​“Hatred will not weaken a city of steel”
 
Apparently, these words were on a sign someone was displaying in Pittsburgh following the killing of eleven people and the wounding of six others at The Tree of Life Synagogue in the Squirrel Hill section of the city.  
 
Pittsburgh and its neighboring communities extending to West Virginia and Ohio have a rich history of steel mills and people of steel.   It is a city of immigrants, laborers, and labor leaders such as Joe Hill who have had to struggle to claim a fair share of the profits. 
 
When I think of Pittsburgh I think not only of the world class museums, conservatory, and arts community, I think of tough people such as my now deceased friend Stephie.   Stephie lived in the apartment complex in which I lived for some time.   The back yard/area of the building was, as I recall, about the size of a football field.   The building boiler had burned coal for many years.  The coal ash had been dumped in the yard for many decades. It eventually covered all the soil.  Several blocks away new construction left an excess of dirt. Stephie and another woman,d using a wheelbarrow, hauled enough top soil to cover that yard at a sufficient depth to allow grass to be grown.
 
Stephie told the story of her dad coming to the United States with a promise to get a job and send for his fiancé.  His fiancé, Stephie’s mother waited and waited in Czechoslovak and no passage money or word came from him.  Her mother finally made enough money to pay for her own passage.  Arriving in Pittsburgh it was easy to locate the section of the city which her fiancé might be living with others from Czechoslovakia.    Stephie says her mother made the rounds of the bars until she found him. She went in and without saying a word took him by the ear out of the    According to Stephie, this was the last time her dad entered a bar.  Eventually Stephie’s mother and dad had 12 children.  There were all people of steel living in a steel city whose coal powered plants covered the city in black soot.  Today there is little evidence of that soot. Yet the people of steel remain.
 
Football, baseball, river traffic, heath care as well as the arts form the core of this city.   It is a city which remembers that it took people of steel to build this city.  It took people of steel to reclaim post holocaust lives.   It will take people of steel to answer hate with love and leave open the doors.   
 
It is indeed the friendly city which will gather together to celebrate the lives of those shot to death on Saturday.  It is the city who has welcome the holocaust survivor and the wounded from all around the world.  It is the city which had remade itself economically, but will forever remain the city of steel which will not respond to hatred with hatred.   While the city has not been immured or protected from the legacy of racism, sexism or homophobia it has once again shown that it can rise above the coal ash of its past and work to expand Mr. Rogers neighborhood to include all its citizens.  It is a city of steel in the midst of transformation which will not be weakened by hatred.
 
Written October 30, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Laughing our way to hope
 
The other day I was talking with a client I had seen over a decade ago.  She shared with me she was initially offended when I used humor as a response to her then existential angst.   I, of course, apologized, but she then said that later she came to understand the healing power of being able to laugh with each other about our tendency to take life issues so seriously.  This kind, wise, loving woman has now joined me as one of the elders of the community.  She is at that age when the number of peers who are not much older are leaving this life journey by “natural” causes.  As is true for all of us, the plethora of communication devices ensures that we are daily aware of the work of mother nature and all the other events which reminds us this life journey is very brief.   As we near the end of this life journey, many, if not most, of the issues which seemed so very important in earlier stages of this journey now seem less important.
 
We worried about being “right” which we often confused with respect and wisdom.  
 
Many of us paid a counselor to remind us what we knew to tell our children but failed to tell ourselves.
 
When a particular politician won an election, or made what seemed like unwise decisions we predicted the end of the world.
 
We dressed up death with very expensive coffins which would take a very long time to make peace with the earth with which it would rest. 
 
We rushed to get to the beach or other “vacation” destinations so that we could acutely dislike each other by the time we arrived.
 
In short we took life so seriously that we forgot to laugh and enjoy the journey/the ride.   We were and often still are pretty silly.  
 
The other day I heard someone describe laughter as the tangible symbol of hope.  I am sorry that I did not immediately jot down the author of this statement or what I remember the statement to have been.  At any rate, I love this description of laughter.  When I hear laughter, I hear:
 

• A virtual hug. No issue or difference can separate us.
• An openness to learning and growing.
• The power to live a life which is life affirming no matter how many shootings, bombing, or other means of treating each other as less then.
• Pure joy.

 
I recall once being awarded a black eye by a man who thought I was having an affair with his wife.  As it happened his wife who was on crutches, had locked herself out of her house and needed help breaking into her house.  She could not reach her husband and came to my house asking for help.  I was already ready for bed and in my robe.  Before I could change the doorbell rang.  It was her husband who I welcomed into my home.  He asked to talk to me. I invited him to my study. He then awarded me that black eye.  I got very tickled as I laid on the floor, robe open to reveal my nakedness.  He did not fully appreciate my laughter which I found even funnier.   I was not having an affair with his wife although later, post-divorce, she and I did become lovers.    The situation still makes me smile.    I found it very amusing to be the star of a B movie.
 
My tears come as quickly as my laughter.  In fact, it often seems as if tears open the pathways to laughter.
 
I suspect that the more we are able to laugh together the more we can proceed with the important business of finding more practical, loving ways to share this life journey. 
 
Written October 29, 2018
 

​Sunday Musings – October 28, 2018
 
On this fall morning, I am reminded of the Charles Dickens’ quote in The Tale of Two Cities. “This is the best of times. This is the worst of times.”  Last night I attended the annual gala of the Gateway Medical Society in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.   The universe or fate dictated that this would be the same day that a person would open fire on those attending a service in the synagogue The Tree of Life Congregation in Pittsburgh (He killed 11 people and wounded six more.)
 
Many of those attending the gala have close ties with some of those directly affected by the shooting; some very close ties.  Yet, they were at the gala; some for only a brief time before getting back to comfort those who were most directly affected by this violent act.  
 
The evening went on as planned, but not without many prayers and with an awareness that the work of this very special medical society is even more needed.  This organization of African American physicians rose out of hatred and bigotry to support and celebrate the work of African American physicians.  Eventually it developed a mentor program and today actively mentors 110 African American male youth, offers scholarships to those wanting to enter the health care field and honors the often courageous and selfless work of African American physicians in the Pittsburgh area.  Last evening two physicians were honored as physicians of the year. Others were honored as rising stars.  One of the physician of the year awards went to my friend Marv McGowan who, along with many of his colleagues, are true healers.  They know housing, food, a warm embrace and a hand up is just as important as treating broken bones, addiction or other illnesses.
 
Dr. McGowan is just one of the many members of this organization who are committed to celebrating the sacredness of all members of the community, but especially those who may at times be seen as “the least of these”.   
 
Here these descendants of slaves, the Jim Crow laws; those living with the ongoing hatred which seems to prevail in so much of the world and which just ended the lives of 11 and wounded six more just a few miles from the site of gala, gathered to pray, to celebrate and to recommit to creating a more just and loving world.  Looking at the elegantly attired attendees of this black-tie affair one might not think of the trenches in which they are called to serve.  One might think all is right with the world. There is no more hatred and prejudice. Yet, we know this is not the case.
 
It takes great courage and a strong faith to stand tall and face hatred with love. Yet that is exactly what the members of this organization do every day and did last night.
 
Later today I will gather with others at the local Jewish Temple to grief, celebrate and recommit to responding to hate with love; to, once again, demonstrate that the truth which we must affirm is “This is the best of times. This is the worst of times.”
 
We will grieve but we will not hate.  We will, along with the prophet Isaiah, proclaim:
 
         Comfort, comfort my people,
         says your God.
         Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
         and proclaim to her
         that her hard service has been completed
         that her sin has been paid for
         that she has received from the Lord’s hand
         double for her sin (Isaiah 40: 1-2, NIV)
 
 
Written October 28, 2018

​Public Shaming
 
Public shaming and dishonoring a person is a practice which has been used for a very long time by humans. Public lynching, for example, was a way of both shaming someone and sending a message to others that certain behavior would not be tolerated by those who held the political and legal power.  Although it is no longer legal to lynch someone and even the death penalty has been outlawed in many places, public shaming continues to be an accepted part of the so-called judicial system.
 
Publicly listing of names of both suspects and those convicted of a crime is common in the United States and many other countries.  For many years’ newspapers and radio were the primary means of dissimilating this information to the general public.    More recently many have access to social media, cell phones and other means of “getting the word out”. 
 
There has, from time to time, been suggestions or recommendations that names of suspects not be published until and unless someone is convicted of a crime.  I can find very little evidence of individuals or groups suggesting that names of those convicted of a crime not be made public.
 
I do suspect that there is a great deal of public benefit to having legal proceeding in the courtroom open to the public.  It would seem a good argument can be made to keep court proceedings open to the public to prevent using the legal system to silence political opponents or others.  Obviously, it would be difficult to keep the names of all those involved in public court proceeding private.
 
Yesterday, I argued in my blog against the Roman Catholic Church publishing the names of those priests and other staff credibly accused of sexual abuse of children for the past 50 years.  I was not surprised that some individual strongly disagreed with me. Some even feared I was being supportive of those who sexually abuse children and, thus, indirectly supportive of sexual abusers.
 
I was a bit surprised that some of those arguing in favor of the public release of the names are familiar with and appreciative of the steps of AA, NA and the related 12-step programs. Those programs all use the same basic 12 steps which stress being honest with self and sharing with at least one other the exact nature of how one’s past behavior has affected oneself and others.  It also stresses, when it would not cause further harm,  making direct amends to the individuals previously harmed.   Additionally, there is a clear commitment to do what one needs to do to refrain from abusing self and others in the future.  There is no recommendation that one publicly admit “the exact nature of one’s wrong”.    Neither is there reporting of past deeds to law enforcement.  Obviously, if a child or another adult is currently in danger there needs to be action taken to protect the child.  Even then there is no intention of shaming the person who poses potential danger.
 
The goal of 12 step model, as I understand it, is always healing for both the addict who may have been the perpetrator and the victim of any abuse.  The assumption is that addiction and other possible co-occurring illnesses affect how the brain function and thus the behavior of the individual.    No one is judged based on the worst thing they ever did.  Most can heal if they accept the help they need both within the context of the 12-step program and professional help for other illnesses/brain dysfunctions.  For those whose brain cannot heal and function there needs to be other kind, secure options.
 
I understand why there is some mistrust of many religious institutions including the Roman Catholic Church.   Not every official or diocesan official has held every abuser accountable or gotten them the help they needed.  The church, as an institution. has not faced the systemic nature of the problem of abuse.  Religious groups must commit to being accountable.  There may need to be lay groups or even outside groups overseeing their process.   At the same time, I see nothing to be gained by publicly shaming individuals by making their names public.  Personally, I feel the same way about the sexual offender list.  It does not make the community safer. In fact, if anything, the public is less safe.  No one heals as a result of being treated as less then.   Some may heal in spite of being treated as less then but, in general, the worse we treat people the more likely one will seek some relief in behavior which gives temporary relief.
 
I would argue that release of names in the name of total transparency results in shaming and not in identifying and healing of underlying issues.    There are never any winners in treating anyone as less then.
 
Written October 27, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Healing, transparency and trust in religious bodies
 
The announcement by the Wheeling Charleston Diocese to release a list of religious who have had credible allegations of sexual abuse of children since 1950 including priests, deacons and other religious officials has left me sad and confused.  The stated reason for doing this is transparency, healing and restoring trust. I am confused about how releasing this list facilitates those goals.
 
My questions about healing include:
 

• Healing for whom and in what way?  The need for accountability and responsibility is very important. My understanding is that this diocese has a long history of accountability and accepting responsibility for helping those who may be been abused or treated inappropriately to heal. Those responsible have not been returned to duty until professionals unconnected to the diocese determined it was safe to do so.
• Releasing names of living and deceased priests and church staff only serves the purpose of providing a potential target for stones.  What did Jesus say about throwing stones?   Making individuals the targets of abuse is not healing for anyone.  It may provide some temporary satisfaction to those who are angry at the church or at particular individuals.  None of us heal by abusing others.
• Releasing names of those living and dead who may have been abusive or, at the very least, inappropriate, may give some people a false sense of security so that we can avoid them, but, in fact, we create more danger when we mistreat others. Of course, there are very ill people who should not be allowed to be alone with our children or even ourselves. One should not expect someone whose mind is controlled addiction or other mental illness to be able to treat another with love and respect.   This list is not a list of those people.

 
I have questions about the use of the term transparency:
 

• The list is of those SUSPECTED of being abusive to children and of those who were abusive.
• The list is of those who may have been abusive or hurtful in some way, but does not indicate which of those were mandated to treatment and have been in recovery for their addiction or other mental illness for years.   This diocese has had a very aggressive and proactive program for years to monitor the health of priests and other staff.  They mandated long term treatment and only returned those people to active roles as priests or other roles involving ministry to adults and children when mental health professionals determined it was safe.   

 
There is good reason for a lack of trust in the church to directly address issues of sexuality and other health related issues for the clergy and other staff of many religions including the Roman Catholic Church.  Releasing names of individuals who were suspected of abusing children does not tell me why sexual and emotional misbehavior of clergy and others has been so widespread in many religions and in the culture, at large.  Until there is a plan and a commitment to address and take corrective action regarding those issues there is no reason to trust the larger religious institutions.    Releasing names and turning them over to civil authorities does not protect anyone.  If, indeed, there are those who have been abusive in any way and not been mandated to treatment and/or a loving place where they cannot harm others (for those for whom there may not be successful treatment) then loving, Christian action needs to be taken.
 
It seems as if many of us humans are very fond of behaviors which mimic tautologies.   The reader might recall that tautologies are statements which appear to say something and may be said with a lot of false bravado but which say nothing.  For example, if one says: “The red wagon is red.”  one has made a true and meaningless statement.  Of course red wagons are red. What other color would red wagons be?  Of course, there has been abuse by clergy and others. We know this. Of course, there has been cover up in some cases. Of course, there is a lack of faith that religious leaders will walk the talk.   Of course, there is a lack of trust in religious leaders dealing with the fact that humans are very sexual beings and beings which demand intimacy.  For there to be trust we must lovingly insist that these and related issues be addressed. Pretending as if throwing a few people (living and dead) under the bus has anything to do transparency, healing and restoring trust is not helpful, kind or consistent with the teaching of Jesus or any other wise teacher.
 
Written October 26, 2018
 
 
 

A spiritual thesis statement
 
I was taught to approach writing assignments with a clear thesis statement stating the goal, overall contents or purpose of what was contained in the writing. Besides checking for grammar, spelling and overall accuracy of the content the teacher would then “suggest” that one remove phrases or sentences which, no matter how interesting, did not help achieve the goal stated in the thesis statement.  I continue to attempt to follow this when writing blogs, designing a workshop or a speech.   It is easy for this human to get off task and, as some of my friends have reminded me, wax on and on and on and on until the reader is confused regarding the goal of the writing.   If the reader is confused, I am undoubtedly also confused.
 
I have discovered in all areas of my life it is helpful to be clear about my goals before I engage in any action.  There are many possible goals including:
 

• To educate or inform.
• To amuse.
• To attempt to identify the questions which might lead to problem solving.
• To problem solve.
• To dump or vomit anger, resentments, grief or other internal emotional storage tanks filled to the brim.
• To heal.
• To punish.
• To get spiritually centered enough to be present.
• To improve health of individual, family, organization or community.
• To prevent a repeat of some hurtful or harmful action.
• To nurture self or another.
• To explore
• To shame

 
I am sure that I have missed other potential goals, but the reader can add their own.  It is also possible that some actions are intended to accomplish more than one goal.  For example, some will maintain that the goal of punishment is to prevent repetition of certain harmful behavior in the future.  (I cannot identify any research results which confirms that punishment often reduces future harmful behavior.  It is true that some people do change as a result of punishment although some would claim that it is in spite of punishment that they change.)
 
Confusion arises when an action is not consistent with one’s stated spiritual goals or when research does not support that the action is likely to achieve some goal.    For example, I have seen couples or families who come to therapy with the stated goal of healing, but who attempt to use therapy/counseling time to dump hurtful words on each other or to remind each other of all past “sins”.  
 
I have found that it is very helpful to begin each day with my spiritual intention or purpose. Throughout the day, as I engage or prepare to engage in various behaviors or activities, I challenge myself to clarify my spiritual goal.   I may, at times, need to do some internal housecleaning prior to starting a task or activity. Housecleaning is the immediate goal.  I do not want to dump the internal garbage on another person(s). If I did, the intent would be to hurt that person(s).  Hurting another person is not consistent with my personal spiritual beliefs or goals.
 
I suspect that if we as organizations, communities, states, nations and international bodies were to challenge ourselves to set spiritual goals or thesis statement consistent with our core values we would make some progress in healing and working together to create a safe, nurturing community.  If, however, our goal is to punish, hurt, pay back, insult, benefit a person(s) at the expense of another person(s), prove we are better/bigger/more powerful than/can talker louder than or be more insulting than we will continue to create a world which is polarized – more us and them.
 
Written October 24, 2018
 
 
 
 

​Feeding the dragon
 
My primary job or role as counselor is to actively listen to others and to play back what individuals are saying to themselves and others.   Sounds like an easy job for which on surely does not need a graduate degree, a professional license, ongoing training,  malpractice insurance and all the equipment needed to maintain clinical and financial records.    Yet, even with all the education, training and safeguards much of the time we so called professionals still have a difficult time actively listening.  Active listening is the “art” of simply repeating what one “hears” the person saying without adding anything extra.  Of course, all of us speak with our voice (if able), our body language, the connecting links to our heart, our memory bank and our version of what seems logical.    Attending to all the nuances of what one is “saying”  has to be filtered through the brain, stored memory and heart of the listener.   It is very easy for the listener to unconsciously add to what was actually “said” by the speaker.  Is it any wonder that humans have such a difficult time communicating?   Even if one is feeding back what one heard fairly accurately, the other person may not be able to actively listen to the active listener!
 
I was thinking of this yesterday when attempting to help a lovely woman “hear” how she was feeding the negative thoughts.  She came to the appointment wanting help in reducing her internal and expressed anger.   She “knows” that the anger does not allow her to have the relationships she wants with herself, other people or the God of her understanding.  Yet she makes an angry statement, proceeds to justify her anger and blame others for causing her to be angry.   In other words, she is feeding the anger by heaping log after log onto what is already a roaring fire.  To her credit she “knows”  it is up to her to change; that she cannot change others.  Yet, she struggles to hear herself and to stop justifying her anger while, at the same time, trying to let the anger go.
 
I was talking to another person who is attempting to reclaim a life which active addiction has stolen from him.  The addicted brain finds “reason” after  “reason” to keep using.  It blames other people, places and things – over which one has no control – for one’s misery.  It will then direct the person whose life it has taken over to use whatever means is necessary to get the drug of choice. This drug gives some temporary relief while resulting in more distrust of other people and the resultant loss of support leading to more isolation  and feeling unloved which leads to….  My goal was to:

• Love him unconditionally.
• Not rescue him.
• Listen and not feed the negativity.
• Remind him where support was available – 12 step meetings, Soup Kitchen, Catholic Charities, and other community service groups.

 
It felt as if my active listening and emotional support was not helping him.  I did provide some limited practical help.  Nothing seem to change.  He kept feeding the dragon of negative thoughts and behaviors.   No one healthy wanted to be around him.  Yet, last evening he “heard” himself (something clicked).  He began to make more positive statements and to plan a more realistic, positive course of action.
 
Most of us know we cannot change other people, places and things.   We also know that if we surround ourselves with negative people, places and situations the dragon is going to be fed and will grow.    If we continue to focus on negatives and reinforce them the dragon will also grow.   The end result is a dragon on steroids which feels miserable to the person lugging the dragon everywhere they go
 
When attempting to support a person who is struggling, we can listen, stay positive and resist feeding the dragon.  We are not in charge of the outcome but maybe – just maybe – a miracle will occur.
 
Written  October 23, 2018
 

Heil Erasure
 
You frighten me!
 
You confuse me!
 
You make me look weak!
 
You make me feel small!
 
I will erase you.
 
You are no longer a country.
 
ERASE
 
You are no longer a human!
 
ERASE
 
You are no longer an asset!
 
ERASE
 
You are no longer transgender!
 
ERASE
 
Erasures arrive masked as words
 
As guns
 
As swords
 
As lawful edicts
 
As policy
 
As laws
 
As necessary evil.
 
We demand organic
 
What is good for the pure of blood
 
Caucasian - Aryan
 
Heterosexual
 
Clear gender
 
Male
 
Non-immigrant
 
Healthy of mind
 
The one percent
 
Heil  Erasure
 
You are the new king
 
Heil Erasure
 
Oops!
 
(I have been erased!)
 
Written October 22, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Sunday Musings – October 21, 2018
 
Good morning brain of mine.    It has been another busy and blessed week despite the existential angst which us humans continue to visit on each other.  
 
What is freshest in my mind is yesterday NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness) walk and gathering to raise awareness of the needs and struggles of those who live with mental illness.   I am humbled and delighted with the fact that local leaders including the former Olympic star Amy Gamble, Lauren Brown and others continue to be committed to the education of and treatment for mental which affect such a significant portion of the population.  
 
While some were gathering at this event, others were gathering at the Fall Festival sponsored by Ohio Valley Grow who are committed to making healthy, locally grown food available to all the citizens of the community.  We know, of course, that healthy food has a tremendous impact on how our brain functions.
 
Later in the day, in my role of counselor and citizen,  I spent time with some who are living with mental illness. 
 
Personally, I do not know anyone who has not been directly affected by mental illness whether that be depression, addiction, dementia, or some other symptoms of a brain which is off balance.  I doubt that many of our readers know any family who has not been directly affected by mental illness.
 
When all the factors – internal and external – which affect how the brain function - are in synch or enough in synch to approximate a well-functioning brain, it is easy to either take it for granted or to self-righteously judge those whose brains are not functioning  well. 
 
Genetics, the availability of healthy food, other illnesses such as tumors, a malfunctioning thyroid, dementia, unitary tract infections, a host of other physical issues, trauma, environmental issues, war, domestic violence and many other factors directly and indirectly affect how our brain functions.
 
Calling illness which affect how our brain functions mental illness has somehow helped to create the illusions that those with mental illness are responsible for their illness and, thus, do not deserve the respect, empathy and treatment which might be accorded those with other illnesses although, to be clear, including in the United States, quality of care for any illness is often directly and indirectly affected by money which is determined by privilege.
 
No one shops at the local hardware store or grocery store for a mental illness.  Even Amazon’s Alexa is not the supplier of mental illness.  The truth is that if we have a day in which our brain is able to approximate logical thought processes we deserve no credit. It is true that when our brain is functioning well it is sometime easier to make decisions regarding exercise, food intake, healthy friendships, and medication (as needed).  It is also true that:
 

• One does not have control over many of the factors which affect our brain function.
• When one’s brain is not functioning well, one is often expected to make healthy decisions to seek treatment if available or to “just do it” whatever the “it” is.   Addiction, depression and many other “mental” illness often make it impossible to think clearly enough to seek treatment or to change habits of thinking and behavior.

 
Just for today I will remind myself that if my brain is able to approximate logical, empathic thinking I am blessed and need to do my part to support NAMI staff and volunteers, teachers, health care professionals, and all those who assist with housing, healthy food, and other life support services for those we label as mentally ill.   Just for today I will practice humility and gratitude.
 
Written October 21, 2018

We were once wise
 
We were once wise
 
pushing away those who did not feel safe
 
reaching out for the smile which was true
 
using all our senses to explore and connect.
 
We may not yet have known that
 
we should not fly too close to the sun
 
wrestle with a moving car
 
or think now is forever.
 
Yet, we knew that the freedom to fly
 
was as necessary as the home of the breast
 
the tucking in
 
a goodnight kiss
 
praise
 
laughter
 
colors
 
light
 
exploring the science of splashing in the tub
 
that shiny is good but is not dependent on size or
 
the price on the stock market.
 
We knew the best costume was the one
 
which did not restrict our flying
 
or keep the world too large at night.
 
We knew to ride on clouds
 
while we explored all the universes
 
We knew making music did not require a
 
Stradivarius but merely a spoon on any hard surface.
 
We know we could scream from hunger, sadness, or pain.
 
And could laugh when twinkling eyes sent beams of love
 
over us.
 
When did we become so ignorant?
 
Forget the wisdom which was so clear?
 
We used to be hungry not food challenged.
 
We were warm or we were cold.
 
We were not lazy, stupid or obsolete.
 
When we felt unsafe our voice make a pact
 
with the wind.
 
We were once wise.
 
Written October 19, 2018