Choices

Eight months ago I closed my private practice in Wheeling and moved to Florida.  Among the many decisions I made was the decision to not work full time, but to do a very limited private coaching  practice. Although I had planned to get my counseling license in Florida, I was not sure that I wanted to use it.   Little did I know that getting a license in Florida would prove to be so difficult.  I was able to get my certification as an addiction professional. This certification allowed me, for a time, to work for an addiction treatment facility.  For many reasons I decided not to continue that job.  I do have a few life coaching clients and continue to be committed to working for/with folks whether or not they can afford to pay very much. This has always worked well for me.

I am a good money manager and, for the most part, my wants and needs are few.  My condo/villa and my car are paid for.  Most of my daily and yearly expense I can, if I am careful, pay for out of my social security check.  The small amount I earn from life coaching can go toward luxuries such as trips to visit my son, friends and my medical care givers (doctor and dentist) in the Pittsburgh area and my mother and sisters in Oklahoma.   I was, this years, also able to join the museums in St. Petersburg, pay a yearly state park fee, maintain a gym membership and keep my bicycle in good working condition. This is a lot.  There is still have plenty of money for eating well.

I had not thought about the fact that I would have many more visitors in Florida and that I would want to join them and their families  to play and enjoy such places as Disney, Universal Studios, Sea World, art galleries, and  many other places.   If we are doing something not close to my house, eating out is another, more frequent expense when friends are visiting.

The real challenge is saying that I cannot do certain activities without leaving friends feel as if they have to pay for me if they want me to join them. It seems that invariably friends offer to pay if I say that I cannot afford to do something.  Although I love giving and receiving gifts, I do not feel right about friends having to choose to spend time without me or pay my fee.   After all, it is my choice to be living on my current budgeted amount.

I find myself feeling as if I “should” be able to afford paying my own way even if the daily cost for some event is between $100.00 and $150.00 dollars. Certainly friends are not responsible for the choices I make.   Unlike much of the world’s population I have a limited income by choice. I choose to run my business in a way which limits the income. I choose to not work another part-time job and to spend time writing, reading, visiting with friends, riding my bike and generally enjoying my very luxurious life.  If I do not have scheduled clients or other commitments, once I get home from the gym I can “waste” entire days at the library, riding my bike, or exploring and people watching.

This experience is allowing me the opportunity to explore my love hate relationship with money.   A woman I used to visit with at meetings to explore social values, Barbara Hart, used to joke with me that we wanted to be rich socialists with a clear conscience.   That is to say that we both enjoy some of the luxuries which money can buy – particularly travel, books, good food, education – but do not want to be in the position of having more than our share or enjoying some luxury while there are people in the world without the basic necessities.   It has never seemed right to me that there is such an unequal distribution of resources.  The fact that I was born with a brain which fires synapses in a certain order thus allowing me to formulate certain thoughts which can then lead to action is not something for which I can take credit. Of course, once my brain works in a certain way I can make decisions to eat healthy, exercise,  insure daily spiritual time and choose healthy emotional support.  These things then help my brain to work better which, in turn ….  

I was raised in a culture that often evaluates worth by the amount of money one has.  Sometimes this  status is observed by noticing what clothes one has, what car one drives, what house one occupies, or other worldly luxuries does one enjoy.   Of course, this is not a very accurate way to see how much money one has since one may have any or all of these luxuries and have enormous bills.  One can also have all of these things and be obtaining money through some illegal or immoral means.

One can also read in certain magazines about the relative financial worth of many of the richest people in the world. 

Still  no matter how much money a person/family seems to have or does not have, tells me anything important about how that person/family treats themselves and other people.   Certainly I know many people with much more  money than I have who are loving, generous, people who almost always put relationships as primary in their lives.   I know other people without the basics who seem unable to treat themselves or others with much love or respect. 

I am clear that what money a person has or does not have will not, in and of itself, tell me anything about the worth of a person.  Yet, a part of me continues to feel a tiny bit of shame when I have to say that I cannot afford to go out to dinner or do something else. I know that this has nothing to do with my adult belief system, but there is still this message in that internal file cabinet in my brain.  As with many other issues, I am better at noticing that this is an old message quicker and not feeding this lie.

I know that I will continue to find that my move to Florida, the change in my income status and the aging process will provide me with many more opportunities to grow emotionally and spiritually.

As is almost always true, this process is always uncomfortable for me. The discomfort may be relatively minor or it may be acute.  Still discomfort is discomfort and I do not like it.  On the other hand, the thoughts of not growing emotionally and spiritually – of being emotionally and spiritually dead – is even more uncomfortable for me.  For this fact I am very grateful.  

Following the advice of my dear friend and colleague, Dr. Johnen, I will continue to look for new opportunities in every change that change has been planned or is unexpected. Either way I know that change is inevitable.