​Loving across lines
 
“I am Joe Biden. I am a democrat and I love John McCain.”  This is how former Vice President Joe Biden began his eulogy to his friend John McCain. 
 
Often we males are penurious in using the word love with our male friends.  Actually, even in our relationships with women, including our wives if we are married to a woman, we may worry about overusing the word.  Perhaps, only with our mothers are we frequently sensible enough to remember to use the word more liberally.
 
There are, of course, some cultural settings in which one hears males use the word love more liberally to express their affection for and appreciation of each other.  For the most part, however, our male identify seem to be so fragile that we are fearful of appearing weak or vulnerable if we use the word very often.  After all, we do not want to allow our natural interdependence on each other to interfere with our desire to make a significant profit, to prove our worth by the size our mansion or to use violence to subdue those we perceive as our enemy. 
 
We are obviously not fearful of the word love itself. We love our guns, vehicles, corner offices and other symbols of our power and so-called success.   We can love those things and grieve when they are lost, stolen and die of old age.
 
To love each other as men and women in a non-romantic manner, threatens one’s ability to put and keep each other in the boxes which prevent us from together finding a way to use our talents and resources to create a society in which all feel safe, respected and taken care of emotionally, financially, physically, and, yes, spiritually.
 
“I am Joe Biden.  I am a democrat and I love John McCain.”  Simple sounding words holding a power which supersedes labels and allows for the exploration of the various roads to reach a common goal.  Disagreement about the various roads is not personal.   John McCain did not have the answers.  Joe Biden does not have the answers.   John McCain was not defined by his party affiliation.   Joe Biden is not defined by his party affiliation.   Political parties in this and other countries change over time.   The Democrats, Republicans, Socialists, and Independents are not what they were when our grandparents were having passionate political discussions with their friends and neighbors.
 
Our grandparents and their neighbors may or may not have used the love word often, but no matter the passion of their disagreements, at harvest time or barn building time they showed up to help each other. When someone was sick, experiencing financial problem and grieving the loss of a loved one they showed up with food, clothes or whatever was needed.  They often and sadly had yet to learn that they had absorbed the lies of the artificial constructs of race, gender, sexual orientation and other isms, but even these were put aside when someone was in need.  Somehow these political positions did not interfere with how people took care of each other on a day to day basis.      I recall a survey early in the days of the AIDS epidemic which indicated that politically folks in places such as West Virginia were very “conservative” regarding sexual orientation but when folks with AIDS came home to heal or die no one in the community cared about their sexual orientation, color or any other contrived difference. They were the sons and daughters of neighbors.
 
Joe Biden loved John McCain.  They and their families were there for each other for weddings, funerals, sickness and just because. 
 
Perhaps love is character and character is love. Perhaps love does indeed matter above all else. Perhaps it is an action word which is all that matters in the long run.
 
“I am Joe Biden.  I am a democrat and I love John McCain.”
 
Written August 31, 2018

​The art of worrying!
 
It seems some of us manage to hone the art of worry until it is a finely sharp blade which seems to slice into the center of our contentment.   
 
I am fully aware that it sometimes difficult to determine whether a medical condition resulting in an unsettling feeling prompts the thought process which begins the “what if” process or if the “what if” thought process prompts the physical unsettled feeling. I suppose it does not matter. Regardless of which comes first, as soon as one begins to feed the “what if” thoughts one can become consumed by the thoughts which then threaten to immobilize one.    One has given one’s power over to the internal anxiety/worry machine.  In effect, one has said to the “what if thoughts”, “You are right. What if x happens?  There is also the possibility of Y as well as A, B, C, D, E and so forth.    There is no point in doing anything.  Bad things are going to happen regardless.”
 
One may not be consciously aware that one is having a conversation with the anxiety/worry demon.   Yet, that is exactly what one is doing.   As long as one is not consciously labeling this process as a conversation one will continue to feed the worry demon until it is directing a major portion of one’s life.  One will increasingly live in a smaller and smaller prison thinking that one is preventing negative events from happening. This does not work.   Life shows up no matter what we do.  Obviously, one still uses commons sense.  One does not drive unsafely, hang out with unhealthy people, deliberately put oneself in the path of danger if one can avoid it or otherwise court physical, emotional, or spiritual danger.   One does not, however, avoid discomfort.  Unless the discomfort is warning of a real, imminent danger, one  tells the “what ifs” “Give it your best shot but you are not in charge of my life.”
 
When one has practiced the art of worrying or allowing the feelings of discomfort/anxiety to control one’s behavior for any period of time one finds that one’s world shrinks until one is doing very little outside the relative comfort of one’s home.  If one does work outside the home, one may stay at a job because it is close to home or because it is familiar even if one is getting paid very little, is not professionally challenged or otherwise mistreated.
 
I often recommend to myself and to others to be daily intentional about one’s relationship with the lies of anxiety/discomfort.   I further recommend that all of us daily write down and share our emotional and spiritual intentions for the day. For me this means, at a minimum, that I validate that the strong me is in charge of the day.  I can and will challenge myself to grow each day.  If I am tempted to allow the “what ifs” to be in charge I will intentionally commit to moving beyond the “what if” and take what may feel like an emotional risk.  If I am tempted to avoid an issues or task because I do not want to face the discomfort I will intentionally make plans to face that issue or do that task. If I need support I will call, email, text or messenger someone.
 
I know the anxiety/worry can become, if fed, a dragon which takes charge of one’s life and limits the possibilities in all area.  As the wizard reminds Dorothy and her friends, we all have the strength we need to quit feeding the mouse which threatens to convince us that it is a dragon.
 
Written August 30, 2018

​Doing the next right thing/behavior
 
In the 12-step recovery program one often hears the reminder, “Just do the next right thing,” This is simple, clear advice is echoed by many religious group.  On the surface, it should be easy to follow. Yet, many of us struggle to follow this advice. The reasons include:
 

• It seems natural to want to react when someone is stating something that appears to be untrue.
• It is natural to want to stop violence or some other behavior which one experiences as unfair or unjust.
• Immediate gratification can be very tempting.

 
Daily, it seems a political, business, religious leader or someone else in the United States or some other country, makes a threat or an assertion to which many of us want to react by correcting the individual, proving them wrong or somehow making them stop saying or doing what they are doing.   Perhaps the most common example is wanting to punish someone or some group because they have been hurtful to others.    This is how wars start and continue.    It does not matter whether the war is between countries, political groups, colleagues or family members.   Once one allows themselves to get drawn into a “war” one is likely to engage in behavior which is not consistent with one’s beliefs/moral values, Yet, as humans who really do want to engage in moral/ethical behavior one will find some way of justifying one’s behavior. 
 
Dr. Robert Jay Lifton in his book The Nazi Doctors details how health care professionals under the rule of Hitler ended up behaving in ways which violated many of their professional and personal ethical/moral values.  Yet, they then found a way to justify their actions.   One of the most egregious examples was when doctors justified signing death certificates in the camps which killed people in the gas chambers. The doctors justified their behavior by saying that killing off certain groups of people was like amputating a diseased limb from an individual.   In this way, the doctors could say that they were still behaving in a way which was consistent with the Hippocratic oath.
 
Many religious people convince themselves that preventing a particular behavior such as abortion, same sex behavior or sharing resources with those who do not do their fair share of work justifies using behavior which would otherwise violates one’s core values.
 
As soon as one justifies even a seemingly trivial violation of one’s core values it is not difficult to justify another violation of one’s core values.
 
Certainly, we all need to be open to examining all the so called “truths” we learned beginning at a very early age.  At the same time, one may need to carefully consider what the next right thing/behavior is.  For example, do we believe that it is important to:
 

• Treat all people with respect no matter how they behave.
• Honor the fact of mental illness and other diseases which affect how the brain processes information and makes decisions.
• Distinguish between punishment and accountability.
•  Refrain from name calling or other negative labels of others.
• Pay everyone a living wage – a wage which prevents being food, home, utility or health care challenged.
• Love our enemies as ourselves.
• Treat “the least of these” with love and respect.
• Refrain from torturing others.
• Model non-violence – physical, spiritual, emotional, and financial.

 
Today I will endeavor to do the next right thing no matter what others are doing or not doing.
 
Written August 29, 2018
 
 
 
 

​The threads
 
I pick up the threads of friendship.
 
Threads woven into a thick cable
 
A cable made of
 
         Shared food
         Laughter
         Favorite poems
         Stories made new with each telling
         Nodding heads
         Music
         Art
         New ideas
         Passion
         Lazy smiles
         Shared books
        
 
The strands of the cable are all the colors of the rainbow.
 
connecting each of us.
 
Friends share friends from near and far. 
 
Some fade while others grow brighter.
 
Each leaves a mark.
 
The strands of the cable become the core of ancestors;
 
from which emerges new generations
 
which silently awaits the new threads
 
forming the coat of Joseph
Which like the loaves of bread expands to
 
cover the multitudes.
 
Written August 28, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Respect
 
The one word that I have consistently heard said about Senator John McCain who died this weekend was respect; respect for self and for others.    Since I was driving a lot of the weekend I had the opportunity to listen to tributes about his character and how he lived that character.
 
The fact that he often disagreed with former President Barack Obama, but asked him to speak at his funeral says a lot about his character.  Neither man is shy about expressing an opinion – often with passion – and yet from all accounts they spoke well of each other. 
 
He was, of course, very human. There were times when he got sucked into a critical or partisan dialogue.  From my perspective, this happened at times in his response to some statements or actions of President Trump.  Still, given the level of disrespect that I heard from President Trump about Senator McCain and his experience as a prisoner of war,  the Senator showed more restrain than most of us would have managed.
 
Senator McCain and I both attended the United States Naval Academy and both of us were committed to doing our part to create a more just and safe world.   We differed in what actions might facilitate the movement in that direction.  He was, for example, reluctantly more willing than this pacifist to use military force.
 
It is good to know that, as a nation, we are having a moment when many of us will put aside our differences and celebrate the life, hopes, and commitment of Senator McCain.   Perhaps more than ever we need this poignant reminder that we have more in common than we do differences.   Perhaps we also need another reminder from the example of Senator McCain; the reminder that we need to keep learning.  Learning, as we know, requires that one have the courage to examine “the truths” one has come to believe and when the new light reveals that they are not “evidence based” we publicly share what we have learned and take action based on the new “truths”.   Senator McCain grew up learning many of the same prejudices and other lies all of us learn in this culture.   He had the courage to embrace the new truths. I also suspect he often laughed at himself.
 
We are all far from perfect.  John McCain would have, I believe, laughed at any suggestion that he be honored as a saint.  He was a man of courage who was sometimes wise, compassionate when he was able to see the mirror, humorous, and, apparently approachable.   He believed in a necessity for war but disavowed any justification for torture.
 
In short he was a man with whom would one would have enjoyed breaking bread whether at the kitchen table or a black-tie dinner. I also suspect had I ever had the opportunity to drop by his house at dinner time, he and his family would have ensured me a place at the table.
 
Respect is indeed a little word with which we could blanket the universe.  It is an acceptance of the unfolding of our shared humanity.
 
 
Written August 27, 2018
 
 
 
 
​

​Close enough to burn
 
Many readers will be familiar with the story of Icarus, son of Daedalus, who flew too close to the sun on wings of feathers and wax. The wax melted, the feather came loose and Icarus plunged to his death in the sea.
 
All of us have limitations and it would be easy to allow our limitation to define our life journey.  If we do not reach for the sun we will wither and die.  If we get too close to the heat of the sun the wax will melt and our feather will come loose and we will plunge to our death.
 
Finding and accepting that the balance between accepting limits and refusing to accept limits is a daily goal for many of us.   Some of us get so frustrated with limits that we give up and become a couch potato or numb ourselves with alcohol, other drugs, sex, shopping or other temporary escapes.   Others of us risk death or permanent disability because we refuse to accept any limits
 
All of us who are parents are especially aware of needing to find a daily balance between doing all we can to help, cajole, beg, or challenge our children to be the best they can be and respecting the fact that they must live their own life journey.  Our children do not need to be very old before we realize that we have very little power as parents.  While they are living at home and in school we can set a good example, share with them how we make decisions and do our best to introduce them to other teachers, mentors and spiritual guides.   Even then we cannot control what they do or do not do all time. 
 
Once they technically reach adulthood, they are ready, as was Icarus, to make their own decisions. They may or may not be making decisions which we feel are wise and safe, but most of the time, we are unaware of what they are going.  In our modern world children go off on their own at 18. Either they join the service, get a job and their own apartment or go off to college.   Any illusion that we can monitor their behavior is quickly shattered.     If they are not doing well, they might move back to our home, but even then, we have no control.  We will encourage them to go to a local school , obtain other training or get a job. Eventually many will find their way and move on with their lives.   If, however, they have an illness such as mental illness or a drug addiction for which they are not getting treatment or the treatment they are getting is not effective, we will be daily challenged.   Unless we can prove that they are immediately homicidal or suicidal we cannot force them into treatment.  Even if we do manage to help them get into treatment they may stop taking their medication or working a recovery program soon after they get out of treatment.  Their medication might stop working.  Their medication alone will not necessarily help them change some of their habits of thinking and behavior which lead to one crisis after another.   Even if they have a disability income or some other source of income they may be unable to effective manage their money and be broke a few days after they get their check.   Occasionally someone might be diagnosed as unable to manage their own money resulting in a payee who manages their money for them.  This does not, however, mean that they will be able to make responsible decisions regarding sexual or other behavior. 
 
Mental illnesses, including addictions, are chronic illnesses. Even if effectively treated for a time, medications might suddenly stop working or they quit working a recovery/rehabilitation program.   Parents and/or other family members must then accept that they may not be able to do much other then, when possible, provide housing, food and other financial assistance.   Family members may also find themselves responsible for the minor children of their adult children.
 
Parents and other family members of addicts are, in today’s society, constantly accused of providing too much help and not allowing their adult children to suffer the consequences of their decisions.   It is true that when some families quit providing support some addicts get into treatment.   Many do not and may end up living on the street putting themselves at risk for serious illness and even death.    It is also true that some addicts get “sick and tired” of being sick and tired and in desperation reach out for treatment.   They may do this regardless of what help their families are providing.  It is also true that some addicts may not die and, yet, may not get sick and tired of being sick and tired until they are very old.  Some will never reach that point.
 
Parents and other family members must decide how much help they can financially and emotionally afford.   They must also decide if they can provide help without any expectations that their family member will get better or get into treatment. 
 
If family members are unable to take care of themselves emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually and help their adult children then they need to accept those limits.   If they continue to put their own health at risk and fly to close to the sun they will crash and burn.
 
Family members have to come to terms with accepting their own powerlessness over the mental illness (including addiction) of their adult children. 
 
There are no right or wrong answers regarding how much help to provide as long as it is affordable emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually and as long as one can give it with unconditional love. If, however, one cannot give without expectations, then one needs to get help with letting go of expectations.  Blaming the ill person for their illness or one’s decision to help is not realistic and not helpful to anyone.
 
I am not suggesting that letting go of the desire to fly to close to the sun is easy. I am not suggesting that giving up and having no prayers, dreams or hopes is healthy or good.  I always hope for a miracle and must also accept  my powerlessness to do anything more than loving unconditionally and practicing the serenity prayer.
 
 
Written August 25, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Traveling
 
Left for road trip
 
Wheeling to Florida
 
with stops in North Carolina and South Carolina
 
The hills of West Virginia quickly mature into mountains.
 
Mountains seem to know that one needs the
 
deep comfort of being held in arms.
 
Was it just yesterday that I was held in the arms of
 
my mother while I suckled at her breasts?
 
While driving, National Public Radio gives way to
 
so-called conservative talk radio.
 
I learn that I must be one of those “liberals” who
 
is deceitful, dangerous, sneaky, hypocritical, and supportive of
 
terrorist organizations. 
 
Who knew that the Southern Poverty Law Center was so
 
spiritually challenged and out to destroy the rights of others?
 
Who knew that there was such a conspiracy by the left to end free
 
speech?
 
The so-called left demonizes the right which demonizes the left.
 
If only one would listen to Jesus one would know that family
 
values will ensure eternal life.
 
I know, of course that family values does not include me and
 
many other sinners, unrepentant that we are.
 
All the while the mountains hold me close and gently sing:
 
“Lillaby, and good night, in the skies stars are bright.
May the moon’s silvery beams bring you sweet dreams.
Close our eyes now and rest, may these hours be blessed.
‘Til the sky’s bright with dawn, when you wake with a yawn.”
(first verse, Brahms Lullaby)
 
Written August 24, 2018
 
 
 
 

​That Wheeling Feeling
 
Last week a local business owner in Wheeling posted a comment on Facebook which many of us experienced as discounting of the experience of those who have lived with all forms of discrimination, including racism, all their lives.   There were a number of responses to his posting.   The business owner took down the posting, but it had already been shared by many.   
 
Many responses were possible by the owner, the major, the city council members, the human rights commission, and the members of the NAACP.  These responses could have been angry, judgmental, finger pointing and ultimately could have resulted in more polarizing.
 
Major Glenn Elliott, members of the NAACP including West Virginia NAACP President Owens Brown, Oho County President NAACP Darryl Clausell, Michael Duplaga III, council members and others in the community focused on insuring that this incident became a teachable moment for Mr. Duplaga and the community at large.  Following Mr. Duplaga’s posting, Major Glenn Elliott reached out to Mr. Duplaga and suggested a meeting between he and NAACP representative. They met at the owner’s place of business on August 19.  At the Wheeling City Council meeting of August 21, 2018 members of the NAACP spoke and Mr. Duplaga issued what seemed to me a very sincere apology.
 
This will not mean the end of racism, sexism, homophobia or other forms of discrimination and oppression in the Wheeling area.  It can, however, be a very powerful moment in history indicating that business owners, other community members, and the leadership of the City Council and the Major demonstrate that “The Wheeling Feeling” can come to stand for a passion for coming together, listening and learning from each other and creating a community which feels welcoming and safe to all members of the community.   We have had powerful leaders such as Mr. Brown, Mr. Clausell, Ms. Bell, staff of the YWCA, and some members of the Human Rights Commission fighting for social justice in the community for a long time.  The leadership of business people, city council members and the mayor did not always seem as loud and clear as they currently do.
 
Let’s insure that this teaching moment is the beginning an active dialogue in our schools, at community business meetings, at City Council meetings and in our homes and coffee shops; a dialogue about repairing the damage of our ongoing history of division using the artificial constructs of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, culture and others; a dialogue about coming together and not further division.
 
The Wheeling Feeling can become a metaphor for a community which celebrates inclusiveness in every aspect of our life as a community.
 
 
Written August 22, 2018

Why the Catholic Church lies and why we are complicit.
 
Once again, it has been revealed that many Catholic priests have been very sexually active and have, at times, taken advantage of their position as priests to force or encourage someone to engage in sexual activity.   There is some evidence that there may have some sexual activity with very young children who were not old enough to make an informed choice.  There is also evidence that some were old enough to make an informed choice but might have been fearful of displeasing the priest. Still others, might have been flattered or even desirous of having a sexual relationship. Some were same sex relationship and some were opposite sex relationships.  Many, if not most, required or demanded secrecy.   A long-time housekeeper or other friend might have been fine with the arrangement.  Yet, secrecy might have tainted even those relationships since secrecy often elicits shame. Some, such as the mother in the play Doubt, are,  perversely, happy that some adult is paying attention to their child. 
 
Some sexual abuse cases have been directly related to addiction. Once the addicted person was in active recovery there was no more abuse.  Some Catholic dioceses had a priest on staff who regularly monitored and ministered to those priests who might have an addiction or mental health issue.  Priests who were vulnerable to abusing themselves and other were sent off to long term treatment and then monitored/ministered to if and when they returned to active ministry.  Many dioceses did indeed transfer the troubled priest from one parish to another pretending as if the problem would not reoccur. Some Bishops and others in authority deliberately ignored reports of possible sexual abuse.  Some parish council members or other church members also deliberately chose to ignore reports or rumors of sexual abuse. 
 
There has been a tradition among many who took a vow of celibacy to distinguish between chaste and celibate.  A celibate person is unmarried and may or not be chaste.  A number of individuals I know, including many priests, insist that their vow of celibacy does not prevent them from having sexual relationships as long their primary commitment is to the Church and/or Jesus.
 
Us humans often choose words carefully to convince ourselves that we are not engaging in a behavior which we have vowed not to engage in or which we would find shameful. There are, for example, many men who regularly have sex with men but who do not identify is gay or bisexual.   There are men who believe that as long as they do not kiss the person with whom they are having a sexual relationship that they are not being unfaithful to their spouse.   One man I knew convinced himself that he could have sex with a co-worker and not violating his marriage vows as long as he did not remove his underwear.
 
Actually, there is no end to the ways in which us humans justify sexual behavior which we might find shameful and/or which we might want to hide from ourselves, our spouse, our boss, religious superiors or whomever.
 
Some of us might view the clergy including the monsignors, bishops, cardinals, and even the popes and mother superior’s particularly hypocritical in their historic denial of the intensity and forms of our sexual desires as well as our behavior, but the truth is that unless one led a very sheltered life and possibly had a very low to non-existent sex drive one has been complicit in pretending as if most humans do not struggle with sexual desires and behavior.
 
We know that the porn industry is one of the post profitable industries world while.  We know that child pornography no matter how much it may offend or disgust us is an also very profitable worldwide. Surely, we know that it is not just one or two very, very wealthy individuals supporting these industries. 
 
We seem determined however to pretend as if we can spend enough time and energy locating and punishing those who sexual behavior falls outside of a proscribed traditional adult, heterosexual marriage. We may or may not have evolved to the point where we admit that those very same individuals do not only have intercourse when willing to conceive a child in the missionary position.
 
It seems axiomatic that we quit pointing fingers and we come to terms with the fact that we are all complicit in covering up and lying to ourselves and others about the need to work together to find ways to identify and deal with our sexual desires without abusing anyone or creating more shame.  Just promising to identify criminals or abusers is not going to solve the problem.  It is time to command “at ease” to our finger pointing, move on to more accurate diagnose of sexual issues and problem solve.
 
Written August 21, 2018
 

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