now must attempt to make amends and assure them that “I am heartily sorry for having offended (substitute mistreated, blamed, acted like a …) you and I detest all my sins …”   I am now going to compound my misdeeds by falling contritely in a prostrated position before (hopefully not on) you causing you to pretend that my behavior is not eliciting the gag reflex and/or a full state of active vomiting.
 
The 12 step programs of AA, NA, EA and others but all based on the original program designed by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob, advise one to “keep it simple stupid”.  Other spiritual teachers such as Pema Chodron advise one to just notice one’s behavior and not to add to the story line with judgmental comments. 
Spiritual growth, recovery, becoming an adult or however one labels the process is a gradual process of changing habits of thought and action.   We now have a better understanding of where the human brain stores habits and why they are so difficult to change.  We also can track the average number of messages we may get a day from various media blaming the other person or situation for our existential angst. The combination of these factors is going to continue to insure that progress in letting go of expectations is a slow, slow process. 
 
For many of us writing about this process and logging new messages is going to help in letting go of expectations, but if one of my expectations is that I will quickly learn to let go of expectations I need to let go of that one also. 
 
The best and most helpful practice might be to lovingly laugh at oneself more often.  The first clue that I might benefit from doing that might be my use of such terms as existential angst!   I will also skip the last of the Act or Prayer of Contrition which is:
 
         “I firmly resolve, with the help of your grace, to sin no more and to avoid near occasions of sin.”  
 
Not happening!  Oh well!
 
 
Written September 29, 2016
 
 

​The power of naming
 
Naming a group of people, a condition or a situation is one of the more powerful actions we can take.   In 1980 the post traumatic stress disorder was first recognized as a significant disorder. Since then the concept has been recognized as occurring as a result of a variety of traumas.  The battered women’s syndrome was introduced in the 1970ies by Lenore Walker.  Diagnosing and recognizing a disease such as AIDS was an important step in moving from viewing it as a self-inflicted gay plague to a disease which  was transmitted in very specific way and which could  be prevented and treated.   When Nadia Lopez opened the Mott Hall Bridges Academy in 2010 in the Brownville section of Brooklyn and named the students scholars she was taking the first step in helping young people who some saw as losers, future prison inmates, hopeless, unmotivated hoodlums see themselves as life-long learners.  
 
The title of Nadia Lopez’s Ted Talk is “Why open a school? To close a prison” delivered in November of 2015 is clear, concise and a road map.  Ms. Lopez says in this talk:
 
“When I opened Mott Hall Bridges Academy in 2010, my goal was simple: open a school to close a prison. Now to some, this was an audacious goal, because our school is located in the Brownsville section of Brooklyn -- one of the most underserved and violent neighborhoods in all of New York City. Like many urban schools with high poverty rates, we face numerous challenges, like finding teachers who can empathize with the complexities of a disadvantaged community, lack of funding for technology, low parental involvement and neighborhood gangs that recruit children as early as fourth grade.
 
We call our students "scholars," because they're lifelong learners. And the skills that they learn today will prepare them for college and career readiness. I chose the royal colors of purple and black, because I want them to be reminded that they are descendants of greatness, and that through education, they are future engineers, scientists, entrepreneurs and even leaders who can and will take over this world. To date, we have had three graduating classes, at a 98 --
At a 98-percent graduation rate. This is nearly 200 children, who are now going to some of the most competitive high schools in New York City.”
 
She says of the team
 
“But I have a dynamic group of educators who collaborate as a team to determine what is the best curriculum. They take time beyond their school day, and come in on weekends and even use their own money to often provide resources when we do not have it. And as the principal, I have to inspect what I expect.
 
So I show up in classes and I conduct observations to give feedback, because I want my teachers to be just as successful as the name Mott Hall Bridges Academy. And I give them access to me every single day, which is why they all have my personal cell number, including my scholars and those who graduated -- which is probably why I get phone calls and text messages at three o'clock in the morning.”
 
Once we name some person, group, condition or situation we  have already determined our relationship with that person, group, condition or situation.  Prior to the naming of the Battered women’s syndrome, women (and some men) who were being battered were incompetent wives/partners, dumb, stupid, in need of discipline by the head of the house and mentally ill.  Naming the condition and the process by which  the person doing the battering created  someone with a new condition of learned helplessness insuring that a plan of protection and healing could be designed and implemented.
 
Naming a juvenile as an offender, a school failure, a hopeless gang member becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
 
There are many names which Nadia Lopez  could have given the school and the students.  She chose to call the school an academy and the students  scholars.  If she had called the school a school for failures, for dropouts or a school for dummies she, the other members of the team and the students themselves would have been set up for failure.  But, one might ask, wasn’t she risking failure by calling them scholars?  Did this name not put too much pressure to an impossible or unachievable goals?  No, because she knew that the goal was to set in motion a way of thinking and an approach to life – an approach to learning which is not something which is necessarily reflected in test scores.  It is an approach which indicates that one is in the process of learning to learn; of getting excited about learning.   It is also a we process.
 
I recall very vividly when those infected with HIV switched from people dying with AIDS to people living with AIDS and then people living with HIV infection.
 
We, as a community, co-create victims by:
 

• Naming them as addict, losers, helpless, trouble makers, convicts, and people not deserving to be a part of the we.
• Treating them as addicts losers, helpless, trouble makers, convicts,  and people not deserving to be part of the we.
• Convincing them to internalize the names of addicts, loser, helpless, troublemakers, convicts and people not deserving to be part of the we.

 
98 % of the scholars own their identity as scholars.  That means that the team of principal, teachers, aides, janitors, and support staff have to identify themselves as life-long scholars determined to find a way to make that figure 98.5 % and then 98.6 percent. 
 
Women (and some men) who came to shelters for battered women learned that they had a condition which was treatable; they learned that they were winners.
 
People with HIV infection learned that they were living and not dying.
 
In the time of political unrest perhaps it is time to consider the power of naming.  When people are angry and feel they are not an important part of the community and we call them criminals, discontents, and trouble makers we merely reinforce what they fear.  We need to think of them as strong, abled, important scholars.  We do not forget they are wounded,but we do not name them “the wounded” as if that label could tell us who they are and what they can achieve.
 
Folks such a Nadia Lopez, Father Gregory Boyle of the Tattoos on my Heart fame KNOW that we are all winners, that we are all in the process of learning.
 
When such folds as Father Boyle and Ms. Lopez make themselves available in person, via cell phone, texting and email they become part of a we of success.  Interesting that the 12 step program is also based on the we of the RECOVERING ADDICT who is a father, mother,son, daughter scientist, lawyer, clergy person, chef. We are all in the process of becoming.   We are all in the process of reclaiming the scholars that we are.
 
The other day I asked my friend Dr. Johnen for her secret recipe for getting out stains.  She gave me a detailed account.  Dr. Johnen happens to have a PhD  who is a very gifted educator, a homemaker, the aunty-mother of her nephew, a god parent, a wife and that person who assumes various other jobs or roles.  No matter what job or role she is occupying at the moment, she is in the process of learning. Ms. Lozep would say, she is a lifetime learner. That is her name and her dance of life.
 
Whether naming ourselves, someone else, some situation or condition we may want to claim the enormous power of what name we choose.
 
Written September 27, 2016
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Pure Joy
 
 
Although I do not follow sports games or teams, there is occasionally news about a sports figure that even I cannot ignore. Such has been the case with the recent death of Miami Marlins pitcher Jose´ Fernández, age 24 who died in a boating accident on Sunday, September 25, 2016.   The death of any young person, especially one who had defected from Cuba at age 15, went on to become a baseball star and most recently, was excited about the pregnancy of the woman with whom he had a relationship might catch my attention.   The fact that he seemed to be well liked might also have caught my attention.  Yet, what really made me stop and pay attention was hearing someone on an NPR program report that several people described him as pure joy.  The same person went on to say that he was wise enough to know that baseball was a game to which he gave his best.  He was also a jokester.  Yet, as much as I admire these qualities, pure joy really caught my attention and left me smiling.
 
I thought, “What an amazing tribute to a 24-year-old person – pure joy.”   Normally, when one thinks of pure joy or certainly when I think of pure joy I think of a very innocent, healthy infant who has yet to suffer and is delighted with all the discoveries of his or her senses of sight, smell, and touch. I seldom think of adults as pure joy.   There are many who I think bring or have brought great joy to many; people such as Maya Angelou, Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dali Lama, and Pope Francis. Some of the recent Olympic winners also brought a sense of passion and joy, but I do not recall any of them being described as “pure joy”.
 
The mother of his forthcoming child, family members, his unborn child, teammates and other will grieve for this young man who so tragically died and, yet, in that brief 24 years he managed to achieve what few of us have or will achieve in a 100 years of life - the legacy of pure joy.  I am sure he felt other emotions and, yet, the one which seem to remain with all he touched was joy.
 
I suspect that many of us are capable of such a legacy but our tendency to take ourselves, our job and this life journey very seriously keep us from living such a life.  Many Thanks to Jose Fernández for a life and legacy of pure joy.
 
 
Written September 26, 2016
 
 

​Moral injury
 
Although I have often written about the reality of moral injury I have not used that term.   The term may be first being coined by the journalist David Wood to talk about how it occurs and manifests itself in the context of combat.  (Check out interview with him by Terry Gross).  Today, one can google the term moral injury and find an article by Shira Maguen, PhD and Bret Litz, PhD entitled “Moral Injury in the Context of War” on the ptsd.va.gov website.  As doctors Maguen and Litz explain, “Thus, the key precondition for moral injury is an act of transgression, which shatters moral and ethical expectations that are rooted in religious or spiritual beliefs, or culture-based, organizational, and group-based rules about fairness, the value of life, and so forth.”
 
Moral injury may have to do with the action of doing something or the action of not doing something.   Every time we make a decision to do something or to not do something which violates, at some core level, the very essence of our humanity, some part of us dies.   Some might refer to this as a soul death.  We all experience soul death.   Robert Jay Lifton in his book, The Nazi Doctors, eloquently describes how health care providers – doctors, psychologists, nurses and others – convinced themselves or allowed themselves to be convinced that they could violate their professional and personal ethics for the good of the state and not lose a part of themselves.  Doctors – not physicians who are healers – convinced themselves that agreeing to sign the death certificates for those who died in the gas chambers was no different than agreeing to amputate a limb to save a person. Killing individuals to save the state became their rationalization.
 
I recall when I was five and I used racism to get out of trouble with my mother. I blamed a verboten behavior on my little black friend knowing, at some level, that my mother would believe me before she would believe a black child. This behavior of mine took a part of my soul which became a wound, I wound which I continue to carry to this day.  The fact that I have confessed this “sin” on numerous occasions including more than once as a member of a racial justice committee lessens the intensity of the wound but does not erase it.
 
My experience of moral injury does not compare to what we demand of those we send into combat, whether that be as part of “troops on the ground operation,” piloting a bomb carrying and dropping a drone, exposing oneself to constant physical danger, or witnessing the death of friends and acquaintances.  In combat situations the frustration and anger at those responsible directly and indirectly for the death of one’s friends and others in one’s platoon, company or other people with whom one is serving may lead to a terrorist like act against a group of so-called innocent civilians.
 
Every day, individuals I know who work for corporations are asked to do something which violates some part of their core beliefs or values – to put tasks or profit before the welfare of others – to participate in charging obscene prices for a medication which costs pennies to manufacture- to allow a deceptive practice to occur such as practiced by VW.
 
Every time one of us by commission or omission does something which negates the values which affirm our common, sacred humanity some part of our soul is injured.  
 
Soul injuries or moral injuries cause part of the brain to quit functioning, other parts of the body to tense up and eventually quit functioning which then affects the overall well-integrated system which is our body and which, in turn, injures the family, the community and, yes, the nation.
 
The 12-step recovery program, some parts of some of some religious customs or practices, and some practices adopted by other healing professionals are designed to heal moral injuries (healing is not curing).  Confessing first to self (perhaps in writing if the part of the brain which handles speech has been shut down), then to another, atoning, asking for and accepting forgiveness all air in the healing process.  Patronizing statements such as “You did not have a choice. You were just doing your duty.  You are not responsible for the orders of others.” do not help to heal.  To heal we must know that others know and can still love us without diminishing the grievous nature of our deed.
 
Moral injury is a physical injury which may be invisible if not looking with the eye of courage and compassion.  Yet, it surely is physical just as stump from a severed limb.
 
We need to teach our children, our health care professionals, our teachers and our parents that moral injuries must be treated – not punished – but treated as the deep wounds that they are.   Until we do we will continue to be separated and when separated from each other we are more likely to suffer more moral injuries.
 
Written September 25, 2016

​Keeping faith – this God thing
 
Since I was a young child I have been reminded by my elders and other teachers that events will unfold in God’s time and not when I think they should happen. Yet, as Anne Lamott, the writer and author of many spiritual works, says, “Would it be too much skin off your nose to do X or give B a break or whatever.”  Surely for an all knowing, all powerful being it would not be that much trouble to strongly, but lovingly, suggest to the attorney that he/she could move our issue to the top of the pile; could let my kid catch a break at school or whatever.”  Yet, we know he/she/it does not work that way. In fact, do we really believe that there is some personified being made in our image?   Certainly there are many who believe in such a being who, similar to a benevolent parent, will one day call us to account and, if we “pass” welcome us to that eternal home. In the meantime, he/she/it is in ultimate control of all that happens.  Others believe in something they may choose to call the God of their understanding which roughly delineates that which is outside of one and, yet, includes one.  A friend of mine who has not had a traditional religious life speaks of the need to keep faith. With what or whom is he or she keeping faith? What does it mean to keep faith?  What possible meaning could the phrase “all in God’s time” have if there is not some super parent in charge of the ultimate outcome?
 
When I was talking about Parker Palmer’s concept of community the other day I was acutely aware of my belief that there is a sense of “being right” with self and with all that we conceptualize or talk about being outside of self.   Many of us talk about “finding ourselves” or “losing ourselves.”  How can one speak of losing oneself?  If, indeed, one lost oneself there would be no self to find oneself. Yet, many of us seem to accept that it makes perfect sense for one to attempt to find oneself.  The self for which one is searching seems to be that essence which most of us experience as the part of us which knows we are a part of a whole person and part of a whole universe, both of which require that the parts be working in sync with each other.  When I perform an action which does not facilitate the working of the whole then I experience a “dis ease” or a disconnection from self which then prevents me from connecting with others which then prevents me from filling my place in the “natural” order or universe(s).
 
All in God’s time calls to mind the lifting of the clouds which prevent one from seeing the action which will allow the connection to the whole.   All in God’s time conjures up an image for me of putting a motor or some other machine together.  It is only when I have all pieces in place that the motor will work.  Having 99% of them together will not result in it working.  I may or may not be able to see what piece has been left out or incorrectly joined with the whole, but I “know” that there is some missing piece which will determine the outcome.  I often “think” that I “know’ what the outcome “should” necessarily be. I may rattle off a list of what actions have been completed to insure a particular result.  I may rant and carry on when that result does not happen and happen in the time frame I expect it to happen.
 
That is when my grandmother or some other wise elder might say to me “All in God’s time.  Keep the faith.  What needs to happen will happen.”
 
When I do all I need to do to be present to self and the universe – when I keep faith – I need only stay open to the result.  If I insist on a particular result, lose faith or get impatient the anger or frustration will again result in being disconnected from self and the universe.
 
Whether one is more comfortable with “all in God’s time,” “when the time is right” or some other term, the point is that my only job is to keep the faith with myself which will then allow me to keep the faith with the universe and be at peace with the timing and the outcome.  From my very limited perspective I cannot possibly see how all the pieces of the universe fit together.  I also cannot control the actions of others or how the universe will use what seems like very negative or destructive actions.  I sometimes think of the brilliant colors which result from setting off explosives which we call fireworks.    The destructive pain which much of the world inflicts on each other will, if we allow, burn itself out. Then and only then the underlying light will be revealed to be a part of the whole.   I am not suggesting that we should welcome the destructive pain. I am suggesting that it will, in God’s time, cease. We do not have to fight against it, but we do have to resist being pulled into it.
 
Keeping the faith means to me being true to the sacred whole of which we are an essential part.   Any mistreatment of self will prevent us from keeping the faith.
 
Written September 24, 2016
 

​Chutzpah and humility
 
Friday morning, I was listening to a September 22, 2016 podcast of a conversation Krista Tippett, the host of the NPR program On Being was having entitled “The inner life of rebellion” with Parker Palmer whom I know as the author of A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life and Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation as well as the founder and Senior Partner of the Center for Courage and Renewal. The other guest was Courtney Martin, the author of six books including Do It Anyway: The New Generation of Activists and The New Better Off.  She is also co-founder of the Solutions Journalism Network.
 
As usual it is not my intention to insult Mr. Parker, MS. Martin, Ms. Tippett or the reader of this blog by repeating what is well said by all three of these eloquent and thoughtful individuals.  If the reader is not familiar with these individuals or the program On Being, I strongly urge them to make their acquaintance. They will be richly rewarded by having their heart, mind and soul tickled and fed.
 
I do want to share a few comments about a couple of quotes from Mr. Palmer. He said:
 
“It is an act of rebellion to show up as someone trying to be whole-and would add-as someone who believes that there is a hidden wholeness beneath the evident brokenness of our world.”
 
He also says, “My last book is called Healing the Heart of Democracy, and in that book, I talk about the five habits of the heart. But when I give talks about it, I say if five is too many for you to hold onto you really only need two. You need chutzpah and humility…You need the chutzpah to know that you have a voice worth speaking and things worth saying, and you need the humility to know it’s vital to listen because you may not have it right at all or only a partial grasp on the truth.  So I think it’s in holding these paradoxes that we start to sort things out.”   He also talks about the necessity of recognizing that we must do this in community.
 
I spend a lot of time speaking my truth or listening to others speaking their truth. I am not talking about those words we speak when we have a goal in mind other than to be heard.  Our goal may be to convince the other person that our truth is the only possible truth and their truth is absolutely wrong.  Our goal may be to win a political election.  Our goal may be to avoid our hurt, fear or other emotions by blaming or hurting the other person.  No, none of those is what I am thinking of when I hear or read the words of Mr. Palmer. 
 
If I say, for example, that I believe that it is safe to not react and set a goal of being a loving presence and my only goal is to put this possibility on the table then I am exercising chutzpah or courage to offer an opinion without having to convince others that my opinion is the only possible one or the only right one.  If I say that I am a difficult time hearing you when you raise your voice and seem to be shouting I am not intending to suggest that you are wrong for raising your voice. I am merely attempting to speak my truth which is that I have a difficult time hearing you when you shout. It is not wrong or right for you to shout.   If I say that I am having a difficult time ridding myself of all the layers of racism which I internalized growing up in this culture, I am not accusing anyone of making me racist. I am merely speaking my truth.  If, however, my goal is to blame others so that I do not have to accept that consciously or unconsciously I came to accept some of these racist thoughts as my truth then my goal is not being heard or fostering a sense of community.
 
Humility in my mind takes courage or chutzpah.  Humility requires that I accept the possibility that my truth is not the only truth; that my truth is not the “right” truth; that I am whole without having to be right and I can recognize and accept your wholeness even if our truths are very different.
 
When I am honest with myself a part of me cringes when someone says that my truth is wrong or bad or stupid or crazy.  Often it is not enough that I have spoken my truth.  I want or feel a need for the listener(s) to honor my truth as the truth.  I feel a need/desire to be right.  If I am right, then the other person needs to be wrong.
 
Earlier today I was responding to a letter to a person in prison who admitted to continuing to have thoughts or images in his mind of the sexual abuse of children.  He desperately wants to not have these thoughts or these images. I was suggesting to him that a path to healing was to practice just noticing the thoughts and images without labeling them as good, bad, right, wrong, perverted, or sick.  The goal, as Pema Chodron or other spiritual teachers might suggest is to just notice the thoughts or images without adding to the story by internally commenting on them.  This approach might seem to be without merit or even contradictory if we want this person to not act on those thoughts or images.  Yet, commenting on them feeds them and may make it more likely that they will become so powerful that one would be more likely to act on them.
 
Basically Mr. Palmer, Ms. Martin and other teachers are suggesting that we need to practice listening to our own truths as well as the truths of others without the need to assign the label of “the truth” to any of them. Only then can we live in community with each other and only when we live in community with each other and the universe(s) can we hope to do our part of opening the door (or even a window) of hope to a more loving and just world.
 
I am indebted to Mr. Palmer, Ms. Martin, Ms. Trippett and the host of angels via way of poems, songs, art, spoken and written word which they bring with them to these conversations.
 
Written September 23, 2016

​School Bells - current affairs – Grade 1 – Week 6
 
This is my sixth week to meet with my adopted niece’s first grade class to discuss current affairs or concerns of first graders.  Although these young people are only in the first grade they are very aware of many of the issues which affect all of us. Certainly they are much more aware than I was at that age, although I do recall adults discussing various issues and a growing awareness of racism, war, politics, and personal morals/values.  I was also frequently reminded that “money does not grow on trees” and my behavior reflected on the skill or worth of my parents as parents.
 
I was aware of serious illness and the fact that members of our families did not go to the doctor unless it was determined to be an acute emergency.   People were expected to just live with some illnesses such as what we now call Post Traumatic stress disorder which was then called shell shock. Later I had friends who lived with symptoms of such illnesses as polio for the remainder of their lives. Yet, we have found a way to prevent most new cases of polio.  It seems as if today there is more hope or perhaps an expectation that a cure will be found for illnesses such as the muscular dystrophy with which Sue lives.  The first I time met with this class and asked the students to share some of their concerns, Sue shared that she was worried that we would run out of money to research treatment for a cure for illnesses such as the one she lives with – muscular dystrophy.  I promised her that today we would discuss her concerns.  As always this should be an interesting discussion.
 
Here comes the class now.
 
Me: Good morning class. I hope that everyone is doing well.
 
Sam:  Uncle Jim, do we have cookies today?
 
Me: No, not today Sam. 
 
Me:  Today we are going to talk about Sue’s concern. Sue, would you please tell the class the concern you shared with us the first week we met?
 
Sue:  I keep hearing that the country is broke and we need to spend more money on police and wars.  Is there going to be any money left to help people find a cure for diseases like mine?  
 
Sam:   In my brother’s class they are talking about the fact that we often do not think about the difference between wants and needs.
 
Sue: Are you saying that my wanting money to be spent on finding a cure for muscular dystrophy is a want and not a need?
 
Sam:  I am sorry. That is not what I meant.  In my family we are talking about how much money we could use to help others if we only spent money on needs.
 
Sue:  I understand. I misunderstood Sam.
 
Tommy: Didn’t that Facebook guy just give a lot of money to help fight disease or something?
 
Me:  Yes, let me call up that information on goggle. Ah, here we are:
         “Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan,
have announced the next phase of their philanthropy efforts: curing all diseases in the lifetime of their 10-month-old daughter, Max.”
         At a press conference in San Francisco on Wednesday, the couple said that they will invest $3 billion into research on curing the world’s diseases… (busiessinsider.com, September 21, 2016)
 
Sofia:  That is a lot of money isn’t it Mr. Jim?
 
Me:  Yes, it is.  Does everyone know what the word philanthropy means?
 
Tara:  I know. It means when you give a gift even though you don’t have to.
 
Me: That is right Tara. I am impressed that you know this.
 
Tara:  My grandparents recently had a family meeting. My family is big on family meetings which are really boring. Well, not always, but … Oh yeah!  They said that they had sold their big farm for a lot of money and we had to decide whether they should save it for us or give it to help people who are refugees.
 
Me:  That is wonderful. What did the family decide Tara?
 
Tara: To give the money to help others. I wanted to ask for a new iPad first , but I was afraid that they would think I was unkind. It is hard being good sometimes!
 
Me: Yes, it is.   So all of us have to decide how to divide up our money.  Who decides how we will spend the money we pay in taxes?
 
Steve: All those people in Washington Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  How do those people in Washington get there?
 
Susie: They drive or take a plane or take a train.  (Sigh).
 
(There are a few snickers.)
 
Me:  Who elects the people who go to Washington to decide how to spend money and make other decisions?
 
Ahmes:  We cannot vote Mr. Jim
 
Me: No, but one day you will vote. Who you vote for will make those big decisions.
 
Tommy:  No one has to vote on that Facebook guy.
 
Me: That is true but I think that it is going to take even more than that.  As a country our total budget is over 4.0 trillion.  Let me write that down on the board.  There is a lot more money that we have to decide how to spend.
 
Steve:  If we spend it all on war we will not have any left to find a cure for diseases.
 
Me: That is true and the money that some give to fight disease may get used to fight a new threat. What is a new health threat?
 
Sam:  The zik a virus Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Yes, the zika virus. Sometimes we have to use money we thought we could spend for something else on a new illness.
 
Ahmes:  Is that like our emergency fund at home?
 
Me: Yes.
 
Sam:  Uncle Jim, are you saying that it is up to us to send people to Washington who will make sure some of our money is spent to help cure diseases?
 
Me: Sam, that is exactly what I am saying. I am saying that the money others give helps, but we all have to decide how to spend our tax money.  Just like Sam’s family is practicing deciding what is a want and what is a need,we as a country have to decide the same thing. 
 
Steve:  So all of us can decide?
 
Me:  Exactly.  With research we never know if we are going to find something in time to help Sue but there are many Sues.
 
Tommy:  Is that like all for one and one for all.
 
Me: You all amaze me.  That is exactly what it is like Tommy.
 
Goodness, the time is up.  Next week we will discuss Susie’s question of whether the trees help us breathe.  Perhaps we can also ask if trees and plants have feelings.
 
Tara:  Feelings?
 
Ring. Ring. Ring!
 
Me:  Have a good week. That you. You are all amazing.
 
Written September 22, 2016

​School Bells – Current affairs – Grade 8 – Week Six
 
Last week the 8th grade class and I had discussed the refugee issues and what we and our families could do to provide practical help.  We also discussed  what we can do long term about stopping wars and other person-made conditions which create refugees.  This led to a discussion of wants versus needs.   I suggested that we all talk to our family members about making a list of how much of the budget is spent on wants versus needs.  
 
Here comes the class now.
 
Me: Good morning class.  How is everybody?
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  How did the conversation with your families go regarding how much of the budget is wants versus needs?
 
Tom:  Our family does not have a written budget but my mom and dad liked the idea.  We have started keeping track of everything we spend and what we spend it for. Everyone has a little notebook to write down everything. I and my siblings have to write down every penny of what we spend our allowance on.  Mom and dad are going to use the debit card and  track cash use that way. They are also going to write down all the expenses for food, insurance, car, clothes, and everything. It already is a long list.
 
Paul:  At our house we had a budget and every time my sister and I want something extra we have to go over the budget and decide if there is money or if we have to give up something else. 
 
Me:  Paul, did you and your family talk about wants versus needs?
 
Paul:  Uncle Jim, you know we did because we had a long discussion when you came for dinner the other night.  It was a really hard discussion.
 
Me: Really!  What was hard about it?
 
Paul:  Well, when it was something I asked for it felt like something I needed. When it was something Sam, my sister, asked fort felt like it was a want and not a need.
 
Me:  That is very interesting.  How about others?
 
Abdul:  When we left Egypt we could not bring a lot and had to decide what was really important. We got to bring more than some families, but still, there were a lot of things we could not bring.  My siblings and I were each told to pick ten things which could all fit in the box that we really wanted to bring.  Then we had to decide on what clothes, photos and other things to bring. It was very difficult to decide.  I had the same experience of Paul.  When it was things my siblings wanted to bring I could see they were wants and not needs.  When it was my stuff it all felt like a need.
 
Me: That is interesting Abdul.  Do you miss a lot of the stuff you could not bring?
 
Abdul: I did at first but not so much now. It has been a year.
 
Me:   Ann, how about you?
 
Ann:  At first my parents did not like the idea. They were afraid that I would tell everyone about how much money we have and how we spend it. Then people would make fun of or ask us to help them.
 
Me:  So in your family money is a very private matter.   In many families there is a lot of emotional history with money either because people are afraid that someone will misuse the information or take advantage of them.  Is this experience the same for others?
 
Will:  I did not want my older brother to know how much money I had saved from my allowance and from gifts.  I knew he would try to borrow it and then would not pay it back.
 
Me:  Sounds like all of our experiences are different when it comes to how much money we have or do not have and how we are going to spend it.  We are learning a lot about our relationships with money even though we have not had much success in deciding the difference between wants and needs.
 
Susie:  Mr. Jim, did you do the homework?
 
Me: Fair question Susie.  Thanks for asking.  This was a relatively easy project for me since I live alone and I divide all my expenses into approximately 64 categories which I keep on the computer.  Thus, I could call up a report on my spending habits in each category for the past year or an even longer period of time.  I have also adopted a habit of my son’s of using a debit card instead of cash for almost all daily expenses. Then when I enter the ATM amount in my quicken program I enter the purpose of the expense.  For example, I often write at Panera’s and buy a cup of coffee.  I take my own cup and a refill is $1.69. $1.69 does not seem like a lot of money but if I do this approximately 200 days over the course of the past year that is $338.00. If 10 people donated that much to a charitable organization that would be $3,380.00.  Going to Panera’s to write is a want and not a need.  I can also go to the public library to write or I can write at home.  I recently moved and some things got broken.  I looked up the prices of some of the items and now I have to decide that even if the moving company reimburses me for them, do I really need any of these things or do I just want them. I also discovered that since I did not buy the place I had planned to move to, I did not have room for all that I bought.  I thought I had gotten rid of most of what I did not want or need but when I had to reexamine this because I do not have room for it, I found that there were a number of things which I did not need.  I still think that at least half of what I brought is a want and not a need.
 
Tom:  Such as what Mr. Jim?
 
Me:  Well, for example,  I have 11 bath towels.  I gave two to the Salvation Army but I kept nine.  Do I need nine bath towels?   I live by myself and seldom have more than two guests and do not have them very often.  Let’s say that my guests each want two bath towels after a shower or bath.  I only use one.  That would be a total of five towels.  If I only had three towels, guests would have to only use one each.  Growing up we used the same towel for all of us just like we used the same bath water for all of us.
 
Ann:  The same towel and bath water. That is disgusting Mr. Jim.
 
Me: Well, when you had to heat the water on a wood stove one kettle at a time you might not find it so disgusting Ann.  Certainly it seems that way when we are used to having private bathrooms with plenty of hot water.
 
Did anything else come up in discussions at home?
 
Abdul: We talked about the fact that in our family we have one car for both my parents to share.  It would be easier if we had two cars like our neighbors but we decided it was a want and not a need to have two cars.  Most of the time we take a bus.
 
Susie:  That takes forever.  It is so lame!
 
Me: What makes it lame, Susie!
 
Susie: They are dirty and take forever.
 
Me:  What is the positive about taking a bus?  Anyone?
 
Paul:  You, I and Sam often take the bus and we talk to people and see a lot more than when we are in the car.
 
Me:  Yes.  I enjoy that although we have to plan for the extra time. My son does not have a driver’s license.  He got one in his later twenties but has since let it expire.  He lives in Los Angeles and takes the bus or subway most of the time.  Occasionally he may take a cab or catch a ride with a friend.   I never rent a car when I visit him. I like the public transportation.  I feel more like a member of the community.
 
Goodness time is up.  I hope that everyone will continue this discussion with family and friends.  If we have time we will come back to a discussion of how families are doing with the budget and making decisions about wants versus needs.
 
Next week we will discuss the concern of John’s parents that politicians will take away our guns and we will not be able to protect ourselves.   Here are the slips with this issue written down. Give them to your family and ask them to discuss this issue between now and next week
 
Here, Will and Susie would you pass these out please?  Thanks.
 
Will and Susie pass them out.
 
Me: Have a good week.
 
Ring. Ring.  Ring.  
 
Written September 20, 2016

​Assertive versus Passive aggressive
 
This morning I opened an email from someone with whom I am having a frustrating business relationship.  Even though I believed that I was being assertive when I communicated with him, he accused me of being passive aggressive.  Whenever someone makes such an accusation I believe I need to stand back and allow for the possibility that the accusation is true. Certainly, I am capable of reacting in anger at times, although this is not the legacy I want to leave.  This person is my only contact for this business matter, although there are several other individuals and companies involved.  The business relationship has dragged on far longer than I expected and seems to have involved a variety of factors resulting in a significant delay in the completion of this business.  I am very frustrated because:
 
·      I have no control over the situation unless I just cancel the transaction and start the process all over which would likely take longer than just waiting to see what happens in this case.
·      The delay is likely to cost me what seems like a significant amount of money even though I think I have done all I could to insure the prompt and efficient completion of this transaction.
·      It seems that some of the people involved have not performed their part in a timely and professional manner.
 
As I review the above I am aware that:
 
·      Although I do not like to admit it, I do not always do well when I have to let go of control.   I like to think that if I do my part then action X should lead to result Y. Although I have many opportunities to accept my lack of control, I continue to allow myself to act as if I “should” have control.
·      The amount of money, although considerable in my budget, will not cause me to be to be homeless, without food, or without anything else essential. In the scheme of things, it is not that important.
·      All of us make mistakes. I may like to think that I am normally efficient and well organized, but I might  have neglected to do tasks in a timely manner.
·       
The web site mysahana.org has a September 17, 2014 article lists the symptoms of passive-aggressive behavior.   The person writing this article summarized them well. They are:
 
1.   Vagueness and generalities
2.   Forgetfulness/memory-lapses (intentional)
3.   Blaming and refusal to take responsibility
4.   Always playing the victim
5.   Lack of anger (aggressive behavior behind a mask of passive behavior)
6.   Sulking
 
Once I had reviewed these symptoms I reread all my correspondence with this person for the past couple of days. I noted:   
·      I was not vague. I was very clear about what was bothering me.
·      I did not pretend he had not told me something he had told me.
·      I did say that I had given him and others involved all the information at the very beginning of our business relationship.
·      I did indicate that there was nothing else I could have done to facilitate this matter. This could be interrupted as me being the victim.
·      I was very clear that I was “beyond frustrated.”  I do not think that could be construed as lack of anger.
·      Nothing I said indicated that I was quietly sulking. I was direct in letting him know that others could be found to do this job if they cannot do it.  I did not mean that as a threat but simply as a statement of fact.
 
I also noted that the communication yesterday occurred when I wrote to ask if I needed to be available at a certain time today because the closing of the deal was to take place today. I had not been informed of the fact that it was not going to happen today. I did ask, “Was anyone going to communicate this information to me?”  I suppose that this could have been construed as passive aggressive although it sounded angry to me.  
 
My review revealed  I was being assertive and not passive aggressive but obviously that is not how the person interrupted my communication.
 
I did communicate to this person this morning that it was not my intention to be passive aggressive.  At the same time when someone accuses me of some negative behavior I think it is my responsibility to attempt to examine the possibility that, in fact, they are right and I need to both make amends and do what I can to prevent this from happening in the future.
 
In Plato’s Apology Socrates uttered at his trial for impiety and corrupting youth, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  
 
Self-examination – sometimes with the help of others – is, I believe, an essential part of growth.  It is not done with the intention of covering myself with “sackcloth and ashes” but with the intention of identifying thoughts and behaviors which are not consistent with the legacy I want to leave. It is not, in other words, a high drama process but it does need to be done with sincerity and humility.
 
When someone makes an accusation, I want to avoid the often strong temptation to self-righteously discount their assertion.  Only in this way can I continue to grow. 
 
I also want to keep in mind that even if I and whatever mentor I am consulting that day, determined that the accusation was false, another truth may be that the other person honestly “heard” it as a negative behavior. I can always let the person know that I am sorry that they received it as negative, unkind behavior. Thus, it was appropriate for me to let this person know I felt bad that they received what I said as passive aggressive and that I did not consciously intend it that way.
 
Written September 20, 2016

All God’s Children
 
Ruby Sales in a conversation with Krista Tippett on On Being September 15, 2016 talked about her experience in the Southern Baptist Church.  She says:
 
“I grew up in the South. I’m from three generations of Southern Baptist preachers. My father was a Southern Baptist preacher and a chaplain in the Army. And I was bred on black folk religion. It was a religion that combined the ideals of American democracy with a theological sense of justice. It was a religion that said that people who were considered property and disposable were essential in the eyes of God and even essential in a democracy, although we were enslaved. And it was a religion where the language and the symbols were accessible, that the God talk was accessible, to even 7-year-olds. As a 7-year-old, I could sing 50 songs without missing a line. And everybody in the community had access to the theological microphone. So as a little black girl growing up in the South, I was deeply influenced by this black folk religion.”
 
Her experience of the Black Southern Baptist Church was totally different than my experience in the white Sheridan Road Southern Baptist Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma where I joined folks such as Anita Bryant who later became famous as a singer and the orange juice lady who was so adamant about the sin of the homosexual person. Her stance on homosexuality and her general emphasis on the sinful behavior of some of us humans was in keeping with what we heard in that church on Sheridan Road.  To be fair,  what I heard was surely influenced by my ‘knowing’ deep inside that I was different. It would be many years before  I was able to  admit, even to myself, that my preoccupation with sex was related to my fear that I might be one of those homosexuals.  As a teenager and even when I got married I just knew that I was not one of God’s chosen because I was of such a sinful nature that I could never be included in the rapture. The white Southern Baptist church was not designed for the disenfranchised, the “disposables,” the less than.   Although it was clear that we are all sinners, sinners referred to those who were potentially worthy of redemption.  One can be sure that those who were homosexuals, transgendered or blacks otherwise “less than” were not eligible to be among the chosen. 
 
Until Ms. Sales talked about this subject with Krista I had not thought about the fact that a church which existed for those who had already been discounted as disposals would hear the call of Jesus much differently.  Although as I have often had the experience of feeling more at home in the African American Church I knew, even there,  as a gay man who was not repentant about his gayness, I was not one of the chosen.  Since I was and am white, I did not have the experience which Ms. Sales describes and, yet, when I became an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church I firmly believed that “all God’s children” meant all people. Ms. Sales came to the same conclusion. This is why, as I have briefly discussed in another blog, she thinks that we need to attend to the pain of those who are attracted to the Donald Trumps; to all those who feel disowned and disenfranchised by the “establishment.”   God’s children, whatever our concept of God/higher being/Allah, includes the terrorist who wants to know he or she has a sacred purpose.  It includes the differently abled, the person suffering from a life-sucking addiction, the person who feels compelled to make the choice to get an abortion, the person who is existing on the lowest of the Maslow hierarchy, the person with whom I am so frustrated because it feels as he or she is not doing the job they are hired to do; the person who gets rich at the expense of others. In short all God’s children means all of us.
 
The Southern Baptist Church Ms. Sales attended may be one of those who heard the same message that Martin Luther King seemed to have heard.  Yet, many African American Churches are just as exclusionary when it comes to certain groups such as those who are part of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered community.  
 
I soon found out that the Presbyterian Church, as a whole, did not mean “all God’s Children” although they have since enlarged their understanding to include even minsters who may be part of “those hom o sex uals.”  
 
I am not sure any church, as a national organization, has come to the understanding that God’s children include those identified as terrorist or those who Hitler made to feel important and worthwhile which was the opposite of the message that the Allies gave them following World War II.  Frankly I have a difficult time accepting that I am one of God’s children today after being grumpy, short and unkind when someone did not do his job the way I thought he should be doing it. Yet, just yesterday, I was reminding a friend that he too deserved forgiveness – that we all deserve forgiveness   It is so much easier to accept the humanness of others than it is of myself. Yet..
 
What if Ms. Sales and her experience of the Black Southern Baptist Church could be accurate? What if Martin Luther King was accurate?  What if all God’s children mean all God’s children?
 
The words of the African American Spiritual contain the essence of what we all want to believe no matter what our concept of God(s) or what our belief in what gives meaning to this life:
 
 
ALL GOD'S CHILLUN GOT WINGS
 
I got a robe, you got a robe
All o' God's chillun got a robe
When I get to heab'n I'm goin' to put on my robe
I'm goin' to shout all ovah God's Heab'n
Heab'n, Heab'n
Ev'rybody talkin' 'bout heab'n ain't goin' dere
Heab'n, Heab'n
I'm goin' to shout all ovah God's Heab'n
I got-a wings, you got-a wings
All o' God's chillun got-a wings
When I get to heab'n I'm goin' to put on my wings
I'm goin' to fly all ovah God's Heab'n
Heab'n, Heab'n
Ev'rybody talkin' 'bout heab'n ain't goin' dere
Heab'n, Heab'n
I'm goin' to fly all ovah God's Heab'n
I got a harp, you got a harp
All o' God's chillun got a harp
When I get to heab'n I'm goin' to take up my harp
I'm goin' to play all ovah God's Heab'n
Heab'n , Heab'n
Ev'rybody talkin' 'bout heab'n ain't goin' dere
Heab'n, Heab'n
I'm goin' to play all ovah God's Heab'n
I got shoes, you got shoes
All o' God's chillun got shoes
When I get to heab'n I'm goin' to put on my shoes
I'm goin' to walk all ovah God's Heab'n
Heab'n , Heab'n
Ev'rybody talkin' 'bout heab'n ain't goin' dere
Heab'n, Heab'n
I'm goin' to walk all ovah God's Heab'n
 
Written September 19, 2016