I was delighted to see an editorial article by Troy Dungy in the May 13, 2015 edition of the St. Petersburg Tribune entitled “Time for men to stand up against domestic violence” Mr. Dungy is the national spokesperson for ProDad.com as well as an author and public speaker. He is also a former coach of a winning super bowl team.
Among his recommendations is, “At a young age, children must be taught the importance of treating everyone with kindness and respect . . . They must be taught that violence is never the answer to any situation, particularly inside the home.”
Mr. Dungy is among the men who have assumed leadership for addressing the issues of domestic violence and for teaching our children, especially our male children, that violence is never the answer. He says, “Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., my father and my faith have taught me violence is never the answer.”
I, along with a group of male friends, were first challenged in the 1970ies to quit depending on women to end domestic violence. We were challenged by strong women with whom my friends and I were involved. These were very loving women who felt no hesitation in pointing out that a significant percentage of physical domestic violence and, thus the most immediately dangerous violence, is perpetrated by we males. They said that the action of we men did not match our rhetoric. We were not publicly speaking out, teaching, writing, or in other ways challenging those of our gender to learn to treat the women in our lives with respect. Respect, they would point out, never includes violence. Several of we men then living in Evansville, Indiana formed a consciousness raising group to explore the relationships we wanted with our own maleness, with each other and with the women in our lives. Most of us had not grown up learning that these types of conversations should be a normal part of our relationships with other men.
About the same time, men and a few women in other parts of the country, were coming together to form the group that would later become known as “National Organization of Men Against Sexism”. This group of scholars, health care professional, factory workers and others would gather once a year to discuss their academic research, their personal growth, and their community efforts to create a safer, more loving community. For many years I was involved with this group. When I moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania I became part of another local men’s support or consciousness raising group. There is still a group of us who regularly stay in touch. Among these courageous and strong men were folks such as Terry Bicehouse, David Russess, Denis Darsie, Frank Garrity, Jim Hanneken, Kurt Colborn. Terry and another of his colleagues, Dr. Lynn Hawker, co-authored a book entitled “Stop the Pain”. For many years they were leaders in the Pittsburgh community and the state of Pennsylvania in addressing domestic violence issues. They also joined national and international groups of individuals who today remain committed to creating a more just and less violent world.
Others, such as my friend Dr. Doug Gartner, made contributions by not only teaches colleges courses on gender studies but also hosting a radio program entitled “Grateful Dads”.
Obviously, unless one lives in a bubble, one is keenly aware that violence is still a daily part of our national and international diet. Whether it is violence in the home, on the street, in our so called judicial system or incorporated into the charter of our institutions, we humans continue to find ways to hurt each other verbally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. As Mr. Dungy points out violence seems to dominate the nightly new, movies and video games.
The violence is not limited to we men against women. It is still true, however, that domestic physical violence is disproportionally affecting women. If, however, we look at other types of violence we will quickly see that everyone in our culture is affected by violence.
Times have changed in some ways since I was in my first men’s consciousness-raising group. The disparity between the wages of males and females for the same job has decreased. There are more women who have broken the glass ceiling. There are more shelters and related services for victims of domestic violence. Among many of our young people – men and women – the concept of manhood and womanhood is changing.
Still, if we look at the national and international statistics, we continue to co-create a culture in which financial, emotional, and physical safety is lacking for a majority of people.
Violent video games, violent movies, as well as overt and covert intelligence and war “games/actions” continue to be directly and indirectly sanctioned by our culture.
The use of torture was overtly and covertly - passively and actively – condoned by the citizens of this nations even as we continued to criticize others for doing the same.
Our primary response to violence is violence. Despite the fact that we know that violence is (1) a learned behavior (2) a response to the perceived threat of another (3) an attempt to prove one’s worth by dominating others (4) an attempt to keep others away from one’s own pain, and a way to gain those possessions which will earn one a position of respect and privilege – despite all this - we continue to respond to violence either by condoning it or by punishing it which is just another form of violence.
I have said it before, but I will repeat it again and undoubtedly again. Punishing and accountability are not the same thing. Yes, we humans must learn that it is safe to admit to our violence and that we are expected to “shop” for alternative ways of dealing with our emotional, physical, spiritual and financial needs. It is not enough to tell our sons and daughters to limit their violence to video games. We must create fun video games which challenge our children to problem solve in a more creative and loving manner. Better yet, perhaps we need to find a way to reduce our work hours, buy fewer things and spend more time modeling creative ways to problem solve and just to enjoy each other.
We also need to stop blaming, invoking, or justifying our violence with religion. Religion can become another way to find a soften, easier way to feel powerful and to justify our behavior.
In the name of Allah, Elohim, Jesus, God or some other deity we abuse and kill others.
I recall an incidence in my office some time ago when I was seeing a couple who were in a violent marriage. Actually, I had not yet agreed to see the couple, but the husband decided to join us one evening. Sadly they brought the two young children. The oldest child was in the psychiatric hospital so terrified of his stepfather that he did not see any point in living. At any rate, this man came in and saw a copy of a Harry Potter book on my coffee table. He immediately launch into a lecture about the sacrilege of the Harry Potter books. When he was finished he sat next to his wife and began to berate her with names such as “f…ing bitch.” Obviously this poor man had a very different concept of spirituality than I did. I knew that I had to let him know that this behavior was not acceptable. I also knew that this man was frightened and had a ton of pain under the anger. It was my job to both set boundaries and to speak to his wounded heart. Sadly I did not see this family again although, in many other cases, I would later have a call from such a man asking to come in for counseling/teaching; begging me to help him understand and change his violent behavior.
Respect demands that we continue to challenge each other to be our best – to be the loving, secure people we are capable of being. This can only happen if we males begin to join people such as Tony Dungy, Doug Gertner, Terry Bicehouse, the late David Russell and the Martin Luther Kings of the world in saying, “No more” while offering a hand up in exploring healthier ways to be with ourselves, each other and the women in our lives. We can do this. I see this very time I go to a restaurant where there are likely to be children. I see gentle, strong fathers who are also partners. I see it in the men I know who are choosing to be the stay at home dad and home manager. Assuming these roles do not destroy our manhood. Loving, responsible behavior enhances our personhood whether we are male or female.
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