I was recently having dinner with friends and their young child was busy exploring everything around him. If one looked away for a second he would be in the next booth, finding the fork one thought one had put safely out of his reach, or researching the concept of gravity with the liquid in dad’s glass. Understandably, his parents, who had another child only a few weeks old, were exhausted and wanting the young child to “behave” for one minute. Uncle Jim said, “Wow. You are a wonderful little scientist.” As parents, the goal of my friends was to encourage the desire to explore the world and how it works while, at the same time, insuring that the child did not get hurt or hurt someone else. Of course, if honest, another goal at that time of day was to just have a moment’s peace – to be able to take an uninterrupted breath.
One of the luxuries of one’s child being 44 is that one no longer has to be so concerned about the behavior of one’s child which leaves one plenty of time to encourage the children of one’s friends and relatives to explore the world, make all the noise one wants, and to generally insure that the parents are driven over the edge! This is what the good aunt, uncle; grandparent or close friend has the privilege of doing. Depending on the energy level of the parents, one is either balancing out the rule based parenting or one is teaching the child to misbehave and, thus, one deserves to be sent to one’s room along with the child.
As we know, there are many instances when the same behavior can be labeled as something positive or negative. For example, as a counselor, I have often worked with/for individuals who seems unable or unwilling to experiment with a new behavior, which has less negative consequences. One might refer to such refusal or inability as stubborn. I might stay to that client, “The determination you are showing is a wonderful. I wonder what might happen if you used that same behavior in practicing a new behavior, which might give you the outcome, the healthy part of you wants. If they were able to allow themselves to do that I might describe the new behavior as tenacious. Tenacious is generally considered a positive term, but essentially means the same thing as stubborn. Both stubborn and tenacious are characterized by perseverance or persistence (Heritage Dictionary of the English language). Still, if I suggested to the client that he/she be stubborn about new behavior it would not have the same connotation and might make it more difficult for the person to change their behavior.
Another favorite concept of mine is “failure”. Often the important question is whether I see something as a failure or a success. If I am a research scientist looking for a cure or even treatment for some disease I am going to spend most of my time finding out what does not work (proving the null hypothesis). Is each experiment, which does not yield a cure or effective treatment a failure or a success? I would call it a success because I have found out what does not work which then allows me to narrow or broaden my research. I often tell clients, particularly those under the age of 18, that, in my office, failing is wonderful. I tell them that the only people who do not frequently fail are the ones who never try to learn anything new. They never fail, but they also never succeed. To succeed one has to be willing to fail.
I was reading another examples of word use this morning. The word was terrorist. What is a terrorist? What differentiates a terrorist from a patriot? One can go to the FBI webpage and find the U. S. Code definition of terrorism (18 U.S.C. #2331 , chapter 113 B) – international terrorism and domestic terrorism. The definition contained in that code is an accurate description of those who flew their planes into the twin towers and the Pentagon as well as the ones, which who hijacked the plane, which crashed in Pennsylvania. It might be used to describe the behavior of the man who was just convicted of the Boston marathon bombing or the shooting of the 9 individuals in the Charleston Church. Would the use of that word accurate connote or denote the motive of the person(s).
We do not normally use the word terrorist to describe the behavior of the United States in foreign countries whether the operation was overt or covert – military or CIA initiated and executed. Other countries would not always describe the behavior of those fighting the United States as terrorists. We do not generally use the term terrorist to describe the behavior of our allies such as Israel. Depending on the country, group or religion associated with those initiating attacks the label may be different. If we have previously labeled a particular group or country as an enemy we might be quick to link a violent event with the term terrorist. We may then link the word terrorist to a particular religion or group. In recent years we have often made this mistake with those practicing the Muslim religion.
A good reminders of the use or misuse of the term terrorist is contained in recent events including the Charleston Bombing, the sentencing of the person responsible for the Boston Bombing, and the trial and sentencing of the man responsible for the attack at the Colorado theater. We might have been “trained” to think of most terrorism attacks in the United States as related to Islamists, but, as Anhvinh Doanvo, a research assistant for the Global Initiative on Civil Society and Conflict, points out in a letter to the editor in the St Petersburg Tribute of June 25, 2015:
“According to the FBI’s timeline of terrorist attacks, more terrorist attacks from 1980-2005 have been associated with Jewish extremist on U. S. soil than Islamists – 7 percent and 6 percent were associated with the groups, respectively. Newer data sets have told a similar story. Duke University found that on average nine American Muslims were involved in attempted terrorist attacks every year since 9/11, resulting in 50 fatalities. In start contrast, West Point’s Combating Terrorism Center recorded 337 right-wing extremist attacks per year, resulting in 254 fatalities since 9/11. Similarity, the Global Terrorism Database of the University of Maryland has recorded 24 Islamic extremist attacks since 9/11; 65 right-wing terrorist attacks were recorded over the same time period.”
The author also points out that “And although the difference in the courts between hate crimes and terrorism is almost comically arbitrary, it is likely that the share of terrorist attacks by right-wing extremists is even more lopsided than what these statistics suggest.”
These distinctions become important because, as the author of the letter also points out, the misconceptions and inaccurate data can be used to “support costly interventions in the Middle East”. These distinctions also help determine what issues we are going to identify and address as individuals and as a nation.
Let us look at another word - Rendition. It generally means what we learned in grade school. It is another version of a piece of piece of music or some other work. Yet, it came to have a new meaning after 9/11 as opensocietyfoundation.org reminds us:
After the 9-11 attacks against the United States, the Central Intelligence Agency conspired with dozens of governments to build a secret extraordinary rendition and detention program that spanned the globe. Extraordinary rendition is the transfer—without legal process—of a detainee to the custody of a foreign government for purposes of detention and interrogation.
One could go on to list numerous examples of words and what they both connote and denote as well as what new meanings have been assigned to them. If the reader wants to have some fun they are directed to the web site Shakespearwords.com which there is a very long list of words used by Shakespeare which often have a multitude of meanings then and now.
It is also true that that the connotation of a particular word for me might be very different for the person who is hearing or reading the word. For example I once referred to the fact that a woman whose self esteem was a minus 50 as making herself small. She heard this a sarcastic reference to her weight, which was significant. She never did forgive me no matter how hard I tried to correct what I intended for her to hear.
The word hard is another word that is often misunderstood or used in such a vague way that it is not useful. One might say that it is hard to change meaning it is scary to change or it feels scary to change. On might also say that my shovel is made out of hard steel.
It is easy for this human to have a word pop into my mind to then open mouth letting it emerge and, as they say, insert foot. (Sometimes the whole leg). I often have not been as thoughtful as I might about my choice of words. I know it serves me and others well if I am more intentional and considerate about what words I use and my motive for doing so. This is not going to eliminate all communication issues, but it would be a start.
Finally I want to suggest that we have some fun with language.
From the website ukstudentlife.com:
Sounds and Letters
A poem for English students
When in English class we speak,
Why is break nor rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it's true
That we say sew, but also few?
When a poet writes a verse
Why is horse not rhymed with worse?
Beard sounds not the same as heard
Lord sounds not the same as word
Cow is cow, but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with toe.
Think of nose and dose and lose
Think of goose, but then of choose.
Confuse not comb with tomb or bomb,
Doll with roll, or home with some.
We have blood and food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.
There's pay and say, but paid and said.
"I will read", but "I have read".
Why say done, but gone and lone -
Is there any reason known?
To summarise, it seems to me
Sounds and letters disagree.
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