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Call to shepherd

4/30/2018

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​Call to Shepherd
 
Every week I get the newsletter from Trinity Wall Street Church in New York City which shares some of the details of the mission of the church.  The video sermon from the previous Sunday is also included.  On April 22, 2018, The Reverend Winnie Varghese spoke on the call to shepherd and what it might mean on Earth Day and in the midst of the ongoing cruelty and injustice which is evidenced at Riker’s Island prison. 
 
One can google Trinity Wall Street and sign up for the weekly newsletter.   If one reads the  one dated  April 27, 2018 one will find a listing of the five strategic task forces currently exploring the nature of a living dance of faith.  The groups are: Trinity Commons; Low-income Housing and Homelessness: Racial Justice; Leadership; and Capacity.  Unfortunately, all of these were not explained.  Most are very obvious.  I know that Trinity church is committed to a working/living faith. 
 
Obviously not all churches can enjoy such an expanded mission.  Not all religious people are ready to tackle such difficult tasks as the injustice that exist at Riker’s Island.  Not all can tackle the systemic reasons for the inequality in housing, or other politically and emotionally controversial subjects such as the long-term cost we may be paying for the current windfall from the gas and oil drilling which is going on in the United States.
 
All of us can, however, answer the call to commit to being uncomfortable shepherds.  I know that if I am not uncomfortable I am not challenging myself to grow.  In my profession of counseling, it is easy for me to hide behind the ever-expanding list of ethical rules, the Hipaa laws which deal with patient confidentiality, community pressure or the general fear of the litigious times in which we live.  It is easy for me to justify doing all I can to maintain my license and certification. After all, how would I earn a living if I did not have my license or certification.  When I served as an ordained minister there were also many explicit and implicit rules about the behavior of the pastor. It is not surprising to many who know me that nearly every Monday morning the elders of the church were on the phone to my “superiors” complaining that Reverend Pickett did or did not do this or that.  It is also not surprising that their accusations were almost always accurate.   While it may be true that I could have picked my battles a little more carefully, I suspect that my propensity for questioning explicit and implicit rules has not changed much in the over 45 years which have passed since that time.
 
Shepherding can be as simple, important and non-challenging as maintaining a food pantry or visiting the sick.  Shepherding can be showing up for the peace march, challenging the belief that owning military style weapons is a moral or necessary choice, advocating the end of profit making pharmaceutical companies, lobbing for the end of profit making student loans or making it illegal to charge poor people with poor credit 23% interest.  Shepherding can be demanding the closing of prisons and insuring that the staff of those prisons have the training and availability of decent paying jobs.
 
The Reverend Varghese challenges herself and the other members of the Trinity community to a new level of discomfort while offering an inclusive embrace.
 
She challenges me to avoid a comfort which prohibits growth; a comfort which obeys all the rules just because they are rules in a neat box all tried with a lovely ribbon.
 
Written April 30, 2018
 
 
 
 
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Sunday Musings - April 29, 2018

4/29/2018

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​Sunday Musings – April 29, 2018
 
The day here in Wheeling, West Virginia dawns cloudless and cool.  It promises to be a lovely day even if a bit cool at 35 degrees F.   This week the dominant theme of Krista Tippett’s conversation with Rarlo Ravelli titled “All Reality is Interaction” and Maria Popova’s
“brainpickings” begins with musings on time.  As I read the transcript of the first and the email version of the second, I am aware that all week the dominant theme has been the steady reminder of those who have nurtured and challenged me over the years. Often, I am not consciously aware of the link between my current thoughts and these mentors.  Einstein, Dorothy Day, Heraclitus, Plato, Kierkegaard, Das Hammarskjöld, Jamie, Penny, Vilja, Ron, Todd, and Wittgenstein.   I could go on and on but the reader gets the idea.
 
Carlo Ravelli reminds us that time is a relational concept.  Someone else - perhaps Wittgenstein – suggested that math is merely a language for taking about relationships. 
 
As I moved through this week I was often reminded that I think and remember in terms of relationships.  I know that there are people who, if you asked them, can give one specific dates of when such and such occurred in their lives.  I have never been one of those people.  My memory is always relational - people, situations, and events which are not attached in my brain to a particular date.   The other day I was introduced to someone who reminded me that I had seen her for therapy in 1982.   The woman who introduced me had, along with her husband, been a client.    I have a clear memory of the pain that she and her husband were experiencing, but not a clue about the dates when I saw them.   Even now, when I think of it I have a sense of that pain. 
 
I am, of course, aware that I have a calendar and a clock which marks places this moment in relationship to past events and connect one to the future.  I will look to that calendar and clock to honor commitment I have made to myself and others today.  Soon I will head to the gym where I will work out until about 10:00 a.m.  I will get back to the house and keep aware of the fact that I have a commitment to pick up my friend at 12:45 when we will leave for Pittsburgh and attend a performance of the Pittsburgh symphony.   Later we will visit a friend and meet her newest grandchild.  In just a second or two,  but probably after I have finished this life journey, that grandchild will be entering the adult part of their life journey.
 
I look outside and the sun is now peeking through an enormous tree to cast shadows on the wet grass.  Soon the grass will dry and the sun will be in a different place in relationship to planet earth.  This current moment will be history.  It will leave an imprint in my memory which will visit all the other memories which just sit there waiting to influence my relationship in the next moment.
 
I am grateful for the gift of all relationships.  Some I will label as pleasant, some benign, some exciting, some sad, some painful, and some I may be able to just experience without labeling.    When I am able to refrain from labeling I experience time deep within my soul as pure relationship.
 
Written April 29, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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"The failure of the cross"

4/28/2018

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​“The failure of the cross”
 
I continue to ponder some of the Dorothy Day quotes which captured and continues to dominate my thinking since listening to Kate Hennessy talk about her grandmother, Dorothy Day at Wheeling Jesuit University April 25, 2018. One of those quotes was about the failure of the cross.  Dorothy Day said:
 
“The Saint would say, and perhaps he would be a very wise man in saying it, ‘The conquered conquers in the end. ‘Christ was overcome and He overcame. There was His ostensible failure on the Cross, yet He rose triumphant and Christianity spread over the world. The Christian thing to do would be not to resist, but when anyone asked for one’s coat, to give up one’s cloak besides.” (The Catholic Worker, May, 1936, 8)
 
For me, regardless of whether one accepts that Jesus physically rose from the dead, in my mind, as soon as he said: “. if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless, not my will, but thine, be done.” (Luke 22:42) the cross had failed.   Bigger Thomas repeats this truth in Richard Wright’s Native Son when he says to the police person who is threatening him something to the effect of, “Man, you can’t do nothin except kill me and that ain’t nothin.”
 
If, in fact, as Dorothy Day suggested one gives one’s coat to the person who asks (attempt to steal even) for it, then one has lost nothing important.
 
As I near my 78th birthday I often hear myself say, “Ten minutes ago I was 16. Life is very short. Nothing matters except how well we love each other.”  In fact, I just said that this morning to a young man who is new in recovery.  His addiction is telling him he needs this and he needs that and if he does not get this or that he will be miserable.  Yet, the addiction lies to him. He does not need this or that. He needs his integrity back. He needs to feel positive about himself This young man feels best when he can be there for others. He feels best when he honors his commitments to his core values. He feels best when others can trust him.
 
The truth of the failure of the cross seems simple at moments like this. Yet, in another moment I will be complaining about some piece of equipment not working, about me not being able to do something about the attempts to take more benefits away from the poor, about the lack of concern by many for the sacredness of the environment, about a computer not working well or some other event, person or thing not behaving as I would like or think is appropriate. 
 
If there is nothing I need in this ten minutes of life including life itself, then there is no one and nothing which has any power over me.  You are going to take my furniture so that I do not have to maintain it?  You are going to take my closet full of clothes so that I do not have to decide what to wear and to keep taking care of them?  You are going to take my computer and allow me just to focus on being present? You are going to shorten my life or injure me?  Certainly. I must admit, I often feel as if I need these things and I certainly would rather not be in pain for whatever time I have left.  Yet, you cannot make me behave in a way which is inconsistent with my core values.  You cannot force me to be someone I do not want to be.  Only I can give you my integrity. Just for today – just for this moment – I choose not to do that.
 
Written April 27, 2018



 
 
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Life is complicated!

4/26/2018

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​Life is complicated!
I complicate my life!
 
Why don’t I do what I need to do?  Why am I lazy?  Do I have a mental illness? Is there some hidden issue I am not allowing myself to know about?  Maybe I don’t really want to grow emotionally and spiritually.   Perhaps I am just a bad person and there is no hope for me.  Perhaps I need to address this issue in therapy.  Who is the right therapist?
 
Some of us have this very busy mind.  Instead of just making a list of what we need to do to get the results we want, prioritizing the list and step-by-step doing what is on the list we analyze why we are not doing what we said we would do. We look for some deep- seated reason to explain and change our behavior.
 
I sometimes find other tasks which I decide must be done now.  I sit down to write and decide the computer screen needs cleaned. Then I decide I should check and respond to email.  Oh yes, I wanted to check on replacement solar lights for the yard. Oh my!  That desk drawer is a mess. I should clean it out.  Soon it is time for another commitment and I have not done what I said was a priority, i.e. written that journal entry, letter or clinical notes. I then spend some time beating up myself.  Now it is time to start dinner.
 
Baring real emergencies such as a family member or close friend needing to go to the emergency room, the house being on fire, my being acutely ill, or someone needing an empathetic ear, there is nothing which I have to allow to stop me from starting on my to do list in the time slot I have intentionally set aside for that purpose.  Tuesday, I returned from my volunteer therapy job about noon.  I intentionally:
 
  • Prepared and had lunch.
  • Cleaned up after lunch.
  • Did my clinical note from the volunteer work.
  • Wrote a thank you note.
  • Wrote notes to a couple of clients.
  • Updated financial records
  • Prepared charge tickets for afternoon clients.
  • Started working on blog while waiting for client.
 
What I did not do was:
 
  • Check to see if I felt like doing any of these tasks.
  • Allow myself to get distracted by other items on my desk.
  • Think about other issues or concerns.
 
If my mind started to wander I was very intentional about focusing on what I said I wanted to accomplish.  Sometimes I am tired and feel as if my writing is not as erudite or clear as I would like.  I do it anyway.  If I wait for a moment of inspiration or the words worthy of a Nobel Prize, I will never write.
 
For many years I smoked cigarettes.  I did not like the taste, smell, cost or how they affected others .  I kept telling myself and everyone else I wanted to quit. I tried hypnosis, the patch, and medication, All worked for a time.  Yet, I would always find some excuse to resume smoking.  Finally, I talked to a therapist and told her I needed to find the deep-seated reason I kept resuming this addictive behavior. She suggested that therapy was just another avoidance technique.   It was time I used the same tools I recommended to others for dealing with addictive behavior.  Sure, I was going to be uncomfortable for a time, but if I simply did not pick up that first cigarette, got support, and followed directions of others who had quit, the obsession would finally weaken and/or disappear.  It did!
 
My intention is to avoid words such as lazy which do not lead to a concrete plan to honor my commitments to myself and others.
 
Written April 25, 2018
 
 
 
 
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Nothing Personal!

4/25/2018

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​Nothing personal
 
From the time, we are very young many of us are told that our behavior and sometimes are very being is responsible for the emotional, mental and sometimes the physical health of another person.   It is, of course, true that our behavior affects everyone around us and their response to our behavior affects everyone around them and so forth and so forth.  If I drive drunk and cause an accident resulting in the death of someone or even my own death the lives of many others are changed forever.   If someone is lacing heroin with some other drug causing the use of it to be fetal to the loved one of another the result is very personal to those who loved and/or depended on his or her. 
 
The spiritual goal of many of us is to do our best to be intentional about living a life which makes the life of all of us emotionally and spiritually richer.  Yet, often we may do or say something which triggers the memory of a very negative experience for someone or is otherwise hurtful.   Occasionally, we may, even intentionally strike out at another person verbally, emotionally or physically because of some experienced or perceived injustice or fear.
 
Obviously, the best any of us can do is to attempt to be very intentional about our behavior.  First and foremost, one has to be very intentional about one’s own physical, nutritional, emotional and spiritual heath.  We need to do everything we can to insure our brain works as well as possible.   Secondly, given a reasonably healthy and rested mind, one wants to be intentional about behaving in a way which honors the sacredness of our interdependence.
 
The seemingly “natural” tendency, if one is either the recipient or the one triggering hurtful behavior is to either beat up oneself for being so insensitive, blame the other person for being overly sensitive, or to somehow justify one’s behavior or response.  None of these responses has a long term positive affect.
 
Spiritually, the goal could be:
 
  • Accept that we are imperfect humans and cannot know all the triggers of others.
  • Accept that all may, at times, cause harm and will then need to make amends.
  • Accept that whether a behavior was purposeful or unintentional, one cannot cause another to behave in a certain manner. One can, of course, intentionally push a button but even that behavior has to do with one’s own issues. The other person did not cause one to behave in that manner.
 
It may seem as if I am attempting to absolve us of all responsibility.  That is certainly not my goal.  We have the responsibility to do everything we can to make loving, respectful decisions.  We also have the responsibility to let others know when their behavior is unacceptable/hurtful.  Yet, when one is hurtful, one can either problem solve to attempt to prevent future hurt or cause more harm.  If one is the person receiving harm one can lovingly let the other person know how their behavior is unacceptable and take action to help insure that the person is given the help and support they need.  For example, this week a young man drove a car into a group of pedestrians killing several and injuring others.  I have no idea why or how his brain made a decision to do that (assuming it was intentional).   I do know that he needs to be in a safe place where he cannot harm himself and others and he needs an educated diagnosis and quality treatment.  Those hurt or killed did not cause him to behave in the way he did.  His behavior was not personal although the effect was very personal.  His behavior was the result of his inability, for whatever reason, to make a different choice.
 
We can either keep blaming and punishing each other or we can focus on identifying the multitude of factors which prevent us humans from functioning as one interdependent unit with many parts.
 
Written April 24, 2018
 
 
 
 
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What is in a name?

4/23/2018

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​What is in a name?
Black,  female, queer, Zen priest, author
 
Krista Tippett’s guest for April 19, 2018 on On Being was Angel Kyodo Williams.  She is “an esteemed Zen priest and the second black woman ever recognized as a teacher in the Japanese Zen Lineage.”  She is also “the founder of the Center for Transformative change and the author of Being Black: Zen and the Art of Living with Fearlessness and Grace and Radical Dharma; Talking Race.”
 
As always, it is not my intention to repeat this enlightening and thought-provoking conversation.   I urge the reader to give themselves the gift of this conversation.
 
While listening to this conversation I was again reminded of how easy it is for me to slip into the habit of using labels as a shortcut for a decision on what to think of others and, thus, how to treat them.  Actually, I do this with myself as well as with others.
 
As Ms. Williams points out, by the time we reach the chronological age of so called adulthood (or younger) we have collected a junk drawer of so called truths about ourselves and the world.  It is our job as adults, if we are committed to growing emotionally and spiritually, to dump all these truths out on the dining room table or other work table and to then begin to sort through them to determined which ones have solid evidence or even common sense to back them up and which ones need to be discarded.   I love the analogy of the junk drawer.   In that junk drawer we may find objects left by previous owners, stuff that we just tossed, or stuff we collected from parents, siblings,  and others.
 
It is true that Ms. Williams may self identifies as a female, black ,queer, Zen priest and author.  The label female tells one nothing about what character traits she has, her physical strength or what jobs or profession for which she is suited.  Likewise,  the term black tells one nothing about her ancestors, her character traits, if she is an activist or just busy being who she is. It does not tell one anything about her speech pattern or even what color she is – black, brown, light, dark , yellow, or white. The label of queer tells one even less.  Is this about her sexual preferences, her political affiliations, or just her acceptance of a range of people and feelings with whom she identifies?   The label of Zen priests certainly, by itself, tells one very little,  except perhaps that she may consider herself to be attempting to explore a spiritual path.
 
This leaves the label of author.   The fact that I have listed some books which have been published under her name does point to a direction, but even that tells one very little in and of itself about her journey.
 
If one discards or disowns all these labels as peel off stickers one is than left with the challenge or the opportunity to meet this person as one who brings to the table many commonalities and gifts.    If, in fact, one has the courage to introduce self to self without any labels, but with deep respect, then one might discover a precious gem made even more precious by unique lines, cracks and bands.
 
Ms. Williams does not talk of  knowing ourselves but of uncomfortably “unknowing of ourselves’.  That person is not the labels one has accepted or one has been assigned, but a person in the process of becoming which Father Gregory Boyle would say is a process of  returning self to self.
 
 
Written April 23, 2018
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Sunday Musings - April 22, 2018

4/22/2018

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​Sunday Musings – April 22, 2018
 
Today I am acutely aware that the more I clutter my life with stuff and rules the more complicated and stressful it is.  Yesterday I was at the Apple store getting a new battery for my iPhone.  Fortunately, I resisted purchasing an Apple watch or a new computer although I was tempted by both.   While waiting for the battery to be installed I sat and wrote at the nearby coffee shop.   After leaving the shop I stopped to buy groceries and managed to purchase only what was on my list.   On the way, home the low tire pressure signal came on. I stopped to get air only to discover a nail in my tire.  When I went to get the tire repaired, I discovered I needed a wheel lock tool to remove the tire. It was nowhere in the car. Who knew some newer cars required one?  Fortunately, Gary was able to plug the tire without taking if off.
 
Earlier in the week the laptop I had just gotten back from the shop froze up when I tried to download the update.   Back to the shop it went. It is now working while the other one is now in the shop.
 
One day last week the garage door decided it would open and close at will.  The garage door people are coming to check it. For the moment, it is working.     For many years I lived quite well without a garage or, when I did have a garage with a door one had to get out and manually open it.
 
The Keurig coffee pot seems to have a mind of its own despite me obeying all its mandates to descale it.  
 
Friday, I attended a professional workshop on Ethics. The Ethics books for the counseling association, the Addiction Association and the social workers associations get thicker every year. Every attempt is made to cover every possible situation and to err on the side of caution which limits the services one can provide.   In my mind, there are only two rules:  Respect the client and use some common sense.
 
Once my family moved from Chicago to Oklahoma when I was age 5, we lived in a house for the next 11 years without electricity or running water. Of course, this meant that there were no indoor bathroom facilities.    In many ways, life was simple, but hard work.  No matter what the weather one had to pump water and bring it in. One also had to chop wood and maintain the fire in the stove which provided heat and a surface for cooking.    There was no radio except occasionally when dad would take out the car battery and hook up the radio to it or when I could get my matchbox transistor radio working.   Obviously, there were no electric appliances or computers.   My first typewriter came in a case and did not require any source of energy other than my fingers.  There were no cell phones but there was a fountain pen and some form of stationary/paper.
 
Food was canned and retrieved from the cellar. Eggs and chicken were fetched from the chicken house.  Occasionally grandpa would bring fresh hog meat or someone else would bring fresh squirrel or rabbit.
 
Milk and cream came from grandma and grandpa’s cow or powdered from a box.
 
I am certainly not suggesting that I want to return to outdoor bathrooms or give up running water, central heat,  air conditioning, the gas range, the closed garage with the automatic door, computers, the internet, my IPhone or the ability to buy what I need from nearby grocery stores.  Yet, each of these “conveniences” comes with a price.  
 
No matter how many of these things I have to make my life easier, I am still living the last portion of my life journey and will soon leave all this stuff to my son.  He will live a bit longer and then someone will have to sort through and dispose of all his stuff.
 
What will I leave that is important?  Hopefully a bit of love given out in units of time, shared resources, respect for mother earth, and the reminder that 12 step program people often pass on to the newcomer: “Keep it simple stupid.”  I smile.
 
Written April 22,2018
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Science 101

4/21/2018

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  Science 101
 
Every junior high student knows that in science class one is expected to collect the facts, distinguish between causation and correlation and then arrive at the null hypotheses.  
 
The judicial system of the United States is not based on the principles of science 101.  Very sadly it is based on Emotions 101. Nearly every teenager has extensively practiced the principles of Emotions 101.
 
I was again reminded of these facts while listening to and then reading the morning news reports. One of the local news items was about the sentencing of a young man to 10-36 years in prison on two felony counts for attempted armed robbery. Even though the young man said he had a gun that was apparently not the case.   The 41-year-old man confessed he was on drugs when he committed his incidences. There is also a history of mental illness. The Judge states, “I hope you can use the time to rehabilitate yourself…You have no one to blame but yourself.” (wwwintelligencer.net, April 19, 2018)
 
The average cost in the United States to incarcerate an inmate is in excess of $31,000, but can go as high as $60,000.00 in the State of New York and as high as $168,000 in New York City (2013 figures).    If the young man being sentenced serves all of the 36 years that could be an average cost in 2013 figures of $1, 116,000.00.  Ten years would be $310,000.00.  Those amounts guarantee no substance abuse treatment and does not take into account that this man would then be 51 to 77 years old.   During that time in prison he will not be paying taxes or otherwise be a productive member of the society.  It is likely that even if he serves less time he will not be ready to practice a solid recovery program.   Not only is he not likely to get quality treatment for his addiction but the very nature of prison life will aggravate any mental illnesses.
 
The goal is to punish this man and, in the process, punish the taxpayer, and future victims.  There is no scientific basis for the diagnosis and treatment. The diagnosis which the judicial system has given him is “bad person”.  The treatment is punishment.
 
A more scientific approach would:
 
·      Give him a more accurate diagnosis:
o   Possible mental illness
o   Drug addiction
·      Design a treatment approach based on diagnosis
 
 
A more scientific diagnosis and treatment plan would:
 
·      Be cost effective.
·      Allow him to become a tax paying, responsible community member.
·      Allow him to practice a recovery approach for his drug addiction which is effective.
·      As part of a recovery program help others to reclaim their lives.
·      Stabilize his mental health.
·      Welcome him into the community as someone with an illness or multiple illness which he did not choose to have.
 
This is not a liberal or conservative approach. It is an approach based upon scientific knowledge and principles.  It is also based on common sense and economic sense.
 
 
Written April 19, 2018
 
 
 
 
 

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"Mayonnaise"

4/19/2018

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​“Mayonnaise”
 
I used to be a member of a gourmet dinner club who got together most months to share a theme meal.   During the winter holiday season, everyone would bring a gift and place it under the tree of the host. After dinner.  we would draw a number and person number 1 would select a gift. The next person could either take the gift from the first person or select another gift.  If the person “stole” a gift, then that person would select a gift from under the tree. Thereafter they might be an increasing number of gift thefts before the last package was selected.   We had great fun. 
 
The gifts might be very elegantly and creatively wrapped, wrapped in newspaper and kitchen twine or in a generic gift bag. Participants quickly learned that the most desirable gift might be the one whose wrapping was less than elegant or creative.
 
This was, of course, a metaphor for the gifts of life.   The most precious gifts are often not expensive or nicely wrapped.   Often the best gifts do not arrive on a holiday and do not celebrate a particular occasion.
 
Last night I attended a 12-step meeting.   I do this on the average of twice a week to support many I know at the meetings and to remind myself what it takes for all of us to stay spiritually centered; to keep returning to a spiritual center.   One of the men who I will call Don had been there last week for the first time.  I was happy to see him.   He shared with me that he is spending a lot of time with his two-year-old daughter.   He said, “Today she said mayonnaise.”  His eye twinkled and his smile was broad. One could see the direct connection to his heart.    I remarked, “What a wonderful gift of recovery to “hear” her share her new word.” I also got the gift of “hearing” him share his delight and love.  Now I pass that along to the reader.
 
Whether one is intentional about what I will call spiritual growth because of a struggle with addiction, some other life changing issue, the influence of a child, a Don, or for some other reason, the world is gifted by one’s intention.
 
As we journey it is not one’s bank account, degrees, size of one’s house, price of one’s toys or any other externals which determine what one wraps up for the gift exchange.  It is, I think, showing up for the mayonnaise word experiences.
 
Thanks, Don.
Thanks to Don’s daughter.
Thanks to the 12-step program.
Thanks to all the spiritual teachers who have gifted me.
 
 
Written April 19, 2019
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Would you explain that please?

4/18/2018

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​Would you explain that please?
 
I am fascinated by the spoken and written language.  I am acutely aware that I frequently use the same word to describe my thoughts, feelings or opinions about people, places and objects. For example, I say:
 
  • I love that meal.
  • I love that outfit.
  • I love my home.
  • I love my son.
  • I love riding my bike.
  • I love my MacBook.
 
What is I am hoping to convey by using the word love in all of these contexts?  Does the seemingly indiscriminate use of the word diminish its power and meaning? Surely my love for my son is not the same as my love for my MacBook or a particular meal.
Both give me pleasure, but I could easily buy a new MacBook if necessary without any enormous sense of grief over the loss of my old one.   I would grieve the loss of my son for the rest of my life.
 
I suspect that there are many words I and others use which do not communicate anything helpful, which are used to deflect what I am feeling or which allow me to pretend to know what is going on.  One common example is the word lazy.  In fact, I just heard someone described as lazy.
 
It seemed that this word was intended to convey a character defect in the person about whom it was used.  Yet, what does the word mean?  Oxford dictionary defines lazy as:
 
  • Unwilling to work or use energy
  • Characterized by lack of effort or activity
 
I often work with/for those struggling to reclaim their lives from the disease of active addiction.   If a person does not do the work recommended by their counselor or sponsor, one might describe that person as lazy. What is meant by that?  Why are they unwilling or unable to follow directions and trust that the work will pay off?  What has happened in this life to lose faith in what adults tell them?   Are they one of those bright, talented people who have never had to work at learning or accomplishing something?  What do I need to do differently to help them trust that doing X will lead to positive result Y?
 
A very good man I know frequently does not notice many of the home maintenance items which his partner notices.  His partner sees that tasks X through Z need to be done now.   He is not purposely ignoring them. He simply does not see them and often, even if he notices them, he does not believe they need to be put on the urgent list.  She sometimes thinks of him as lazy even though he works as hard as she does at a professional, demanding job, helps to take care of an aged mother and often helps other extended family members. He does do a number of home chores.   I do not think of him as lazy. It is true that since that they are going to continue to be married and live together they have to agree on how to effectively balance their time and energy.  Some tasks obviously will not get done. He may never have her eye which notices every detail and she may never have his eye which does not notice every detail.  Neither are wrong, bad or lazy.
 
I and many others often use words which sound like an accurate description, assessment or diagnosis, but which, in fact are vague and communicate very little which is helpful or accurate.
 
I commit to being more intentional about what it is I hope to communicate by my choice of words. 
 
Written April 18, 2018
 
 



 
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    Jimmy Pickett is a life student who happens to be a licensed counselor and an addiction counselor. He is a student of Buddhism with a background of Christianity and a Native American heritage.

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