It is not unusual for my six-year-old adopted niece to stop by for a snack after school on Friday. Thus, I mixed up her favorite chocolate chip cookie dough earlier in the day. The dough was now chilled and ready to cut, roll into balls and go into the oven.
I see her coming now.
Me: Hi Sam! How was school today?
Sam: School was okay, but all of us were glad that it was Friday.
Me: Do you have homework for the weekend?
Sam: Just a book I have to read and report on.
Me: Let me see the book.
Sam: Here it is. It is called “A Bad Case of Stripes.”
Me: Oh yes. I love that one. A man by the name of David Shannon wrote that. Do you know what it is about?
Sam: The teacher, Mrs. Williams, said it is about how all of us are different.
Me: Shall we get the cookies in the oven and let them bake while we talk?
Sam: Let’s do. I l o v e chocolate chip cookies!
Sam and I make 12 balls and carefully place them on the cookie sheet. I notice hers are quite a bit bigger than mine.
Me: Great job Sam. Let me put them in the oven and you can set the timer for 12 minutes. Do you remember how to do that?
Sam: Yes. Is this right Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes. Now we just have to push the little bar on the bottom to start the timer. See how the number window starts to move right away.
Sam: It counts really fast Uncle Jim
Me: Yes it does.
Sam: Uncle Jim, kids in Paul’s class were really upset today.
Me: How come Sam?
(Paul is Sam’s 12-year-old brother who is in the 6th grade)
Sam: Paul said last night at dinner that some of the kids and their parents were upset because one of the boys is coming to school in a dress and wants to use the girls bathroom. He said the boy is dans something.
Me: Ahhh. Did he perhaps say transgender?
Sam: Yes, I think that is the word. Transdenger
Me: Close. Transgender. Trans means across and gender means whether someone is male or female. So, transgender means that someone who is a boy feels more like a girl and someone who is a girl feels more like a boy.
Sam: Sometimes I feel like more of a boy. Dad calls me a tomboy! Am I transbender.
Me: No Sam, you are not transgender. You like both boy and girl things, which is really good just like Paul, your brother, likes boy and girl things.
Sam: Why are some things boy things and some things girl things?
Ding, ding goes the timer.
Sam: Uncle Jim, the cookies are done! They smell so good.
Me: Let me take them out. We will let them cool a moment. In the meantime let’s roll up 12 more cookies. Okay Sam?
Sam: Okay Uncle Jim.
Me: Do you want a glass of milk with your cookies Sam?
Sam: Yes, please. Now can I have a cookie?
Me: Not quite yet. Get your glass and I will get the milk.
Sam: Here it is.
I pour milk and use the spatula to put a cookie on a plate.
Sam: Oh. It is still hot and the chocolate gets all over my fingers
Me: And your mouth. Now you have a chocolate mouth and can give chocolate kisses!
Sam: Uncle Jim, you are so silly!
Me: You were asking why some things are boy things and some things are girl things. Well, Sam that is changing but most people used to think that girls took care of babies and the house and boys went to war and ran machines or were doctors. There were always some girls who did boy things and girls who did boy things. My Aunt Marie was a girl and she taught flying a long time ago when most people thought that was a boy’s job.
Sam: That was silly.
Me: Yes it was. Sometime we will talk about why girls could cook and men could be chefs in expensive restaurants.
Sam: What is a chef Uncle Jim?
Me: That is a cook who makes a lot of money. It used to be that just boys were called chefs and girls were called cooks. Cooks got paid very little and chefs were paid a lot of money. There are a lot of other examples which we can talk about another time.
Me: Here goes another sheet of cookies. Do you want to set the timer again?
Sam: Yes.
Me: Very good Sam.
Sam: So neither Paul nor I are dandenger?
Me: No, I do not think that either you or Paul is transgender. At least neither of you has shared anything which indicates that to be the case. A transgender girl feels like she is really a boy and a transgender boy feels as if he is really a girl. Many will later even have surgery to make them more like the person that they feel that they are.
Sam: Surgery like cut.
Me: Well, yes, surgery sometimes requires cutting but the doctor in the hospital does it.
Sam: So some boy in Paul’s class wears a dress and wants to use the girl’s bathroom. Most of the kids did not care but the teachers got really upset and then some of the kids got upset.
Me: Really? Why do you think that they got upset?
Sam: I don’t know Uncle Jim. Everyone goes into little rooms in the bathroom.
Me: I think that the little rooms are called stalls Sam.
Sam: Oh yes. Now I remember. But why were the teachers so upset?
Me: I don’t know Sam, but I think that some people are more comfortable when everything seems to stay the same. They think that they know what to expect.
Sam: Like I know we will have cookies on Friday.
Me: Well, yes, but you know that sometimes we make a fruit salad or we make a pie. Remember how much fun we had using the apple peeler to make the apple pie? You were also really good with rolling out the crust.
Sam: And the pie was so good.
Me: Y yes it was. It was a good thing that there was plenty to share with Paul and your parents.
Sam: Yes, they really liked it.
Ding. Ding.
Sam: Time to take out the cookies Uncle Jim
Me: Yes. Let me take them out and set them on the rack to cool.
Sam: So if Paul thought he was supposed to be a girl or I thought I was supposed to be a boy you would not care Uncle Jim?
Me: No, your parents and I would be fine. Grandma, Grandpa, Mamma and Pop Pa might have a tough time, but I think they would be fine once they got used to the idea.
Sam: I would feel funny going into the boy’s bathroom.
Me: What would make you feel funny?
Sam: I would be afraid that they would make fun of me.
Me: Yes, sometimes when we are different other kids or adults do make fun of us. I wonder if the book, “A Bad Case of Stripes” will help us. Shall we read it tomorrow Sam? We have talked about the fear previously Sam. Should we allow the fear to stop us from doing things?
Sam: I don’t think so Uncle Jim, but I don’t like it when kids made fun of me.
Me: I know. It does not feel good. We will talk more about that again when we read the book tomorrow Sam.
Sam: Okay.
Me: Here, let’s put the rest of the cookies in the bag so that you can take them to share with Paul and your parents.
Sam: Tansdenger? I am having a difficult with that word Uncle Jim.
Me: That is okay. It is transgender.
Sam: Can we talk more about this another time Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes we can. Of course, Paul can join us if he likes.
Sam: Paul invited the boy to our house to play tomorrow. His name is Tom but he likes to be called Tomadella or?
Me: Perhaps Tomacella?
Sam: I think that is it. Could I just change my name to Princess?
Me: You are a princess, but I think in school the teacher is still going to call you Sam which you know is short for Samantha.
Sam: Sam is easier to write! Some people say it is a boy’s same.
Me: Well it can be a boy’s name although Samantha generally is just a girl’s name. Sam can be a boy or a girl’s name.
Sam: Okay Uncle Jim.
Sam is clear that she is finished with the conversation for the day. She is always good about letting me know when we need to stop.
Written November 6, 2015
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