​Sunday check in
 
I have long been a fan of using  various techniques to daily check in with myself to see if I am on track or widely off track.  Sunday is, however, a day which, for me, is associated with a more thorough assessment of how I am doing  When I was an ordained minister pastoring a church or guest preaching provided a time for preaching/chatting with myself and incidentally inviting others to join me.    I have not been a church pastor for many years, but daily I have the opportunity of listening to myself while talking with clients as they explore paths and techniques to and for healing.  When we wrote a philosophy for the psychotherapy practice which I and some colleagues opened in 1990, we clearly stated that the mission of the staff was to create a place where it was safe for the staff to continue their healing journey and to then invite others who were labeled as clients to continue their healing journey.  It was not long after opening our doors that I was forced to examine some of my own behavior with other staff.   Thus begun another phase of my journey – one which was often exciting and  just as often acutely uncomfortable.
 
Over the years I have used many techniques to attempt to honesty look at my behavior, thoughts and feelings.  I have used a daily journal - a journal I carried around with me - sharing with friends and colleagues, attempting to non-defensively listen to colleagues when they had the nerve to take me seriously and give me their feelings, thoughts and impressions about my behavior.  I have also used meditation, prayer, therapy, reading and listening to podcasts, Ted Talks and other people from around the world.   
Since February of 2015 I have also used the technique of writing a daily blog to quiet my mind and share with myself and others what I am thinking and feeling.  Often what I “hear” myself saying or what I hear from friends and colleagues is not comfortable. At times, I want to quickly stuff my words back into some box which I can then store under the bed, in the attic or some other place seldom visited. Yet, I continue to challenge myself by publicly exposing myself. Still, at times, I continue to make decisions which seriously question my sanity.   One of those decisions which, at the moment, seems to confirm my insanity is my decision to sell this lovely villa in Florida and move back to the Wheeling, WV area.  I am typing while sitting the midst of packed boxes and just a few pieces of furniture waiting for the movers to arrive for my partial load.  I may or may not be purchasing a townhouse.  I have yet to hear back from the sellers – via the listing agency and the sweetheart agent who is helping me – about whether they can or will make the repairs recommended by the home inspector.
 
My emotions and thoughts are many this morning.  They include:
 
Anxious
Dumb
Undecided
Mixed messages
Excited
Love
Not again you idiot!
Home
Change
Faith
Friendship
Trust
Patience
 
I am sure that there are others, but the reader gets the idea.  There was a time in my life when I might have gotten frustrated, self-critical and pushed away anyone who might have challenge me to identify and/or share my thoughts and feelings. After all, I had been born and trained as a male who was taught to pretend as if the only emotion he might express was anger and occasionalyl love – in moderation  of course.   I was not taught that it was important to honor all one’s emotions while not allowing one’s emotions by themselves to make decisions or to determine one’s strength.   It would take mentors, therapists, honest self- examination and the ability to explore the reason for these rules before deciding to keep or discard them
Although I was sometimes taught that I should pray, mostly prayer was about coming clean with a plethora of sinful actions, desires, and thoughts.   Accepting God’s harsh judgment of self and others was one of the chief characteristics of a true Christian.  Prayer was exhausting, fearful and without comfort. Yet, this passed for a practice for spiritual growth. It did little to nothing for emotional growth.     Fortunately, in my journey, I have been blessed with wonderful mentors, teachers and others who have lovingly helped me expand the tools I use to grow emotionally and spiritually.
 
Sadly, there are many such as me who are not taught that a daily time to explore emotional and spiritual growth is not about sin, judgement, punishment or other negative emotions and actions.  Although the goal is to be honest and incudes the discomfort of admitting some of our thoughts and actions to ourselves, the goal is not judgment or punishment. The goal is to notice our thoughts and actions and lovingly decide if they are consistent with one’s core values and goals. If not, one can use various techniques for letting go of them.
 
The point for me is that without a daily system I can easily and quickly get off track. When I do, old habits can be unintentionally resurrected. 
 
I had occasion to remind myself and someone else the other day of the sage wisdom of Heraclitus: “You cannot step into the same river twice.”  Either we are going to move forwards or backwards, but we cannot stand still.  Without a system – a planned, sacred  time with intentional tools - none of us can grow emotionally, spiritually or intellectually.  Mentors and other teachers, including we parents, need to do all we can to instill the need for this in our children.  Depending on one’s schedule and the day on which Sabbath is celebrated it may be Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,  Friday, or Saturday.   For some with a constantly changing schedule it will be whatever day one has off work.
 
Written August 28, 2016
 

​Nothing new – reorganizing reality
 
This morning I am indebted to Krista Tippett, the host of the NPR program, On Being, and her August 25, 2016 guest Gustavo Santaolalla for reminding me:
 
·      We reaffirm or relearn what we already know. There is nothing which is essentially new.
·      Each of us organizes or reorganizes reality making reality very personal.
·      The space between the notes or the silence between the notes is often what gives the notes their power.  Mr. Santaolalla says, “So, there’s all those spaces. I mean, I love that moment where you’re kind of suspended. And it’s not the silence that occurs at the very end of a tune, but it’s the silence that occurs between two notes. I like to think that playing a lot of notes is something that is easier to achieve. You just practice a lot, and you get to play a lot of notes. Not playing, it’s a little bit more difficult sometimes, you know.”
 
I have  previously written on all of these topic before, but I am blessed that very often – daily  or many times a day – someone or some part of nature reminds me of each of these “truths.”   Despite the fact that my commitment is to question everything and to be very deliberate about opening myself to a new way of viewing or organizing reality, if not careful, I see or hear what I expect to see or hear and do not open myself to a new reality. I can also easily start attending only to the notes and miss the possibilities between the notes.
 
Gustavo Santaolalla “has composed film scores for over a dozen features including Amores Perros, The Motorcycle Diaries, Brokeback Mountain, Babel, On the Road, and Wild Tales. He also composed the opening score for the hit Netflix series Making of a Murderer. His latest solo album is called Camino. In 2015 he was inducted into the Latin Songwriters Hall of Fame.”
 
I was surprised to hear him say: “And since I'm not an academically trained musician, I don't know how to read or write music. My way, really, to learn, is by doing it, playing it, or listening to it, or being close to somebody that is a master so I can learn something from that way…
 
Yeah. I mean, when you think about music — the scale. It’s twelve notes. I mean, seven notes with the semi-tones and stuff. Basically, it's the way I organize those notes that will be my melody, and the way the other guy will organize those will be his melody, and the way you organize three notes, it will be a chord, or four notes a chord. And so a painter that decides that he interprets a sunset in a particular way. But it's really putting reality in a peculiar way of looking at reality. It’s reorganizing it in a very peculiar way. That peculiar way is what gives you the tag, the brand. It’s like Picasso. He has a particular way of reorganizing reality and the vision of reality, his vision of reality.”
 
Mr. Santaolalla poignantly reminds the listener that it is not enough to attend to the space between the notes. One has to be open to the possibility of speaking one’s truth – of organizing reality to reveal one’s truth.  No, I am not suggesting that one organize a “truth” based on what is most politically expedient or which allows one to attain a short term reward at the expense of the health, happiness or needs of another person. That is not speaking one’s truth, but merely playing a note which is dictated by a goal rather than opening oneself to an eternal truth.
 
Music or any form of art (dance, music, poetry) are universal languages which often reflect a particular cultural and very personal history while, at the same time, reflecting a truth which is as old as the universe. If, for example, I again consider the axiom of Heraclitus, “You cannot step into the same river twice.” I may discover a new way of organizing or revealing this reality, but the essential truth remains the same.   All is indeed in a state of perpetual flux. That does not change.  Yet, each of us has to continue to uncover ways of  incorporating this truth into the way we are organizing, living and sharing reality.  As Mr. Santaolalla points out, “It’s like Picasso. He has a particular way of reorganizing reality and the vision of reality, his vision of reality.”  And I would add it was his vision of reality at that point in space and time. Picasso’s work is a great example of an artist that forces one’s eye to the space between the lines.
 
I was intrigued by the fact that I “assumed” that such a talented composer would know how to read and write music.  I assumed that his reality had to include the actual written notes rather than allowing the organizing of the notes to first make their appearance via the instrument he is playing or imagining in his mind. Actually, not being a musician I have no real idea of how one can create such complex scores without being able to write them down in traditional note form.   Yet, create he does.  Via the language of music, he wraps a reality in such a way that it seems new or as if it is expressing new truths rather than a reality or which is organized from his personal experience.
 
This morning I was listening to a person express views about how best to help a person move from homelessness to “a full and productive life.” This person sounded very sure that their approach to be helpful was “the way” and anyone with a different opinion or reality was clearly wrong.  At times I have envied those who are so sure of the answers which, of course, must mean that they are sure of the questions.  I am often not sure of either and  I am not convinced that I can always put myself in the reality of another person.  I recall a homeless person who had lost both his legs and was in a wheelchair.  My reality was that he clearly would be better off staying in the homeless shelter at night.  His reality was that he was better off staying in his wheel chair on my office building open porch even though I would often find him lying on my porch floor because he had fallen out of the wheelchair trying to get up enough to urinate during the night.  This man seemed to satisfy all the legal criteria for determining  sanity. In other words, his mind was working well enough to make his own decisions.  Yet, I would often get someone to push his wheelchair to the homeless shelter. He would wait until I left the office and reclaim his space on my porch for the night.  His reality was even when it was cold he was better off on the exposed porch than in the homeless shelter.
 
I needed the reminders of Mr. Santaolalla and Ms. Tippett. I often seem to fall into the trap of thinking that the truth I posit from my reality is “the truth” or a new truth. I also often confuse the image or the note with the space between the notes.  I rush from note to note which forces me to pull up formerly learned or perceived “truths” and then self-righteously proclaim them as new truths or the possible truths.   Perhaps this is the origin of most disputes and ensuing violence on all levels of human existence. 
Today, I can choose to focus on the space between the notes and limit myself to organizing reality out of my experience and not insist that I am experiencing the only possible reality.
 
Written August 27, 2016

​Family/community rules
One for all. All for one
 
I often suggest to clients who are parents or living with other people of any age that they may want to consider having one set of rules for the entire family. Of course, one has to allow for such factors as age and ability. Still, the principle remains the same.  I further suggest that a good way to litmus test a behavior is to clearly write out the behavior and post it on the refrigerator as a family rule.  If we are going to cheat on our taxes, not reporting cash income, or use anger as a primary tool to avoid issues we could challenge ourselves to post a family rule which states that “In this family it is good to be dishonest or to otherwise avoid issues as long as one does not get caught.”   Most of us would not be willing to post this as a recommended rule for all members of the family or household.
 
I also recommend the same basic rule for business. Any behavior which is condoned for an individual should be condoned for all employees. Thus, if a “boss” can be disrespectful then it is okay for the supervisee to be disrespectful to the boss.  Obviously most companies would not agree.
 
One might think that this same approach might work for a community, a nation or a larger body of people.  Yet, this seems not to be the way we function in many instances.   For example, one of the rules by which  we in the United States operate seems to be, “If blackmail works, it is a virtuous behavior.”     This seems true for many individuals in relationship to other family members, for politicians and for many corporations.   I encountered three instances of this by 8:00 a.m. this morning:
 
·      An active alcoholic is directly and indirectly threatening suicide if his family holds him accountable for not getting the treatment he needs to work a recovery program.
·      Mylan, the pharmaceutical company, who acquired the right to manufacture EpiPens in 2007 has raised the price since then over 400 %.  Several sources I checked estimated that the cost of epinephrine is about $1.00 and the maximum cost of the syringe is at the most about $15.00.   Yet the current price in the United States for a double pen set is $608.00.  Mylan CEO Heather Bresch in an Associated Press article published in the Tampa Bay Times (August 26, 2016, 2A) defended her company’s price hike Thursday and told CNBC that “…lowering the price was not an option.” Bresch says. “… the company only receives $274 of the $608.00 for a twin package of EpiPens. She said insurers, pharmacies, prescription benefit managers and distributors divvy up the rest.”  Yet, Forbes Magazine (August 23,2016) reports in an article entitled “Worlds 25 Biggest Drug and Biotech Companies in 2016” that “Bresch earned $2,453,456 in 2007, the year of the EpiPen acquisition.  In 2015, Bresch’s total compensation was $18,931,068.”   An aggressive marketing or education campaign   encourages individuals, families and schools to have a fresh supply of these pens on hand to counter life threatening allergic reactions.
·      Donald Trump who has famously campaigned saying that “we need to get Americans back to work, not seeing how many foreign workers we can bring to the United states” is currently seeking 65 H-2B Visa for employees at his Mar-a-Lao Club (Alex Leary, “Trump club hires foreign workers” (Tampa Bay Times, August 26 2015, p1A). At the same time Mr. Trump claims that he would be “the greatest jobs president God ever created” while saying and/or implying that if Mrs. Clinton is elected, United States workers will continue to be without employment.   The rule which Mr. Trump has consistently seems to propose is “Use fear, false promises, and all the loopholes the current laws allow to get ahead financially.”  He often seems to suggest that one of the strongest blackmail tools are fear and use of business bankruptcy laws. At the same time, he often rants again “the criminals.”
 
In thinking about blackmail, I am also reminded of the concept of iatrogenic.   This term generally refers to the illness which is caused by the treatment. It is most commonly used to refer to the adverse side effects of many medications.  I also use it to describe the results of the actions of blackmailers.   The blackmailer often creates a problem, condition or situation which then forces others to deal with the adverse side effects of their behavior.   If they do not, some other adverse problem, condition or situation will occur.     The person(s) being blackmailed is at the mercy of the blackmailer. When the alcoholic refuses to get treatment they force the family, employer or community to rescue them or deal with other adverse consequences which could include their suicide.  When companies such as Mylan raise the price on a lifesaving medication so that they can pay stockholders, the CEO and a few others an obscene amount of money, the individuals or family members who need the medication to survive are forced to buy it.  Both the alcoholic and companies such as Mylan may blame others, but the truth is they have created the adverse condition or situation.   When a company consistently uses practices which result in company (not personal) bankruptcy all the creditor and “partners” are forced to live with the adverse solution.
 
In the long run, no one wins when blackmail is an accepted family/community/business rule.   Certainly, some may get temporary relief or momentary wealth as a result of blackmail but one has essentially destroyed the concept of family or community.    If everyone in the community or a majority begin to use blackmail as a tool, then no one trusts anyone and it is the beginning of the end for the family or larger community. 
 
The solution sounds simple, but often is not.  We cannot advise anyone to quit buying EpiPens.  While, with the alcoholic, we might advise tough love, talk to a family who has lived with the results of a suicide or a person who is permanently disabled. While we might advise to never give in to the person who consistently uses business bankruptcy, talk to those creditors who stand to lose everything.
 
There is, at times, action we can take. Some may be able to get EpiPens from Canada for a much lower price for a time.   Some might practice tough love and live to see the addict successfully work a recovery program. Some might not succumb to fear or business threats and survive financially.  
 
Long term, we all need to recognize that there is no action we as individuals can take without affecting others in a positive or negative manner.   Whether we like it or not, the long term truth is that there is no “I.”  It is always a “we.”   Mrs. Bresch might have side-by-side mansions.  The alcoholic and the family might temporarily avoid facing life on life’s terms, but only temporarily.   
 
It might be interesting and helpful to think about evaluating our individual actions by the criteria of making it a family/community rule. Certainly it is something I want to consider.
 
 
Written August 26, 2016

​Teacher-student ---  Student-teacher
 
Just recently I wrote about managing anxiety.  It was a very erudite and wise piece!   Yet, this morning shortly after 5:00 a.m., while I was doing morning texting and emailing on the computer, I suddenly started getting messages that texts could not be sent.  I looked at the phone and the screen was blank.   At first I thought that perhaps night time recharging plug connection had come loose. I plugged in phone, waited a bit and tried to turn it on. Nothing. I plugged it in someplace else. Nothing.  I kept trying thinking that it just needed more time to recharge.   By this time, I am 30 minutes behind schedule.   Finally, it occurs to me to turn the computer back on and google YouTube.   I type in, “What to do if iPhone screen goes blank?”   I get many hits.   I click on a You Tube video. There is Kayla who I am sure is no more than eight who patiently, knowing she is talking to a technology dependent illiterate, tells me what to do.   Viola!   The phone is working.  I breathe a huge sigh of relief and would kiss Kayla if I could reach into the phone.   I also find out, with further exploration, that if this keeps happening it may mean that the screen needs replaced.   I am not aware that this fairly new phone has gotten wet or suffered other intrusive abuse, but it is good to know there is a solution which is probably covered by the warranty. 
 
The anxiety is gone. Why was there so much anxiety and why did I not immediately consult that wise man who wrote so eloquently and wisely about managing anxiety?  What messages was I giving myself?  I know that they included:
 
·      I have many commitments to clients, a home inspector, realtor, friends and others today all of whom are dependent on being reachable via my normal phone number.
·      It is imperative that I keep these commitments.
·      I have no backup plan to reach people although I do have most phone numbers in my computer.
·      I should not be anxious.  I have failed at following my own advice.
·      I cannot function without my phone or at least the ability to let people know why I am not responding to them.
 
I suspect that there may have been other messages, but these are the ones which immediately come to mind.  I am acutely aware that I have adopted some of these messages fairly recently in my adult life.   Although the first experiments with wireless phones began in 1908 it was not until the eighties that some privileged people had this rather large phone contraption in a box which one could use in the car.   I and many others did not get our first cell phone for everyday use until sometime in the nineties.  There were many places where this phone did not work.  Still it was a major help to those of us who were on call. It allowed for a lot more flexibility and reduced the necessity of looking for a pay phone during breaks from some activity to call the answering service, retrieve messages and return client/patient calls.   It was much later that I got an iPhone and relatively recently when I and millions of others could check email, text messages, Facebook messages or Instagram on our phones.
 
I have obviously lived most of my personal and professional life without being so instantly available or connected.  Somehow I and others managed to function well much of the time.
 
It would seem that humans, including this one, adjust our lives to the latest technological advances which are available to us.  I am also quite aware that this human readjusted to living without these “advances” fairly quickly.  As I have previously mentioned when I lived for a time in an island community in Alaska which did not then have satellite availability (other than the military), no regular electricity and, thus, no television or other way of getting instant news, I adjusted quite well in a relatively short period of time.  Initially, however, I suffered acute withdrawal symptoms including anxiety about what I might miss.  I suppose my brain had internalized the message that I would not be able to function well if I did not have the “necessary” information.  Yet, of course, I did function. It is true that if someone were sick on the island one might not be able to reach help quickly. That meant that the person might or might not be able to get the help one n eeded. Yet, whoever was left, “carried on” as best as possible. 
 
The truth is that I need the daily reminders that many of the messages I give myself are not nearly as binding or accurate as they first seem.  If my phone does not work, a number of people, including myself, might be inconvenienced or have to change their schedule but the overall process of life will go on.
 
The truth is that I am not a worthless person if I cannot keep the commitment I made because of some new issues such as an illness, death of a person (including myself) or the death of a piece of equipment. 
 
The truth is, no matter how illogical, humans are going to continue to get anxious and, if not careful, feed or reinforce the messages associated with the anxious feeling. 
 
The truth is that healthy survival for us humans requires a significant ability to “just notice the process, smile, breathe, and correct the messages.”
 
Written August 25, 2016
 

​Decision making revisited
 
It seems for all ages of folks I know decision making is often a difficult process.  Many factors seem to influence the level of difficulty which one might encounter.  These include:
 
·      Fear of making the wrong decision because others will be adversely affected.
·      Fear of making the wrong decision because of financial consequence.
·      Fear of being judged by others – family, friends, colleagues, community.
·      Fear of how one might feel long term about the results of this decision.
·      Fear that one is making a decision based too much on emotions.
 
Of course, we all make dozens of decisions on a daily basis about relatively minor matters. We decide what tasks to do at work or in our personal lives, what to eat and drink, whether or not to exercise, and what to wear.  If we are a parent, we also make many decisions for our children or related to the future of our children.  As they grow the issues change, but we are always aware of our role and consequent responsibility.  If we are divorced or widowed we know that who we date, when we expose our children to that person and the potential role of that person with our children is extremely important. Springing a new partner/spouse on our children can result in a lot of anger and acting out.  We may also find that the person does not parent in the same considerate, passionate manner that we do.
 
Most of our decisions do not have acute, lasting, and long term effects on ourselves or others. This does not necessarily stop us from obsessing about them.   We may know “other” people who spend hours shopping in the grocery store or in other types of stores comparing prices, ingredients, whether or not the product is a part of fair trade or potentially involves the oppression of those harvesting or creating the product.    With the advent of mass media which is streaming into our lives minute by minute via phone, television (even on our phones), computers, tablets, electronic billboards, and print we are constantly challenged to be good stewards of the Mother Earth and all its varied inhabitants – vegetable, mineral and animal.  Some of us are also cognizant of the effect of purchasing goods or services from those directly or indirectly involved in the production of weapons or other items which are intended to harm.  Finding out who actually owns a particular company and, thus, that company also makes weapons can consume hours or days at the computer. Even then one can easily miss the fact that x company is really under the umbrella of a conglomerate which actually owns the shirt manufacturing plant which is a union shop in the United States but purchases its thread from a sweatshop in Z country.  It seems near impossible to make shopping decisions based solely on one’s core values.
 
The decisions about which we most agonize are, of course, those which affect other people directly or which affect our future emotional health   In these days of “free choice” we select our partners.   Often our partner is selected by the prejudices and biases which we have learned or borrowed from others.   Falling in love, whatever that entails, can be a powerful force resulting in us throwing caution, core values and all other considerations to the wind.   The person with whom we fall in love may have totally different values, ambitions and beliefs, but if we have been struck deaf, blind and brain dead by love nothing else will make a difference.   Love has been known to hijack one’s brain and cause one to forsake career, family, responsibilities, and all reason.   Love (and sometimes lust) had been known to march into the very rectory of the one who would become pope or to the hut of the next Mother Theresa, anesthetize their mind, and implant wings by which they will fly to the beloved.  Love can quickly morph into hate, jealously, rage or other destructive actions.
 
Much has been written about healthy, decision making paradigms.  We know that healthy decisions are based on:
 
·      Core values which have a sound spiritual base.
·      Long-term, clearly stated and achievable objectives which are consistent with the core values.
·      Carefully detailed step-by-step plans.
·      Accurate information/facts.
·      What is possible in terms of resources.
·      A well-organized, rational or logical world.
 
Often, most of us will eventually realize that, at times, we got off course and make decisions with none of the above factors in mind. We make the decision based on love, short-term satisfaction or pleasure, or other factors having nothing to do with our core values.    If not careful we then “waste” a lot of time and energy internally or verbally beating ourselves up, wringing our hands and prostrating our “sinful” self before the world or, at the very least, in the privacy of our own home or room.  We cannot imagine that we allowed ourselves to be so inconsiderate, hurtful, shameful or stupid.  We are mortified and search for sackcloth and ashes.
 
Obviously none of this operatic, self-flagellating behavior changes anything. The only logical behavior is to return to a healthy decision making model as outlined above.   The steps are simple:
 
·      Breathe.
·      Notice that we had a very human moment. Do not judge self or others.
·      Breathe.
·      Review core values.
·      Breathe.
·      Outline short and long term goals based on core values.
·      Breathe.
·      Make a plan and, if possible, review with trusted friend, colleague, mentor, therapist, clergy or other trusted person who is supportive and not patronizing.
·      Breathe.
·      Review facts and resources available need for new goals.
·      Breathe.
·      Execute plan.
·      Keep focused on goals which are independent of the response of person(s) we mistreated or hurt in some way.
·      Move on with intention of not repeating same behavior.
·      Breathe.
 
Written August 24, 2016

​Personal legacy
 
It is Sunday morning.  Soon I will be leaving to go hear a friend of a friend speak in church.   Although I have met this man and his wife I do not know them well. I do, however, think he will have something to say that I need to hear.  I know this man and his wife to be wise, thoughtful, kind people.    After church I will join my friends and possibly the speaker and his wife for lunch. It will be a blessed morning.  Certainly I am well aware, as the saying goes, that the plans “of mice and men” often go array.   I might not make it to church.  Something could happen to my friends. Anything could happen.   
 
As I read the morning Tampa newspaper I am reminded of the myriad of life events which suddenly visit.   Accidents, wars, floods, substance abuse related incidents, robberies, helplessness morphed into destructive rage or a host of other events are this very moment permanently altering the trajectory of the life of millions of people. There is no reason to think that I am in a “protected bubble” from which I serenely observe the world – where I am in the world but not of the world.  
 
Last night I treated myself to the movie Florence Foster Jenkins starring Meryl Streep and Hugh Grant.   The chief character played by Ms. Streep is a very wealthy patron of music in New York City. Her ambition is to be an opera singer.  Sadly, this very kind woman is not blessed with a voice which can find the key or the notes.  As is true for all of us she has a limited range of gifts.  Because no one in the music world wants to risk forgoing her generous donations she is not told the truth.  Even a famous maestro gives her “singing lessons” and pretends that she has promise as a singer. Near the end of the story she books Carnegie Hall for a performance.  The audience openly mocks her. One of the members of the audience who is married to this wealthy businessman, who is obviously lacking in finishing school polish, stands up and tells them how to behave towards this woman who has given so much to the community.  Although some might have judged this “lower class woman” as “less than” she has more substance than all the finishing school graduates in the audience. Many of the military people in the audience recognize this even it others do not.
 
There are other heroes in this movie, not the least of whom is a diminutive, quiet, young pianist and composer who has an epiphany about the fact that kindness to the singer who cannot sing might be more important than his career, or the husband of Florence, a very mediocre actor, who may have married for money but tenderly and lovingly assured her as she nears death that she has brought much joy to many.   This, of course, is not a lie   The song she sang in day-to-day life was generous and gifted in love even if the operatic voice was not the instrument she wanted.
 
The audience is also told that this very wealthy woman has lived with syphilis for some 50 years – a disease she got from her philandering first husband.  She is in many respects a woman of courage.
 
Earlier in the day I had conversations with some individuals who desperately wanted to be treated with fairness by family members or others whose journeys their journey had intersected.   They were convinced that their happiness and quality of life were dependent on others loving them unconditionally no matter what their past actions.  I reminded them and myself – mostly myself - that if we want unconditional love we have to be willing to give it.  Ironically, many of us “notice” that we are quick to judge those we experience to be judgmental.  We somehow convince ourselves that our ability to love unconditionally is dependent on the other person(s) first loving us unconditionally – forgiving or looking past all past misdeeds.   Yet, if we think about it, the sages who have reminded us that if we do not have the self-respect of “a life well lived” we will not be able to experience love even if it visits.  It will never be enough. There is also some nuance of forgiveness and unconditional love which “the other(s)” miss. 
 
The no class, street woman who stands up in Carnegie Hall clearly reminds the audience of soldiers who are fighting for a more loving and just world that they must first offer it to “the least of them.” In this case, this wealthy, patron of the music world is “the least of them” in terms of her singing voice.  The truth is that we are all “the least of them.” It is perhaps in owning this fact that we take the first step in claiming the only power we have in this brief journey of life – to quit waiting for the other(s) to love unconditionally and to practice doing so ourselves.
 
Written August 21, 2016

​School Bells –Current affairs -  Grade 1 – week 3
 
This is the third week that I am meeting with the first grade class to discuss current affairs.   Week one we introduced ourselves and shared some concerns.  Week two we talked about being told of certain so called facts and why it may be important to question what we learn. Part of our concern was how we learn to be prejudiced or biased and how we retrain ourselves to question what we learned or thought we learned.    I am eager to hear how the first graders have been doing with questioning “facts” and how they are doing with the assignment for this week.  This week’s discussion will be about Tommy’s concern that his mother, an airplane pilot, might die from a crash because an accident or a bomb.    The assignment was to talk to our families about how we learn to deal with such issues as fear.  Here come the students now.
 
Me:  Good morning everyone
 
Class: Good morning Mr. Jim, Uncle Jim
 
Sam raises her hand.
 
Me: Yes Sam.
 
Sam:  What about the cookies Uncle Jim?  Did you bring them?
 
Me:  No, but I did bring notes for parents and other caregivers to sign saying it is okay to have cookies with glutten, nuts and chocolate.   If it is okay with everyone then I will make cookies and bring them.  Sofia and Sam will you pass out the slips.
 
Sofia and Sam take the slips and pass them out.
 
Me:  Has everyone been practicing questioning what is a fact and how it was decided?
 
Sue: My parents said that they don’t know about this class.  Now I ask questions all the time!   They think why and how are the only two words I know.
 
Steve:  My parents suggested that we just focus on questioning one thing every night at dinner. We made up a list of facts we would discuss every night for the next two weeks.
 
Me:  I love that idea. Perhaps the rest of you could share that idea with your family.   Does everyone remember the topic for this week?
 
Class:  Yes.   Fear!
 
Me:  Yes, it is fear or rather how we handle fear.  Everyone will recall that Tommy brought up that he is fearful that his mother, a pilot, will die because of an accidental plane crash or a bomb.  What are some other words for fear?
 
Sue:  Anxious 
 
Me:  Very good.
 
Susie:  Panic, dread.
 
Me:  Great. Any others?
 
Steve:  Terror.
 
Ahmes:  Frightened.
 
Me.  There are a lot of words for fear but what is it.
 
Sam:  An emotion
 
Tommy:    A feeling.
 
Sofia:  A word.
 
Sue:   A funny sinking feeling as if something terrible is going to happen.
 
Steve:  Not being able to sit still or go to sleep.
 
Me:  What does that feeling make us feel like we should do? What is the fear saying?
 
Tera:  Run!
 
Tommy:  Hide!
 
Sam:  Something terrible is going to happen and you cannot stop it.
 
Me:   So fear often tells us that something terrible might happen, that there is nothing we can do, and we should run away or somehow get away from it.   Let’s write those on the board.
What should we say to it?
 
Tommy:  There are plane crashes sometimes. We cannot say it is lying.
 
Me: That is true.  Some people do die in plane crashes.   Not very many in comparison to all the planes flying, but if it is your friend or relative then it does not matter if it is only one out of a million. It is that one which means something to you?
 
Sofia: We could say it is not likely to happen.
 
Tommy:  But it might.
 
Me:  Yes, it might.  What is the real issue here?
 
Sue:   That his mother needs to quit flying?
 
Me:  That would be one solution, but she is not likely to do that and we are still going to get fearful of other possible events.  Should we stop doing everything which might make us or someone we care about fearful?
 
Sam: That would not be good Uncle Jim.
 
Sofia: Does that mean we would not have to take a test if we were fearful of failing?
 
Me: How would be know if we were learning something.  There is always a test of sorts isn’t there.  At some point when we were little we had to try to walk. We may have fallen down  but we kept getting back up and finally we were able to walk.
 
Steve:  Yeah but we might have had a lot of hurt knees!
 
Me:  That is true. Should we not have learned to walk?
 
Sam: Uncle Jim!
 
Ahmes:  Are you saying Mr. Jim that if we all have to take risks?
 
Me:  Tommy what do you think?
 
Tommy: Well, it I did not learn to walk even though I fell I could not be here could I?  I guess mom has to do what she does even though there is some risk.
 
Me:  What would it be like if she just sat at home and never took any risks.
 
Tommy:  She loves to fly. She would be very unhappy which would make me and my dad unhappy.
 
Me:  I wonder if we are saying that it is not fear but what we say to the fear that matters.  Sometimes the fear needs to be in charge.   It would not be good to jump off of something really high unless we were escaping a fire or something like that. On the other hand, if fear was always in charge we would never do learn to walk, fly a plane or do much of anything.    
 
Sam:  Uncle Jim are you saying that it is how we talk to the fear or what we say to it which is important?
 
Me:  Yes, I think my relationship with any emotion is very important. We do not always think of having a relationship with an emotion but we do.  When a feeling such as fear arrives and tells us that something is dangerous or risky we have to have a conversation based on information we gather. 
 
Steve:  So when the fear tells me I probably will stink at playing the piano I should tell it to back off Mr.Jim.
 
Me:  Good example.  Yes, you do not know if you will do well at playing the piano until you try
 
Oh dear.  The time is almost up.  As we did last week talk to your  family about this issue.  Here is a paper describing what we did today. Please share it with your family.   Good job.  See you next week. Next week we are going to talk about Sofia’s concern that the United States will build a wall between here and Mexico preventing her from ever seeing her grandparents. Can we prevent that from happening and learn to work with Mexico and other countries? How can first graders make a difference?
 
Have a good week.
 
Written August 23, 2016
 

​School Bells – 8th grade current affairs – week 3
 
Goodness, these weeks fly by. It is difficult to believe that it is time for my third meeting with the 8th grade class to discuss current affairs. 
 
Me: Good morning class. I hope everyone has been doing well since we last met.
 
This week we are to address Abdul’s concerns about he and his family being sent back to Egypt because some people think that all Muslims are terrorists.   Abdul why don’t you say more about your concerns.
 
Abdul:  There has been a lot of talk about not letting Muslims into this country. Some people say that if you are not yet citizens of the United States and you are Muslim, you could be sent back.  We are from Egypt and want to stay here.  We do not understand why some people think all Muslims are terrorists.  Some Mosques have been set on fire and some Muslims attacked. We are very peaceful.
 
John:  My dad says that all the terrorists are Muslims.
 
Susie:  I talked to my parents and they said that most of the Klu Klux Klan were Christians but not all Christians are racists.
 
Amena:  My family said that some of the terrorists were citizens of the United States already.
 
Me:  I am glad that so many of you did think about and talked to your family about this issue.  It is true that some Muslims are terrorists.  It is not true that all or even most Muslims are terrorists.  It is true that many racists or many anti-gay people are Christians, but not all Christians are racist or anti-gay.
 
Tom:  My uncle is a Christian minister and he is gay. His partner is also a minister. 
 
Me:  It seems as if we are saying that just because:
 
         Some X = Y      where X = muslims and Y equals terrorists.
 
It is not true:
 
         All X = Y
 
If we said that some men are gay. Would it be true that all men are gay?
 
Paul:  That would be dumb Uncle Jim.
 
Amy:  Is this what we call generalization Mr. Jim?
 
Me:  Yes.  It is also called a logical fallacy – a fallacy of composition  - assuming what is true of the part is true of the whole.  Let me put that on the board.   It seems as if we have two fallacies here. They are:
 
·      All terrorists are immigrants.
·      All Muslims are terrorists.
 
Have some of the terrorists in this country and others been citizens of the country in which the terrorist act occurred?
 
Abdul:  Several of them have been citizens of that country.
 
Me: Yes, they have.  The other issue, of course, is the question of what constitutes a terrorist action. Are all violent actions terrorist actions or is there a lot of disagreement about what actions should be labeled as terrorists actions?
 
Paul:  My mom and I googled the word terrorist.  I know you Uncle Jim. You are always making us look up words.
 
Me: What did you find out Paul?
 
Paul:  The FBI in the United States has one definition, but lots of other people have many different definitions. Some violent people could just be angry or someone else might be mentally ill.  Someone else might be want to be part of a group such as Isis.
 
Me:  That is right Paul. Very good. ( Paul and his sister are very acquainted with my habit of looking up definitions.)
 
Paul: Yes! (sigh)
 
Me:  What is another world for generalizing when it comes to people?
 
John:   Profiling?
 
Me: Very good John.  There is a lot of talk about profiling.  Class, what is meant when some person uses this term?
 
Will:   Assuming that just because someone is black or gay or a woman that he or she to going to do or be something?
 
Me:  Outstanding Will.  I am impressed.  
 
Will:  My parents and I talked about this.  My father says that as a black male I am more likely to be stopped by the police.
 
Me: Sadly, that is true in many places in the United States.
 
Ring, ring, ring  - indicating class time is up
 
Me:  Goodness, the time went very quickly.  You all did a wonderful job. I am very impressed with your thoughtful approach.  Next week we will be discussing Tom’s concern about why some people are so uncomfortable with people who are transgendered.   I am again recommending that you talk to family members about this issue.
 
Thanks. See you next week.  Class dismissed. 
 
Written August 22, 2016

​Seven-year-old Sam explores anxiety
 
My adopted niece Sam is now seven and in the first grade.   I have not seen a lot of her the first two weeks of school,  but I am teaching an experimental current affairs class to her first grade class and to her brother’s 8th grade class.    I was delighted when she called and asked to come over last evening after school.  Fortunately, there were plenty of chocolate chip cookies in the freezer. I also had crème cheese which I used to fill the celery stalks.  Her favorite juice is cranberry which I always keep on hand.
 
I look out and there she comes across the path which we recently had paved between her house and mine. 
 
Sam lightly knocks and then opens the door.
 
Me: Hi!  How is my favorite niece?
 
Sam:  I am fine Uncle Jim.
 
She sees the snacks.
 
Sam:  Oh goody.  I am starved Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Great. Is that enough of a snack or do you want something else?
 
Sam:  This is good Uncle Jim.  Thanks.
 
Me: How is school Sam?
 
Sam:   It is good but I have homework now.  That makes Paul happy.  I think he is glad that he is not the only one to have homework.
 
Me:  I bet he is.
 
Sam: Uncle Jim.  Why do we get anxious?  I know that I did well in kindergarten but I am afraid that I am not as smart as the other kids.  Paul has always done well and what if I don’t do as well?   I want to go to school and I have fun but then I get home and I worry.  Why is that Uncle Jim? Is worry the same as anxiety Uncle Jim?   What if everyone is smarter than me? What if…
 
Me:  Oh my!  Take breath Sam. Remember what I taught you about taking a breath?   We have not tried the alternate nostril breathing in some time. Suppose we try that now.
 
Sam:  Oh!  Okay Uncle Jim, but …
 
Me: Let’s review.  You are right handed.  Hold your right index finger on your forehead between your eyes.
 
Sam: Like this?
 
Me:  Yes. Very good Sam.  Now take your thumb and close the right side of your nose.  Breathe in your left nostril for a count of five.  Now hold your breath for a count of four.  Then use your right middle finger to close off your left nostril while taking your thumb off your right nostril.  Then breathe out slowly for a count of five.
 
Sam takes a deep breath really fast and then lets it out fast.
 
Sam:  Oops.  I did not count Uncle Jim. I forgot how hard this is.
 
Me: That is fine Sam. We have not practiced for some time.  Let’s try again.  Take a breath really slowly and count.
 
Sam: Why are we counting Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  I think it helps because if I am concentrating on counting I am not thinking so much about what I was worried about.
 
Sam: Why can’t we just tell our mind to “Shut up!”  Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  We could but that does not seem to work for most of us Sam.  It certainly does not help me.
 
Sam:  Me either.  My mind acts as if it is in charge of me and doesn’t listen to me at all.  Why won’t it behave when I tell it to Uncle Jim?
 
Me: It does seem strange. Just think one part of your mind is telling another part to do something.  Parts of our mind just do not listen to each other, do they Sam?
 
Sam: It is as if there are two us.  Does our mind have children like my mommy did Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Not exactly but it certainly feels that way at times doesn’t it Sam.  One part of our mind gets very worried about not doing well or something else bad happening. The other part knows that we are will be okay but then the other part says, “Well, maybe, this time you will fail.”  It is strange how our mind does that.
 
Sam: Does everyone worry Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Well, I do not know about everyone, but everyone I know, worries at times. Shall we practice the breathing again Sam?
 
Sam:  Okay. Am I smart Uncle Jim?
 
Me: Yes, you are very smart and you have been very lucky to have parents and others to help you learn to read and do other things.  Not everyone is as lucky as you.
 
Sam: That is not fair is it Uncle Jim.
 
Me: No, but sometimes people have other gifts which are just as important.
 
Sam:  Like what Uncle Jim?
 
Me: Well, my friend Kevin’s brother is not as smart in terms of books and things but he does not worry so much and just accepts that he only has to do his best.
 
Sam: Oh. Yeah!  I like him. He is always nice.
 
Me:  Do you want to practice the breathing. Show me and I will follow your instructions.
 
Sam:  Okay. Uncle Jim watch what I do. I am putting my index finger on my forehead and holding the right side of my nose closed with my thumb. I count to four, hold for three and then hold the left side of my nose closed with my middle finger while breathing out for four.
 
Me: Wow! You remembered all of that Sam!  I am very impressed. You are very smart. We only reviewed it once and you remembered.
 
Sam: I guess. Will I do good in school?
 
Me: I think you will do very good.   How is the worry Sam?
 
Sam: I forgot Uncle Jim. (She snickers!)
 
Me:  That is great.  The worry may come back but you know what to do and you KNOW that you are smart and will do really well.  Of course you have to do your homework with your mom or dad every night.
 
Sam: Every night?
 
Me: Well not every night on the weekends, but most nights. 
 
Sam:  Paul is in the eighth grade and he has lots of homework.
 
Me: I know but he is doing it isn’t he.
 
Sam: Yes, we both have to study at the kitchen table and he tells me to shut up!
 
Me:  He is also worried and trying to concentrate.
 
Sam:  He is not worried. He says that he is not worried.
 
Me: Well, perhaps he is not as worried as you,  but I know he worries a little.  He is in the 8th grade.
 
Sam:  I know. Will I ever be in the eighth grade, Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Yes, before you know it.   Do you need more to eat or drink?
 
Sam:  No thanks Uncle Jim.  Thank you.
 
Me: You are welcome.   Anytime you worry you know you can call or come over.
 
Sam: Bye Uncle Jim. 
 
Off she goes across the path.
 
Written August 19, 2016

​The fallacy of legislating behavior
 
A recent conversation and a 2014 Ted talk to which I listened for the 2nd or 3rd time this morning prompted me, one again, to think about the role of rules in my professional and personal life.
 
The recent conversation occurred because I am in the process of moving and will have to decide if I am going to conduct my greatly reduced psychotherapy practice out of my home or to continue to only interact with client via. phone, face time/skype, email, and text.  There are some legitimate concerns about whether I see client in a home office. If one has a home office, then there are insurance concerns in case a client falls or otherwise gets hurt on the premises.  Type of insurance also is affected by the amount of expensive office equipment one has. I understand these concerns.  
 
One might think it is simple to decide if one is doing business in one’s home and then make appropriate decisions regarding insurance.  This is not always the case.  For example,  I am moving back to the geographical area where I had a large home psychotherapy practice for a number of years.   Many of those who periodically employed me were also colleagues.  Thus, I had, what is usually referred to in our profession as dual relationships with many people.  One moment they might be there as a colleague or a friend and the next they might be there for clinical consultation in my role as clinical supervisor or they might be there as a client.  Sometimes folks who previously were clients stop by to share with me how well they are doing, to ask a brief question or for a “refresher moment”. 
 
There are those individual who very clearly want and need a very specific appointment for “therapy” and/or those who clearly need me to stay in the therapy role any time I see them – even at the local grocery store.  Those are limited relationships
 
I am also 76-year-old which, for some, clearly put me in the role of mentor, elder, substitute uncle or grandfather to whom they come for a listening ear, direction or advice.   Some of these may have previously been a client and some may not have been.
 
When I functioned in a full time psychotherapy practice I had an office manager who often did more therapy/counseling that I did.  She was not licensed but she was often the one to whom people talked when they called or while they were waiting to see me.  She was a very wise, compassionate person who clients/patients considered an equal member of the healing team.     There was a gifted and loving person who helped with cleaning. If she was there when a “client” stopped by they might chat with her.    For a time, there was also a psychiatrist who used another office in my home part-time.   She talked to my clients and I talked with her patients.
 
Both the psychiatrist and I are licensed by the states in which we practice We also are members of professional organizations.  Each licensing board and professional organization have an ever expanding written code of ethics which attempt to cover every possible scenario between a professional and their clients/patients.  These rules are an attempt to clearly define who is a client/patient,  the boundaries of the relationship, how to protect confidentiality, and what to do if a professional is abusive or inappropriate.   The theory is that professionals cannot be trusted to decide what is ethical and appropriate and that every person and situation can be viewed through the microscope of these many rules.  Different professional organizations often have different rules.
 
Clearly clinicians –therapists, physicians, and others – are sometimes inappropriate.  Some live with various additions or other conditions which may not be successfully treated – alcohol, drug, money, power, sex, food and other addictions which may adversely affect their behavior with clients/patients.  If the addiction or other illness is in charge, that person cannot be effective in their professional or personal roles.  Clients/patients need to be educated about how to fire those individuals.    Theoretically they can also report that person to the professional organization so that they can get help.   In practice the clinician may be punished rather than helped and/or may be sued for “damages”.   Clearly we need to identify and help those clinicians and also sure that clients/patients get the help they need.
 
I am not convinced that having a very detailed code of ethics is helpful for the clients/patients or the clinicians.   There is really only one rule:  Keep the needs of the client primary. If one does not have the time, energy, health, or expertise to help a client/patient then one needs to help the client/patient find the type and level of help they need. Most mental health clinicians know that the number of rules does not usually correlate with creative performance for adults or children. Ye, we continue to operate as if that is the case.
 
We also do the same in the workplace, in schools, in government agencies and business organizations.  We seem to begin with the assumption that people of any age cannot be trusted. We spend a lot of energy attempting to prevent sloth, laziness, cheating, or any other way of failing to “behave” appropriately.  This brings me to the October 2014 Ted Talk by Ricardo Semier, “How to run a company with (almost) no rules. Mr. Ricardo’s company was/is:
 
“…a complicated company with thousands of employees, hundreds of millions of dollars of business that makes rocket fuel propellent systems, runs 4,000 ATMs in Brazil, and does income tax preparation for dozens of thousands. So this is not a simple business.”
 
He and others in the company:
 
“… said things like, why can't people set their own salaries? What do they need to know? There's only three things you need to know: how much people make inside the company, how much people make somewhere else in a similar business and how much we make in general to see whether we can afford it. So let's give people these three pieces of information. So we started having, in the cafeteria, a computer where you could go in and you could ask what someone spent, how much someone makes, what they make in benefits, what the company makes, what the margins are, and so forth. And this is 25 years ago.”
 
They let employees decide when to work, what to wear to work, how much they needed to accomplish and many other aspects of their work life.  The company thrived.  Certainly there are times when a person is unable to do a job or is not a good fit for this atmosphere, but, in general, most people functioned better when treated with respect.
 
Mr. Ricardo has also successfully worked with schools to basically apply the same principles. 
 
These concepts are also consistent with the theories of such workplace consultants as Margaret Hefferman who talks about the social contract in the workplace as well as with the experience of those who manage Silicon Valley startups companies.
 
It would seem that if we want to bring out the best in each other we need to consider the following:
 

• Coercion through rules or other methods do not bring out the best is us humans  - in terms of production, creativity or health.
• We can trust each other to do our best most of the time unless some illness or condition hinders us.
• Peers at any age will tend to informally determined what behavior can be tolerated by team members.
• Ownership in the process and outcome will normally determine the extent to which we do our best to achieve a goal. This approach benefits everyone involved.

 
When someone is unable to function in a particular job or situation because of lack of talent, training or health issues, offering help/guidance instead  of punishment will be the most effective approach. We sometimes may need to take a look at how and when we can legally take steps to protect both the sick individuals and those who may be directly affected by the person’s inability to function.   
 
There are a minority of individuals without a diagnosable condition who are unable to treat themselves and others with respect.  The general label for these individuals is sociopath.  No one asked to have their brain function this way.  People who are unable to treat others with respect may need to be in a protected environment where behavior is clearly regulated.  Even in this situation individuals deserve to be treated with respect.
 
Written August 18, 2016