A lot of my work these days is done via email, phone, skype/face time, or snail mail. I do see a limited number of clients for coaching in my home office. Prior to moving, when I had a very busy psychotherapy practice operating in my home office, I saw most of my clients in person. They used email, phone, and Skype but in most cases, it was to augment in-person sessions.
My home office was in my large Victorian home which had sliding doors known as pocket doors with which one could use to close off the living room from the entrance hall and the rest of the house. Clients would enter the house in the vestibule and, if the pocket doors were closed, go to the kitchen, which was also a waiting room. There they knew to help themselves to tea, decaffeinated coffee, juice, freshly baked cookies, or after school snacks. Most of the clients felt safe and “at home.” A few who had very bad memories of home needed an office which was more clearly an office.
After the last client would leave in the late afternoon or evening I would vacuum, dust, fluff all the couch cushions, clean up the kitchen, and make sure all the flowers were fresh looking. In other words I prepared the house to welcome tomorrow’s guests.
Most days the living room was used solely for those special guests whom the insurance companies thought of as clients. When I was relaxing during the evenings or when not working on the weekends, I would read and listen to music in the second floor den. Casual personal guests were also entertained in the den. Occasionally a family member of a client would ask to watch television in the den as they waited.
In essence, the first floor room where I saw clients were more like the room my grandmothers called the parlor. The parlor was a room seldom used for immediate family, although an immediate family member might be permitted to pick a book from the extensive library in my Grandmother Pickett’s home or enter to play the piano, which was also housed in that room. The parlor might be opened to allow extended family members on holidays or on the occasion of a post-funeral gathering or wedding celebration.
If there was a young man or woman of dating age they might be allowed to receive their date in the parlor although never with the doors closed or unsupervised.
The parlor (parlous) according to dictionary.reference.comwas:
Parlor
or (especially British) parlour
[pahr-ler]
noun
1.
Older Use. a room for the reception and entertainment of visitors to one's home; living room.
2.
a room, apartment, or building serving as a place of business for certain businesses or professions:
funeral parlor; beauty parlor.
3.
a somewhat private room in a hotel, club, or the like for relaxation, conversation, etc.; lounge.
4.
Also called locutorium. a room in a monastery or the like where the inhabitants may converse with visitors or with each other.
adjective
5.
advocating something, as a political view or doctrine, at a safe remove from actual involvement in or commitment to action:
parlor leftism; parlor pink.
I did not attempt to do further research on the 5th definition meaning “advocating something.” I am mainly interested in the concept as applied to the private home.
The parlor in the home of both of my grandmothers and in the home of many other family members was always ready to receive guests all of whom were to be treated as well as the most important person in the world. Every guest was to be treated as the equivalent of the prodigal son returning home. It was important that guests be made to feel special and know that one was prepared for them. In the parlor, one might make use of a tea or coffee service which was not used for normal family gatherings. Not all homes, of course, boasted a parlor or a formal tea or coffee service. I grew up in a three-room house without running water, indoor plumbing, or electricity. There were seven of us who lived in this very tiny house. We certainly did not have a parlor or a formal tea or coffee service. The front room of the house was the kitchen, living room, dining room, sewing room, and project room. The middle room was a very small room with a full bed and a twin bed. As my two sisters got older they took over the twin bed while the boys slept in the double bed. The third room was my parents’ small bedroom.
Despite the lack of a parlor in my parent’s home, I was raised to know that guests were always to be treated special.
When I became an adult and had my home it was not until I was older that I had a room which was largely reserved for guests and later clients who were, of course, sacred guests.
I am now living in two-bedroom condo/villa. The living room is my den, parlor, project room, and general use room. Still, I occasionally see clients in this home office. Thursday was such a day. When I had finished breakfast dishes I dusted, washed windows, cleaned the floors (tile with only area rugs), checked the condition of the flowers, and made sure that all was ready to brew coffee or tea. Sadly I no longer always keep homemade cookies in ample supply since I do not often have guests who eat cookies. In other words, I prepared for my special guests. The goal was not and is not to impress the guests. The goal is to do all I can to let guests know that they are sacred – very honored visitors.
Preparing for guests on Thursday reminded me of the formal parlors of my grandparents and other family members. Obviously, whether or not one had or has a parlor/formal living room or whether, like me, one just has one all purpose room, the ideal of insuring that guests feel important and welcomed – as if they are the most important person in the world – is one which I think we would do well to hold on. I often advise families to try to have a family dinner at least once or twice a week. I suggest that during family dinners cell phones get shut off, televisions not be on, and if one has special company dishes and table linens that one use them. In other words I suggest that families and even individuals living alone create a little island temporarily cut off from the rest of the world. Without the television or the cell phones, family members are more likely to visit with each other. The purpose of using good china and linens is to create an atmosphere in which one is invited to slow down and be present. Not only will family members be more likely to nurture each other but also if one is more relaxed food digests better. It is a win – win.
Even in the three-room house of my parents with a picnic style table in the kitchen and a mismatched set of dishes. my mother would prepare for my father’s arrival home from work by putting on a dress (no matter how old), high heels, and makeup. Sadly, she still might have been angry but she made an effort to welcome her husband home. We children were also required to clean up in preparation for the evening meal.
The parlor or formal dining room can be anywhere. For some people this is gathering at a table in the yard or going on a picnic. Some nights there will be no family gathering. Dinner is going to be everyone grabbing something to eat so that they can get to their scheduled activities, but most families can set aside two or three nights a week to gather and let each other know:
1. What they appreciate about each other.
2. Their private or individual news.
3. The thoughts on business decisions.
4. What they are thinking, interested in, concerned about, studying, etc.
5. Their expressions of apology when needed. Perhaps one got very angry or got frustrated or short with another a family member in the rush of the morning or forget to do something they had promised to do or …
The parlor is not a place, but an emotional cocoon - one’s comfort zone. We can use rooms, things, special food to create this cocoon, but those are not necessary. It is necessary to be present enough to treat each other as special, sacred guests.
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