​Who are citizens of these United States?
 
Surprise!  While at the gym this Friday morning I was listening to the latest On Being podcast with host Krista Tippett. This week her conversation is with historian and Harvard professor, Annette Gordon-Reed and artist Titus Kaphar.  The title given to their conversation is “Are We Actually Citizens Here?” They are asking this question from the vantage point of living as African Americans (I defer to their right to identify themselves as such although I have an issue with using the word American as a synonym for the United States. Obviously, the United States is just one of the Americas.) but they are also asking a broader question about immigrants, Native American, those who have been convicted of certain crimes and no longer have the right to vote, women, members of the LBGT community and all of those to whom we give lip service to the title of citizen. 
 
It seems to me that as we approach July 4th or Independence Day it is not only appropriate but necessary to ask this question.  Historically, we have formally denied full citizenship to many including those we decided were Negro or black even though many, if not most, also had white ancestors; all females who for many years were not allowed to vote, own property or claim other rights granted to adult males deemed to be white;  members of the GLBT community who until relatively recently would often be locked up in prison or forced into treatment to change them; to anyone who had the misfortune of being convicted of a particular crime when the primary crime may have been not being able to afford a good attorney or being someone the judge saw as more likely to be guilty; immigrants who may not have the money or other resources to jump through the hoops to become citizens, or those who first settled these lands, the Native Americans.
 
I am perfectly willing to grant full citizenship to those so-called business people who do not honor legal agreements, who use bankruptcy laws and very good attorneys to avoid honoring debts and other agreements.  I am perfectly willing to honor the citizenship of those who have raped the land and destroyed communities or otherwise made a profit off the backs of other men and women.  I am perfectly willing to grant citizenships to those who make a lot of money by keeping wages and other benefits low and then donating a lot of money to some “worthy cause” because  this allows them to morph into community saints, benefactors or philanthropists.    I am perfectly willing to honor the citizenship status to those who use “illegals” to care for their children, clean their bathrooms and other rooms of their homes, mow their lawns, pick their crops and do other tasks most of us do not want or do not have to do.
 
I am perfectly willing to honor the citizenship of those whose money got them elected to a position which includes gold quality health insurance, but vote to refuse health care to millions of others while recommending that we spend billions more on weapons to destroy those we label as the enemy even though there is no evidence that such actions bring long term peace and a more just world. 
 
I am even willing to honor the citizenship of those who take advantage of the “market” to keep people from being able to afford decent (in some cases any) housing while the very same landlords buy a vacation house or two.
 
I am even willing to honor the citizenship to CEOs and other top officials of pharmaceutical companies and presidents of colleges who make millions while raising the price for their goods or services higher and higher thus making them unaffordable for many.
 
I am willing to honor the citizenships of those who feel so disenfranchised that they support politicians who seem unable to treat anyone who disagrees with them with a modicum of decency.
 
I am a proud citizen who applauds the freedom to honor the citizenship status of all those who comprise the community living in these United States.  Yes, I too, claim full citizens’ rights and privileges.  I am well aware that there are many countries whose leaders could have me imprisoned for publicly announcing that “The Emperor has no clothes.”  I am grateful for living in a country where I am free to challenge who we are as a nation and, thus, ask who is a citizen. At the same time, I know that as Heraclitus said, “You cannot step into the same river twice.”    Either we go forward in walking the walk and talking the talk regarding citizenship or we go backwards. 
 
(Although the On Being conversation between Ms. Tippett and her guests, Dr. Gordon-Reed and Mr. Kaphar inspired me to write the above, these are my words, not theirs.  I urge the reader to listen to the podcast of their challenging and inspiring conversation.)
 
Written June 30, 2017

​Dualistic thinking
 
As the July 4th holiday in the United States approaches, some will have the luxury of having a long weekend and being able to plan and spend time with loved ones.  Since it is summer many will gather in parks and other public spaces. There will be food, games, perhaps music and for some so called recreational drugs including alcohol.  Some will drink or use more than is normal for them and, if lucky, will have arranged their plans so that they do not drive or otherwise endanger themselves and others.  Some will intentionally get drunk, stoned or high.  Many of those who do so will be fine. They will be happy and perhaps even silly or just pleasantly zoned out.  Although their behavior may shift parenting or other duties onto their partners, as long as it is not a frequent occurrence there may not be any significant negative consequences.  Some will deliberately choose a type of alcohol or other substance which has a history of making them mean or at the very least very unpleasant.   Few, if any, of these people have the disease of alcoholism or other drug addictions.  Those with addictions will behave the same as they normally do although some may use the holiday as their excuse de jour.
 
I will not increase my alcohol use or do any other recreational drugs this weekend.  I am blessed to not have an addictive disease. In fact, I have never had the experience of getting drunk.  If I drink more than a glass or two of wine or two beers I do not pass go on my way to the bathroom.  I never reach that stage of numbness or happy loss of inhibition before I get ill.   Thus, there is no attraction to getting drunk or high for me.  I do not like to be physically sick and the thought of losing control is frightening to me.  I like having a reasonably clear mind and being able to have a considered response to whatever life throws my way.  Naturally I know that, at another level, control is also an illusion.  Still, I like both the reality and the illusion of control.  Fortunately, I can be pretty silly and uninhibited without any chemical assistance.
When others talk about the pleasure of getting drunk or high I cannot identify with them or even be particularly empathetic.  I do believe and accept that others cannot understand why I would not enjoy getting high or numbing my feelings just as I cannot understand why getting high and/or numbing feelings is pleasurable for many.  Furthermore, I really have a difficult time accepting that some otherwise sane person would use some substance which has the potential of making them act angry and mean only to have to make amends later.  Obviously, at some level there is enough pleasure or benefit from the experience to make the risk worthwhile.
 
Most readers know that in addition to being a Licensed Professional Counselor I am also a Certified Addiction counselor.  Those who know either my personal history of the minimal use of alcohol and complete avoidance of other recreational drugs and/or my status as an addition counselor are not likely to invite me to gatherings this weekend which include drinking or the use of other drugs as an activity. I am not talking about being invited to a gathering which include a glass or two of alcohol consumed during a meal or a visit.  In that case I am not, in the words of a friend with whom I talked this morning, being invited to partly. I am being invited to visit while incidentally enjoying a drink or two.   Having a nonparty person at a gathering which includes partying is not fun for the nonparty person or the rest of the gathering.  It makes everyone uncomfortable.  I am likely to have a much better time at home reading a good book.   If I have a moment of loneliness or of being left out, I may need to remind myself that I am alone by choice.  I can always call or visit some of my friends who do not party. Some of those may even be in recovery and will be very welcoming if I join them.
 
There could be a tendency for the party folks to judge the nonparty folks. There is just as likely to be a tendency for the nonparty folks to judge the party folks.  One could even be a bit self-righteous or arrogant which may be just as unattractive.  I can certainly own the fact that, for whatever reasons, I am uncomfortable being around folks who may be getting drunk or high. I do not need to explain or justify my choice.  I do not have judge others or think I am superior in some ways. It is true that I am different than those who enjoy or are okay with getting drunk or otherwise high just as they are different than I am.
 
One of my ongoing spiritual goals has been to let go of my habit of labeling persons, actions, or situations as good or bad, right or wrong, moral or immoral.  I am kept quite busy choosing what seems best for me in this moment.  These decisions are not about attempting to be better than or competing with others. In fact, they have nothing to do with others. Obviously, what is best for me does not adversely affect or harm others nor does it harm mother nature.  For this human, non-dualistic thinking does not seem to come “naturally”.  For today I want to be very intentional about noticing and gently letting go of such thinking.  This holiday weekend in the United States may be a rich opportunity to practice that intention.
 
Written June 29, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 

​“Carbonated holiness”
 
I borrowed this phrase from Ann Lamott who, in an April, 2017 Ted Talk entitled “12 Things I Know for Sure” said “Laughter really is carbonated holiness…It helps us breath again and again, and gives up back to ourselves.”  She says this in the context of the listing of the 10 things she knows for sure, “Grace is a powerful thing.”  She says, “The mystery of grace is that God loves Henry Kissinger and Vladimir Putin and me exactly as much as He or She loves your new grandchild.”
I have often listened to talks by Ann Lamott.  Several of her recordings are on my smartphone so that I can listen to them while working out at the gym.  Her talks sit alongside those of Pema Chodron, the Buddhist nun.  They are equally valuable to my spiritual growth.   Both of these women are, I think, deeply spiritual, have a great sense of humor and speak in a way which validates the common humanness of all of us.  It is interesting that both of these women also have a connection to the 12-step recovery program.   Ms. Chodron has a daughter-in-law who in in recovery for the disease of alcoholism and Ms. Lamott herself is in recovery for alcoholism.  Both women talk with one and never to one or, most important, down to one.  They are women who, to the best of my knowledge, work hard to walk the walk of spiritual growth which means, in part, that they often fall short of this goals. They also both recognize that the concept of Grace is, from a human perspective, ridiculous.  Really!  Grace, as I understand it is unconditional love.  As Ms. Lamott says no matter how much we humans demonstrate that we are capable of unkind, even cruel and just plain stupid behavior; no matter how often we resolve to do better and fail miserably; no matter how often we commit to treating ourselves and others as sacred and can only hold on to that commitment for 3 seconds; no matter how many good or bad deeds we do, Grace says that we are equally deserving of unconditional love.  This seems terribly unfair.  After all, how can I be compared to someone who was responsible for the Holocaust or terrible injustices in Russia, those who want to deny healthcare to millions of people, the person who sexually abuses young children or…. Surely that is unjust. Why bother to work so hard to earn points for feeding the homeless, being a responsible parent, or forgiving my enemy if “one of those other evil people” earn just as many points.  That is the point, isn’t it?   Grace is not dependent on our very unscientific system for counting points.  In fact, Grace has nothing to do with points or earning respect or love. Grace is, from a human concept, this ridiculous concept, rule or whatever it is.  Yet, the God of my understanding or the universe tells me that we are all part of a whole. Yes, it matters that we do the very best we can to be a loving, responsible, person who uses the talents we have to create a more loving world.  Yes, it is better if we face our “character defects” and our illnesses which keep us from being our best.  Yes, I will have a more complete life and give more if I am daily intentional about spiritual growth – whatever that means.  Yes, I want to do my best to do the next right thing.   Yes, daily the more I attempt to prove my worth, to earn the respect of others, to be this spiritual giant the more I fail.  In my mind, the more I fail, the more the God of my understanding just smiles. Actually, it is not a smile but often, I think, a fill belly laugh.
The paradox is, of course, that the more I try to prove my worth the more I show my worst side – the more I fail.   If, however, I begin from a position of worth and just do my very best the more I will come closer to being that human who can smile when I look in the mirror.
When I see clients for counseling who are intent on making a big deal out of being this very talented, loving, cruel, stupid, bright, silly human I often ask if they have considered wearing a costume which is as dramatic as the drama they are acting out.   More often than not, the person looks at me as if I have missed the point and/or are making fun of them.  Yet, the point is that unless we learn to laugh along with Anne Lamott and Pema Chodron we will be miserable no matter how much we try to the “good”.
It seems to me that the God of my understanding is laughter or as Ms. Lamott says, “carbonated holiness”.  If the God of our understanding took us as serious as we take ourselves, we would not be worth loving. It is because He, She, it does not take us so seriously – is perfectly okay with our imperfect perfection – that Grace is even possible.  
 
Unlike the bear, the skunk, the pig, cow, chicken, lion or all the other living creature’s we humans have a terrible time accepting the obvious. This obvious is that we are human.  Unlike the other animals we can broadcast our naked silliness. We can put in in print, send instant messages, put it on film, send it out on the airwaves and like the emperor with no clothes convince ourselves that no one will notice that, in our nakedness, we are not that different from all the others doing the same thing.  We can either cry about that or have a good belly laugh and move on towards acceptance which, of course, is Grace.
 
Written June 28, 2017
 

​Professional relationships
 
Yesterday, I made yet another call to an “expert” regarding the fact that my printer, phone and computer will not stay connected to my internet connection.  At first I thought the problem was just with the printer. When I could not fix the problem, I called the company that has provided expert, professional printer/copy service in the past.  Twice they came and thought that they had fixed the problem, but it turned out the fix was very temporary.  I called the internet provider who claimed that they had made no changes which affects how my router works. This had previously been an issue with another internet provided which resulted in the purchase of my current router. Finally, I called the company which makes and sells the router I am using.  After patiently listening to all I had done to attempt to fix the problem myself they stated emphatically that the internet company had indeed made changes which affected how the router I now have functions.  The very pleasant technical expert to whom I talked informed me that I needed to purchase a new router which, with tax, would cost close to $200.00.  I did check on line while I was talking to him to see if the price he offered was the best I could do.  It was.   I ordered it and now await its arrival.
 
The above experience reminded me how much I depend of the expertise and professionalism of others.  I know that when I call the company I use for printer and copier service that they will be completely honest with me about what they know, what they guess and what they do not know.  I also know that they will not belittle my lack of expertise regarding these machines.  I really appreciate this.  Although I may be disappointed if they are not able to fix a problem, I trust their opinion about the next step I should take.  I have a lot less faith in the staff of the internet provider. The corporation is a large, international one.  My experience with them is that the staff who are generally pleasant are under pressure to deal with customers as efficiently as possible so as to process a lot of customers without the need for additional staff.  This is not the first time what I have sensed that they were telling me some “fact” which may not have been true.  Their staff also seemed to be trained to blame the customer for the problem and to limit their interaction with other staff members.   The rules for how the staff are to function seem very precise. The expectation is that rules will be followed without any reliance on common sense.
 
This corporation is the only internet provider available at the address at which my home is located.  It seems that another internet provider in the area is not allowed to serve intercity area homes and businesses.  Where I previously lived there were several options available for internet service.  The provider I choose was also a smaller company than the corporation with whom I now do business.
 
I have also notice that sometimes when I see a professional it seems as if they or their staff are reluctant to talk about money or give the impression that if one has to ask or talk about money that one should not be their customer. It is easy, under these circumstances, to begin to feel some amount of shame regarding monetary issues.
 
I list all these examples because for me, as a professional, I want to provide the most loving, competent, non-shame inducing service possible.  Noticing how I feel with other service providers is very helpful in evaluating how I provide service.   While there are many factors that affect the service, I offer and how it is received, the following are, I think, especially important:
 

• Listen carefully to what the customer/client is saying.
• Be honest about what one knows and does not know.
• If one forgets something a client/customer tells one, ask for the information again. Apologize and write down what the person tells one.
• One size does not fit all.  if, for whatever reason, the standard recommended approach does not feel right to the client/customer, then explore an alternative solution/plan.
• Be sensitive to concerns about cost. Do one’s best to not create shame around the issue of money.
• Be quick to refer to someone who may be a better fit for a client/customer.
• Avoid canned questionnaire about the quality of service. Ask what might have been more helpful/effective.
• Greet the client/customer by name and connect with them as a person by shaking hands, and having eye contact. 
• Do not call female customers/clients honey, sweetie or another name with which you would not address a male customer/client.
• If not feeling well or distracted for any reason be honest about that with the client/customer without making the appointment time about you.
• Be on time or acknowledge that one is running late and apologize. If one is running more than 10 minutes later offer the client/customer the option of rescheduling.
• If someone else in your business/company can provide a service or needs to provide a service to a particular customer or client, then talk to that co-worker.  Often one can take the client/customer and introduce them to the co-worker. If contact is via phone offer to have co-worker call the client/customer.
• Remember that the client/customer is a person and not just a source of income.   No one likes to be treated as an object. On the other hand, most clients/customers do not want to be treated in an overly familiar manner.
• Let go of expectations of the client/customer.   Expectations that the client/customer has to do your plan your way is not kind or helpful.  If, for example, a client. /customer of mine who is struggling with addiction decides that they are not ready for recovery than respect that choice and let them know that if they change their mind you will be there. I often check in with clients who are not scheduling via text or email with a “Just thinking of you. Hope you are doing well.” or “let me know if I can be supportive in any way. Blessings Jim.”  I will ask them if they wish for me to check in with them.

 
For me, the bottom line is that the time I spend with clients/customers is real time for both of us.  No matter what the business issue, the time spent between a service provider and a customer/client is a moment in time on this life journey between two or more people.    Work time is not time while waiting for one’s real life.  Work time is life.  The interaction with the client/customer may be the last personal contact in this life journey for one of you.  I need/want to ask myself, “What is I want to leave with this client who may be living their last breath?  What is I want from the client/customer if this is the last moment of my life journey?”  Obviously, I need to give what I want.
 
Paradoxically the less I treat a business relationship as ‘just’ a business relationship, the more likely my business will grow.
 
Written June 27, 2017
 
 

​Grandma says: “Respect your elders.  Always say sir and madam
 
Actually, Grandma Fannie was not the only adult to frequently remind me and my siblings that all adults - all elders – were to be respected.  One of the behaviors which indicated respect was to always respond to a question or a command from an adult with yes sir/madam or no sir/madam.  Asking why or any behavior short of unquestioned obedience was sure to elicit the displeasure of the adult.  Explaining that one behaved in such and such a manner because of the behavior of another child or, God forbid, an adult was clearly a symptom of a temporary lapse in sanity, common sense or that the devil or some other “disease” had taken over one’s mind.  If one slipped and audibly mumbled something it was clear to the adult that you were unable to control your tongue and asking for help in doing do.
 
It might seem to us children that clearly some adults did not deserve respect or were just plain mean, but one did not dare voice that opinion to another adult.  Since many of our homes did not have a telephone and, if one did, the telephone was for emergencies only and since we have never heard of child protective services, our only option was to give the adult a facsimile of a sincere, respectful “Yes sir/madam.” or No Madam/sir.”  Any symptom of surliness might elicit a suggestion that such an ungrateful child might look for another home. 
 
I think that I was in my early twenties the first time that some child addressed me as sir.  Rather than feeling honored that I had finally, as a white male, reached adult status, I had very mixed feelings. I was, of course, happy to be finally of an age which deserve respect based solely on chronological status.  On the other hand, since, in my mind, all real adult were old.  I was somewhat insulted to be considered old. Besides, with my blond hair and slight statue, I still saw a very young child when I peered into a mirror.
 
Much has changed since Grandma Fannie first attempted to teach us children to respect adults.   No longer are adults necessarily addressed with sir and madam until one reaches the stages in life when one is clearly older than dirt.   I have been older than dirt for some time now and well aware that when someone says “After you sir.”  “Can I help you sir.” it is because they fail to see that I am still a vibrant, sexy, muscled, young person.  I am not sure how they fail to perceive these obvious facts.  Far from sir being a respectful form of address I hear it as the insult it is clearly meant to be.
 
I digress.   Clearly Grandma Fannie wanted to teach us children that it was okay that we did not know much and adults were there to teach us what it meant to not only respect adults but oneself and other children.   Actually, if one asked a why question in what was considered a respectful manner, one earned the admiration of Grandma Fannie.  When I think about it Grandma Fannie did not condone speaking disrespectfully to anyone in her home. She may or may not have fully come to terms with the fact that she had Native American heritage herself, but any Native American who visited her home or in whose presence we found ourselves was to be treated with respect.  Other children also deserved respect.   
 
With Grandma Fannie, it was easy to give respect because it felt as if one was treated with respect.  There might have been some adults in one’s life who one felt did not treat one with respect but Grandma Fannie would not have accepted that as a reason for being disrespectful.  Although I do not recall her ever using the serenity prayer as a teaching tool, in fact she wanted children in her home to know that no matter how others behaved one was responsible for behaving in a way which was consistent with the core values one had been taught.  There were no exceptions to this rule. What one had control over was one’s behavior. One could not control the behavior of other people. One needed to focus on what one can control – one’s behavior.
 
Although I am grateful that much of our society has decided that racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism, respect for the mentally and the intellectually challenged is not acceptable or moral, I am saddened that, along the way, to moral growth, something has been lost.  It seems as if many now justify disrespectful behavior because of what others did or did not do.  Often it seems as if it has become acceptable to blame others for unkind, disrespectful behavior.  Sadly, it also seems as if the mandate to quit treating others with disrespect based on gender, race, sexual orientation, nationality, religion, age, mental and physical capacity is now being discounted.  Some are deriding “political correctness” as if it is again okay to treat others who have socially constructed differences with disrespect.   
 
While Grandma Fannie had not yet been challenged to think past what she had learned about race, sexual orientation and other discriminatory practices, if she was alive today I think that she would be challenging herself or her family to broaden our concept of respect and, thus, our treatment of “all God’s children”.
 
Yes, sir/madam and no sir/madam, please, and thank you may seem too “old fashioned” but perhaps it is time to rethink some of what we have apparently relegated to the trash of useless niceties.     I think Grandma Fannie would agree.
 
Written June 26, 2017

​Sunday Musings – June 25, 2017
 
Every Sunday morning when I sit down at the computer to reflect on the week with particular emphasis on what I have learned or relearned all the events of the week seem to blend together to form this impressionistic gestalt.  I know that each day and the week overall consisted on many small events which often seemed unrelated to each other.  Yet, together they cover the canvas which depicts my life journey. This canvas is what I will leave when I complete the few moments which is allotted to each of us in this life journey.    Attending the funeral of a young man who was killed by gunshot was a poignant reminder, once again, of the tenuous and brief time we are allotted for this journey.  The gathering of a very diverse group of people for the celebration of the life of this young man was a reminder of the fact that most, of not all of us, touch the lives of many people.   In fact, on a typical day, I know that I have some sort of direct or indirect contact with many people even though I am working at home much of the day.   I begin my day with a lot of virtual contact via text, email and Facebook messaging even before I head to the gym which is generally crowded. I have some interaction with several of those at the gym.   How I touch just their lives may affect how they touch the lives of others that day.
 
I met with a number of those for whom I work – psychotherapy clients – this week.  There were times when,instead of deeply listening, I talked much too much.   I say deep listening because I know it is important to listen to what is not being said or otherwise directly communicated.    I was often reminded that I have no answers.  At times, I may be able to help identify some helpful questions or just assure someone that it is enough to be them.  Time after time I was reminded that all of us are more than a label.  Labels such as addict, co-dependent, attachment, mentally ill, wife, mother, father, husband, lover, client, worker, therapist fill only a tiny space on the canvas of our lives.
 
A few times I was successful in “holding my tongue” or stilling my fingers on the keyboard.  A major goal of mine is to not react to an event or a person.  It if feels as if another person is disrespecting me, discounting my worth, telling me something I hear as an insult, I am tempted to react with passive or active anger. My goal has been to focus on my breath and to wait until I can respond with love.  I “know” that I have had a role in the dynamics of the relationship even though I might be initially tempted to blame them and not take any of the responsibility.
 
I was also successful a few times in “just noticing” my difficulty in loving unconditionally without any expectations.  Even though I say that I want to love without any expectations, this does not come naturally to this human. Although I have made progress in remembering my goal, I continue to fall short.  Chastising myself is not helpful. Just noticing with goal of tiny steps of progress is enough for today.
 
Obviously, although routine in many respects, it has been a week of opportunity to walk the walk as well as talk the talk.   I am reminded of the last lines of the poem by Robert Frost:
 
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
 
BY ROBERT FROST
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods, fill up with snow.
 
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
 
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
 
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
(poetryfoundation.org)
 
Written June 25, 2017

​Prayer?
 
Earlier today I was listening to the rebroadcast of the December 17, 2015 podcast of the conversation between Martin Sheen the actor and social activist and Krista Tippett the host of On Being.  Towards the end of the interview, Mr. Sheen asks Ms. Tippett:

“Do you ask people, in your interviews, if they pray or how they pray or what they pray or what does prayer mean to them.”
 
I have often thought about the term prayer which is usually defined as begging or entreating or giving thanks to some divine being or presence.  Most of us often find ourselves in situations – public meetings, funerals, wedding, visiting in a hospital or others – in which we might be invited or even asked to pray. 
 
Frequently I am in a setting involving a 12-step recovery program and invited to join in saying the serenity prayer or occasionally, The Lord’s prayer.  Since I come out of a Christian background and framework I have no qualms about repeating either of these prayers.  I do not feel a need to come to some agreement on what is meant by the term God or higher being.  I am also comfortable if I find myself asked to join in prayer in a Jewish Temple or during a Muslim call to prayer.   I am well aware that everyone present in any of these situations has their own set of beliefs about what is meant by the word God.  Many people that I know do not have any positive association with this term.  Some consider themselves atheists and, thus, cannot related to the term God or prayers.
 
I am perfectly comfortable using the term God, but do not necessarily associate it with a divine being. I do, however associate it with a presence.  This presence is something which is more than me but includes me.  
 
Prayer for me is an attempt to connect with a universal presence.  If I had to draw this connection I would have a plug connected to a wire coming out of my quiet center which I plug into a master circuit board.  When plugged in I am connected to all the loving energy of the universe.  Since it is an interactional circuit this energy can then be directed towards those who are in any sort of pain or discomfort, to those facing danger or those beginning a new chapter in their lives. 
 
There have been many scientific studies validating the fact that the energy of a healing team, including a surgery team, affects the outcome of what that team is doing.  We all know that we become stressed around negative energy.
 
Another drawing of prayer I might make is one of a quiet, open embrace.  When I quiet my mind, and open myself to the positive energy and wisdom of the universe I am shutting down the chatter which judges, has answers, can be critical, small minded, and just plain noisy. 
 
The other day I was attending a funeral service. The officiant happened to be a Catholic priest. My experience of his prayers, beyond whatever words he might have used, was this open embrace.  In those moments of prayers this rather tall, broad shouldered man was both gathering  those present into his embrace and allowing all the rest of us to gather him in our embrace.
 
One might ask, “Is prayer the correct term for what I am describing as my experience and my vision.  I have no idea. Certainty it is not begging or entreating. It is simply allowing myself to be connected to the larger whole and, thus, to receive and share the universal energy. That energy in my mind is pure love.   It is unconditional and unearned.  It is quiet and as soothing as the lullaby of a parent to an infant.
 
In the New Testament part of the Bible used by the Christian tradition in Luke, chapter 11, the disciples ask their teacher, Jesus, “Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples.”
Jesus then gifts them with a simple prayer which says:
         Well, here we are, help us to be present to a sacred space.
         To feed upon the love of the universe
         Forgive us all the roadblocks we put up to separate ourselves from what is sacred and true within and without.
         Just as we forgive those parts of us – others – who also put
         roadblocks.
 
When I understand the prayer to be this I know that prayer is shutting down the chatter and opening myself to love
 
Without the chatter, it seems to me that in the words recorded in I Corinthians chapter 13:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
 
Written June 24, 2017
 
 
 

​We are family.  Almost!
 
 
The family arrives with the son
 
now contained in a small box which rests
 
on the table in the front of the chapel.
 
The community gathers.
 
Clearly a diverse group with various costumes
 
of clothes, skin color,  age and many others.
 
A slightly older man in the costume of a priest sets the stage.
 
Soon, it is time to begin the service of farewell
 
At least for this life journey.
 
Now the first priest and two others enter in their white cassocks.
 
The celebration begins.
 
The one who set the stage joyfully declares we are all related.
 
We are all truly brothers and sisters.
 
There is no us and them
 
Clearly his Jesus in inclusive of all who have gathered .
 
He makes reference to learning from the Sioux Indians
 
at whose feet he also sat to learn.
 
It is time for the symbolic meal of the body and blood
of Jesus
 
A ritual to symbolize the joining together.
 
To symbolize that when we suffer for and with each other we
 
seal the bond of family
 
         One family
 
Oh, wait!
 
Only Roman Catholics in good standing are welcome to this table.
 
Others may come to be blessed but may not partake of this
 
symbolic meal.
 
Really?
 
We are not, after all, one family?
 
There are degrees of family?
 
For a few moments I felt as if I too belonged
 
But no, I am a guest.
 
Welcome,  but a guest
 
I know.
 
The price for breaking the rule is too high for this priest?
 
Rules are, after all necessary!
 
Because?
 
I know I should know.
 
What is it I do not understand?
 
Am I making more of this rule than I should?
 
After all, I see this priest embracing so many with his generous
 
arms and his open heart.
 
He brings much comfort.
 
He demonstrates the love he learned at the feet of Jesus.
 
The ritual is, after all, just a ritual having nothing to do
 
with the God of my understanding.
 
Yet, for a moment.
 
I thought family was possible.
 
Actually. I still think it is possible.
 
One day we will gather
 
sans rules to feed each other.
 
One day!
 
We will, like Jesus, just love.
 
 
Jimmy Pickett
 
June 23, 2017
 
 
 

​Life on life’s terms
 
Readers of this blog know that I often refer those with an active addiction to a 12-step recover program.   I also sometimes attend 12-step meetings both for my own edification and to keep me abreast of the program.  It is my belief that I need to stay very current with what is going on with any programs to which I refer individuals.  I certainly do not want to refer anyone to any person or program which I would not use for myself or a family member should the need arise.
 
If one is around 12-step recovery folks very often one will hear the phrase “life on life’s terms”. I understand this phrase as a reminder that if one is going to have a life free of active addiction or other misery one is going to have to accept that “life shows up” and that on can either find healthy ways of accepting and dealing with whatever shows up or one continue with one’s particular form of misery.
 
Accepting life on life’s terms will result in:
 

• Letting go of personalized victim thinking such as:
  • God or the universe is picking on me more than others.
  • Why me?  I am a good person?  I don’t deserve bad things happing to me.
  • I am always given more than anyone can be expected to handle.
  • Only bad things happen to me.
• Gathering the emotional and spiritual tools one needs to cope with changing conditions or situations.
• Being willing to ask for and accept help when one is feeling overwhelmed.
• Take responsibility for deciding to ignore issues which need addressed until there is a crisis and then crying “poor me”.

 
Just because one has made and followed through with decisions to deal with one’s addiction or other issues does not mean that one is spared difficult events for the rest of one’s life. Death, illness, forces of nature such as floods, hurricanes, storms, tornadoes, relationship issues and other “normal” life events/issues will show up no matter what we do or don’t do.  Just this morning I talked to someone whose husband is 62 and has worked for a company for many years which is now being bought out by another company.  The managers of the new company might or might not choose to keep him as an employee.  Also, this morning I talked to someone whose adult son had finally gotten a job but when he went in for his first day of work and was asked to take another drug test he refused and was let go.  No matter how much his parents attempt to help him this young man cannot, for whatever reason, allow himself to get into recovery.  Recently I saw a woman whose thought she had all her ducks lined up to ensure a long, happy and prosperous life, but her partner suddenly committed suicide. In the local newspaper, there was the announcement today of the death of a 11-year-old child.  While at the gym, I listened to the podcast of the story of the ongoing recovery efforts following a flood which devastated most of a town.  In some parts of the world, millions of refugees face an unknown future.
 
These examples remind us, no matter who we are, where we are, our level of education, financial status or how much practice living our spiritual values, life shows up.  It also shows up in the magic of the scent, shape and color of all the summer blossoms.  It shows up in the magic of the seed which direct the production of a vegetables or fruit.  It shows up in an act of random kindness.  It shows up in the delight of a child as he or she makes amazing discoveries using all their available senses.
 
I was just reminded this morning that living life on life’s terms does not mean shutting down emotionally and ignoring feelings such as sadness, disappointment, grief, and fear.   What I attempted to teach my son was:
 

• Honor one’s feelings and freely express them in safe places.
• Do not allow your feeling to control you.  One can do what one needs to do even if one is sad, fearful, anxious or has other feelings.

 
My attempt to communicate this sometimes got interrupted by others as giving him the standard male message to deny one’s feelings. That was certainly not the message I was attempting to communicate.     My friend Becky is a very good example of a healthy relationships with one’s emotions.  She frequently shares what she is feeling as I do with her. Yet, she never allows any emotions to dictate her ability to accomplish tasks. She has, for example, been faced with the death of those in her family or circle of love who are fairly young and those who are older.  She never fails to acknowledged both her sadness and her gratitude (gratitude for the time they did share on this life journey) and yet she is often the first one to offer and give practical help while, if possible, also following through on prior commitments. Naturally, at times she has to cancel or reschedule prior commitments to do something for the family who has experienced a tragic event.  She can set aside her grief when necessary, but that is not the same as denying it. 
 
It seems many females find it easier than many of we males to accept that they can both honor their feelings and continue to do what needs to be done.  We males seems too often get the message that we have to “stay tough” and deny that we have a heart as well as brawn.  Invariably we males who take this approach find that we get less rather than more done.  Any energy we are using to deny our feelings is not available for other tasks.
 
It is important to remind myself and to support others of the following truths:
 

• Our hearts – our ability to care – is the core of building family and community.
• When we honor our hearts, we have a variety of feelings – love, hurt, sadness, grief, disappointment, joy, laughter and more.
• We are stronger that we feel.
• Honoring our feelings allows us to be stronger and does not weaken us.
• We do better when we allow others to emotionally (and sometime practically) give us emotional and spiritual support.
• We can do life on life’s terms

 
Written June 22, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Family of choice
 
As we all know families come in all shapes, sizes, genders, colors, ages, physical ableness, nationalities and with many other differences.  Families also come with individual histories. Even when family members grow up in the same household each has their own unique story..  How a particular family member experiences their family will depend on a number of factors. These include:
 

• Changing family circumstances – financial, emotional, environmental and many others.
• Order of birth can sometimes change role of a family member and how that family member is treated or the expectation of that family member.
• Whether the family is chosen, one is born into it or thrust into it because of circumstances.
• War, natural disaster and other factors which affect the priorities and circumstances of the family.
• Shared issues or goals.
• The history each adult or adopted child brings with them.
• Racism, sexism, homophobia and other cultural stressors.

 
One can have a family of origin, adopted family, work family, health facility family, war/combat family, or an intentional family based on shared goals.
 
Often 12 step recovery group members report feeling more of a sense of family with the recovery group than they ever did with family of origin or any other group. In fact, when someone is speaking at a meeting they often say that until they got involved in the 12-step program they never felt as if they belonged.  It is interesting that once the recovery person allows themselves to open to being a part of the 12-step recovery family they are sometimes able to establish a close family relationship with the people who comprise their family of origin.  Sometimes, however, there has been so much emotional damage because of active addiction that this is not possible.
 
Families who have a member who is in active addiction often try to treat the active addict as if they can be a healthy family member. Invariably, the non-addictive family members get sucked into the space of the addict rather than the addict getting drawn into the healthier, connected space of the active addict.  The non-addictive family members think that they are inviting the active addict to the gathering.  In fact, they are inviting the addiction. Until the addict gets into recovery and is able to think and behave differently they are not able to be present as themselves instead of the addiction.
 
So many factors may make it impossible for those who are biologically related to connect as a family – to be the loving, unselfish, nurturing connections that everyone wants.   This is very sad, but once one reaches adult status (sometime before that) one can open oneself to a choosing an intentional family.  The good news is that if we are open to this possibility we can all have exactly the family we want. It may not be people who are connected by blood or marriage.  There are many healthy people who are able to give and receive the nurturing that we all need to survive and thrive
 
At times, some individuals decide that it only “counts” if the nurturing family is the original family of origin.  They may spend their entire life waiting for the family of origin to morph into the family they wanted.  When this does not happen, they blame the family of origin for their misery. There may be that rare occasion when the members of a formerly unhealthy family of origin become healthy enough to give and receive unconditional love but there is no guarantee that this will or can happen.
 
Family members are those who are emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually able to give and receive unconditional love.  Notice I used the word able.  Some are not, for a variety of reasons, able to do that.   It makes no sense to blame the person who is not able.  While it is very sad, one needs to accept this fact, and move on.  I often use the analogy of deciding that I have to purchase a new car at the convenient store.   Every morning I go in and say I want to purchase a new Nissan car. Every morning I am told that they do not carry cars.  I am insistent that I will only buy a new car at the convenient store.  I continue to go back every morning and insist that I should be able to purchase a new car from them.  Finally, the store owners get frustrated and tell me I am barred from the store. Now I am angry and blame the store for not having the car I want and need. They are responsible for my unhappiness because I have decided I can only be happy if I have a new car and I can only have a new car if it comes from the convenience store.   There is nothing wrong with the store, but they do not carry new cars.  They are not responsible for my unhappiness. Neither is my family of origin responsible for me not having the family love I want and need. They are not bad people for not having what I want and need.
 
Attachments to ideas or beliefs can trap us in a prison which can be just as miserable as a physical prison.  The solution to our misery is to identify and let go of our attachments.    In the case of the family of origin I have to let go of the attachment to the belief that they have to emotionally and spiritually be my family.   They are not the problem.  My attachment is the problems.
 
Once we understand this approach to getting what we want and need we are able to have a life that is emotionally and spiritually rich.  There are those I have met who even when interned in a death camp during World War II were determined, for whatever time they had left, to celebrate loving supportive friendships.  There are those in combat situation who, without denying the horror of war, are able to focus on a moment of friendship, a food package or a letter from home, a sunset or a small act of kindness from someone.   Even though they miss their families at home – spouses/partners, children, parents, siblings, extended family members – they allow themselves to be fully open to loving relationships with those who are able to be present with them.   There are others who are miserable because they cannot have the family support they want from the people who are supposed to give it to them in the way that the want it.
 
The essential truth is that other people, places and things are not responsible for one’s happiness or unhappiness.  All people have the choice to first give themselves the unconditional, loving support they need and then to open themselves to others who are available and able to give it. I am not suggesting that this is always easy, but I am suggesting that there are wonderful mentors who can guide one.  If one is open to their loving guidance one can have the life they need even if it does not conform to the one they had constructed in their head.  The choice is their’s.
 
Written June 20, 2017