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America - Americans -United States Citizen - July 4

6/30/2022

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America - Americans - United States Citizen - July 4
 
I am an American.  So are people in Canada, the Caribbean’s extending from the Bahamas and Mexico to Argentina and Chile, Greenland, Saint-Pierce, Miquelon, and Bermuda.  I am also a United States Citizen.  I am not a Native American.
 
I do not live in America.  I live in the Americans.  Sadly, often when I identify myself as American, I am implying that only the United States comprises America.  Technically I am American, but the United States is not America.   Not only is it inaccurate to imply that only those who are United States citizens are American it creates the first layers of an intellectual and spiritual prison which has deeply affected the trajectory of the historical relationships between the United States and its geographical family.  
 
As we near the holiday known in the United States as Independence Day many will gather in the relatively small groups which include some in their extended nuclear family and perhaps some in their neighborhood or even a larger community.  A particularly poignant aspect of the gatherings this year may be the absence of those who are excluded because of the temperature of the emotions of some who may be self or other labeled as left, right, anti-environment, environmentalists or tree huggers, pro-life, baby killers, MAGA supporters, legal immigrants, illegal immigrants, and I suspect, a host of other labels.  Some will gather according to their Latino, African American,  or Native American origins.  The later may gather with many mixed feelings of homesickness, gratitude, anger, relief, and confusion.   Some will not gather because their journey of dreams to find safety and a way of taking care of their family in the United States has ended in death in some isolated place or in the non-air-conditioned confines of a truck driven by one who has fallen victim to a call to survive by taking advantage of the desperation of others.
 
A few will bring the symbols of their ties to the earth of their homeland; colorful garments, dance, food and music. 
 
This past weekend I spent time at the Philbrook Museum of Art in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  The current special exhibit is the work of Frida Kahlo as well as some of the paintings of her husband and the paintings and photography of  others who were part of their rich circle of people who did not separate the passion of their art from their passion for social justice or their awareness that their lifeblood intermingled with that of the animals, plants, all parts of nature.   Their art extends to not only the canvas, but the richness of the wall paint colors, the dance of the plants, and the vibrancy of their clothes which demand they take ownership of their dance. 
 
I do not mean to imply that those originating elsewhere or living in other parts of the Americas are immune to the human frailties of character and behavior which afflict the rest of us. I do not want to ignore corruption, addiction to power, violence and other symptoms of the distance us humans can travel from our roots in the soil; the roots which connect all of us just beneath the surface.   I do mean to imply that those who have wrapped themselves in spirt of artists such as Frida Kahlo, Diego Rivera, George O’Keeffe may also reflect the best of who we are as humans,
 
As we approach this Independence Day let us contemplate the depth of what it means to be independent.  Surely we want to be independent of the tyranny of those who would impose “taxation without representation”, from the limited vision of the entire life cycle of us humans; from the false dichotomy of gender; from the imposed limits of with whom and how we create our dance of love; from the prison of poverty created by the unequal taking, hoarding and use of resources; from the labels which create criminals out of the mentally ill, from chains of slavery, the belief that land belongs to some and not all of us; from laws which limits reproductive rights; from the redistricting created to promote racism; from decisions which negate treaties and from a host of other symptoms of imprisonment. We want to be independent of anger and hate; from the marriage of fear and guns in this and many other countries; from the labels such as American which create  borders.  We deserve to be free of the illusion that we are without our internal and external contradictions. 
 
As we approach this holiday let us wrap ourselves in the bright colors of the art and life of nature which is reflected in the art of such relatives as Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera.  Let us embrace our humanness as mirrored in these two complex, passionate, earth rooted spirits who live on in their art.   Let us embrace the mindset which demands that we remove the constructs intended to convince us we are enemies.
 
 
Written June 30, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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Sunday Musings - June 26, 2022

6/26/2022

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Seeing in ultra violet
 
Humans, unless we have an eye condition called aphasia. can see red, green and blue - certain wavelengths.  Many animals including bees, some birds, butterflies and some fish can see ultra violet wavelengths which permit them to see more colors and have survival skills which most of us humans do not possess.
 
While I was listening to Terry Gross, host of the podcast, Fresh Air, talk with science writer Ed Yong about the sensory world of animals this morning I was thinking: In these divisive times, seeing in ultraviolet wavelength becomes a metaphor for how we humans need to view each other and the world.   We need to know what we see on the surface - the rhetoric and the public behavior - does not define anyone.  Most of us know this about ourselves and we can certainly intuit this about all other people.   Yet, we seem to have fallen into the trap of labeling others based on a particular behavior, opinion or view about one subject, skin color, political or religious affiliation, gender, sexual orientation, age, physical ability or some other construct.
 
I am guilty of this despite my daily intention to avoid the temptation of doing so.   Just this morning, shortly after sharing my spiritual intention for today, I “heard” a voice in my head making a negative judgment about a politician based one some of their past actions. Yet my training in clinical psychology and the increasing knowledge of the science of how humans form and execute thoughts tells me that the slice of this man which was revealed to the public is not the man.  I do know that he is also a survivor of what was probably an emotionally limited and abusive father who himself was probably a similar survivor.  I  know that this man seems to have a desperate  need to be admired and respected; so much so that he presents an image of one who cares nothing for other people or their feelings. I know he needs to be financially successful no matter what the cost to others.   For him financial success seems to be the moral equivalent of a winner.  One can guess he is also a very lonely man who is fearful of trusting others.
 
Daily, I am in contact with those who have committed crimes against people and their property in order to feed the obsessively nagging voice of addiction which refuses to take leave of their brain.   They are often labeled  and incarcerated as criminals and sent to treatment.   Daily,  I am in contact with those whose brains conjure up a voice telling them to destroy themselves, someone else or property of another.  Often,  they are labeled as evil or criminals and not as those who have been forced to live with an alternate reality/voice(s) in their head.
 
Daily i am forced to accept “the many faces of Eve” who live as voices in my own head.   I will, for example, resolve to not judge others only to hear a voice in my head judging and labeling another person based on appearances, deed, or some other social construct.  Fortunately, I often catch myself before allowing that voice to take wings.   What happened to my resolve to mimic those with ultra violent light waves ability to see what is not visible?
 
As I write this, I am reminded that we humans could benefit from letting go of our assumed and professed superiority to other animals and even plants which have a very sophisticated communication system.  What might ensue if we were willing to live in harmony with the rest of nature or at least make a concerted effort to do so?
 
This weekend is, in some locations and cities in the United States, what has come to be known as Pride weekend; a time for people who have the courage to be themselves; to be the gender they are internally, to love the gender to whom they are attracted, to sometimes dress flamboyantly in outrageously fun costumes; to put on display their most creative display of who they are on the inside; to force others to see with ultra violent vision.  What if, no matter our gender binary status, sexual orientation or identification we take our cue from those in the gay parades and allow our ultra violent wavelength to be publicly present?  What if we celebrate the ultra violet wavelength of all others?
 
Written June 26, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 

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Ode to PRIDE

6/24/2022

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Ode to PRIDE
 
Hey there, those who are worried or judgmental about whom I love.
Just need to let you know:
Ain’t thinking I need to father or mother a child.
Ain’t thinking that the world needs another child.
Just need to let you know
Ain’t needing to prove my virility-
         your ideal of my manhood or womanhood.
I hear you saying my love is abnormal
I hear you saying
         election lies are normal.
         property tax which often pays for public schools is not
         good.
 
         all should have multiple guns, open carry and the
         opportunity to kill others.
         Excess is to be defended with human life
I hear you saying that financial, emotional and spiritual rape is more moral than loving.
I hear you worrying about whether my body parts are touching another while you sell products which destroy from the inside out.
I hear you are worrying about what gender is on my birth certificate and not whether a child has food or a place to live.
I hear you worrying if a sperm and an egg is wasted while you care nothin about children outside the womb unless they are the sons and daughters you claim.
I hear you singing the praises of that man Jesus while you prepare the wood for the cross.
You worry about my morality of loving while you publicly rape the land and all it contains.
You just need to know I ain’t wanting to see your genitals or how well you use the tools of your gender.  I ain’t wanting to see the sword of your fear or the cave into which you will invite me to be devoured.
Do you not know loving is not about hating and making babies or proving nothing.  
I know you can for ni cate.
I ain’t impressed.
I ain’t impressed.
I ain’t impressed.
Written June 24, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
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Sunday Musings - June 19, 2022

6/19/2022

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Sunday Musings - June 19, 2021
Father’s Day
Juneteenth
 
For a brief time I lived and worked in the Alaska village of Hoonah, Alaska, a Tlinglit Indian village.   When I, my wife and my young son arrived in Hoonah we were greeted by David and Minnie, who were revered elders in the community.  They said to us, “Your son has no grandparents here.  We will be his grandparents.  You, young man, are too young (I was then 31.) to know what it means to be a man. You will come and sit with me every day while I carve and teach you.  For the relatively brief and somewhat tumultuous time we were in Hoonah David and Minnie filled the role of grandparents to our son and parents to us.  Sadly, their wise parenting/mentoring was not enough of a salve to an already broken marriage.  
 
Our adopted parents David and Minnie could not fix our marriage or prevent the pain of a divorce and a rupture in the friendship which had preceded the marriage or the father son relationship.  They also could not heal my wife’s mental health or know that I needed to come to terms with my sexual orientation. They could and did love us unconditionally and stand by us.
 
My fear of dealing with my sexual orientation certainly affected my ability to be lovingly present in the marriage.  My wife’s fear, sense of abandonment and betrayal never allowed us to work as  co-parents. It seemed in her mind Jamie was her son and not ours. There was seemingly little I could do to claim the role of father as I had envisioned it.  That was and is the pain with which I must live.  I have attempted to make amends for my part of that dynamic.
 
Making amends after admitting the mistakes one has made- admitting the hurt one has caused - is certainly the first step towards healing.  One is able to do this if one has been willing to let go of one’s attachment to the story one has written; the story one thinks should happen.  A common family story we adopt is that of the nuclear family with one mother, one father, and x children living independent of a wider community.  For various reasons that is seldom the case. Even if two parents and children occupy the same physical address all might not be present emotionally or even physically.  One might or might not have the requisite patenting skills, time or energy to be teacher, provider, and nurturer.  Two parents never have all the child(ren) need.
 
When I was a child our parents had a very harsh life and were not always present emotionally and/or physically.  Others were able to provide many of the pieces our biological parents did not have to give.  Aunt Pleasie, Uncle Harold, Grandma Fannie, Mr. and Mrs Stice and a host of other relatives and neighbors knew parenting was a village responsibility.  Later, when my wife, son and I arrived in Hoonah David and Minnie took over.  Today I am still blessed with many wise elders who continue my education and who “have my back” emotionally, spiritually and even physically. 
 
It is my responsibility to stand ready to be an elder/parent to all who need unconditional love and, perhaps, a teaching story or two.  It is my hope and prayers that others stand ready to give my son the parent/elder pieces he needs but is unable to receive from me. We are a village. It is important to let go of the attachment to the belief that all we need and want come from the sperm and egg donors. 
 
Happy Father’s Day to all the elders who share the blessings - alongside the female elders - of raising our children.  Each elder including the biological father and mother may offer a piece of what our children need.  We need to let go of the delusion that the only parents we celebrate and blame are the sperm and egg donors.  We are all important members of a much larger family.
 
Happy Father’s Day to all the loving, teaching male elders.
 
Written June 19, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
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Compromising as an art form

6/15/2022

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Compromising as an art form.
 
Daily, there are news stories of the angry divineness  in this and many other countries.  It seems each many of us cannot wait to demonize the group or groups which are not us.  It should be oblivious that demonizing those with whom one disagrees is going to result in more anger, fear and wall building. 
 
We know that none of us responds well to anger and negative judgements.   What makes us think that others will?  Indiaviduals such a Van Jones on the podcast he hosts, “Uncommon Ground” are doing their best to help us change this process without needing to change core values.  In fact, Van Jones and his guests are attempting  to remind listeners that the core values of various groups have more in common than differences.  What are those core values? Sadly, many of us may have a difficult time articulating our core values thus making it impossible to compare with “the others”.
 
Recently I sat with a parents of 4 daughters at a fund raiser for the national group PFLAG – Parents and Friends of lesbians and Gays (now inclusive of bisexual and transgender individuals as well as all those nonbinary individuals).  Their young daughters and many other children were present for this fundraiser and having a grand time interacting with drag queens.  As I chatted with these parents and others, some of their core values were revealed.  They included:
 
o   Making sure there was a safe place for all family members to be themselves - to be their very personal best - to laugh, dance and refuel.
 
o   Being able to provide basics and perhaps some luxuries for their families - food, clothing, safe housing, education.
 
o   Job security at a job which is consistent with their core values - both Mom and dad work for the Veterans Administration which they noted provids job security, decent health insurance, retirement benefits, paid time off and the opportunity to walk with veterans in their healing journey.
 
o   Being part of a community - having emotional support . As one would say often in the military - knowing others have your back.
 
o   Knowing one’s children of their children will have a safe place to live and blossom.
 
I have lived in Alaska villages, West Virginia,  Washington, D. C., Princeton, New Jersey, Evansville, Indiana,  the farmlands and cities of Oklahoma , small communities in Florida and visited many other places in the world.   No matter where I went and to whom I talked if I listened carefully and observed the walk of those to whom I talked,  core values were basically the same.   The beliefs of what it takes to ensure one can live out these core values varies but the values do not. 
 
One may ask,  what could “us”  have in common with those members of  such organizarions as Patriot Front described in an Associated Press article of June 11, 2022, as a “neo-Nazi group whose members perceive Black Americans, Jews, and LGBTQ people as enemies?   Member of this group were arrested  near a pride event in a small community in Idaho on June 11 dressed in riot gear.  Apparently, they do not have a history of violence and may claim free speech rights.
 
How about the members of the Proud Boys some of whom were involved in the violent attempt to take over the United States Capital Building to ensure that election results could not be ratified? 
 
Surely “we”  have nothing in common with those self-identified Christian ministers who are advocating that all LGBTQ individuals be lined up and shot in the head or those Russians supporting President Putin’s violent takeover of Ukraine.
 
My experience is that if we are willing to listen often many of the core values and goals of “us and them may be the same.  
 
Even members of the Proud Boys, Patriot Front, ministers or other clerics who call for the death of feminists, LGBTQ individuals and others share the  five essential core values I have listed above. This is common ground.   What may not be common ground is the road map.
 
My experience in working with adult males with a history of violence is that when I focused on the fear underlying the anger and violence, we connected as equals.  We both knew what fear felt like.  What I am fearful of may or may not be the same as the person who has been physically violent.
 
Once one establishes some common ground with someone, there is the possibility of some other areas of common ground.  From that base one might be able to begin to explore how each arrived at their personal road map for making their core values manifest reality.  
 
For years I was a member of a racial justice committee at a YWCA.  One of first and ongoing tasks was to be able to write about how and when we had learned to be racist.   My first memory of learning about racism was at age 2 or 3,  My first memory of using racism to take the focus off of my misbehavior was at age 5.  Similarly, I can articulate when and how I learned how to have disdain for my own sexual orientation.   I can trace the origin of many of the  beliefs or myths I learned to  teachers, classmates, parents, and “fake news”.
 
For many years some Palestinians and Jews have been together sharing their  belief that peaceful co-existence is both possible and necessary.   We too can and must take the leap of faith that we all have common ground.  I do not believe that there are “others” but only those I  refuse to “see” and “hear”.  Perhaps this is the starting point for all of us to practice the art of compromise.
 
Written June 15, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Sunday Musings - June 12, 2022

6/12/2022

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Sunday Musings - June 12, 2022
What if?
 
As we approach Juneteenth or Freedom Day commemorating the official end of slavery in the United States there will be many celebrations in the African American community declaring their resolve to make the end of slavery in all its forms  manifest reality.    Reparations and other tangible symbols of sincere amends are not manifest reality despite token gestures by some communities.   We have seen in the year 2022 a continuation of the roll back of voting rights, redrawing of voting districts to lessen the power of African American Communities, a continuation of the killing of African American Males, a tightening of the attachment to guns, including assault rifles, and the continued enslavement/imprisoning of men and women of all races but particularly poor people which includes a high percentage of African Americans.  The number of organizations composed of Caucasians who are willing to fight for their belief that their rights are more important than those of non-white citizens is long and growing.   Ever increasing is the number of those who self-identify as Christians. Jews or Muslims  and who believe they are the chosen ones; who openly embrace a supporting concept of God,  who oppose reparations and interpret Black Lives Matter as anti-white.  If one listens to talk radio one can tune in to any number of programs led by self-identified Christians who openly support anti-black policies.
 
The 1%, including the CEO of Amazon and Starbucks, oppose the formation of unions by their employees.
 
There are increasing restrictions of what history can be taught in schools;  of any acknowledgment that sexual orientation is clear for many at a very young age.  The belief that one teaches skills without acknowledging that skills are only useful if we use them  to create a more loving, just world is accepted as fact
 
One could fill volumes with examples of our humanness; of our insecurity as humans and our attempts to be more than, greater than, richer than just so we can feel we matter. We could fill volumes with examples of mistakes or outright mistreatment of “others”.    Obviously, none of this is a secret.   Neither is the history of overt and covert slavery - keeping people in a one down positions so that others can benefit.  We know that economic injustice, punishing and jailing for symptoms, covert and indirect support of the drug cartels hurts all of us in the long run.
 
Many Christians will  go to church and repeat the lines from the prayer from the Book of Common Worship:
 

“Almighty and most merciful Father; We have erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep. We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts. We have offended against thy holy laws. We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; And we have done those things which we ought not to have done; And there is no health in us. But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us, miserable offenders. Spare thou them, O God, which confess their faults. Restore thou them that are penitent; According to thy promises declared unto mankind in Christ Jesus our Lord. And grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake; That we may hereafter live a godly, righteous and sober life. To the Glory of thy holy Name. Amen.
 
Yet, and yet, once we leave our church, we find it impossible to face the nitty gritty details of  the ways we have hurt and continue to hurt/harm each other and Mother Earth.  We know race and a myriad of other labels are artificial constructs created to justify our mistreatment of each other and Mother Earth.  We know racism is alive and strong.  We know women continue to earn less than men for the same jobs. We know that how we love is more important than who we love.  We know that no sane person would face blatant discrimination to claim a gender other than what they been assigned unless they were sure of who there are.  We know that no one needs huge salaries while others struggle just to survive. We know these things and more and, yet we find it hard to live out whatever version of the above prayers our particular moral code or religious beliefs dictates.
 
I am reminded of the famous example pf “The Emperor has no Clothes” by Hans Christian Andersen. It is an apt reminder and metaphor for the difficulty we humans have in being repentant - in admitting and making amends for our sins - in doing all we can to ensure that stolen resources are returned and we move forward to a more equitable sharing of all resources. 
 
 
If unable to live this prayer lets insist on a new prayer  which reflects how we live our lives in the larger body politic.    Yet, in our heart of hearts we must know that it is time to walk the talk; to embrace the truth that unless there is justice for all there is no justice.  Let us embrace the truth that we are strong and brace enough to confess our sins in word and deed; to embrace our humanness and the fact it is only when we admit and learn from our “sins” that we can move forward; that we can only move forward when we all move together.
 
Written June 12, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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The next right thing

6/8/2022

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The next right thing
 
One can hear very young children saying, “It isn’t fair.” and a parent figure or teacher saying, “No it isn’t but we do not hit or do X in this family.” 
 
Many of our spiritual teachers including Jesus, the Buddha, and many others have taught it is important to behave in a way which is consistent with one’s core values no matter what others did or did not do.  
 
In October of 2018 there was a shooting resulting in deaths at a Jewish Temple in Pittsburgh, Pa.   In June of 2017 there was a shooting and subsequent deaths at a church in Charleston, South Carolina.  In both cases the immediate response of the congregation was that they would not respond in hate.   Martin Luther King, Jr. following what he understood to be the clear teachings  of Jesus preached and practiced non-violence.  At least publicly, he never justified violence because someone was not playing/behaving fairly.  While he was very clear it was important to speak out again injustice he also, I believe, understood that none of us are in a position to judge another. 
 
Although there are pockets or places in the world where some are willing to engage in restorative justice, for the most part, we humans continue to believe that how we treat another should be based on how the behavior of others compares with our public behavior. These beliefs underlie our judicial system.  Statistically, we know that this system of justice does not create a more loving, fair world. In fact, it does just the opposite.  Yet we persist.   This system of so-called justice requires that we stay attached to the following beliefs:
 
A system for assigning points for how we hurt each other or Mother Earth.  Those with x points or above are bad people who deserves to be punished.  This system may subtract some points or justifiable, hurtful behavior.
 
The number of points determines one’s label
 
One’s label very often defines the person for life.
 
In general, the line between white collar crime and smart business practice is very narrow.
 
Certain behavior is wrong except when it is not.  Even some theologians, including so called Christian ones, write long and detailed justification for war or other killings.
 
If a person is label as bad or evil one no longer has to treat them as a sacred person.  There is no hope of redemption.
 
One has to use certain language or words to tune in to the “right god” in order to be forgiven.   Being forgiven under the rules of a religious institution does not result in forgiveness or lack of punishment by the body politic
 
Life should be fair. 
 
Fairness = justice.
 
Punishment equal justice. 
 
The God of one’s understanding speaks through particular prophets and other wise teachers to determine who is chosen or more deserving.
 
Resources, including property, belongs to individuals (or companies or some other legal unit), and not the community unless it is decided otherwise.
 
Legal can easily morph into right behavior.
 
 
In reality we punish many for behavior which some do not like or  makes them uncomfortable even though it might not hurt others.
 
With few exceptions individuals are assumed to have brains which can understand, accept and make decisions based on community values even when community values are based on treating some as less than. Less than is often or usually based on artificial constructs such as race, gender difference, age differences, sexual orientation, or others.   The science of the factors which affect the formation of a thought has little to do with how the community views the the action of an individual although there are a few exceptions.
 
Life should be fair unless one is deemed to be deserving of more than one’s share. One can be deserving, or underserving based on who one’s parents are, race, class, money, gender, sexual orientation or a host of other arbitrary constructs.
 
 
It is any wonder that it is difficult to convince many of we humans that one should do the next right thing just because it is the next right thing.  Yet, in the midst of our convoluted beliefs and practices about what is fair, just , right or wrong we parents, teachers and other elders often attempt to teach children to do the next right thing just because it is the next right thing.  This attempt aligns  well with the practice of “Do what I say and not what I do.
 
The 12 step recovery programs such as AA, NA, SA, SAA, GA, OA and others  comes much closer to providing a program which based on claiming one’s autonomy  by basing one’s decision on doing the next right thing because it is the next right thing.  Perhaps only those who behavior has been controlled by an addictive brain which was unable to consider the rights and needs of other  can appreciate the science of the brain and the decision making process.   I am not suggesting that it is easy for recovering addicts to grasp or practice this principle. I am suggesting that there is little room to argue with the principle within the program,
 
Clearly there are those such as the congregants of the Temple in Pittsburgh and the church in Charleston, SC  as well as some other spiritual leaders who strive to practice doing the next right thing just because it is the next right thing.  Father Greg Boyle, Mother Theresa are others who come to mind.
 
 
Perhaps all of us need to play with the consequences of doing the next right thing regardless of what feels fair or just. Perhaps teachers such as that Jesus’ fellow were on to something.
 
Written June 8, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
        
 
        
 
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Surviving trauma

6/5/2022

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Surviving trauma
 
What is that makes us so sure that we must know the answers to the difficult questions which plague us humans.   Unlike other animals  we humans tend to struggle over daily decisions of how to live our lives; how to treat ourselves and  each other.  All other animals  are spared the agonizing over decision making models;  designing algorithms which take into account the moral, ethical or practical factors which most effectively ensure the survival of their tribe as well assuring they are included in the Who’s Who of the species of which they are a member.
 
We are called to share with each other the struggle to live with the events which often leave deep emotional scars in the core of our being.   Sometimes the events with have left these scars are a result of abuse. Abuse always carries the message that the life of the abused is less important than that of the abuser.  The abuse might have left a loved one dead, severely disabled physically, mentally impaired or even “vegetable like” for the remainder of their life. 
 
If differently abled physically or even vegetable like as a result of abuse, an accident or a force of nature one may have a difficult time accepting their current strengths and limitation.  Often, however,  with or without professional counseling and the passage of time, most come to some level of acceptance. Some will eventually come to see the events which resulted in the change in their life dance as a gift.  They may, for example, discover talents and strengths which might otherwise have been neglected. 
For example, a military pilot who was acutely injured in an accident learned the joy of being an at home, full time father which had a profound, positive affect on the trajectory of the lives of his children.
 
Some who have been abused or mistreated internalize the lies of the abuser and get stuck in a victim role.  They may focus for the remainder of their lives on the fact that life has been unfair.  Some therapists or counselors may unwittingly reinforce this angry or depressed life dance.
 
The goal of therapy is to empathically acknowledge the pain of abuse or other sad events while helping the patient/client uncover the new opportunities available to them. The line between pitying them as victims and honoring their pain may be narrow. In my role as a friend, parent and a clinician my goal ia to offer support but not pity; to stress their strength while not ignoring their pain.
 
One’s trauma must be faced.  Racism, sexism, homophobia, murder, war events, other tragic events and accidents of all types leave layers of pain which must be acknowledged, expressed and incorporated into one psyche.  To not do so will result in major blocks in the body which prevent one from functioning at an optiimal level.  These blocks can, if unaddressed, result on one reacting in anger. in abusing others or being unable to move outside of a tiny bubble of existence. 
 
Children who have been suffered acute trauma are especially vulnerable to becoming lifelong trauma victims; living in a bubble of isolation which may or may not be assisted by the use and abuse of recreational drugs or even prescribed drugs; holding on to their anger and putting on the costume of the righteous arbiter of justice through mass shootings,  oppressive, judgmental legislation or domestic violence.  
 
Adults naturally want to protect and help children to heal from trauma.  This is very laudable.  Yet, it not careful, one may anticipate rather than observe and respond to the symptoms of trauma.   Children will, if allowed, let adults know when they need support or help in processing and working through  trauma.  They may act out in anger, abuse other children, isolate,  quit eating or sleeping, develop physical symptoms or otherwise deviate from their most functional self.  Children can also fall into the trap of believing they are responsible for protecting or taking care of the adults in their lives.  It is the job of  parent figures to  model how healthy people deal with tough  situations.  Children, if in a healthy environment, are very open with their feeling and thoughts.  They may need guidance in how to safely express feelings without abusing others.  They also need to know that it is okay to embrace life and normalize what they have gone through.     Recently I saw a documentary filmed in Ukraine after the first Russian invasion.   As was true with “The Diary of Anne Frank” one notices not only the trauma of living through war but the need to experience  the ordinary, playful parts of life and even the pettiness  which is a part of everyday life.
 
 
One of the most practical guides for dealing with trauma is the book, My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem.   The exercises at the end of each chapter, often involving movement, can greatly assist in helping one heal without adopting the victim role.    One will notice that following a trauma  one is inclined to roll into ball as if one can block out the world.  One needs to be able to move out of this  paralyzing position and firmly  claim one  right to a healthy life dance.  Children if in a healthy environment often instinctually know they have to stretch and move. For a time, if allowed, they will quickly switch from grief to joy.  They will be small and quiet and then morph into large, active and noisy.   It is the job of we adults to model and support  this healthy, healing process.
 
Written June 4,  2022
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
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    Jimmy Pickett is a life student who happens to be a licensed counselor and an addiction counselor. He is a student of Buddhism with a background of Christianity and a Native American heritage.

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