I have previously written about fear and the extent to which we allow fear and anger to control us.  I have not, it seems, had to deal specifically with living with fear and anger in one’s own home.

Early this morning while listening to one of the CDs, which I have downloaded on my phone, I was reminded of a story one of my favorite spiritual teachers had relayed.  The teacher is Dr. Dorothy Jones, a PhD psychologist, a professor, a wife, a friend, a well-known spiritual leader, and teacher in the Ohio Valley section of the United States.  Dr. Jones has played an important part in my life.  Although we did not know each other at the time, we were both at the University of Maryland at the same time. Later she hired me to work at a community mental health center.  Thus began, for me, a very powerful, loving and often challenging relationship. The challenge was not one in which we found it difficult to spend time with each other. The challenge was and remains one which forces me to think more widely and deeply about a variety of spiritual topics.  As is often true, some of Dorothy’s stories make a particular impression on me.  Of course, once I store a story it is, in a real sense, my story and not Dorothy’s. I can only tell a story the way I heard it and now remember it.  As is true for all of us, the story we remember may or may not bear much resemblance to what the original author intended.  At any rate, following is the story which popped up in my mind this morning. 

One evening, Dorothy was teaching a late class at a local college. At that time, the path to and the staff parking lot was not well lit and would have been fairly deserted at that time of night. Still, Dorothy was in a very spiritual, peaceful place.  As she was walking a man came up to her and was going to rob and/or accost her.  Because she was in a very strong, quiet, spiritual space she was able to look towards the man and say with enormous love, “You do not want or need to do this.”  He left without further bothering or threatening her.  Now, I am not suggesting and certainly Dr. Jones was not suggesting, that this approach is always going to work.  It happened that this man was not presently affected by active drug abuse or other factors. Thus he was able to hear the love in her voice.

Pema Chodron tells a similar story of a high school counselor who had advised one of his female students to move from her father’s house to her mother’s house.  The man who had lost his job as a police person for being overly aggressive in how he did his job was very angry.   When the father came to confront the counselor, he was very angry and immediately started verbally thrashing the counselor.  For whatever reason, the counselor who usually would have defended himself, just listened and then said the to the man, “You must really love your daughter.”  At that point the very angry man broke down and cried.

In my role as a counselor/therapist I had, at one time, a reputation for working for/with angry men with a history of physical violence.   When they would come to my office, they would often be very angry.   My goal was to “not accept the invitation” to the anger and to respond to that fearful and often painful place in their heart.  If I were consistent with responding to the pain in a strong, soft voice they would always calm down.  Of course, they were already in trouble with the law and usually did not want to get into further legal trouble. Sometimes, however, it did not matter to them. They were already feeling hopeless.  Still, 100% of the time, if they stayed in my office for the scheduled visit, they calmed down.

I do not want anyone to read this and think that I am saying that it is okay to be physically, verbally, sexually, emotionally, or otherwise abusive to another person.  We all deserve to be treated with respect.  This is true of the mother with whom I texted with this morning after adult son called her a four-letter word.  It is not okay for anyone to do that.  

I am suggesting that instead of getting angry, if this woman could learn to respond to the pain, which leads to his abusive, bullying behavior that her son would have to change his behavior or he would have to leave. As I have previously suggested, this is basic physics. All systems have to balance.   If someone is angry or bullying and the other person is calm, but strong, then the system in not balanced. The system can be balanced in the following ways:

·      The non-angry person can respond with anger – system now balanced with two angry persons.

·      Angry person can join non-angry person – system now balanced with two non-angry people.

·      One person can leave and system is balanced. (Sometimes there is a physical departure, but not a real departure and, thus, the dynamics can continue to be balanced with two angry people from a distance.)

Sounds simple and, yet, we humans find it terribly difficult to not respond to the anger with anger.  This is especially true if the current situation triggers memory of a similar situation in our past. (Some will remember that the triggering of former experiences and emotions is called Shenpa.)

In the case of the woman whose son was so inappropriate/abusive with her, the situation triggered:

•  Old memories of being bullied and abuse

•  Old memories of being a child and no one protecting her.

In other words the new situation becomes a re-creation of the a childhood traumatic situation.  She reacts as if she is still the helpless child by crying out or running away and hiding.

Such learned colleagues as psychiatrist and author, Alice Miller, and family therapists such as Murray Bowen have postulated that we will continue to relive the old traumatic situation until we realize, at a deeper level, that we are now adults and that the behavior of the other is not about us. We then have the option of not getting drawn into the drama of the other person.  We can also choose to respond to their pain while lovingly letting the abusive person know that their behavior is not acceptable.  That seemingly simple realization contains the seeds for a significant program for spiritual growth.  We will not achieve this growth overnight.  We all grow the exact same way – inch-by-inch or step-by-step. Of course, that is assuming we are practicing a program for spiritual growth.

Most of us would still prefer not to have to deal with any sort of abuse including the threat of abuse.  I agree 100%.  We should not have to live with abuse. On the other hand, even if we have a safe home, we will continue to encounter similar situations until we learn the basic spiritual lessons we need to learn.  This does not mean we intentionally invite them into our lives. It does mean that there is a lot of pain based anger “out there” and it will continue to trigger old issues until we work past/through them.

In a previous blog entry, I had committed to discussing my understanding of the Tlingit Indian concept of justice.   Since it has been a long time since I lived in the Tlingit village of Hoonah, Alaska, I am not at all sure that my memory is completely accurate.  I tried to research the Tlingit concept of justice, but found relatively little written on the subject.  The following is my memory of what my teacher David taught me.

The Tlingits believe  in the inter-connectedness of all parts of the earth.  This belief , as we know, is similar to that of a lot of spiritual people.    People, plants, animals,  and minerals are all connected  and interdependent.  As is true for any system, each part plays a vital role. No part is more important than another.  If one part breaks it affects the entire system.  If one part is functioning well  it, likewise, affects the entire system.

If a person in that system hurts something or someone in the system, they hurt the entire system and, in effect, have disconnected themselves from the system.   The question of whether the action was on purpose or by accident is never asked.  The question of intent is not important because the goal is to restore the system and not punishment. All the person is required to do is to tell anyone in that system that they want to be reconnected to the system – to come home.   If the person does not ask to be reconnected then their unspoken request to stay disconnected is honored.  This is not ostracism since the person whose action was hurtful is making the decision.    Anytime in the future that the person wants to be reconnected all they have to do is to tell anyone in the community that they want to come home.

I witnessed a wonderful example of this.  Sometime prior to my arrival a woman had, in a alcoholic blackout, killed one of her children.  She was tried and sent to the “white person’s” prison.   Shortly after I arrived, she was released from prison.  She said she wanted to reconnect to the community.  Without an exception that I could identify, she was welcomed home by her Tlingit brothers and sisters.  Many of the Caucasian people living in the village had a very difficult time with this.  They seemed to believe that this woman was bad and deserved to continue to be punished. 

My understanding of both the Buddhist philosophy and Christian religion is similar to the Tlingit approach to justice.   Both the Buddha and Jesus accepted that we are human and that when we hurt ourselves, each other or other parts of the community all are hurt.  Both taught that it is important to focus on restoring harmony/balance.  Punishing a person will not restore harmony. We cannot change the past or another person, but we can change how we behave today.  We can quit judging ourselves and others and focus on loving and helping each other create a more loving and harmonious community. If one of us  is unable to allow ourselves to act in a way which honors the sacredness of the entire community  then we are disconnected until we say we went to be reconnected.

One might ask, “What about the person who is not remorseful and does not want to reconnect; the serial killer or the sociopath who, for whatever reason, is not able to change their behavior because of psychological or neurological reasons?  Do some people need to be in protective custody?  Certainly, there are many conditions which prevent a person’s brain from functioning in a way which considers the needs of the entire community.  There are some of us who may, at times, need to be in a protected environment, not because we are worse than others or undeserving of love, but because our brain is not, for whatever reason, functioning  well.  This is not punishment, but is done in love  for the individual and for the entire community.   The problem which arises with this approach is that we have to be very careful about what behavior, we, as a community, define as dangerous to the rest of the community.   In the not too distant past, it was very easy, for example, to lock a woman in a mental institution just because she wanted a divorce from an abusive husband.  In some societies today women are stoned to death for behaving in a way which is tolerated in a man. In some of those same societies a person can be imprisoned or otherwise severely punished or even killed for having a loving sexual relationships with someone of the same gender.

We know that punishing does not lead to a more consistently loving person or community.  A person or a community may temporarily change their behavior out of fear of the punishment but they will not internalize an understanding of the equal sacredness of all parts of the system.   Our current penal system in the United States is one whose primary purpose is to punish. To be sure there are some exceptions. Some of the alternatives now being offered to some people arrested for an offense related to addiction to alcohol or some other drugs are working really well. That, however, is the exception.

I am not naïve enough to believe that adopting a more loving, forgiving system of justice which still holds all of us accountable  would result in everyone behaving in a  loving manner all the time.   Still, it is clear that the current system of retributive justice is not working.  To be sure, there are those who do get better in spite of the system.   One of the young men with whom I correspond and who has spent much of his life in prison is making some  significant, positive changes in his life.   The goal of the prison system is, however, to punish him.  Somehow many of we humans have convinced ourselves that if we treat others bad enough they will be better persons. This makes no sense to me and is not supported by any research results I have read.  It also is not part of the Buddhist or Christian belief system.  It was part of the Old Testament understanding of Justice before Jesus introduced another approach.

I believe we must continue to  explore an approach to justice which works better than the current one in the United States.

This morning I saw this quote:

When we treat man as he is, we make him worse than he is; when we treat

him as if he already were what he potentially could be, we make him what

he should be.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Jim Pickett