For as long as I can remember it has been my goal to be more aware of my prejudices and to practice letting go of them. Just this morning at the gym I said to Anna, Happy Easter. Anna quickly let me know that she is Jewish. She went on to say that ar times growing up there was a distinction between religious holiday and cultural holidays. Certainly Easter could be considered by some to be both a cultural and a religious holiday.
Still, my goal is to honor the fact that we are a very diverse community and, thus, to quit making assumptions based on habits I learned as a child. When I was growing up the primary assumption in the school and the church I attended was that we were all Caucasian, heterosexual, Christian, physically abled, of average or better IQ and that we came from a two parent, intact family. It was also assumed that there were no alcoholics or other addicts on “our side of the track”, that only bad people went to jail, and if you were a good person and worked hard you would grow up, get married to a person of the opposite sex, have 2.5 children, a sheepdog, get a job where one would work until one retired and be proud of being a God fearing Christian and a patriotic American (U.S. Citizen). I also learned that “good girls” wanted to be homemakers, loved to cook and take care of children and would work (outside the home) only if needed as a school teacher or nurse. I learned that “men” wanted to work, might have a few beers with the boys, smoked, provided for their family, was a good handy person, loved sports and left the emotional health of the family up to the “girl” to whom they were married. Additionally boys “sowed their wild oats” but never with “the good girls”.
I did not learn that some people were Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, atheist or even agnostic. I did not learn that there were healthy homosexuals (instead of “faggots), women whose career other than homemaker was primary, that many careers were possible, that we had all originated from Africa and that no one was racially pure. I did not learn that good people sometimes went to jail, could have the disease of addiction, that language was used to keep women out of certain jobs or from making enough to live independently. I did not learn that chores know no gender although some require a certain type of strength technique.
On the other hand I “observed” that my grandmother Pickett has a sister in a mental hospital, that I had a cousin who had “shell shock”, that two of my grandfathers sisters were divorced and were able to make a decent living for themselves (referred to as somewhat loose) that my Aunt Marie on my mother’s side got divorced and made a very good living. that my paternal grandparents would get a divorce and later get remarried (complete with a prenuptial agreement); that an older cousin had homosexual relationships, but did the “right” thing and got married to a woman, that my parents fought often and did not themselves go to church, and that it was rumored that my grandfather Pickett drank “way too much. I also observed that some of my paternal grandmother’s sisters’ profession was primary and that their husband’s job was secondary.
I had a female cousin who went to college (a first) and who committed suicide. Later I was told by my maternal grandfather, “You know why she killed herself. She got pregnant by one of those n---ers and killed herself and a dam good thing she did.” I was well into adulthood when I heard this and was “shocked” that this kindly old man would say something so cruel. Allegedly, no one in the family knew this. This same grandfather who would stand on the corner crying when I drove off would say to me, “You not only drive a G.. Dam foreign car. You are a G.. Dam minister and you got a G.. Dam divorce.”
Just like the move “Far From Heaven” there was a disparity between what was obvious to even the casual observer who was ready to see and what we learned or were taught. It was as if both movies - the one I was taught and the one I observed – were running concurrently, but the one I was taught was in the foreground and the one I observed was in the background.
It is not surprising then that, ever after many years of trying to rid myself of unsavory, intolerant habits of thought and actions , that I continue to say things which are not reflective of what I know or believe. Sometimes the old habits just take over. Just as soon as the words or a behavior is “released into the universe” I am acutely aware that I just did it again. I said “Happy Easter” to Anna knowing full well that there was no reason to assume she celebrates the cultural or spiritual holiday of Easter.
Again, I am reminded of how important it is to (1) be honest with myself about the fact that I need many more hours of practice in learning the language of tolerance and (2) that if I want to change I must be diligent in my daily practice. Certainly, for me, talking with others when I notice my lack of tolerance and writing about it help me to change the program in my brain. This does not make my social faux pas’ any less unattractive or unkind. This will help me to make fewer of them.
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