​What if no one weeps?
 
Deaths related to WWII, the Korean war, the Vietnam war, the Gulf war, Operation Enduring Freedom,  other wars in which the United States has involved itself, the AIDS epidemic, and the now the “natural” aging related deaths are reminders  life is very brief.  It is important to always make time to celebrate the gift of love and share  the tears of joy and sorrow.
 
I was born in Chicago.   My earliest memories include the war blackouts of all lights to prevent pilots from seeing the city. I also recall the neighbor’s house being destroyed by fire, a drunk person lying on the sidewalk and no one stopping to help him, and much morel Early on I had an introduction to racism, classism, and other isms which separated various community members into what the journalist and podcaster Trey Kay is calling Us and Them.   Mr. Kay’s goal is to present both “us” and “them” as flesh and blood kinfolk who have more in common than they do differences.   His most recent “Us and them” podcast has to do with individuals who grew up together and now must deal with all the health and other issues connected with the greed, the economic benefits  and the health issues associated with the mining, selling and use of fossil fuels in states such as West Virginia.   If one listens to Mr. Kay’s podcast one is forced to confront the reality of the fact that most of those involved in working in the mines as well as those neighbors who owned small mines were eager to make a decent living so they could take care of their children and also protect the environment for living, hunting, and enjoyment.  Some, of course, came from out of state with their seeming attachment to money as the god of their understanding.  In the end, of course, they did not take the money with them as they ended their brief life journey.     Often they did not reclaim the land but left the mountains and streams unfit for human life.   Some are attempting to reclaim the land and thus the mountains and the streams.
Sadly, unless there is some federal help, many of those who worked all their life in the mines could now lose their pension benefits as mine after mind declares bankruptcy. 
 
It is tempting to label and judge “them” who owned the mines and seemed able to disassociate from “them the miners and their families” and the land while they pursued their version  of the “American Dream” which allowed for the destruction of life and land.
 
It is tempting to judge those who continue to work the mines and, thus, contribute to the use of fossil fuel.
 
It is tempting to judge those “tree huggers” who seemingly are unable to identify with the choices of “them”.
 
Whether dealing with war, environmental issues, economic issues, religious issues  or political issues it is tempting to dehumanize or detribe “them”.     We have all done this at some point in our lives; probably we still do.
 
I was thinking of the value of weeping earlier this week.   As I mentioned in a previous blog, I  stopped to honor the lives of two who ended their life journey this week.  For both there were a lot of tears as well as warm and fun memories
 
I was also thinking of the value of weeping when I read of the bankruptcy of another major coal company or corporation. It is easy to label the owners of this company as “them” – as those who will not personally suffer financial hardship – during this Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
 
I was thinking of the value of weeping as I listened to the recent announcement that the head of a so called terrorist organization was killed.  To be sure this person seemed to have become a master of us and them thinking allowing him to commit horrific deeds.  It is easy to think of him as a “them” just as he did when brutally killing or ordering the killing and torturing of others.    After all, when our government orders bombings, torturing and other “necessary acts of violence” we are doing it for a necessary and just cause and not because we enjoy it.  “They” clearly volunteered to be “them” while we were first labeled as “them”.    Thus there is no need to weep at the killing of these people even though they were sons, daughters, siblings, aunts, uncles, partners and friends.
 
The drunk on the sidewalk; those in the jails; those in homeless shelters; those who are destroying the environment; those who have satisfied the requirement as “them”  do not deserve our tears unless, of course, they slip from them to us. Then we may weep.
 
Written October 31, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Who or what is in charge?
 
The question of who  one works for is often a tough question to answer.  Certainly, if working for company/corporation, or other institution which issues a paycheck their staff thinks one works for them.   If one is self-employed and getting paid by individual customers one might think one works for those customers.  
 
The whistleblower would suggest that he or she works for a moral or legal authority. 
 
In my own profession, if one is billing insurance companies it often may seem as if one’s primary employer are the representatives of various insurance companies who determine if the company will reimburse one for services provided or about to be provided.  The ethics board of the particular licensing authority may suggest that no matter what the insurance company representative decides one has an obligation to put the needs of the client/patient first.  Yet, if one does not get paid and one cannot feed oneself and one’s children then one might decide that there is a more important ethical guideline – one’s commitment to one’s children.  For some ethical or moral principles might be based on religious or some philosophical base.
 
Often when the representatives of this or other political bodies goes to war one may call upon the god of one’s understanding to let one win a battle or battles.   The decision to start a war and do all one can to win the war may be done in the name of the God of one’s understanding. 
 
Many of us humans are articulate and creative in justifying our behavior. This may be especially true not only when we are angry at another person, entity or even country but also when our primary moral authority is fear; fear of losing a job, fear of losing custody of a child, fear of being considered a bad parent or fear of what others might think.  We may worry about our professional license or our political base. We may worry about being poor and/or being discarded by a particular social class.
 
The question of who or what is in charge and, often the priority of various principles or values is one most of us face on a daily basis.  As a counselor if I am billing insurance companies I may allow the knowledge of what diagnosis an insurance company will pay for to determine my diagnosis.  I might, for example, decide to bill for treatment for clinical depression when the person has a temporary situational depression.  I may decide if someone is on probation or parole to obey the letter of the law because I am concerned about future referrals.
 
As a parent we sometime have to weigh the options available to us or the options we are able to envision at that moment in time. It may seem as if all options are equally problematic or harmless.
 
The easiest way to make moral or ethical decisions is to follow a very either – or, absolute set of guidelines set by the those who directly or indirectly issues one’s  paycheck or those whose religious opinion determine one’s eternal future.  This approach often says that action X is always right or wrong no matter what the circumstances or consequences.
 
Many of us are unable or unwilling to make decisions using this approach.    Many of us find that we must:
 

• Accept that our educated guesses of what is best for all affected by a decision is ever evolving.
• Accept that we must surround ourselves with a “we” of mentors that we respect who will challenge us to think deeper about short and long term consequences of such decisions.
• Question our own honestly with ourselves and others about our true reasons or justifications for endorsing a particular decision.  We may find that fear, relative attractiveness, money or other factors are significantly influencing our opinions or decisions.

 
I am among those who must use these above mentioned steps.   Once again I find that I must begin with the willingness and the courage to question my own motives and thinking;    I may want to think that my “internal boss” is a very compassionate principle when in fact my “internal boss” is fear, lust or greed.   In other words I may have to daily confront my human tendency to lie to myself about who or what is in charge.
 
October 30, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 

Blessings of the tribe
 
We all know death is a natural part of life and, yet, when it arrives we are never quite ready.  Of course, if someone has been In a lot of pain and lost much of the quality of life, there will be a part of one that is grateful that they are no longer suffering or just existing.
 
If one is very blessed at the time of death of a loved one  there is a tribe  which gathers, share memories, and supports each other.  This tribe will offer practical help and not set any time limits for the grieving and transition process.
 
Many not be an active or recognized  part of a tribe or one’s tribe may have been disbursed because of job choices, war, or a variety of other reasons.   Some of us are blessed to be able to be accepted into tribes other than those into which we were born.
 
Some of us may, if not careful, make work or other tasks a priority and nurturing the members of one’s tribe gets put on a back burner.  Some of us may decide, based on a past hurt or,  it is not safe to allow anyone else close and disconnect from present or future tribal members.
 
In the past couple of weeks I have had several reminders of the power of tribal membership.   I think of my nephew Wendell and his wife Toni who seem to frequently be the tribal chiefs in their community and in their extended family. Just this past weekend I had a note and phots of them  hosting a gathering of old and new neighbors for a pumpkin carving party.  If one is blessed to be invited to their home or if one just happens to pass by their home and wanders in they will find a warm welcome; a welcome so accepting that one knows that one has always been a member of the tribe even though one has just been made aware of that fact.    I also think of the gatherings at two funeral homes this week which I attended and at which I found “family”.   I was able to attend the funeral and the country church luncheon in honor of one of those family members.   There was  homemade food,  warm hugs, laughter, tears, prayers and a sense that in the church that was first built in 1806 arms had always remained open for those who had a shared history and those who might not have met since ancestors of long ago left the African continent from which we all originated.  Since I grew up a country boy I felt right at home.
In recent days I have heard reports of small groups of people who have very different political views gathering to strengthen the connection as tribal members a fact that often gets lost in the midst of political or religious disagreements; disagreements which seems so important that they overrule kindship connections.  It is important to know that the goal is not to convince the other that their views are right, but to acknowledge that family/tribal membership is what counts.
 
It is not a question of whether or not we are all tribal members. It is a question of whether we are blessed to know and accept this fact.  It is a question of whether we hold back out of fear that we are not worth being a member of the tribe or we have failed to recognize that we only have this second to decide if we are going to be intentional about nurturing the members of our tribe.
 
As it turns out we have what is sometimes called concentric circles of tribal membership:  those who may be geographically or emotionally very close; those who are less close or whose emotional, physical or spiritual illness keeps them distant;  those we have yet to meet in this life journey but who are a part of our DNA -  an ancestor who has been quietly present and whose influence goes unnoticed or is attributed to some other source.
 
In that little county church in which I and other tribal members gathered today to break bread together, there is a photo of the Methodist Bishop Francis Asbury who once spoke to 1000 tribal members gathered at the original church building that stood on that site.   It is said that Bishop Asbury traveled on horseback the equivalent of ten times the circumference of the earth. I imagine a spider web like connection between all those tribal members he visited and sought to bring the simple message of a teacher named Jesus who is as distant as the years on the calendar or as close as the love we share; as close as our sense of being blessed and being a blessing.
 
Written October 29, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday Musings – October 27, 2019
 
It has been a week of doing all I can to be present as new and old friends faced life on life terms or fell into the trap of old messages which told them to run by  numbing themselves out. Yet even falling back into negative behavior becomes another opportunity to stop and change course; to accept that we are all human and often have to own our mistakes, learn from them and move on. 
The week culminated in attending the Gateway Medical Society annual gala and awards ceremony in Pittsburgh at the invitation of my friend Dr. Marv McGowan who, along with his partner keep giving back to the community.   The Gateway Medical Society has a proud history of taking care of  and mentoring each other which began when African American doctors and nurses were not allowed to see Caucasian patients.   Now the organization mentors a number of African American males beginning when young men are in 6th grade.  They also award scholarships and other support to medical students.    The members are leaders in their communities often providing services to those who would otherwise not get the services all need for physical, emotional and spiritual health.My brief remarks do not begin to describe the work the members of this organization do to “minister to” the needs of the body and souls of their patients and each other.  It is indeed a ministry and not just a job.As always I left this gala feeling humbled, inspired and energized.One of the last speakers, Margaret Larkins-Pettigrew, MD, M.Ed, MPPM, who was given a lifetime achievement award shared the poem which is frequently attributed to Mother Theresa, Anyway. This poem sums up the  walk that backs up the talk of the members of this organization.  We would all do well to heed the advice contained therein.Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
[Reportedly inscribed on the wall of Mother Teresa's children's home in Calcutta, and attributed to her. However, an article in the New York Times has since reported (March 8, 2002) that the original version of this poem was written by Kent M. Keith.]
 
 
Written October 27, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

The innocents!
 
This morning I read that one of the candidates for governor of West Virginia is following the lead of some federals officials in calling for the death penalty for drug dealers.   Often, it seems, there are always those who campaign with a promise to be tough on crime.  I know there are those who feel safer when such promises are made, but I always feel less safe when one talks about increasing punishment for certain crimes.  I  use the terms “certain crimes” because it seems to me that those behaviors which are codified as crimes are very subjectively chosen. Also, enforcement and punishment are often based on one’s status, access to money, political clout, skill in tying up cases in court for years, skills of attorneys, racism, sexism and many other factors.
 
Oxford dictionary defines crime as

• An action or omission which constitutes an offense and is punishable by law.
• Illegal activities.
• An action or activity considered to be evil, shameful, or wrong.

 
Examples of crimes in the States include:

• In many states a decision by a physician that an abortion is necessary.
• Illegal activities such as stealing committed in order to feed an addiction to alcohol or other drugs.
• Hurting another person physically unless defending oneself
• Committing an illegal act when one does not have a brain which is working well enough to make logical decisions.
• In some cases causing harm to someone to make a profit.
• Taking what does not belong to one if that action is not sanctioned by a government entity.
• Until recently homosexual activity  although it is still a crime in many countries and some in this county continue to shame those loving those of the same gender.
• Deliberately distracting oneself or multi-tasking while driving
• Having or attempting to have sex with a person unable to give consent as an equal.
• Selling drugs for a profit without a license.

 
Many other activities are not considered a crime. These include:
 

• Shrew business deals which may result in emotional or financial harm to a person(s), family, other business or entity unless it can be proven the motivation was to harm others.
• Making a profit which is much larger than needed to take reasonable care of self and family for providing health care services.
• Paying administrator such as CEOs large salaries even if health care or other needed services are thereby limited.
• Making a profit off of prisons rather than helping individuals heal/change.
• Harming people and the environment so that a small group can make a financial profit.
• Selling weapons for profit.
• Starting wars because of self-interest.
• Spending tax payer money to enhance personal pleasure which is not available to all.
• Harming or destroying careers because one can or one can thereby gain politically or financially.
• Defining crime based on status, ability to hide or power position including religious power.

 
The problem with one’s often subjective definition of and enforcement of crimes is that not only does it seem morally wrong to me, it is long term harmful to everyone.    For example, we, as a society, cannot decide if addiction is a medical issue, causes physical changes to the brain, is a moral issue,  or is limited to how certain drugs affect the brain after one freely makes a decision to use or abuse certain drugs.    We distinguish addiction to drugs from addition to power, sex, food, things.  The addiction to money and power of the non-drug addiction of the drug dealer is considered a choice. This person could have instead chosen to be a CEO of a health care facility and used a significant portion of the profit to pay themselves a huge salary which resulted in some needing services to not get them and subsequently dying.   One is a criminal and one is a smart business person.
 
What if there are no innocents?  What if people such as Jesus were right to suggest, “Let you who is without sin throw the first stone.”  
 
I am not suggesting that selling unsafe drugs which can result in serious addiction or even death is good or moral.   I am suggesting that one needs to treat the person attached to making money as a way to feel powerful or good about themselves with compassion and treatment.    I am suggesting that we quit pretending as if there are innocents and offenders.
 
It is true that some crimes are more immediately dangerous and need to be quickly stopped. 
 
It is also true that there are no innocents. We humans all fall short of being the best we can.  We do need to more accurately diagnose the various ways we human harm each other and decide if it possible to work towards a more just society in which resources are more equally shared.  We do need to work towards a better understanding of the factors which affect the ability to make decision which are less harmful to self and others.
 
The current system of justice is not fair or just.  It is not designed to stop crimes – only certain crimes – or to protect the innocents.    It is not designed to heal or rehabilitate.  It is designed to satisfy our need to pretend as if  some of us can comfortably continue our crimes while selectively punishing others and pretending as if punishment works.
Perhaps then we can articulate more helpful questions.
 
Written October 26 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpikett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Say what you mean but do not say it mean.
 
Grandma Fannie always had a lesson to teach us but, in my memory, did it in a rather off hand or “by the way manner” unlike some adults in my young life and superiors in my adult life who were convinced that a stern, hour long lecture was required.  One of the lessons of which she would remind me and other young people was “Say what you mean  but do not say it mean.”
 
I was thinking of this  lesson while talking to a friend who remarked that she likes a current political person because he says what he means and does not pull any punches.   This is what she hears the person doing. I head this same political figure as being mean and hateful towards those who disagree with him and his actions.  In other words I seldom hear a cogent argument from him supporting an action or policy. What I hear is a mean spiritual, personal attack of the person who disagrees with him.
 
I was and am fascinated with the fact that this friend and I can “hear” this person saying, in my mind, two different statements.  I “hear” reactionary, personal attacks and she hears clear, well stated opinions. 
When I hear this person I want to play this person a tape of Grandma Fannie (sadly I have none) saying “Say what you mean but do not be mean.”
 
Attacking the person or the moral worth of a person with whom one disagrees is, of course, a time honored tradition of many  humans. If one can discredit the moral character of the person then one can discount or ignore whatever that person  is saying.  That sort of argument or defense would not be tolerated by participants of a high school or college debate team.   It would also not be tolerated by any of the professors who were grading papers I wrote in ethics or logic classes in college.   Yet, we all too often seem to tolerate such defensive, mean spirited retorts in many area of our public life or even in our private life.
 
Personally, I appreciate those who speak in a very clear, direct manner.  Such an approach makes conversation less confusing and make problem solving more likely.  On the other hand, mean spirited personal attacks do not facilitate helpful conversations or problem solving.
 
There are many “reasons” why any us might respond to disagreement by personally attacking the person(s). These reasons include:

• One is unable to articulate a logical, cogent response.
• One is so insecure that one hears any disagreement as a personal attack and responds in kind.
• It is an effective way to appeal to the emotions of  some individuals especially in some contexts such as a political rally.
• One is fearful of being wrong or proved wrong.
• One is convinced that the long term goal justifies any action.
• One is so delusional one honestly believes that anyone who disagrees with them is stupid, uneducated, mentally ill, unpatriotic, or evil.

 
I strongly suspect that Grandmas Fannie was right in suggesting that it is never moral, ethical or okay to be mean when we are responding to another person.  It is never okay to personally attack another person.  Even as a professional counselor I must be very cautious in diagnosing the reasons why someone might be responding in a certain manner.  All manner of factors can affect how the brain processes and respond to incoming stimuli.   I want to be very kind and to remember the best I can do is to make an educated guess.  I also want to be careful not to criticize the other person while still helping them accept that others may not be hearing what they want to person to hear.  If the person continues to justify their mean spirited personal attacks then my job is to model a  response which is not mean spirited or unkind in any manner.
 
Written October 23, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpicektt.org
 
 
 
 
 
 

​The art of forgiveness
 
I was listening to Fresh Air producer Sam Briger interview the author Attica Locke about her new book Heaven, My Home.   I urge the reader of this blog to listen to the interview.
 
During the course of the interview Ms. Locke talks about the concept and action of forgiveness.  I have often thought about what forgiveness means to me. I know that Oxford Dictionary defines forgiveness as: “to stop feeling angry with somebody who has done something to harm, annoy or upset you; to stop being angry with yourself.”


The simple definition makes it seem as if the process of forgiveness is itself very simple and easy.  Yet, many of us are overwhelmed with emotions when a survivor of a horrific event such as a mass shooting who has suffered a personal loss or losses quickly and unequivocally offers forgiveness to the person or persons committing that act. 
It sometimes seems as if those who have suffered the most severe oppression are able to extend the act of forgiveness the easiest.
 
The author Robert Enright in his book Forgiveness is a Choice, A Step by Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope, points out, the primary beneficiary of forgiveness is the one doing the forgiving.  Holding on to anger rather than focusing on problem solving is injurious to the health of individuals.   Yet, many of us cannot imagine being able to forgive what often seem to us as an unforgivable act.
 
What then makes it possible for some to forgive?  I suspect that forgiveness is possible when one accepts that the hurtful action:
 

• Had nothing to do with one. Certainly if one’s loved one was killed or one was directly the recipient of physical, emotional, verbal or sexual violence one was very affected.   Yet one cannot cause another to hurt another.  The person  being hateful or hurtful has decided for their own reasons to act in a certain manner. 
• Is a mirror for what we are all capable of doing.  Although most of us will not arm ourselves and start shooting others at a school, shopping mall, church or some other place, we are all capable of judging and being hurtful to others.
• Requires a response demonstrating that violence is not the answer; that no matter how hateful or heidious the action it is possible to formulate a more constructive response which does not keep the chain of violence going.
• May be related to mental illness or some painful trauma which the person feels unable to accept or process.
• May be symbolic of an endemic issue for which we all bear some responsibility.

 
What forgiveness does not do is:
 

• Suggest that the violent act was acceptable.
• Suggest that it is okay to be passive and quiet.
• Suggest that one is now safe; that forgiveness heals the perpetrator.

 
It may sound trite and unrealistic, but it is true that when  one refuses to accept the ball and play by the rules of the perpetrator of the violence; when one responses with a strong love one is immediately the stronger one in the relationship.  If the goal of the perpetrator is to make one fearful and passive, then he or she has loss.  As Bigger Thomas in Richard Wright’s Native Son says to the police person, “You can’t do nothin except kill me and that ain’t nothin.”  The ability to simultaneously hold the sacredness of life in one palm and the truth that all that counts is how we live this moment in the other hand is an art which most of us will take a lifetime to master.

Written October 22, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 

​Sunday Musings – October 20, 2019
 
Sunday is usually a cleaning day although the past few Sunday I have been traveling and had other commitments. Thus, the cleaning  I did was only  a surface job.   Today my intention is to do a much more thorough job.  I  have begun by changing the sheets, vacuuming under the bed and getting out the winter down comforter.
 
Although I tend to put off setting aside a significant block of time for cleaning I actually enjoy doing it.   While doing physical cleaning I am aware that cleaning the house thoroughly is also a metaphor for cleaning out my emotional and spiritual house.  Although I do some light house cleaning  as well as emotional and spiritual  cleaning every day Sundays are a good day for a more thorough job.    The fact that I do it on Sunday may be marginally related to a time when I spent hours in a traditional, Christian church service on Sunday.   Yet, I as recall,  I was then not so much cleaning house as I was prostrating myself as the lowly sinner that I was before the almighty begging for forgiveness for my humanness.   My understanding of myself  was this worthless sinner whom the gracious god of my understanding might take pity on and toss me a crumb of forgiveness knowing I would continue to commit sin after sin after sin.
 
Later, when reading Carl Jung and others, I would learn to think in more clinical or psychological terms.  Yet, even this was thought of as a struggle between the good side and the bad or dark side.   Robert Johnson (Owning your Own Shadow) and others would claim that we are born whole but early on “eat of the “ fruits of the tree  of knowledge and things separate  into good and evil and we begin the shadow making process” (page 4 of the paperback edition).  He goes on the talk about the process of reclaiming our wholeness in the later part of our life journey.     Jesus in the New Testament is reported to have said something similar when he talked about becoming as little children which may be read as returning to the innocent state of  little children. 
 
In modern psychological terms or do we dare speak in common sense terms we understand us humans have this very delicately balanced body including this amazing brain which can easily misfire or get off balance.   Certain illnesses, brain disorders, some drugs, tiredness, forgetting to eat, exercise or rest can also negatively  affect the ability to think and act rationally; to act in a way which benefits or maintains the balance of the universe.
 
It would seem our tendency as humans is to doubt that we have worth just for being us and to respond to this doubt by looking to something outside ourselves to temporarily numb us or massage our fragile egos.    We also have a tendency to simply get so busy with life  that we forget to take care of ourselves.  We may not even notice many days that we have deficit spent our emotional, spiritual, nutritional and physical energy. 
 
Sunday then is the day when I look a little closer at my internal gas tanks.  I notice when I have deficit spent or fed that fear that I am not enough I have acted in a way which is harmful to myself, my community and to the universe as a whole.   I must practice honestly and when needed or appropriate make amends to myself and to those who have been injured by the symptoms of my deficit spending.  It is not a time to prostrate myself or to otherwise berate myself. It is a time to notice and fill my gas tanks.  It is not a time for self-shaming or operatic drama (without good singing and fun costumes).  It is a time to notice, smile and do what is needed/possible to restore my health and to, once again, recommit to being more intentional about taking care of myself ever day of the week. Thus filled I am better able to function as a healthy part of the universe. 
 
Written October 20, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

​Delusions are not lies?
 
It is not surprising that many of us humans find it comforting to adopt delusional beliefs.   As is true with the use of alcohol, drugs, food, sex and shopping  there a temporary relief in adopting delusional beliefs.   Yet all knows that temporary relief is not the same as a cure.    We are well aware that one has a chronic illness, treating the symptoms provides some relief but does not cure the base issue. 
 
One of the chronic conditions of we humans (as well as other animals) is our sexual desire.   Unlike many animals humans do not have a brief period in which they are in heat; capable to being sexually aroused.  If otherwise healthy, humans are not only capable but actively sexual from the time of puberty until into their 80ies or 90ies.  Some conditions may affect the ability of males to get an erection or females to become lubricated.  The are some whose sexual drive is very low or non- existent.  For the most part, however, humans are able and desirous of enjoying sexual play for many decades  of one’s life.  One may be happy to let of the condition of perpetual horniness in one’s teenage years, but it is obvious that human are capable of procreating for many decades. We are also capable of sexual desire and activity much more often than is needed  at this point in evolution for precreation.  In other words humans engage in sexual activity for pleasure.  With some exceptions or variations humans seem to have an innate need for physical and sexual connection.
 
We are also capable of using people sexually as an attempt to prove they have power over someone.  We can use people in many other ways to show we are more powerful physically even if one knows that one is emotionally weaker. We can use sexual behavior and even conquest as a means for attempting to fill an internal void.  This never works long term.
 
As is true for many animals, humans are capable of a wide range of sexual desires and preferences.   One may be only attracted sexually to those of the opposite sex, those of the same sex, both sexes or one may be very fluid in one’s desires.  One may also have preferences for individuals based on size, age, appearance, eye color, hair color, muscles, breast size, penis size, skin pigment, emotional age, chronological age, religion, body hair or a variety of other factors.  One may have preference for certainly types of sexual play including sado masochistism, water sports, role play, costumes or other “flavors”. 
 
The age of consent for marrying  or being betrothed to a person continues to vary in different cultures. I think the  youngest current age is 12.  In the States it is different in different states and may also depend on the difference in number of years. 
 
In the United States and at least 8 other countries a registry of sexual offender is maintained.   It may be public or private. People may be on it for life or specified periods of time.  There may be distinctions between tiers or levels of offenses.  In the United States each state determines the parameters.   
 
There are no studies the results of which indicate that such registries decrease the number of repeat offenses.  There are some studies with proport to show that being placed on such a registry increases the chances of repeat offenses.
 
In the United States one does not have to have sexual contact with another person to be placed on the registry.   One can be placed on the registry for downloading what is determined to be child pornography.  One can also be imprisoned and placed on the registry for: consensual sex with someone who is legally underage (15 in some states); with someone who is legally underage and has a specified number of years of age difference;  for having sex with an underage prostitute who lied about their age.
 
Often in the United states the name and address of the person on the sexual offender list is public and results in a person being harassed and even threatened.    
 
One does not have to be proven to be a danger in the past or the future to be placed on the registry which is tantamount to branding a person as an undesirable.
 
 
If some segments of the populations do not approve or like a sexual behavior it is criminalized.  Until fairly recently in the united States homosexual behavior was criminalized. This is still true in many countries.
 
An emotionally immature 19 year old having  consensual sex with a 15 year old does not ruin the person for life. There is no studies I can locate which indicate that downloading pornographic videos of “younger looking  individuals” who may be under the legal age leads to having consensual or non-consensual sex with underage individuals.   
 
I am not herein addressing the issue of forcing underage children or adults to engage in sex for any purpose.   Oppression of others – legally or illegally – is not, at any level, acceptable.  Whether that oppression involves sexual activity or is the equivalent of being an indentured servant in any capacity is wrong.   We need to determine the motivation for such behavior and explore effective treatment options.
 
Delusions are lies.  When we lie to ourselves by acting as if symptoms are root causes and treat them as such we are deluding ourselves.   When we  tell ourselves that placing people on the sexual offenders list and mistreating them creates a safer community we are being delusional and hurting a lot of people in the process.
 
Written October 19, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A 12 step approach to ending oppression
 
This morning I received a text from a friend telling me that a coworker had used a racial slur and that the employer did not take any action to address this unacceptable behavior.   My friend will not keep himself in such an unhealthy environment. 
 
Later I was listening to an episode of the podcast “Fresh Air” featuring an interview by Sam Briger with author Attica Locke about her latest book Heaven, My Home.  Ms. Locke discusses living in Los Angeles only to have her son encounter the same experience of racism.  She also discussed her feelings and thoughts about celebrating the beauty of plantations which were literally built on the back of her ancestors.
 
T was later thinking about the fact my friend is active in a 12 strep recovery program.  My understanding of the steps of this program is that it simultaneously stresses accountability and forgiveness.  In many respects the 12 step program is built on the core principles which are attributed to the historical figure of Jesus. I understand these to be the same principles which are taught by the Buddha and many other spiritual leaders.
 
It is not surprising that most of us struggle with letting go of the principle of punishments which continues to guide much of the base of the so called concept of justice in the United States and other countries.  It is also one of the key principles of many of the ancestors who “speak” in the Old Testament.
My understanding is that accountability recognizes that:

• We are all human and all capable of great acts of love and  powerful cruel acts borne of fear. These acts are often lived out in the reality of racism, sexism, homophobia, and other forms of oppression.
• When we disrespect others and use the excuse of race, gender, sexual orientation or other social constructs we disconnect from each other.
• The “natural” order is community – functioning as a tribe to take care of each other while living in synch with the universe(s).
• Punishment is about further disconnection and cannot allow for healing – living together as a community.
• Oppression is an attempt to feel better about oneself but always leads to disconnection from “true self” and from the community

 
It follows that the goal of accountability is to reconnect with self, other members of the community and the universe(s) as a whole.  It is never to punish, to create resentment , or to withhold an embrace/forgiveness.
 
Accountability demands that we lovingly help each other recognize  and attempt to heal the disconnection with self, each other and the universe(s).  Failure to lovingly and humbly hold each other accountable is itself a form of oppression. Whether one is ignoring a racial, sexist, or homophobic slur by a co-worker, a student a teacher, a clerk in a store. any other person or ignoring the fact that the plantations, pyramids, many of our museums, or other symbols of so call philanthropy one is co-signing oppression or ongoing process of disconnection – us and them.
 
It is often true that many structures which were designed and built with the proceeds of oppression, can also be amazing, beautiful structures. Yet, we must always look at the cost.    We must, I believe,  be suspect of any of us who has more money or other resources than we need.   It will almost always mean that in this generation or several prior generations someone or some group has benefited on the backs of others. 
 
Accountability is seldom, if ever, comfortable and will often lead to the necessity of making some uncomfortable decisions. Yet, without facing this discomfort we will continue to build and promote societies which disconnect rather than connect.
 
Written October 17, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org